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OPINIONS   OF  THE   PRESS. 


"This  man's  brow,  like  to  a  title  leaf, 

Foretells  the  nature  of  a  tragic  volume." 

Shakspeare. 

"  His  imperial  fancy  has   laid  all  nature  under  tribute,  and  has  collected 
riches  from  every  scene  of  the  creation,  and  every  work  of  art." 

Robert  Hall. 

"  Sweet  food  of  sweetly  uttered  knowledge." 

Sir  Philip  Sidney. 

"  He  hath  indeed  bettered  expectation." 

Shahspeare,  again. 

"  Strange !  tliat  a  harp  of  a  thousand  strings 
Should  keep  in  tune  so  long." 

Isaac  Watts. 

"  He  is  a  worthy  gentleman, 
Exceedingly  well  read,  and  profited 
In  strange  concealments." 

Sliakspeare,  some  more. 

"Learning  hath  gained  most  by  those  books,  by  which  the  printers  have  lost.' 

Thomas  Fuller. 

"Remember  first  to  possess  his  books." 

Shakspeare,  another  time. 

"The  world  knows  nothing  of  its  greatest  men." 

Henry  Taylor. 
"  He  hath  strange  places,  cramm'd 
With  observation,  the  which  he  vents 
In  mangled  forms." 

Once  more,  Shakspeare. 
"Come  then,  expressive  silence,  muse  his  praise." 

James  Thomson. 
"We  bear  it  calmly,  though  a  ponderous  woe. 
And  still  adore  the  hand  that  gives  the  blow." 

John  Pom  fret. 
"  When  my  eyes  shall  be  turned  to  behold  for  the  last  time  the  sun  in 
heaven,  may  I  not  see  him  shining  on  the  broken  and  dislionored   fragments 
of  a  once  glorious  union,  on  sUites  dissevered,  discordant,  belligerent,  on  a 
land  rent  with  civil  feuds,  or  drenched,  it  may  be,  in  fraternal  blood." 

Daniel  Webster,  second  speech  on  Fool's  Revolution. 


ERRATUM. 

The  only  mistake  in  this  Book — aside  from  the  one  of  printing 
it  perhaps — is  found  in  this  portrait.  When  the  request  came 
that  I  would  forward  a  photograph,  so  that  a  portrait  of  the 
author  might  be  engraved  to  beautify  the  Book,  I  was  absent 
from  home.  Overcome  by  the  honor  done  us,  and  fearful  that 
the  publishers  might  change  their  mind  if  given  time  for  calm 
reflection,  the  Family  Sanshedrim,  immediately  on  opening  the 
letter,  grabbed  the  first  photograph  that  came  handy  and  sent  it 
along.  Happening  to  get  hold  of  one  given  me  by  a  former 
friend,  once  renowned  as  a  champion  of  all  sorts  of  weights,  it  is 
thus  that  you  come  to  have  quite  a  tolerable  portrait  of  "  The 
California  Chicken." 

Under  an  impression  that  the  critics  might  be  less  uncompli- 
mentary in  their  remarks  if  they  thought  this  was  the  man  they 
had  to  deal  with,  the  mistake  was  suffered  to  pass  uncorrected. 
A  much  better  portrait  of  the  author  will  be  found  on  the  title 
page — sitting  on  a  pole !  If  this  be  not  sufficient  to  fill  the 
aching  void,  I  shall  be  happy  to  exchange  photographs  with  any 
young  woman  who  feels  able  to  give  twenty-five  cents  to  boot. 

J.  P. 


JOH])^  PAUL'S  BOOK: 


Moral  and  Instrttctive  : 


CONSISTING  OF 


TRAVELS,    TALES,    POETRY,    AND    LIKE     FABRICATIONS. 


BY 


JOHN    PAUL, 

AUTHOB    OF  "  LiFFITH    LaNR,"  "  St.  Twel'mO,"  AND    OTHER   WOKKS   TOO    HDMOROUS 

TO    MENTION. 


•WITH  BEYBBAL  POKTBAITS  OF  THE  AUTHOB,  AND  OTHER  SPIKITKD  ENGRAVINGS. 


"Brittania  needs  no  bulwarks. 
No  towers  along  the  etecp ; 
Her  march  is  o'er  the  mountain  waves. 
Her  home  is  oa  the  deep." 

Campbell. 


PUBLISHED  BY  SUBSCRIPTION   ONLY. 


HARTFORD,  CONN.,  AND  CHICAGO,  ILL. : 

COLUMBIAN    BOOK    COMPANY. 

1S74.. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1874,  by  the 

COLUMBIAN  BOOK  COMPANY, 

In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


TO 

THE    BALD-HEADED, 

That    noble   and  shining   Army  of   Martyf^ 
I  DEDICATE  MY  BOOK 

AND 

LOOK     FOR     PATRONAOE. 

For  have    not   all  the  Big-wigs 
or  medicine  declared  that  loss   of  hair  is  caused  by  loss  of  sleep  ? 
To  the  Bald,  then,  I  come,  bringing   not   poppy    nor    nnandragora, 
but    a    Book    of    my  own    composing,    for   a   composing  draught. 

Surely  in  my  wake  shall  follow. 


Tii\ED  Natui\e's  Haii\-Restof\er,  Balmy   Sleep 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Introductory — Explaining  how  the  Book  came  to  be  made,  and  giving  the  rea- 
sons therefor,  with  a  diagram  of  the  author's  head, lY 

CHAPTER  II. 

Going  to  Saratoga  discussed,  and  the  properest  and  pleasantest  way  pointed 
out — The  Scenery  of  the  Hudson  expatiated  upon  and  a  Pilot  interviewed — 
An  appropriate  mention  of  Pyramids  and  Mummies, 24 

CHAPTER  ni. 

The  Paul  family  go  to  Saratoga  by  rail  instead  of  river ,  and  arrive  at  the 
Grand  Central  Depot — Polite  conversation  is  held  with  various  officials, 
and  the  Pauls  purchase  trunk  straps — Off  at  Last, 28 

CHAPTER   IV. 

Suddenly  attacked  by  misgivings  about  the  future,  the  author  wishes  he  had 
not  begun  His  Book ;  but  goes  on  to  explain  why  people  do  not  go  to 
Saratoga  in  June,  and  describes  the  principal  hotels, 37 

CHAPTER  V. 

A  noted  store-keeper  arrives,  and  the  Shah  is  expected — The  Profusion  of 
tablcs-d'hote  is  condemned,  and  the  respective  comforts  of  Hotels  and 
Private  Boarding  Houses  are  critically  considered, 46 

CHAPTER  VI. 

A  guest  at  another  Hotel  sitting  down  on  Jews,  the  author  stands  up  for 
them,  of  course 64 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Saratoga  categorically  described ;  the  "  waters  "  arc  cussed  and  discussed, 
and  a  Poem,  "She  is  Dead,"  written  under  their  influence,  is  given — The 
Deer  of  Congress  Park,  and  the  Parable  of  a  Cripple, 57 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
The  Statuary  of  Congress  Park — A  story  of  Savage  Love — Indian  Encamp- 
ments, Cemeteries,  and  other  amusements  of  Saratoga, 63 

CHAPTER   IX. 
Congress  and  Hatliom  water,  and  Ilathorn  and  Johnson,  contrasted — A 
Bcarch  for  a  Dictionary  which  ends  in  the  finding  of  a  scalded  Dog, 67 


X  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  X. 

Sunday  in  Saratoga  and  where  the  Clergymen  "  stop  " — The  author  meets 
and  forgives  the  minister  who  married  him,  but  wants  to  play  seven-up 
with  Commodore  Vanderbilt, 76 

CHAPTER  XI. 

Everything  said  in  the  preceding  chapter  taken  back  in  this,  and  the  springs 
Described  in  rotation,  with  the  aid  of  a  guide  book — Poem  (to  fill  up) 
"At  the  Ball," 80 

CHAPTER  XII. 

Mrs.  Spriggins  wants  to  know  who  "  Old  Tom  "  is,  and  Mr.  Spriggins  under- 
goes domestic  discipline — How  pious  slumbers  are  broken  by  bands  of 
music,  young  women,  and  icemen, 88 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

Cool  Weather  in  July — Anecdote  of  a  Yonkers  man — The  Saratogan  feeling 
on  the  Walworth  affair — A  defence  of  fathers  generally,  and  a  poetical 
"Pleaforthe  Old  Man," 93 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

A  Child  Genius— Typical  Saratogan  characters — The  author  gets  in  an  occa- 
sional mention  of  himself  and  family  among  other  distinguished  guests, 
but  does  not  neglect  Sage,  Tows,  and  Dows,  and  other  railroad  runners, .     99 

CHAPTER  XV. 

First  Day  of  the  Races — Scenes  at  the  Track — The  Travera  stakes  are  run 
for,  and  Mr.  McGrath,  who  wins  them,  tells  a  little  Story — A  little  Story 
about  Mr.  McGrath — A  suggestion  as  to  how  horses  should  be  started,. .   108 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

Another  Race  day — The  author  expresses  a  contemptuous  opinion  of  Mr. 
Sandorf  as  a  horse-starter — Running  in  the  Rain — A  steeple-chase  through 
the  water — Tom  Bowhng  in  his  stable,  and  an  interview  with  his  Trainer,  116 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

Yet  another  Race  day — Mr.  Travers  and  the  author  have  words  about  talk- 
ing— More  running  in  the  rain — How  relationship  is  reckoned  among 
Horses — A  sick  horse  wins,  and  some  think  it  a  trick, 124 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

A  night  disturbance,  and  a  Promenade  Concert  at  the  Grand  Union — Mrs. 
Paul  appears  as  a  Committeeman  at  the  latter,  but  has  nothing  to  do 
with  the  former — Regarding  reediness  in  the  upper  register, 132 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

The  author  bids  a  long  farewell  to  the  turf,  and  forswears  all  further  asso- 
ciation with  horses  and  horsemen, 136 


CONTENTS.  xi 

'  CHAPTER  XX. 

Mrs.  Paul  and  friends  go  over  to  hear  Gilmore's  Band  play,  and  there  is 
much  trouble  and  turmoil  in  consequence, 142 

CHAPTER   XXI. 

The  author  defends  extravagance,  and  establishes  the  Christian  Duty  of  dress- 
ing well,  as  well  as  the  folly  of  "  laying  up  for  children," 146 

CHAPTER   XXII. 

Before  plunging  into  personalities  we  buy  ourself  an  iron  pan — Personals 
about  all  sorts  of  persons  including  The  Beautiful  Indian  Girl — The 
author's  apprehensions  of  the  future, 150 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

How  we  pass  the  time  away  at  Saratoga — The  Beautiful  Indian  Girl  becomes 
Savage — A  horse-back  ride — Feeing  Waiters — Story  of  a  fascinating 
young  widow — "Among  our  most  beautiful  Ladies," 159 

CHAPTER   XXIV. 
Wholly  given  up  to  an  accidental  report  of  a  Dental  Convention, 171 

CHAPTER   XXV. 

An  alarm  of  Fire — The  advantage  of  a  Fire  Drill  in  families  illustrated — 
What  was  not  worn  by  the  guests — Procession  formed  to  put  out  the  fire 
— Saratogans  besought  to  bestir  themselves, 1Y5 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

Gen.  Grant  visits  Saratoga,  and  the  author  drives  out  with  a  Postmaster, 
who  indulges  in  a  contemplation  of  Grant's  character, 183 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 

Saratoga  Lake — A  Dinner  at  Moon's — Supper  at  Myers' — Confusion  between 
the  two, 187 

CHAPTER  XXVm. 

The  story  of  Mr.  Harrington,  a  man  who  wanted  to  get  out  after  wanting 
to  get  in,  and  moral  reflections  thereon, 1 94 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 

Commodore  Vanderbilt  reported  "  Dangerous  " — The  danger  of  having  to  do 
with  him  and  other  railway  jobbers — A  little  sound  sense  about  stocks, 
etc., 198 

CIIAFTER  XXX. 

A  Tribute  to  modest  worth,  and  a  poem  to  Daniel  Drew — "The  Lay  of  the 
Laborer," 203 

CHAPTER  XXXL 
The  verse  of  "  Voratius — a  Lay  of  Ladies'  Love  and  Dru-cric," 206 


Xii  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XXXII. 

Death  and  the  Dance — The  season  closing — "  Consolation  stakes  "  proposed 
for  the  beaten  maidens — Sure  cure  for  corns — A  serenade  and  Mr.  Blin- 
Ber's  speech — End  of  my  Summer  at  Saratoga, 210 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

The  Panic,  and  how  and  why  it  came  about — Early  experience  with  a  kick- 
ing horse,  "  John  the  Baptist " — An  Analogy  suggested — More  skin  or 
less  dog  demanded, 218 

CHAPTER  XXXrV. 

Massachusetts  visited — Railroads  and  other  things  contrasted — Nothing  to 
drink,  but  the  cook  drunk — About  domestics — A  domestic  with  a  parlor 
organ — Courting  in  the  country — Northampton  Todds — "Mill  River"  as 
then  seen, . 224 

CHAPTER  XXXV. 

Canandaigua  visited — A  conundrum  propounded — Cheapness  of  country 
living  up  the  Lake — Listening  for  a  disobliging  echo — Answer  to  the 

conundrum, 232 

CHAPTER  XXXVI. 

The  author  becomes  Bankrupt — How  and  why  people  fail — Linen  dusters 
with  fur  collars  and  chip  hats  for  winter  costume — The  author's  tailor  runs 
across  him — Commodore  Vanderbilt  critically  considered, 239 

CHAPTER  XXXVIL 
Way  back  to  "  Black  Friday,"  and  the  part  the  author  played  therein,, . . .  250 

CHAPTER  XXXVIIL 

Pere  Hyacinthe  calls  upon  John  Paul — What  was  said,  and  full  particulars 
of  the  interview, 256 

CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

A  True  Story  of  the  Author's  Mexican  Mines — How  he  wouldn't  sell  when 
he  could  and  couldn't  sell  when  he  would — The  old,  old,  story, 261 

CHAPTER  XL. 

Newport — Its  amusements  and  its  cottages — A  sailing  party  and  a  show  of 
nautical  knowledge — Conversation  with  a  learned  lady — Boarding  an 
English  yacht, 279 

CHAPTER  XLL 

Niagara  Falls^How  to  railroad  it  with  no  money — Sights  and  scenes  at  the 
"  World's  Wonder  " — Hopping,  and  the  author  as  a  hopper, 286 

CHAPTER   XLIL 

The  Cave  of  the  Winds — How  we  went — Penetrating  the  mist  and  the  mys- 
teries— What  awaits  the  adventurer  behind  the  Falls — Sure  to  remember 
the  Guide, 294 


CONTENTS.  xiii 

CHAPTER  XLIII. 

Boston — A  week's  wild  dissipation  at  the  hub — Benjamin  Franklin  and 
other  natives — Poem  of  "Abou  Ben  Butler" — The  Sage  of  Concord  and 
his  verses, 308 

CHAPTER   XLIV. 

Horace  Greeley's  funeral — Reminiscences  of  the  man — Verses,  "Morte,"  and 
"Colored  Persons  allowed  in  this  Car," 316 

CHAPTER  XLV. 

"  Let's  go  and  hear  Beecher  " — He  preaches  of  economy — The  dream  that 
came  of  the  sermon — A  word  about  the  "Scandal" — Ministers  considered 
as  men — The  author  elects  to  be  "  The  Outside  Dog  in  the  Eight," 326 

CHAPTER  XLVI. 

Universalism  and  Unitarianism — Dr.  Chapin  and  Dr.  Frothingham — Sketches 
of  characteristic  sermons — "  My  Theology," 336 

CHAPTER  XLVII. 

Washington — A  visit  to  the  Capitol,  and  a  protest  against  Inflation, 344 

CHAPTER  XLVni. 
The  Tenement  House, 352 

CHAPTER  XLIX. 

Boston  again — Interview  with  a  young  woman  who  has  views — She  expresses 
herself  as  to  railway  management  and  stock  manipulations — Her  head  is 
sound — Lines  on  the  reopening  of  a  Trust  Company,  "Break,  Break, 
Break," 357 

CHAPTER   L. 

From  New  York  to  San  Francisco  via  Nicaragua — Incidents  of  the  voyage 
— Opera  at  sea— "The  New  Song"— At  Greytown, 867 

CHAPTER   LI. 
The  journey  continued — Up  the  San  Juan  River — Alligators — Crossing  the 
Isthmus  on  a  mule — Native  beauties — Customs  of  the  country — At  the 
Golden  Gate, 379 

CHAPTER  LIL 
Impressions  of  California, — spoken  fearlessly  because  at  a  safe  distance, . . .  390 

CHAPTER  Lin. 
The  Great  Earthquake  of  Oct.  8th,  18C5, 393 

CHAPTER  LIV. 
The  Sea  Lions  of  San  Francisco — "  A  Greeting  to  Leonana," 401 

CHAPTER  LV. 
Showing  how  it  feels  to  bring  out  a  new  play  with  your  heavy  villain  and 
light  leading  man  both  drunk, 406 


Xiv  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  LVI. 

What  a  Little  Boy  thought  about  things — Didn't  want  to  be  a  Nangel  or  a 
G.  Washington,  but  wouldn't  object  to  being  a  J.  Morrissey, 411 

CHAPTER  LVII. 

Two  Stories  for  too  Good  Little  Boys, 416 

CHAPTER   LVHL 

Toodles ;  a  story  for  real  children ;  how  a  dead  dog  was  raised, 420 

CHAPTER  LIX. 
About    "Trying    Again,"    illustrating    the    folly    of    Perseverance    and 
Persistence, 428 

CHAPTER  LX. 
Where  do  all  the  Hoop  Skirts  come  from  ? — Not  a  conundrum  but  a  serious 
question, 433 

CHAPTER  LXL 

Mrs.  Cuppy  lectures  on  "Woman, her  aim,  her  end,"  and  the  author  too  has 
something  to  say  about  those  things, 437 

CHAPTER  LXn. 
"Sir  Walter  de  Gray  " — A  metrical  story  of  the  Middle  Ages, 443 

CHAPTER  LXin. 
Christmas — As   regards   giving    presents — My   Christmas    Story — Yerses, 
"  Last   Christmas," 449 

CHAPTER  LXIV. 
•*  New  Year's " — What  the  author  saw  in  an  undertaker's  shop  one  New 
Year's  eve, 459 

CHAPTER  LXV. 
Children  and  their  sayings,  a  chapter  made  up  of  the  marvelous  things  that 
little  people  say  and  do  "  out  of  their  own  heads," 464 

CHAPTER   LXVL 
A  Bird  Breakfast — How  feathered  parents  feed  their  young — The  trouble 
which  came  to  Border  Hill  because  of  the  importation  of  a  ripe  monkey 
and  a  green  paroquet — Jocko  as  a  ravisher  of  nests, 479 

CHAPTER  LXVn. 

Poor  Jocko — Tempest-tossed  from  the  first — His  adventures  and  misadven- 
tures, unhappy  life  and  happy  death — Requiescat  in.  pace, 489 

CHAPTER  LXVin. 

Poor  Laurita — Last  of  the  Panama  Pets — Sad  history  of  a  green-plumed 
paroquet — Bereaved  at  Sea,  buried  on  Land — Moral,  we  should  not  love 
anything  made  of  clay,  even  though  it  has  feathers  on  it ! 504 


CONTENTS. 


XV 


CHAPTER  LXIX. 

As  regards  early  rising — Verses  showing  "The  absurdity  of  it" — ^A reminis- 
cence of  a  first  and  rural  love, 514 

CHAPTER  LXX. 

A  Tale  of  the  Truly  Rural,  illustrating  the  disadvantages  of  not  knowing 
whether  you're  in  love  or  not,  particularly  when  the  Girl  won't  marry  you 

after  all, 518 

CHAPTER  LXXI. 

All  about  Croquet,  and  three  plunges  into  poetry — "  Miss,  Miss,  Miss !" — 

"  The  May  Green  " — "  Out  on  the  Lawn  in  the  Evening  Gray," 535 

CHAPTER  LXXII. 

In  which  the  author  respectfully  refuses  to  be  passed  down  to  Posterity  as 

a  California  Humorist,  and  shows  why  he  is  not  a  Californian  at  all 538 

CHAPTER   LXXIII. 

Deacon  Brown ;  A  Dialectic  Excuse  for  a  good  man, 550 

CHAPTER   LXXIV. 

The  Great  Disaster  at  Mill  River — Scenes  after  the  Flood — A  bad  dam — 
The  blame  of  it — An  anxious  night  iu  the  Valley, 553 

CHAPTER   LXXV. 
Kettle  Run — How  the  author  forded  it ;  a  leaf  from  his  military  experience,  564 

CHAPTER  LXXVI. 
"  Poor  Chips  " — A  leaf  from  the  author's  experience  as  a  sailor, 670 

CHAPTER   LXXVII. 

About  the  King  of  Ashantee,  his  three  thousand  wives,  other  trifles,  and 
works   of  art, 679 

CHAPTER  LXXVHI. 

Suggestions  for  the  relief  of  mad  dogs  and  other  brutes, 584 

CHAPTER  LXXIX. 

Ode  to  the  Coggia  Comet, 590 

CHAPTER  LXXX. 
An  argument  for  the  suppression  of  Fourth-of-Julys,  enforced  by  the  per- 
sonal experience  last  Independence  Day, 593 

CHAPTER   LXXXI. 
"  Tilings,"  consisting  of  an  accumulation  of  paragraphs  which  could  not  be 
otherwise  disposed  of,  and  containing  "  The  Maiden's  Last  Farewell"  as 
it  will  be  in  the  day  of  Cremation, 598 

CHAPTER  LXXXn. 
Showing  how  Wheat  is  responsible  for  all  this  Chaff, 618 

CHAPTER  LXXXIIL 
The  Author's  last  best  Gift  to  the  readers  of  the  book  ;  "  No  More," 619 


Page. 
Frontispiece.    -        — 


Portrait  of  the  Author,       ... 

Illuminated  Title-Page, 

Intekviewino  a  Pilot,            ......  26 

To  Be  or  not  to  Be — Strapped;  That's  the  Question,     -  33 

Waylaid  on  the  Stairs,        ......  51 

Rambles  in  Congress  Park,        .....  64 

"  What  Ails  the  Dog  ? "         -          -          .           -          .          -  73 

An  Impending  Tragedy,               .....  91 

Uncle  Ancel  and  His  Charg-er,     .          -          .          .          -  121 

Relics  op  a  Night  Affray,         .....  133 

An  Infuriated  Musician,       ......  144 

Sarah's  Slanderer  Called  to  an  Account,              -           -  165 

A  Contribution  Called  for — The  Procession  Starts,            -  180 

Long  Bridge  and  Moon's  Landing,  Saratoga  Lake,           -  187 

"  I  WANT  to  Come  in,"             ......  194 

"The  Hills  Were  Voiceless,"   .....  237 

"  Should  Old  Acquaintance  be  Forgot,"             ...  243 

Experiences  in  the  Undertow,            ....  282 

Pleasures  op  Railroad  Traveling,           ....  286 

John  Paul  Joins  in  the  Mazy  Dance,             ...  292 

"  Let  Me  Go  Back  !  I  Shall  Die  !" 298 

The  Night  Vision  of  Bugaboo  Ben,     ....  313 

A  Night  Conflagration,        ......  355 

At  Realejo — Greenbacks  at  a  Discount,       ...  386 

"  TooDLES "  Recovered,           ......  427 

The  Knight  about  to  Castle,     .....  443 

Jocko's  Raid  on  the  Parson,           .....  496 

John  Paul  Makes  Himself  Useful,      ....  518 

Kettle  Run— A  Fish's-eye  View,     -           -           .          -           -  566 

*'  They  are  Tours,  Sir," 583 

Hardee's  Tactics,         -  .  .  -  .  -  -611 

Ths  iiAST  8AI>  Rite,            .          .          .          .          •          •  615 


CHAPTER  I. 

WHICH    IS   MOSTLY   PREFATORY   AND   WHOLLY   UNNECESSARY. 

SEVERAL  causes  moved  me  to  make  this  book.  First,  I 
wanted  to.  Looking  back  over  my  checkered  career,  I 
discovered  that  Ihad  written  a  good  deal,  and  the  willingness 
of  the  world  to  let  it  all  die,  astonished  me.  Then,  the 
newspapers  containing  my  articles  were  getting  worn  out. 
The  most  desultory  observer  cannot  fail  to  have  remarked 
how  soon  the  newspapers  containing  his  articles  do  get  worn 
out,  if  he  reads  them  over  pretty  frequently,  himself,  and 
carries  them  round  in  his  pockets  to  show  to  friends.  And 
I  did  not  feel  able  to  incur  the  expense  of  getting  new  copies 
printed.  It  occurred  to  me  at  this  moment  that  if  1  could 
but  inveigle  a  publisher  into  printing  a  book  for  me,  I 
might  thus  obtain  handsome  duplicates  of  everything  1  had 
written,  at  the  personal  expenditure  of  a  little  mucilage  only. 
And  I  question  if  this  is  not  how  many  books  besides  mine 
come  to  be  made,  were  the  truth  known. 

Again,  I  had  nothing  else  to  do.  You  may  have  noticed 
that  when  a  man  lias  nothing  else  to  do,  nine  times  in  ten  he 
goes  ofi'  and  makes  a  book.  With  women  this  is  diU'ercnt. 
Book  making,  as  some  poet  remarks,  though  but  the  pastime 
of  a  man's  life,  is  the  serious  occupation  of  a  woman's.  So 
far  hack  as  the  day  of  the  Mound-builders  it  had  become  a 
proverb,  that  when  a  woman  is  busy  with  a  book,  children 
may  cut  up  as  they  please  with  a  blissful  certainty  of  not 
being  spanked  until  the  end  of  a  cha])ter.  This  sweet 
2 


18  MEMORIES  OF  MY  EARLY  DAYS. 

immunity,  I  regret  to  say,  was  never  mine.  Neither  of  my 
parents,  if  memory  serves  me  rightly,  ever  happened  at  the 
moments  of  my  malfeasance  to  be  earnestly  enough  engaged 
to  neglect  the  serious  business  of  the  hour.  But  Nature's 
compensations  are  unfailing.  Thus,  when  the  sainted  neigh- 
bors who  lived  adjacent  and  kindly  watched  over  my  glowing 
youth, — reporting  occasional  misdeeds,  and  sending  in  to 
borrow  butter  and  sugar  on  the  strength  of  the  "  friendly 
interest "  they  took  in  me — shook  their  heads  and  remarked 
that  I  did  not  take  after  my  father,  it  was  an  ecstatic  satis- 
faction to  me  to  reflect  how  often  that  worthy  gentleman 
took  after  me. 

My  excellent  mother,  too ;  to  "  correct  "  me  pained  her 
more  than  it  did  me,  I  know,  for  she  always  said  so  ;  but 
duty  urged  her  on,  and  she  invariably  chastised  me  on  the 
gpot — what  particular  spot  it  is  unnecessary  to  mention  at 
this  writing.  Bless  her  heart !  according  to  all  accounts  she 
never  slept  comfortably  after  punishing  me,  and  1  know  that 
I  on  my  part  never  sat  down  with  very  firm  faith  in  a  happy 
future  for  about  two  days  subsequently. 

The  village  schoolmistress,  too,  had  a  habit  of  sacrificing 
her  feelings  to  a  stern  sense  of  duty,  similarly,  and  much 
more  frequently.  It  grieved  her  to  the  heart  to  do  it,  she 
explained,  but  I  don't  know  that  she  could  have  been  more 
active  about  starting  in  had  it  pleased  her  right  up  to  the 
handle.  Indeed,  it  has  always  surprised  me  to  see  how 
unflinchingly  some  conscientious  sojourners  in  this  vale  of 
tears  will  prance  along  in  the  thorny  path  of  duty,  if  only 
sustained  by  the  blessed  consciousness  that  they  are  treading 
on  somebody  else's  toes  all  the  while. 

But  to  go  back  to  my  explanation  of  how  this  book  came 
to  be  written — for  I  really  feel  that  an  explanation  is 
due  to  the  world :  I  had  nothing  else  to  do  at  the  time,  and 
a  large  family  stood  round  helping  me  to  do  it.  So,  like 
the  unjust  Butler,  I  said  within  myself : — "Whom  shall  I 
do  ?  As  a  digger  I  am  not  a  success ;  to  lecture  I  am 
ashamed.     Yerily,  I  will  make  unto  myself  a  book,  for  with 


I  MEDITATE  MAKING  A  BOOK.  19 

that  which  I  myself  have  written,  and  peradventure  may 
purloin  from  others,  shall  I  not  have  exceeding  great 
material  ?  And  the  name  thereof  shall  be  Back  Pay.  Thus 
may  I  again  gain  recompense  for  that  for  which  I  have  been 
much  overpaid  already."  So  the  thing  was,  in  a  measure, 
resolved  upon. 

Indeed,  I  may  say  in  a  measure,  for  a  measure  had  much 
to  do  with  it.  Thus  it  was : — while  deliberating  what  to  do, 
a  panic  swept  over  the  country,  and  I  stepped  in  to  buy  a 
hat.  I  always  do  this  in  times  when  a  man's  financial  stand- 
ing may  be  called  in  question,  for  a  hat  doesn't  cost  much, 
and  looks  as  shiny  as  a  whole  suit  of  clothes.  You  can 
skitter  along  Broadway  of  an  afternoon  then,  with  all  the 
effect  of  a  trolling  spoon.  People  think  you've  made  money 
by  the  panic,  and  your  credit  is  better  than  ever.  Some 
mistaken  souls  who  dream  of  the  contrary,  affect  the  appear- 
ance of  poverty,  when  panics  are  around,  fearful  lest  any 
indication  of  wealth  might  bring  needy  borrowers  to  them. 

The  reverse  is  true.  In  a  transitory  world  like  this  of 
ours,  one  into  which  sin  and  suffering  enter  so  largely  that  a 
man  never  knows  exactly  where  he  stands  till  he  is  snatched 
bald-headed,  no  weak  and  erring  mortal  has  any  time  to 
fool  away  trying  to  borrow  money  of  rich  friends  or 
relatives.  No ;  let  it  be  generally  understood  that  you  are 
in  affluent,  or  even  fluent  circumstances,  and  a  crowd  will  be 
at  your  heels  from  morning  till  night,  each  one  anxious  to 
lend  you  a  dollar.  But  bruit  it  about  that  you  are  poor,  and 
you  couldn't  borrow  a  cent  to  save  your  sole, — from  the  blister- 
ing that  would  come  of  being  obliged  to  walk  from  the 
Battery  to  Central  Park,  because  of  having  only  four  cents 
for  car-fare ;  that's  what  I  meant  to  say.  (I  hope  that,  for 
the  future,  instead  of  dragging  in  the  only  part  which  is 
immortal  in  man  for  a  simile,  colloquial  authors  will  all  do  as 
I  have  done  in  the  preceding  sentencc,-let  go  the  upper 
when  they  come  to  it,  and  take  hold  lower  down.)  Even 
banks — benevolent  banks — slam  to  their  doors  when  a  human 
being   admits   that   he  is  really   distressed    for  a  discount. 


20  A  MORTIFYING  MEASURE. 

Champagne  and  woodcock  are  pressed  only  npon  those  who 
have  enough  to  eat  at  home.  Let  a  man  really  need  a  dinner, 
and  he  is  referred  to  the  nearest  soup-kitclien  round  the 
corner.  Sometimes,  1  wonder  whether  or  not  those  who  are 
always  willing  to  "  treat "  the  rich  so  handsomely,  but  refuse 
a  penny  to  the  beggar  who  comes  along  with  out-stretched 
palm,  think  that  they  "  lend  to  the  Lord  "  that  way  just  the 
same  as  they  would  by  giving  to  the  poor. 

But,  as  1  was  saying,  I  stepped  in  to  be  measured  for  a  hat. 
"  Certainly,"  said  the  well  and  widely  known  hatter,  Mr. — 
no,  he  is  dead  since,  another  name  is  on  the  sign,  and  men- 
tion here  will  benefit  neither  him  nor  me, — and  slapped  a 
curious  contrivance,  looking  not  unlike  a  broad-brimmed 
music-box,  on  top  of  my  head.  Notwithstanding  that  it  was 
constructed  of  iron,  the  machine  developed  all  the  elasticity  of 
a  poultice,  and  gradually  settled  down  over  my  eyes. 

"What  are  you  doing  Qf ?"  I  asked. 

"  Only  getting  the  shape  of  your  head.  There ! "  and 
lifting  the  lid  of  the  kettle,  he  pointed  to  a  piece  of  paper 
impaled  on  pins  inside,  which  exhibited  the  annexed  diagram 
m  dots : — 


^ 


-••.. 
"**"•• 


No  farmer  could  have  raised  a  potato  of  such  shape  on 
the  remotest  corner  of  his  farm,  without  sprouting  a  blush 
of  shame  all  over  his  honest  cheek.  Any  one  who  has  ever 
had  to  do  with  agriculture  knows  how  an  amateur  blushes 
when  a  potato   turns   up   of  unsymmetrical  shape.     I  trust 


OPINIONS  OF  A  HATTER.  21 

then  that  the  feeling  which  impelled  me  to  look  around  for  a 
double-barreled  shot-gun,  on  being  informed  that  this  was 
the  exact  shape  of  my  head,  will  not  be  misunderstood. 
Life  had  suddenly  lost  all  charm  for  me. 

Seeing  my  distress,  the  gentlemanly  purveyor  of  last 
spring's  tiles  explained  to  me  that  the  heads  of  very  few 
men — certainly  of  no  great  men — were  regular  in  shape. 
That  the  head  of  Daniel  Webster,  for  instance,  had  a  sort  of 
kitchen  extension  on  one  side.  "  Many  a  man  gets  on  in  the 
world  with  a  worse  head  than  you've  got — and  does  con- 
siderable business  at  that,"  he  added  reflectively. 

"  "What  might  such  a  head  be  best  adapted  to  ?  What 
line  of  business  as  best  suited  to  that  peculiar  side  elevation 
would  you  advise  me  to  tie  to  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  with  such  a  head  on  your  shoulders, 
you  ought  to  be  good  at  floating  loans.  Western  railroad 
bonds  ought  to  come  sort  of  natural  to  you.  Or  you  might 
canvass  for  a  subscription  book.  You  might  even  get  up  a 
book  yourself ! "  And  the  last  remark  was  spoken  with  the 
enthusiasm  generally  manifested  by  one  who  feels  that  at 
last  he  has  struck  something  that  he  knows  nothing  at  all 
about,  could  not  and  would  not  do  himself,  and  is  advising 
some  one  else  to  do  it. 

The  die  was  cast,  and  I  returned  home  full  of  a  new 
purpose.  On  communicating  that  purpose  to  the  family,  the 
wildest  emotion  was  elicited.  My  excellent  mother  dropped 
her  knitting,  to  declare  that  she  remembered  several  compo- 
sitions of  mine,  written  at  school,  which  she  always  thought 
— and  said — were  good  enough  to  print  anywhere.  My  wife 
remarked,  with  calm  dignity,  that  she  was  glad  that  at  last 
her  beloved  husband  was  awaking  to  "  a  i-ealizing  sense  "  of 
what  he  was  capal)lc  of,  and  what  the  world  demanded  of 
him.  There  were  any  nundjcr  of  writers  without  one  half  of 
my  talents — as  she  had  over  and  over  again  assured  me — 
whose  wives  dressed  handsomely  on  wliat  they  juade  out  of 
their  books;  writers,  too,  who  had  never  written  half  so 
much    as    I    had.     Even    the   l)aby   gave  a  wild    scream   of 


22  AN  EXCITED  HOUSEHOLD. 

delight,  and,  on  picking  him  up  from  the  floor,  to  which  he 
had  dropped  from  his  mother's  arms  unnoticed  amid  the 
commotion  excited  by  the  announcement  of  my  fell  purpose, 
we  found  that  for  five  minutes  or  more,  that  possible  presi- 
dent of  the  United  States  had  been  pouring  over  some  MS. 
of  mine  that  had  just  been  returned  to  me  "  with  thanks," 
and  a  keen  editorial  lament  that  it  was  not  found  available, 
etc.,  by  a  popular  periodical. 

So  it  was  finally  settled  that  a  book  should  be  made ;  and 
as  1  was  known  to  be  constitutionally  opposed  to  labor, 
though  fond  of  its  fruits,  the  elder  Mrs.  Paul  at  once  fished  a 
pair  of  scissors  from  the  recesses  of  her  work-bag,  and  vol- 
unteered to  cut  out  from  the  piles  of  newspapers  and  maga- 
zines that  lay  in  the  woodshed,  all  the  articles  I  had  written. 
The  younger  Mrs.  Paul  agreed  to  paste  them  together  in 
long  strips,  so  that  I  would  have  nothing  to  do  but  cut  these 
strips  up  into  pages.  This,  you  see,  took  all  trouble  ofE  my 
hands,  leaving  me  simply  the  cheerful  pastime  of  arranging 
the  miscellaneous  collection  in  symmetrical,  if  not  chrono- 
logical form ;  crossing  out  all  ephemeral  allusions  and 
references  to  events  of  purely  local  interest ;  of  weaving 
together  the  disconnected  threads  so  as  to  preserve  a  pleasant 
though  delusive  show  of  continuity,  and  infusing  into  the 
whole  mass  that  highly  moral  flavor  which  should  stamp 
it,  unmistakably,  as  the  elaborate  production  of  my  mature  age. 

If  more  work  than  this  had  been  involved,  my  book  would 
never  have  been  undertaken.  On  principle  opposed  to  the 
expenditure  of  much  candle  unless  very  sure  that  the  game 
is  worth  it,  I  purpose  merely  to  string  together  the  odds  and 
ends  of  my  literary  life,  commencing  with  a  series  of 
letters  of  comparatively  recent  date,  which  seemed  to  amuse 
the  public  at  the  time  they  were  written.  If  these  letters  do 
not  suflice  to  make  my  book — for  it  must  contain  a  certain 
number  of  pages  to  meet  the  publishers'  requirements — I 
shall  draw  on  all  I  have  ever  done.  If  the  book  still  falls 
short,  I  shall  write  enough  to  fill  it  out,  or  perish  nobly  in  the 
attempt.     For  never  shall  it  be  said  of  me  that  I  put  my 


WHAT  I  THINK  ABOUT  FARMING.  23 

hand  to  the  plow  and  turned  back.  For  that  matter  never 
shall  it  be  said  of  me  that  I  put  hand  to  a  plow  at  all,  unless 
a  plow  should  chase  me  up  stairs  and  into  the  privacy  of  my 
bed-room,  and  then  I  should  only  put  hand  to  it  for  the  pur- 
pose of  throwing  it  out  of  the  window.  The  beauty  of  the 
farmer's  life  was  never  very  clear  to  me.  As  for  its  boasted 
"independence,"  in  the  part  of  the  country  I  come  from  there 
was  never  a  farm  that  was  not  mortgaged  for  about  all  it  was 
worth  :  never  a  farmer  who  was  not  in  debt  up  to  his  chin  at 
"the  store."  Contented!  when  it  rains  the  farmer  grumbles 
because  he  can't  hoe  or  do  something  else  to  his  crops,  and 
when  it  doesn't  rain,  he  grumbles  because  his  crops  do  not 
grow.  Hens  are  the  only  ones  on  a  farm  that  are  not  in  a 
perpetual  worry  and  ferment  about  "crops;"  they  fill  theirs 
with  whatever  comes  along,  whether  it  be  an  angle  worm,  a 
kernel  of  corn,  or  a  small  cobble  stone,  and  give  thanks  just 
the  same.  But  enough  of  preface  and  explanations ;  let  me 
begin  my  book  at  once. 


CHAPTER  11. 

IN   "WHICH   WE   PROCEED   TO   BUSINESS   AND   8AKAT0GA. 

THE  road  from  New  York  to  Saratoga  is  well  enough 
marked.  Indeed,  so  definitely  is  it  staked  out  that  one 
could  not  very  well  get  lost  on  it,  even  with  the  aid  of  a 
"  Guide  Book."  The  gliding  keels  of  boats  have  worn  a 
path  in  mid-river,  and  cars,  that  infest  the  night  as  well  as 
the  day,  have  left  their  tracks  along  the  river-side.  Indeed, 
they  have  a  way  of  leaving  their  track  every  now  and  again, 
these  cars,  not  specially  soothing  to  tourists  who  seek  quiet 
and  repose. 

Between  these  competing  lines  the  favor  of  the  traveling 
public  is  not  at  all  equally  divided ;  the  balance  turns  greatly 
in  favor  of  the  rail.  Why  this  should  be  puzzles  me  to  deter- 
mine. How  any  person,  traveling  simply  for  pleasure,  can 
deliberately  resign  himself  to  the  clutch  of  a  shrieking, 
devil-like  locomotive,  and  submit  to  be  whirled  over  dusty 
roads  and  through  darksome  tunnels,  when  noble,  broad- 
bosomed  rivers  are  all  the  while  flowing  in  a  direction 
parallel  to  his  route,  passes  my  comprehension.  And  yet, 
the  one  word  "  hurry  "  explains  it  all.  If  the  Englishman 
who  proposed  a  bomb  that  should  shoot  passengers  from 
Dover  to  Calais,  would  but  establish  that  peculiar  air-line 
between  New  York  and  Albany,  he  would  certainly  achieve 
a  brilliant  success.  The  rail  would  be  abandoned,  and  people 
would  travel  wholly  by  that  decidedly  ^^  over-land  route." 
What  a  pity  that  we  do  not  adopt  the  old  Arabic  maxim  : — 


RAILROAD  versus  RIVER.  26 

"  Hurry  is  the  Devil's,"  and  quietly  walk  to  our  graves  instead 
of  running ! 

One  of  the  greatest  pleasures  of  steaming  up  the  North 
River  is  that  of  leaving  the  red-walled  city  behind  you.  It 
enables  you  to  turn  your  back  on  it  in  a  contemptuous  way ; 
or  if  perchance  you  look  back  at  the  retreating  houses  and 
fading  streets,  it  is  only  with  a  quick  glance  of  dislike,  not 
the  lingering  look  of  aflfection.  There  is  a  feeling  of 
unspeakable  relief  when  you  get  beyond  the  eonhnes  of  the 
city,  opposite  that  blessed  part  of  Mannahatta  where  no 
streets  are  graded,  and  where  the  grass  has  not  yet  forgotten 
how  to  grow.  It  is  the  same  feeling  of  relief  that  comes 
over  one  on  emerging  from  a  crowded  room  into  the  open 
air.  The  lungs  expand  and  the  muscles  of  the  heart  have  a 
broader  play. 

It  has  been  urged  against  the  river  route  that  the  scenery 
becomes  monotonous  ;  that  after  having  been  once  seen  it  is 
"  rather  a  bore  than  otherwise."  Monotonous,  indeed  !  The 
man  who  made  that  remark  must  have  got  sadly  wearied  of 
his  mother's  face  in  infancy  ;  possibly  he  tired  of  hearing 
the  same  step  always  around  his  cradle,  and  considered  the 
old  lady  "  rather  a  bore  than  otherwise."  But  the  scenery 
of  the  Hudson  is  never  the  same — hourly  and  daily  it 
changes.  Anthony's  Nose  is  every  day  growing  redder,  and 
you  never  saw  the  trees  wear  the  same  shade  of  green  two 
hours  in  succession.  It  is  true,  that  going  up  the  river  by 
night  you  do  not  see  much  of  the  scenery,  after  all — but 
then  you  have  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  it  is  there. 

It  is  pleasant,  too,  to  see  the  moon  rise  on  the  water;  to 
watch  her  fair  face  when  she  peers  over  the  hill-tops,  blush- 
ingly  at  first,  as  though  aware  that  profane  eyes  are  gazing 
on  her  unveiled  beauties;  and  then  gliding  with  quiet  grace 
to  her  canopied  throne,  the  Zenith.  The  face  of  Miss  Moon 
was  freckled  the  last  night  I  went  np  the  river.  I  suspect 
that  she  had  been  kissing  the  sun  behind  the  curtains  down 
yonder,  and  this  supposition  would  also  account  for  her  late 
rising.     Altiiough  not  given  to  making  overtures  to  strangers, 


26  HAILING  A  PILOT. 

I  could  not  that  night  forbear  remarking  to  a  rather  gruff- 
looking  gentleman — the  pilot,  I  think — that  the  moonlight 
was  beautiful.  His  only  reply  was  :  "D —  the  moonlight ; " 
and  as  the  conversation  seemed  to  drag  at  this  point  I  went 
down  into  the  cabin.  As  a  general  rule  pilots  are  sadly 
deficient  in  sentiment — Pontius,  the  first  Pilate  of  whom  we 
have  any  official  record,  was  proof  in  point  of  this ;  and  the 
morals  and  manners  of  the  fraternity  have  not  mended  much 
since  his  day. 

Yet  my  remark  was  a  truthful  one ;  for  it  had  been  a 
beautiful  day  and  was  then  a  beautiful  night.  And  between 
the  beauties  of  a  June  day,  and  the  witcheries  of  a 
June  night,  it  is  hard  to  choose.  While  the  one  woos  you 
with  blonde  loveliness,  the  other  comes  with  brunette  beauty, 
dark-eyed  and  dark-haired,  her  tresses  woven  with  diamonds 
and  her  brow  bound  by  a  tiara  of  stars.  If  it  is  pleasant  to 
see  Day  look  through  the  windows  of  the  East,  and  then 
come  tripping  over  the  meadows ;  it  is  grand  to  see  Night 
come  down  in  her  simple  majesty,  muffling  the  hill-tops 
beneath  her  hood,  and  spreading  her  robes  of  velvet  over 
the  conscious  evergreens.  On  the  whole,  I  give  my  heart 
and  hand  to  the  brunette  beauty. 

By  the  way,  there  is  one  feature  of  the  river  that  I  nearly 
forgot  to  mention  ;  it  is  quite  as  prominent  a  feature  as 
Anthony's  Nose,  yet  you  look  for  it  in  "  Hand  Books  of  the 
Hudson  "  in  vain.  The  inventors  of  various  hair  lotions, 
liniments,  aperients  and  other  abominations,  have  turned  the 
rocks  along  the  river-side  into  a  medium  for  advertising 
thoir  wares ;  the  Highlands  declare  the  glory  of  some 
wretched  cough  syrup,  the  Palisades  are  vocal  with  the  praise 
of  pills,  and  unless  some  happy  deluge  washes  off"  the  in- 
scriptions they  will  remain  to  puzzle  the  geologists  and 
archseologists  of  a  remote  generation.  There  is  no  saying 
when  this  style  of  advertising  was  initiated.  It  is  iaot 
improbable  that  it  has  existed  from  a  very  early  day,  and 
that  the  inscriptions  on  the  pyramids,  which  have  occasioned 
80  many  conjectures,  are  simply  the  handiwork  of  an  Egyptian 


1NTKKV1EV\  ING  THJi  I'lLOT. 


A  MENTION  OF  MUMMIES.  27 

Barnum,  setting  forth  the  attractions  of  some  fossil  "  fat 
boy,"  or  calling  on  every  one  to  come  and  see  a  nondescript 
from  the  interior  of  Mesopotamia.  Our  brick  walls  will 
perhaps  puzzle  posterity  in  this  way  quite  as  much  as  the 
pyramidical  piles  of  Cheops  and  his  people  have  puzzled  us. 

For  my  part,  /  never  did  have  much  curiosity.  Notwith- 
standing that  I  run  over  to  Egypt  nearly  every  summer,  the 
mummies  have  never  got  me  on  much  of  a  string.  The 
post-humorous  conundrums  which  you  stumble  upon  if  you 
examine  a  Sarcophagus  curiously,  with  an  eye  to  purchase, 
have  no  particular  interest  for  me.  Of  course  there  are 
many  things  I  would  like  to  know  about,  but  you  don't 
catch  me  asking  many  questions — the  boys  at  home  have  sold 
me  too  often  for  that. 

There  is  one  pyramid  which  it  is  scarcely  possible  that  you 
failed  to  visit  when  you  were  over  there  last,  for  it  stands 
within  easy  donkey  distance  of  Cairo.  Like  most  others  of 
the  block  it  has  an  English  basement,  but  no  butler's  pantry, 
back-yard,  bells,  speaking-tubes,  nor  other  modern  conven- 
iences ;  at  the  time  I  was  there  they  had  not  even  introduced 
gas  and  water.  The  only  thing  to  distinguish  it  from  the 
other  pyramids  that  stand  aroimd,  is  a  Mansard  roof,  which 
was  put  on  by  the  second  Sesostris — see  Herodotus, — who  got 
an  idea  that  there  ought  to  be  a  little  more  room  up  stairs. 
Well,  there's  a  mummy  sits  in  one  of  the  hall-chairs  (on  the 
right  just  as  you  go  in),  with  a  hat  ful^of  hieroglyphics 
sprinkled  all  over  him.  You  can  decipher  them  at  once,  if 
ever  you've  carried  on  a  business  correspondence  with  Sam. 
Bowles.     The  English  of  the  inscription  is : — 

"  There  are  Two  of  Us  sitting  Here — the  Visible  and  the 
Invisible." 

Now  I  wouldn't  ask  where  the  Invisible  is  for  a  dollar! 

Perhaps  you  didn't  see  this  pyramid  when  you  were  last 
up  the  Nile?  It  may  have  been  a  bad  day  for  pyramids, 
you  know,  and  this  one  didn't  happen  to  be  out. 


CHAPTER  III. 

IN  WHICH   WE   KEALLY   START  FOE   SARATOGA. 

AFTER  all  that  has  been  said  in  favor  of  river  travel,  the 
reader  will  of  course  conclude  that  I  took  that  route  to 
Saratoga.  If  so,  the  reader  simply  exhibits  a  profound 
ignorance  of  human  nature.  We  very  seldom  travel  by  the 
same  road  we  advise  others  to  take.  And  men  with  skating- 
rinks  on  top  of  their  heads  have  little  time  to  linger  along 
over  delicious  scenery  when  traveling  with  their  own  wives. 
So  the  Paul  family  took  an  early  train  from  Riverdale  for 
the  Grand  Central  Depot  in  New  York,  which  you  have  to 
start  from  to  go  anywhere. 

That  trunk  had  been  my  inseparable  companion  for  nigh 
upon  forty  years.  It  had  to  some  extent  become  my  sole — 
perhaps  I  should  say  my  sole-leather — reliance.  Together 
we  had  slid  down  the  gigantic  glaciers  of  the  far  north ; 
copper-nosed  and  bornoused  Bedouins  had  dragged  both  it 
and  myself  across  the  scorching  sands  of  the  Great  Desert ; 
linked  in  close  embrace,  we  had  pounded  over  the  Pyramids, 
plowed  through  the  mud  of  the  Nile.  Not  many  moons  had 
waxed  and  waned  since  we  went  bumping  over  the  Lava 
Beds.  And  in  all,  over  all,  and  through  all,  we  had  pre- 
served our  primitive  integrity.  But  we  were  wrecked  at 
last ;  the  sinewy  arm  of  the  mighty  baggage-man  wrought 
what  the  extremes  of  heat  and  cold,  the  agility  of  the  Arab, 
the  malice  of  the  murderous  Modoc,  failed  to  accomplish. 
It  got  no  further  than  the  Grand  Central  Depot. 


A  PERI  BECOMES  APPARENT.  29 

Living  in  the  country,  I  had  long  been  anxious  to  rest  my 
pale  blue  eye  upon  this  arch  and  arched  wonder  of  the 
metropolis.  The  ambition  of  my  soul  was  gratified.  It 
seems  very  little  of  an  undertaking,  this  coming  in  on  one 
train  to  go  out  on  another  from  the  same  depot,  but  it  gives 
one  an  excellent  opportunity  to  see  a  good  deal  of  New-York 
before  he  gets  well  through  with  it — which  cannot  but  be 
gratifying  to  one,  like  myself,  a  stranger  to  the  great  city. 
The  politeness,  too,  of  the  numerous  officials  is  pleasing  to 
the  man  who,  all  his  life  through,  has  been  exposed  to  the  can- 
dies and  pop-corn  of  the  prize-package  vender,  the  conduc- 
tor's scorn,  the  baggage-man's  contumely,  the  train's  delay, 
the  insolence  of  the  ticket-oflicer,  and  the  digs  in  the  ribs 
that  patient  merit  is  exposed  to  generally  when  traveling.  I 
attempted  to  pass  through  a  small  gate  which  led  to  the  other 
side  of  the  depot,  where  my  ticket-office  was  located. 

"Whither  would'st  thou  go,  fair  sir?"  inquired  a  V&ti  va. 
navy  blue,  with  a  brass  label  on  him. 

"  My  objective  point,  kind  stranger,  it  is  Saratoga,"  I  made 
reply.  "  I  would  impinge  thither  by  the  special  train  which 
leaves  this  edifice  at  the  hour  of  nine  in  the  morning,  and 
reaches  the  haven  above  mentioned  at  two  in  the  afternoon, 
unless  seized  at  Albany  for  non-payment  of  the  Internal  Rev- 
enue tax — unless  the  train  is  distrained  upon,  so  to  speak. 
Since  I  have  said  thus  much  to  you  in  confidence,  let  me  add 
that  I  seek  the  Hudson  Eiver  Railroad  ticket-office.  No,  do 
not  trouble  yourself  to  go  with  me,"  I  said,  as  he  made  a 
motion  of  coming  toward  me  ;  "  I  see  the  sign  immediately 
opposite,  and  can  reach  it  quite  readily,  thank  you." 

"  Nay,  it  is  not  permitted  that  thou  shoulds't  pass  that  way," 
he  made  answer.     "  Art  from  the  country,  I  presume  ?" 

"  To  a  certain  extent  my  response  should  be  in  the  affirm- 
ative, noble  sir,  or  officer.  I  reside  in  Westchester  County, 
just  beyond  Spuyten  Duyvil  Creek,  but  the  question  of 
annexation  has  been  much  discussed  of  late,  and  it  is  quite 
probable  from  the  tone  of  feeling  on  this  subject  and  the 
identity  of  the  interests  involved,  that  in  the  course  of  a  cen- 


30  POLITE  CONVERSATION  BEGINS. 

tury  or  two,  long  before  I  get  my  book  out,  some  definite" — 

"  Pardon  the  interruption  ;  I  was  simply  going  to  remark 
tbat,  if  my  supposition  be  correct,  your  line  of  travel  in  get- 
ting your  ticket  and  obtaining  checks  for  your  baggage  will 
afford  you  an  opportunity  of  seeing  the  city  and  its  environs 
which  could  not  have  fallen  to  your  lot  under  any  other 
combination  of  circumstances.  Pass  out  carefully  through 
that  far  door  below  there ;  a  good  many  gentlemen  wearing 
badges  like  that  which  now  I  wear,  to  show  that  they  belong 
to  the  establishment,  and  are  employed  expressly  to  find  out 
where  you  wish  to  go  and  keep  you  from  going  there,  will 
stop  you,  and  ask  questions.  But  it  is  probable  you  will  not 
meet  more  than  a  hundred  of  them  on  this  occasion,  for  'tis 
still  early  morn,  and  few  of  them  are  about  as  yet.  Explain 
everything  to  them  fully  and  carefully,  and  you  will  not  be 
molested.  Having  reached  the  street — God  send  in  safety, 
fair  sir,  for  your  countenance  pleases  me,  and  I  think  thou 
hast  a  wife  and  " — 

"  Six  lovely  "— 

"  No,  that  comes  in  in  the  dialogue  between  Eolla  and  the 
old  Castilian,  in  '  Pieces  of  Oratory  Selected  for  School  Use.' 
I  was  going  to  add  when  you  interrupted  me  at  '  and '  (flying 
off",  as  it  were  to  the  Andes),  that  thou  hast  seen  trouble. 
(Cause  and  effect  are  nearer  together  generally  than  the 
various  points  of  interest  in  this  depot.)  As  I  was  remark- 
ing, having  reached  the  street,  walk  briskly  around  the  build- 
ing, turning  to  the  right  as  you  go,  and  you'll  get  to  the 
ticket-oflSce  of  which  you're  in  quest  in  a  half -hour  at  the 
most." 

"  Thank  you,  kindly ;  adieu,  sir,"  I  said,  raising  my  hat 
respectfully  as  I  turned  to  go. 

"Nay,  say  not  adieu,  sir.  Au  revoir^  rather;  we  shall 
meet  several  times  again  ere  you  depart." 

How  pleasant  are  the  paths  of  peace.  How  sweet  it  is  to 
hold  cheerful  converse  in  this  wise  with  the  servants  of  the 
public,  and  to  be  entreated  gently  by  them,  rather  than  to 
fume  and  fret  and  have  them  be  impolite  if  not  profane  to 


POLITE  CONVERSATION  CONTINUED  31 

you.  Musing  upon  all  this,  and  resolving  to  write  a  series 
of  "  Tracts  for  Travelers,"  for  gratuitous  distribution,  I  pro- 
ceeded to  follow  out  the  directions  given  me,  and  by  aid  of 
a  friendly  policeman  or  two  at  last  found  my  ticket-place. 
The  usual  courtesies  ensued,  but  I  carried  my  point,  and  the 
next  thing  was  to  get  my  baggage  checked. 

"  ^o  ;  you  cannot  pass  here,  sir,"  explained  a  suave  official, 
when  I  attempted  to  pass  the  depot  to  where  my  baggage 
was,  "nor  can  any  one  bring  it  from  there  to  you.  'Tis 
slightly  suggestive  of  the  Dives  and  Lazurus  business,  I 
know,  but  there  is  no  help  for  it.  You  must  go  outside  the 
building,  and  around  it ;  'tis  only  a  dozen  blocks  or  so.  Pre- 
sent your  checks  to  the  gentleman  who  has  the  baggage  in 
charge ;  if  you  can  take  some  responsible  person,  known  to 
the  establishment,  along  with  you,  to  identify  you  and  cer- 
tify to  your  good  moral  character,  'twill  facilitate  matters 
somewhat,  but  'tis  not  absolutely  necessary.  Then,  if  one 
of  the  gentlemanly  porters  happens  to  be  disengaged,  your 
baggage  will  be  brought  around  here,  and  you  can  get  checks 
for  it." 

"  But  I  have  just  arrived  around  here  from  around  there, 
and  I  don't  want  to  go  back  all  around  there,  if  I  will  have 
to  come  back  all  around  here  again  "  —  and  I  tried  to  get 
through  the  door. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir ;  it  is  not  permitted  that  you  pass  here. 
Besides,  you  are  from  the  country,  I  presume  ? " 

"  Oh,  bother  your  presumption,"  I  made  answer,  forgetting 
my  role  of  the  Tame  Traveler ;  "  I've  been  all  through  that 
over  yonder." 

The  calm  official  looked  reproachfully  at  me,  but  betrayed 
no  symptom  of  either  impatience  or  anger,  and,  somewhat 
regretting  the  hastiness  of  my  speech  —  a  thing  I  seldom 
have  to  apologize  for,  by  the  way  —  I  touched  my  hat  apolo- 
getically and  said,  "  Adieu." 

"  Nay,  say  not  '  adieu,'  sir  ;  say,  rather," 

But  I  knew  what  was  coming,  and  broke  away.  The  rain 
was  pouring  in  torrents,  so  I  called  a  hackman,  and  bargained 


32  A  HACKMAN  EMBODIES  HIS  VIEWS. 

with  him  to  drive  me  around  where  the  baggage  was.  Ever 
.  on  the  lookout  for  information,  I  asked  this  hackman,  as  we 
bowled  merrily  along,  how  long  it  would  take  to  drive  clear 
around  that  depot  ?  "  "Well,  sometimes  more  and  sometimes 
less,"  he  said,  "  if  it  be  a  poor  day  for  bodies" — 

"  A  poor  day  for  what  ?  " 

"  Bodies,  sir ;  we  calls  'em  bodies  ;  some  folks  calls  'em 
stiffs,  but  we  calls  'em  bodies;  sounds  less  distressful,  as 
'twere,  besides  being  more  'spectful  like  to  the  parties  them- 
selves, you  know.  Now  if  there  hain't  been  many  pnssons  a 
movin'  about  and  tryin'  to  get  'ome  across  the  tracks,  you  can 
get  along  right  smartly,  but  if  there's  many  bodies  lyiu' 
about " — 

"  Thank  you,  driver,  I  don't  think  I  care  to  know  any 
more  just  now.  Call  me  when  we  get  where  the  baggage  is," 
and  I  threw  myself  back  on  the  satin  cushions,  wondering  if 
the  author  of  the  sweet  old  song,  "  If  a  body  meet  a  body," 
knew  what  he  was  about  when  he  wrote  it. 

"  Said  I  not  we  should  meet  again  ? "  remarked  my  first 
friend  in  navy  blue,  with  a  sad  smile,  as  he  gave  me  permis- 
sion to  walk  a  few  blocks  down  to  where  the  baggage  was 
piled. 

My  identity  being  satisfactorily  established,  five  stalwart 
Greeks  took  my  baggage  on  their  shoulders,  and  stepped 
right  across  the  depot  with  it,  while  I  rushed  out  to  my  hack, 
and,  by  mad  driving,  got  around  almost  as  soon  as  they  did. 
Got  there  just  in  time  to  see  the  favorite  trunk,  of  which 
mention  has  been  made,  dashed  down  upon  an  ingenious  iron 
anvil,  apparently  erected  in  the  baggage-room  for  the  precise 
purpose,  and  split  open  as  though  it  had  been  an  oyster.  A 
peculiar  odor  floated  out  upon  the  air,  which  I  recognized  at 
once  —  Mustang  Liniment — evidently  something  had  broken. 

"  Very  unfortunate,  sir ;  but  can't  be  helped,"  remarked 
the  baggage-master,  in  measured  tones.  "  It  will  go  very 
well  if  you  have  a  strap  around  it.  Those  other  trunks  of 
3'ours  will  go  too  if  they  don't  have  straps  around  'em." 

"  Very  well,  put  a  strap  around  that  one  then." 


TO  HE  UK  NOT  TO  UK-STl'.Al'l'Kl) :  Til  A  IS  TIIK  lilKSTlON. 


A  STRAPPING  BAGGAGE-MASTER.  33 

"  But  your  other  trunks  will  go,  too,  if  they  don't  hare 
straps  around  'em." 

"  Then  donH  put  any  straps  around  them ;  I'm  not  partic- 
ular about  it,"  I  said. 

The  mental  agony  of  that  moment  I  would  not  again 
endure  for  worlds.  There  stood  that  moral  megatherium  of 
a  baggage-master  protesting  that  one  trunk  would  go  if  there 
was  a  strap  on  it,  and  that  the  others  would  go  if  there  was 
n't,  and  amid  all  the  confusion  it  took  me  ten  minutes  to 
understand  what  he  really  intended  —  which  was  simply  to 
sell  me  five  straps.     I  permitted  him  that  luxury. 

"  "What  is  the  consideration,  the  compensation,  the  beggarly 
honorarium  for  each  ? "  1  inquired,  as  he  buckled  to  his 
buckling. 

"  The  what  ?  " 

"  The  damage ; "  and  I  sighed  this  softly  in  his  ear. 

"  Only  a  dollar,  sir  ! " 

"  Of  what  material  are  they  fabricated  ;  are  they  Russian 
leather  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Rushin'  leather  on  you  ?  Oh,  no,  sir ;  we  sell  a  good 
many  of  them  of  course,  but  hinges  will  break  and  locks  ain't 
much  'count,  no  way.  Now  if  there  was  any  collision 
between  the  boys  that  handle  the  baggage  and  us  who  sell 
the  straps  it  might  look  like  a  game,  but  there's  no  profit 
onto  them.  We  only  keep  them  to  oblige  the  public.  Five 
dollars!     All  right,  thank  you,  sir." 

"  The  obligation  is  mutual,  my  good  friend,"  I  replied. 
"  Tieally  I  am  the  one  to  say  '  thank  you.'  For  here  have  I 
been  traveling  up  and  down  and  over  the  world  with  these 
same  trunks,  and  never  found  out  that  they  were  deficient  in 
straps.  No  one  has  so  much  as  hinted  it  before,  and  1  am 
really  profoundly  grateful  to  you  for  mentioning  it,  the  more 
especially  as  1  see  by  this  advertisement  that  there  is  no 
change  of  baggage  between  here  and  Saratoga.  But  why  do 
not  your  assistants  handle  baggage  with  more  care?  What 
good  comes  of  banging  things  about  so?" 

"  What  good  conies  of  it  ?     Keally  1  am  surprised  that  a 


3 


34:  STRAPS  AS  TRAPS. 

gentleman  of  your  intelligence  should  ask  such  a  question. 
"What  good  comes  of  it  ?  Do  you  remember  that  Kozensweig 
affair  ?  IMow,  how  would  that  murder  ever  have  been  found 
out  if  the  boys  hadn't  been  a  little  rough  on  that  baggage  ? 
And  how  would  the  party  ever  have  been  remembered  and 
identified  if  I  hadn't  sold  that  party  a  strap  for  the  trunk 
when  it  got  a  little  shaky  ?  You  see  the  fact  is,"  (here  he 
dropped  his  voice  and  whispered  in  my  ear,)  "  when  any- 
body comes  along  who  looks  like  a  murderer  now,  the  boys 
always  contrive  to  " —  • 

I  looked  at  my  watch  here,  and  saw  that  it  was  very  near 
train  time,  so  I  said  good-bye,  cordially. 

"  Would  you  not  like  a  strap  for  that  umbrella,  sir  ? "  he 
called  after  me.  "  It  looks  as  though  it  would  come  open 
easy." 

"  No,  I  thank  you  ;  good-bye." 

"  A  strap  for  your  pocket-book  perhaps  ? " 

"  Thank  you,  no ;  it  is  pretty  well  strapped  already.  Good- 
bye." 

And  it  was  good  of  me  to  buy  so  many  straps,  though  after 
all  I  did  little  better  in  that  direction  than  my  fellow  travel- 
ers, for  I  noticed  that  nearly  every  trunk  on  the  train —  even 
the  newest,  the  strongest,  and  most  vigorous;  iron-bound, 
brass-jointed,  hickory-hooped  crates  and  cages,  all  were  sup- 
plemented with  one  of  those  russet  leather  surcingles,  which 
I  have  ascertained  can  be  purchased  of  any  good  harness- 
maker  in  the  land  for  from  four  to  five  dollars  the  dozen. 
A  few  moments  more,  but  not  before  I  had  again  met  the 
other  oflacial  who  so  gently  deprecated  the  word  "  adieu," 
and  our  hghtning  special  was  thundering  along  the  track. 

How  improving  conversation  is  to  the  mind !  Here,  after 
an  intelligent  interchange  of  ideas  with  the  various  oflBcials 
of  the  Grand  Central  Depot,  carried  on  amicably,  notwith- 
standing some  unmistakable  differences  of  opinion,  I  went 
away  invigorated  and  refreshed,  possessed  of  much  knowledge 
that  had  never  dawned  upon  me  before.  This  is  why  I  have 
introduced  so  much  of  the  conversation  at  length.     And  will 


POP  CORN  AND  PRIZE  PACKAGES.  35 

any  say  that  this  was  not  mnch  better  than  sitting  idly  about, 
havino-  others  do  the  work  for  me,  and  waiting  for  train  time 

to  come  ? 

A  "Wagner  car  —  how  comfortable  it  is !  Whether  or  not 
the  Wagner  music  is  that  of  the  future  I  will  not  undertake 
to  decide,  but  certainly  the  Wagner  car  is  good  enough  for 
the  present — when  you  can't  get  a  Pullman.  (I  slip  in  this 
qualification  that  I  may  not  be  accused  of  bulling  the  stock 
of  either  company.)  It  is  delightful  to  get  away  from 
"  'Ere's  your  pop-corn,  fresh  sugared  and  salted  !  "  How  do 
these  wretches  live  ?  I  never  see  any  one  buy  even  a  popped 
kernel  of  the  unpopular  pests.  The  fiends,  too,  who  lay 
"packages  of  prize  candy,  every  package  containing  some 
valuable  present "  and  dirty  illustrated  papers  and  books  in 
your  lap  without  asking  permission  !  Railroad  accidents  are 
not  of  infrequent  occurrence,  but  I  never  read  of  any  of  them 
being  killed.     Do  they  ever  die  ? 

Our  lightning  special  makes  few  stoppages,  but  at  Pough- 
keepsie  the  conductor  announces  ten  minutes  for  refresh- 
ments—  and  to  enable  any  one  who  is  without  a  trunk  strap 
to  purchase  one,  I  suppose. 

The  excellent  language  used  along  the  line  of  this  road 
really  surprises  one,  and  compensates  for  all  manner  of 
minor  inconveniences.  For  instance,  I  asked  a  man  in  the 
restaurant  what  kind  of  ale  he  had. 

"  Vassar,"  he  replied. 

"  Is  it  made  at  tlie  Young  Ladies'  College  ?  "  I  asked.  "  Is  it 
of  that  brewed  ? " 

"  I  suppose  it  emanates  from  a  family  of  that  name,"  he 
said.  Upon  my  word  he  did.  "  Emanates  "  was  the  word 
he  used  —  and  I  maintain  that  emanates  "  is  good,"  under 
the  circumstances.  And  the  young  ladies  of  this  restaurant 
—  if  they  are  not  graduates  of  Vassar,  they  should  be.  They 
serve  doughnuts  with  a  dainty  grace,  and  you  cat  more  pie 
than  you  ought  to  simply  to  gratify  tliem.  To  have  a  thun- 
dering fit  of  indigestion  for  a  young  woman's  sake  is  a  much 
greater  compliment  than  to  simply  confess  to  a  hcart-aclic  on 


36  VASSAR  FRENCH. 

her  account.  And  they  speak  the  languages  too,  these  young 
ladies  do.  I'm  not  much  in  that  way,  but  I  experimented  a 
little. 

"  De  quoifaits-il  les  souliers  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  You  will  find  the  answer  in  the  book  of  '  Familiar  Con- 
versations in  French,'  where  you  got  that  quotation  from," 
she  replied. 

"  Awl  right ;  go  ahead  !  "  shouted  the  conductor,  and  I  fell 
into  a  train  of  thought  over  the  coincidence,  which  was 
scarcely  broken  until  we  reached  Saratoga — though  passing 
the  various  shops  where  the  Commodore  manufactures  his 
locomotives,  cars,  scrip  dividends,  etc.,  I  could  not  forbear 
wondering  where  he  makes  all  those  trunk  straps.  But  here 
I  am  at  the  end  of  both  the  chapter  and  my  journey. 

P.  S.  —  I  add  a  postscript  to  remark  that  my  trunks  are  all 
right,  but  the  straps  are  broken.  I  shall  telegraph  for  more, 
for  I  cannot  be  happy  without  them,  now  that  I  am  accus- 
tomed to  them,  as  it  were. 


CHAPTER  ly. 

m  WHICH  THE  AUTHOR  RATHER  REGRETS  HAVTNG  BEGUN,  BUT 
GOES  ON  AND  LETS  OUT  WHAT  HE  KNOWS  ABOUT  THE  SARATOGA 
HOTELS. 

FOE,  the  first  time  in  this  attempt  at  book-making,  I  really 
wish  that  I  could  back  out  of  the  business  creditably.  I 
have  never  had  the  small-pox ;  nor  has  it  ever  before  occurred 
to  me  that  it  would  be  a  good  thing  to  have,  but  at  this 
moment  I  would  not  object  to  a  small  pock  or  two.  For  I 
have  an  idea  that  in  such  an  event  I  might  break  my  engage- 
ment honorably.  I  have  known  very  serious  engagements  to 
be  broken  off  by  varioloid, — ^^yery  little  loid,  for  that  matter. 
Indeed,  I  have  known  engagements  to  be  broken  off  when 
there  was  none  at  all,  though  both  parties  were  subsequently 
pitied. 

My  trouble  just  now  is  this.  The  letters  which  I  am  try- 
ing to  compile,  had  considerable  interesting  news  in  them 
when  written,  but  insomuch  as  they  are  now  a  year  or  two 
old,  the  news  is  not  of  absorbing  interest  to  the  present  gen- 
eration. That  news  got  into  them  in  the  first  place  was  no 
fault  of  mine ;  but  the  editor  of  the  Great  Moral  Organ, 
through  whose  columns  I  illuminated  the  country,  wrote 
me,  after  the  reception  of  a  few  letters,  which  might  as  well 
have  been  dated  at  Saragossa  as  Saratoga,  that  I  viust  ])ut  a  few 
facts  in.  1  did  so.  When  facts  were  scarce,  I  made  up  a 
hatful  and  sent  them  on.  At  this  distance  of  time  I  cannot 
for  the  life  of  me  tell  my  facts  from  other  people's,     rermis- 


38  A  SPOILED  JOKE. 

sion  was  given  me  to  introduce  a  few  jokes  by  way  of  vari- 
ety. I  availed  myself  of  that  permission.  But  looking  over 
the  letters  now,  I  cannot  determine  which  are  the  facts  and  which 
are  the  jokes.  Not  more  than  a  minute  ago  I  ran  my  pen 
through  what  seemed  a  rather  stale  item  of  news.  But  on 
coming  to  look  at  it  more  carefully,  I  discovered  that  I 
had,  in  reality,  obliterated  a  splendid  joke  —  a  joke  which  it 
took  me  nearly  a  half  a  day  to  get  up  and  bring  in  hand- 
somely, and  over  which  I  had  laughed  myself  into  convul- 
sions quite  frequently. 

The  dates  of  the  letters  trouble  me,  too.  A  book  intended 
not  for  one  day  only,  but  for  all  time  —  for  the  credit  of  all 
concerned,  in  fact  —  should  not  bear  on  every  page  the 
imprint  of  the  present.  And  I  set  out  with  the  intention  of 
making  these  letters  read  like  a  book.  So  I  shall  slash 
the  dates  out,  and  no  confusion  can  occur  in  consequence,  if 
the  reader  will  only  carry  in  his  mind  from  first  to  last  the 
fact  that  I  reached  Saratoga  about  the  first  of  July,  and 
stayed  there  until  a  board  bill  was  presented.  Now  we'll  to 
the  breeches  once  more,  dear  friends,  and  see  how  far  we  can 
get  our  feet  into  them  before  another  explanation  becomes 

essential. 

"  I  wonder  why  people  don't  come  to  Saratoga  in  June, 
when  the  hotels  are  less  crowded  and  the  thermometer  and 
prices  are  lower  ? " 

We  were  sitting  on  the  broad  piazza,  Mr.  Spriggins  and  I, 
with  our  heels  comfortably  elevated  above  our  heads.     It  was 

I  that  spoke. 

"Keason  enough  why  sot,"  replied  Mr.  Spriggins.  "In 
the  first  place,  nobody  wants  to  come  when  there's  nobody 
here;  everybody  comes  for  the  sake  of  seeing  somebody. 
They  don't  come  to  drink  the  waters,  and  if  they  did  they 
wouldn't  come  in  June  ;  this  filling  one's  self  with  salt  water  is 
bad  enough  with  the  mercury  at  ninety-nine,  but  who  wants  to 
pickle  and  repeat  with  it  down  in  the  sixties  ?  Man  isn't  a  mack- 
erel. The  De  Mulligans  and  Yan  Murphys  don't  come  in 
June  because  the  La  Kourkes  and  Van  O'Tooles  are  not 


A  TALK  WITH  SPRIQQINS.  39 

coming  till  July,  and  the  La  Rourkes  and  Yan  O'Tooles 
don't  come  in  June  because  it  is  understood  that  the  De 
Mulligans  and  Yan  Murphys  won't  be  here  till  July. 

"  The  fact  is,  no  man  with  a  family  could  get  here  earlier 
if  he  wished  to.  There's  Mrs.  Spriggins,  for  instance,  she's 
been  getting  ready  ever  since  Lent,  and  says  she  isn't  fit  to 
be  seen  now.  And  I  don't  think  she  is,  myself — a  woman 
of  her  age  with  all  those  gewgaws  on  ! — a  red  thingumbob 
over  a  yellow  what-d'ye-call-it  and  the  rear  stuck  out — made 
'•luffanty^  she  calls  it — with  a  steel  spring  thingamy. 
We've  been  married  nigh  on  to  thirty  year,  and  I'm  bald  as 
a  cobble-stone,  bald  as  an  asphalt  pavement,  for  that  matter, 
and  you  don't  think  she's  bald  or  nothing  ?  Oh,  no,  I  guess 
not.  Why,  she's  been  fixing  for  Saratoga  these  three  months 
past,  and  I've  chipped  out  enough  to  set  up  a  grocery  store, 
and  when  we  started  yesterday  morning  she  said  she  wasn't 
half  ready  yet,  and  that  I  was  always  hurrying  her,  and  that 
she  had  nothing  to  wear  that  would  take  people  down.  I 
told  her  just  to  wear  it,  then,  and  I  guessed  they'd  be  took 
down  considerably.  Come  here  in  June  ?  A  man  with  a 
wife  at  his  back  couldn't  get  here  in  June  unless  she  started 
to  get  ready  in  January ;  and  then,  with  six  months  at  it,  the 
chances  are  she'd  burst  him  so  he  couldn't  come  at  all." 
And,  biting  his  cigar  viciously,  Mr.  Spriggins  disappeared  in 
the  vicinity  of  the  Ilathorn  Spring,  stopping  to  kick  at  a 
small  boy  who  intercepted  him  with  " '  Saratoga-and-IIow- 
to-See-It,'  for  fifty  cents." 

"  The  idea  of  seeing  Saratoga  for  fifty  cents  ! "  I  heard  him 
mutter,  low  down  in  his  beard. 

Mr.  Spriggins  has  had  several  serious  conversations  with 
me  regarding  his  wife's  extravagance  —  indeed,  married  men 
are  very  apt  to  come  to  me  for  advice  in  that  particular, 
knowing  that  I've  tamed  several  female  "  Cruisers."  I  tell 
him  to  decline  to  pony,  refuse  to  ante,  object  to  pnnglc —  in 
short,  to  put  his  foot  down,  lie  says  he  has  on  several  occa- 
sions, but  it  has  only  ended  in  his  being  obliged  to  put  hia 
baud  down   deeper.     You  see  Spriggins  dabbles  in  stocks, 


40         THE  PENALTY  OP  BACHELORHOOD. 

and  the  spring  "  stringency  "  troubled  him.  But  I've  an  idea 
that  all  complaint  about  any  sui3h  trouble  will  cease  if  he 
surrounds  a  gallon  or  two  of  that  Hathom  water  every 
morning. 

If  Spriggins  but  knew  it  he  is  in  advance  of  "  the  season  " 
by  several  weeks,  even  now.  The  hotels  have  not  begun  to 
fill  up  as  yet,  nor  will  they  until  the  latter  part  of  July. 
Now  you  can  get  good  rooms  without  much  trouble ;  then 
there  will  be  a  scramble  for  even  poor  ones.  Bachelor  gen- 
tlemen, who  now  luxuriate  in  family  suits,  will  then  be  trans- 
lated to  the  sky-parlors,  and  put  on  floors  where  the  ugliness  of 
the  chambermaids  will  be  something  appalling.  This  is  one  of 
the  taxes  imposed  upon  the  luxury  of  bachelorhood.  It  is  with 
a  view  of  evading  the  penalty,  probably,  that  gentlemen 
unprovided  with  wives  of  their  own  come  here  so  frequently 
with  other  people's ;  and  you'd  never  know  the  difference  if 
some  one  didn't  tell  you  about  it.  "Why  some  one  always 
tells  you  I  can't  see,  for  in  most  cases  the  difference  is  not 
worth  mentioning. 

But,  notwithstanding  the  seeming  scarcity  of  guests,  the 
proprietors  of  the  liotels  assure  me  that  they  have  quite  as 
many  as  at  a  corresponding  period  last  year.  I  could  scarcely 
believe  this,  had  1  not  looked  over  the  statistics  and  found  it 
to  be  true  —  not  that  I  doubt  the  veracity  of  landlords  gen- 
erally ;  as  a  race,  they  are  veracious,  and  may  be  relied  on  — 
though  occasionally,  at  rare  intervals,  you  run  across  one 
who  will  lie.  For  instance,  I  have  known  some  of  the  fra- 
ternity to  charge  only  half  as  much  as  they  agreed  to,  and 
give  just  twice  what  they  promised  to ;  but,  as  before 
remarked,  these  instances  are  rare,  and  may  be  considered  the 
exceptions  proving  the  rule  to  the  contrary.  It  is  well, 
however,  to  take  the  statements  of  hotel  men  with  some 
grains  of  allowance,  for  they  are  the  most  hopeful  of  mortals, 
always  seeing  the  future  in  roseate  colors,  and.  the  past  as  it 
might  have  been  rather  than  as  it  was,  never  despairing  until 
the  last  gun  is  fired  and  the  last  guest  gone  off.  However, 
there  will  probably  be  a  rush  for  Saratoga  when  it  leaks  out 


OUR  SARATOGA  FRffiNDS.  41 

that  I  am  here,  and  perhaps,  notwithstanding  that  none  of 
the  old  springs  have  dried  up  and  several  new  ones  have 
been  discovered,  the  summer  will  yet  be  chronicled  as  a  suc- 
cess in  the  records. 

Saratoga  is  emphatically  the  place  of  hotels.  So  near 
together  are  they  that  you  have  a  half  dozen  in  one.  The 
streets  are  but  the  halls  —  there  is  no  such  thing  as  out  doors, 
unless  you  drive  out  of  town.  We  live  on  the  piazzas  rather 
than  in  rooms.  Ladies  meander  about  in  all  directions  with- 
out hats  —  you  might  think  they  had  lost  them,  did  it  not 
occur  to  you  how  much  less  likely  the  dear  creatures  are  to 
lose  their  hats  than  their  heads.  This  freedom  on  all  sides, 
the  general  sans  faopn^  gives  you  a  delightful  home  feeling ; 
you  feel  that  you  are  among  friends,  the  pretty  girls  seem 
your  sisters,  the  ugly  ones,  cousins  —  how  far  removed  you 
don't  care.  The  rich  old  ladies  are  your  aunts  ;  you  forgive 
the  crusty  millionaires  Avlio  stump  around  on  gouty  toes, 
grumbling  at  your  cigar  smoke,  for  not  being  related  to  you, 
and  would  let  them  consider  you  as  one  of  the  family  if  they 
chose  —  anything  to  oblige  them.  Doing  the  society  busi- 
ness becomes  less  irksome  than  it  could  be  under  any  other 
conditions.  Here  are  all  your  friends  within  a  stone's  throw ; 
but  as  one  doesn't  want  to  throw  stones  at  one's  friends,  per- 
haps I  had  better  say  that  your  enemies  are  within  hitting  dis- 
tance if  you  want  to  shy  rocks  at  them.  Making  calls  is  no 
trouble  at  all,  and  you  regret  that  New-Year's  does  not  come 
oflf  while  you're  up  here  —  it  would  be  so  nice,  too,  to  go 
round  drinking  Congress  water  instead  of  wine. 

Much  is  said  of  the  extravagant  charges  at  Saratoga.  On 
the  contrary,  nothing  could  be  more  reasonable,  all  things 
considered.  People  putting  up  here  forget  that  they  really 
"stop"  at  half  a  dozen  hotels,  and  arc  not  expected  to  pay 
any  more  than  if  they  stopped  at  only  two  or  three.  But, 
seriously,  there  is  something  to  be  said  counter  to  the  charge 
of  extravagant  charges.  The  proprietors  of  the  Grand 
Union,  for  instance,  pay  a  rental  of  $70,000  —  and  even  at 
that  rent  the  property  probably  docs  not  pay  a  fair  interest 


42      THE  BOOT-AND-SHOE-FIEND  AT  THE  CONGRESS. 

on  its  value.  The  house  is  only  open  four  months  of  the 
year,  and  of  these  four  months  two  are  a  sort  of  dead  open- 
and-shut  on  the  proprietors,  so  far  as  profit  is  concerned. 
July  and  August  are  really  all  that  the  lessees  have  to  get 
back  their  money  in.  They  make  long  reaches  for  it  in 
those  eight  weeks,  and  do  pretty  well,  taking  the  difficulties 
of  the  case  into  account — but  1  don't  believe  any  one  could 
get  me  to  take  a  hand  at  the  game,  notwithstanding  that  I'm 
not  averse  to  turning  an  honest  penny.  I'd  rather  be  a 
boarder.  Very  much  the  same  may  be  said  of  the  other 
hotels,  I  fancy,  though  I  have  made  no  ^  deep  scrutiny  iato- 
their  mutiny  " — the  fact  is,  I  have  given  up  all  idea  of  going 
into  the  summer-hotel  business.  And  so  far  I  have  not  cir- 
culated around  much,  finding  it  pleasanter  to  sit  in  a  room 
and  write  from  imagination,  than  to  be  out  in  the  rain  with- 
out an  umbrella  gathering  facts. 

In  Congress  Hall,  however,  I  remark  few  changes  since 
the  house  was  re-opened  some  six  years  since ;  the  furniture 
is  about  as  it  was.  I  thought,  though,  that  I  detected  a  new 
spittoon  or  two,  and  a  boot- jack  that  was  not  there  last  year. 
But  one  never  can  be  certain  about  spittoons,  the  "  designs  " 
on  them  change  so  from  day  to  day  —  sometimes  you  think 
it  a  new  one,  and  'tis  only  the  old  one  washed,  and  vice  versa 
—  and  the  boot-jack  I  have  since  learned  belongs  to  a  guest, 
and  was  left  lying  around  inadvertently.  It  may  be  that  he 
set  it  out  to  catch  a  pair  of  boots  that  he  had  lost,  for  a  good 
deal  of  leather  gets  adrift  over  there.  Five  years  ago,  the 
first  year  the  house  was  re-opened,  I  rashly  set  out  a  pair  of 
shoes  in  the  hall  to  be  cleaned.  In  the  morning  they  were 
gone.  Next  night  I  set  out  a  pair  of  boots,  and  in  the  morn- 
ing the  shoes  were  there  and  the  boots  were  gone.  As  I  had 
rather  lose  the  shoes  than  the  boots,  I  next  night  set  out  the 
shoes,  and,  as  a  delicate  intimation  of  my  readiness  for  a 
trade,  also  set  out  a  pair  of  old  slippers.  Next  morning  both 
slippers  and  shoes  were  gone.  I  had  nothing  left  for  bait, 
and  the  proprietor  said  he  was  only  responsible  for  things 
deposited  in  the  safe  at  the  office.     I  always  put  on  my  old- 


THE  OLD  SET  AT  THE  CLARENDON.  43 

est  leathers  now  when  I  go  across  the  way,  apprehensive  that 
the  same  boot-and-shoe  fiend  may  be  about. 

The  Clarendon  is  said  to  have  a  new  parlor-set,  but  look- 
ing into  the  parlors  I  see  the  same  old  set  there  as  well  as  on 
the  piazzas.  There  is  a  quiet  elegance  about  this  house, 
which  commends  it  to  those  who  wish  to  be  in  the  world  and 
yet  not  of  the  world.  The  guests  are  of  the  serene  kind ; 
they  don't  read  newspapers,  or  bother  themselves  about  what 
is  going  on  ten  rods  from  them.  No  noise  is  ever  heard 
at  the  Clarendon ;  attaches  and  visitors  alike  glide  gently 
and  gracefully  around,  the  floors  are  carpeted  six  inches 
deep,  the  children  as  well  as  the  chairs  are  set  on  rollers, 
the  doors  swing  on  well-oiled  hinges — if  the  joints  of 
even  a  guest  creak  he  is  at  once  informed  that  his  room 
is  wanted  but  his  rheumatism  is  not — everything  is  in  the 
minor  key,  except  the  proprietor,  who  is  a  major.  ♦He 
informed  me  last  evening,  while  buckling  on  his  sword 
to  carve  a  large  turkey,  that  he  had  some  idea  of  increas- 
ing the  accommodations  of  his  house  by  leasing  the  ad- 
joining church  for  sleeping  quarters  —  a  purpose  to  which 
it  is  excellently  adapted,  if  one  may  judge  from  the  exhibi- 
tion made  by  the  congregation  on  Sunday.  "With  very  little 
alteration  the  pews  could  be  turned  into  comfortable  cots ; 
and  then  the  pronunciation  of  our  German  friends,  who  call 
their  church-goings  the  "  worship  of  Cot,"  will  be  all  right. 

As  for  the  Grand,  I  have  only  an  outside  acquaintance 
with  that.  There  is  a  terrible  newness  about  it  which  awes 
me.  It  never  seems  to  me  that  a  house  is  finished  till  it  is 
fifteen  or  twenty  years  old.  If  it  be  rebuilt,  that  is  another 
thing.  If  the  Grand  had  turned  up  as  somebody's  water- 
cure,  now,  'twould  have  had  a  raison  d'etre  —  an  assured  posi- 
tion. An  old  name  carries  with  it  a  glamour  of  aristocratic  an- 
tiquity, new  though  the  possessor  of  it  be.  When  the  United 
States  Hotel  gets  well  under  weigh  again  it  won't  seem  born 
of  this  generation  ;  though  beyond  the  name  it  will  have 
nothing  about  it  which  belongs  to  the  old,  save  a  few  traditions. 

The  Grand  Union  has  undergone  some  wonderful  change 


44  HIGH  JINKS  AT  THE  GRAND  UNION. 

every  way.  It  is  now  owned  by  pi  Mr.  A.  T.  Stewart, — a  dry 
goods  merchant  of  New  York  I  believe  —  who  is  rushing 
madly  on  to  beggary  in  its  decoration.  The  parlors  and 
dining-rooms  have  been  newly  frescoed  throughout,  gorgeous 
chandeliers  are  scattered  round  promiscuously,  there  are  sev- 
eral new  wash  stands  and  bureaus  on  the  second  floor,  and, 
unless  my  eye  deceives  me,  a  new  match-safe  has  been  put 
in  my  room  since  last  year.  Over  each  of  the  four  mantels 
in  the  parlor  is  a  frescoed  figure.  These  are  intended  to 
represent  the  four  seasons  —  they  look  like  good  seasons,  and 
I  hope  for  the  sake  of  the  proprietors  that  they  will  prove 
prophetic.  But  the  room  that  pleases  me  best,  and  where  I 
for  this  reason  spend  the  most  time,  is  the  dining-room. 
With  the  shaded  street  on  one  side,  the  leafy  hotel 
grounds  on  the  other,  and  windows  little  more  than  five  feet 
apart,  to  all  intents  and  purposes  you  are  dining  in  the  open 
air.  There  are  no  frescoed  figures  lying  around,  but  I  never 
did  care  much  for  figures  anyway.  Let  me  not  forget  to 
mention  that  besides  all  he  has  done  in  the  parlors,  Mr.  Stew- 
art has  also  had  the  clothes-hooks  in  the  bedrooms  arranged 
60  high  that  a  step-ladder  is  necessary  to  hang  anything  upon 
them  or  get  anything  down.  This  is  rather  inconvenient, 
but  I  suppose  it  is  the  fashion  in  hooks  and  must  be  followed 
—  to  the  ceiling,  if  necessary.  If  you  speak  to  the  proprie- 
tors about  this  they  will  explain  to  you  that  in  the  fall  Mr. 
Stewart  intends  to  pull  down  all  the  old  part  of  the  building, 
and  extend  a  uniform  front,  with  corresponding  piazza,  the 
whole  length  on  Broadway.  Perhaps  this  is  why  he  has  had 
the  hooks  in  the  bedrooms  put  so  high,  though  just  at  pres- 
ent it  is  difiicult  to  see  the  connection  between  the  two  plans. 
But  this  reminds  me  that  my  nightgown  is  hung  up  there — ■ 
Mrs.  Paul  after  calling  for  an  inefiectual  lad,  borrowed  a 
ladder,  for  the  purpose  of  hanging  it  up,  and  as  both  lad 
and  ladder  have  since  been  removed,  I  had  better  be  climb- 
ing if  I  want  to  get  to  bed  to-night. 


WKITTEN  TO  FILL  THE  CHAPTER.  4.5 

"  Chap.  V  begins  on  page  46  ;  Chap.  IV  miist  end  on  page 
45.  Please  write  half  a  page  or  so  more,  to  have  Chap, 
end  on  next  page." 

There  you  have  the  request  that  comes  to  me  on  the  margin 
of  this  proof-sheet  just  received  from  the  printers.  This  is 
the  second  time  that  I  have  been  called  on  to  either  cut  a 
few  lines  off  from  a  chapter  or  write  a  few  more  in,  to  make 
it  end  squarely  on  this  page  or  that.  The  other  time  it  was 
to  lap  page  26  over  on  to  page  27.  !Not  knowing  what  else 
to  do,  I  went  at  it  and  wrote  something  in  about  mummies. 
Mummies  had  nothing  to  do  with  the  rest  of  the  chapter,  but 
that  made  no  difference — I  just  seized  hold  of  them  by  the 
ears  and  dragged  them  in  neck  and  crop,  and  if  you  look 
back  you'll  find  that  they  made  pretty  good  filling.  As  for 
the  printers,  they  don't  care  what  you  send  them  in  such 
cases — they'd  just  as  lief  dump  a  chapter  of  Genesis  into 
this  present  hole  as  anything  else. 

Pretty  work  this  book-making  is  !  I  supposed  that  when 
one  had  compiled  his  compilation  and  sent  it  off  there  was 
an  end  on't.  But  here  I  am,  blundering  on  against  space, 
and  with  no  tape-line  at  hand  to  inform  me  when  there's 
enough  written  to  fill  up  with.  If  this  chapter  still  falls 
short,  I  hereby  authorize  the  printer  to  piece  it  out  with 
some  appropriate  line  from  Dr.  Watts. — 

"  Tis  the  voice  of  the  sluggard  " 

will  do,  in  the  absence  of  anything  more  fitting. 


CHAPTER  V. 

WHICH  MAY  BE  EBGAEDED  MAINLY  AS  A  CONTINUATION  OF  THE 
PRECEDING  ONE,  THOUGH  EMBRACING  A  GREATER  VARIETY  OF 
SUBJECTS,  AND  EMPLOYING  A  MORE  PHILOSOPHIC  STYLE  IN  THE 
TREATMENT  OF  THEM. 

SCARCELY  had  I  finished  writing  the  name  of  Mr.  A.  T. 
Stewart,  when  the  store-keeper  himself  arrived.  The 
news  that  I  was  at  Saratoga  leaked  out  sooner  than  I  thought 
it  could,  and  wealth  always  loves  to  congregate.  I  suppose 
the  Shah  of  Persia  will  come  prancing  along  next.  Con- 
siderable excitement  has  already  been  caused  by  this  proba- 
bility, and  on  hearing  that  he  had  really  got  so  near  as  Lon- 
don, the  young  ladies  at  once  began  overhauling  their  ward- 
robes with  zealous  care,  and  doing  up  their  back-hair  in  most 
extraordinary  fashions — towers  and  minarets  replace  the  plain 
roofs  of  old.  For  since  he  has  shipped  a  thousand  or  so  of 
his  old  wives  home,  there  is  no  telling  what  new  matrimonial 
freak  he  may  take  into  his  head  when  he  slings  his  jeweled 
eyes  over  the  fair  ones  of  this  free  land — at  least,  so  the 
fair  ones  argue.  As  it  is  reported  that  he  insists  on  person- 
ally killing  all  the  chickens  served  at  his  table,  the  hotel 
proprietors  have  determined  that  they  will  allow  him  to  kill 
all  the  chickens  that  are  used  about  their  establishments,  if 
he  will  only  give  them  the  ccHtp  de  grace  down  in  the  kitchen 
and  not  interfere  with  the  cook  while  dinner  is  on  ;  and  they 
have  italicised  the  clause  in  their  printed  "  regulations  "  which 


THE  LONG,  LOI^G  DEY. 


47 


declarefs  that  they  are  not  responsible  for  money  and  jewels 
unless  deposited  at  the  office  for  safe  keeping.  Among  the 
"  help,"  the  story  that  he  gives  a  million  or  two  dollars  to 
be  distributed  among  the  servants  of  every  house  where  he 
puts  up,  causes  the  wildest  anticipation,  and  all  are  busy  with 
pencils  ciphering  out  on  the  back  of  wine-lists  how  much 
this  sum  will  give  to  each  ;  numerous  quarrels  have  already 
occurred  between  the  waiters  and  the  bell-boys  as  to  its  proper 
allotment. 

"  Each  waiter  is  provided  with  a  pencil  and  lists,"  says  a 
foot-note  at  the  bottom  of  the  wine  page  on  the  bill 
of  fare.  How  it  may  be  about  their  being  provided  with 
pencils,  I  do  not  know,  but  that  each  waiter  stands  as  near 
as  he  can  to  the  back  of  your  chair  and  "li8ts"to  what  is  said 
at  the  table,  without  losing  so  much  as  a  whisper,  I  will 
swear ! 

Yesterday  I  spoke  of  "  the  long,  long  Day."  "  Is  he  so 
very  tall,  then  ?  "  asked  one  of  the  ladies,  evidently  thinking 
I  referred  to  the  Shah.  By  the  way,  before  he  really  comes 
over,  I  wish  he  would  send  a  courier  ahead  of  him  to  instruct 
the  uninitiated  public  in  the  proper  pronunciation  of  his 
title.  Some  have  it  "^shaw  ; "  while  others  burst  in  on 
your  meditations  with  "  Shay,"  conveying  the  impression 
that  he  is  but  a  "  one-horse  "  potentate.  However,  whether 
the  Shah  comes  or  not,  Mr.  Stewart  is  here,  (as  he  owns  the 
tavern,  I  suppose  they  don't  charge  him  much  for  board,)  and 
I  shall  ask  him  at  the  first  opportunity  why  he  put  the  clothes- 
hooks  so  high  on  our  bedroom  walls ;  whether  it  was  because  he 
is  interested  in  seeing  dry -goods  well  up.  I  shall  alsoftsk  him  if 
he  considers  it  good  policy  to  put  things  so  high  as  to  be  out 
of  the  popular  reach  altogether. 

Notwithstanding  the  declaration  that  I  have  no  present 
intention  of  keeping  tavern,  do  not  infer  that  I  think  any 
the  less  of  Mr.  Stewart  because  he  owns  one.  But  if  ever 
sufficient  inducements  should  be  offered  me  to  go  into  part- 
nership in  the  hotel  business  by  any  proprietor  who  wishes 
the  moral  support  of  my  name,  I  should  suggest  some  radical 


48  ABOUT  THE  HOTEL  DE  PAUL. 


innovations.  In  the  first  place,  the  gas  fixtures  are  never 
rightly  arranged  in  bedrooms.  They  ought  to  be  placed  at 
the  head  of  the  bed,  where  one  could  read  himself  to  sleep 
blissfully.  It  would  be  a  gorgeous  idea  so  to  arrange  them 
that  you  could  shut  ofE  the  gas  when  good  and  sleepy  with- 
out even  having  to  turn  over.  I  have  sometimes  got  at  this, 
after  a  fashion,  by  lashing  a  lead  pencil  to  the  thing-that- 
turns,  then  tying  a  string  to  each  end  of  the  pencil,  and 
leading  the  strings  over  to  the  bed.  It  is  a  comparatively 
simple  contrivance,  but  it  works  eminently  well  when  the 
thing-that-turns  is  not  too  near  the  wall ;  in  this  case  you 
have  to  cut  the  pencil  in  two,  which,  besides  spoiling  the 
pencil  for  ordinary  use,  does  not  give  you  sufficient  leverage, 
and  the  strings  keep  breaking. 

Then,  instead  of  having  annunciators  or  electric  bells,  oi 
any  such  fooleries  that  are  always  getting  out  of  order,  I'd 
attach  the  wires  directly  to  the  boys  whose  business  it  is  to 
answer  the  bells  —  say  to  a  ring  in  the  nose,  though  this  part 
of  the  invention  is  a  matter  for  mature  elaboration.  By  this 
arrangement,  I  think  one  could  "  annunciate  "  that  something 
was  wanted,  and  bring  an  attendant  to  the  room  with  less 
trouble  than  is  now  involved. 

I  shall  use  less  ice  —  and  use  it  more  gently  in  dumping  it 
on  the  sidewalk  in  the  early  morning,  than  to  wake  all  the 
boarders  up.  Then  I  won't  let  my  cook  attempt  to  play  a 
mutton  chop  with  raisin  sauce  on  my  guests,  for  saddle  of 
venison  with  currant  jelly.  When  an  Independent  Jour- 
nalist orders  calf's  head,  I  will  instruct  cook  and  all  hands  not" 
to  send  him  a  calf's  foot.  He  might  feel  offended;  les 
extremes  se  touchent^  say  the  French ;  this  substitution  sug- 
gests an  attempt  to  prove  the  proverb  practically,  making 
meat  extremes  meet.  Then  I  wouldn't  —  but  why  tell  what 
I  wouldn't  do,  when  'tis  so  much  easier  to  mention  what  I 
would.  Allons.  The  table  expenses  I  would  cut  down 
materially.  Instead  of  the  present  multifarious  bill  of  fare, 
meandering  through  which,  in  the  attempt  to  find  what 
one  wants,  you  get  hopelessly  lost,  I  would  just  give  a  good 


SWEETNESS  WASTED  ON  THE  DESSERT  AIR.  49 

soup  or  two,  some  seasonable  fish  (salt  cod  is  always  in  sea- 
son,) a  joint  or  so,  a  bit  of  game  (when  game  is  cheap),  and  a 
standard  dessert  for  those  given  to  flummeries — /  never 
waste  my  sweetness  on  the  dessert  air. 

Everj'thing  should  be  exquisitely  cooked,  served  smoking 
hot  —  except  the  ice-cream  —  and  from  day  to  day  the  bill 
should  be  varied.  Under  the  present  system  the  polypha- 
gous  personage  surrounds  himself  with  dishes  up  to  the  chin, 
some  of  which  he  smells,  a  few  of  which  he  tastes,  but  the 
majority  of  which  he  sends  away  simply  mussed  a4d  spoiled  "^ 
—  for  a  man  can't  eat  everything  on  the  bill  if  he  has  got  a 
rifirht  to.  The  same  man  and  his  wife  would  order  verv 
diflFerently  where  they  serve  things  a  la  carte  /  if  the  tradi- 
tional idea  of  one  plate  of  ice-cream  with  two  spoons  were 
not  really  carried  out,  an  approach  to  it  would  be  made  by 
ordering  "  one  portion  "  of  each  course  and  making  it  do  for 
both.  Men  of  moderate  stomachs  and  requirements  are  put 
to  immense  and  unfair  expense  by  this  lavish  regime ;  some 
one  has  to  pay  for  it  all,  of  course. 

It  might  correct  the  evil  somewhat  to  have  the  bill  of  fare 
graded  off  in  inches,  charging  so  much  for  eating  down. 
Then  one  would  have  to  pay  only  for  each  inch  he  ate.  And 
depend  on't,  a  good  many  wouldn't  travel  so  far  or  so  fast  as 
they  do  at  present.  For  I  have  seen  the  polyphagous  person 
above  mentioned  amble  into  the  bill  of  fare  and  trot  straight 
through  without  a  single  break.  The  thought  has  occurred 
to  me  that  were  I  a  waiter  and  stationed  at  his  table,  I'd 
say  :— 

"  Oh,  bother  it,  just  take  the  bill  and  cross  off  the  one  or 
two  things  you  don't  want,  and  I'll  bring  you  the  rest.'' 

But  then  I'm  afraid  the  season  wouldn't  find  me  much 
ahead  of  my  regular  "  wage,"  and  perhaps  even  the  prrprie- 
tors  would  not  sufficiently  appreciate  my  devotion  to  their 
interests  to  retain  me  in  place.  At  a  moderate  estimate  you 
will  find  that  the  "  meal  "  which  many  a  man  orders  would 
cost  him  five  dollars  if  he  tried  to  get  away  with  it  at  a  res- 
taurant ;  here  they  get  three  of  them  for  that,  and  a  room 
4. 


50  ABOUT  TRUNK  STRAPS  AND  MONOPOLIES. 

thrown  in  ;  some  one  else  has  to  pay  for  it,  and  they  do  the 
grumbling. 

On  the  whole,  I've  made  up  mj  mind  that  I  shall  put 
prices  up  instead  of  down  when  I  open  the  Hotel  de  Paul. 
It  is  true  that  I  am  interested  slightly  in  the  hotel  at  which 
I  am  staying,  but  not  to  the  extent  that  is  generally  supposed. 
Any  journalist  of  respectability,  or  a  member  of  any  other 
profession  whether  respectable  or  not,  can  come  in  on  the 
same  terms ;  so  I  publish  the  arrangement  for  the  benefit  of 
all.  Listen ;  of  the  three  proprietors  of  the  house,  one 
makes  out  the  bill,  another  lends  me  the  money  to  pay  it, 
and  the  third  stands  behind  the  counter  ready  to  pay  it  back 
the  very  next  minute.  There's  nothing  like  a  connection 
with  the  press  for  helping  a  fellow  along  in  the  world,  and 
occasionally  getting  him  well  licked  ! 

Indeed,  though,  you  would  think  that  guests  were  per- 
sonally concerned  in  the  success  of  their  respective  hotels, 
did  you  see  the  interest  they  take  in  them ;  each  makes  his 
hotel's  cause  his  own  and  fights  its  battles,  rendering  runners 
unnecessary.  Something  the  same  spirit  is  gotten  up  when 
steamboats  are  racing,  and  passengers  stand  by  to  pass  barrels 
of  pitch  down  to  the  furnace  rooms,  willing  to  be  blown  up 
so  only  their  boat  gets  in  ahead.  This  opposition  here  is  a 
good  thing,  and  strangles  monopolies. 

I  hate  monopolies ;  what  they  can't  steal  they'll  cheat  you 
out  of,  selling  trunk  straps,  perhaps.  And  I  hate  boarding- 
houses,  (whether  private  or  public)  more  than  I  do  monopo- 
lies. It  amuses  me  to  hear  persons  say,  when  asked  where 
they're  "  stopping : " — 

"Oh,  I  came  here  for  quiet  and  retirement;  I'm  at  a 
private  boarding-house." 

Now  there  is  no  place  in  the  world  where  one  can  be  so 
quiet  and  retired,  if  he  wishes  to,  as  at  a  large  hotel.  You 
are  not  obliged  to  know  any  one,  not  even  the  proprietors, — 
unless  you  break  the  furniture.  And  no  one  is  obliged  to 
know  you,  and,  unless  you  are  extraordinarily  handsome  and 
prepossessing,  as  is  unfortunately  the  case  with  me,  no  one  cares 


WAYLAID  ON  THE  STAIUS. 


PERILS  OF  A  BOAEDLKG-HOUSE.  51 

to.  No  one  attempts  to  beguile  you  into  conversation  unless 
you  put  yourself  squarely  in  the  way  of  being  beguiled ;  to 
your  silent  meal  you  sit  you  down,  and,  if  you  are  a  clergy- 
man, select  your  text  with  your  soap,  finish  the  first  head  of 
your  sermon  before  you  come  to  the  tail  of  your  trout,  and 
slide  gently  along  to  the  nuts  and  raisins — I  mean  to  the 
final  benediction — without  a  solitary  interruption.  Like  a 
shadow  you  come,  if  you  like,  and  so  depart — whether  you 
like  it  or  not,  for  the  waters  are  not  fattening. 

At  a  private  house,  on  the  contrary,  you  must  be  intro- 
duced to  the  landlady  in  the  first  instance,  and  she  thinks  it 
her  hospitable  duty  to  introduce  you  to  every  one  else  in  the 
house.  If  you  don't  say  much  in  the  parlor,  simply  because 
you  have  nothing  to  say,  she  thinks  you  are  bashful,  and 
sooner  than  see  you  suffer  in  that  way  wades  resolutely  in  to 
draw  you  out.  It  is  idle  to  attempt  to  hide  your  head  under 
monosyllabic  replies  ;  she  will  snake  you  out  from  behind  the 
thin  shelter  of  a  "  no  "  or  "  yes,"  and  resolutely  expose  you  to 
the  whole  roomful  in  your  naked  deformity  of  thought. 

If  you  evade  the  parlor  and  slide  surreptitiously  up-stairs 
or  out  into  the  wood-shed,  she  will  avail  herself  of  your 
absence  to  go  whispering  round  to  all  the  wry-necked  maiden 
boarders  who  read  poetry  and  the  stiff-necked  old  gentlemen 
who  eat  hash  and  talk  theology,  that  you're  a  very  agreeable  and 
entertaining  person  if  they  can  only  "  get  at  you  " — make  your 
acquaintance  she  means — and  then  they  straightway  go  to 
"getting  at"  you.  They  waylay  you  on  the  stairs,  particu- 
larly at  the  crooked  sections  where  banisters  are  weak 
and  speed  is  dangerous,  to  ask  if  you  have  read  "  Sorrows  of 
a  Sensitive  Soul,"  by  Letitia  Lollipop,  and  what  you  think  of 
Pcre  Ilyacinthc's  marrying  a  widow,  and  whether  tliat  mar- 
riage throws  any  light  on  the  interesting  question.  Will  Salt 
Peter  Explode? — dimly  connecting  it  with  St.  Peter,  pre- 
haps.  And  by  and  by  they  contrive  to  branch  off  on  Foreign 
Missions,  the  Oecumenical  Council,  or  something  else  wliich 
they  deem  of  cheerful  and  current  interest  to  you,  aud  which 
you  know  nothing  at  all  about. 


52  SCRAPING  ACQUAINTANCE. 

Then  at  the  table  you  are  expected  to  be  pleasant  and 
sociable  and  make  yourself  agreeable,  and  to  tell  all  the  other 
boarders  about  yourself  and  your  friends  and  your  family ; 
and  some  invariable  old  wretch  will  immediately  remember 
that  at  some  remote  period  of  his  life  he  has  met  some  per- 
son from  your  "  part  of  the  country  ; "  and  if  you  cannot 
instantly  recall  that  person  and  prove  yourself  familiar  with 
all  liis  habits  and  peculiarities,  what  church  he  attends,  and 
which  eye  he  has  a  cast  in,  you  are  looked  upon  as  a  possible 
impostor,  and  the  suspicion  gets  abroad  that  you  do  not  come 
from  your  "  part  of  the  country  "  at  all. 

If  anything  goes  wrong  about  the  house  —  of  course  noth- 
ing is  ever  cooked  right,  but  if  anything  out  of  the  usual  order 
breaks  loose,  I  mean  ;  if  the  steel  springs  of  your  mattress, 
for  instance,  in  their  constant  risings  against  oppression, 
finally  show  their  rebellious  heads  through  the  upper  crust  of 
cotton,  and  rake  your  back  to  the  extent  that  your  dreams 
are  harrowing  ones,  indeed ;  if  your  pillows,  thin  at  first, 
become  daily  more  attenuated  until  their  relative  thickness 
may  be  expressed  by  the  equation,  2  pillows -f  your  valise  = 
1  pancake  —  no  matter,  in  short,  what  cause  of  complaint 
may  come  upon  you,  you  cannot  speak  about  it  mildly  and 
gently  without  ''  hurting  the  feelings  "  of  "  the  lady  of  the 
liouse,"  nine  times  in  ten  the  refined  relative  of  some  aristo- 
cratic family  of  princely  potentates  or  potwallopers,  who 
only  "  takes  boarders  "  to  till  up  her  big  house  —  which  she 
never  could  a-bear  —  and  to  have  friends  round  her.  One 
doesn't  like  to  stand  forth  glaringly  in  this  microcosm,  illu- 
minated by  the  blue-lights  of  feminine  vituperation,  as  a 
brute,  when  in  reality  he  is  only  a  boarder  !  Oh,  I've  been 
til  ere,  you  see.  I  know  all  about  it,  and  am  quite  content  to 
stand  my  hand  on  a  hotel. 

lu  a  hotel,  if  the  remotest  part  of  the  machinery  do*hiot 
run  to  suit  you,  if  the  whisk  of  a  chambermaid's  broom  or 
even  the  buzz  of  a  fly  annoy5you,  you  can  agitate  things  in 
the  abstract,  and  raise  a  dust  generally.  The  landlord  is  not 
a  ti-embling  moss-rose,  too  tender  and  sensitive  for  the  rude  . 


HOW  TO  RAISE  A  BREEZE.  53 

winds  of  heaven  to  blow  npon,  or  for  yon  of  earth  to  "  blow 
up."  It  has  never  occurred  to  him  that  he  conferred  a  favor 
by  sticking  you  up  in  an  attic  and  giving  you  a  banana  on 
Sundays  in  addition  to  the  regular  weekly  dessert ;  you  can 
''jaw"  him  without  hurting  his  feelings  one  bit,  for  he  will 
immediately  turn  round  and  give  some  one  else  under  him 
"fits"  —  thinking  it  "more  blessed  to  give  than  to  receive" 
in  the  matter  of  fits,  perhaps.  And  the  "  domestics  "  are 
always  good,  stout  darkies,  who  know  that  they  deserve 
abuse  at  all  hours  of  the  day,  and  in  this  guilty  knowledge 
are  only  too  happy  if,  in  the  whirlwind  of  your  wrath,  a 
shower  of  boot-jacks  and  things  do^ot  descend  upon  them. 
But  I'm  out  of  breath  with  my  subject.  Enough  to  say 
that  I  have  Hved,  I  have  boarded,  and  I  have  suffered. 


/^S.i^.^^ 


CHAPTER  VL 

WHICH  IS  WHOLLY  DEVOTED  TO  A  DEFENCE  OF  THE  JEWS, 
BECAUSE  THEY  WERE  PITCHED  INTO  BY  A  MAN  PUTTING  HP 
AT   ONE   OF   THE   OTHER    HOTELS. 

^^T/'OUVE  got  all  the  'Jews'  over  with  you,"  said  a  gen- 
A.    tleman  from  one  of  the  other  hotels  to  me  last  even- 
iDg ;  "  they  shut  down  on  them  over  at  our  house ;  won't  have 
'em." 

I  like  that ;  proscription  of  all  kinds  is  good.  I  like  to 
hear  one  man  say  that  he  hates  an  Englishman,  and  another 
that  he  can't  stand  an  Irishman.  For  it  shows  that  they 
have  not  yet  ceased  to  grow  ;  each  has  something  further  in 
life  to  look  forward  to.  If  they  live  long  enough  they  will 
come  to  the  conclusion  arrived  at  by  the  great  French  trav- 
eler, who  declared  that  after  visiting  every  part  of  the  known 
world,  he  had  made  up  his  mind  that  it  was  inhabited  chiefly 
by  men  and  women.  But  religious  proscription  is  especially 
pleasing  to  the  naked  eye.  So  far  as  business  dealing  is  con- 
cerned, an  officer  of  one  of  our  most  prominent  banks  to 
whom  I  repeated  the  observation,  remarked  that,  of  all  the 
men  who  had  dealings  with  his  bank,  he  found  "  Jews  "  the 
most  honest,  the  most  faithful  in  the  performance  of  the 
very  spirit  of  their  contracts,  the  most  trustworthy  in  all 
money  transactions.  And  is  it  not  so  ?  Among  the  paupers 
who  fill  our  streets  and  our  asylums,  our  hospitals  and  our 
jails,  do  you  find  a  "  Jew  ? "  They  feed  their  own  poor,  and 
they  take  care  of  their  own  sick.  Like  the  best  modern 
engines,  they  consume  their  own  smoke  and  rubbish. 


THE  POETRY  OF  THE  JEWISH  CHAEACTER.        55 

But,  aside  from  these  material  facts,  there  is  a  poetry  and 
a  grandness  about  the  Jewish  cliaracter  which  has  always 
moved  me  to  reverence.  A  nation  without  a  country,  a  peo- 
ple without  a  home,  flowing  through  and  penetrating  all 
nations,  yet  not  commingling  with  a  single  one  ;  preserving 
all  their  individualities,  their  religion,  their  language,  their 
customs  intact ;  the  same  now  as  when,  led  by  the  pillar  of 
cloud  by  day  and  the  pillar  of  fire  by  night,  they  went  dry-shod 
through  the  cloven  sea,  and  encamped  in  the  wilderness 
beneath  the  same  stars  which  now  stud  the  heavens.  Show 
me  a  people  like  this'in  all  history;  a  people  around  whom 
all  the  grand  poetry  of  the  liibTe  clusters ;  a  people  rich  in 
tradition  beyond  all  precedent,  who  have  yet  preserved  the 
minutest  of  those  traditions,  while  dynasty  after  dynasty  has 
crumbled  around  them  and  nation  after  nation  has  faded 
from  off  the  face  of  the  earth ;  a  people  who  have  clung  to 
the  faith  of  their  fathers,  to  the  one  God  whom  their  fathers 
worshipped,  asking  no  change  and  seeking  no  change,  while 
creed  after  creed  has  had  its  day,  and  decay  and  incessant  w^ars 
over  doctrinal  points  have  desolated  empires  ! 

Against  their  virtues  of  to-day  there  may  be  a  little  offset 
in  the  mistaken  election  made  by  the  Jewish  populace  thou- 
sands of  years  ago ;  but  do  we  in  this  later  day  and  genera- 
tion never  crucify  our  Christii  ? 

My  sympathies  in  the  play,  let  me  confess,  have  always 
been  with  Shylock.  Houseless  and  homeless,  spoiled  of  his 
wealth  and  robbed  of  his  daughter,  he  is  driven  out  in  his  old 
age  to  childless  penury  —  and  for  what?  Insulted  and  spat 
upon,  his  religion  reviled  and  his  house  dishonored,  he  took 
no  revenge  in  cowardly  murder  after  the  Christian  pattern ; 
he  sought  but  the  fulfillment  of  a  contract  the  terms  of 
which  he  had  complied  with,  and  M-ould  have  complied  with, 
probably,  liad  positions  been  reversed.  Would  not  Shylock, 
think  you,  have  bared  his  breast  to  the  knife  in  fulfillment 
of  his  bond  wiihout  the  6j)iritless  fuss  that  Antonio  made 
about  it  "i  Such  is  Jewish  faith  ;  depend  upon  it,  the  desj)ised 
Jew  would  not  have  sheltered  himself  from  the  fulfillment 

Vv-i    /V^^-Wwii  v-v>r    \/Vm^   O-C^UvJ,  A^W^w(^  /CCt^"-^   . 


56  WHAT  I  CAN  DO  IF  I  TRY. 

of  a  bargain  which  he  himself  sought,  under  the  quibble 
about  a  drop  of  blood. 

"Won't  have  Jews  !"  you  fool.  Talk  about  "the  best  society 
of  New  York,"  you  do  not  know  what  it  is  until  you  have 
mingled  with  Jews,  gone  among  the  Rabbis,  sat  at  their  feet, 
and,  in  admiration  of  manners  and  learning  w^hich  pass  all 
your  previous  experience,  of  a  gracious  gentleness  which 
makes  the  toleration  afforded  you  by  any  other  sect  seem 
boorish  rudeness,  recognized  a  "  society  "  to  which  you  can 
never  hope  permanently  to  attain,  a  courtesy  which  comes  of 
the  scholarship  and  culture  of  thousands  of  years. — "  "Won't 
have  Jews,"  indeed ! 

There,  perhaps  you  think  fine  needlework  of  that  kind  is  a 
trouble  to  me !  Not  at  all ;  I  can  do  it  just  as  easy  as  roll 
off  a  log.  If  I  don't  do  it  every  day  in  the  week,  it  is  only 
because  one  must  occasionally  stop  to  get  in  his  family  wood 
and  coal.  The  last  sentence  was  rather  rough  on  me,  it 
strung  itself  out  and  rattled  so.  But  after  you  once  get  into 
a  scrape  of  that  kind,  you're  like  an  eel  in  a  set  of  sluice 
boxes;  there's  no  backing  out, you've  got  to  keep  digging 
ahead.  And  I  think  I  got  through  creditably.  It  may  be 
that  I  can't  write  so  as  to  please  all  denominations,  but  give 
me  room  for  it  and  see  if  I  can't  tickle  the  bulk  of  them. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

WHICH  MUST  NOT  BE  SKIPPED  BY  ANT  ONE  WISHING  TO  HAVE 
VERY  INDEFINITE  IDEAS  ABOUT  WHAT  TO  DKINK,  WHEN  TO 
DRINK,    AND   WHAT   THE   CONGRESS    SPRING  GROUNDS  CONTAIN. 

SARATOGA  is  a  very  pretty  little  village,  and  thriving,  in 
spite  of  its  springs.  It  is  not  compulsory  on  either  visitors 
or  residents  to  drink  the  waters,  though  the  hotel  men  try  to 
force  it  on  them  by  advancing  the  price  of  drinks,  both  plain 
and  mixed,  to  about  double  New  York  rates  —  this  I  state 
upon  hearsay,  only— bat  it  is  noticeable  that  most  people 
stand  the  tariff  and  do  not  adopt  the  alternative  or  alterative. 
Do  not  understand  me  as  designedly  casting  reproach  upon 
these  waters  ;  far  be  it  from  me  even  to  attempt  to  prejudice 
any  one  against  a  beverage  which,  in  addition  to  being  inex- 
pensive, has  performed  sofne  of  the  most  remarkable  cures  on 
record  — among  which  may  be  mentioned  the  curing  of  hams 
which  were  found  incurable  by  any  other  process ;  perish 
my  pen  first,  sooner  let  this  page  wither  and  the  ink  fountain 
dry  up ! 

But  I  must  honestly  confess  that  I  prefer  claret  with  my 
meals,  to  these  waters,  and  I  have  tried  them  all,  faithfully. 
I  have  drunk  them  at  all  hours  and  under  all  conditions  ;  on 
going  to  bed  at  night  and  on  getting  up  in  the  morning ;  I 
have  even  got  up  in  the  night  to  drink  them,  for  whatever  is 
worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing  well.  I  have  drunk  them 
before  meals,  at  meals,  and  after,  when  people  advised  me  to 
drink  thcui  and  when  they  didn't ;  in  the  few  days  that  I've 
been  here  I  have  actually  drunk  enough  of  the  water  to  run 


58  THE  AUTHOR  GETS  OUT  OF  HUMOR. 

a  grist  mill  —  at  any  rate  sufficient  to  afford  excellent  dam- 
ming facilities.  You  could  hear  the  wheels  of  my  vitality 
within  me  humming  and  whirring  ominously,  like  the  over- 
wrought works  of  some  busy  manufactory. 

And  what  the  result  ?  On  attempting  to  retire  within 
myself,  as  is  my  custom  when  surrounded  by  a  light,  frivo- 
lous crowd,  I  get  nearly  drowned.  I  am  but  the  shadow  of 
myself,  save  when  ballooned  out  —  "  got  up  houffante,^^  as 
the  women  say  —  by  this  portentous  imbibition,  and  then  I 
am  merely  a  dropsical  delusion.  I  creep  feebly  about,  and 
interchange  weak  jokes  with  valetudinarians.  Do  you  com- 
plain that  there  is  no  humor  in  these  letters  ?  There  is  no 
humor  left  in  me,  not  a  single  humor.  I  feel  myself  on  the 
brink  of  sad  poetry,  just  trembling  on  the  verge  of  inflated 
prose.  I  now  understand  how  "  Warwick  "  was  wrought ; 
how  "Hotspur"  happened.  "Beulah,"  "Macaria,"  "St. 
Elmo  " —  all  were  written  while  the  authoress  was  sojourning 
at  a  mineral  spring.  And  they  were  pubHshed  by  a  pub- 
lisher who  in  addition  to  spending  his  summers  at  Saratoga, 
patronizes  an  artificial  Spa  all  the  winter  through.  "Who  else 
would  have  done  it  ? 

As  nearly  as  I  can  reckon  it  is  forty  years,  one  month,  two 
weeks,  and  three  days,  since  I  first  visited  Saratoga.  Before 
I  had  drunk  more  than  a  gallon  of  the  water,  the  following 
verses  appeared  over  my  signature  in  one  of  the  illustrated 
papers.     Over  my  signature,  understand  : — 

QUITS. 

She  is  dead !  and  they  say  for  her  fame 

It  was  barely  in  time  that  she  died : 
Better  thus — she  could  never  brook  shame; 

For  oh  1  she  had  terrible  pride. 

Sure  the  path  to  the  grave  was  soon  trod — 

She  is  resting,  and  so  let  it  be ; 
But  why  do  the  gossips  all  nod 

And  point  with  their  fingers  at  me? 

That  a  sin  is  not  buried,  they  tell, 

Though  the  sexton  dig  deep  as  he  can; 
Perhaps  it  was  murder ;  ah  !  well, 

Let  God  be  my  judg©    not  man. 


SAD  EFFECTS  OF  TAKING  A  DRINK.  59 

For  she  mocked  me  at  first  when  I  came 

To  fling  a  young  heart  at  her  feet, 
And  she  spurned  me  because  of  a  shame 

That  was  done  ere  my  pulses  had  beat. 

Her  birth,  so  she  said,  had  no  stain — 

She  was  one  of    a    noble  old  line, 
And  the  blood  that  flowed  red  in  her  veins 

Could  not  mingle  with  current  like  mine. 

On  the  world's  brow  I  wrote  me  a  name, 
Fair  cheeks  flushed  with  pride  at  my  tread ; 

Then  I  wooed  her  with  gold  and  with  fame — 
I  wooed,  but  I  wooed  not  to  wed. 

I  remember  her  speech — it  was  fine ; 

That  the  house  of  her  sire  had  no  stain ; 
By  my  faith,  of  that  same  noble  line 

That  boast  will  be  made  not  again ! 

It  was  murder  ?     Well,  well,   let  it  rest ; 

I  will  answer  myself  for  the  deed; 
All  tears  are  weak  brine  at  the  best. 

And  prayer  serves  all  knaves  in  their  need. 

Vex  me  not  shaven  priest,  stand  apart ! 

Dole  thy  tedious  texts  out  to  fools ; 
For  I  swear  there  is  that  in  my  heart 

Just  now  that  would  puzzle  the  schools. 

Of  your  Future  I  reck  not  a  toss — 

Earth  has  torments  that  Hell  can  not  give  ! 

There's  a  grave  where  the  four  roads  cross — 
She  is  dead,  and  I— I  ? — I  live ! 

Kow  the  plain  truth  of  it  is,  I  have  never  done  any  of  the 
things  darkly  hinted  at  above.  And  you  could  not  persuade 
me  to  make  myself  ridiculous  for  any  reasonable  considera- 
tion. In  my  younger  days  I  never  wore  my  hair  long  and 
went  around  with  a  dirty  shirt-collar  rolled  down  to  my  heels, 
cursing  Fate  and  consideriTig  myself  a  misused  individual, 
after  the  pattern  of  the  young  man  of  the  poem.  At  this 
writing,  a  quiet  family  man,  I  look  back  and  wonder  how  I 
could  ever  have  printed  such  diabolical  versos  over  the  apos- 
tolic name  given  me  at  baptism.  'Twas  these  waters  did  it — 
nothing  else,  ]>elieve  me. 

liut,  as  I  was  remarking,  than  drenching  the  stomach  after 
the  fashion  practiced  here,  I  can  imagine  no  dissipation  moro 


60  A  DIP  INTO  ASTRONOMY. 

hurtful ;  it  seems  to  me  that  it  must  be  akin  to  the  vice  of 
"  crib-biting "  in  the  equine  race,  and  analagous  in  effect. 
Tupper  confesses  to  have  caught  the  bubble-and-squeak  of 
his  inspiration  at  a  German  Spa.  Certainly,  had  it  been 
intended  in  the  economy  of  nature  that  man  should  assume 
the  functions  of  a  white-oak  barrel  he  would  have  been 
furnished  with  a  funnel  in  lieu  of  a  mouth ;  no  ingenious 
etop-valve  would  have  been  set  in  the  human  throat. 

On  getting  up  in  the  morning  there  is  a  general  stampede 
for  the  springs,  where  the  constellations  of  the  Dippers,  "  who 
receive  no  other  pay  than  the  gratuities  given  by  guests ; " 
reign  in  the  ascendant  until  high  noon.  These  Dippers — 
Great  and  Little — are  kept  actively  employed ;  and  little 
courtesy  is  shown  by  one  guest  in  the  matter  of  helping 
another — none  seems  inclined  to  risk  the  incurrence  of  a 
curse  by  putting  a  glass  to  his  neighbor's  lips ;  suum  cuique 
is  plainly  the  rule — each  goes  for  his  own. 

Inside  of  Congress  Spring  grounds  the  Empire  Spring  is 
located.  Both  belong  to  the  same  company,  which  gives 
them  a  double  shot  at  you  ;  if  one  barrel  doesn't  fetch  you 
they're  pretty  certain  to  get  you  with  the  other.  Between 
the  saline  horrors  of  the  Congress  Spring,  and  the  iron 
terrors  of  the  Empire,  you  find  yourself  sadly  puzzled  to 
choose.  A  tumbler-full  of  the  first,  if  allowed  to  stand  for 
a  minute  or  two,  precipitates  saltpetre  and  potash  in  about 
equal  proportions.  It  is  called  Congress  Water,  because 
drinking  it  has  an  unpleasant  effect  upon  the  system,  similar 
to  that  produced  by  reading  Congress  speeches, — except 
that  the  water  has  good  moral  tendencies,  and  does  not  unfit 
one  for  practicing  the  social  amenities  of  life.  In  getting  up 
the  Empire  Waters,  Nature,  by  some  powers  known  only  to 
herself,  dissolved  all  the  old  bombshells  that  lay  on  the 
battle  ground,  and  thus  produced  a  semi-sulphurous  ferrugi- 
nous compound,  which  has  passed  into  great  repute  as 
a  remedial  agent.  Think  of  that !  A  steady  course  of 
drinking  would  soon  deposit  the  ferruginous  element,  and 
delicately  line  your  stomach  with  sheet-iron.  Your  body 
would  become  an  animate  foundry ;    brads,  and  small  tacks 


STORY  OF  A  PRETTY  LITTLE  DEAR.  Ql 

would  exude  from  the  pores  of  your  skin,  and  your  nails 
•would  elongate  and  resolve  themselves  into  ten-pennies. 
"Wouldn't  this  make  you  liable  to  indictment  as  a  forger  ? 

Having  filled  one's  self  to  the  top  of  the  throat,  it  is  then 
the  exact  Stilton  to  go  staving  round  the  Congress  Spring 
grounds  two  or  three  times,  like  a  quarter-horse.  And  then 
to  breakfast — with  what  appetite  you  may ! 

The  main  points  of  interest  about  the  Congress  Spring 
grounds — owned  in  fee  simple  by  my  friend  Col.  Johnson — 
are  the  deer  and  the  statuary.  The  deer  are  the  most  human 
deer  that  ever  trotted  on  four  feet.  It  may  be  that  they 
have  picked  up  human  habits  from  constant  association  with 
the  race,  for  they  were  born  and  bred  where  they  now  are. 
As  instance  in  point,  visitors  very  frequently  bring  down 
cakes  and  candy  to  feed  them.  So  tame  are  they  that  they 
will  eat  from  the  hand.  My  little  girl,  Paulina,  had  taken  a 
great  fancy  to  one  of  the  younger  deer.  The  proprietor 
had  told  her  that  she  could  call  it  hers.  She  brought  it 
delicacies  daily,  until  the  deer  gazelle  had  come  to  know  and 
love  her  well,  and  cheer  her — not  being  able  to  articulate  a 
human  hurrah — with  its  soft  black  eye.  But  one  morning 
it  so  happened  that  she  had  no  cakes  with  her.  However, 
she  called  the  deer,  and  he  came  to  her  as  usual. 

"  Dear  Deer,  pretty  little  Dear,"  she  said,  fondly  caress- 
ing his  black  muzzle.     "  See,  papa,  how  he  loves  me  !  " 

But  the  gentle  creature  had  by  this  found  out  that  she  had 
nothing  for  him  to  eat,  and  on  the  heels  of  this  discovery 
struck  out  at  her  with  one  of  his  fore  feet  as  spitefully  as — 
well,  as  a  human  creature,  a  prize-figliter,  say,  could  have 
done.  Now  the  little  girl  has  a  soft  black  eye,  too  ;  blacker 
by  far  than  the  deer's  ! 

Perhaps  you  think  there  was  no  human  nature  about  that 
demonstration.  Listen.  Some  years  ago  a  wooden-legged 
cripple  stood  on  a  certain  corner,  where  mau}-^  men  were 
accustomed  to  pass.  'Twas  a  good  stand  for  business,  and 
lie  was  a  popular  cripple,  so  he  soon  retired  on  a  competence. 
Among  liis  patrons  was  one  old  gentleman  who  never 
passed  without  giving  him  a  penny — regularly  dropped  that 


62  THE  DEFRAUDED  CRIPPLE. 

penny  in  the  cripple's  hat,  and  gently  as  'twere  due  from 
Heaven.  But  one  morning  it  so  happened  that  the  old  gentle- 
man had  no  penny ;  apologizing  for  the  omission,  he  was  passing 
on,  with  a  kind  word  and  smile.  Until  this  eventful  day,  under- 
stand, the  cripple  had  spoken  no  word  of  gratitude ;  he 
never  told  his  love,  so  to  speak — but  now,  mark  you,  he 
found  a  tongue.  Flinging  enough  "  bad  cesses "  after  the 
good  old  gentleman  to  till  a  cess-pool,  he  unstrapped  his 
wooden  leg,  dropped  his  real  one  to  the  ground,  and  indig- 
nantly stalked  away.  And,  to  his  thinking,  he  had  the  right 
of  it ;  he  felt  himself  cheated  and  defrauded  of  his  just  due, 
he  had  come  to  regard  what  was  bestowed  upon  him  in 
charity  as  his  right — all  because  it  was  given  to  him  unos- 
tentatiously and  regularly. 

Take  warning,  O  givers,  and  give  not  as  the  fool  giveth, 
without  parade  and  show,  but  rather  grind  your  gift  in,  as  it 
were ;  so  shall  he  who  receives  come  to  understand  that  it  is 
charity,  and  in  that  understanding  never  shall  his  gratitude 
be  lacking.  For,  after  all,  the  cripple  whose  story  I  have 
narrated,  was  human  in  his  way  of  viewing  things. 

It  may  be  that  you  doubt  the  story.  Ah,  then,  let  me 
convince  you.  I  stood  on  the  corner — I  was  that  cripple 
myself ! 


KAMBLES  IN  CONGRF.SS  SPRING  GROUNDS. 


CHAPTER  yill. 

m  WHTCH  TTTE  K'FAD'RK  IS  LED  TO  THE  END  OF  THE  CONGRESS 
SPRING  GROUNDS,  THROUGH  THE  INDIAN  ENCAMPMENT,  AND 
LANDED  IN  A  MARBLE  QUARRY. 

IT  is  strenuously  enjoined  upon  the  visitor  to  "  the 
Grounds"  that  he  do  not  "touch  the  statuary."  Little 
need  there  seems  to  me  of  the  injunction,  for  there  is  no  visible 
temptation  to  touch  it.  One  could  be  no  happier  after 
touching  it  than  before.  Nor  can  I  learn  that  there  has  ever 
been  any  attempt  to  ravish  these  works  of  art  from  their 
pedestals  for  the  adornment  of  any  galler}-,  private  or  public, 
in  any  portion  of  the  country.  And  if  no  attempt  was 
made  in  early  days,  surely  there  is  little  danger  of  their 
ravishment  now,  for  the  noses  are  mostly  crumbled  away, 
and  the  champion  Venus  of  the  collection  is  scarred  and 
seamed  by  the  ravening  tooth  of  time  as  though  she  stood  to 
represent  a  case  of  confluent  small-pox.  Yet  a  special 
policeman  mounts  guard  over  them,  and  to  the  Colonel's 
heart  they  arc  dear — more  than  deer,  in  fact.  He  spends 
nearly  all  his  Sundays  in  admiration  of  them,  walking  round 
them  critically,  sawing  his  head  from  side  to  side  for  a  better 
view,  as  connoisseurs  do  at  Schaus's  and  Goupil's,  phuttiiig 
out  portions  of  the  figures  with  his  hand,  and  slowly  stc])- 
ping  back  to  mark  the  effect  with  lialf-closed  eyes — sometimes 
tmnbling  backward  down  the  hill  in  his  art  absorjition. 

The   only    way   to   got  an   agreeable    effect  in   looking  at 
statuary,  he  says,  is  by  half  closing  the  eyes.     iJut  he's  only 


64:  WE  VISIT  THE  POOR  INDIAN. 

half  right  about  that ;  of  some  statuary  one  gets  a  more 
agreeable  effect  and  carries  away  a  more  pleasant  impression 
by  closing  the  eyes  altogether.  I  have  tried  to  prevail  upon 
my  friend  the  Colonel  to  cart  these  dilapidated  gods  and 
goddesses  away,  and  replace  them  by  subjects  more  germane 
to  the  place.  Lot's  wife  would  be  in  keeping,  I  tell  him :  a 
kit  of  mackerel ;  anything   suggestive  of  salineness  will  do. 

After  an  horn*  in  the  inexpensive  pleasure  of  loafing  through 
the  Congress  Spring  grounds,  a  walk  to  and  through  the  In- 
dian village  will  be  productive  of  profit.  The  sight  will 
convince  you  that  Cooper  never  saw  an  Indian  in  his  life, 
and  the  smell  will  effectively  do  away  with  any  innocent  ad- 
miration you  may  have  ever  entertained  for  the  simplicity  of 
aboriginal  life.  Mingled  with  the  red-men,  and  selling  spring- 
less  bows  and  crooked  arrows,  you  will  see  great,  lazy  white 
losels,  who  would  look  extremely  well  with  the  strings  of 
their  own  bows  tied  tightly  around  their  own  necks  in  any- 
thing but  a  "  bow  knot."  By  paying  the  small  sum  of  ten 
cents  you  will  also  be  enabled  to  see  a  calf  with  two  heads, 
and  two  distinct  mouths,  with  each  of  which  he  eats  at  the 
same  time.  And  if  you  are  of  a  thoughtful,  reflective,  and 
grateful  turn  of  mind,  the  same  idea  will  occur  to  you  that 
occurred  to  me,  and  you  will  bless  Heaven  that  it  did  not 
endow  the  calf,  who  sits  opposite  to  you  at  the  dinner-table, 
with  two  heads  and  two  distinct  mouths,  with  each  of  which 
he  could  eat  at  the  same  time.  For  in  that  event  you  would 
■  go  hungry,  and  the  proprietors  of  the  hotel  would  lose  a 
great  amount  of  money. 

There  is  a  most  melancholy  looking  squaw  in  the  new  en- 
campment, who  will  sell  you  baskets  and  weave  for  you  the 
story  of  her  life  at  a  very  cheap  rate.  She  is  a  Sioux,  and 
comes  from  the  land  of  Cloudy  Water.  In  the  spring-time 
of  her  life  she  looked  upon  a  young  "brave"  and  loved. 
He,  however,  did  not  know,  or  knowing  did  not  reciprocate 
her  affection.  The  poor  little  squaw  scarce  knew  what  to  do. 
For  months  she  never  told  her  love,  but  let  concealment  like 
a  worm  i'  the  mud  prey  upon  her  cheek.     And  she  pined  in 


FROM  A  PINERY  TO  THE  CEMETERY.  05 

thought.  Finally,  to  let  the  young  man  know  what  was  going 
on  within  her  she  took  a  piece  of  pine  bark  and  painted  thereon 
an  eye,  which  any  savage  with  half  an  eye  would  understand 
to  signify  "I  pine."  This  was  better  and  more  to  the  point 
than  going  round  all  day  chewing  spruce  gum.  But  the 
ruthless  red-man,  instead  of  sending  her  a  "  pine  knot," 
merely  told  her  in  the  rough  Indian  dialect  to  "  pine  on."  Dis- 
gusted with  the  world  in  general,  and  the  vicinity  of  St. 
Paul  in  particular,  the  poor  squaw  came  to  Saratoga,  where 
she  spends  her  unloved  days  in  plaiting  baskets  and  selling 
glass  beads  for  several  times  their  actual  value. 

Besides  the  Indian  encampment,  there  are  other  cheerful 
spots  one  can  seek.  Here  is  the  cemetery,  for  instance.  It 
has  been  stated,  in  an  attempt  at  wit,  I  fancy,  that  the  resi- 
dents of  Saratoga  do  not  drink  the  waters ;  these  well  filled 
grounds  prove  the  contrary.  As  you  read  the  sad  inscriptions 
on  the  headstones,  you  wonder  of  what  particular  water  the 
one  that  lies  below  died  —  which  is  the  work  of  the  Wash- 
ington, for  instance ;  where  is  illustrated  the  deadly  sway  of 
the  Empire ;  what  victim  succumbed  to  the  dreadful  Geyser ; 
who  was  crushed  by  the  High  Rock.  And,  marking  the 
great  addition  of  ncM'-made  mounds  since  the  discovery  of 
the  horrible  Hathorn,  you  draw  your  own  conclusions. 

On  registering  at  the  Grand  Union,  one  thing  arrests  the 
attention  of  the  stranger  and  puzzles  him.  Let  into  the 
counter,  in  gilt  letters,  is  a  circular  inscription  which  cannot 
be  deciphered  without  difficulty: — 


..-' 

/. 

v» 

S 
o 

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u 

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tt 

S 

a 

e 

»< 

« 

/ 

% 

"IX-OO 

9\°> 

After  nearly  twisting  your  head  off  in  the  endeavor  to 
read  it,  you  finally  succeed,  and  discover  that  it  is  an  annular 
5 


QQ  WHERE  TO  GET  A  GRAVESTONE. 

advertisement.  But  the  cici  hono  of  its  display  here  is  less 
easily  seen.  Plainly  enough  it  is  not  the  interest  of  the  pro- 
prietors of  the  hotel  to  wring  a  guest's  neck  off  immediately 
he  enters  the  house,  and  you  argue  to  yourself  that  even  a 
Phosnioian  marble  company  could  not  suppose  the  summer 
tourist  likely  to  buy  a  marble  counter  to  pack  round  in  his 
trunk  or  to  carry  home  with  him.  But  as  you  stand  here 
in  the  cemetery,  a  light  dawns  upon  you;  you  discover  a 
method  in  this  marble  madness.  Modistes,  milliners,  tailors, 
etc.,  drive  but  dull  trade  at  the  Springs,  for  every  one  brings 
from  the  city  all  that  he,  she,  or  it  can,  will,  or  shall  need  in 
those  lines.  But  no  one  thinks  of  bringing  a  gravestone 
with  him.  And  this  marble  company  knows  that  there  is  a 
chance  of  your  needing  one  if  you  go  through  the  curriculum 
of  waters.  And  there  is  their  card  before  you  on  arrival. 
Easy  enough  now  to  guess  that  the  quarries  are  located  in 
Vermont. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

BEGINNING  WITH  A  GEOLOGICAL  DISQITISITION   AND   ENDING   WITH 
A  SEARCH   FOR  A  DICTIONARY. 

Whene'er  I  take  my  walks  abroad, 
How  many  springs  I  see ! 

IN"  fact  it  requires  a  good  deal  of  topographical  knowledge 
to  avoid  tumbling  into  them.  You  cannot  buy  a  bit  of 
ground  without  purchasing  one.  This  is  probably  the  reason 
BO  few  village  lots  change  hands.  The  mind  accustomed  to 
get  at  a  conclusion,  as  a  grasshopper  does  at  a  gate,  by 
jumping,  might  imagine  that  the  prevalence  of  these  springs 
should  cause  quite  an  active  movement  in  real  estate,  but  the 
contrary  seems  to  be  the  case.  The  Hon.  Mr.  Hathorn,  con- 
gressman from  this  district,  and  proprietor  of  Congress  Hall, 
purchased  a  piece  of  ground  and  attempted  to  dig  a  cellar. 
In  tlie  course  of  digging  he  unearthed  a  great  many  curious 
deposits.  At  a  few  inches  below  the  surface  of  the  ground 
he  struck  a  large  quantity  of  broken  crockery,  tin  cans,  and 
fish  bones  ;  penetrating  still  deeper  he  came  upon  a  layer  of 
shingle  nails,  shoes,  leather,  slop-pails,  stove-pipe  hats,  and 
jews-harps ;  six  feet  lower  he  turned  over  the  skeleton  of  a 
jackass.  Satisfied  now  that  he  was  getting  near  home,  he 
pushed  on  the  work  with  redoubled  vigor,  and  after  boring 
through  a  stratum  of  dairy  salt  nineteen  feet  thick,  a  stream 
of  mineral  water  spouted  three  hundred  and  ninety-nine  feet 
into  the  air,  drowning  a  number  of  the  miners  and  flooding 
the  proprietor  with  joy.     The  spring  has  never  ceased  spout- 


68  ABOUT  CRADLES  AND  DICTIONARIES. 

ing  since  —  nor  has  he,  the  hicky  coincidence  of  an  election  to 
Congress  which  followed  soon  after,  affording  him  unlimited 
opportunities  for  the  ample  development  of  the  gift. 

Investigating  the  origin  of  these  springs,  I  find  that  the 
granitic  rock  in  this  geological  section  is  commingled  with, 
in  some  cases  aiding  and  abutting  upon,  a  siliciferous  deposit, 
the  impermeableness  of  which  can  better  be  imagined  than 
described.  (That's  the  way  reporters  always  put  it,  I  believe.) 
Next  we  come  upon  a  synthermal  mass  of  plumbageous  blue 
clay  lying  in  near  proximity  to  an  amorphous  formation, 
which  presents  a  ferru-go-gu-go  —  there,  I'm  stuck  again  ! 

As  I  remarked  to  Mrs.  Paul  when  she  insisted  on  putting 
the  baby's  cradle  in  my  trunk  and  leaving  out  the  big  dic- 
tionary, I  never  can  get  along  without  a  dictionary.  It  is 
the  only  book  that  I  can  really  get  ideas  out  of ;  it's  chock 
full  of  them.  I  don't  say  much  for  it  for  steady  reading, 
though,  for  the  matter  of  that,  there  are  many  books  of 
greater  popularity  with  the  public  that  can't  hold  a  candle  to 
it  so  far  as  good  reading  is  concerned.  But  for  ideas  I'll 
back  it  against  the  best  book  going.  And,  as  I  explained  to 
Mrs.  Paul,  a  baby's  cradle  is  no  substitute  for  it ;  one  can't 
get  ideas  out  of  that.  At  least,  I  have  been  able  to  get  no 
idea  from  it  save  the  general  one  that  getting  up  at  one  o'clock 
at  night  to  attend  to  the  occupant  is  one  of  the  pleasing 
punishments  that  men  are  expected  to  bear. 

Any  dearth  of  ideas  which  may  be  noticed  in  this  corre- 
spondence, just  attribute  to  my  having  no  dictionary  along. 
I  have  tried  to  borrow  in  vain.  I  applied  yesterday  at  The 
Saratogian  office  ;  they  had  a  rather  recent  unabridged,  they 
thought,  but  on  coming  to  brush  around  for  it  discovered  that 
it  had  been  used  all  the  winter  through  for  a  chopping-block ; 
there  was  nothing  left  of  it  but  the  very  hardest  words, 
words  that  were  hard  enough  to  turn  the  edge  of  the  ax,  and 
these  they  couldn't  spare  even  for  a  few  minutes,  as  they 
were  engaged  in  carrying  on  a  spirited  controversy  with  the 
other  village  paper.  Then  I  applied  at  the  book-store.  It 
had  been  a  bad  season,  the  man  said,  a  bad  season  for  every- 


VISIT  TO  HATHORN'S  "LABORATORY  OF  NATURE."  QQ 


thing,  including  dictionaries  ;  probably  as  many  were  printed 
•  as  ever,  but  somehow  they  didn't  find  their  way  up  there ; 
there  was  Hathorn,  now,  he  was  a  congressman  and  might 
possibly  have  one  lying  around — 

I  stepped  over  to  Congress  Hall.  "  Mr.  Hathorn,"  I  said, 
"  really  my  position  is  a  very  unpleasant  one ;  it  grinds  my 
proud  soul  down  into  the  dust  at  my  feet  to  be  obliged  to  go 
round  confessing  it,  but  there's  no  help  for  it.  I  came  up  in 
the  hope  to  earn  an  honest  though  humble  subsistence  by 
writing  elaborate  letters  for  The  Great  Moral  Organ, 
mostly  on  scientific  subjects — science  being  my  strong  suit. 
But  unfortunately  1  came  away  without  a  dictionary ;  and  I 
always  depend  on  a  dictionary  for  ideas.  Now,  knowing 
that  you  are  a  man  without  ideas,  I  have  come  to  you  in  the 
hope  that  you  will  sympathize  with  me,  and  kindly — " 

Mr.  Hathorn  took  my  arm  in  his.  "  It  is  all  right,"  he 
said.  "  Just  step  over  to  my  spring  with  me ;  I'll  set  you 
straight  in  a  moment." 

We  crossed  the  way,  descended  a  short  flight  of  wooden 
steps,  and  soon  stood  in  what  Mr.  Hathorn  calls  "  The  Labo- 
ratory of  Nature."  I  should  have  called  it  a  small  and  rather 
damp  shed.  In  the  center  of  the  floor  a  wooden  stove-pipe 
protruded,  inside  of  which  water  boiled  and  bubbled  contin- 
ually. 

He  stooped  down  and  filled  a  tumbler.  "  Drink  this,"  he 
said.     I  drank  it. 

"  How's  that  ? "  he  asked. 

"  Deedeed  salt,"  I  replied. 

"  That's  because  it's  the  first  one ;  try  another,"  and  he 
filled  the  tumbler  again.  I  swallowed  that.  "  How  do  you 
feel  now  ? " 

"  Pretty  full,  thank  you,"  answered  I. 

"  Just  the  way  it  ought  to  work.  Here,"  and  he  extended 
another  tumblerful. 

After  wrestling  with  it  a  moment  I  set  the  glass  down. 

*'  Have  you  got  an  idea  ? "  he  shouted,  seizing  me  by  the 
coat  collar. 


70  MR.  HATHORN  SPEAKS  OF  HIS  SPRING. 

"  Yes — an  idea  that  I  don't  want  any  more  of  it,"  I  said. 
"  I  came  over  to  get — " 

"  An  idea,"  he  broke  in,  "  and  that's  just  what  you  will 
get  if  you  drink  a  gallon  or  two.  Talk  of  ideas — there's 
more  ideas  in  a  pint  of  that  water  than  in  all  the  other 
springs  put  together.  Just  look  at  me !  Johnson  over 
there  calls  his  water  '  Congress,'  and  makes  a  fuss  about  the 
'  trade  mark.'  Why,  I  hadn't  sucked  away  at  this  spring 
twenty-four  hours  before  it  made  me  a  congressman.  And 
it  keeps  me  so.  See  here — "  and  he  filled  a  glass  enthusiasti- 
cally ;  "  for  curing  sick  folks  there  is  nothing  like  it.  See 
there — "  I  turned  my  head  in  the  direction  indicated,  and  he 
availed  himself  of  the  opportunity  to  throw  the  water  over 
his  shoulder ;  "  that  man  sitting  down  just  outside  this 
Laboratory  of  Nature  came  here  as  full  of  humors  as  a  grind- 
stone is  of  grit ;  he  had  more  humors  into  him  than  you 
could  shake  a  stick  at ;  now  he's  as  smooth  as  though  he'd 
been  rubbed  down  with  sand-paper  every  ten  minutes  for 
a  week.  You  see  the  buttons  all  over  his  clothes ;  well, 
them's  the  humors  he  had — they  came  out  in  brass  buttons." 

"  See  here —  "  and  he  filled  his  glass  again  ;  "  you  see  that 
man  with  the  long  legs  over  there,  one  leg  a  little  longer 
than  the  other  ? "  I  turned  my  head  an  instant,  and  heard 
the  water  splash  over  his  shoulder.  "Well,  he  hadn't  long 
legs  at  all  when  he  came  here ;  one  was  shorter  than  the 
other;  that's  what  he  came  for;  the  spring  worked  well 
enough  on  him,  but  the  trouble  was  it  made  both  legs  grow 
together,  as  it  ought  to,  being  fair  water ;  I  told  him  he  must 
sort  o'  cant  himself  over  on  the  short  side  all  day,  and  sleep 
on  the  short  side  at  night,  and  then  the  water'd  onl_y  take 
hold  where  it  run  to  ;  well,  he  got  along  first  rate  all  day, 
but  at  night  he  would  turn  over,  you  see ;  we  tried  to  strap 
him  down,  but  it  wan't  no  manner  of  use ;  that  water's  al- 
mighty powerful ;  it  just  took  him  up  and  slung  him  about  the 
bed  as  though  he'd  been  a  dandelion-seed — and  he  weighing 
nigh  onto  two  hundred  pounds." 

"  Is  this  Water  helpful  in  the  way  of  reducing  superfluous 


MR.  HATHOKN  SHOWS  HOW  HE  TAKES  THE  WATER.        71 

flesh  ? "  1  asked ;  "  he  doesn't  look  to  be  more  than  half  that 
weight  now."  • 

"  Helpful  in  reducing  superfluous  flesh  ?  "Well,  I  guess  so ; 
it  just  whittles  a  fellow  down  like  a  jack-plane,  if  he's  too 
fat.  Look  at  me !  I  was  as  big  round  the  waist  as  Johnson, 
over  there  at  the  Congress,  before  I  found  this  spring ;  now 
I'm  thin  enough,  ain't  I  ? "  Compared  with  Hathorn's 
proportions  a  lath  might  be  called  round  and  corpulent. 

"  Yes,"  I  remarked ;  "  but  I  should  think  there  was  dan- 
ger of  the  other  extreme.  If  you  go  on  drinking  this  water 
as  you  don't,  or  throwing  it  over  your  shoulder  as  3'ou  do, 
there  won't  be  enough  left  of  you,  by-and-by,  to  cast  a  vote ; 
perhaps  not  even  enough  to  cast  a  shadow," 

"  Oh,  it  works  both  ways,"  he  said  :  "  I'm  a  drinking  it 
now  to  get  flesh  on;  there's  nothing  this  water  can't  do,  if 
you  give  it  a  fair  show;  no  matter  how  sick  you  feel  at  night, 
just  drink  a  gallon  or  two  before  going  to  bed,  and  you'll 
get  up  in  the  morning  feeling  like  a  bird." 

"An  early  bird,"  I  suggested.  "But  really,  Mr.  Ila- 
thorn,  interesting  as  this  conversation  is,  I  came  over  merely 
to  borrow  a  dictionary,  and  if  you'll  kindly  say  whether 
you've  got  a  dictionary  or  not,  I  will  not  longer  trespass  upon 
your — " 

"  Oh,  bother  dictionaries ;  I  hain't  had  one  in  five  years, 
and  don't  want  one  so  long  as  I've  got  this  sj^ring  liandy. 
Kow  if  you'll  just  use  it  as  I  do — drink  it  freely  like  this — " 

And  as  he  stooped  to  fill  up  again  I  stole  away  un])erceived 
to  the  book-store,  catching  a  little  spray  in  my  back  as  he 
emptied  his  glass  in  the  usual  direction.  Looking  back  from 
the  shelter  of  a  door  I  saw  the  perpendicular  congressman 
still  going  on  about  his  spring,  bailing  out  water  by  the  tum- 
blerful and  throwing  it  over  his  shoulder  like  mad  in  blissful 
unconsciousness  of  my  absence. 

My  man  at  the  bookstore  looked  rather  dumfounded  when 
1  told  him  that  Mr.  Ilathorn  had  no  dictionary.  "  Set  out 
to  represent  this  district,"  he  said,  with  an  approach  to  anger, 
"  and  not  have  a  dictionary  ;  that  won't  do — they'll  beat  him 


72  -^T  COL.  JOHNSON'S  SPRING. 

on  the  big  words,  sure !  But,"  he  added,  his  face  brightening 
up  like  a  full  moon  emerging  from  behind  a  haystack, 
"there's  Johnson's  dictionary,  now." 

I  explained  that  Johnson's  dictionary  would  not  answer 
my  purpose,  that  it  was  old  and  comparatively  obsolete,  be- 
sides having  no  pictures  in  it. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  mean  that  old  buzwig,"  he  said, "  I  mean  our 
Johnson,  Col.  Johnson,  you  know,  who  runs  Congress  Spring ; 
he's  got  a  regular  buster,  bran-new  ;  he  won't  like  to  lend  it, 
maybe  not,  for  he  takes  a  dip  at  it  pretty  often  himself ; 
he's  mighty  particular  about  his  language  the  Colonel  is. 
Howsomever,  you  go  and  tackle  him." 

So  I  just  trundled  myself  down  to  Congress  Spring.  I 
found  Col.  Johnson  pouring  Congress  water  on  the  back  of 
a  yellow  dog  that  seemed  to  have  been  pretty  badly  scalded, 
and  muttering  to  himself : — 

"  Chloride  of  Sodium 44  grains. 

«  Chloride  of  Potassium 8.049      " 

"  Bicarbonate  of  Magnesia. .    .  .121.757      " 

"  Bicarbonate  of  Lime 143.399      " 

"  Bicarbonate  of  Lithia 4.761      " 

«  Bicarbonate  of  Soda 10.755      " 

"  Brom-Brom — a  trace,  a  trace, — just-as-strong-and-just-as- 
good-as-40-years-ago, — Prof.-Chandler-says-Bicarbo-br-r-r — " 
"  Beg  pardon  for  interrupting  you.  Col.  Johnson,"  I  said,  re- 
moving my  hat  and  sitting  down  in  a  bucket  of  Congress  water 
which  happened  to  be  convenient,  "  but  I  came  away  without 
any  books  of  reference,  and  1  just  came  over  to  ask  if — " 

"  These  springs  have  been  losing  strength  for  a  few  years 
back  ? "  he  broke  in ;  "  that's  what  everybody's  running  in 
for  ever  since  Hathorn  discovered  that  salt  mackerel  mine 
of  his ;  no  !  no ! !  confound  it,  no ! ! !  Prof.  Chandler  says — " 
and  he  bent  his  head  to  his  task  again,  and  went  on  muttering 
about  bicarbonates  and  bromides  and  iodides  and  sulphates 
and  phosphates  and  biborates  and  fluorides  and  suicides  and 
the  cubic  inches  of  gas  that  he  or  a  given  quantity  of  his 
water  contained — I  couldn't  distinctly  make  out  which. 


MARVELOUS  QUALITIES  OF  ITS  WATERS.  73 

"  What  ails  that  dog  ? "  I  asked,  by  way  of  showing  my 
friendly  interest  and  approaching  the  real  business  gently 
and  dexterously. 

"  Well,  some  folks  say  he's  scalded,  and  some  say  he  ain't ; 
some  think  some  one  threw  hot  water  on  him  and  some  don't. 
I  think  Hathorn  flung  some  of  that  confounded  water  of  his 
on  him  ;  that's  what  I  think  about  it.  But  here's  what'll 
bring  him  round  again  all  right,"  and  he  went  on  rubbing 
the  yellow  dog's  back  with  Congress  water,  and  the  yellow 
dog  howling  and  yelling  all  the  while  as  though  he  were 
being  skinned  alive. 

"  Then  it  is  good  for  burns  ?  "  I  asked. 

"Good  for  burns?"  he  exclaimed,  turning  round  on  me 
and  di'opping  the  dog,  "  I  should  say  so ;  why,  one  thimble- 
ful of  it  will  put  out  more  fire  than  a  hogshead  of  common 
water  will.  What  do  you  think  saved  Saratoga  from  being  clean 
burned  down  last  summer?  They  tried  that  Hathorn  water 
on  the  fire,  and  it  just  set  it  going  like  kerosene  would ; 
there's  nothing  so  cooling  as  Congress  water ;  a  chap  from 
your  city,  where  they  don't  get  much  good  milk,  drove  out  to  a 
farm  the  other  day  and  drank  so  much  cow-juice  that  he  felt 
uncomfortable,  so  he  just  walked  down  to  our  spring  and 
itook  a  glass  or  two  of  water ;  well,  they  held  a  post  mortem 
inext  day,  and  I'm  blest  if  there  wasn't  nigh  upon  a  gallon 
and  a  half  of  ice-cream  found  in  his  potato  cellar  ;  no  man 
could  stand  that,  3' ou  know ;  you  see  the  milk  wouldn't  have 
hurt  him  by  itself,  though  it  is  uncommon  rich,  the  milk 
\".  0  raise  round  licre,  and  the  water  wouldn't  have  hurt  him 
either  if  he  hadn't  packed  it  square  on  top  of  the  milk;  if 
he'd  just  slipped  a  griddle-cake  or  something  between  he'd 
be  cavorting  around  now  as  gay  as  a  speckled  steer." 

"  But  isn't  there  a  good  deal  of  Hathorn  water  drunk?  " 
I  asked. 

"  Of  course  there  is ;  every  one  that  stops  at  his  liotel  has 
to  drink  it;  you  see  it's  mighty  profitable  to  him,  that  spring; 
if  a  man  goes  down  and  takes  a  glass  of  it  before  breakfast 
he  don't  want  breakfast  much,  and  when  dinner  time  comes 


74  OOL.  JOHNSON  ALLUDES  TO  HIS  SPRING. 

round  he  ain't  amazing  hnngrj  either,  and  a  little  toast  and 
tea  is  about  his  best  gait  all  the  while.  Why,  that  spring  saves 
Hathorn  a  million  spring  chickens  a  year ;  he  won't  let  his 
folks  drink  our  water ;  a  man  is  stopping  there  now  from  out 
West;  got  the  gravel ;  doctors  sent  him  here  to  drink  Con- 
gress water ;  Hathorn  won't  let  him ;  keeps  him  pumping 
away  at  that  spring  of  his ;  what's  the  consequence  ?  The 
poor  fellow's  getting  more  gravelly  every  day ;  he'll  be  over 
here  to  get  us  to  roll  him  down  with  the  garden-roller  one  of 
these  fine  mornings  ;  Hathorn's  guests  don't  get  no  flesh  on 
them  :  look  at  Hathorn,  himself;  you  can  see  clean  through 
him  of  a  clear  day ;  why,  when  I  came  here  first  I  was  just 
as  thin  as  Hathorn  is,  and  now — "  The  Colonel  cast  a  satis- 
fied eye  over  his  rotund  proportions. 

"But  is  there  not  danger  of  the  water's  making  one  too 
plethoric  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Oh,  I  shut  off  on  it  twenty  years  ago.  Jerry,  over  there 
at  the  Grand  Union,  fixes  up  something  for  me  once  in  a 
while  instead ;  1  don't  like  it  so  well  as  I  do  Congress  water, 
but  a  man  doesn't  want  to  get  too  fat,  you  know." 

"  Is  there  really  much  difference  in  the  substances  contained 
in  these  various  springs  ?  "  I  asked.  "  Setting  prejudice 
wholly  aside,  are  not  the  mineral  salts  and  the  proportions  in 
which  they  exist  nearly  identical  ?  " 

"  Identical  ?  Well,  I  never !  "  shouted  the  Colonel,  rushing 
into  aback  room  and  dragging  in  a  huge  glass  jar.  "  Here  is  the 
sediment  from  a  gallon  of  the  Hathorn  water,  which  I  evap- 
orated myself;  no  one  else  had  access  to  it;  just  hear  this!  " 
and  he  rattled  and  shook  the  jar.  "  I've  had  the  result  of  the 
evaporation  analj^zed  carefully,  by  the  best  chemist  in  Balls- 
ton,  and  here  is  what  he  says  about  it." 

I  took  the  scrap  of  paper  and  read  : — 

Parts, 

Common  Salt 99.999 

Carpet  tacks 22.222 

Pair  of  boots 100.000 

Old  slippers A  trace. 

Old  Tom  Gin None. 


COL.  JOHXSON  ANALYZES  THE  HATHORN  WATER.  75 

Pair  of  shoes 100.000 

Pair  of  traces A   trace. 

Stirrup  leathers Some. 

Nitro  glycerine 99.999 

Total  solid  contents 

(Here  was  a  foot-note  saying  that  they  had  not  been  able 
to  foot  them  up,  as  the  only  "  Webb  Adding  Macliine  "  in 
the  village  was  kept  in  such  constant  use  they  couldn't  get  a 
chance  at  it.  But  it  was  comforting  to  me  to  find  out  where 
the  boots,  shoes  and  slippers  lost  at  Congress  Hall,  all  went. 
In  the  cause  of  science  I  am  willing  to  sacrifice  any  amount 
of  wearing  apparel.) 

"  And  the  substances  contained  in  your  spring,  do  they 
differ  materially  from  those  above  enumerated.  Colonel  ?  " 
"  Well  I  should  say  so ; "  and  he  began  again ; 

"  Bromide  of  Sodium 8.559 

Iodide  of  Sodium 0.138 

Flu—" 

"  W7iat  did  lo  die  of  ?"  I  asked. 

"Drinking  Hathorn  water,  I  guess,"  and  be  began  again, 
"  Fluoride  of — " 

"  What  did  fluo  ride  on? "  I  shouted  in  his  ear. 

"  Oh,  bother,  don't  interrupt  me  at  my  morning  devotions ; 
take  down  the  dictionary  there  and  look  it  up,"  and  he  went 
on  : — 

"Hydriodate  of—" 

The  opportunity  was  too  tempting  to  be  resisted.  I  quietly 
slid  off  with  the  dictionary,  and  was  safe  at  my  hotel  before 
the  Colonel  got  fairly  to  the  final  "  trace  of  organic  matter." 


CHAPTER  X. 

WHICH  IF  ANYBODY  THINKS  IT  WAS  WEITTEN  ON  SUNDAY  BE- 
CAUSE IT  IS  DEVOTED  TO  CHURCHES  AND  CLEBGYiiEN,  THAT 
BODY  IS  WEONG. 

INEYER  write  letters  on  Sunday  but  whenever  I  do  I 
always  date  them  next  day. 
The  churches  were  very  well  filled  yesterday.  I  didn't 
get  out ;  it  being  impossible  to  attend  them  all,  it  seemed 
rather  my  duty  to  stay  at  home  and  hear  reports  from  each. 
Dr.  Cuyler  preached  at  the  Congregational.  I  understand 
that  he  caromed  on  Prof.  Tyndall,  and  pocketed  several 
other  scientists.  He  took  his  cue  probably  from  the  prayer- 
test  proposed  by  the  Professor  some  time  since.  This  leads 
me  to  believe  that  he  used  a  spare  sermon,  prepared  perhaps  a 
year  before,  and  kept  on  hand  for  an  emergency.  City  clergy- 
men do  this  more  or  less,  and  never  go  off  on  a  summer 
cruise  without  taking  a  barrel  full  of  extra  exordiums  along 
— somewhat  as  ships  carry  a  supply  of  spare  spars  in  case  of 
sudden  want.  Sermons  not  quite  good  enough  for  city  use 
are  perhaps  found  excellent  timber  for  the  country. 

The  clergymen  as  a  body  "stop"  at  Temple  Grove,  and  Prof. 
South  tells  me,  have  a  capital  time  there — prayers  before 
breakfast  and  backgammon  after.  If  this  sounds  wicked  in 
me,  just  remember  that  I  am  only  quoting  a  good,  pious 
Professor  who  "stops"  at  Temple  Grove — how  odd  that 
Americanism  hedged  in  with  inverted  commas  sounds  when 
you  come  to  consider  it  in  cool  blood !     You  will  notice  that 


WHERE  THE  CLERGYMEN  "STOP."  77 

all  tlirongli  my  book  I  put  it  in  quotation  marks  to  show 
that  I  know  what  I  am  about. 

I  As  I  was  remarking  when  "  stopped  "  by  this  digressive  dis- 
quisition, if  I  seem  wicked,  it  is  only  because  I  attempted 
to  quote  Temple  Grove.  You  may  have  noticed  that  what 
would  be  wicked  in  a  man  is  only  witty  when  said  by  a  min- 
ister. Do  you  not  remember  that  at  the  Tyndall  dinner  at 
Delmonico's  all  the  solemn  speaking  was  done  by  the  high- 
toned  infidels — beg  pardon — I  mean  by  the  scientific  gentle- 
men present  ?  The  only  one  who  really  kicked  up  his  heels 
and  stood  on  his  head  and  dared  be  scientifically  jolly  and 
slightly  irreverent  was  Henry  Ward  Beecher.  I  do  not  mean 
to  condemn  that  excellent  divine;  but  merely  mention  the 
incident  to  illustrate  the  advantage  of  having  a  well  estab- 
lished reputatioQ  for  sobriety  and  piety ;  one  can  say  or  do 
most  anything  then.  Something  so  with  religious  news- 
papers. I  have  seen  things  in  some  of  them  that  my  Great 
Moral  Organ  wouldn't  print  for  any  consideration  whatever, 
even  to  oblige  a  committee  of  deacons. 

As  I  was  saying,  all  the  clergymen  who  put  in  their 
summer  vacation  here  put  up  at  Temple  Grove,  a  pleasant 
bouse,  coolly  situated  on  a  Zionic  hill  and  surrounded  by 
noble  old  trees.  Hence  the  name,  probably,  for  the  familiar 
quotation,  "  One  of  God's  first  temples,  not  made  with 
hands,"  recurs  to  the  mind  involuntarily  as  you  enter  the 
beautiful  grove.  After  evening  service,  however,  many  of 
the  clergymen  come  down  to  enjoy  the  music  and  a  cigar  on 
the  pleasant  piazzas  of  the  secular  hotels.  I  love  to  see  a 
clergyman  smoking ;  in  the  first  place,  he  always  seems  to 
get  more  enjoyment  out  of  it  than  any  one  else,  and,  in  the 
second,  it  is  a  proof  to  me  that  I  am  not  wholly  depraved  in 
my  tastes.  In  translating  "  Charles  Douze"  at  school,  I  re- 
member to  have  read  that  the  Russian  orthodox  claim  that  it 
is  less  sinful  to  drink  brandy  than  to  smoke,  insomuch  as  it  is 
written  that  it  is  not  that  which  goeth  into  a  man's  mouth 
that  dcfil(3tli,  but  that  which  cometh  out.  Our  clergymen 
arc  of  a  diti'ereut  o]nnion,  and  it  is  worthy  of  remark  that 


78  THE  HEIGHT  OF  CHRISTIAN  CHARITY. 

the  J  always  smoke  an  excellent  brand  of  cigars — long  nines 
are  not  their  strong  soot.  I  may  be  mistaken,  but  I  fancy 
that  I  have  remarked  a  pecnliarity  about  the  Calvinistic 
clergyman  when  he  "  blows  a  cloud."  It  always  occurs  to 
me  that  he  bites  and  rolls  his  cigar  about  in  his  mouth  some- 
what spitefully,  as  though  he  had  got  hold  of  a  sinner,  and 
that  he  sees  it  approach  its  burning  end  with  glowing  satis- 
faction. 

The  Rev.  Dr.  Budington  of  Brooklyn  came  up  here  last 
week,  to  confer  with  me  on  a  little  matter  of  church  disci- 
pline. I  met  him  in  one  of  the  halls,  and  no  bystander  re- 
marked much  ill  feeling  in  my  manner.  When  a  man  walks 
squarely  up  to  the  clergyman  who  married  him  three  years 
before,  takes  him  by  the  hand  cordially,  and,  without  a  word 
of  reproach,  inquires  after  his  health,  it  is  useless  for  any  to 
maintain  that  Christian  forgiveness  is  a  thing  of  the  past, 
and  does  not  enter  largely  into  that  man's  character,  or  that 
the  heroic  virtues  have  all  disappeared  from  earth ! 

Commodore  Yanderbilt,  with  his  usual  following,  has  put  in 
an  appearance.  He  comes  up  here  every  season — no  wonder 
that  with  his  "  watering  "  proclivities  he  is  fond  of  watering 
places.  He  takes  up  his  quarters — and  also  picks  up  what 
stray  halves  and  wholes  he  can,  at  whist — at  Congress  Hall. 
Those  who  have  got  rich  by  following  his  "  points "  also 
stop  there ;  those  who  have  not,  as  a  general  thing,  patronize 
the  hotel  directly  opposite — you  can  now  guess  which  hotel 
has  the  more  guests,  and  where  I  am  staying.  It  pleases  me 
to  have  the  Commodore  so  near,  for  if  eminent  at  whist  it 
may  be  that  he  also  prides  himself  on  his  "  7-up,"  and  I 
have  been  longing  for  some  one  to  happen  along  who  thinks 
he  understands  the  intricate  beauties  of  that  fascinating  game. 
One  must  make  one's  expenses  some  way,  you  know,  and  as 
well  out  of  the  Commodore  as  any  one  else.  I  think  I 
could  get  back  the  cost  of  those  trunk-straps  if  I  got  one  fair 
dig  at  him.  The  noble  old  gentleman  has  made  some 
wonderfully  queer  and  quick  "turns"  in  his  time,  but  I 
imagine  that  I  could  turn  a  jack  from  the  bottom  in  a  way 


TEE  COMMODORE  OX  "DECK."  79 

that  would  make  his  venerable  hair  stand  on  end.  He  has 
always  beaten  me  in  stock  operations,  but  unless  he  can 
"  stock "  the  cards  on  a  fellow  pretty  deftly,  I've  an  idea 
that  a  good  deal  of  New  York  Central  and  Ilarlem  Railroad 
stock  would  be  transferred  over  into  my  name  before  the 
season  ended.  If  he'll  only  agree  to  deal  above  the  table, 
and — 

Now,  really,  I  intended  to  devote  this  chapter  to  churches 
and  clergymen,  and  here  I've  got  a  mile  away  from  everyone 
and  everything  connected  with  them.  But  how  can  one  help 
backsliding  when  he  gets  on  such  slippery  ground  as  a  ''  full- 
deck? "  You  couldn't  expect  a  fellow  to  "  stand  "  under  such 
circumstances,  unless  he  had  a  pat  hand,  for  a  sure  foot 
wouldn't  help  him  a  bit;  the  worst  "pair"  in  the  world 
would  beat  him  blind  if  he  had  nothing  better  at  his  back. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


A  SLIGHT  CORRECTION  OF  FOREGOING  CHAPTERS  BECOMING  NEC 
ESSARY,  THE  AUTHOR  TRANSPLANTS  THE  MATERIAL  OF  TH] 
PRESENT  CHAPTER  FROM  THE  PAGES  OF  A  GUIDE-BOOK,  IN  THl 
HOPE  THAT  THUS  HE  MAY  PLEASE  THE  LEAST  FASTIDIOUS. 

IT  is  hard  to  please  everybody.     One  half  of  the  worlc 
doesn't  know  what  It  wants,  and  the  half  that  does  can't  get 
it.     Those  who  don't  know  what  they  M^ant  grumble  because 
no  one  comes  along  and  brings  it  to  them.     If  some  one  does,! 
instead  of  being  thankful  for  the  accident  they  grumble  jnst 
the  same.     Here  for  nigh  upon  a  month  have  I  been  work- 
ing industriously  for  the  public  good,  sitting  up  late  into  the! 
night  and  consuming  an  unlimited  amount  of  burning  fluid! 
in  an  attempt  to  shed  a  pleasant  radiance  around  upon  myj 
fellow  men.     And  now  comes  the  complaint  that  the  news] 
which  I  manufacture  myself,  to  ensure  its   freshness,  is  nol 
news ;  that  my  facts  are  fabrications,  that  there  is  no  truth  inl 
my  statements  generally  ;  that  I  am  unfair  in  my  mention  of  j 
the  waters,  "bulling"  some  and  "bearing"  others.     Nowl 
the  plain  truth  of  it  is  that  I  can  bear  none  of  them;  so  far 
as  the  waters  are  concerned  I  take  no  part  in  any  movements! 
connected  with  them,  and  am  in  no  way  an  interested  party.j 
Sometimes  I  blunder  into  an  error  of  fact,  but  my  grief  on] 
such  occasions  is  poignant  and  would  move  the  most  unyield- 
ing hart,  as  well  as  the  most  plastic  doe.     And  my  eagerness] 
to  correct  is  only  equaled  by  my  willingness  to  ofi'end. 

As  regards  the  facts  given  in  the  foregoing  chapter  very 


A  FEW  CORRECTIOXS.  81 

little  correction  is  necessary.  In  the  "  Temple  Grove  "  men- 
tion I  hit  it  exactly,  except  that  Temple  Grove  does  not 
stand  on  a  hill,  is  not  surrounded  by  trees,  and  what  trees 
there  are  are  not  "  old  ones ; "  its  name  was  not  suggested  by 
the  "  One  of  God's  first  temples  "  line,  but  comes  from  the 
circumstance  that  a  late  faniily  by  the  name  of  Temple  built 
and  occupied  it  as  a  private  residence.  Clergymen  do  not 
"  stop  "  there  as  a  rule,  but  at  Dr.  Strong's,  directly  opposite 
— Dr.  S.  S.  Strong's — which  statement  may  be  relied  upon 
as  the  very  triple  s-ence  of  truth.  Prof.  South  is  not  a 
"  pious  professor "  at  all,  and  lastly,  there  is  no  Temple 
Grove  house  here,  and  if  there  was  it  would  be  located  at 
Ballston,  "  only  twenty  miles  away  " — like  Sheridan  from 
the  battle — and  wouldn't  be  called  Temple  Grove,  probably. 

If  any  one  can  take  anything  back  more  completely  than  I 
do  up  there,  I  would  like  to  see  the  man  do  it  and  be  there 
when  he  does  it.  No  one  can  accuse  me  of  unwillingness  to 
correct  little  errors  of  fact. 

As  to  favoring  one  mineral  water  more  than  another,  I 
have  endeavored  not  to ;  I  have  no  particular  choice — any 
one  of  them  is  bad  enough  for  me — and  as  to  not  doing  them 
and  the  village  justice,  I  will  start  in  at  once,  with  the 
*'  Hand-book  of  Saratoga,"  for  which  I  have  just  paid  sev- 
enty-five cents  so  as  to  be  siare  of  my  facts  this  time,  before 
nie  for  reference.  "Wherever  quotation  marks  are  used,  hold 
the  "Hand  book"  (between  which  and  the  various  commen- 
taries on  Shakespeare  you  will  detect  remarkable  resem- 
blances,) responsible.  "Wherever  quotation  marks  are  not  used, 
it  is  I  in  proper  person,  and  you  may  rely  upon  these  latter 
liquid  statements  as  being  the  high-proof  high-wine  of  una- 
dulterated truth.     To  begin: — 

"  Saratoga  is  an  Indian  word  of  the  Iroquois  language, 
derived  from  Saragh-^^a  or  ogo."  This  is  not  Indian  for 
Aged-Sarah,  as  the  rash  reader  might  hastily  conclude,  but, 
"according  to  Sir  "William  Johnson,  means  'The  Place  of 
Herrings.'  "  Saratoga  is  now  more  a  place  of  sardines,  and 
tlie  present  Col.  Johnson  of  Congress  Spring  is  not  the  Sir 
6 


82  HOW  SARATOGA  WAS  DISCOVERED. 

"William  above  mentioned  who  discovered  it,  though  his  age 
might  lead  you  to  suppose  so.  The  Baronet  died  in  the 
year  1Y76,  and  it  was  in  this  year  that  the  Colonel  and  the 
American  Union  were  born.  "  In  the  battle  of  Lake  George, 
on  the  8th  of  September,  1755,  Sir  William  Johnson  received 
a  severe  bullet  wound  in  one  of  his  thighs."  He  knew  there 
had  been  a  battle  by  the  bullet-in  after  the  battle.  The  Indi- 
ans, whom  we  may  imagine  to  have  entertained  feelings  of 
peculiar  friendship  towards  their  white  brethren  who  were 
then  overrunning  their  country  and  trading  a  string  of  glass 
beads  with  them  for  a  dozen  or  so  of  beaver  skins,  "  decided 
to  reveal  to  their  beloved  brother  the  '  medicine  spring'  of 
the  Great  Spirit,"  and  piloted  him  to  the  High  Kock. 
"  Pausing  a  few  rods  from  the  spring,  the  Baronet  leaves  the 
litter,  and  for  a  moment  his  manly  form,  wrapped  in  his 
Bcarlet  blanket  bordered  with  gold  lace,  stands  towering  and 
erect  above  the  waving  plumes  of  his  Mohawk  braves." 

The  Hand-book  does  not  go  on  to  say  how  the  braves  liked 
his  standing  on  their  heads  in  that  way,  but  the  end,  they 
knew,  was  near,  and  we  may  suppose  them  to  have  borne  it  with 
resignation.  "  Then,  approaching  the  spring,  he  kneels  with 
uncovered  head,  and  reverently  places  upon  the  rock  a  roll 
of  fragrant  tobacco  ; "  this  was  giving  quid  pro  quo,  and 
accounts  in  some  degree  for  the  smell  and  taste  that  the 
waters  have  ever  since  had.  "  After  a  sojourn  of  four  days 
at  the  High  Rock,  the  Baronet  was  summoned  home," — which 
is  a  rather  neat  way  of  saying  that  he  passed  in  his  checks. 
Nothing  could  be  more  euphemistic  than  the  way  in  which 
this  natural  conclusion  of  the  story  is  told.  Of  course, 
neither  of  his  thighs  troubled  him  subsequently,  nor  did  he 
trouble  them  much  with  carrying  him  around  ;  and  a  monu- 
ment was  built  by  general  subscription  of  the  gentle  savages, 
on  which  the  inscription  was  engraved  in  terse  but  gutteral 
Iroquois : — "  Saratoga  cured  me ;  here  I  lie  I "  And  I  guess 
he  did,  when  he  said  it ! 

Passing  over  much  interesting  information  regarding  the 
early  settlement  of  the  country,  and  the  exact  number  of  tin 


THE  CROPS  AND  SUCH  THINGS.  83 

tomahawks  and  pewter-bladed  knives  of  the  period  which  the 
Indians  got  in  exchange  for  it,  and  the  geological  description 
— upon  which,  indeed,  I  touched  quite  fully  in  a  previous 
letter — I  come  to  the  agricultural  products.  "Beans  grow 
well ;  and  it  is  to  be  regretted  that  they  are  not  more  culti- 
vated, and  eaten  by  the  laboring  classes  almost  universal."  I 
indorse  the  sentiment.  Any  one  who  would  not  get  up  in 
the  middle  of  the  night  and  sit  out  on  his  front  stoop,  in  a 
snow  storm  if  necessary,  to  regret  that  beans  are  not  more 
cultivated  and  eaten  by  the  laboring  classes  almost  univer- 
sally, is  simply  a  prize-package-candy-vender  in  human  form, 
a  wretch  whom  'twere  base  flattery  to  call  a  coward. 

"  Oats  are  much  cultivated,  and  may  be  said  to  be  one  of 
the  staple  crops.  They  are  mainly  used  as  feed  for  horses." 
This  marks  at  once  the  difference  between  Saratoga  and 
Scotland.  In  the  latter  country,  according  to  Johnson's 
Dictionary,  they  are  used  mainly  as  feed  for  Scotchmen. 
"  The  potato  enters  largely  into  the  daily  food  of  all  classes 
of  the  people,  and  is  one  of  the  most  important  crops." 
This  is  interesting  to  know,  insomuch  as  various  classes  of 
people  elsewhere  are  accustomed  to  enter  largely  into  the 
potato  for  their  daily  food,  not  always  respecting  the  "  patches  " 
which  appertain  to  their  neighbors. 

Dipping  into  geology  again  for  a  moment,  I  will  only  pause 
to  trundle  in  the  information  that  "  Silicious  Soil,  or  that 
composed  principally  of  silex,  is  very  widely  spread  over  the 
earth's  crust.  It  is  found  in  quartz  " — though  there  is  no 
reason  to  suppose  that  it  would  not  be  put  up  iti  pints  also, 
like  Congress  water,  if  people  made  a  point  of  it.  "  Alum- 
inous is  a  variety  of  soil  next  in  abundance,  the  base  of  which 
is  alumina."  This  is  necessary  for  any  one  to  know  who  is 
particular  about  family  prayer,  or  he  might  otherwise  kneel 
down  under  a  false  impression.  Something  so  about  bathing. 
"Bathing  means  the  immersion  of  the  body,  or  a  part  of  it, 
for  medicinal  purpose,  in  a  medium  different  from  that  which 
commonly  surrounds  it."  Thus,  when  one  takes  a  drink 
with  medicinal  intent,  we  would   say  that  the  poor  invalid 


84  FOSSILS  AND  OTHER  FRIVOLTIES. 

bathed  his  stomach,  whereas  under  any  other  circumstances 
it  would  be  proper,  if  not  polite,  to  say  that  an  old  snoozer 
was  only  putting  himself  outside  of  a  snifter  for  the  fun  of 
it.  As  well  be  out  of  the  world  as  not  acquainted  with  the 
technicalities  of  science ! 

As  to  the  fossils  that  are  found  roundabout  here,  they  are 
numerous  and  instructive.  Let  me  instance  the  Buihotrejphis 
fiexuosa  (a  flexible  fossil  occasionally  turning  up  in  the  Lan- 
cers), the  Bellerophon  hiholatus  (a  drinking  fossil),  the  Schizo- 
crinus  nodosus  (a  schismatic  fossil,  who  knowed  from  the 
first  that  the  world  was  on  the  wrong  track  theologically), 
the  Stictapora  acuta  (a  fossil  who  sticks  to  you  acutely),  the 
Atryjpa  modesta  (a  female  fossil,  fond  of  tripe  but  modest — 
very  rare),  the — but  why  run  over  the  whole  catalogue  ? 
Many  of  these  fossils  have  been  unearthed  and  resurrected, 
and  you  will  see  them  skipping  around  the  parlors  in  round 
dances  as  lively  as  though  they  never  had  been  buried  and 
ought  not  to  be  under  the  earth  now.  Some  of  them  take 
out  their  false  teeth  at  the  public  dinner  table. 

Come  we  now  to  the  springs,  and  my  pulse  madly  throbs 
with  exquisite  pleasure  as  we  arrive.  First — "  When  water, 
percolating  through  the  surface  of  the  earth,  meets  some  im- 
pervious stratum,  it  is  accumulated  upon  it,  until  it  rises  to 
such  a  level  as  to  find  an  outlet.  This  outlet  is  called  a 
spring."  Well,  to  drop  pleasure  and  attend  to  business, — as 
Appleton's  dog  remarked  when  he  left  ofi"  trying  to  fish  a 
mutton  chop  out  of  the  frying-pan  in  our  kitchen  and  started 
ofi"  to  keep  an  engagement  that  he  had  down  at  Yonkers 
with  another  dog,  not  stopping  to  pick  up  the  few  inches  of 
tail  that  the  cook  chopped  off,  to  carry  along  with  him — 
now  for  it : — 

"  The  High  Rock  Spring,  or,  as  it  was  called  up  to  1800, 
'The  Round  Rock,'  is  justly  considered  one  of  the  greatest 
natural  curiosities  in  the  world."  When  you  consider  that 
this  rock  is  harder  than  Pharaoh's  heart  or  the  sofa  in  a 
boarding-house  parlor,  and  was  brought  from  Puget  Sound 
by  a  family  of  Mormon  emigrants,  and  that  it  took  a  gang 


ABOUT  SOME  OF  THE  SPRINGS.  85 

of  laborers  from  the  Hoosac  Tunnel,  aided  by  a  pneumatic 
drill,  and  all  the  proprietors  of  the  other  springs  standing 
round  and  talking  about  the  virtues  of  their  respective  waters, 
nigh  upon  a  week  to  bore  the  hole  through  which  the  water 
now  bubbles  up  so  beautifully,  then  you  know  why  the  In- 
dians do  not  devote  themselves  to  getting  up  such  natural 
curiosities,  and  why  none  of  them  are  to  be  found  for  sale  at 
their  encampment.  I  hope,  at  no  distant  day,  to  be  able  to 
devote  more  time  to  the  medicinal  properties  of  this  spring 
than  I  am  now  able  to  give,  but  I  will  only  pause  to  say  that 
many  persons  drink  it  and  live  for  years  after. 

The  celebrated  "  Putnam  Spring  "  you  ought  to  be  famil- 
iar with.  It  is  frequently  mentioned  in  all  child's  histories 
of  the  United  States.  There  they  call  it  "Putnam's  Leap," 
and  say  it  was  accomplished  by  horse  power ;  but  any  other 
difference  is  not  worth  mentioning.  No  use  in  fooling  much 
time  away  over  this. 

The  "  Star  Spring "  is  a  powerful  stream  of  water,  and  is 
capable  of  unlimited  application  to  manufacturing  purposes. 
At  present,  however,  it  is  only  used  to  run  the  "  Star 
Mills." 

The  "  Geyser,"  or  Spouting  Spring,  is  so  called  to  dis- 
tinguish it  from  wine,  which  sometimes  acts  as  a  dis-guiser. 
This  remarkable  spring  shows  what  nature  can  do  when  she 
has  a  hydraulic  ram  at  her  back.  It  spouts  a  column  of 
water  into  the  air  through  a  flexible  rubber  hose  (rubber  had 
to  be  used,  as  all  the  leather  in  the  country  is  being  manu- 
factured into  trunk  straps)  2,099  feet  above  the  level  of  the 
eea.  As  Saratoga  itself  only  stands  2,096  feet  above  the  sea 
level,  a  very  slight  acquaintance  with  mathematics  will  ena- 
ble a  child  of  the  tenderest  years  and  most  sensitive  feelings 
to  ascertain  exactly  how  high  that  water  contrives  to  get  up 
in  the  world. 

The  "P^inpire"  is  probably  so  called  because  "westward 
the  course  of  empire  takes  its  way."  A  good  deal  goes  to 
the  back  settlements. 

The  "  Reed  Spring  " — I  don't  know  why  this  is  so  called, 


86  NO  SPRING  LIKE  THE  SPRING  OF  YOUTH. 


I 


unless  to  give  one  writing  of  the  "  Red  Spring  "  a  chance  to 
saj  that  one  is  the  past  participle  of  the  other,  which  I  shall 
immediately  proceed  to  do. 

The  "  Red  Spring "  is  the  past  participle  of  the  one  just 
before  mentioned.  This  spring  has  the  most  singular  taste  of 
any  spring  about  here.  A  hen  of  bad  reputation  took  a  jolt  at  it 
one  day,  and  immediately  remarked  that  she'd  been  caught 
that  way  before ;  that  it  wasn't  the  first  time  she  had  dipped 
into  a  stale  egg  by  mistake.  We  stopped  at  the  Red  Spring 
the  other  day  while  driving  past  it,  the  cashier,  myself,  and 
our  families ;  the  driver  urged  us  to.  My  friend  took  a  turn  at 
it,  and  at  once  offered  the  boy  ten  cents  if  he  wouldn't  bring 
him  any  more.  The  hackman  seemed  to  think  this  was  a 
reflection  on  the  spring,  and  launched  at  once  into  praise  of  its 
virtues.  He  informed  us  that  a  family  from  Savannah  came 
here,  all  badly  afflicted  cutaneously,  and  that  after  drinking 
the  waters  and  bathing  in  them  for  a  week  or  two,  their 
skins  were  as  soft  and  smooth  as  anybody's.  "  Bathed  in 
them  did  they  ?  that  accounts  for  it,"  said  Meeker ;  and  he 
hurried  that  hackman  away  before  the  boy  found  out  where 
his  ten  cents  was  coming  from  or  why  we  left  so  suddenly. 

The  "Washington  Spring"  is  so  called  because  it  never 
tells  a  lie.  You  can  rely  upon  it  with  the  same  certainty 
that  you  may  on  a  visit  from  the  tax  commissioner  or  a  call 
from  the  committee  when  a  new  school-house  is  to  be  built. 
And  it  possesses  several  valuable  business  qualities,  to  say 
nothing  of  its  medicinal  ones,  among  which  I  may  mention 
promptness  and  dispatch. 

The  "  Columbian  Spring  "  is  an  iron  one ;  there  is  a  good 
deal  of  spring  about  it,  considering  that  its  principal  element 
is  iron  instead  of  steel.  I'm  not  in  the  f oundery  line  myself, 
but  if  the  iron  must  enter  one's  soul,  I  can  conceive  of  no 
pleasanter  way  of  letting  it  enter. 

But  enough  of  these  springs.  Who  can  give  one  back  the 
spring  of  his  youth?  The  liver  of  his  adolesence?  The 
lights  of  other  days,  in  brief  ?  Give  me  back  but  that  one 
spring,  and  you  are  welcome  to  all  others. 


A  POEM  FOR  PADDING.  87 

In  response  to  the  request  that  I  write  something  to  fill 
out  this  chapter  nicely,  I  have  thrown  ofi"  the  following  verses 
— at  least  we'll  make  believe  so — at  Ballston,  but  I  call  them 

AT   THE   BALL! 

Is  the  ball  very  stupid,  ma  mignonne? 

Pauvre  petite,  you  look  ennuied  to  death — 
There  is  ^e/f — n'  est-ce pas?  Xn.  your  eje. 

And  a  soupgon  of  yawn  in  your  breath. 

Of  a  truth  it  is  stupid,  ma  mignonne; 

The  giver  is  wrinkled  and  gray  ! 
The  dances  are  older  than  Rome, 

And  the  dancers  as  well  are  passe. 

The  wine  that  they  give  us,  ma  mignonne, 

Is  but  tin  ordinaire  thin  and  poor, — 
It  comes  from  a  shop  in  Hue  Jacques, 

And  it  cost  but  ten  sous,  I  am  sure. 

There's  a  ghost  stirring  somewhere,  ma  mignonne ; 

The  lamps  all  burn  dimly  and  low, 
And  the  music  would  do  for  La  Morgue — 

AUons .'. . ,  .not  quite  yet. . .  .1  won't  go. 

Come  sit  on  this  fauteuil,  ma  mignonne, 

And  show  mc  the  make  of  that  glove. 
It  is  Jouvin,  I  think. . .  .now  you're  wicked  ! 

Reste  tranquille  uit  moment,  that's  a  love. 

Who  called  the  ball  stupid,  ma  mignonne  ? 

'Tis  the  best  we  have  had  for  a  week; 
The  dances  are  lively  enough, 

And  for  music — f  attends,  please  to  speak! 

One  glass  d  ta  sante,  ma  mignonne; 

On  the  rim  of  my  cap  print  a  kiss — 
Never  tell  me  again  of  Bordeaux  ; 

There's  no  red  wine  in  life  like  to  this  ! 

Who  said  lamps  burned  dimly,  ma  mignonne? 

Look,  the  salon  is  lighter  than  day — 
It  was  f4uecr,  to  find  fault  with  the  light! 

Not  enough  !  there's  too  much,  verity. 

At  what  time  did  ta  maman,  ma  mignonne, 

Suggest  that  the  carriage  should  call? 
Saxnte  Vierge  !  it  is  striking  the  hour — 

Do  you  wiah  to  go  home  from  the  ball? 


CHAPTER  XII. 

IN    WHICH    WE   SLIDE   FROM  AN   INQUIET  ABOUT  OLD  TOM  TO  THE 
DISCOMFORT   OF    LIVING  IN  A  WORLD   WHERE  THEY    HAVE  ICE. 

^^TTTIIO  is '  Old  Tom  ? ' "  asked  Mrs.  Spriggins.     I  repHed 
»  T     that  I  did  not  know,  and  asked  why  she  asked. 

"  Because,"  she  said,  "  when  Mr.  Spriggins  and  I  are 
sitting  on  the  piazza,  every  little  while  some  of  his  friends 
come  up  and  say  that  '  Old  Tom '  wants  to  see  him,  and  he 
gets  up  and  goes  off  looking  pleased,  and  comes  back  with 
his  face  shinier  than  ever  and  smelling  of  peppermint." 

Several  of  the  young  ladies  have  asked  me  if  there  is  a 
spring  away  off  on  the  far  piazza,  for  they  see  the  gentle- 
men wiping  their  mouths  when  they  come  back  from  a 
promenade  there. 

This  morning  the  Sprigginses  were  down  to  breakfast 
later  than  usual,  and  there  was  a  difference  in  the  order  of 
their  arrival.  Usually  Mr.  Spriggins  frisks  in  first,  in  a  sort 
of  I-pay-for-this  style,  and  Mrs.  Spriggins,  leading  the  little 
Spriggins  by  the  hand,  follows  with  the  grace  and  dignity 
of  a  Christian  mother  conscious  of  trying  to  do  her  duty  and 
satisfied  with  the  way  her  back  hair's  done  up.  But  this 
morning  Mrs.  Spriggins  led  the  van,  with  the  injured  air  of 
a  person  who  pays  taxes  and  is  not  allowed  to  vote,  and  Mr. 
Spriggins  followed  after  with  his  head  down  on  the  floor,  as 
though  hunting  for  something  he'd  lost ;  and  his  hair  was 
thinner  than  usual — looked  as  though  the  moths  had  got  in 
it  during  the  night.     And  he  didn't  seem  to  want  anything 


SPRIGGINS'S  EXPERIENCES  WITH  OLD  TOM.  89 

for  breakfast  but  pickles ;  and  when  Mrs.  Spriggins  got 
through  she  didn't  wait  for  him  as  usual,  but  just  clawed 
bold  of  the  little  Spriggins  and  sailed  out  of  the  room  like  a 
seraph  sliding  down  a  Riverdale  hill  on  a  shingle — you'd 
bave  thought  she  was  getting  away  from  something 
matching. 

"  The  fact  of  it  is,  my  boy,"  (this  is  what  Mr.  Spriggins 
said  to  me  after  breakfast,  confidentially)  "  there's  no  manner 
of  use  in  those  newspapers  agoing  on  and  discussing  whether 
or  not  Old  Tom  Gin  will  intoxicate,  for  I've  tried  it.  I  never 
could  drink  over  a  gallon  of  anything  without  feeling  it,  and 
you  needn't  tell  me  that  Old  Tom  won't  set  a  fellow  up  if  he 
takes  enough  of  it,  even  if  it  does  mix  better  with  Congress 
water  than  some  other  drinks.  You  see  a  good  many  of  the 
boys  got  around  yesterday  and  kept  looking  towards  me,  and 
of  course  I  had  to  look  towards  them,  too,  and  what  with 
turning  my  head  round  so  much  I  got  so  confused  after 
awhile  that  one  of  them  went  home  with  me,  and  when  we 
got  about  where  I  thought  the  room  was,  he  put  his  head  in 
to  ask  if  Mrs.  Spriggins  lived  there,  and  the  rest  of  him  dis- 
appeared kind  o'  suddent,  as  though  something  took  hold  of 
it. 

""When  he  came  out  he  said  he  thought  there  must  be  a 
mistake  somewhere,  that  he'd  accidentally  stirred  up  the 
nest  of  a  female  threshing-machine,  disturbed  the  old  bird 
while  she  was  busy  hatching,  or  something.  She's  little  but 
she's  amazing  powerful,  Mrs.  Spriggins  is,  and  she  thought 
it  was  me  she  was  yanking.  I  didn't  sleep  much  last  night, 
for  she'd  a  good  deal  to  say  that  she  thought  'd  be  interest- 
ing to  me ;  and  you  mayn't  have  noticed  it  much,  but  she's 
got  a  way  of  fixing  a  fellow's  attention  when  she  sets  out 
that's  surprising,  and  she  gives  you  nothing  but  facts,  either. 
She's  aitch  and  re])eat  on  facts,  Mrs.  Spriggins  is." 

Passing  the  barber's  shop  just  now  I  saw  Spriggins  in 
there  having  his  head  shampooed;  it's  the  third  time  he  has 
gone  through  that  to-day,  and  I  guess  he'll  feel  better  by 


90  HOW  MEN  OUGHT  TO  LOAD. 

and  bj.  You  see  the  trouble  with  Spriggins  is  that  he  can't 
hold  much  anyway  and  doesn't  know  when  he's  full.  Most 
men  are  muzzle-loaders,  and  very  like  guns  ;  some  can  burn 
a  good  deal  of  powder  comfortably,  and  others  can't ;  some 
take  five  drams  without  winking,  and  others  kick  up  a  thun- 
dering fuss  with  one  in  them. 

If  a  man  doesn't  know  when  he's  got  enough  and  will 
drink,  the  better  way  is  to  carry  a  "  charger  "  in  his  pocket 
and  load  by  that ;  guessing  by  "  fingers-full "  won't  do.  Even 
then  one  wouldn't  be  safe  unless  he  evened  the  measure  off 
every  time  with  a  straight  edge.  The  better  plan,  after  all, 
is  to  do  as  I  do — stick  to  Congress  water,  the  beverage 
which  neither  cheers  nor  inebriates.  Failing  this,  putting  up 
at  a  Holly-tree  cofiee-house  strikes  me  as  sensible.  I  notice 
that  they  are  establishing  these  beneficent  institutions  in  all 
parts  of  the  country.  Saratoga  is  irrigated  by  Holly  water 
works,  but  the  ladies  of  the  village  have  not  moved  in  the 
matter  of  coffee-houses  yet.  Of  course  they'll  lend  a  hand 
to  the  good  work  in  time,  and 

"  When  lovely  woman  stoops  to  " — Holly 

in  this  vicinity,  I  shall  become  a  patron  of  the  institution — a 
permanent  boarder,  notwithstanding  my  previously  expressed 
prejudices  against  all  boarding  houses. 

You  see  a  m'an  of  my  age  must  sleep  occasionally,  and 
ever  since  the  rheumatism  struck  my  other  knee,  and  extra 
flannel  became  necessary,  I've  made  it  my  practice  to  retire 
early  ;  not  that  I'm  bashful  about  showing  my  prehensile 
features  in  the  parlors,  but  I  don't  exactly  thirst  to  exhibit 
my  "  liniments "  miscellaneously.  Well,  by  the  time  I've 
got  soaked  and  swathed  and  packed  comfortably  away  like  a 
croton  bug  in  fresh  country  butter,  the  band  begins  to  play 
right  under  me.  It's  a  good  band,  a  nice  band,  but  an 
elderly  gentleman,  with  his  interest  powerfully  excited  about 
Bleep,  and  able  to  travel,  would  get  up  and  hire  a  pair  of 
horses  and  drive  off  a  hundred  miles  or  so  on  the  Ballston 
road  to  get  away  from  even  Gideon's  Band.  However,  you 
know  that  Heaven  will  bless  if  mortals  will  be  kind,  and  that 


AN  IMPENDIKG  TKAUEDY. 


MUSIC  NOT  HEAVENLY  MADE.  91 

at  some  period  of  his  natural  life  the  breath  of  the  best 
bassoon  must  give  out.  So  you  lie  awake  and  trust  to  Prov- 
idence and  apoplexy.  By  and  by  the  trombone  lets  down  a 
bit  and  the  fellow  on  the  flute  weakens,  and  you  begin  to 
think  that  school's  about  out.  Then  the  band  across  the  way 
begins ;  my  good  friend  Gilraore  comes  in  with  his  anvil- 
chorus  and  fires  off  a  few  colurabiads  on  the  sidewalk ;  but 
you  call  to  mind  how  lightning  struck  the  Boston  Coliseum, 
and  fall  back  on  the  recollection  that  it  looked  black  in  the 
west  when  you  came  up  to  bed. 

By  and  by  you  get  softly  up,  steal  quietly  to  your  trunk, 
unpack  your  Ballard  rifle  from  its  case,  rapidly  but  careful 
not  to  break  anything,  and  slide  the  muzzle  out  of  the  win- 
dow without  any  attempt  at  ostentation.  Just  as  you've  got 
the  bald  spot  on  the  top  of  Gilmore's  head  well  covered,  and 
are  wondering  whether  or  not  he  will  be  able  to  get  himself 
roofed  over  again  without  going  on  to  Boston  for  it,  his 
baton  falls  for  the  last  time,  like  a  benediction,  and  you  go 
back  to  bed,  happy  in  the  thought  of  having  saved  a 
cartridge.  Then  the  young  lady  in  the  next  room,  who  has 
a  piano,  comes  skipping  up  the  stairs  with  the  wild  grace 
and  gentle  footsteps  of  a  Texas  steer ;  one  of  the  airs  the 
band  played  struck  her  fair  and  fragile  fancy,  and  she  wishes 
to  play  it.  She  plays  it  on  you,  so  to  speak.  Until  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning  she  just  claws  that  ivory  and  howls 
like  a  lunatic  under  a  full  moon.  But  at  last  even  she  stops. 
By  the  shower  of  hair-pins  on  the  floor  it  is  evident  that 
she's  taking  down  licr  hair  for  the  night,  and  you  return  to 
its  sheath  the  scalping-knife  which  you  had  drawn  with  a 
dim  idea  of  going  in  to  assist  her  'in  undressing. 

Now  it's  tliree  o'clock,  and  you  think  it  won't  be  absolutely 
necessary  to  kill  anybody  before  daybreak.  But  just  as  you 
get  asleep,  tliere's  a  smash  and  crash  on  the  sidewalk  under 
your  window,  and  you  jump  up  and  look  out  to  see  which 
chimney  has  fallen  down.  It's  only  the  iceman,  who  has 
dumped  a  load,  ten  tons  or  so  of  congelation,  and  you  retire, 
satisfied  that  patient  prayer  is  a  powerful  purchase.     But 


92  AN  ICE  TIME  GENERALLY. 

hark !  the  heavy  sound  breaks  in  once  more,  and  nearer, 
clearer,  deadlier  than  before.  Did  you  not  hear  it?  no; 
'twas  not  the  wind  nor  the  horse-car  rattling  o'er  the  stony 
street,  because  they  have  no  horse-cars  in  Saratoga;  this 
noise  can  be  nothing  short  of  an  earthquake ;  you  are  posi- 
tive on  this  point,  but  feel  it  your  duty  to  jump  up  and  look 
out  and  see  if  anybody's  left  alive.  It's  another  iceman  who 
has  just  dumped  a  bigger  load  under  your  window. 

From  now  until  breakfast  time  more  icemen  than  you 
thought  could  be  found  in  the  whole  known  world  seem  to 
have  forsaken  their  wives  and  children,  neglected  their 
religious  duties,  abandoned  their  morning  devotions  and 
drinks,  for  the  sole  purpose  of  doing  nothing  but  dump  ice 
under  your  window.  What  wonder  that  you  now  give  up 
all  thought  of  sleep,  lose  your  interest  in  earthly  things,  and, 
with  the  resigned  expression  of  a  blue-fish  when  he  discovers 
that  he  has  no  longer  any  business  in  the  water  and  becomes 
madly  bent  on  getting  into  the  boat,  turn  with  eager  longing 
to  a  contemplation  of  that  world  where  the  provisions  of  the 
day  are  not  gotten  in  quite  so  early  in  the  morning,  and  the 
weary  are  not  at  all  disturbed  by  the  rattling  of  ice — not 
much ! 

How  they  can  use  so  much  ice  in  such  weather  it  is  hard 
to  conceive,  for  the  oldest  inhabitant  declares  that  he  can 
remember  no  such  weather  as  we've  had  for  some  days  past. 
I  had  determined  that  when  those  excellent  but  slightly 
bibulous  gentlemen,  the  proprietors  of  this  hotel,  informed 
me  that  a  change  of  room  was  inevitable,  I  would  suggest  to 
them  that  the  wine  room  would  suit  me  about  as  well  as  any ; 
but  of  late  the  engine  room  has  been  my  fondest  aspiration. 
And  there  is  not  the  wide  difference  between  these  rooms 
that  you'd  think  at  the  first  jolt,  for  a  pretty  full  head  of 
steam  can  be  got  up  in  either,  and  one  is  quite  as  instrumen- 
tal in  "  elevating  "  guests  as  the  other. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

ONE  REASON  OTHER   THAN  THE   COOLNESS   OF  THE  SEASON  FOR  SO 
FEW  BEING  m  SARATOGA  IN  THE  SUMMER  OF  '73. 

THE  hotels  do  not  fill  up  with  that  rapidity  which  would 
be  gratifying  to  the  proprietorial  eye.  There  is  a  dis- 
position to  blame  the  backwardness  of  the  season  for  it  all, 
and  it  is  prophesied  that  if  this  July  is  typical  of  Julys  to 
come,  tourists  will  go  South  to  spend  their  summers.  It  has 
certainly  been  very  cool,  and  the  Yonkers  people,  after  shiv- 
ering around  in  their  overcoats  for  a  week  or  two,  left  for 
home  some  time  ago.  At  no  time  since  I  have  been  here 
have  I  found  an  overcoat  necessary.  But  you  must  under- 
stand that  the  Yonkers  people  are  so  accustomed  to  broiling 
on  their  side-hills,  that  they  become  as  disconsolate  when 
they  get  away  from  them  as  we  may  imagine  St.  Lawrence 
to  have  l>een  without  his  gridiron,  after  he  got  used  to  it. 

There  is  a  story  told  of  a  Yonkers  man  who  died  and 
went — well,  where  any  one  deserves  to  go  who  takes  up  his 
earthly  dwelling  at  Yonkers  when  he  could  just  as  well  reside 
at  Riverdale,  as  the  Master  of  Ceremonies  very  justly 
remarked  on  looking  over  the  register.  The  warmest  corner, 
in  the  sunny  angle  of  the  Pit,  was  assigned  to  this  Yonkers 
man,  but  he  very  soon  l)egan  to  complain  of  the  cold,  and 
asked  permission  to  send  for  his  overcoat.  Permission  was 
grunted,  for  they  knew  he  must  be  miserable.  So  it  is  little 
to  be  wondered  at  that  the  Yonkers  delegation  didn't  like 


94       WHY  SO  FEW  HEADS  OF  FAMILIES  WERE  AT  SARATOGA. 

the  cool,  bracing  weather  that  we  had  through  the  greater 
part  of  last  month. 

But  to  the  weather  alone  should  not  be  ascribed  all  the 
blame  and  shame  of  the  scarcity  of  visitors  this  season.  One 
reason,  perhaps,  of  there  not  being  a  greater  rush  is  the 
feeling  the  villagers  have  in  the  Walworth  matter.  Easy 
enough  to  imagine  the  objection  which  the  head  of  a  family 
naturally  has  to  bringing  his  children  where  it  might  become 
impressed  upon  them  that  under  any  possible  combination  of 
circumstances  they  would  be  doing  a  meritorious  action  in 
killino-  him.  Let  me  premise  that  I  like  the  residents  of 
Saratoga  very  much  ;  in  the  main  I  find  them  a  law-abiding, 
water-drinking,  church-going.  Great  Moral  Organ-\)Vifm^ 
people.  They  have  not  given  as  many  parties  in  my  honor, 
perhaps,  as  they  should  have  given  ;  it  may  be  that  they  have 
not  come  forward  to  offer  me  the  use  of  their  horses  and 
carriages  for  drives  to  the  lake  quite  so  freely  as  would  have 
been  gratifying  to  one  so  constitutionally  opposed  to  walking 
and  so  morally  set  against  hiring  teams  as  I  am.  Still,  they 
have  my  esteem  and  respect. 

When  I  can  make  a  living  nowhere  else,  I  am  determined 
to  come  here  and  settle — possibly  start  a  newspaper.  Judson 
and  Eitchie  both  tell  me  that  this  is  what  they  came  to,  and 
I  may  have  to  come  to  it  yet.  I'd  not  be  afraid  to  trust 
myself  among  the  Saratogians. 

But  in  the  matter  of  this  Walworth  affair  I  scarcely  think 
the  Saratogian  head  is  level.  On  talking  with  very  many 
villagers  I  find  the  prevailing  sentiment  to  be  that  Frank 
Walworth  has  been  too  severely  punished  for  a  comparatively 
trivial  offense — a  mere  boyish  folly,  as  it  were.  Understand, 
I  start  in  with  no  sentimental  prejudices  on  the  subject. 
There  is  a  deal  of  cant  about  what  one  owes  to  "  the  author 
of  his  being,"  and  all  that,  which  won't  hold  water.  It  has 
never  been  clear  to  my  mind  that  simply  to  have  been  the 
author  of  one's  being  gives  an  exaggerated  claim  upon  that 
being's  love  and  reverence,  unless  there  are  other  conditions. 
Bringing  the  thing  down  to  a  point  not  microscopically  fine, 


WHAT  WE  OWE  TO  THE  AUTHORS  OF  OUR  BEING.  95 

it  would  ppobably  turn  out  that  the  elder  Mr.  Wiggins  had 
the  younger  Mr,  Wiggins  very  little  in  contemplation  until 
the  younger  Mr.  Wiggins  became  an  established  fact. 

Starting  with  the  orthodox  proposition  alone  that  existence 
entails  upon  one  innumerable  chances  of  damnation,  I  do 
not  know  that  existence  in  itself  may  be  considered  a  boon 
for  the  bestowal  of  which  any  claim  for  gratitude  could  be 
made  to  lie.  True,  the  Orientals  have  a  superstitious  rev- 
erence for  parents,  simply  because  they  are  parents,  and 
there  is  no  reason  to  suppose  that  a  celebrated  city  in  the 
East  took  its  name  from  the  off-hand  reply  of  a  young  man 
who,  starting  off  with  a  gun  on  his  shoulder,  and  being  asked 
where  he  was  going,  replied : — "  Oh,  only  to  bag  Dad,"  as 
though  it  were  common  thus  to  make  game  of  one's  begetter. 
The  Orientals  seldom  murder  their  parents,  which  is  not  the 
only  respect  in  which  they  differ  from  us  of  the  West,  but 
they  are  heathen,  remember.  For  my  part,  unless  love  and 
care  be  bestowed  upon  the  child,  unless  there  be  more  mother- 
hood and  fatherhood  displayed  than  the  simple  bringing  into 
the  world  involves,  I  do  not  think  that  much  filial  feelin<r 
can  be  looked  for.  So  you  see  I  do  not  start  in  with  over- 
whelming sentimental  bias. 

But  dismissing  the  relation  of  father  and  son  altogether, 
throwing  it  out  of  consideration  as  having  no  connection 
with  the  case  at  issue,  it  seems  to  me  to  have  been  prettv 
clearly  demonstrated  that  it  would  not  be  judicious  to  have  a 
young  man  bo  excitable  in  temper,  so  swift  to  plan,  so  prompt 
to  execute,  so  handy  with  a  pistol,  so  remarkably  set  in  his 
way  as  the  younger  Mr.  Walworth  proved  himself,  circu- 
lating around.  Beyond  writing  an  incalculable  quantity  of 
unmitigated  trash,  I  do  not  see  that  the  elder  Mr.  Walworth 
did  anything  that  deserved  the  death  penalty. 

What  seems  to  have  aggravated  Mr.  Warwick  Walworth's 
offense  was  being  the  father  of  the  offended  party.  Now 
the  fact  of  fathership  should  not  be  permitted  as  a  plea  in 
mitigation  of  a  son's  righteous  rage,  perhaps,  but  I  question 
whether  it  should  be  thrown  plump  into  the  opposite  scale 
and  permitted  to  weigh  too  heavily  against  one. 


96  BENEFICIAL  EFFECTS  OF  THE  GALLOWS. 

I  base  my  opposition  to  the  Saratoga  sentiment  on  this 
proposition  mainly  : — If  every  man  set  out  to  kill  the  man  or 
men  whom  he  thought  deserved  killing,  the  population  of 
this  world  would  be  so  materially  lessened  as  to  be  scarcely 
worth  speaking  about.  I  can  count  on  the  one  hand  very 
many  men  who,  I  really  think,  in  the  best  interests  of  so- 
ciety, should  be  killed ;  I  could  count,  on  the  other  hand — 
and  if  it  had  twice  as  many  fingers  could  probably  occupy 
them  all — quite  as  many  men  who  perhaps  think,  conscien- 
tiously, that  my  existence  is  a  blot  upon  humanity,  and  that 
I  were  better  "  wiped  out."  Remove  the  fear  of  punish- 
ment and  it  would  become  on  both  sides  simply  a  question  of 
who  could  start  in  first.  The  victims  of  my  virtuous  wrath 
would  have  been  piled  mountain  high  long  ere  this,  had  I 
given  the  rein  to  the  impulse  of  the  moment — I  mean,  had  I 
yielded  to  all  the  attacks  of  "  emotional  insanity  "  I've  had. 
But  the  gallows  looming  darkly  in  the  background  has  always 
exercised  a  sort  of  repressing  influence  on  me — kept  me 
sane,  as  it  were. 

And  I  am  glad  of  it,  for,  in  consequence,  scores  of  men 
whom  1  otherwise  would  have  killed  without  any  discussion 
of  their  desert — discussion  with  them,  I  mean — have  been  per- 
mitted to  live  and  prove  to  me  that  they  did  not  need  killing 
after  all.  Had  1  blazed  away  in  the  first  white  heats  of  my 
wrath,  I  would  have  had  to  pass  the  balance  of  my  life  (had 
I  got  ofi^  with  solitary  confinement,  that  is)  in  writing  eulo- 
gistic obituaries  of  my  victims,  in  the  light  of  subsequent 
events  which  cleared  their  characters.  Not  the  least  disad- 
vantage of  killing  people  you  are  angry  with  is  the  impossi- 
bility of  correcting  the  mistake  if  you  afterward  find  out  you 
have  made  one.  Apologies,  remorse,  grief,  wails,  and  a  pen- 
sion to  the  family  bereaved,  fall  very  unmindedly  on  the 
"  dull,  cold  ear  of  death." 

Because  I  did  not  think  it  worth  while  to  take  the  fact  of 
the  murdered  man  being  the  father  of  the  murderer  into 
account  in  my  review  of  this  case,  do  not  think  that  I  hold 
fathers  in  disesteem  as  a  class.  True,  they  are  guilty  of 
strange  neglects  of  our  interests  at  times.     I  find  it  necessary 


MY  FATHER'S  SPECULATION'.  97 

to  summon  all  my  Christian  charity  to  enable  me  to  forgive 
my  father  for  not  having  purchased  a  few  hundred  acres  of 
land  in  the  environs  of  JS^ew  York  City  forty-odd  years  ago, 
instead  of  buying  an  incalculable  quantity  of  equal!}'  sterile 
soil  in  the  far  north  of  the  State,  where  the  wolves  were 
howhng  and  still  howl,  and  probably  ever  will  howl,  for 
anything  save  a  howling  wilderness  never  can  it  be.  And 
while  property  about  the  city  has  advanced  right  briskly, 
that  to  which  1  refer  has  retrograded,  is  M'orth  actually  less 
than  it  was  when  originally  purchased,  for  then  a  good  many 
persons  in  quest  of  homes  knew  no  better  than  to  go  and  live 
there  ;  but  now,  what  with  free-schooling,  and  railroads,  and 
telegraphs,  and  Parker  Guns,  and  breech-loading  inventions 
generally,  to  say  nothing  of  the  advice  sown  broadcast, 
they  know  enough  to  "  go  West  and  buy  a  farm,"  choosing 
a  cliance  of  being  scalped  rather  than  the  dead  certainty  of 
starvation. 

But  we  should  forgive  our  fathers  for  all  their  failings, 
remembering  that  they  were  not  born  so  late  in  the  age  as 
we,  and  had  not  the  advantages  which  we  enjoy.  I  don't 
believe  your  father  cut  his  teeth  on  a  rubber  ring,  for 
instance  ;  he  probably  had  the  hook  from  an  ox-chain,  a  hoe- 
liandle,  or  something  of  that  kind. 

One  thing  has  always  seemed  strange  to  me,  by  the  way — 
that  all  the  sentiment  of  song  should  treacle  for  mamma,  and 
not  one  bit  of  sugar  for  the  other  party,  I  don't  object  to  a 
good  deal  being  done  in  a  praiseful  way  for  "  Mother,"  but  I 
agree  with  the  impartial  critic  who  remarked  that  the  old 
gentleman  ought  to  have  a  show  occasionally.  13e  mine  the 
task  to  put  in  a  lyric  word  for  "the  old  man."  I  contribute 
these  verses  to  literature  not  to  show  that  I  can  do  one  thing 
as  well  as  another,  turn  off  a  ]t<»eni  as  easily  as  an  agricultu- 
ral csi^ay  ;  not  with  any  intention  to  snatch  the  wreaths  from 
Bryant's  brow  or  rob  Longfellow  of  his  laurels  (though  if 
critics  will  draw  comi)arisons,  hold  me  not  to  blame  if  they 
turn  in  mj'  favf)r);  but  I  simply  sling  these  verses  at  your 
licad,  good  reader,  in   a  Iceblc  endeavor  to  do  justice  to  a 

much  neglected  body  of  our  fellow-citizens : — 

7 


Q3  A  PLEA  FOR  "THE  OLD  MAN." 

MY  FATHER. 

Who  hailed  me  first  with  rapturous  joy, 

And  did  not  fret  and  feel  annoy 

When  the  nurse  said  :  Why  !  she's  a  boy ! 

My  Father. 
Who  gave  that  nurse  a  half-a-crown, 
To  let  him  hold  me — awkward  clown. 
Of  course  he  held  me  upside  down  ? 

My  Father. 
Who  ne'er  to  cut  my  hair  did  try- 
Jabbing  the  scissors  in  my  eye. 
And  cutting  every  hair  awry  ? 

My  Father. 
Who  set  me  in  the  barber's  chair 
Instead,  and  had  him  cut  my  hair 
Like  my  big  brother's,  good  and  square  ? 

My  Father. 

Who  when  I  had  a  little  fight 
Because  Tom  tore  my  paper  kite 
And  bit  me,  said  I  did  just  right? 

My  Father. 
Who  when  Tom  licked  me  black  and  blue 
Did  not  turn  in  and  lick  me,  too — 
Saying  "  'Tis  my  duty  so  to  do  ?  " 

My  Father. 
Who  told  me  pluck  and  luck  must  win. 
And  taught  me  to  "  put  up  a  fin," 
Till  I  could  trounce  that  Tom  like  sin? 

My  Father. 
Who  pennies  ne'er  refused  to  plank, 
Nor  dropped  them  in  that  mimic  "Bank" 
Where  I  could  only  hear  them  clauk  ? 

My  Fatlier. 

Who  when  I  wished  to  buy  a  toy 

Ne'er  thought  'twould  give  me  much  more  joy 

To  send  tracts  to  some  heathen  boy  ? 

My  Father. 
Who  bought  me  ponies,  guns,  and  sich, 
And  gave  me  leave  to  fork  and  pitch. 
While  he  raked  up  to  make  me  rich  ? 

My  Father. 
And  who  at  last,  when  all  was  done, 
Passed  in  his  checks,  and,  noble  one, 
Left  all  he  had  to  me,  his  son  ? 

My  Father. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

JIOSTLT  ABOUT  A  CHILD  GENIUS,  BUT  MIXED  WITH   A   MENTION  OF 

OTHER  GENIUSES. 

WHILE  we  were  sitting  in  the  parlor,  this  forenoon,  a 
table  was  brought  in  "  all  of  a  snddent,"  and  a  cloth 
spread  on  it.  The  impression  on  all  sides  was  that  we  were 
going  to  have  something  good  to  eat  between  meals  ;  bnt  this 
was  soon  dissipated  bj  the  introduction  of  a  "  Child  Genius, 
only  eight  years  old."  Had  I  had  the  least  idea  of  what  was 
coming,  there'd  have  been  one  more  seat  for  some  aged  lady 
who  doesn't  like  standing  np  ;  but  they  were  too  quick  for 
me.  The  idea  of  lunch  beguiled  me  into  inactivity,  and  the 
foe  was  on  me  ere  I  could  fly.  Our  "  Child  Genius"  leaped 
upon  the  tabic  as  actively  and  appropriately  as  a  shrimp,  and 
was  tearing  away  at  a  mad  rate  through  a  scene  from  "  Julius 
Caesar  "  before  anybody  could  stop  him. 

His  father  stood  near,  and  I  at  first  thought  of  stepping  up 
and  telling  him  I  knew  what  would  cure  his  little  boy,  if  he'd 
try  it  in  time,  but  on  discovering  that  he  was  an  aider  and 
abetter  of  the  j>erformance  I  refrained.  His  side  remarks  of 
"  Louder,"  "  Look  this  way,"  "Stick  your  left  foot  forward 
more,"  showed  who  was  to  blame  for  it  all. 

"  Hemarkable  in  a  boy  only  eight  years  old,"  said  a  lady 
near  me. 

"  Not  only  remarkable,  madam,  but  very  much  to  l)e 
regretted,"  I  felt  like  answering.  And  the  parent  went  on 
to  explain  that  the  child  had  had  no  dramatic  teaching  or 
training.     This  may  be  so  ;  but  that  any  child  could  so  per- 

99 


100  A  CHILD  GENIUS. 

fectly  succeed  in  catching  the  worst  intonations  of  all  the  bad 
actors  I  remember  to  have  heard,  the  most  stagy  manner  of 
the  stage,  without  having  it  drummed  into  him,  I  can  scarcely 
believe.  If  a  human  creature  can  rant  so  at  eight  years  of 
age,  what  in  the  name  of  half  the  gods  of  all  the  galleries 
will  he  not  do  at  twenty-five  ?  Well  may  one  stand  aghast 
at  the  thought. 

Several  readings  from  Shakespeare,"  Betsy  and  I  are  Out " 
— and  the  performance  was  ended  ?  No ;  the  parent  announced 
that  the  Child  Genius  would  now  go  round  with  a  hat.  And 
when  tlie  Child  Genius  returned  with  a  hat  full  of  stamps, 
after  making  a  tour  of  the  room,  his  parent  and  proprietor 
pointed  out  two  or  three  little  girls  in  a  corner  who  had 
escaped  not  the  visitation  but  the  hat.  Thus  is  the  soul  of 
a  Child  Genius  attuned  to  business  as  well  as  art.  And  the 
announcement  was  made  by  the  begetter  of  the  Child  Genius 
that  it  would  have  a  testimonial  next  evening  at  a  neighbor- 
ing hotel — tickets  one  dollar  each. 

"  Well,  I  saw  fonr  men,  yesterday,  living  on  two  poor 
little  birds,"  said  a  lady  who  had  called  my  attention  the  day 
before  to  a  canary  exhibition,  "  but  this  beats  that." 

The  influence  on  children,  let  me  remark,  is  not  what  one 
would  wish.  "  Do  you  know,  papa,  I  think  I  could  get  up 
on  the  table  and  speak  a  piece,"  said  Paulina  to  me  when  the 
Child  Genius  got  down. 

"  If  you  think  you  could,  Paulina,  just  try  it,"  I  remarked, 
with  the  gesture  of  one  who  takes  a  child  upon  his  knee — 
but  not  to  pat  its  head.  And  the  young  lady  didn't  think 
she  could  then,  but  just  went  off  to  her  dolls,  balloons,  broken 
pieces  of  glass,  and  other  playthings,  quite  contented  and 
happy. 

At  school  or  out  at  play  the  Child  Genius  ought  to  be,  and 
not  wasting  his  young  life  the  country  over  in  giving  unnat- 
ural recitations  of  readings  beyond  his  comprehension  in  the 
manner  of  the  worst  dramatic  school.  The  begetter  of  Child 
Geniuses  most  of  all,  ought  to  be  in  better  business,  too. 
And  that's  the  truth  of  it.     Now  I'm  not  sure  that  what  I've 


SOME  WHO  ARE  AT  SARATOGA.  101 

written  will  be  reproduced  among  tlie  other  "Good  "Words 
for  '  Little  Ollie,'  "  but  if  that  young  gentleman  only  knew 
it,  I've  proved  myself  within  the  last  Hve  minutes  his  best 
friend. 

Perhaps  you  would  like  to  know  who  is  at  Saratoga. 
Well,  the  fat  dowager  with  a  red  turban  is  here; — she  always 
is.  She  is  accompanied  by  her  two  daughters — relative  ages 
thirty  and  thirty-five — whom  she  calls  "girls."  The  "girls" 
would  like  to  hunt  in  couples,  but  the  dowager  never  trusts 
them  far  from  her  side.  She  has  a  holy  horror  of  young 
men.  She  has  no  idea,  she  says,  of  trusting  those  innocent 
lambs  of  hers  among  wolves.  And  yet  1  think  such  tough 
mutton  as  that  might  stray  most  any  distance  from  the  fold, 
M'ithout  coming  to  material  harm.  However,  when  a  breeze 
of  broadcloth  ripples  the  piazza,  the  "  girls  "  square  away  to 
get  M-ithin  its  bracing  influence,  but  the  dowager  brings  them 
to  with  a  round  "  Come  here,  ni}'-  dears,"  and  the  poor  "  girls  " 
have  straightway  to  back  their  topsails  and  anchor  under  her 
ponderous  lee. 

And  Laura  Matilda  is  here.  You  remember  her,  of  course, 
for  we've  met  her  everywhere.  She  was  at  the  Mulligan  ball, 
and  I  have  a  distinct  recollection  of  seeing  her  on  some  fish 
ing  excursion.  Ilcr  dress  and  conversation  are  the  same  as 
ever.  She  still  wears  her  hair  in  ringlets,  nor  has  she  yet 
dispen.sed  with  that  "  side  curl,"  so  suggestive  of  mouth- 
moistened  fingers.  1  asked  her  last  night  how  she  liked  Sara- 
toga, and  she  said  "  It  is  nice," — the  same  reply  that  slie 
made,  if  memory  serves  me  rightly,  when  you  asked  her 
opinion  of  tlie  Evangelical  Alliance. 

I  think  that  Laura  Matilda  has  a  matrimonial  haven  in 
view,  just  now.  She  is  certainly  heading  very  steadily  that 
way,  and  unless  an  adverse  wind  comes  up  I  guess  she'll 
make  it.  You  remember  that  clerk  in  a  retail  dry-goods 
store  down  town  ;  he  wears  a  brilliant  buzzum-pin  and  lias 
an  off-hand  way  in  dealing  with  ladies  that  proves  him  to  be 
accustomed  to  good  society.  Well,  1  suspect  him  as  the 
man. 


102  MORE  WHO  ARE  AT  SARATOGA. 

While  talking  to  the  young  lady  last  evening  I  noticed 
that  her  eyes  quivered  about  the  room  like  the  needle  of  a 
disturbed  compass,  and  then  pointed  as  steadily  in  one  direc- 
tion as  that  needle,  when  at  rest,  does  to  the  North,  Follow- 
ing the  direction  of  her  eyes,  I  saw  the  young  man  referred 
to  leaning  in  the  doorway  and  picking  his  teeth.  Laura 
Matilda  beckoned  to  him,  and  upon  his  joining  us  she  intro- 
duced me  to  him,  with  the  remark  that  I  was  a  special  friend 
of  hers  and  that  she  wanted  him  to  like  me.  He  talked  to 
me  in  a  patronizing  kind  of  a  way  for  a  few  minutes, 
inquired  if  I  intended  to  stay  long  at  the  Springs;  and  on  my 
replying  in  the  affirmative,  remarked  that  a  great  many 
stupid  people  were  here  now,  and  walked  off  with  his  hands 
in  his  pockets.  Laura  Matilda  asked  me  if  I  did  not  think 
he  had  very  easy  manners.  I  replied  I  thought  they  were 
remarkably  easy,  and  she  seemed  pleased.  The  match  comes 
off  either  after  the  fall  trade  opens,  or  just  before  the  spring 
trade  shuts — I  forget  which. 

Isabelle  is  here,  with  the  lai'ge  dark  eyes,  that  seem  half 
the  time  uncertain  whether  to  melt  with  love  or  flash  in 
anger.  It  has  always  been  my  opinion  that  the  strange 
fascination  which  surrounds  her  lurks  in  those  eyes  alone; 
they  keep  one  on  the  qui  vive  to  know  whether  he  is  on 
terms  of  peace  or  of  war  with  the  fair  owner.  She  is  a  very 
difierent  type  of  woman  from  her  Cousin  Mary.  Mary  is  a 
quiet,  gentle  girl ;  rather  retired  in  her  manners,  and  wears 
pearls,  while  Belle  wears  diamonds ;  she  is  engaged  to  a 
young  clergyman ;  he  seems  a  very  gentlemanly  fellow,  and 
if  the  short  cough  that  troubles  him  proves,  as  many  are  con- 
fident it  is,  simply  a  passing  irritation  of  the  throat,  and  not, 
as  I  fear  that  permanent  irritation  of  the  lungs,  commonly 
called  consumption,  they  will  probably  live  very  happily  in 
that  quiet  little  country  parsonage  up  in  Vermont. 

Young  Fitzfoodle  has  just  registered  for  a  room.  He  is 
in  fearfully  bad  form,  and  his  side  whiskers  never  before  had 
60  desponding  a  droop.  For  the  Imndreth  time  he  is  suffer- 
ino-  from  the  pangs  of  disappointed  affection.     That  young 


A  MEMORY  OF  FIRST  LOVE.  103 

man  can  stand  a  great  deal  of  that  sort  of  anguisli  and  still 
live.  At  present  lie  seems  to  meditate  vengeance  on  the  sex, 
and  I  rather  imagine  his  immediate  diabolical  designs  are 
npon  the  peace  of  a  pretty  milliner  who  came  in  on  the  same 
train.  She  will  fool  him  in  tui-n  and  then  he  will  be  done 
for.     No  refnge  for  him  after  that  bnt  the  Custom  Ilonse. 

Think  you  I  am  speaking  of  disappointed  aifection  and 
lacerated  bosoms  and  such  things  too  lightly?  Ah,  good 
friends,  I  know  how  it  is  myself;  I've  been  there.  But  1 
never  died  quite  as  much  as  I  thought  I  should  at  the  time  of 
it. 

Down  in  an  inner  pocket  of  that  valise  lies  a  perfumed  lit- 
tle glove  ;  years  have  fled  since  it  was  worn,  yet  the  scent  of 
the  rose-leaves  it  once  pressed  clings  to  it  still ;  you  might 
turn  each  of  its  fingers  wrong  side  out  and  discover  notliing 
therein — yet  that  little  glove  contains  the  history  of  a  life — • 
a  two-volume  romance  set  in  nonpareil  solid.  It  is  a 
memento  of  a  watering-place ;  it  tells  where  I  met  her  whom 
nature  seemed  to  have  cut  for  me,  in  the  great  primal  shuffle  ; 
and  a  postscript  in  the  thumb-lining  tells  how  I  came  to 
make  up  my  mind  that  somehow  there  was  a  misdeal  about 
it.  She  was  passionately  fond  of  music,  and  your  correspond- 
ent— though  he  hadn't  thought  of  it  before — suddenly  dis- 
covered that  he  "  had  an  ear  but  no  voice."  Subsequently 
lie  traveled  on  that  ear — slid  off  on  it,  so  to  speak,  with 
remarkable  velocity. 

Well,  from  long  metre  and  short  metre  the  transition  to- 
meet  her  by  moonlight  was  quite  natural.  In  the  course  of 
one  of  these  moonlight  meetings — it  was  in  June  ;  I  remem- 
})er  the  month  perfectly,  and  could  tell  you  the  day  were  it 
necessary — I  oflered  her  my  young  heart's  affections,  and  a 
ruby  ring  and  a  red  rose,  and  she — she  gave  me  that  glove 
you  see  there,  and  said  she'd  always  be  my  friend.  She' 
married  a  small  lawyer  in  the  southern  part  of  llliiinjs,  and 
has  nine  small  children  and  the  fever  and  ague — all  of  which 
is  quite  as  bad  as  it  would  have  been  to  have  had  me.  So  1 
forgive  her. 


104        A  DISTINGUISHED  GUEST  NOT  BEFORE  MENTIONED. 

Old  Iiidigobags  with  his  wife  and  daughters  occupies  rooms 
au  preniiire — the  best  in  the  house.  If  the  young  w^omeu 
sewed  for  a  living  their  hair  would  l3e  called  red  ;  as  it  is  peo- 
ple allude  to  it  as  auburn.  The  hen-pecked  husband,  who 
occupies  a  brown-stone  up  town  and  is  glad  to  regale  himself 
on  a  shilling  lunch  down  town,  has  just  arrived.  And 
Gustavus  Adolphus,  twirling  his  incipient  mustache  and 
looking,  if  possible,  more  like  a  fool  than  he  did  last  summer 
has  been  here  for  a  week. 

Now  you  know  who  our  standing  guests  are.  You  met 
the  same  ones  here  last  year,  and  you'll  meet  them  here  next. 
To  say  that  Nature  never  repeats  herself  is  to  say  what  is  not 
so.  She  issues  duplicates,  always,  and  in  the  matter  of 
watering-place  guests  casts  thousands  in  the  same  mold.  At 
the  present  moment  there  are  from  ten  to  twenty  thousand 
transient  visitors  in  Saratoga,  but  the  individuals  1  have  indi- 
cated are  the  types  of  all.  Perhaps  it  was  wrong  to  call 
them  publicly  by  name — they  may  not  like  it.  But  the 
Dowager  knows  that  she  is  fat ;  that  she  wears  a  turban  in 
•confounded  bad  taste  ;  and  that  she  calls  her  daughters  "girls  " 
when  they  were  both  women  twenty  years  ago.  Laura 
Matilda  may  dislike  to  be  thus  individualized,  but  she  knows 
that  her  ideas  of  bliss  are  bounded  by  a  ball-room,  and  that 
:she  is  destined  to  marry  that  young  counter-jumper.  In 
;short,  each  person  I  have  mentioned  knows  in  his  or  her  own 
lieart,  that  I  have  said  nothing  of  him  or  her  which  is  not 
;strictly  the  truth. 

Amid  all  the  mentionings,  I  have  as  yet  omitted  to  record 
the  presence  in  Saratoga  of  a  distinguished  author  and  finan- 
cier. Modesty  forbids  any  nearer  allusion,  but  those  who 
know  my  M^eight  can  give  a  pretty  good  guess  at  the  man's 
fsize.  How  persons  of  note  and  distinction  do  flock  in  now 
that  race-week  is  at  hand.  Besides  myself,  Fernando  Wood 
and  Ben  are  here.  Never  saw  I  brothers  more  different  in 
personnel  than  these  two.  Fernando  glides  about  with  the 
easy  grace  of  an  eel,  while  Ben  thrashes  about  like  a  big 
whale,  his  starboard  and  larboard  tins  all  working,  and  his 


RENOWNED  RAILROAD  RUNNERS.  105 

broad-brimmed  Panama  hat  set  back  on  his  head  like  a 
buggj-top  half  up.  The  leviathan  hull  of  Commodore  Gar- 
rison looms  up  in  the  corridors,  cleaving  the  billows  of  men 
with  that  noticeable  cutwater  of  his ;  his  boilers  hold  out 
remarkably  well.  John  Brougham  and  Geoi-ge  McLean, 
both  in  dock  for  repaii"s  (to  follow  up  the  steamship  simile) 
work  their  engines  under  slow  pressure,  strolling  around  arm 
in  arm  (as  steamships  very  frequently  do)  and  looking 
anxiously  at  their  watches  to  see  if  the  hours  have  arrived  at 
which  their  physicians  allow  them  one  milk  punch.  And 
I  am  here. 

Russell  Sage  is  here — on  business,  I  believe.  The  "  Cir- 
cular Railway  "  in  the  Indian  Encampment  is  said  to  be  a 
branch  of  the  Milwaukee  and  St.  Paul,  and  he  is  attending 
to  it,  trying  to  get  up  a  corner  and  get  somebody  to  go  in 
with  him,  they  say.  The  only  reasons  that  I  can  see  for 
thinking  it  a  branch  of  the  Milwaukee  and  St.  Paul  are  that 
it  starts  from  most  everywhere,  runs  all  around  itself,  ter- 
minates wherever  any  one  chooses  to  get  out,  and  never  pays 
any  dividends  when  its  earnings  are  largest,  and  one  man  runs  it 
as  uninterruptedly  and  unsuccessfully  as  though  he  owned  it 
all.  Then,  again,  some  think  it  is  a  branch  because  it  is, 
and  this,  perhaps,  is  a  better  reason  for  the  supposition  than 
any  that  I've  heretofore  given.  Its  paying  dividends,  say  its 
friends,  is  only  a  question  of  Thyme.  Without  being  herb- 
iverous  exactly,  I  incline  to  think  that  it  is  more  a  question 
of  Sage — that's   nearer   the    botanical   name  of  it,  at  least. 

Am  I  down  on  Sage,  you  ask.  Do  I  treasure  up  bitterness 
against  St.  Paul?  Nay.  But  speaking  of  Colley  Cibber, 
that  light  comedian  of  other  days  may  have  been  a  good 
stock  actor,  possibly  he  was  a  tolerable  judge  of  stock  com- 
panies, but  I  regret  to  say  that  as  regards  railway  corpora- 
tions and  stock  speciilations  his  head  was  far  from  level. 
Opening  liis  inspired  pages  one  day,  1  read: — 

"  Now,  by  St.  Paul,  tlic  work  goes  bravely  on  !  " 

Here's  wisdom,  said  I,  to  myself;     I  did  it.     From  that  day 


106  TOWS  AND  DOWS. 

on  the  stock  went  steadily  down.  It  may  be  said  tliat  I  am 
sufferinoj  from  a  decline.  How  mucli  below  the  centre  of 
gravity  it  will  eventually  go  is  known  only  to  him  who  runs 
the  machine. 

Sao-e  directeth  and  St.  Paul  watereth.  To  water  stock  is 
necessary  on  a  stock  farm,  but  I  question  if  it  be  wise  in 
running  a  railroad  to  water  anything  but  the  engine  and  per- 
liaps  the  track.  Ay  de  mi  Alhama.  The  apostles  were  cau- 
tioned against  taking  scrip  with  them  when  they  set  out  on 
a  journey,  and  beyond  doubt  St.  Paul  scrip  would  have  been 
a  hindrance  rather  than  a  help,  but  the  meekest  of  them 
could  scarce  have  refrained  from  using  a  staif  had  he  been  a 
stockholder.  A  sage  man  has  brought  St.  Paul  into  its 
troubles ;  I  fear  a  sage  femme  will  be  necessary  for  its 
delivery.  And  Tows  and  Dows  are  here,  of  the  Kock  Island 
road;  they  live  well,  these  railroad  fellows  do,  all  of  them. 

On  the  whole  I  guess  they're  rich,  and  it  sometimes  occurs 
to  me  that  I  have  helped  to  make  them  so.  It  may  be  a 
coincidence  simply,  but  I  have  noticed  that  whenever  it 
becomes  generally  understood  that  the  Kock  Island  Railroad 
is  going  to  divide  up  its  surplus,  and  I  buy  a  little  stock  on 
the  strength  of  it,  Tows  and  Dows  immediately  come  out  in 
new  clothes,  and  President  Tracy  rolls  about  the  street  with 
fresh  varnish  all  over  him,  looking  more  like  a  dissipated 
billiard-ball  than  ever.  No  trace  of  Tracy  does  my  fond  eye 
detect  in  the  teeming  corridors  of  this  hotel,  but 

I,  waking,  view  with  grief  the  towering  Tows, 
And  fondly  mourn  the  dear  delusion,  Dows. 

And  my  soul  saddens  within  me  as  I  turn  mournfully  away 
for  a  moment's  honest,  earnest  conversation  with  Daniel 
Drew,  singing  in  a  subdued  voice 

On  old  Rock  Island's  sea-girt  shore, 
How  many  an  hour  I've  whiled  away 
A  listening  to  the  brokers'  roar, 
Who  wash  the  sales  from  day  to  day. 

Yes,  many  an  hour  I've  whiled  away,  to  say  nothing  of  the 
currency  of  the  realm  that  has  been  wiled  away  from  me 


JOHN  PAUL  AXD  THE  LEARNED  PIG.  107 

all  along  by  fooling  with  that  Delilah  of  the  street.     But 
that  pecnliarlj  sea-girt  shore,  /  hug  no  more.     Selah. 

Then  John  Paul  is  here  (but  perhaps  this  fact  has  been 
already  mentioned).  The  "  Learned  Pig  "  is  "  stopping  " 
opposite  the  Clarendon  ;  we  have  no  other  opera  this  season. 
It  was  not  my  intention  to  place  an  Intelligent  Correspond- 
ent of  a  Great  Moral  Organ  alongside  of  a  Learned  Pig, 
but  it  will  be  observed  that  precedence  is  given  to  the  corre- 
spondent, though  both  are  born  slaves  of  the  pen. 

Beside  myself  and  family.  Commodore  Yanderbilt  and  his 
are  here;  the  Commodore  is  laying  in  a  lot  of  "  water"  for 
Lake  Shore,  of  which  road  he  says  he  assumed  the  presidency 
because  he  didn't  want  to  see  it  become  a  mere  Schell ;  he 
says  he'd  assume  anything  that  he  thought  could  be 
"  doubled  up."  I  wish  he'd  set  out  and  try  to  "  double  up  " 
John  Morrissey.  To  tell  the  truth  about  it,  there  are  more 
railroad  men  here  than  would  patch  Heligoland  a  mile,  if  a 
double  track,  with  sidings  for  freight,  were  extended  to  that 
terminus.  I  don't  see  what  they  all  come  up  here  for  every 
summer,  unless  it  is  to  enable  themselves  to  pass  dividends 
with  more  ease. 

Have  I  mentioned  that  I  am  spending  the  summer  at  Sar- 
atoga with  my  family  %  I  believe  I  have,  but  this  writing  up 
other  people  without  getting  your  own  name  in  once  and 
awhile  I  don't  believe  in;  and  though  I  have  never  swindled 
anybody,  and  have  never  tried  to — without  getting  the  worst 
of  it— and  evidently  was  never  cut  out  by  nature  for  a  great 
and  successful  railroad-man,  I  intend  on  all  possible  occa- 
sions to  exalt  my  horns  and  cut  as  wide  a  swath  as  possible. 


CHAPTEE  XY. 

IN  WHICH    THE   FIRST   DAT    OF   THE   KACES    IS    CHEOOTCLED,    AND 
THE   NON-KACE   LOVING  READER   IS   WARNED    OFF    THE   TRACK. 

INSOMUCH  as  this  chapter  and  several  to  come  will  be 
all  about  horses  and  racing,  I  warn  the  reader  now,  that 
if  he  is  opposed  on  moral  grounds  to  such  amusements  and 
has  never  won  money  on  a  horse-race,  he  had  better  make  a 
clean  jump  and  not  light  till  he  gets  well  beyond  the  turf. 

It  may  be,  however,  that  these  chapters  will  not  appear  in 
the  book  at  all.  Whether  they  do  or  not  depends  wholly  on 
how  the  material  holds  out.  If  there  is  enough  to  make  a 
book  without  them,  these  will  be  left  out ;  not  that  I  think 
there  is  anything  vitiating  in  them,  or  degrading  to  me  as  a 
man  and  author ;  on  the  contrary,  if  Darwin  devoted  years 
of  his  life  to  a  consideration  of  the  origin  of  Races,  may 
not  I,  unreprovedly,  chronicle  their  progress  ?  And  to 
leave  out  race  week  in  writing  about  Saratoga,  would  be  like 
leaving  out  woman  in  attempting  to  discourse  upon  man. 
But  it  is  the  difficulty  of  compilation  that  bothers  me.  And 
a  lingering  suspicion,  as  well,  that  a  record  of  last  year's 
races  may  not  prove  of  absorbing  interest  to  the  popular 
mind  even  when  carefully  compiled. 

However,  I  shall  respond  to  the  stirring  trump  of  duty  so 
far  as  wading  in  to  my  work  is  concerned,  and  if  any  feel- 
ings are  hurt  it  cannot  but  be  conceded  that  I  have  warned 
everybody  off  the  track.  To  tell  the  truth,  I  care  less  for 
the  feelings  of  others  in  this  instance  than  for  my  own  repu- 
tation ;  but  here  goes  for  it. 

108 


SCENES  AT  THE  RACE  COURSE.  109 

Twas  a  beautiful  day  on  a  beautiful  track,* 

And  they  charged  but  a  dolhir  to  go  there  and  back 

In  a  heavy-swell  way,  in  a  beautiful  hack. 

Strange  how  tlie  Imman  soul  wells  up  with  gratitude,  and 
almost  unconsciously  bubbles  over  into  poetry,  when  one  has 
won  five  dollars  of  one's  most  intimate  friend  on  a  horse 
race. 

There  was  a  round  "  O  "  for  the  full  mile,  a  sort  of  a  kite 
cut  out  of  it  for  a  three-quarters  demonstration,  and  an 
irregular  kind  of  a  course  left  of  the  rest  of  it,  on  which, 
however,  it  was  quite  as  easy  to  lose  money  as  on  the  more 
symmetrical  curves  and  angles.  Blue  sky  and  hazy,  lazy 
mountains  filled  up  the  background,  and  green  grass  and 
trees  lit  up  the  fore,  while  stone  fences,  cedar  hedges,  and 
deep  ditches,  ingeniously  arranged  for  breaking  necks  in  the 
most  artistic  manner,  left  nothing  for  the  most  fastidious 
hurdle-rider  to  wish.  The  nose  of  Mr.  ]\Iorrissey,  somevv'hat 
set  back  and  rather  "  spread,"  so  to  speak,  over  his  classic 
countenance,  filled  up  the  picture,  somewhat  aided  perhaps 
by  four  or  five  thousand  people  of  different  sizes  and  sexes,  who 
variously  and  respectively  paid  a  dollar  each  for  getting  into 
the  field,  a  dollar  and  a  half  for  standing  in  "  stand  'No.  2," 
two  dollars  for  squatting  leurmemes  la  in  the  Grand  Stand, 
and  tliree  dollars  for  going  down  on  the  quarter-stretch, 
among  prize-fighters,  jockeys,  and  other  gentlemen — none  of 
whom  off'er  to  lend  you  an  umbrella  notwithstanding  that  the 
sun  is  blistering  your  bald  head  in  a  way  calculated  to 
attract  the  attention  of  the  most  careless  observer. 

You  will  notice  that  of  late  ladies  have  taken  to  the  turf, 
on  the  principle  perhaps  of  lending  themselves  to  that  of 
which  they  know  least,  and  giving  themselves  to  those  of 
whom  they  know  nothing  at  all.  Out  they  roll  in  carnage, 
phaeton,  top-carriage  or  open  buggy,  to  the  place  of  meeting. 
Of  their  judgment  in  laying  wagers  upon  the  contesting 
liorses  it  is  impossible  to  speak  very  enthusiastically.  A 
j)retty  color,  a  flowing  mane,  or  a  switching  tail,  influences 

•Original  poetry. 


110  THE  LADIES  TAKE  A  STAND. 

Japoiiica  in  betting  her  gloves  and  small  stamps  npon  tlie 
result,  much  more  than  do  the  more  important  points  of  a 
horse.  Indeed,  1  have  known  Japonica  to  bet  upon  a  horse 
that  sold  lowest  in  the  pool  and  came  in  at  the  end  of  every 
race,  simply  because  it  had  a  tail  in  color  and  general  make- 
up approximating  to  her  own  back-hair.  I  scarcely  know 
what  to  say  about  the  stand  —  the  Grand  Stand,  one  might 
gay — that  the  ladies  have  taken  in  this  matter.  But  it  is 
pleasant  to  see  their  bright  parasols  and  coquettish  hats  cock- 
ing up  in  the  Grand  Stand,  inasmuch  as  it  relieves  the  picture 
of  that  dull  sameness  which  an  unmixed  masculine  gathering 
always  presents,  to  say  nothing  of  the  aid  they  give  to  the 
cause  of  morality  by  shutting  ofl'  all  view  of  the  races  from 
small  men  and  boys  on  the  back  seats. 

This,  understand,  is  the  first  day  of  the  first  meeting,  and 
the  first  race  is  for  the  Travers  Stakes.  For  the  benefit  of 
posterity — to  wdiom  these  letters  are  principally  addressed, 
though  I  much  doubt  their  ever  reaching  their  destination — 
I  will  state  that  Mr.  Travers  is  a  celebrated  turfman  and 
President  of  the  Association — not  the  Young  Men's  Chris- 
tian, but  the  Saratoga  Eacing  Association.  There  are  few 
men  whom  I  enjoy  conversation  wnth  so  much  as  I  do  wdth 
Mr.  Travers,  and  one  reason  of  this  is  that  he  can't  talk  any 
faster  than  I  can.  Is  it  not  much  less  distressing  to  meet  a 
man  who  has  an  impediment  which  hinders  him  from  talk- 
ing, than  to  encounter  one  who  has  that  dreadful  impediment 
which  prevents  him  from  stopping  when  once  he  begins  ? 

Some  years  back  a  friend,  a  most  inveterate  talker, 
remarked  of  me  that  I  was  a  good  fellow  and  rather  a  clever 
fellow,  and  that  it  was  a  great  pity  that  I  had  an  impediment 
of  speech.  To  which  kindly  expression  of  feeling  on  his 
part,  I  sent  word  back  that  it  was  a  pity  that  he  hadn't,  for  in 
all  other  respects  he  was  as  good  and  clever  as  anybody. 
"Well,  here's  an  instance  of  the  harm  that  comes  of  "  fluidity  " 
in  anything — were  it  not  easier  for  me  to  write  than  to  talk, 
never  would  I  have  digressed  in  this  fashion.  Let  us  get 
back  on  the  track  again. 


RUNNING  FOR  THE  TRAYERS  STAKES.  HI 

Glancing  at  the  programme  it  seems  a  parcel  of  profanity ; 
yonr  wandering  eye  at  the  first  slap  runs  against  a  string  of 
"  dams  "  longer  than  the  chronicles  of  the  various  begettings 
in  the  book  of  Genesis,  to  say  nothing  of  other  queer  styles 
of  swearing.  Thus,  "  By  Kentucky  !  Dam  Lady  Blessing- 
ton."  This  is  credited  to  "  Count  D'Orsay,"  which  seems 
natural  enough  as,  if  I  remember  rightly,  Lady  Blessington 
was  that  nobleman's  mother-in-law — manifestly  there  could 
be  little  filly-al  feeling  in  such  relation. 

Besides  Count  D'Orsay,  you  find  Springbok — a  Saratoga 
Spring  Bok  on  this  occasion — and  Tom  Bowling — evidently 
"  the  darling  of  his  crew  " — besides  several  horses  of  less 
note,  entered  for  the  race.  Price  McGrath  owns  Tom  Bowl' 
ing ;  McDaniel,  Springbok ;  Belmont,  Count  D'Orsay — • 
there  you  have  the  favorites  for  the  "  Travers  Stakes." 

"Well,  the  Judges  take  their  places  in  their  stand,  sur- 
rounded by  some  very  conspicuous  bottles  of  brandy  and 
champagne,  at  which  no  one  else  gets  a  bite,  and  the  horses 
are  brought  up.  But  they  do  not  get  off  well ;  they  hitch 
and  hesitate,  move  forward  a  few  feet,  and  then  gig  back  and 
start  again,  and  altogether  make  as  many  false  starts  and  are 
as  slow  about  getting  fairly  agoing  as  the  noble  turfman  after 
•whom  the  stakes  are  christened  is  when  he  enters  for  a  talk- 
ing match — play  or  pay,  and  time  against  the  world.  But  at 
last  they  are  otf  fairly,  with  a  rush — all  but  "  Count  D'Orsay," 
who  won't  stir  a  peg. 

Now  up  go  cries  of  "Springbok's  ahead!"  "He  isn't!" 
"Tom  Bowling's  past  him."  Br-r-r-r-r.  A  lady  correspond- 
ent, noted  for  her  attachment  to  the  wicked,  wicked  world, 
all  her  heart  set  on  "Tom  Bowling,"  but  forbidden  to  hur- 
rah for  liiiM  in  the  definite  article  she's  writing,  clamps  her- 
self down  to  her  seat  in  an  endeavor  to  be  impartial  and  only 
betrays  her  sympathies  by  stabbing  "Springbok"  through 
the  very  vitals  instead  of  dotting  his  eye  when  she  writes  his 
name.  And  I,  all  the  while,  in  the  confused  blending  of  col- 
ors in  the  distance  fail  to  distinguish  the  blue  jockey  with 
red  sash  and  cap,  who  rides  for  McDaniel,  from  the  grccu 


112  MR.  MC  GRATE'S  LITTLE  STORY. 

jockey  with  orange  sasli,  who  straddles  in  the  interest  of 
McGrath.  Br-r-r-r.  What's  that?  A  horse  down.  "A 
sheer  hulk,  lies  '  Tom  Bowling  ! ' "  No ;  it's  "  Springbok  " 
struggling  there  in  the  dust  and  his  rider  lying  senseless, 
while  "  Thomas  Bowling "  gallops  in  winner.  But  not  a 
winner  yet,  for  "  Springbok "  is  brought  in  with  his  left 
fore-foot  badly  gashed,  and  a  "  foul "  is  claimed  on  the  score 
that  "  Tom  Bowling  "  crowded  in  and  cut  him. 

"  Oh,  the  weary,  weary  waiting"  while  the  Judges  are 
deciding,  and  they  give  ample  time  to  it.  My  $5  trembles 
in  the  balance.  But  at  last  up  goes  the  "board  "  proclaiming 
that  "No.  49"  is  first;  "68"  second;  "1"  third;  and  I  dis- 
cover that  the  lady  correspondent  has  availed  herself  of  the 
excitement  and  my  suspense  to  cabbage  my  programme, 
leaving  me  in  depressing  uncertainty  as  to  which  horses  those 
numbers  represent  till  some  one  rushes  to  my  relief  with  a 
programme,  and  enables  me  to  read  their  titles  clear — the 
winners  are — Tom  Bowling,  Waverly,  Merodac.  And  now 
Price  McGrath  saunters  up  to  I'eceive  the  congratulations  of 
the  Kentucky  ladies  in  the  Grand  Stand. 

"  You  have  one  of  the  finest  horses  in  the  world,  Mr. 
McGrath,"  remarked  one  of  the  ladies. 

"  One  of  the  finest  horses  in  the  world  !  That  reminds 
me  of  a  story,  madam,  and  if  you  have  no  objections  I'll  tell 
it  you ;"  and  Mr.  McGrath  removed  his  hat,  polished  the 
skating-rink  on  top  of  his  head  with  a  silk  handkerchief, 
slued  himself  i*ound  so  as  to  present  a  full  face  view  of  his 
delicately  chiseled  features  to  the  ladies'  benches,  and  began 
intoning  as  follows  : — 

"  Up  our  way,  madam,  in  the  Blue-grass  region,  there  lived 
a  minister — a  Methodist  minister — one  of  the  kind  as  knows 
a  horse  w^hen  he  sees  him ;  and  if  a  charrot  come  down  for 
him  he'd  look  to  see  what  sort  of  a  team  was  hitched  to  it 
afore  he'd  start.  His  name  was  Spencer,  it  was.  "Well,  he 
had  a  horse,  a  good  horse  it  was  allowed  to  be  all  through 
the  Blue-grass  region,  and  natural  like  he  thought  a  good  deal 
on  it. 


«'SEVEX-UP"  WITH  THE  SPIRITS.  113 

"  There  was  another  man  in  the  county,  and  he  had  a  horse 
that  he  thought  a  good  deal  on,  and  he  was  a  good  horse,  too, 
for  they  don't  have  nothing  hut  good  horses  in  the  Blue-grass 
region  ;  but  Parson  Spencer  never  would  allow  that  he  was 
any  sort  of  a  horse,  no  how.  Well,  he  came  up  to  Parson 
Spencer  one  day  and  he  says,  says  he,  '  Parson,  you  and  I's 
got  the  two  best  horses  in  the  world.'  '  My  friend,'  says 
Parson  Spencer,  and  he  wheeled  round  sort  of  impatient  like, 
'  the  Lord  '  "— 

Ting  !  ting ! !  ting  ! ! !  At  this  moment  the  bell  rang  to 
bring  up  the  horses,  and  not  stopping  even  to  put  his  hat  on, 
Mr.  McGrath  scuttled  out  of  the  Grand  Stand,  leaving  every 
one  for  ten  benches  round  in  wretched  ignorance  of  what 
his  Parson  Spencer  did  say,  anyhow. 

The  second  race  came  ofi'  and  was  won  by  Travers'  black 
colt,  Strachino.  As  Strachino  was  sired  by  "  Parmesan,"  it 
is  not  much  to  be  wondered  at  that  he  turns  out  "  the  cheese." 
And  now  we  wait  for  Mr.  McGrath  to  come  back  and  finish 
his  story.  But  he  cometh  not,  she  said,  and  rather  than  have 
you  disappointed  in  a  story,  I'll  tell  you  one  myself. 

Some  years  ago  it  seems  that  Mr.  McGrath  got  quite 
interested  in  spiritualism.  There  wasn't  much  racing  going 
on,  so  he  could  give  the  subject  his  undivided  attention.  He 
invited  a  friend  of  mine  to  go  with  him  and  see  Foster — or 
some  other  circulating  medium  ;  and  my  friend  went.  ]jut 
he  told  me  that  it  surprised  him  very  much  to  see  Mr.  McGrath 
slip  a  full  deck  of  cards  in  his  coat  pocket  before  starting.  It 
scarcely  seemed  possible  to  him  that  Mr.  McGrath  intended 
to  })ropo.se  a  game  of  spiritual  seven-up,  or  to  attempt  to  beat 
some  unhappy  ghost  out  of  every  rap  he  had,  at  draw-]Joker 
— whicli  is  supposed  to  be  an  emphatically  Blue-grass  game; 
but  no  other  hypothesis  seemed  admi3sil)le. 

Well,  away  they  sailed  and  found  Foster  in.  (I  found 
liim  out  once,  immediately  after  finding  hiiu  in.)  Foster 
gave  them  his  usual  circus,  and  Mr.  McGrath  sat  it  through 
in  sijlemn  awe  and  silence.  Sometimes  a  shade  of  impatience 
was  visible,  but  his  face  looked  radiant  at  the  conclusion. 
8 


114-  CONTINUATION  OF  MC  GRATE'S  LITTLE  STORY. 

"  Mr.  Foster,"  he  said,  as  he  laid  the  usual  honorarium 
down  on  the  table,  "  this  is  wonderful,  and  you  deal  a  square 
game,  you  do,  I  do  believe.  But  there's  just  one  thing  more 
I  want  you  to  try,  and  if  you  do  it  and  1  don't  give  you  just 
the  best  farm  in  Kentucky,  ray  name  ain't  Price  McGrath  ; " 
and  down  went  his  hands  into  his  coat  pocket  and  out  he 
fished  the  pack  of  cards.  "  There,"  giving  them  a  scientific 
Blue-grass  shuffle,  and  slapping  them  down  on  the  table  backs 
up,  "  you  just  tell  me  what  that  first  card  is  without  turning 
it  over,"  and  his  breath  came  slow  in  expectation.  Price 
McGrath's  did.  Foster  couldn't,  and  Mr.  McGrath  turned 
sadly  away,  and  fumbled  at  the  side-board  as  though  too 
much  overcome  for  speech  ;  not  finding  what  he  wanted, 
euchred  in  both  suits,  he  started  for  home,  leaving  the  cards 
behind  him  in  his  bitter  disappointment. 

"  If  Foster  could  just  a-told  me  what  that  card  was,"  he 
said  to  my  friend  as  they  slowly  walked  up  Broadway,  "  I'd 
a-just  made  our  everlasting  fortunes.  I'd  a-taken  him  with 
ine  and  we'd  a-busted  every  faro-bank  in  this  country.  And 
then  if  I  Avouldn't  a-made  their  hair  curl  at  Baden-Baden 
and  Monaco,  I'll  be  Dee  Deed."  Mr.  McGrath  always  says 
that  he'll  be  Dee  Deed  when  he  feels  solemn  and  wants  to 
round  a  sentence  handsomely. 

And  now  the  third  race,  the  last  of  the  day,  the  half-mile 
for  two-year-olds,  is  on.  But  this  is  an  aggravation.  They 
act  like  a  parcel  of  school-girls  when  a  young  and  handsome 
teacher  comes  into  the  district.  Each  one  goes  to  figuring 
on  her  own  hook,  and — 

"  Never  made  but  two  horses  in  this  world  ;  one  I've  got 
and  the  other  he  kept  himself!  " 

What  are  these  strange  accents  droning  in  my  ear  ?  Upon 
my  wor,d,  it's  Price  McGrath  come  back  to  finish  his  story.  I've 
forgotten  the  beginning  of  it,  and  do  not  remember  the  con- 
nection exactly,  but  the  reader  can  go  back  a  page  or  two  and 
put  it  together  for  himself,  if  disposed. 

As  I  was  remarking  when  interrupted  by  Mr.  McGrath, 
the  two-year-olds  prove  an  aggravation,  and  act  like  a  parcel 


A  HORSE-STAETIXG  SUGGESTION.  115 

of  scbool-girls  when  the  new  teacher  happens  to  Le  young 
and  handsome.  Each  goes  to  figuring  on  her  own  hook,  and 
you  couldn't  get  them  to  ail  start  in  fairly  together  if  you 
died  for  it ;  and  getting  tired  of  such  foolishness,  most  of  the 
heavy  capitalists  try  to  get  a  start  for  home,  and  1,  for  one, 
get  it  the  first  time. 

Kow  I  have  a  suggestion  to  make.  Instead  of  all  this 
nonsense  about  starting,  why  not  bring  all  the  horses  up  and 
have  them  toe  a  line,  as  men  do  when  they  run  ?  When  the 
flag  drops  let  them  go,  and  if  a  horse  won't  go  let  him  stay 
— the  race  will  go  on  without  him.  This  would  be  fair  for 
every  one,  and  no  grumbling  could  come  in.  There's  always 
more  grumbling  about  "unfair  starts"  than  over  anything 
else  in  a  race.  It  may  be  urged  that  some  horses  wouldn't 
start.  Then  keep  the  stubborn  brutes  off  the  track ;  if  a 
horse  won't  go  when  he's  wanted  to,  I  see  no  particular  need 
of  perpetuating  the  breed.  That  particular  strain  of  blood 
which  prompts  a  horse  to  stand  still  when  you  want  him  to 
go  and  go  when  you  M'ant  him  to  stand  still,  can  be  dispensed 
with.  I  have  had  several  such  horses  in  my  time,  and  their 
hides  invariably  brought  three  dollars  apiece,  cpiite  as  much 
as  any  other  horses'  hides.  They  were  said  to  make  excellent 
trunk  straps. 


CHAPTEE  XVI. 

THE      SECOND     DAT      OF      THE     RACES     AND       INTERVIEWS     WITH 
HORSEMEN     AND    HORSES. 

^^XN"  the  first  place,  if  you  knew  anything  at  all  about  a 
X  horse  you  wouldn't  ask  such  a  question,"  This  is  what 
Mr.  Milton  Sandorf  said  when  I  asked  him  why  they  didn't 
start  horses  from  a  line  at  the  tap  of  a  drum,  as  dimly  sug- 
gested in  a  morsel  of  wisdom  which  closes  the  preceding 
chapter, 

I  measured  my  man  in  a  moment,  applied  my  mental 
callipers  to  his  muscle,  saw  at  a  ghmce  that  he  beat  me  so  far 
as  biceps  went,  took  into  consideration  the  fact  that  he  was 
much  older  than  myself  as  well,  and  concluded  to  forgive 
him.  I  am  glad  that  1  did ;  it  is  always  Christian-like  to 
pass  little  remarks  of  this  kind  over  without  notice  unless 
you  are  morally  sure  that  you  can  whip  your  man. 

Nor  do  I  know  exactly  that  I  would  care  to  tap  the  claret, 
smash  the  smeller,  upset  the  snuff-tray,  damage  the  optics, 
close  the  peepers,  devastate  the  oglers,  smite  the  conk, 
counter  on  the  kisser,  spoil  the  potato  trap,  mash  the  mug, 
and  generally  macerate  the  mouth  of  Milton,  to  say  nothing 
of  demolishing  his  bread-basket  and  laying  waste  and  capsiz- 
ing his  apple-cart ;  for,  though  capable  of  reaching  out  with 
my  right  bower  and  putting  in  my  Left  Duke — my  terrible 
Left — in  an  appalling  style,  I  have  nothing  in  particular 
against  Mr.  Sandorf.  That  he  knows  nothing  at  all  about 
horses  is  more  his  misfortune  than  his  fault,  and  to  never 
win  a  bet  is  punishment  enough.     To  his  credit  be  it  spoken, 

116 


THE  STICK  FULL  THEY  CUT  OUT.  117 

however,  lie  generally  bets  on  the  field — and  if  she  needed 
backing  I've  an  idea  he'd  back  his  niece,  bright,  brave  Miss 
Kate. 

Now  let  me  explain  that  in  the  sporting  terms  used  in  the 
preceding  paragraph,  I  have  endeavored  to  make  myself 
imderstood  by  horsemen,  who  have  a  language  of  their  own. 
In  these  pages  I  am  not  writing  for  the  general  reader,  and 
if  he  is  really  anxious  to  know  what  oglers  and  kissers, 
potato  traps  and  snufF-trays  are,  he  must  go  to  the  dictionary 
for  it.  In  a  mistaken  idea  of  what  I  was  driving  at,  my 
Great  Moral  Organ  crossed  out  all  the  delicate  little  tech- 
nicalities of  the  prize  ring  used  above,  which  I  had  collected 
with  zealous  care ;  and  they  also  slashed  out  the  story  which 
Mr.  McGrath  tells  in  the  other  chapter,  leaving  a  sort  of  a 
hole  in  the  narrative  and  to  some  extent  destroying  the  point 
to  which  I  led  up  through  a  whole  column.  And  to  my 
mild  remonstrance,  an  assurance  came  that,  "  Not  more  than 
a  stick  full  was  cut  out,"  and  that  "the  only  point  of  the 
story  was  a  little  profanity." 

The  only  balm  that  my  wounded  feelings  have  since  found, 
is  in  printing  the  story  right  here  as  originally  written,  and 
"  appealing  to  a  jury  of  my  countrymen,"  as  Mr.  Keade  says. 
For  if  that  story's  profane,  I'm  a  Dutchman  !  And  I  would 
like  to  take  the  moral  sense  of  the  community  on  this  ques- 
tion. One  of  the  chief  consolations  of  making  a  book,  indeed, 
is  that  it  permits  you  to  get  before  the  public  in  your  owix 
fashion,  and  be  profane  in  the  mild  way  above  whenever  you 
fain  would  be  so,  sharing  the  responsibility  with  no  conscience 
other  than  your  own. 

To  resume : — My  idea  of  starting  horses,  Mr.  Sandorf 
went  on  to  say,  when  his  mind  recovered  from  its  first  shocks 
is  a  good  one  for  trotting  matches,  as  trotting  horses  could 
be  educated  to  it,  but  a  racer's  spirit  would  be  spoiled  in  the 
attempt  to  teach  liiui  the  trick,  and  no  good  start  could  be 
got  unless  the  horses  were  in  motion.  Now  there  may  be 
Bomcthing  in  this,  but  if  memory  serves  me  rightly  I  have 
known  horses  to  start  off  on  a  pretty  lively  run  when  they 


118  ^  MAN  WHO  SETS  UP  FOR  A  STARTER. 

had  been  standing  still  for  an  hour  or  so,  and  not  leave 
mnch  of  the  buggy  to  sit  in  when  they  got  through.  To  my 
thinking,  and  experience  bears  me  out  in  it,  a  horse  can  get 
the  start  of  you  much  better  if  he  has  been  standing  quietly 
and  bringing  you  to  the  belief  that  he  wouldn't  run  if  he  got 
a  good  chance  to,  than  he  could  if  he  were  running  when  he 
began  to  run  away. 

It  is  all  very  well  for  Mr,  Sandorf  to  set  himself  up  for 
authority  on  racing  matters  and  intimate  that  I  know  less 
about  that  noble  but  somewhat  uncertain  animal,  the  horse, 
than  he  does ;  but  I  happen  to  have  the  personal  acquaint- 
ance of  several  excellent  "  starters  "  in  the  employment  of 
the  Third  Avenue  Railroad  Company — men  who  have  never 
defrauded  their  employers  of  a  cent  yet,  but  hope  to  be  con- 
ductors some  day — ;  and  I  never  knew  one  of  them  to 
"start"  according  to  Mr,  Sandorf's  plan.  My  starter  just 
taps  his  bell  or  blows  his  silver  whistle,  if  the  munificence 
of  the  company  provide  him  with  that  luxury,  and  if  the 
car  doesn't  get  off  he  curses  the  driver  up  hill  and  down, 
and  doesn't  allow  a  lick  or  two  with  a  car|hook  to  interfere 
with  him  in  the  performance  of  his  duty  if  he  can  get  hold 
of  a  cart  rung  or  something  of  that  kind.  It's  all  very  well 
for  Mr,  Sandorf  to  put  on  airs  up  here,  but  he'd  have  a  nice 
show  for  it  with  his  ideas  about  starting  if  he  applied  for  a 
situation  as  "starter"  on  any  well  regulated  line  of  city 
horse  cars,  and  I  rather  guess  these  companies  contrive 
generally  to  select  men  who  know  their  business. 

About  the  time  that  every  one  got  M^ell  out  to  the  ground, 
on  the  second  race  day  the  rain  began  to  fall  in  torrents,  and 
it  was  remarked  that  the  prospect  looked  better  for  a  regatta 
than  a  race — the  track  being  soon  flooded.  The  water  was 
certainly  shallow  enough,  and  the  lines  crooked  enough  to 
offer  excellent  inducements  to  any  committee  looking  out 
for  a  regatta- course.  But  the  thirsty  ground  soon  lapped  up 
the  water,  and  at  the  tap  of  the  bell  up  came  the  horses,  with 
their  tails  done  up  en  chignon.  The  first  race  of  the  day — 
for  fillies  foaled  in  1870,  one  mile  and  an  eighth — was  won  by 


THE  FOLLY  OF  CHIX-MUSIC  CONSIDERED.  119 

a  fillv  christened  Minnie  "W.,  and  had  her  name  been  Min- 
now the  performance  would  have  justified  it.  It  was  of 
course  cLaimed  that  a  different  condition  of  track  would  have 
brought  about  a  different  result,  insomuch  as  it  was  not 
understood  when  the  horses  were  put  in  "pools"  the  night 
before,  tliat  they  were  to  run  in  such  pools  next  day.  But 
this  is  all  wrong ;  "  ifs  and  ands,"  excuses  and  hypotheses, 
liave  no  place  in  a  race-course.  After  a  race  has  been  run 
and  judgment  has  been  given,  complaint  should  cease.  Poist 
mortems,  however,  are  played  to  an  amazing  extent ;  some 
are  still  claiming,  for  instance,  that  if  Count  D'Orsay  had 
got  a  start  for  the  Travers  Stakes  on  the  first  day,  he  would 
have  carried  off  the  plate. 

So  it  always  is ;  the  baby  we  lose  is  the  one  for  whom  all 
the  after  honors  of  life  were  waiting,  the  horse  that  doesn't 
get  a  start  is  the  one  that  would  have  won  the  race.  Thus  in 
the  second  race  to-dav,  it  was  asserted  that  Bassett — on  whom 
the  odds  in  the  pools  were  about  two  to  one  on  the  others, 
would  have  won  had  not  Crockford  got  the  advantage  in  the 
start,  and  there  is  no  end  of  wrangling.  Why  do  men  waste 
words  when  an  event  has  been  decided.  As  King  Eichard 
II.  remarked  when  his  race  was  run: — 

"  This  chin  music  mads  me ;  let  it  sound  no  more." 

The  third  race,  the  steeple-chase,  was  the  race  of  this  day. 
"  Td  not  have  missed  it  for  $100,"  was  the  verdict  of  all  who 
stayed  to  the  finish.  "  About  three  miles,  welter  weights, 
$800  to  the  winner,  $200  to  the  second,  and  $100  to  the 
third  Jiorse;  total  purse,  $1,100."  That's  the  way  the  pro- 
gramme read.  The  "welter  weights"  seemed  ominous  to 
those  unversed  in  equine  teclmicalities,  A  broken  neck  in  a 
8tec])lc-cliase  is  a  "finish"  always  looming  up  before  horse 
and  rider, — a  probability  for  one,  a  possibility  for  both  ;  and 
this  day  one  could  well  imagine  that  the  turf  must  be  slip- 
]tci*y  as  glass.  What  could  the  phrase  mean?  That  those 
wlio  waited  for  this  last  race  would  see  some  one  weltering 
in  blood  ;  that  weltering  waited  for  those  who  rode  ?  There 
was  room  for  unpleasant  speculation  here,  but  the  horses — 


120  -^  STEEPLE  CHASE. 

Duffy,  Yiley,  Buck,  and  Lanty  Lawler  selling  in  pool  the 
night  before  for  $300,  $95,  $36,  and  $35,  respectively— were 
sent  away  before  Dr.  M'Cosh  arrived  at  a  conclusion. 

Duffy  led,  and  after  him  leaped  Lanty  Lawler.  Buck 
bucked  at  the  first  hurdle,  but  finally  contrived  to  climb  over 
after  repeated  urging;  Viley  also  behaved  vilely  ;  scarcely  a 
jump  would  these  rascals  make,  and  1  suppose  they  are  still 
on  the  ground  pegging  away  at  the  third  hurdle.  Duffy 
went  round  in  splendid  style,  and  after  him,  five  or  six 
lengths,  but  neither  increasing  nor  diminishing  his  distance, 
sailed  Lanty.  But  after  the  last  hurdle  was  taken,  and  a  uni- 
versal shout  had  gone  up  that  Duffy  had  it,  Lanty 's  rider,  to 
show  that  some  things  could  be  done  as  well  as  others,  and 
that  there's  no  certainty  even  about  a  horse  race,  plied  the 
whip,  and,  responsive  to  it,  Lanty  collared  Duffy  and  rushed 
under  the  string  a  head  ahead.  It  was  a  wonderful  piece  of 
diplomacy,  which  in  this  instance  is  long  for  riding,  on  the 
part  of  Lanty's  rider.  His  patient  faith  and  watching  won 
the  race.  And,  as  you  have  seen,  the  odds  were  about  nine 
to  one  against  the  actual  winner.  I  feel  encouraged  over  my 
chances  in  life  from  this  result,  and  shall  always  hereafter 
keep  on  running  to  the  end,  no  matter  what  odds  are  against 
me. 

And  now  they  tell  me  gray  Lanty  was  so  much  injured  in 
the  race — by  the  breaking  of  a  tendon  or  something — that 
he  can  never  run  again,  may  possibly  have  to  be  killed. 
This  is  to  be  regretted,  for  he  proved  himself  a  noble  horse. 
The  burst  of  speed  he  showed  after  jumping  the  last  hurdle, 
having  run  a  jumping  race  then  of  nearly  three  miles,  w^as 
remarkable.  Tom  Bowling  is  a  fast  horse,  but  in  the  mile 
and  three-quarter  race  of  the  first  day,  it  seemed  to  me  that 
he  did  not  come  in  at  the  end  with  the  speed  that  Lanty 
showed,  and  poor  Lanty  had  a  very  heavy  track  for  it.  It  is 
hard  to  be  broken  down  when  one  has  won  such  a  fight. 

Coming  home  we  drove  over  to  McGrath's  stables,  and  I 
put  my  hand  on  Tom  Bowling's  coat — the  first  time  that 
ever  I  touched  a  racer ;  soft  and  smooth  as  satin,  I  had  no 
idea  that  such  polish  could  be  put  on  horse-flesh. 


UNCLK  ANCf;L  AND  HIS  CHAIiGE. 


INTERVIEW  WITH  A  VETERAX  TRAINER.  121 

"  Is  he  cross  ?"  asked  one  of  our  party. 

"  A  cross,  sail  ?  a  cross  ?  Lord  bless  you,  no,  sah,"  answered 
Ancel  "Williamson,  the  trainer;  "no  cross 'bout  him;  why, 
he's  out  of — "  and  in  a  second's  time  his  pediirree  "was 
unrolled  from  Noah's  ark  down.  It  was  a  natural  enouo:h 
mistake  to  make,  and  old  Ancel  M'as  of  course  swift  to  vindi- 
cate the  blood  of  Bowling.  It  seems  that  about  the  stables 
the  horse  is  as  kind  as  a  kitten ;  the  temper  he  shows  on  the 
track  comins:  from  a  kick  he  received  on  his  dehut  here  at 
Saratoga,  two  years  ago,  if  I  remember  rightly.  His  leg 
was  nearly  broken  on  that  occasion,  and  ever  since  he  becomes 
disturbed  and  angry  when  the  other  horses  are  brought  up. 

Ancel  Williamson,  the  colored  trainer,  is  a  picture  to  see, 
gray  and  grizzled,  but  with  a  world  of  fidelity  and  sense — 
"horse  sense"  it  might  be  called,  perhaps — stamped  on  his 
countenance.  Before  the  war  he  belono;ed  to  Ivean  Rich- 
ards  ;  dnring  the  war  he  went  to  train  for  Alexander,  with 
Richards'  permission.  When  the  war  was  ended  he  put  in 
an  a]>pearance  with,  "  Well,  Massa  Richards,  here  1  is  agin." 

"But  you're  free;  you  don't  belong  to  me  now;  you're 
your  own  master." 

"  No,  Massa  Richards  ;  you  can't  git  rid  of  me  that  way, 
sah.     Here  1  is." 

"  But  1  have  nothing  for  you  to  do ;  no  horses  to  train, 
Ancel ;  I  can't  take  you." 

Aiicel  went  away  and  pondered  it  over.  By  and  by  he 
came  back.  "Well,  if  Bs  free,  Massa  Richards,  and  you 
doesn't  want  me  no  mo'  for  notliing,  give  me  my  papers, 
sah." 

Mr.  Richards  tried  to  explain  to  him  that  he  needed  none; 
but  no,  liis  papers  he  must  have  ;  the  new  style  of  manumis- 
sion was  above  his  comprehension ;  so  Richards  gave  them 
to  him.  Then  lie  went  with  Buford,  and  two  or  three  years 
ago  he  came  with  McGrath. 

"You  understand  all  about  training  horses,  I  suppose, 
uncle  ?"  I  asked. 

"  r)nglit  to,  sah  ;  been  doing  it  near  sixty  year  now,  been 
with  'em  ever  since  I  was  horned." 


122  THE  WINNING  HORSE  IN  HIS  STABLE. 

"  Do  you  give  them  as  much  as  they  want  to  eat  or  restrict 
them  ?" 

"  Xo,  sah,  I's  strict  with  'em,  mighty  strict ;  don't  give  'em 
no  mo'  to  eat  and  no  mo'  exercise  'n  's  good  for  'em." 

"  But  how  can  you  tell  just  how  much  to  give  them  to  eat 
and  iust  how  much  exercise  thev  should  have?" 

•J  */ 

"Why,  same's  you  tell  how  much  you  want  to  eat  and 
exercise,  sah,  by  your  feelings,  sure." 

"  Yes,  but  I  tell  by  my  feelings ;  now  you  won't  let  the 
horse  tell  by  his ;  and  your  feelings  are  not  the  horse's 
feelings." 

"  Same  thing,  sah,  all  the  same  thing,  sah,  no  difference, 
sure." 

"  What  are  those  copper  muzzles  tied  over  the  horse's 
noses  for  ? 

"  To  keep  'em  froin  eating  what  they  hadn't  ougliter  eat, 
sah,  so's  they  can't  eat  their  bedding  and  no  other  pison,  you 
see." 

"  I  suppose  that  sometimes  large  sums  are  offered  a  trainer 
if  he  will  permit  a  race-horse  to  be  tampered  with  ? " 

"  It  aint  no  use,  sah,  old  man  like  me  doesn't  want  no 
more'n  he  has.  Kather  see  my  horse  win;  that's  money 
'no ugh  for  me." 

And  now  Uncle  Ancel  began  to  look  at  me  suspiciously  ; 
it  was  evident  tliat  he  thought  I  was  there  for  an  object ; 
never  before  did  any  one  mistrust  that  I  was  prowling  round 
with  twenty  or  thirty  thousand  dollars  in  my  pocket,  eager 
to  bribe  somebody.  I  felt  flattered  rather  than  otherwise 
and  the  conversation  went  on. 

"  Does  it  not  cost  a  good  deal  to  take  care  of  such  a  gentle- 
man horse  as  Tom  Bowling  ? "  I  asked. 

'•  Well,  he  pays  for  it  liissef,  sah.  He's  made  nigh  upon 
$10,000  for  us  this  year,  he  has.  'Sides  it  only  takes  a  man 
and  a  boy  to  take  care  of  him,  and  it  don't  cost  no  mo'  to 
feed  him  than  the  commonest  horse  aocoino':  he  eats  the 
same  sorter  stuff." 

"  How  came  Harry  Bassett  to  get  beaten  in  that  three- 
quarter  mile  race  ? " 


i 


INHUMAN  INGRATITUDE.  123 

"Xo  business  to  start  for  no  such  foolishness  as  that,  sah. 
Done  'noiigh  for  his  massa ;  worn  out  now  :  oughter  let  him 
staj  still." 

"  What  did  you  think  of  that  steeple-chase  race  ? " 

"  Clean  steal,  sah,  clean  steal;  the  boy  jus'  stole  that  race, 
he  did ;  jus'  lay  back  till  other  fellow  didn't  think  he  was 
coniin',  and  then  come;  mighty  smart  nigger,  that  boy, 
sure." 

Then,  as  a  sort  of  finish  to  my  conversation  with  the  old 
gentleman,  I  let  my  idea  about  starting  horses  for  a  race 
buliie  upon  him,  and  feeling  that  he  was  my  friend,  confided 
to  him  what  Mr.  Sandorf  said  when  I  let  my  flood  of  light 
in  upon  his  benighted  mind,  sure  that  Uncle  Ance  would 
take  my  part. 

"  'Sense  me,  sah,  but  'pears  to  me  in  my  humplicity, 
Massa  Sandorf's  'bout  rio-ht." 

There  is  no  gratitude  in  human  nature  ;  even  this  faithful 
follower  of  fickle  fortunes,  whom  I  had  interviewed,  and  for 
whom  I  had  composed  an  appropriate  epitaph — poetry — ere  ' 
the  interview  had  scarcely  begun,  went  back  on  me  and 
sided  with  the  proud  o])pressor.  And  driving  sadly  and 
slowly  in,  what  wonder  that  I  rushed  to  Johnson's  diction- 
ary for  love  and  sympathy — the  only  Cjuarter  in  which  you 
may  look  for  them,  never  in  vain. 


CHAPTER  XYII. 

WHICH   BRINGS   THE    FIRST    MEETING     TO     AN     END     AND    OPENS 
THE   WAY   TO    A    STERN   DISCOURAGEMENT   OF   RACING. 

IN"  early  youth  it  was  the  height  of  my  ambition  to  be  a 
stage-driver.  Later  in  life,  when  troubles  multiplied 
upon  me  and  my  consistent  and  edifying  life  made  me 
many  enemies,  the  omnibus-driver  became  the  object  of  my 
special  envy.     He  perches  so  serenely  on  his  elevated  box — 

As  some  tall  cliff,  that  lifts  its  awful  form, 
Swells  from  the  vale  and  midway  leaves  the  storm ; 
Though  round  his  feet  the  rolling  reins  are  spread, 
Eternal  sunshine  settles  on  his  head. 

On  summer  days,  when  the  sunshine  is  a  little  too  severe 
to  be  pleasant,  he  can  obtain  an  enormous  umbrella  of  some 
manufacturer  anxious  to  advertise  his  goods,  by  simply 
depositing  a  dollar,  which  dollar  is  returned  to  him  when  he 
brings  back  the  umbrella.  1  have  never  been  able  to  borrow 
an  umbrella  on  these  terms.  And  then  if  he  sees  an  enemy 
attempting  to  cross  the  street  he  can  pick  him  up  on  his  pole 
and  carry  him  a  block  or  two  ;  if  he  impales  him  it  doesn't 
matter  much — omnibus  drivers  are  never  hanged,  neither  do 
they  marry.  Nor  is  it  necessary  that  he  wait  for  his  enemy 
to  attempt  to  cross  the  street ;  he  can  go  for  him  on  the  side- 
walk, spear  him  on  a  balcony,  lift  him  from  a  third-story 
window,  if  he  so  choose.  His  horses  aid  him  willingly. 
When  you  see  an  omnibus  horse  fix  his  eye  on  you,  beware ; 
you  are  a  gone  man.  There  is  no  escape  from  his  diabolical 
intentions,  and  if  you  are  particular  about  little  things  and 

124 


A  TALK  WITH  MR.  TRAVERS.  125 

want  your  name  spelled  right  on  the  coflBn-plate,  see  the 
engraver  at  once.  Talk  of  black-horse  cavalry  !  I  would 
sooner  face  a  whole  brigade  of  them  than  stand  the  charge  of 
a  single  omnibus  horse  of  any  color  whatever.  Think  what 
the  Six  Hundred  would  have  done  at  Balaklava  had  they 
been  mounted  on  six  hundred  omnibuses  drawn  by  twelve 
hundred  wall-eyed  horses!  If  ever  a  charge  of  this  kind 
occurs,  let  me  be  its  Tennyson.  But  just  now  my  ambition 
is  to  be  the  jockey  of  the  winning  horse;  to  ride  past  the 
Grand  Stand  in  streaked  and  speckled  raiment,  with  my 
head  over  between  the  horse's  ears,  and  everybody  applaud- 
ing— ladies  and  all.  Negotiations  are  going  on  with  a  pur- 
pose, and  I  hope  soon  to  be  a  jockey  and  with  the  jockeys 
stand.  At  present  my  weight  is  rather  heavy,  but  I'm  drink, 
ing  Ilathorn  water,  and  shall  either  be  a  losing  ghost  or  a 
winning  jockey  in  the  end. 

I  had  a  few  words  with  Travers  yesterday.  Yery  little 
was  said  on  either  side,  but  we  were  a  good  while  about  it. 
The  fact  of  it  is,  I  can  never  talk  with  Mr.  Travers  without 
stuttering.  lie  leads  off,  and  of  course  I  must  either  trump 
or  follow  suit.  And  it  never  occurs  to  me  to  trump.  This 
makes  him  tliink  that  I  can't  talk  any  better  than  he  can ; 
and  he  probably  thought  he  was  getting  a  good  joke  on  me 
when  he  suggested  that  when  the  "  Travers  Stakes  "  were  run 
for  atrain,  to  have  John  Paul  start  the  horses  would  make 
it  all  right  and  even.  But,  if  they  make  me  "  starter"  and  I 
don't  get  all  the  horses  off  sooner  than  they  are  now  sent,  it 
will  only  be  because  two  or  three  of  them  stay  at  the  post. 
Instructed  not  to  go  unless  they  get  the  best  of  the  start,  the 
jockeys  hold  back  and  jockey  in  a  way  that  deserves  signal 
])iinishment — that  is,  the  signal  should  be  given  to  go,  leaving 
them  tlie  privilege  of  starting  at  their  leisure. 

The  third  day's  races  came  off  as  advertised,  notwithstand- 
ing that  the  rain  poured  down  in  torrents,  putting  the  track 
in  a  condition  better  adapted  for  a  swimming  match  than  a 
running  race.  Under  the  old  rule,  a  race  once  entered  for 
could  not  be  postponed  under  any  circumstances;  but  now  it 


126  THE  RACE  GOES  ON  SWIMMINGLY. 

is  at  the  discretion  of  the  Executive  Committee,  and  it  turns 
out  tliat  these  gentlemen  do  not  object  to  a  little  water  with 
their's  occasionally.  Considerable  disappointment  was  caused 
by  the  rumor  that  Harry  Bassett  would  be  withdrawn  on 
account  of  the  condition  of  the  track — and  indeed  it  seemed 
only  in  accordance  with  the  eternal  fitness  of  things  that 
Bassett  should  be  excused  and  a  good  lively  fresh-water  Bass 
entered  for  the  cup ;  certainly  the  latter  could  have  come  in 
better  on  the  "finnish" — but  the  rumor  was  not  substantiated 
by  fact.  Four  horses  were  entered  for  the  first  race — for 
the  Saratoga  cup — Bassett,  Joe  Daniels,  Wanderer,  and  True 
Blue. 

Wanderer  being  the  favorite,  and  any  number  of  private 
points  having  been  publicly  given  out  that  the  race  would  be 
that  horse's  beyond  a  peradventure,  he  got  beaten  and  came 
in  last  of  course ;  while  Bassett,  after  running  the  first  part  of 
the  race,  passed  it  over  to  his  stable-mate,  Joe  Daniels,  who 
took  it  up  very  cleverly  and  came  into  camp  with  it. 
True  Blue  did  very  well ;  he  truly  blew  some  in  vindication 
of  his  name  of  course — as  what  horse  except  a  sea-horse  would 
not,  running  up  to  his  neck  in  water?  But  he  came  in 
unblown  at  the  end  of  the  race  and  got  a  third  place.  The 
most  ti'uly  blue,  however,  were  those  who  bet  on  Wanderer, 
and  it  is  little  wonder  that  when  the  horses  were  brought 
up  for  the  next  race,  and  frequent  mention  was  made  of  the 
mare,  Sue  Ryder,  several  shouted,  evidently  under  a  mis- 
taken impression  that  the  wondering  was  still  in  order  and 
the  other  race  was  being  talked  about : — "Yes,  sue  his  rider,  he 
threw  the  race." 

But  mistakes  will  occur  in  the  best  regulated  households. 
When  the  second  race  was  being  run,  a  gentleman  from  Wil- 
liamsburg, Mass.,  insisted  that  Wanderer  was  Artist — the  latter 
being  a  horse  entered  for  the  third  race — and  would  not  be 
convinced  to  the  contrary,  pointing  to  the  programme  in 
proof  of  his  assertion.  "  There,  can't  you  read,  1  say  I 
'Artist,  br.  c  ;'  the  only  bright  chestnut  in  the  bill !  "  And 
you  could  not  have  persuaded   him   that   the   abbreviation 


HERE'S  THE  RUB  OF  IT.  127 

stood  for  "  brown  colt "  with  anything  short  of  a  liandspike. 
Then  it  occurred  to  Mr.  Milton  Sandorf  that  he'd  hke  to 
have  his  over-shoes  brought  over  from  the  stables,  and  he 
asked  Ancel  Williamson  if  he  would  not  kindly  let  one  of 
the  boys  step  over  and  tell  them  to  send  him  his  "rubbers." 
Uncle  Ancel  said  "  sartin,  sah ! "  and  shuffled  off.  A  few 
minutes  afterward,  word  was  brought  up  to  the  Judge's 
stand  that  the  mischiefs  own  crowd  was  below  and  insisted  on 
seeinff  Mr.  Sandorf  at  once.  Goino;  down  he  found  all  his 
stable  boys,  with  their  rubbing-cloths  in  their  hands,  vocifer- 
ating that  they  were  his  "  rubbers "  and  anxious  to  know 
what  he  wanted.  Rubbers  are  a  necessity  of  all  well  regu- 
lated stables,  you  must  know.  Hamlet,  in  his  famous  solilo- 
quy, admonishes  tlie  public  of  Denmark  that  it  is  a  mistake  to 
suppose  that  after  his  morning  exercise  the  horse  is  taken 
back  to  his  stall 

"  To  sleep,  perchance  to  dream.     No,  there's  the  rub." 

He  is  not   permitted    to   turn  in  until  rubbed  down  and 
polished  like  a  brass  fire-dog. 

Minnie  W.,  %vho  won  a  race  day  before  yesterday,  to-day 
made  one  think  that  the  rest  of  her  name  should  be  "  ont." 
Notwithstanding  that  she  was  the  favorite,  from  having  acci- 
dentally floundered  in  first  through  the  mud  and  water  of 
the  other  day,  and  was  so  heavily  backed  in  consequence 
that  no  demonstration  on  her  part  was  necessary,  she  kept 
backing  herself  about  as  though  nature  had  forgotten  to 
inform  her  wliicli  end  of  a  horse — or  a  "  filly,"  these  horse 
sharps  up  here,  like  Sandorf,  point  the  finger  of  scorn  at  you 
if  you  call  a  mare  a  horse  or  a  filly  a  mare — which  end  of  a 
quadruped  nature  intended  should  go  foremost.  And  it 
really  seemed  that  "Sunrise"  would  have  to  liave  lier  name 
changed  to  Sunset  before  she  got  through  with  it,  hanging 
back  until  no  one  doubted  that  she  descended  from  Ultima, 
as  set  forth  by  the  programme.  However,  she  got  the  race. 
And  a  piece  of  information  dawned  upon  me  tlicn  in  my 
investigations  which  never  bo  much  as  beamed  on  me  before, 


128  RELATIONSHIP  AMONG  HORSES. 

and  I'll  let  it  bulge  upon  you.  Both  "  Sunrise"  and  "Min- 
nie W."  were  down  on  the  programme  "By  Planet,"  but 
out  of  different  dams.  And  I  happened  to  speak  of  them 
as  "  sisters." 

"  No,"  said  one  of  your  experts  in  supercilious  tones. 

"  I  mean  half-sisters,"  I  went  on,  meekly  but  firmly. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,"  with  the  air  of  one  who  had  owned  more 
horses  than  I  ever  saw ;  "  horses  out  of  the  same  dam  by  the 
same  sire  are  brother  or  sister ;  horses  out  of  the  same  dam  by 
different  sires  are  half-brother  or  half-sister ;  horses  out  of 
different  dams  by  the  same  sire  are  no  relation  at  all."  That 
this  way  of  reckoning  is  sheer  nonsense  is  the  severest  thing 
I  will  say  about  it.  According  to  such  a  style  of  keeping 
books  the  best  horse  in  the  world  is  deprived  of  the  proud 
privilege,  not  to  say  the  hilarious  happiness,  of  having  a  first 
cousin,  leaving  a  mother-in-law  entirely  out  in  the  cold. 
What  American  citizen  would  submit  to  this  without  a  strug- 
gle for  it  ? 

Now  to  go  on  with  the  races — and  to  get  away  from  them 
as  soon  as  possible,  for  facts  are  stubborn  things,  and  I  hate 
facts,  and  if  horses  too  stubborn  to  start  are  not  facts,  I  don't 
know  what  are.  In  the  next  race,  for  which  there  were 
seven  entries,  "  Boss  Tweed  "  reared  and  pirouetted  and 
chassecd  about  the  track  as  though  he  (I  guess  he's  a  he) 
imagined  Providence,  to  say  nothing  of  the  balance  of  Rhode 
Island,  intended  that  a  horse  should  walk  on  two  legs  instead 
of  on  four — leaving  hisforelegsentirely  out  of  consideration, 
in  fact,  and  giving  some  individual  with  aspirations  toward 
puns  but  a  very  bad  idea  of  pronunciation,  opportunity  to 
congratulate  "  Boss  Tweed's  "  owner  upon  having  a  "  rare 
horse."  But  nobody  bet  on  the  "  Boss  " — perhaps  because 
of  an  apprehension  that  the  Committee  of  Seventy  would 
arrest  him  before  he  got  half  way  round  the  track.  And 
True  Blue  ran  the  race  in  3:32^,  the  best  two-mile  time  on 
record,  by  two  seconds,  3:34|  having  stood  in  the  front  for- 
merly, made  by  Lyttleton,  at  Lexington,  Ivy.,  on  the  23d  of 
May,  1S71.  True  Blue  being  by  Lexington  makes  it  all  in 
the  family  this  time. 


SYMrATUY  FOR  A  SICK  HORSE.  129 

On  tlie  last  day  of  tlie  First  Meeting  the  first  race  of  the 
day  was  won  by  Crow's  Meat — which  was  meat  aud  proper. 
There  were  but  two  horses — no,  I  beg  pardon,  there  was  no 
horse  at  all  entered  for  the  purse,  one  animal  being  a  "ch. 
e."  (Saratoga  for  chestnut  colt),  the  other  a  "b.  f."  (botanical 
for  bay  filly).  The  other  name  of  the  b.  f.  was  Persimmons, 
and  she  proved  her  blood  and  justified  her  baptism  by  pucker- 
ing up  the  mouths  of  her  backers,  notwithstanding  that  she 
was  the  favorite  at  starting  by  about  three  to  two.  She  got 
the  best  of  the  send  off,  but  Travers'  Crow's  Meat  very  soon 
got  a  huckleberry  or  two  ahead  of  Crouse's  Persimmons  and 
came  in  winner  by  nearly  four  lengths.  So  Crow's  Meat  did 
not  turn  out  Crouse's  meat  exactly ;  for  the  matter  of  meat, 
however,  there  was  little  to  choose  between  the  colt  and  filly 
(I  shall  carefully  avoid  saying  "  horse  "  again,  however  much 
I  talk  it,  for  the  remainder  of  my  natural  life),  a  filly  de 
re-bufi'  in  this  instance.  The  second  race  did  not  interest 
me  much,  but  the  third  one  did. 

Kow,  understand,  I  am  no  advocate  of  betting.  It  is  a  great 
crime  to  bet,  especially  when  you  bet  on  the  wrong  horse. 
When  I  make  up  my  mind  deliberately  to  do  anything  morally 
wrong,  I  endeavor  to  be  as  near  right  about  it  as  possible. 
This  time  I  bet  on  a  sure  thing,  the  other  name  of  which 
was  "  Wanderer."  Only  two  other  horses  (not  a  colt  nor  a 
filly  nor  a  mare  nor  a  gelding  among  them,  mark)  started, 
these  two,  Harry  Bassett  and  Hubbard,  representing  McDan- 
iel's  den. 

A  great  deal  of  sympathy  was  felt  in  the  outset  for  poor 
Mr,  McDaniel,  for  it  leaked  out  some  way  that  nu])bard  Avas 
eick ;  suspicions  were  abroad  that  he  had  been  tampered  with, 
and  the  general  indignation  was  (piite  equal  to  that  of  the 
jtugilist  who,  on  tasting  olives  for  the  first  time,  at  a  dinner 
given  by  Iiis  patron,  expressed  a  desire  to  put  a  head  on  the 
snoozer  who  liad  been  playing  unsavory  tricks  "  on  fhem 
]ilunis."  Everybody  felt  exceedingly  sorry  for  Mr.  McDaniel, 
and  went  and  bet  on  AVanderer.  "Wanderer  had  it  all  his 
own  way  for  a  while,  and  beat  the  other  horses  on  the  first 
9 


130  WALL  STREET  TRICKS  ON  THE  SARATOGA  TURF. 

and  second  mile  elegantly ;  but,  unfortunately,  it  happened 
to  be  a  three-mile  race,  and  at  the  last  of  it  Hubbard  began 
to  pick  up,  and,  on  coming  into  the  home-stretch,  just  laid 
his  ears  back  and  came  along  to  the  string,  three  lengths  the 
winner,  which  was  doing  pretty  well  for  a  sick  horse.  Less 
sympathy  is  felt  for  Mr.  McDaniel  than  there  was ;  it  is 
surmised  that  he  will  withdraw  all  his  well  colts,  horses, 
fillies,  mares,  and  geldings  from  the  turf,  and  run  nothing 
but  sick  horses  for  the  future.  For  my  part,  when  Hubbard 
passed  the  string  I  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  I  and  a 
number  of  others  had  been  on  a  string,  and  the  process  of 
reasoning  was  a  rapid  one. 

It  struck  me  very  forcibly  all  at  once  that  Wall  Street  had 
been  moved  up  here  ;  yea,  in  the  name  of  the  owner  of  the  win- 
ner I  spelled  out  "  McDaniel  Drew,"  and  it  seemed  to  me  that 
again  a  number  of  prominent  dealers  had  "  gone  back  on  the 
pool."  Looking  around  I  missed  very  few  faces  ;  Tracy,  Sage 
and  Gould  were  absent,  but  the  rest  were  lying  around.  Ah, 
well,  this  thing  is  over  now  for  awhile,  and  the  sick  horses 
will  have  a  resting  spell  of  three  days  before  the  Second 
Meeting  begins. 

My  teeth  are  still  on  edge  over  a  steeple  chase  two  days  fl 
back.     Steeple   chase !  why   this   misnomer  ?     So  far   from  I 
chasing  up  a  steeple,  these  racing  men  will  take  a  cross-road  " 
and  go  through  the  woods  a  hundred  miles  out  of  their  way 
to  avoid  even  passing  by  a  church  any  day  of  the  week,  let 
alone  Sunday  ! 

In  conclusion  I  wish  to  remark  that  I  only  chronicle  the 
races  at  all  in  the  interests  of  history.  The  sporting  reporters 
give  facts  simply,  and  never  drop  into  poetry  at  all.  I  give 
poetry  as  much  as  possible,  and  am  never  guilty  of  facts  if 
they  can  be  avoided  without  dishonor.  This  does  not  at  all 
vitiate  my  work,  for  facts  enter  into  history  to  a  very  small 
extent.  Poetry  survives  almost  everything!  And  when 
Macaiilay's  New  Zealander  sits  on  a  broken  arch  of  the 
bridge  which  connects  Congress  Hall  with  the  ball  and 
billiard  room,  and  gazes  upon  the  ruined  ''  Grecian  Dome  " 


BLIND  TOM  "SEES"  THE  BOYS.>  ISl) 

over  the  Columbian  Spring  (which  will  only  necessitate  his' 
being  able  to  see  through  two  or  three  brick  walls  and  a  block 
of  buildings),  I  want  him  to  read  a  fossihzed  copy  of  my 
book  and  know  just  how  the  races  went.  He  will  better  digest 
his  ragout  of  young  farina-fed  babies,  served  up  at  the  United 
States  Hotel— which  will  be  in  full  blast  about  that  time 
—if  he  knows  that  Blind  Tom,  second  in  the  pools,  won  that 
steeple  chase,  and  that  Village  Blacksmith,  first  favorite,  was 
nowhere.  And  if  he  doesn't  conclude  as  he  picks  his  teeth 
after  a  dessert  of  Boston  crackers,  that  this  has  always  been 
the  way  of  it  with  favorites  since  the  world  began,  why  it  is 
simply  because  he  is  big  enough  fool  to  bet  on  the  Tillage 
Blacksmith  of  his  remote  day.  If  these  remarks  seem  severe, 
just  take  into  consideration  the  fact  that  I  have  very  little 
money  to  lose  and  that  that  went  on  Village  Blacksmith. 
So  endeth  the  First  Meeting. 


CHAPTEK  XYIII. 

A   NIGHT   AFFRAY   AND   MRS.    PAUL    AS    ONE   OF   A    COMMITTEE. 

BY  way  of  celebrating  the  close  of  the  first  week's  races,  I 
suppose,  a  crowd  of  brazen  jackasses  who  occupied  a 
cottao-e  in  the  hotel  grounds  filled  the  air  with  their  brays 
night  before  last  about  2  o'clock  in  the  morning.  As  we  are 
all  invalids  up  here — a  thousand  of  us  or  so — a  remonstrance 
was  made  by  a  disturbed  octogenarian  in  a  second  stoiy. 
No  attention  being  paid  to  this,  another  protest  was  put  in 
by  some  one  in  the  third  story — and  that  story  would  have 
been  continued — something  like  a  casual  remark  and  a  piece 
of  crockery  or  two  were  dropped,  I  believe.  The  heathen 
China  was  played  upon  them,  so  to  speak.  But  there  was  no 
disposition  on  their  part  to  have  peace,  it  seems,  and  the  lively 
bombardment  with  champagne  bottles,  glasses,  and  things 
that  went  on  for  a  while  between  that  wing  of  the  hotel  and 
the  "  C  "  cottage  was  a  sight  to  see,  and  well  calculated  to 
astonish  the  aborigines. 

The  deep  feeling  of  indignation  on  the  part  of  guests  next 
morning  I  will  not  attempt  to  picture,  but  the  injustice  done 
to  the  proprietors  of  the  hotel,  who  of  course  were  blamed 
by  the  unwary,  to  say  nothing  of  opposition  kndlords,  by 
such  a  picnic,  you  must  imagine.  As  I  passed  the  exasper- 
ated Mr.  Blinser  this  morning  I  heard  him  declare  : — "  Out 
he  goes;  I  don't  care  if  he  is  worth  a  million  dollars  1" 
Considerable  uneasiness  was  caused  in  my  mind  by  this 
remark,  but  I  afterwards  found  out  that  he  didn't  mean  me. 

Guests  no  more  drive  out  to  visit  "  Tlie  Saratoga  Battle- 

132 


</,-7tX4^.u  .  . -,_j^jg^g 


KKI.Ii   -  '>!      \    \  H.il  I    Al  i  l;  \' 


THE  BATTLE-GROtJXD.  133 

ground."  They  just  walk  over  to  the  scene  of  last  night's 
fray  and  pick  up  relics — the  bottoms  of  bottles  and  tumblers 
(too  frequent  glimpses  of  these  bottoms,  probably,  lie  at  the 
bottom  of  the  disturbance),  boot-jacks,  cakes  of  hotel  soap 
(one  went  through  the  brick  wall  of  the  church),  false  teeth, 
slop-jars,  hair-pins,  curling  tongs,  things  that  women  friz 
with,  cans  of  preserved  fruit,  faro  checks  and  other  curiosi- 
ties from  Niagara  Falls,  big  dictionaries,  slate  pencils,  tickets 
in  French  pools  that  didn't  win,  white  pine  wardrobes 
painted  in  imitation  of  black  walnut  that  w^on't  hold  any 
clothes  but  answer  just  as  well  as  anything  else  to  fling  at  a 
fellow's  head,  books  that  no  gentleman's  library  should  be 
without,  one  grand  piano;  three  accordeons,  nineteen  flutes 
and  a  French  horn  that  were  not  used  on  this  occasion  by 
their  owners ;  Boston  crackers,  green  peas  with  which  the 
house  is  supplied  by  its  Gardner,  papers  of  Moon's  fried 
potatoes,  euchre  packs  and  hop  tickets,  empty  pill  boxes, 
chignons  and  other  deadly  missiles — but  I  have  not  time  to 
enumerate  all  the  projectiles  that  can  be  picked  up;  if  any 
one  will  tell  me  what  cannot  be  found  on  the  ground,  I'll 
mention  it. 

Just  at  present  the  prevailing  inquiry  is: — "Who  raised 
the  row?"  None  seem  anxious  to  wear  the  blushing  honors 
of  it,  but  we  all  know  the  parties,  and  were  they  not  heart- 
ily ashamed  of  the  performance  themselves,  I'd  exhibit 
their  names.  One  thing  is  determined  upon  in  my  mind, 
never  again  will  1  travel  without  taking  my  double-ban:eled 
shot  gun  along.  A  pint  or  two  of  pigeon-shot  would  have 
made  a  deal  of  difference  in  the  boys'  feelings,  and  I  should 
have  slept  much  better  after  expressing  myself. 

Then  we  were  kept  up  again  last  night,  but  this  time  the 
siiffcring  was  in  a  better  cause.  A  Promenade  Concert  and 
Soiree  iJansante  (which  latter  is  French  for  shin-dig)  was- 
given  at  the  Grand  Union  for  the  benefit  of  the  Home  of  the 
Good  Shepherd.  Of  course  such  an  affair  was  bound  to  gO' 
off  well  by  Crook  if  not  by  hook,  but  this  was  a  remarkable 
success. 


134:  MY  WIFE  AS  A  COMMITTEEMAN. 

If  I  am  ever  caught  speaking  in  any  terms  save  those  of 
enthusiastic  praise  of  anything  on  which  my  wife  is  put  as 
one  of  tlie  Committee  of  Arrangements,  let  me  no  longer  be 
correspondent  of  a  Great  Moral  Orgari.  This  M^as  the 
first  time  that  Mrs.  Paul  ever  aj)peared  in  similar  characters 
• — printed  in  pink  letters  on  a  cream-colored  card — and  she 
has  been  too  proud  to  speak  to  me  ever  since.  She  can  now 
reach  down  her  clothes  from  the  highest  hooks  without  the 
aid  of  either  lad  or  ladder.  I  didn't  see  that  she  did  any 
more  than  any  one  else ;  that  she  bought  no  tickets  I  am 
morally  certain,  for  we  both  sailed  in  as  members  of  the 
press,  the  most  independent  of  journalists ;  indeed,  she  was 
not  aware  that  she  was  a  committeeman  till  the  thing  was 
over  and  some  one  informed  her  that  her  name  was  on  the 
programme ;  but  now  she  considers  that  the  success  of  the 
affair  is  due  wholly  to  her. 

"Didn't  the  concert  go  off  well?"  she  remarks  to  every 
lady  she  meets  whose  name  was  not  on  the  committee,  gra- 
ciously adding :  "  I  seldom  take  part  in  such  things,  but  on 
this  occasion  I  consented  to  act,  the  object  being  such  a 
laudable  one.  You  know  a  few  prominent  names  are  neces- 
sary to  give  the  public  confidence  that  their  money  won't  be 
ill  spent.  I  suppose  now  that  you  went  because  you  saw  my 
name  there." 

This  pleases  the  other  lady,  of  course,  and  she  at  once 
kisses  my  wife  on  both  cheeks  and  beseeches  her  to  come 
over  to  her  room  and  bring  her  sewing  and  spend  every 
morning  for  a  week,  and  then  goes  down  to  the  spring  and 
confides  to  every  friend  she  meets  that  she  suspects  that  that 
little  Mrs.  Paul  is  no  better  than  she  should  be ;  she  may  be 
married  to  the  red-headed,  knock-kneed  chap  with  big  feet 
that  goes  round  with  her,  but  she'd  be  a  good  deal  more 
respectable  if  she  hadn't  any  husband  at  all,  rather  than  such 
a  looking  one  as  that ;  and  that  for  her  part  she  wouldn't 
have  such  a  husband  for  the  world. 

Then  she  playfully  alludes  to  my  wife's  back  hair,  per- 
haps, and  says  if  she  can't  do  it  up  more  becomingly  herself 


REEDY  IX  THE  UPPER  REGISTER.  135 

she  had  better  employ  a  hairdresser,  and  if  she  can't  employ 
a  hairdresser  she  has  no  business  to  be  here  at  Saratoga, 
swellino-  around  in  a  corn-colored  barege,  cut  in  the  neck  way 
down  to  her  heels,  and  maneuvering  to  get  some  one  to  stick 
her  on  the  Committee  of  Arrangements  because  that  loafer- 
ish-looking  husband  of  hers  writes  for  the  G.  M.  0.  The 
lady  to  whom  all  this  is  confided,  immediately  comes  to  my 
wife  and  tells  he-r  all  that  has  been  said,  and  this  makes  it 
interesting  and  pleasant  all  around.  There's  nothing  like 
having  everybody  feel  cheerful  and  comfortable,  and  these 
little  social  events  add  much  to  the  charms  of  human  life. 

This  has  been  rather  a  long  parenthesis  and  I've  wandered 
away  from  the  Home  of  the  Good  Shepherd.  Return  we 
now  to  our  mutton  : — Aside  from  the  fact  of  my  wife's  being 
one  of  the  Committee  of  Arrangements,  the  concert  was 
chiefly  remarkable  for  the  debut  of  a  young  lady  who  intends 
soon  to  make  her  appearance  on  a  broader  lyric  stage.  So 
far  as  my  judgment  goes,  the  young  woman  had  a  good 
voice  enough ;  but  one  of  that  sort  who  are  nothing  if  not 
hypercritical  remarked  that  her  voice  was  "  a  little  reedy  in 
the  upper  register."  I  don't  know  how  it  is,  but  when  per- 
sons can  think  of  nothing  else  to  say  about  singers  they 
always  talk  about  their  being  "  reedy  in  the  upper  registers." 
AVliat  the  phrase  means,  puzzles  me,  unless  it  be  intended 
as  a  dig  at  those  nuisances  who  are  always  monopolizing  the 
hotel  registers,  and  give  no  one  else  a  chance  to  read  them. 

It  is  very  certain  that  with  being  up  two  nights  in  suC' 
cession  /  am  excessively  seedy  in  my  upper  register,  and 
if  ever  my  wife  is  to  be  a  Committee  of  Arrangements  again, 
1  want  to  know  it  in  time  to  "  go  West,  young  man." 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

IN   WHICH    A   LONG    FAREWELL    IS    BIDDEN     TO     THE     TTJEF,    AND 
ALL    FURTHER    ASSOCIATION     WITH     HORSEMEN     AND      HORSES 

FORESWORN. 

IMPRESSED  with  the  idea  that  human  life  is  too  brief 
to  be  spent  in  waiting  for  two-year-olds  to  get  a  start,  I 
have  retired  from  the  turf,  my  temper  acidulated  and  my 
teeth  on  edge  with  their  false  tarts.  ''  Two-year-olds,"  indeed ! 
They  may  be  that  age  when  brought  on  the  ground,  but 
they're  past  it  and  well  on  to  three  before  they  get  a  send-off. 
Besides,  having  lost  every  bet  I  made  and  every  pool  I 
bought  (but  two),  I've  come  to  the  conclusion  that  racing 
exerts  a  bad  moral  influence  on  the  community,  and  should 
be  sternly  discountenanced  by  all  who  lead  society. 

When  I  came  here  I  hadn't  a  bad  habit  to  my  back.  And 
I  kept  along  in  that  way  till  the  races  began.  How  associa- 
tion with  the  most  noble  animal  in  creation  can  so  demoralize 
man  I  do  not  know,  but  it  is  a  sad  fact  that  men  cannot 
fraternize  with  horses  without  becoming  fearfully  demoral- 
ized. What  the  subtle  spell  of  evil  is,  how  the  horse  is 
enabled  to  work  this  diabolical  influence  on  his  human  com- 
panions, I  cannot  explain ;  but  the  fact  is  patent.  Contact 
with  the  noble  animal — training  him,  feeding  him,  grooming 
him,  familiarity  with  his  society  in  any  way  and  under  any 
circumstances — will  inevitably  bring  a  man  to  smoke,  spit, 
swear,  chew  tobacco,  lie,  and  steal.  Yet  the  horse  does  none 
of  these  things  himself;  on  the  contrary,  he  is  generally  well 
behaved,  and,  with  the  exception  of  a  few  vicious  biting  and 

136 


DEMORALIZING  IXFLUENCE  OF  HORSES.  137 

kicking  brutes,  is  rather  an  ornament  to  society  than  other- 
wise. 

Look  at  the  Arab,  who  eats  and  sleeps  with  his  horse,  and 
whose  affection  for  the  beast  is  so  remarkable  that  when,  half 
famislied,  he  is  solicited  by  rich  merchants  to  sell  the  "  steed," 
he  weighs  the  matter  in  his  mind,  and  the  purse  in  his  hand, 
until  with  a  "  No  !  no  !  it  can  never  be  !  "  he  jumps  on  the 
back  of  his  horse,  and  vanishes  from  sight  like  the  wind — 
with  the  purse  in  his  pocket,  having  forgotten  to  restore  it 
when  he  refused  the  offer.  These  Arabs  are  not  commonly 
regarded  as  model  of  the  manly  virtues,  and  their  roguery 
and  wickedness  is  but  the  natural  result  of  sleeping  with 
their  horses.  So  conscious  was  I  of  this  sad  influence,  that 
after  my  one  interview  with  Tom  Bowling,  I  did  not  enter  a 
stable  lor  fear  that  the  temptation  to  steal  a  saddle,  or  a 
double  harness,  or  a  bag  of  oats,  or  something  else  of  no 
value  to  me,  and  not  easy  of  disposal  to  others  might  come 
upon  me  too  strongly  to  be  resisted,  and  my  career,  so  bright 
in  its  beginning,  and  so  brilliant  in  prospective,  have  a  dark 
and  ijjnominious  endino;.  But  I've  done  with  it  all  now. 
Pools  trouble  me  no  more,  nor  would  I  trouble  even  the 
Pool  of  Bethesda  if  it  lay  before  me  ever  so  invitingly ;  I 
take  no  little  dips  for  the  future. 

It  is  joy  to  feel  that  I  am  escaped  from  under  the  fatal 
fascination  of  Underwood.  I  still  see  that  most  uureverend 
Doctor — for  memory  will  occasionally  run  riot  in  the  past — 
leaning  forward  iu  his  stand,  with  the  face  of  a  clean  shaven 
saint  and  the  air  and  voice  of  an  Elder.  I  still  hear,  in 
drea.ms : — 

^^Four  hundred  for  Bassett^  gentlemen,  and  a  thousand  in 
the  p-o-o-o-o-o-l — a  thouHand  in  the  po-o-o — in  the  p-o-o-o^ 
gentleuien  ;  and  hovi  much  for  Boss  Tweed,  how  much  for  the 
Boss — f(jr  th.e  Boss,  gentlemen  ;  seventy-five  for  \\\cBoss-s^  for 
the  Boss-5-s,  the  BOSS-S-S-S ;  and  how  much /or  the  f-i-e-1-d 
— for  the /"-e-e-Z-,  gentlemen — how  much  for  the  fe-e-e?" 

<^)li,  tlie  skilful  art  with  which  he  always  placed  the  accent  on 
the  most  unimportant  monosyllabic,  the  sibilance  with  which 


138  STAND  NOT  UNDER  UNDERWOOD. 

he  dwelt  on  the  Boss !  It  never  seemed  to  me  that  I  was 
doing  a  wrong  on  these  occasions  ;  there  was  a  soft  persuasion 
in  the  man's  accents,  a  holy  hush  in  his  tones,  as  though  he 
were  urging  sinners  to  come  forward  and  be  saved,  and  yield- 
ing to  his  verbal  dandling  I  almost  fancied  myself  at  camp- 
meeting,  and  that  the  purchase  of  "the  Boss"  was  essential 
to  my  salvation.  True,  the  Boss  had  won  nothing  at  the 
meeting,  but  he  might ;  he  was  accustomed  to  "  big  rings," 
and  the  one  in  which  he  w^as  to  run  is  a  mile  round.  If  he 
couldn't  "  steal  the  race,"  even  with  so  many  eyes  looking 
on,  what  business  had  they  to  baptize  him  "  Boss  ? " 

Some  persons  account  fur  the  Boss'  bad  time  by  imagining 
that  the  evil-disposed  O'Brien,  who  was  seen  figuring  about 
on  the  quarter-stretch,  sprinkled  a  few  vouchers  in  the  Boss' 
way,  but  my  private  impression  is  that  he'd  have  made  bet- 
ter running  if  he  had  depended  less  on  "picking  up  "  at  the 
last ;  perhaps,  too,  he  was  not  over  anxious  to  come  "  under 
the  string,"  having  a  consciousness  that  if  he  waited,  and 
each  got  his  own,  the  string  would  find  him.  There  was  no 
reason  for  my  buying  the  Boss  that  I  know  of,  beyond  the 
fact  that  the  pool-seller  fixed  his  eye  on  me  and  made  me 
think  that  1  had  to. 

And  I  wonder  how  many  have  come  under  Underwood's 
fatal  spell  and  got  away  unscathed  ?  Not  one,  I  venture  to 
say.  Yield  yourself  once  to  the  sway  of  that  sirenical  voice 
and  it's  all  day  with  you.  With  the  announcement  of  so 
much  "m  the  po-o-o-1,  gentlemen,  in  the  po-o-o-o  "  you  begin 
to  wriggle,  and  as  the  cooing  goes  on  you  edge  up,  and  at 
"  how  much  for  the  f-i-c-1-d,  gentlemen,  for  the  f-e-e-e-?"  you 
find  yourself  close  under  the  stand,  your  pocket-book  out, 
and  yourself  a  lost  man.  Avoid  Underwood,  my  friends,  or 
if  you  will  go  down  on  the  quarter-stretch,  stuff  cotton  in 
your  ears,  and  look  to  it  that  no  one  pulls  wool  over  your 
eyes. 

Strange  how  "  Heaven  sends  almonds  to  those  who  have 
no  teeth."  Immediately  that  it  got  out  that  I  was  going  no 
more  to  the  races,  several  offered  me  seats  in  their  carriages 


WINE  WHICH  IT  IS  SAFE  TO  DRINK,  139 

to  ride  oat  every  race  day.  Before,  I  had  either  to  walk  the 
half  mile  out  and  in  like  a  man,  or  pay  one  dollar  for  being 
driven  like  a  darned  fool.  And  no  sooner  did  it  become 
bruited  about  that  I  didn't  drink,  than  along  came  Col.  John- 
son, slapping  me  on  the  back  with  : — 

"My  dear  boy,  that  brandy  and  sherry  I  promised  you  so 
often  and  so  long.,  I'm  going  to  send  to  you  now." 

Oh,  the  wine  that  friends  promise  to  send  us  in  their 
moments  of  generous  exuberance,  how  little  space  it  occu- 
pies in  our  cellars,  how  safe  it  is  to  drink  if  one  confines  him- 
self to  that  alone  !  It  seems  but  yesterday  that  Thompson 
remarked  at  my  dinner-table  : — 

"  This  Ike  Cook  champagne  of  yours  is  good,  John,  but 
it's  not  so  good  as  some  that  Jay  Gould  sent  me — a  dozen 
eases — from  his  island  vineyard ;  I'll  send  you  three  of  them 
to-morrow." 

Every  empty  bin  in  my  cellar  was  then  full  of  the  "  grapy  " 
wines  my  various  friends  had  given  me  ;  but  I  went  resolutely 
to  work  at  that  late  hour  of  the  night  and  cleared  out  a  place 
for  it  in  my  imagination,  packed  it  nicely  away,  and  it  stands 
on  the  same  shelves  still. 

To  resume — which  is  more  than  the  many  friends  who  fail 
in  these  promises  do — my  adieu  has  fallen  gently  on  the  turf. 
The  culmination  of  my  career  occurred  day  before  yesterday. 
Stepping  up  to  a  sporting  gentleman  with  whom  I  had  hap- 
pened to  become  acquainted,  to  ask  him  how  old  a  "  lilly  "  is 
when  it  ceases  to  be  a  "horse"  and  becomes  a  "  mare,"  or 
some  other  abstruse  problem  in  erpiine  equations  which  puz- 
zled me,  he  introduced  me  to  the  gentleman  with  whom  he 
was  talking  and  walked  away,  leaving  me  with  his  friend. 

Concluding,  from  the  general  get-up  of  my  new  acquaint- 
ance, that  he  was  a  mem])er  of  one  of  the  learned  professions, 
perhaps  one  of  the  new  judges,  I  began  cudgeling  my  brain 
how  best  to  address  him,  and  had  just  concluded  to  introduce 
international  law  and  find  out  how  little  he  knew  of  the  sub- 
ject before  I  went  on  witli  it  at  Icugtli,  wlien  he  took  me 
confidentially  by  the  arm  and  informed  me  that  he  formei'ly 


140  A  BANKER  UNBOSOMS  HIMSELF  TO  ME. 

ran  a  bank  in  New  Orleans  and  thonglit  of  opening  one 
here.  I  felt  glad  to  hear  it,  and  told  hiui  so  frankly,  for  it 
was  a  gratification  to  know  that  I  had  made  so  respectable 
an  acquaintance,  and  stood  talking  familiarly  with  him  in  a 
public  place,  where  everybody  saw  me. 

Yes,  he  said,  seemingly  gratified  by  my  ready  sympathy, 
it  would  be  a  square  game,  of  course,  but  he  intended  to  make 
it  pay,  and  he  was  looking  round  for  some  one  to  go  in  with 
him,  if  not  as  partner,  as  "dealer,"  say,  or  possibly  to  lie 
around  loose  and  rope  the  boys  in  ;  he  thought  from  my  looks 
I'd  suit  him  exactly,  and  we'd  better  cut  in  together. 

That  was  good  on  the  only  living  son  of  a  mother  who 
sent  out  three  sons  as  missionaries  to  be  eaten  by  South  Sea 
Islanders,  and  whose  only  regret  now  is  that  a  strong  flavor 
of  snuff  about  me,  (contracted  early  in  life  from  the 
Scotch  nurse  at  whose  breast  I  drank  in  lacteal  sustenance 
and  a  fondness  for  oat-meal  and  scratching,  which  continues 
to  this  day,)  rendered  me  ineligible  to  the  position.  So  you 
see  it  is  little  to  be  wondered  at  that  I  have  determined  to 
abandon  the  turf  and  permit  all  connected  with  it  to  go  to 
grass. 

I  shall  talk  no  more  with  Travers ;  seo:reofate  no  more  with 
Sandorf ;  for  the  future  all  my  associations  shall  be  reputable. 
Farewell,  a  long  farewell,  to  all  your  fillies  and  follies,  colts, 
geldings,  mares  and  horses.  After  having  sat  at  the  feet  of 
these  evil  Gamaliels  for  a  week  or  two,  and  having  a  steady 
stream  of  it  poured  into  me,  I  am  proud  to  say  that  at  this 
moment  I  am  not  sufficiently  unregenerate  to  know  one  from 
the  other  ;  if  my  life  depended  on  it,  I  could  not  tell  a  suck- 
ling from  a  stallion,  a  weanling  from  a  yearling,  a  barn-door 
from  a  hay-rick.  It  is  no  use  to  tell  me  that  this  kind  of 
knowledge  may  be  useful  to  me  in  my  profession.  For  more 
than  a  fortnight  now  these  creatures  in  their  various  technical 
disguises  have  been  racing  through  my  distracted  brain,  kick- 
ing their  infernal  heels  up  and  down  in  the  stable  of  my 
imagination ;  my  days  have  been  sighs  over  sires,  my  nights 
dreams  about  dams — nightmares,  so  to  speak.     I  have  been 


FAREWELL  TO  THE  TURF.  141 

as  near  the  insane  asylum  as  I  care  to  get.  And  if  Mr.  San- 
dorf  fulfills  bis  threat  of  sending  me  a  "  Book  on  Horses  "  or 
a  copy  of  the  "  Rules  of  the  Racing  Association,"  I'll  make 
him  think  that  I'm  a  horse-pistol  bred  "out  of  Revolver  "  by 
a  Queen  Ann's  musket,  for  I'll  shoot  him  so  full  of  bullets 
that  they'll  have  to  hoist  him  up  into  the  judges'  stand  with 
a  derrick.  For  "  there  are  cords  in  the  human  breast,"  as 
Mr.  Guppy  remarks,  "  which  must  not  be  trifled  with," 

So  I  here  bid  farewell  to  Jocks  and  Jockeys,  "  weights  up," 
weights  down,  and  waits  for  two-}' ear-olds  to  get  started. 

And  I  think  there  is  hope  for  me  in  the  future.  My  con- 
nection with  the  turf  has  not  been  so  bad  as  it  might  have 
been.  It  is  true  that  I  have  bet,  but  I  have  the  sweet 
satisfaction  of  knowing  that  in  no  instance,  even  wdien  the 
chances  seemed  wholly  in  my  favor  and  every  one  had  assured 
me  in  advance  that  we  had  a  sure  thing  of  it,  never  have  I 
in  a  single  instance,  I  say — barring  two  in  which  I  didn't  get 
quite  as  much  out  of  the  mutual  pools  as  I  put  in — never 
have  I  taken  a  fellow-creature's  money. 

If  any  one  else  can  say  the  same,  and  will  say  the  same, 
also  adding,  as  these  fellows  always  do,  that  he  had  no  desire 
to  win  when  he  bet,  but  simply  went  in  for  the  sake  of  feel- 
ing a  little  interest  in  the  race,  not  caring  whether  he  lost  or 
not — I  will  say  nothing  disagreeable  at  the  time  (unless  he 
liappen  to  be  a  very  much  smaller  man  than  myself  and  wears 
a  plug-hat  that  can  be  knocked  over  his  eyes  the  first  lick), 
but  when  I  lay  my  head  down  on  my  pillow  at  night  I  shall 
say  to  myself,  "  That  man  lied." 


CHAFTEK  XX. 

MK8.  PAUL  GOES  OYEE  TO  HEAK  THE  BAND  PLAT,  AND  THERE 
IS  MUCH  TROUBLE  AND  TURMOIL  IN  CONSEQUENCE. 

PEEHAPS  yoii  think   it   is   all  smooth  sailing  up  here, 
when  a  man  has  abandoned  horses  and  such,  and  devotes 
himself  to  ladies  and  music?     Wait  a  minute   before  jou     ij 
arrive  at  any  rash  conclusion  which  might  lead  you  on  to  a 
rasher — i.  e.,  if  you  followed  the  inductive  process  of  Bacon. 

"  Dear  Me.  Gilmore  : — Won't  you  kindly  play  '  Robin 
Adair'  to  please  a  lady  friend  of  mine  who  is  in  ecstacies 
over  the  way  that  j^our  band  churns  it  out.  I  don't  know 
that  1  can  reciprocate  in  kind,  for  I  don't  play  much 
now-a-days ;  but  if  you'll  come  over  to  my  rooms  this  even- 
ing I'll  scare  up  a  poker-deck  and  endeavor  to  instruct 
and  amuse  you.     Yours,  John  Paul." 

That  is  a  note  which  I  wrote  for  Georgina,  who  doats  on 
Gilmore  and  is  an  intimate  friend  of  my  wife.  They  both 
doat,  in  fact, — and  go  over  to  the  ground  every  day  to  hear 
him  play,  but  I  have  not  yet  known  either  of  them  to  go 
when  the  band  had  a  beneiit  and  it  cost  something  to  stand 
around.  On  such  occasions  they  never  feel  well  enough  to 
go  out  and  regret  it  exceedingly,  but  contrive  just  the 
same  to  stagger  into  the  supper-room  before  it  shuts  up  and 
get  away  with  a  chicken  apiece  or  a  plate  of  Peruvian  wood- 
cock (botanical  for  pork  and  beans),  or  something  else  equally 
light  and  substantial. 

Well,  as  I  was  saying,  I  wrote  the  note  for  the  ladies,  but 
they  didn't  go  over  to  the  Grand  that  night ;  if  I  remember 
rightly,  a  remark  at  the  door  about  a  dollar  discouraged  them, 

142 


I 


A  WOMAJS^'S  MISTAKE.  14,3 

and  it  flashed  across  Mrs.  P's  mind  that  she  had  put  the  baby 
to  bed  lying  east  and  west,  when  it  is  a  notorious  fact  that 
the  little  chap  can't  sleep  unless  he  points  square  north  and 
south,  and  they  came  back  to  rectify  the  mistake.  But  yes- 
terday afternoon  it  was  all  right,  a  good  fair,  square,  free 
deal;  the  band  was  playing  on  the  piazza,  and,  it  being  her 
turn  to  stand  treat,  Mrs.  Paul  invited  a  dozen  friends  to  go 
along,  and  they  all  went. 

When  the  first  piece  was  played  out,  Georgina  fished 
around  in  her  pocket  and  rattled  keys  for  a  while,  finally 
bringing  out  the  fateful  document,  a  piece  of  folded  note- 
paper  bearing  the  crest  of  the  Paul  family — a  lame  duck  {vert) 
with  its  head  stuck  in  the  mud  {regardant) — and  this  she 
gave  to  a  young  man  who  is  sweet  on  her  to  carry  up  to  the 
Eaphael-faced  leader.     Mr.  Gilmore  opened  it  and  read : — • 

"Dear  G. — If  you  want  a  wash-woman  let  me  recom- 
mend ours.  She  comes  twice  a  week,  and  does  it  for  a  dol- 
lar a  dozen,  and  seems  to  be  pious.  Ruffled  skirts  she  does 
up  beautiful,  and  she  flutes  lovely;  and  for  collars  and  hand- 
kerchiefs she  only  charges  half.  I'll  send  her  to  you  if  you'll 
give  me  the  number  of  your  room.     Atfectionately,  K.  P." 

Now  that  was  a  note  from  my  wife  to  Georgina,  who  had 
hinted  at  dissatisfaction  with  the  laundress,  and  Mrs.  P.. 
simply  meant  to  recommend  our  hlanchisseuse,  for  whom, 
as  mistress  of  the  mysteries  of  suds  and  such,  she  has  such 
esteem  that  I  presume  she  imagines  she  could  "  do  up " 
Abraham's  bosom  to  Sarah's  satisfaction,  and  would 
have  no  scruple  in  putting  her  forward  to  "clear  starch" 
for  the  saints;  and  this  diabolical  note,  it  seems,  was 
written  on  the  family  paper,  being  exactly  similar  in  exterior 
to  mine,  but  of  rather  diflferent  tenor. 

It  was  amusing  to  watch  Gilmore's  face  <as  he  read.  First 
a  puzzled  look  came  over  it.  At  "  ruffled  skirts  "  he  blushed 
from  foot  to  crown.  The  bald  spot  on  the  top  of  his  head 
became  crimson,  and  the  ladies  across  the  way  thought  they 
saw  a  suTiset  in  the  west;  for  Gilmore  is  a  modest  man, 
although   an   excellent   artist,  —  rather  a  rare   conjunction, 


144  HOW  THE  BAND  BORE  IT. 

by  the  way.  At  the  revelation  that  she  "  fluted  lovely,"  a 
gleam  of  intelligence,  an  expression  of  relief  stole  over  the 
great  musician's  line  countenance,  and  he  was  just  puckering 
his  mouth  to  say  that  there  was  no  vacancy  in  his  band  for  a 
flutist,  however  lovely,  at  present,  and  that  if  there  was  he 
could  admit  no  ladies,  as  it  was  not  a  seraphic  band,  when 
he  struck  hard  on  the  collars  and  handkerchiefs,  for  which 
only  half  was  charged,  and  was  lost  again,  of  course.  All 
this  while  the  devoted  band  had  sat  silent  and  wondering. 

Now,  on  seeing  a  flame  of  righteous  indignation  kindle  on 
their  leader's  cheek,  as  though  a  "  fire-bug  "  had  lit  there, 
the  Snare-drum  set  himself  up  and  gave  the  Trombone  a  tap, 
the  Trombone  slapped  himself  together  in  a  hurry,  with  less 
regard  than  usual  to  his  toot  en  semble,  and  leaned  over  and 
brayed  in  the  left  auricle  of  the  Violoncello ;  the  Violoncello 
growled  deep  down  in  his  belly  once  or  twice  and  then 
straightened  up  his  back  and  went  waddling  off"  vociferating 
"  Police !  "  For  Mr.  Gilmore  had  taken  off  one  of  his  kid 
gloves  and  was  raising  his  baton  in  a  threatening  way  above 
the  head  of  the  young  man  who  brought  him  the  note.  And 
the  young  man,  who  at  first  felt  rather  pleased  at  a  chance  to 
fling  his  best  foot  forward  and  be  seen,  if  not  in  converse 
with  the  great  Gilmore,  at  least  attentively  regarded  by  him, 
began  to  feel  rather  uncomfortable  and  remarked  that  he  had 
left  some  ladies  and  guessed  he'd  hurry  back  to  them — and 
he  kept  one  eye  on  the  baton  above  his  head,  lest  it  might 
fall  when  he  didn't  happen  to  be  looking  at  it. 

"Ladies!"  thundered  the  great  and  good  Gilmore,  "a 
thing  of  this  kind,  sir,  never  occurred  once  during  the  Boston 
Jubilee.  Had  it  occurred,  sir,  the  Coliseum  would  have 
fallen.     Explain  the  meaning  of  this  appalling  outrage." 

Mr.  Travers,  who  was  near,  seeing  that  there  was  some 
mistake,  and  that  trouble  was  imminent,  kindly  stepped  up 
to  explain,  but  this  didn't  help  matters  much.  While  he 
was  scoring  for  a  good  start,  1  came  forward,  and  this  made 
thinsfs  worse.  More  fat  was  in  the  fire  now  than  ever. 
Gilmore  thought  we  were  making  faces  at  him,  and  began  to 


■niK  INKI  IMATKI)  Ml  Sl(  I.W. 


THE  MYSTERY  SOLVED.  145 

clash  his  teeth  together  like  cymbals.  Good  sooth,  it  was  a 
very  pretty  picture.  There  stood  the  young  man  both 
blushing  and  hesitating ;  there  stood  Travers  and  I,  not  blush- 
ing much,  but  hesitating  consumedly ;  and  there  stood  awful 
Gihnore  with  baton  uplifted,  murder  in  one  eye,  and  his 
gold  bugle  in  the  other,  evidently  fearful  lest  Major  Leland 
mio-ht  pocket  it  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment. 

But  woman's  wit  came  to  the  rescue,  and  direful  con- 
sequences were  averted.  While  the  young  man  was  trying 
to  tell  who  sent  him  forward,  and  getting  no  further  than 
"It's  Miss — ,"  and  Travers  and  I,  in  our  efforts  to  reenforce 
him,  were  sticking  a  little  further  back  in  the  sentence,  the 
young  woman  herself  rose  on  the  impulse  of  the  moment  and 
a  convenient  chair,  and  cut  in  and  iinished  the  deal  by  shout- 
ing "  Take  !  "  Gihnore  took,  put  the  two  things  together, 
and,  gravely  bowing,  said  : — 

"  I  see ;  it's  a  mistake  !  " 

Then  we  three  two-year-olds  got  away  together  and  yelled 
"Mistake"  at  the  top  of  our  voices.  And  a  smile  came  over 
the  parchment  cheek  of  the  Snare-drum,  the  Trombone 
Btretched  his  mouth  out  a  yard  or  two  and  kissed  the 
Bassoon's  reedy  lips,  the  Violoncello  strung  himself  up  for 
the  occasion  and  said  in  a  rotund  voice  that  this  was  his  beau- 
ideal  of  the  way  a  quarrel  should  end  ;  all,  as  well  as  himself, 
he  thouo-ht,  had  resin  for  self-congratulation.  And  before 
any  one  knew  what  was  going  on  all  dashed  off  with  "  Robin 
Adair,"  and  Gihnore  led,  flourishing  his  stick  as  gayly  as 
though  it  were  a  shillaleh  and  he  at  Donnybrook  Fair.  And 
when  the  piece  was  done,  seemingly  aware  that  peace  had 
been  made,  even  strangers  came  up  and  congratulated  the 
great  and  good  Gilmorc,  and  we  all  returned  delighted  to 
the  (xrand  Union — more  than  delighted,  in  fact,  because,  as 
Mrs.  P.  remarked  : — 

"  Kobody  was  killed,  and  the  whole  thing  didn't  cost  a 
cent." 


10 


CHAPTEE  XXI. 

WHICH  18  ALL  SPENT  IN  DEFENCE  OF  THE  SPENDTHRIFT. 

^^"TTTELL,  I  rather  gness  I'll  just  flop  my  lip  over  a 
T  T  chicken."  This  is  what  a  gentleman  from  Placer- 
ville,  Cah,  said  this  morning  when  the  waiter  asked  him 
what  he'd  have  for  breakfast.  There  was  a  mild  poetry 
about  the  language,  an  extravagance  of  imagery  embodied 
in  the  idea  itself,  that  struck  my  fancy,  and  I  put  the  phrase 
on  record,  happy  in  being  able  to  furnish  the  pedicle  for  a 
dialectic  epic. 

The  word  "  extravagance  "  touches  the  keystone  of  a  text 
upon  which  I  have  long  been  anxious  to  play,  if  one  may 
imitate  the  metaphor  of  the  orator  who  declared  that  he 
smelt  a  rat,  saw  it  brooding  in  the  air,  and  would  nip 
it  in  the  bud.  So  many  sermons  are  preached  about  ex- 
travagance, especially  that  form  developed  at  watering-places, 
that  I  cannot  resist  the  temptation  of  prancing  into  the 
pulpit  by  the  back  stairs,  and  taking  a  shy  at  it  myself. 

First,  what  are  we  to  understand  by  the  word  ?  Going 
beyond  bounds  is  perhaps  its  most  natural  definition.  Bej'ond 
the  bounds  of  what?  In  the  matter  of  personal  expense  I 
can  think  of  no  bounds  to  be  violated  other  than  one's  ability 
to  afford.  Yet,  if  a  hundred  dollar  dress  is  put  upon  a  child, 
or  three  or  four  thousand  dollars  of  dry  goods  upon  the 
mamma,  if  a  carriage  with  six  horses  be  kept  up  or  a  retinue 
of  ten  servants  maintained,  a  moral  is  pointed  therefrom, 
and  a  sermon  on  the  sin  of  extravasrance  read.  To  my 
thinking,  if  a  man  can  do  all  this,  that,  and  the  other,  and 

146 


THE  CHRISTIAN  DUTY  OF  DRESSING  WELL.  147 

jet  fail  to  spend  all  his  superfluous  income,  he  ought  to  do 
80  some  more  till  he  does,  or  else  give  away  his  balance  in 
charitj,  out  and  out. 

The  making  of  tliat  child's  hundred  dollar  dress  and  the 
mother's  more  expensive  attire,  remember,  gave  employment 
to  many  poor  operatives ;  and,  as  clothes  must  be  renewed 
when  old  or  worn  out,  here  is  further  employment  in  the 
future.  The  six  horses  that  draw  the  luxuriously  lined 
carriage  make  a  market  for  the  farmer's  hay  and  oats,  and 
the  keeping  of  ten  servants  supplies  with  situations  several 
men  M'ho  otherwise  might  be  standing  at  street  corners,  with 
one  leg  strapped  up  to  the  waist,  or  two  good  well  eyes 
covered  with  unsightly  black  patches,  to  stimulate  charity. 
So  far  from  encouraging  the  accumulation  of  money  in  the 
liands  of  a  few,  1  believe  in  its  distribution ;  let  it  find  its 
level,  if  possible,  like  water ;  down  with  the  dams,  they  must 
burst  sooner  or  later.  The  "  extravagance "  so  much  com- 
plained of  in  fact  takes  money  from  those  who  have  it  to 
spare  and  places  it  where  it  is  needed,  and  is  really  charity  in 
its  most  unobjectionable  and  unobtrusive  shape. 

It  sounds  very  well  to  talk  about  "  giving  "  to  the  poor, 
but  my  observation  goes  to  encourage  the  belief  that  the 
names  of  those  who  declaim  loudest  against  "extravagance  " 
are  more  frequently  to  be  met  with  in  bids  for  some  j)rofit- 
able  investment  security  than  on  subscription  lists.  You 
"give  to  the  poor"  whenever  you  consume  anything  pro- 
duced by  labor.  The  motive  in  the  one  case  may  not  be  so 
worthy  as  in  the  other;  but  if  the  same  end  be  reached 
all  the  same,  why  not  let  the  thing  go  on?  If  rain  comes 
opportunely  to  turn  mill-wheels  standing  still  from  drouth, 
we  do  not  the  less  count  it  a  Ijicssing  because  it  was  not  sent 
specifically  for  that  very  purpose,  and  may  cause  a  freshet  in 
some  ])lace  where  water  is  not  needed.  Money  showered 
around  is  nearly  as  refreshing  to  growing  crops  as  rain,  and 
both  have  drawbacks  to  their  usefulness  at  times.  There 
was  a  deluge  once,  and  men  have  drowned  while  in  swim- 
nn'ug.      But  still,  let  it  rain.     Some  may  suller  from   the 


148  THE  WOE  PRODUCED  BY  ECONOMY. 

shower,  but  all  must  take  their  chances.     It  may  be  that  the  , 
prompting  to  "  extravagance,"  the  inspiration  to  buy  all  these  I 
costly  dresses  and  things,  comes  from  the  same  source  that 
loosens  the  rain-clouds   and  distributes  the  drops,  and  we 
cannot  say  exactly  where  they  are  needed.     The  unjust  get 
a  benefit  as  well  as  the  just. 

I  remember  hearing  Mr.  Bcecher,  in  a  sermon  upon  ex- 
travagance, once  tell  how  he,  when  first  married,  heard  a  man. 
crying  "Sweet  cider"  in  the  street,  and  went  dow^n  with  ten 
cents  in  one  hand  and  a  pitcher  in  the  other,  to  buy  a  quart 
of  the  beverage,  to  refresh  himself  after  the  labors  of  the 
day.  But  economy  came  to  his  aid,  and  he  returned  to  his 
room  dry,  but  ten  cents  richer.  As  he  inculcated  this  lesson 
of  economy  the  reverse  of  the  picture  showed  itself  in  my 
mind's  eye.  I  saw  a  poor  man  who  relied  on  the  profit  from 
that  barrel  of  cider  to  buy  a  supper  for  his  hungry  wife  and 
children,  going  home  to  his  garret  with  empty  hands  and 
di-owning  them  in  the  full  barrel  of  unsold  apple-juice, 
because  this  sudden  spasm  of  economy  had  set  in  all  around, 
and  the  refusal  of  all  to  buy  a  wholesome  drink  left  his 
family  nothing  to  eat.  But  all  of  this  sad  story  you'll  find 
set  forth  in  full  in  another  part  of  my  book. 

It  is  all  very  well  to  say  that  money  spent  by  those  who 
can  afEord  it  tempts  others  who  cannot  into  dishonesty  and 
bankruptcy  ;  but  carry  out  this  reasoning,  and  see  where 
you'll  land.  Longfellow  should  not  write  poetry,  then, 
because  all  young  men  and  maidens  of  a  certain  sympathetic 
age  may  be  tempted  into  twaddle.  A  surgeon  should  not 
cut  for  the  stone,  lest  every  fool  the  country  through  should 
be  encouraged  to  try  his  hand  at  it.  "Well  men  shouldn't 
dance,  lest  cripples  break  their  legs.  Ducks  shouldn't  take  to 
the  watdr,  lest  all  the  old  hens  scratching  round  should  be 
seized  with  an  ambition  to  swim.  Climax :  I  should  not  write 
these  agglomerations  of  intellect,  in  which  fact  and  fancy  trip 
gracefully  hand  in  hand,  like  the  drum-major  of  a  regiment 
leading  the  vivandiere  down  the  middle,  and  at  which  two 
hemispheres  stand  aghast,  lost  between  admiration  and  won- 


WHAT  MY  CHILDREN  NEED  NOT  EXPECT.  149 

der,  and  not  exactly  decided  whether  to  drive  me  "West  or 
club  me  to  death — must  not  send  these  agglomerations  to  the 
Great  Moral  Organ,  forsooth,  lest  every  other  idiot  who  can 
raise  a  bottle  of  violet-colored  ink  should  go  to  slinging 
letters  from  Saratoga !  Perish  the  thought.  The  absurdity 
of  such  an  idea  is  evident  to  "  the  meanest  capacity,"  and  I 
will  not  now  mention  his  name. 

In  conclusion,  I  merely  wish  to  say,  give  me  liberty,  give 
me  dates  (fresh  Barbary  ones,  and  not  those  of  my  youthful 
follies),  anything  but  avarice.  Laying  np  for  one's  children 
is  very  well  theoretically,  but  my  children  never  laid  up 
anything  for  me  that  I  know  of — why  should  1  for  them  ?  Nor 
is  it  clear  to  my  mind  that  this  laying  for  posterity  in  any  way  is 
the  high  Christian  duty  that  some  seem  to  think  it.  That  every 
human  being  should  earn  his  bread  by  the  sweat  of  his  brow  is 
a  destiny  which  none  can  evade  without  penalty.  I've  sweat  a 
good  deal  more  in  trying  to  get  away  from  work  than  ever  I  did 
in  working,  and  have  always  had  to  come  down  to  work  at 
last.  If  you  try  to  fix  it  so  that  your  children  can  live  with- 
out work,  depend  upon  it  they'll  probably  do  something  else 
twice  as  bad.  And  if,  after  this  fragrant  exposition  of  my 
views,  my  children  or  anybody  else's  expect  me  to  leave  them 
anything,  I  have  only  to  remark  that  they  will  be  disap- 
pointed. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

DETERMINING     TO     PLUNGE    KECKLESSLY   INTO   PERSONALITIES,    I 
PROVIDE   MYSELF   WITH   AN   IRON    PAN. 

IT  is  complained  that  these  letters  of  mine  are  too  vague, 
that  I  do  not  individualize  sufficiently,  that  I  deal  over 
much  in  glittering  generalities,  that  I  do  not  tell  who  is  here. 
For  the  future  I  have  determined  to  be  "  personal."  As  the 
first  preliminary  I  have  purchased  an  iron  pan  and  had  it 
sewed  into  the  seat  of  my  pantaloons.  It  is  not  ornamental, 
nor  can  I  say  that  it  is  comfortable  exactly ;  but  it  fits  tolera- 
bly, and  promises  to  wear  well.  I  shall  begin  my  "  personal " 
career  by  Meriting  about  valetudinarians  who  wear  light  sum- 
mer shoes,  with  the  intention  of  working  up  by  degrees  till 
I  think  I  can  stand  heavy  soles,  and  perhaps  after  a  while  I'll 
get  sufficiently  used  to  it  to  make  paragraphs  about  well 
people  who  wear  real  boots.     To  begin : — 

"  Isn't  your  hair  of  a  rather  Scarborough  color  ? "  asked  Col. 
Sandorf  of  me,  yesterday  morning,  as  we  walked  slowly 
home  from  church.  jSIow  this  Sandorf  is  not  the  one  I've 
been  writing  about  for  some  time  past,  but  I  may  remark 
incidentally  that  he  knows  no  more  about  horses  than  his 
brother  does,  nor  can  he  play  euchre  any  better  than  William 
Tenk ;  indeed,  I  have  my  doubts  whether  he  could  even 
beat  Dooby.  The  Colonel  is  usually  kept  in  pretty  close 
confinement  at  a  private  retreat  known  as  the  Krooblyn  Club, 
but  he  sometimes  makes  his  escape  from  there,  and  meeting 
him  casually,  you  would  think  him  perfectly  sane  were  it 
not  for  the  strange  delusion  in  which  he  persists  that  he 

150 


A  CONUNDRUM  0¥  COLOR.  151 

knows  how  to  play  euclire.  To  do  him  justice,  however,  I 
must  say  that  I  have  found  him  much  more  harmless  as  a 
partner  than  William  Burntull.  Since  a  little  argument  with 
him  the  other  day  over  the  proper  method  of  leading  where 
one  has  both  bowers,  ace,  aud  two  other  trumps,  which 
resulted  in  my  becoming  the  proud  possessor  of  several  hund- 
red shares  of  telegraph  stock,  he  has  shown  no  symptom  of 
mental  aberration ;  so  you  may  judge  of  my  surprise  and 
terror  when  he  suddenly  broke  out  as  above. 

"  Why  should  my  hair  be  a  Scarborough  color  ?"  I  asked, 
fixing  my  eye  on  his  kindly  but  firmly,  after  the  way  of 
experienced  keepers  when  dealing  with  dangerous  subjects. 

"Because  it  is  near  Sing  Sing,  ha-ha!"  and  he  rushed 
round  the  corner  with  a  maniacal  laugh. 

Slowly  and  sadly  I  walked  on,  looking  np  at  the  stores  and 
wondering  whether  a  strait-jacket  could  be  procured  on  Sun- 
day. Suddenly  the  Colonel  stepped  from  behind  one  of  the 
Corinthian  columns  of  the  Grand  Union,  calm  and  com- 
posed : — 

"  Some  one  said  that  your  hair  was  a  Skaneateles  color 
because  it  was  near  Auburn,"  he  explained,  "and  I  thought 
I'd  just  change  the  joke  a  little,  bring  it  nearer  home,  make 
it  fresher,  as  it  were.  There's  a  State's  Prison  at  Sing  Sing, 
too,  you  know,  and  Scarborough  is  the  next  station." 

There's  very  little  truth  in  the  above  anecdote,  but  it  will 
do  to  try  the  pan  with  just  as  well  as  if  there  were  more. 

"  Have  at  you  again,"  as  the  First  Grave  Digger  says  in 
Hamlet. 

I  never  go  near  the  bar-room  unless  I  have  business  there ; 
but  tliinking  1  smelt  something  burning  on  the  rear  piazza 
last  Friday  afternoon,  I  walked  out  in  that  direction  to  see 
al)0ut  it ;  also  to  see  if  any  one  was  thirsty  who  objected  to 
drinking  alone.  Looking  in  I  saw  what  seemed  to  be  the 
full  moon,  apparently  just  rising  from  a  tuml)ler  M'ith  a  straw 
in  its  mouth.  Stepping  up  for  a  nearer  inspection  of  the 
phenomenon,  I  recognized  the  genial,  glowing  face  of  Joe 
Prahcr,  who  was  performing  the  very  unusual  feat  of  putting 


152  PERSONALS  ABOUT  PERSONS. 

himself  outside  a  catawba  cobbler  witliout  the  least  assistance, 
no  collusion  on  the  part  of  any  of  the  audience.  The  waiter 
immediately  brought  another  straw,  and  we  very  soon  saw 
the  last  of  that  cobbler.  It  seems  that  he — Joseph,  not  the 
cobbler — was  on  his  way  home  from  Lake  Luzerne.  At  the 
depot  he  thought  he  smelt  something  burning,  just  as  I  did, 
and,  as  the  train  stopped  over  a  few  minutes,  ran  down  to 
the  Grand  Union  to  see  what  it  was.  And  if  it  were  import- 
ant to  history  at  all,  I  would  correct  a  misstatement  above 
made,  and  frankly  oM'n  that  he  had  to  pay  for  two  instead  of 
one,  in  consequence. 

The  above  personal  was  bom  of  the  preceding  one.  Men- 
tion of  a  Skaneateles  color  brought  up  a  vision  of  the  flame- 
colored  whiskers  which  burst  upon  me  last  Friday — whiskers 
60  near  auburn  that  they're  almost  Singe  Singe.  There's 
more  truth  about  this  item  than  the  other  one,  but  for  the 
life  of  me  I  can't  guess  whether  it  w^ill  result  in  a  permanent 
addition  to  my  library,  or  only  the  erection  of  a  temporary 
mansard  upon  me.  Time  alone  can  determine  and  heal,  if 
necessary. 

As  my  life  is  insured  for  a  great  deal  more  than  it  is  worth 
in  the  " Equitable,"  I  can  afibrd  to  ask,  and  Mith  some  assur- 
ance of  immunity,  if  you  have  noticed  a  kindly-faced  old 
gentleman,  sitting  on  one  of  the  parlor  sofas,  with  a  dozen 
children  round  him  ?  That  is  Col.  Anderlexa,  otherwise 
known  as  "  The  Children's  Friend."  His  pockets  are  always 
stufled  full  of  doll's  pocketbooks,  rubber  balls,  china  mugs, 
tiny  bottles  of  perfume,  and  all  sorts  of  things  in  which 
children  delight,  which  he  distributes  to  their  great  gratifica- 
tion. He  is  a  perpetual  Santa  Claus,  and  look  him  up  in 
what  part  of  the  house  you  may,  you  will  always  find  children 
in  clusters,  wreathing  round  and  climbing  over  him  like 
morning-glories  covering  and  glorifying  a  hale  old  apple-tree. 
And  I  am  told  that  his  figure  is  familiar  in  Central  Park, 
ever  followed  and  surrounded  by  children,  in  whose  happiness 
he  finds  his  own.  Little  girls  are  his  special  pets.  So  they 
are  mine,  for  boys,  however  little,  are  noisy. 


MOONLIGHT  AND  A  MEMORY.  153 

Looking  back  at  the  past  now,  I  wish  I  had  confined  all 
my  attentions  to  little  gii'ls,  leaving  the  older  ones  severely 
alone.  Col.  Anderlexa's  little  lady  friends  play  with  him, 
but  they  won't  break  his  heart  as  mine  was  broken  long, 
long  affo.  I  remember  the  occasion  well.  It  was  in  what 
poets  call  the  "  heyday  of  yonth,"  which  should  be  the 
"  summer  of  life,"  as  hay- days  are  more  apt  to  fall  in  sum- 
mer-time than  in  winter.  Her  name  was  "  Sarah,"  and  she 
left  me  and  took  up  with  another  boy  simply  because  he 
wore  a  standing  collar.  But  why  summon  up  these  pale 
ghosts  from  the  past  ?  Deep  buried  let  them  lie.  Or  would 
you  like  to  hear  a  heart  history  ?     Shall  1  tell  you  how 

I  kiss  the  child  that  should  be  mine, 
But  kiss  it  for  its  mother's  sake? 

Ah,  gentle  reader,  light  and  frivolous  you  may  deem  me 
now ;  but  deep  down  in  the  secret  recess  of  a  drawer  to 
which  not  even  my  wife  lias  access,  a  treasure  lies  hid.  Often 
in  these  still  soft  evenings,  when  the  moon,  sifting  through 
the  arcliing  elms,  draws  thought  by  silver  chains  to  the  past,  and 
none  are  near,  1  unlock  this  drawer  and  take  out  my  treasiire, 
the  only  one  I  have  dared  to  preserve,  and  press  it  to  my 
lips.  Mrs.  Paul  quietly  sleeps  the  while,  and  dreams  neither 
of  what  is  passing  in  my  heart  nor  going  on  in  the  room. 
Would  she  care  if  she  did  ?  AVho  can  say,  for  the  female 
heart  is  a  mystery  ?  But  did  she  know  all,  I  scarce  think 
she  would  deny  me  the  sweet  communion  of  this  lonely  hour, 
nor  throw  things  about  even  if  she  did  catch  me  kissing:  all 
that  is  left  to  remind  me  of  the  Past.  (A- big  "p  "there,  if 
-you  please,  Mr.  Printer.) 

No,  it  isn't  "  only  a  woman's  hair,"  nor  any  other  nonsense 
of  that  kind.  Some  of  Mrs.  Paul's  hangs  on  a  gas-bracket, 
and  more  of  it  is  tangled  up  in  my  brush  and  comb,  and 
altogether  there  is  quite  enough  of  the  capillary  around  to 
be  comfortable  without  my  storing  up  suj)plles  from  any 
other  woman's  M'ig.  The  treasure  to  which  I  refer  is  simply 
a  ten-dollar  bill,  which  I  am  keeping  out  of  Mrs.  P.'s  way 


154r  THE  BEAUTIFUL  INDIAN  GIRL. 

lest  it  should  get  to  Madam  Grosdot's  where  all  the  rest  of 
my  money  lias  gone.  A  man  must  buy  something  for  him- 
self once  and  a  while,  and  I've  not  had  a  new  thing  since  I 
came  to  Saratoga.  I  presume  I  shall  need  a  new  pan  in  a 
day  or  two. 

The  name  "  Sarah  "gives  me  another  personal — about  "the 
beautiful  Indian  girl"  of  the  old  encampment.  Her  name  is 
Sarah,  and  some  have  imagined  that  it  was  from  her  that 
this  village  got  its  original,  or  aboriginal,  name,  Saraghaga. 
Why  the  parents  of  this  sweet  maiden  should  have  christened 
her  "  Sarah,"  unless  to  prevent  me  from  writing  a  poem  about 
her,  I  cannot  imagine.  The  name  is  not  euphonious,  and 
cannot  be  made  to  rhyme  with  the  usual  terminations.  One 
might  churn  out  one  stanza,  say  : — 

*The  bitter  waters  of  Marah 
Would  be  sweet  if  shared  with  Sarah, 
And  I  knew  that  she  didn't  care  a 
Cent  for  any  other  fellow. 

But  I  don't  see  how  one  could  get  much  further.  Her  age 
is  sixteen,  her  hair  is  black,  long,  and  luxuriant,  her  eyes  are 
like  a  fawn's,  and  her  teeth — well,  if  a  man  had  such  teeth 
as  hers,  he  could  not  be  blamed  for  taking  them  out  at  the 
dinner-table  occasionally,  and  passing  them  around  among 
his  friends.  Pretty  enough  to  eat,  even  one  who  objected  to 
Johnny-cake  would  not  refuse  an  Indian-meal  in  such  guise. 
She  stands  behind  a  counter  selling  the  bows  who  stand  around 
paying  her  silly  compliments  and  'arrowing  up  the  feelings 
of  all.  Wishing  to  say  something  striking  and  original  to 
her,  I  remarked  that  she  was  pretty.  From  the  fact  that  she 
took  it  composedly,  I  infer  that  she  knew  it  before,  and  that 
perhaps  something  of  that  kind  had  been  said  to  her  previ- 
ously by  others  of  -the  male  persuasion.  Withal  she  is  very 
well  educated,  and  reads  and  writes  with  graceful  fluidity. 
She  has  traveled.  New  York  is  not  unknown  to  her,  and 
she  has  visited  Washington.  While  in  Washington  she  saw 
Mrs.  Grant,  and  dined  with  her  by  special  invitation  and 
wasn't  expected  to  make  the  General  a  present  either. 


*Original  poetry." 


A  REMINISCEXCE  OF  THE  SHENANDOAH.  155 

It  is  strange  liow  anxious  all  are  to  learn  Indian.  Young 
men  gather  around  to  that  extent  that  Sarah's  levees  are  longer 
and  more  packed  than  any  along  the  Mississippi.  Even  the 
ladies  are  in  love  with  her,  and  quarrel  as  to  who  shall  adopt 
her.  Lest  there  be  any  disturbance  over  the  matter,  I  have 
concluded  to  do  that  myself.  Elderkin,  while  here,  spent  half 
his  time  at  the  encampment  trying  to  make  her  believe  that 
he  was  her  younger  kin — an  own  cousin.  But  I  can  go  to 
the  encampment  no  more  ;  this  personal  will  undoubtedly 
shut  me  out.  For  I  am  not  sure  that  my  pan  is  proof  against 
hickory  bows  and  steel-headed  arrows,  and  Sarah  shoots 
remarkably  well. 

Gen.  Reckinbridge  is  here,  and  I  never  see  him  without 
thinking  how  lucky  he  is  to  be  here.  And  I  met  another 
General  of  our  army,  at  a  picnic  last  Saturday.  It  w^as  on 
the  banks  of  "  Lonely  Lake,"  and  there  were  waterfalls,  and 
fountains,  mosses  and  ferns,  cold  chicken  and  cold  champagne, 
to  the  heart's  content.  It  grieved  me  that  the  General  did 
not  remember  how  we  traveled  in  company  once,  but  the 
circumstances  were  not  very  favorable  for  photography  per- 
haps. We  were  traveling  out  of  the  Shenandoah  Yalley,  and 
maneuvering  veiy  successfully  to  draw  Stonewall  Jackson 
along  in  our  rear.  Not  a  man  of  us  but  swore  that  the  Rebel 
General  should  not  get  to  Massachusetts  before  we  did;  that 
the  foul  invader  should  not  set  foot  on  the  frontier  of  our 
native  state,  without  finding  us  sternly  confronting  him  in 
tlic  interior.  And  it  was  only  necessary  to  gaze  once  in  each 
6oldier's  face  to  see  that  the  hated  enemy  could  not  capture 
us  without  stc])ping  over  the  boundary  lines  and  violating 
the  territory  of  Maine. 

I  wished  several  times  during  the  recent  races  that  I  had 
the  gray  mare  I  rode  through  that  campaign  here  to  enter 
for  some  of  the  juirscs.  The  bursts  of  speed  which  that 
faithful  creature  showed  on  several  occasions  would  pass 
belief  if  you  did  not  know  just  how  near  the  detested  foe  got 
to  us  at  times.  It  may  not  be  that  I  won  any  spurs  in  the 
Shenandoah,  but  I  had  a  pair  to  start  in  with,  and  I  used 


156  MORAL  EEFLECTIONS. 

them  well  coming  out.  I  am  confident,  indeed,  that  no  one 
won  any  spurs  down  there,  though  we  played  straight  poker  for 
most  everything  else,  and  I  lost  my  blankets  once  to  a  cavalry 
captain  who  subsequently  had  no  need  for  them.  You  may 
not  think  me  a  hero  from  all  this,  but  who  is  a  hero  to  his 
valley  ? 

Now,  having  vented  my  venom  let  me  explain  that  as  a 
general  thing  I  am  opposed  to  personalities,  especially  to  that 
form  known  as  "  personal  mention."  In  the  first  place  it  is 
unwise  ;  the  one  man  mentioned  is  pleased  perhaps,  but  the 
many  who  are  not  get  mad  about  it.  And  what  does  it  inter- 
est the  general  world  of  readers  to  know  that  Samuel  Mutton- 
head  Esq.,  the  eminent  banker  of  Podunk  Four  Corners,  has 
rented  his  palatial  residence  on  Skowegan-Square  for  the  sum- 
mer, and  is  partaking  of  the  hospitalities  of  Saratoga?  If  a  man 
has  done  anything  worth  mentioning,  written  a  long  poem, 
or  killed  anybody,  that  is  quite  another  thing ;  glorify  him. 
But  it  seems  to  me  that  dragging  quiet  people  into  print  by 
their  ears  is  to  be  reprobated.  And  how  any  corr3;.^pondent 
dare  commit  himself  to  the  habit  unless  provided  with  such 
a  practical  panier  as  I  possess,  2')asses  my  comprehension. 

To  these  moral  reflections  anent  personality  I  have  been 
moved,  mainly,  by  the  remark  of  a  friend  that  in  an  acciden- 
tal, perhaps  I  should  say  a  dental,  criticism,  I  was  imjustifi- 
ably  personal.  As  I  look  over  that  paragraph  now,  with  the 
calm,  cool  eye  of  one  who  has  got  his  pay  for  it  and  spent 
the  money,  I  don't  know  but  that  I  must  plead  guilty  to  the 
charge.  Holding  as  I  do  that  all  men  are  born  free  and  equal, 
possessed  of  certain  inalienable  rights,  among  which  may  be 
mentioned  life,  liberty,  and  the  right  to  take  out  their  teeth 
if  they  want  to,  it  grieves  me  to  think  that  I  have  even 
thoughtlessly  interfered  with  the  proud  prerogatives  of  an 
American  citizen. 

But,  be  it  remembered,  that  rights  exist  generally  on  both 
sides.  Granted,  for  instance,  that  a  man  has  a  perfect  right 
to  unscrew  his  head  and  take  it  off  at  table  if  he  chooses  to ; 
but  if  he  lay  it  down  on  my  plate,  have  not  I  a  right  to 


LUCY'S  LESSON".  157 

chuck  it  out  of  the  window  ?  "Whether  it  be  a  wooden  head 
or  not  makes  not  a  particle  of  difference,  so  far  as  tlie  equity 
of  the  case  is  concerned.  A  man  has  a  perfect  right,  too,  to 
go  round  regretting  that  only  the  ragtag  and  bubtail,  the 
dregs  of  society,  frequent  Saratoga  now ;  that  all  the  good 
old  fiimilies  are  dead  and  buried,  though  if  no  one  entertains 
and  expresses  decided  opposition  to  his  being  dead  and  buried 
along  with  them,  I  don't  see  why  he  should  throw  it  up  at  us. 
However,  the  occurrence  is  to  be  regretted,  and  this  being 
said  let  us  dismiss  it  as  philosophically  as  the  old  ranchman 
of-  Sonoma  County  did  a  little  family  annoyance.  His 
daughter,  a  likely  looking  girl,  fell  in  love  with  a  strolling 
negro  minstrel,  ran  away  with  him,  and  returned  with  a 
baby.  The  neighbors  called  to  condole,  but  the  old  gentle- 
man simply  remarked,  as  he  bit  away  on  a  plug  of  pig-tail 
he  had  borrowed  from  a  neighbor  : — 

"Well,  1  guess  it'll  teach  Lucy  a  lesson." 
So  far  as  personal  mention  is  concerned  I  occasionally  get 
a  little  of  it.  Kot  long  since  The  Say^atogian  said  some 
pleasant  things  about  me,  the  most  of  which  were  true. 
That  I  am  "  a  wit  of  the  first  water,"  for  instance,  is  a  propo- 
sition that  none  of  my  immediate  relatives  would  dispute, 
though  I  myself  am  in  doubt  whether  that  water  is  Congress 
or  Hathorn.  It  is  also  true  that  I  "  founded,  published,  and 
edited  The  Californian,  the  best  literary  paper  ever  known 
on  the  Pacific  coast;"  and  that  "Bret  Harte  and  Mark 
Twain  cimtributed  to  it."  But  that  "John  Pluunix"  ever 
"  wrote  fur  it  "  is  not  true.  The  reason  that  he  did  not  may 
probably  be  found  in  the  fact  that  he  died  a  dozen  years  or 
60  before  the  paper  was  started  ;  this  was  a  discouragement 
from  contributing  which  he  could  not  get  over.  And  instead 
of  being  started  in  18C3,  The  Californian  did  not  begin  to 
wear  upon  me  and  the  public  until  the  spring  of  1864. 

This  latter  correction  I  make  simply  because  if  that  re- 
markal)le  journal  had  been  started  one  year  earlier  than  it 
was,  it  would  have  "broke"  me  one  year  earlier  tlum  ir  <li(l, 
and  in  consequence  I  should  be  so  much  the  worse  olf  and 


158  APPREHENSIVE  OF  THE  FUTURE. 

further  back  than  I  am  at  this  writing.  I  cannot  afford  to 
have  my  credit  impaired  while  stopping  at  a  hotel  where 
bills  are  only  presented  weekly.  The  Californian  simply 
served  me  as  the  "  best  literary  journals"  always  do  their 
proprietors  ;  like  good  boys,  they  die  young  and  leave  very 
little  money  to  or  for  anybody. 

Sakes  alive !  to  borrow  a  mild  form  of  swearing  from  an 
aunt  w^ho  is  neither  near  nor  dear  to  me,  how  my  pan  will 
rattle  round  town  when  the  Great  Moral  Organ  containing 
all  this  "  personal  mention "  arrives  here.  It  is  safe  to 
prophesy  that  on  the  morning  of  the  next  day  the  expeditious 
invalid  who  betakes  himself  betimes,  while  the  sky  is  yet 
gray,  to  the  healthful  spring  for  his  matutinal  draught,  can 
see  with  his  unclad  eye,  By  the  dawn's  early  light.  What 
BO  late  was  beheld  at  the  twilight's  last  gleaming ;  My 
narrow  coat  tails  in  the  perilous  flight,  O'er  the  parts  that 
they  watch  horizontally  streaming ;  While  the  way  that 
they  swear,  As  their  boots  burst  in  air.  Gives  proof  through 
the  night  that  the  pan  was  still  there.  So  much  for  my  new 
edition  of  the  Spa  Tangled  Fanner. 


CHAPTER  XXIIL 

FORSWEAKING  PERSONALITIES  FOR  THE  FUTUKE,  THE  AUTHOR 
PROCEEDS  TO  TELL  HOW  WE  PASS  THE  TIME  AND  DRIVE  DULL 
CARE  AWAY  AT  SARATOGA. 

I  SHALL  never  again  complain  of  delay  in  the  publica- 
tion of  my  letters.  For  I  seat  myself  to  write  much 
more  comfortably  in  my  chair  than  I  probably  could  have 
done  had  my  "  personal  "  letter  got  up  here,  say,  day  before 
yesterday.  Bruises  always  trouble  me  worst  on  the  second 
day.  As  1  write  not  from  the  promptings  of  poverty  at  all, 
but  simply  for  the  purpose  of  occasionally  having  something 
good  to  read,  you  can  well  understand  that  I  usually  look 
forward  to  the  arrival  of  the  Gi'eat  Moral  Organ,  and  the 
seeing  myself  in  print,  with  pleasurable  longing.  Now,  how- 
ever, the  contemplation  of  it  crowns  me  with  dismay.  Thrice 
armed  is  he  who  hath  his  pan  ad-just  perhaps,  but  my  faith  in 
the  efficacy  of  a  single  one  is  shaken.  Every  time  that  memo- 
ry recalls  what  is  written  in  that  virulently  personal  letter, 
imminent  in  the  air  and  liable  at  any  time  to  arrive,  1  go 
out  and  buy  another  pan.  It  cannot  be  written  of  mc  now 
"his  life  is  but  his  span,"  for  1  have  three  of  them.  And 
let  me  but  get  safely  out  of  this  scrape  and  T  ]^romise 
solemnly  never  to  get  into  another  of  the  same  kind  ;  yes ! 
on  the  dictionary  I  swear  it,  never  will  I  be  personal  again 
80  long  as  I  live. 

Wonderment  is  expressed  as  to  how  we  pass  the  t  itnc  at  Sar- 
atoga when  there  are  no  races.     I  have  discovered  that  after 

159 


ICO  DUTIES  OF  THE  SILENT  PARTNER. 

reaching  a  certain  period  in  life  one  is  very  little  troubled 
about  passing  time  ;  all  you  have  to  do  is  stand  still  and  time 
slips  by  you,  faster  than  you  wot  of,  faster  tlian  you  wish. 
You  do  nothing  in  particular,  perhaps  ;  indulge  in  no  diver- 
sions ;  but  getting  up  is  necessary,  eating  is  a  duty,  and 
going  to  bed  at  some  hour  of  the  night  is  fashionable ;  so 
before  you  know  it  one  day  is  gone  and  another  is  lapping 
on.  But  the  fact  is,  one  never  has  dearth  of  occupation  to 
complain  of  at  Saratoga.  The  springs  in  themselves  keep 
you  pretty  busy.  And  even  were  it  not  for  their  aid,  the 
dolce  far  niente  into  which  you  soon  fall  leaves  very  little 
margin  for  unrest.  Sitting  around  becomes  a  serious  occu- 
pation ;  keeping  your  eyes  open  assumes  the  proportions  of 
quite  vigorous  muscular  exertion  ;  playing  backgammon  sug- 
gests itself  as  too  violent  exercise.  You  soon  come  to  feel 
that  all  the  business  you  can  conscientiously  undertake  is 
watching  the  arrivals. 

At  all  hours  of  the  day,  and  a  few  of  the  night,  the  hotel 
coaches  come  rolling  up  to  unburden  themselves  of  passen- 
gers. So  much  is  involved  in  a  proper  performance  of  the 
duty,  that  every  well  regulated  hotel  sets  one  of  its  proprie- 
tors apart  to  do  nothing  else  but  stand  on  the  stoop  and 
shake  hands  with  incoming  guests.  The  silent  partner  is 
usually  chosen  for  this,  as  it  is  not  necessary  that  he  should 
say  much  ;  all  he  has  to  do  is  look  pleasant,  squeeze  vigor- 
ously, and  shake  as  though  he  had  steam  power  in  his 
boots.  Of  course,  occupied  outside  all  the  while,  he  has  to 
trust  the  other  members  of  the  concern  to  see  that  the  guests 
are  charged  enough  after  they  get  in.  And  if  you  think 
that  the  one  of  the  stoop  has  a  sinecure  of  it  you  are  very 
much  mistaken ;  his  hand  is  swelled  way  up  to  the  shoulder 
with  the  shaking  he  does.  When  the  arduous  duties  of  the 
day  are  done,  he  has  to  retire  and  sleep  on  a  huge  poultice, 
instead  of  on  a  mattress,  like  his  more  fortunate  partners. 
To  say  nothing  of  this,  the  mental  agony  he  is  compelled  to 
undergo  is  something  to  appall  the  stoutest  heart. 
,    Here,  for  instance,  alights  the  guest  who  always  kicks  up 


DISSATISFIED  GUESTS.  161 

a  row,  abuses  the  establishment,  and  is  suspected  of  carrying 
off  the  towels  and  soap  when  he  leaves.  To  this  guest  he 
would  like  to  extend  a  foot  instead  of  hand — welcome  him 
with  hospitable  boot  to  an  uncomfortable  attic,  so  to  speak — 
but  no ;  lie  must  give  him  a  hand.  Then,  when  the  guests 
go — it  is  quite  as  necessary  to  greet  the  going  as  to  welcome 
tlie  coming  guest — if  one  of  them  goes  away  smiling  and 
pleasant,  he  feels  deep  down  in  his  soul  of  souls  that  that 
man  has  not  been  charged  enough ;  on  the  contrary,  if 
another  goes  off  grumpy  and  growling,  he  knows  that  he  has 
been  charged  too  much,  and  does  not  know  where  to  reach 
him  by  mail  to  straighten  the  matter  out.  If  I  should 
change  my  present  intention,  and  conclude  to  go  into  part- 
nership with  the  proprietors  of  any  of  these  summer  hotels, 
they  cannot  assign  me  to  the  stoop  business.  I  should  prefer  to 
stand  behind  the  counter  and  answer  the  questions  that  ladies 
rush  up  to  ask,  and  attend  to  complaints  about  rooms,  etc. — 
that  would  be  comfortable  and  pleasant. 

'•'  When  does  the  five  o'clock  train  go  out?" 

"  At  a  quarter  to  six,  Madam." 

"  Is  that  the  celebrated  Dr.  O of  the  Dutch  Eeformed 

Church  sitting  over  there,  with  his  feet  on  the  rail  ?  They 
tell  me  he's  a  dark-complected  man,  with  bushy  hair  that 
stands  up." 

"^'o,  Madam  ;  that  is  John  Morrissey." 

"  Avez^ous  one  leetlo  piano  weech  you  can  put  him  in  my 
chamhre  so  I  may  make  lectle  musique'i" 

"  iVc/i,  Madam,  but  void  la  parlor-grand,  qtoi  is  ires  much 
at  voire  service,  if  you  can  get  it  in." 

"Can't  you  give  me  a  larger  room,  mister?  What  with 
my  ten  trunks  and  boxes  and  pa's  boots  that  he  put  in  with 
nie,  there  isn't  room  to  sling  a  cat  round." 

"  We  have  no  larger  rooms  disengaged  at  present.  Miss; 
but  if  you  really  wish  to  sling  a  cat,  you  may  do  it  on  the 
])iazza,  or  out  of  the  window." 

Yes,  I  think  I  could  do  that  business  very  well.  The 
cashier's  berth  I  wouldn't  care  for  except  when  the  seasoa 
11 


162  HOW  TO  KILL  TIME. 

was  at  its  fullest  swing,  as  I  am  constitutionally  opposed  to 
paying  ont  more  money  than  I  take  in. 

As  we  were  remarking  about  the  facility  of  disposing  of 
time,  one  can  put  in  a  good  deal  of  it  on  the  back  piazzas, 
hearing  the  band  play,  smoking,  and  looking  at  "^^e  grounds. 
It  is  only  necessary  to  light  a  cigar,  draw  a  chair  up  to  the 
railing,  assume  the  normal  attitude  of  an  American  citizen, 
and  go  at  it.  Philosophers  have  endeavored  to  account  for 
the  fact  that  man  is  much  happier  with  his  heels  higher  than 
his  head,  but  in  vain.  The  fact,  nevertheless,  remains,  he  is. 
This  is  specially  the  case  at  Saratoga  ;  men  who  elsewhere — 
at  Newport,  for  instance — would  condemn  the  habit,  here 
fall  into  it  as  gracefully  as  if  to  that  "  manner  born."  It 
may  be  because  of  being  full  of  Congress  water ;  subtle  and 
searching  as  quicksilver,  that  fluid  might  go  down  into  the 
feet,  causing  dropsy  of  the  extremities  if  one  didn't  keep 
them  up.  But  by  assuming  the  elegant  position  referred  to 
that  trouble  is  remedied.  You  maintain  the  equilibrium, 
preserve  the  balance  of  power,  and  thus  inverted  feel  like 
and  look  like,  and,  to  all  intents  and  purposes  are,  a  junk 
bottle. 

Then  if  you  must  exercise  and  are  never  happy  unless 
in  a  state  of  intense  perspiration,  there  are  alleys  for 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  and  couples  can  go  there  and  indulge 
in  "  the  flowing  bowl "  to  their  heart's  content.  But  it  is 
not  necessary  to  bowl  merely  because  you  go  to  the  alleys ; 
some  couples  go  to  bowl,  others  go  to  "spoon,"  and 
nobody  seems  to  notice  the  difi'erence.  I  do  not  go  to  see 
how  many  pins  I  can  get  down,  but  merely  to  ascertain  how 
many  it  is  possible  to  leave  standing,  and  there  are  few  who 
can  beat  me  at  that  game. 

Then  there  are  the  two  Indian  encampments,  "new"  and 
"  old,"  with  shooting  galleries  and  butts  for  bow  and  arrow 
practice  at  both.  The  guns  in  use  are  what  a  cockney  m- ould 
probably  designate  as  hair-guns  with  'air-triggers,  and  the 
targets  are  three :  a  woman  in  Scotch  costume  who  drums,  a 
rabbit  that  keels  over,  and  a  lion  that  roars,  if  you  hit  the 


PAULINA'S  AXXIETY.— LADIES  AS  ARCHERS.  1(53 

biiirs  eje.  Paulina  was  excessively  anxious  that  her  papa 
should  make  the  lion  roar,  and  to  please  the  child  I  took  a 
shot  at  it.  I  didn't  make  the  lion  roar  exactly,  but  I  take 
pride  in  recording  that  I  made  an  old  gentleman,  who  posted 
himself  in  what  he  seemed  to  consider  a  safe  position,  a  few 
rods  away  on  the  right  of  the  target,  howl  most  fearfully. 
This  was  better  than  hitting  nothing.  The  archery  business 
is  meant  for  ladies,  but  they  do  very  little  of  it.  Nor  do  the 
Indians  encourage  them  much  in  the  practice  of  archery, 
having  found  by  experience  that  the  few  arrows  that  get 
away  from  the  bow  generally  stick  in  the  live  Indian  who 
attends,  instead  of  in  the  stuffed  one  that  is  ostensibly  shot 
at.  AVomen,  I  notice,  shoot  bows  and  arrows  very  much  as 
they  play  whist — having  drawn  the  arrow  back,  they  hold  on 
to  it  just  as  they  do  to  a  trump,  and  won't  launch  it ;  if  they 
do  let  one  go  by  accident  it  generally  hits  the  right  party  in 
the  wrong  place. 

After  the  ladies  have  practiced  a  half  hour  the  attendant 
Indian  from  a  distance  might  be  mistaken  for  a  porcupine, 
all  quills.  But  the  passion  that  little  girls  have  for  bows  and 
arrows  is  strange  ;  it  almost  passes  that  for  dolls.  Paulina 
urged  papa  to  buy  her  an  equipment.  I  refused.  No,  no, 
my  child,  said  I,  shooting  fathers  is  rather  encouraged  by  the 
Saratogian  sentiment;  but  in  this  case  it  seems  to  me  unad- 
visable  that  I  should  become  an  accessory  before  the  fact. 
But  baskets  and  such  things  are  innocent  and  harmless,  and 
of  these  both  encampments  will  sell  you  as  many  as  you  wish 
to  buy. 

But  it  is  only  tlie  old  encampment  that  boasts  of  a  "  Beau- 
tiful Indian  Girl."  This  damsel  of  whom  much  mention 
has  already  been  made  is  a  profitable  pillar  of  the  camp, 
for  tlie  young  men  all  invite  her  to  shoot,  and  she  is 
never  beaten.  It  would  surprise  you  to  know  how  many 
arrows  this  young  lady  can  put  in  llic  target  at  a  cent  apiece 
in  the  course  of  an  afternoon.  But  my  surprise  has  been 
awakened  by  something  stranger  still.  Sarah  has  a  grand- 
mother in  camp,  an  aged,  respectabkyand  I  will  venture  to 


1(54:  THE  INDIAN  GIRL  IS  SAVAGE. 

-gay,  virtuous  female  ;  she  sits  behind  tlie  counter  all  day  long, 
and  1  do  not  hear  any  young  men  asking  her  to  shoot  with 
them.  Neither  do  they  seek  to  engage  her  in  conversation, 
notwithstanding  their  avowal  of  an  ardent  ambition  to  learn 
Indian,  and  the  palpable  fact  that  the  good  grandmother  has 
more  Indian  in  her,  and,  from  the  seventy  or  eighty  years  of 
practice  she  has  had,  should  talk  it  better  than  Sarah.  But 
there  are  many  very  strange  things  in  life,  and  my  astonish- 
ments are  frequent. 

Instance  in  point.  This  morning,  turning  over  in  my 
mind  the  various  resorts  of  interest  for  one  that  I  could 
safely  visit,  it  seemed  to  me  that,  taken  all  in  all,  this  old 
encampment  promised  best.  For  my  little  personal  about 
Sarah  was  complimentary  rather  than  otherwise ;  she  might 
shrink  from  the  publicity,  but  had  I  not  written  her  4owTr=' 
^^—rather  up — as  Beautiful — with  a  big  B  at  that?  And 
besides  I  had  intimated  an  intention  of  briefly  biographing 
her  beforehand.  Well,  I  strolled  into  the  encampment,  and 
nonchalantly  approached  the  young  woman's  stand.  She 
received  me  with  undisguised  coolness,  and  in  reply  to  my 
compliments,  addressed  to  her  in  the  choicest  Choctaw  at  my 
command,  spoke  spitefully. 

"  Have  you  seen  what  I  said  about  you  in  the  Great  Moral 
Organ^  fair  lily  of  the  swamp  ? "  I  asked  by  way  of  get- 
ting at  the  exact  state  of  her  feelings  about  it. 

"  Yes,  Pale  Face,"  she  shouted,  "  and  if  my  papa,  Hole-in- 
the-day,  or  my  big  brother,  The-Man-who-M-alks-under-the- 
ground,  had  not  gone  from  the  wigwam  to  procure  a  jug  of 
fire-water,  to  gladden  the  hearts  of  the  young  w^ho  to-night; 
are  to  assemble  at  Den.  Murphy's  shanty  over  there  to 
celebrate  the  Feast  of  the  Full  Moon,  they'd  just  snatch  you 
bald-headed,  they  would,  you  indiscriminate  panderer  to  a 
depraved  public  taste !  you  retailer  of  lies  and  glittering 
dealer  in  false  generalities  !    you — " 

The  maiden  of  the  forest  spoke  as  fast  as  could  any  of  her 
white  sisters,  and  wnth  all  the  poetry  that  is  supposed  to 
distinguish  Indian  diction. 


-'    "  //  '/ 


■^O--' 


%^^  ^^wi^^^ 


^  "^      ■^  r.  ^  -^^  ^V^-  >-"\  yV"^  "^-      fi^m  <  C  tl->.  <-  U"-:'.  <.'<J  f/' 


TALLKI)  TO  AN   ACCOINr. 


SARAH'S  SLANDERERS.  165 

Summoning  al]  iny  energies  to  get  a  word  in  edgewise,  and 
drawing  upon  my  recollections  of  "Walter  Scott  as  well  as  of 
Fenimore  Cooper,  I  asked  in  lier  own  beautiful  language, 
"What's  the  matter  now,  proud  Sassenach?" 

Pulling  a  copy  of  some  Troy  paper  that  had  just  been  sent 
her  from  out  the  rag-bag  where  she  had  ignominiously 
deposited  it,  she  handed  it  across  the  counter  and  pointed 
M'ith  wrathful  look  to  a  marked  item.     I  read : — 

" '  The  Beautiful  Indian  Girl '  over  whom  all  the  cor- 
respondents are  sighing  and  slobbering  is  nothing  but  a 
Kannuck  squaw,  with  a  pumpkin  face  and  a  pint  of  grease 
to  every  square  inch  of  hide  visible." 

I  laid  down  the  paper  and  left  the  grounds  without  a  word, 
for  I  am  slow  of  speech,  and  I  feared  that  the  agile  and  wary 
red  man-*too-well  read,  in  this  instance---might  be  upon  me 
ere  I  could  either  explain  or  telegraph  to  the  navy  yard  for  a 
Columbiad.  As  for  "  personal  mention,"  I  am  done  with  that 
for  all  time. 

But  I  cannot  refrain. right  here,  from  just  intimating  that 
the  man  who  frisks  about  with  a  cane  under  one  arm  and 
an  umljrclla  under  the  other  has  been  in  town  for  some 
time.  How  many  of  him  there  is  here  I  cannot  state  with 
precision,  owing  to  the  loss  of  one  eye  and  a  permanent  injury 
to  the  other  one  in  consequence  of  the  impossibility  of  get- 
ting out  of  his  way  while  endeavoring  to  count  them,  but 
there  are  (juite  enough  of  him  to  make  it  lively.  Also,  the 
man  who  promenades  the  piazza  watli  a  tooth-pick — fore- 
runner of  a  gale  of  wind  were  it  a  straw — is  here,  and  attracts 
tlie  sym])athy  which  is  usually  enlisted  in  his  l>chalf.  Col. 
Gorman  thinks  he  could  relieve  him  of  the  quill  by  si)litting 
liim  neatly  down  the  middle  with  a  circular  saw,  driven  by  a 
small  pinion  wheel ;  but  my  suggestion  of  a  meat-ax  as  surer 
and  less  apt  to  cause  remark  seems  to  meet  with  more  general 
apitrol)ation.  The  "three  women  abreast"  who  have  been 
here  since  June  we've  given  over  as  a  liopeless  case.  It  is 
impossil)le  to  get  past  them  or  by  tliem,  and  no  book  of 
etiquette  probably  would  uphold  one  in  diving  under  their 


16G  A  FASCINATING  YOUNG  WIDOW. 

skirts  or  jumping  over  tlieir  heads.  So  we  just  fall  back  on 
the  reflection  that  they  may  die,  and  that  as  it  would  be 
manifestly  impossible  for  them  to  come  in  at  the  narrow  way 
three  abreast,  it  is  likely  that  they  will  go  where  they 
deserve  to  go,  and  not  trouble  us  much  in  the  other  world.     , 

And  I  must  whisper  to  you  that  the  number  of  our  guests 
has  been  increased  by  the  arrival  of  a  young  widow — i.  e.,  a 
widow  by  courtesy,  for  it  was  a  lover  she  lost,  and  not  a 
husband.  Her  life  has  been  an  eventful,  and  yet  not  an 
uncommon  one.  I  will  give  it  to  you  as  it  was  given  to  me, 
not  by  common  report,  but  by  the  lips  of  one  who  has  known 
her  from  childhood.  Perhaps  you  will  recognize  the  lady, 
for  since  she  became  rich,  you  must  have  met  her. 

Madam  Montford  —  I  give  the  full  name,  for  I  hate 
blanks — was  born  in  one  of  the  South-western  States.  Her 
parents  were  wealthy,  and  as  a  natural  consequence  the 
daughter  was  educated  at  a  fashionable  boarding-school.  Her 
manners  were  carefully  attended  to,  and  her  morals  would, 
liave  been  equally  well  cultivated  if  those  intrusted  with  the 
former  had  known  anything  about  the  latter.  The  girl  grad- 
uated at  sixteen.  Eeturning  home  she  developed  a  remarka- 
ble taste  for  reading ;  her  father's  library  was  well  stocked 
with  ragouts  by  ingenious  French  cooks,  and  this  rather 
liighly  seasoned  mental  pabulum  constituted  her  sole  food. 
After  seed  is  sown  the  harvest  follows  in  due  course  of  time. 
The  young  lady  fell  in  love  with  a  gentleman  representing 
himself  to  be  an  Austrian  oflicer  ;  the  cruel  parents  "  refused 
their  consent,"  and  locked  her  up  in  the  library,  where  she 
read  some  more — enough  to  finish  her.  The  Austrian  pre- 
sented himself  beneath  the  window,  one  night,  with  a  ladder, 
and  the  yoimg  lady  went  north  with  him  on  a  bridal  tour, 
but  by  a  strange  oversight  neglected  to  get  married  before 
starting.  The  Austrian  officer  turned  out  to  be  a  French 
valet,  and  was  arrested  in  Canada  for  stealing  his  master's 
clothes.  The  young  lady,  thrown  on  her  own  resources,  tried 
her  fortunes  on  the  stage,  and  made  quite  a  successful  debut 
as  "  Ophelia  "  before  a  Montreal  audience.     She  subsequently 


A  STEED  WITH  A  PEDIGREE.  1(57 

played  a  successful  engagement  at  St.  Louis,  and  finally 
accepted  an  oiier  to  take  a  leading  part  at  one  of  the  Western 
theatres.  Not  long  since  her  parents  died  ;  a  will  disinherit- 
ing her  was  found,  but  as  it  was  not  executed  she  came  into 
possession  of  a  handsome  property.  Now  twenty-six  years 
of  age,  she  spends  most  of  her  time  and  money  in  alternating 
between  the  South  and  the  North — changing  climate  with 
the  seasons,  making  the  whole  year  a  perpetual  summer. 
She  dresses  always  in  black,  is  very  decorous  in  her  conduct, 
and  frequently  makes  affecting  allusions  to  her  dear  deceased 
husband.  Few  are  familiar  with  the  details  of  her  early  life, 
and  if  she  does  not  marry  well  within  the  next  year  it  will 
be  wholly  her  own  fault. 

As  I  was  saying  when  interrupted,  if  the  amusements 
already  enumerated  are  not  enough  to  satisfy  the  most 
exacting  person,  we  have  a  circular  railway,  whereon  you  can 
whirl  yourself  around  at  the  risk  of  your  neck  three  times 
for  twelve  and  a  half  cents ;  a  lot  of  wooden  horses  in  an  open 
lot  that  revolve  around  a  common  center  to  the  lascivious 
pleasing  of  a  hurdy-gurdy,  giving  their  riders  an  opportunity 
to  spear  iron  rings  from  a  post  and  bear  them  triumphantly 
away  on  the  point  of  a  skillet.  Or  you  can  have  a  weigh  for 
five  cents,  if  you've  a  will  to.  Or  you  can  have  your  fortune 
told.  Or  you  can  walk  out  to  the  battle-ground.  Or  for 
ten  cents  you  can  get  some  boy  to  pound  you  over  the  head 
with  a  club  for  as  many  minutes,  which  Mill  afford  you 
about  as  much  solid  enjoyment  as  any  of  the  other  games. 
There  is  no  end,  in  fact,  to  the  amusements  which  Saratoga 
offers  to  visitors. 

In  the  late  afternoon  a  carriage-drive  is  pleasant;  l)ut  a 
ride  is,  perhaps,  more  promotive  of  digestion.  In([uiriiig  for 
good  saddle-horses  you  will  find  that  they  abound.  On  your 
issuing  the  command,  in  a  stentorian  voice,  "  Bring  forth  the 
horse,"  a  horse  is  brought.  They  will  tell  you  he  was  sired 
hy  Ethan  Allen^  and  dammed  by — well,  I  have  heard  him 
dammed  by  several.  A  party  of  us  went  out  on  horseback 
one  afternoon.     To  our  surprise,  we  found  that  the  early 


1(58  WOOIXG  THE  WAITERS. 

i 

education  of  our  horses  had  been  neglected.  They  were  only 
cognizant  of  a  viciously  hard  trot,  and  a  most  dangerous 
gallop ;  of  that  gentle  compromise  between  the  two,  commonly 
called  a  canter,  they  were  profoundly  ignorant.  A  good 
judge  of  horseflesh  said  at  starting  that  my  mare  had  tlie 
"  heaves ; "  and  the  event  proved  him  right,  for  she  hove  me 
over  her  head  into  a  standing  pool,  the  waters  of  which  were  | 
cool,  but  damp.  On  returning  from  the  ride  an  indignation 
meeting  was  held,  and  a  committee  of  three  appointed  to 
strangle  the  livery-keeper  ;  but  the  committee,  on  trial,  found 
themselves  unable  to  walk — so  the  summary  vengeance  was 
abandoned.  Equestrianism  is  pleasant  enough  in  the  time 
thereof,  but  it  leaves  an  unpleasant  feeling  behind. 

When  you  can't  think  of  anything  else  to  do  you  can 
always  go  and  give  the  bell-boys  and  the  waiters  something. 
You  can  keep  doing  this  all  the  time  if  you  want  to ;  they 
never  get  tired  of  it.  But  you  mustn't  reach  out  rashly,  for 
the  chances  are  that  if  you  do  you'll  fee  the  trusty  contra- 
band who  waits  on  some  one  else ;  colored  help  is  the  rule  at 
'  the  hotels,  and  one  crisp  and  curled  darling  looks  as  much 
like  another  as  two  peas — black  peas.  If  you  make  a  mis- 
take you  soon  find  it  out,  but  it  is  then  too  late  to  rectify  it. 
There  be  some  who  make  a  great  fuss  about  the  gentle 
expectancy  of  the  waiter,  and  lash  themselves  into  perspira- 
tion and  excitement  as  they  declaim  about  "  extortion." 
There's  no  extortion  about  it.  In  the  tirst  place,  the  amount 
involved  is  small,  and  not  worth  fashing  one's  self  about ;  it  is 
much  easier  to  pay  and  get  something  to  eat  than  to  protest 
and  go  without.  Custom  arranges  all  these  things;  you 
simply  invest  a  few  quarters  in  securing  good  service,  and  it 
is  doubtful  if  you  could  employ  the  same  money  to  better 
advantage;  "  They  also  serve  who  only  stand  and  wait," 
Should  not  those  who  feed  you  also  be  feed  ?  So  "  tip"  the 
boys  hf^ndsomely  and  think  nothing  about  it.  Change  places 
with  them,  in  the  kaleidoscope  of  imagination,  I  mean,  and 
think  whether  you  wouldn't  want  to  be  "  tipped."  They 
come  here  for  their  perquisites  quite  as  much  as  their  pay, 


THE  MONEYED  MEN  AT  SARATOGA.  169 

and  you  are  really  dishonest  if  you  disappoint  them.  If 
fonder  of  delicacies  and  diplomacy  than  of  paying  out 
money  you  can  slip  a  dollar  bill  on  the  table  under  an  inverted 
wine-glass.  The  exertions  that  John  makes  to  secure  it  are 
really  surprising.  Then  at  the  close  of  the  repast,  you  can 
remove  the  glass,  return  the  dollar  to  your  pocket,  and  walk 
off  unconcernedly.  But  never  occupy  the  same  seat  again. 
And  there  is  no  telling  what  your  parsimony  may  cost  you. 

These  bell-boys  and  waiters  are  the  peregrinators  of  the 
period.  You  may  find  William,  Peter,  Amos,  or  Frisbie  at 
Newport,  at  Xiagara,  at  your  very  next  stopping  place. 
'•  When  him  you  fly  lie  is  the  wings."  And  they  pass  the 
warning  from  one  to  the  other,  these  boys  do,  like  the  fiery 
cross  of  the  Highlanders.  "Avoid  him;  he  won't  give  you 
nothing."  In  consequence  you  might  starve  in  the  midst  of 
plenty,  expire  of  thirst  while  up  to  your  chin  in  water  ;  not 
a  drop  would  be  brought  to  cool  your  parched  tongue  though 
you  wrenched  off  the  bell-handle  or  drove  the  electric  button 
through  the  opposite  wall  in  your  frantic  attempts  to  make 
your  thirst  known.  No,  my  friend,  fee  the  boys  gracefully, 
and  so  shall  you  be  looked  upon  pleasantly  when  you  come 
to  a  hotel,  attended  assiduously  while  you  stay,  and  mourned 
and  regretted  sincerely  when  you  depart. 

Some  correspondents  cultivate  the  proprietors  of  hotels, 
speak  jjraisefully  of  them.  AViser  in  my  generation  than 
they,  I  devote  myself  to  the  waiters.  Aside  from  having  a 
general  idea  where  my  best  interests  lie,  I  know  who  the 
capitalists  are.  If  you  need  any  money,  don't  fool  round  in 
the  money  centers  of  your  metropolis.  Commission  me  to 
make  the  loan ;  I'll  go  to  "  AVilliam "  for  it  at  once.  He 
can  help  you  out ;  why,  this  boy  takes  such  good  care  of  me, 
and  is  so  rpiiet,  and  gentlemanly,  and  undemanding  about  it, 
that  he  gets  all  the  money  I  have.  JNIaking  a  rough  estimate 
of  it,  I  calculate  that  he  must  be  worth  near  upon  five 
liundred  thousand  dollars  by  this  time.  He  has  a  class  in  a 
Sunday-school  at  Baltimore,  too,  and  I  tliink  it  is  liis  inten- 
tion to  build  a  church  this  winter.     I  expect  to  visit  him  at 


170  AMONG  THE  MOST  BEAUTIFUL  LADIES. 

his  country-seat  on  tlie  banks  of  the  Potomac  when  duck 
shooting  sets  in.  I  also  expect  him  to  lend  me  the  money  to 
pay  my  fare  with  when  the  time  comes  to  go  from  here,  for 
otherwise  I  really  do  not  see  how  I  can  get  away. 

The  wealth  that  "  "William  "  has  mnst  be  simply  enormous. 
And  on  him  I  rely.  If  he  disappoints  me,  penury  and  a 
residence  in  Saratoga  out  of  season  must  be  my  portion,  for 
the  proprietors  of  the  hotel,  besides  being  indifferent  to 
praise,  are  no  better  oif  than  I  am,  and  are  really  depending 
on  me  for  a  loan  to  carry  them  through.  But  if  I  print  this 
praisef ul  word  for  "  William,"  I  think  I  am  safe.  Eich 
though  he  be,  he  surely  cannot  resist  this  appeal  to  the  finer 
feelings  of  his  nature. 

No,  I  shall  never  indulge  in  the  personal  again  so  long  as 
I  live ;  but  entertaining  strong  convictions  as  to  who  is  good 
looking  and  who  wears  good  clothes,  outside  of  my  own 
family,  it  was  pleasant  to  read  in  a  Saratoga  paper  this  morn- 
ing that "  Mrs.  S.  D.  S. — the  beautiful  wife  of  the  Pyne  Street, 
banker — is  among  the  most  elegantly  attired  ladies  of  the 
Union."  1  thought  so  before,  and  now,  having  seen  it  in 
print,  I  know  it.  But  as  for  "  being  among  the  most  beauti- 
ful and  elegantly  attired  ladies  of  the  house,"  I  am  among 
them  as  much  and  as  frequently  as  is  consistent  with  domes- 
tic peace. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

CONTAINING  AN  ACCIDENTAL   EEPOKT   OF  A  DENTAL   CONVENTION. 

THE  dentists  have  been  here  in  force.  It  is  a  mistake  to 
suppose  that  they  came  to  examine  the  case  of  false 
teeth  of  wliich  mention  was  incidentally  made,  and  too 
much  stress  cannot  be  laid  upon  this  fact,  as  a  mistaken  im- 
pression to  the  contrary  seems  to  have  got  abroad.  They 
came  only  to  hold  their  nineteenth  annual  Convention,  and 
met  at  Saratoga  in  consequence  of  its  fitness  for  a  regatta 
course.  The  proceedings  of  the  Convention  were  so  emi- 
nently interesting  that  an  informal  or  dentiformal  account 
of  them  may  not  be  uninteresting  to  liberal  minded  readers. 
And  if  any  of  them  happen  to  have  the  toothache,  read- 
ing me  won't  be  much  worse,  perhaps,  than  having  it 
pulled. 

After  prayer — never  neglected  by  annual  conventions, 
which  makes  it  to  be  regretted  that  they  don't  meet  every 
day  of  the  year — poetry  was  announced  to  be  in  order,  and 
a  poetic  tooth-puller  by  the  name  of  Ambler  came  ambling 
in  on  his  Peagasus,  and  got  away  at  the  dropping  of  the  flag 
— sweet  flag,  which,  compounded  with  a  tincture  of  myrrh 
and  bitter  aloes,  makes  an  excellent  dentrifice. 

"Want  of  space  prevents  my  giving  the  poem  entire.  But 
I'll  outline  if  I  do  not  line  it  for  you,  and  the  rest  you  can 
get  at  by  a  process  of  ratiocination  if  the  alveolar  one  fails. 
It  did  not  begin  after  the  style  of  the  watercress  vender's 
song ; — "  Buy  my  bi-cuspids,  buy,  buy,  buy  ;  my  fresh  bi-cus- 

171 


172  ABOUT  AMALGAMATIONS. 

pids,  by  the  by,"  tliongli  it  might  have  done  so  ;  the  Doctor 
went  along  at  a  hand  gallop,  and  showed  excellent  time  con- 
sidering the  condition  of  the  track  and  the  fact  that  he  got 
none  of  the  gate  money ;  and  it  was  remarked  that  few  conld 
have  made  a  better  string  nnder — pardon  me,  I've  got  the 
dental  convention  all  mixed  up  with  horse-racing  and  rolling 
ten-pins.  So  I  will  simply  give  the  concluding  lines  of  the 
poem,  which  ran,  or  ambled,  as  follows  : — 

"  Union !  heart  and  hand  and  grinders,* 
For  the  good  of  all  mankinders." 

The  poem  was  much  applauded  by  the  profession,  and  the 
President  remarked  at  its  conclusion  that  he  was  filled  with 
gratitude — a  much  finer  "  filling,"  to  his  thinking,  than  gold. 
After  the  meeting  was  again  called  to  order  by  the  rap  of  an 
"  automaton  mallet,"  Dr.  Wrenlace,  taking  his  cue  evidently 
from  the  President's  remark,  arose  and  demonstrated  the 
"manner  of  amalgam  filling" — w^iich  the  uninitiated  reader 
must  not  for  a  moment  confound  with  amalgamation  feel- 
ing. 

After  Dr.  "Wrenlace  had  told  how  the  filling  might  be  put 
in,  Dr.  Treeters  of  New  York  got  up  and  told  how  it  might 
soonest  be  taken  out,  giving  it  as  his  earnest  conviction  that 
any  dentist  who  in  this  nineteenth  century  uses  such  a  relic 
of  barbarism  as  the  combination  of  quicksilver  and  iron- 
filings,  known  to  the  profession  as  "  amalgam,"  "  cement," 
or  "platina"  fillings,  deserves  himself  to  be  drilled  just  back 
of  the  ear  with  one  of  those  infernal  buzz-saws  lately  intro- 
duced into  dentistry  under  the  name  of  "mechanical  drills," 
have  the  cavity  scraped  with  a  coal-shovel,  and  be  finally 
"  plugged "  with  a  set  of  forceps  shot  from  a  musket  of  the 
army  pattern. 

In  illustration  of  his  theory  he  narrated  the  case  of  your 


*According  to  The  Saratogian  these  concluding  lines  run  as  follows,  but  the 
reader  can  draw  his  own  inference  as  to  which  has  got  them  down  rightly : — 

Union ! — heart  and  hand  and  mind, 
For  the  good  of  all  mankind. 


"  IF  ANY  MAN  ATTEMPT?,"  ETC.  173 

correspondent,  who  was  once  accused  of  neuralgia  by  sevei-al 
dry  nurses  of  the  Wickes  pattern  with  doctors'  diplomas,  and 
sentenced  to  go  for  a  month's  recreation  shooting  and  fishing 
in  the  country,  with  two  ingeniously  constructed  galvanic 
batteries,  technically  known  as  "amalgam  fillings,"  in  full 
play  in  his  mouth,  only  reprieved  at  the  last  moment  by  that 
apostle  of  humanity,  Dr.  Theodore  G.  Thomas,  who  ordered 
him  to  stay  at  home  and  have  the  fillings  out  at  once,  thus 
saving  his  life  though  not  his  reason — in  proof  of  which 
statement  in  its  entirety — the  life  and  reason  part — have 
you  not  these  writings  ?  But  if  I  succeed  in  preventing  one 
single  human  creature  from  being  persuaded  ovei',  under 
any  pretense  whatever,  to  an  "  amalgam  filling,"  I  shall  feel 
that  I  have  neither  suflered  nor  written  in  vain — in  this  vein, 
I  mean. 

Next  came  a  discussion  as  to  what  should  be  done  in  a 
certain  dental  contingency  lately  discussed  in  these  columns. 
On  motion  of  Dr.  Treeters,  the  following  order,  telegraphed 
from  the  Governor's  headquarters,  at  Albany,  was  ordei'ed  to 
be  spread — pretty  thick — on  the  minutes  of  the  meeting: 
"  If  any  man  attempts  to  haul  out  his  American  teeth  at  the 
dinner  table,  shoot  him  on  the  spot.  DixitP  It  was  here 
suggested  that  this  would  be  death  in  his  spot,  literally,  and 
the  question  arose  whether,  insomuch  as  the  order  was  spread 
on  the  minutes  of  the  meeting,  it  would  not  be  necessary  to 
shoot  the  culprit  with  a  minute-gun  in  carrying  it  out.  An 
amendment  to  this  order  of  the  day  was  accordingly  seconded 
by  the  one  who  kept  the  minutes,  the  final  passage  of  the 
motion  being  regarded  as  a  victory  for  hour  side  of  the 
house. 

And  now  Dr.  Mills — who  believes  that  grinders  sliould  be 
made  to  grind  slow  but  exceedingly  fine,  like  the  mills  of  the 
gods — read  an  essay  on  the  sul)ject  of  "Salivary  Calculus." 
Owing  to  a  slight  pre-occupation  caused  by  the  reflection  that 
it  was  near  dinner-time,  I  did  not  succeed  in  following  his 
train  of  reasoning  so  closely  as  I  hope  to  on  another  occasion  ; 
but  the  general  summing  up  would  lead  one  to  believe  that 


174  GUMMING  IS  DISCUSSED. 

it  is  next  to  impossible  to  calculate  or  attempt  to  calculate 
the  exact  amount  of  saliva,  which  the  average  American  gets 
rid  of  to  the  hour  when  in  good  condition. 

The  question  whether  aching  teeth  or  gunpowder  had 
caused  most  misery  to  tlie  liunian  race,  elicited  a  deal  of 
discussion.  The  profession  seemed  divided  in  opinion.  One 
delegate,  a  dentist  from  Dunkirk — tooth-puller  in  ordinary 
to  the  Administration,  and  a  member  of  the  Dent  family,  of 
course — thought  the  pangs  of  toothache  had  been  much 
exaggerated ;  he  had  rather  have  a  toothache  any  day  of  the 
week  and  any  hour  of  the  day  than  lose  office,  and  he  com- 
mented very  severely  on  the  want  of  fortitude  exhibited  by 
those  who  make  a  mountain  out  of  a  mole-ar  ill. 

J^ext  came  a  paper  on  "  continuous  gum  work,"  and  there 
was  an  evident  disposition  to  give  Dr.  John  Lalen  credit  for 
preeminence  in  this  line.  Indeed  it  is  not  improbable  that 
Dr.  Lalen  would  have  carried  off  the  belt  had  it  not  been 
suggested  that  the  most  continuous  gum  work  is  done  by 
those  members  of  the  community  who  contrive  to  get  along 
without  any  work  at  all — relying  for  their  living  on  one  con- 
tinuous "  gum  game  "  through  life.  This  robbed  Dr.  Lalen 
of  his  laurels — though  I  really  am  not  certain  that  laurel  is 
the  crown  of  the  teeth  exactly. 

The  Executive  Committee  at  this  moment  reporting  an 
assessment  of  two  dollars  each  on  all  present,  to  defray 
expenses,  an  immediate  motion  for  adjournment  was  heard 
from  all  parts  of  the  house.  And  it  being  evident  that  the 
"  Ayes "  had  it  and  the  "  Noes "  were  nowhere,  some  one 
sprang  to  his  feet  and  made  himself  the  mouthpiece  of  the 
meeting  by  moving  that  they  go  over  to  the  Grand  Union 
and  dine  at  the  expense  of  the  hotel,  which  motion  was 
carried  without  a  dissentient  voice  or  the  consent  of  the 
proprietors. 

After  a  careful  examination  of  my  report,  I  find  that  I 
have  splendidly  succeeded  in  telling  very  little  as  it  actually 
occurred,  and  if  this  does  not  bring  me  a  permanent  situation 
as  reporter,  it  will  only  be  because  a  genius  for  invention  is 


FACTS  I'LL  SWEAR  TO.  175 

not  SO  much  appreciated  by  the  Great  Moral  Organ  as  by 
some  other  journals.  A  few  things,  however,  I  will  stick  to 
as  having  got  down  right. 

First :  there  was  a  Dental  Convention  here. 

Second :  two  dollars  was  assessed  on  each  member. 

Third :  they  dined  at  the  Grand  Union. 

Fourth :  any  dentist  who  uses  an  amalgam  filling  in  the 
mouth  of  a  patient  deserves  to  be  bitten  to  death  (in  the 
back)  by  the  envenomed  teeth  of  a  gigantic  shrimp. 


CHAPTER  XXY. 

SHOWING   THE   ADVANTAGES    OF    HAVING  A   WEEKLY  EIRE  DEILL 

IN    EVERT   FAJVULT 

DISCO  \^ERING  by  some  subtile  analysis  that  we  had 
become  so  accustomed  to  the  dumping  of  ice  under  our 
windows,  that  it  didn't  disturb  us  much  or  break  our  sleep, 
they  got  up  an  alarm  of  fire  under  our  window  about  one 
o'clock  this  morning,  by  way  of  variety,  thinking  probably 
that  this  would  fix  us  completely^  Since  Saratoga  was 
burned  down  the  last  time,  the  villagers  have  been  very 
much  afraid  of  fire.  On  Fourths  of  July  fireworks  are  shut 
oif  entirely,  and  nothing  inflammable  is  allowed  on  the  streets ; 
even  red-headed  girls  are  forbidden  to  show  themselves. 
During  the  season,  Col.  Johnson  and  two  or  three  other 
residents  patrol  the  streets  all  night  long,  to  make  sure  that 
everything  is  right.  So  much  afraid  of  fire  are  the  villagers 
in  fact,  that  when  one  occurs  they  either  ramble  off  in  a 
contrary  direction,  or  else  stand  still  on  the  sidewalk,  yell- 
ing fire,  but  keeping  as  far  away  from  it  as  possible. 

Well,  I  was  out  of  bed  this  morning  and  had  my  forces 
marshalled  at  the  first  alarm.  By  way  of  providing  against 
a  possible, contingency,  I  always  have  a  fire  drill  in  my  family 
once  a  week.  In  consequence,  when  the  alarm  is  given  each 
member  ought  to  know  what  to  do.  Paulina  should  roll  her- 
self up  in  as  small  compass  as  possible,  and  stand  ready  to 
be  pitched  out  of  the  window.  Mrs.  Paul  is  instructed  to 
wrap  herself  up  in  a  sheet  and    stand   on   the  window-sill 

176 


WHAT  WAS  NOT  WORN  AT  THE  FIRE  ALARM.  I77 

in  the  traditional  attitude  of  a  Koman  virgin  shrieking : — ■■ 

"  Save,  oh,  save  me  !  " 

The  head  of  the  family  is  expected  to  slip  on  his  swallow- 
tail, put  his  wife's  best  back  hair  in  the  rear  pockets,  and 
get  out  by  the  nearest  stairs  as  speedily  as  is  consistent 
with  the  secondary  duty  of  picking  up  on  the  way  any 
valuable  portable  property  that  the  neighbors  happen 
to  have  dropped  in  hurried  flight.  On  this  occasion 
discipline  failed.  Mrs.  Paul  rushed  to  the  window,  whisper- 
ing in  dulcet  tones,  "  Pitch  me  out ! "  Paulina  crawled 
under  the  bed,  shouting  "  I  am  saved  ! "  And  the  head  of 
the  family,  on  reaching  for  his  swallow-tail,  discovered  that  it 
had  been  split  up  the  back  and  down  the  middle,  till  it  looked 
for  all  the  .world  like  a  pair  of  saddle-bags  struck:  by  lightning. 
That  came  of  lending  it  to  Johnson  for  the  last  promenade 
concert.  This  is  about  the  order  that  apparatus  always  is  in 
when  wanted,  and  I  rather  imagine  that  my  experience  illus- 
trates pretty  nearly  what  all  fire  drills  amount  to  when  it 
comes  to  the  real  thing. 

Other  families,  that  had  no  weekly  fire  drill  and  were  con- 
sequently unprepared  for  such  contingencies,  rushed  at  once 
into  the  halls  and  went  to  getting  down  stairs  as  best  they 
could.  With  tlie  dress  of  the  ladies  of  the  house  I  was  by 
this  time  familiar,  from  its  frequent  exhibition  at  the  hops; 
but  here  was  a  new  revelation.  How  shall  I  describe  what 
they  wore  at  this  hop  in  the  hall — impromptu  and  formal, 
but  decidedly  the  liveliest  hop  of  the  season?  To  tell  what 
was  worn  would  occu])y  very  little  time;  but  how  to  tell 
what  was  not — ah,  there's  the  rub.  Chignons  were  at  a  dis- 
count— crinoline  was  discarded.  You  looked  in  vain  for 
ribbons — fuss  abounded  but  without  the  customary  and  tra- 
ditional feathers.  One  lady,  determined  not  to  be  caught 
without  her  clothes,  carried  them  in  a  small  reticule. 

As  a  cool  and  unimpassioned  observer,  1  must  record,  how- 
ever, that,  as  a  rule  the  young  ladies  were  bewitching  in 
rohes  rle  nuit,  their  bare  little  feet  pccj>ing  out  beneath  the 
embroidered  edges  like  mice,  and  pattering  on  the  floor  like 
12 


178     THE  DOWAGER  MAKING  BAD  WEATHER  OF  IT. 

Biimmer  rain.  But  all  don't  "  peel "  so  well.  There  was  the 
Dowager  Dunderberg,  for  instance,  under  the  shortest  of 
canvas,  backing  and  tilling,  wearing  and  tacking,  and  alto- 
gether making  the  worst  weather  that  ever  was  seen.  Her 
high  quarter  galleries  worked  and  creaked,  until  it  seemed  a 
foregone  conclusion  that  at  the  next  pitch  she'd  go  down 
stern  foremost.  Had  she  but  run  down  her  spanker,  bowsed 
up  her  jib  a  bit,  and  shown  a  staysail  to  the  wind,  she'd  have 
rode  out  the  rough  weather  very  comfortably,  and  could  have 
given  any  number  of  the  lesser  and  weaker  vessels  safe  and 
sufficient  protection  under  her  ample  lee.  But  what  can  one 
expect  of  a  woman  who  has  never  been  to  sea  herself,  and 
won't  let  her  daughters  go  yachting? 

As  for  her  two  "  girls,"  left  to  themselves  for  perhaps  the 
first  time  since  the  pinafore  period,  they  appeared  remark- 
ably well,  and  would  probably  have  got  comfortably  settled 
in  life  had  the  commotion  continued  five  minutes  longer ; 
the  Dowager  might  have  got  a  settler,  too,  when  a  chance 
came  for  the  boys  to  throw  beams  and  bricks  around.  But 
neither  consummation  was  to  be. 

By  the  time  that  we'd  all  have  been  done  to  a  nice  crisp,  if 
not  entirely  burned  up,  had  the  fire  been  within  a  couple  of 
blocks,  I  had  the  satisfaction  of  learning  that  it  was  a  mile 
off  on  another  street.  The  villagers,  however,  showed 
themselves  equal  to  the  occasion  by  turning  out,  every 
mother's  son  of  them,  standing  resolutely  on  their  doorsteps 
(the  few  that  didn't  put  themselves  in  battery  directly  under 
my  window),  and  yelling  like  copper-colored  Indians  over 
the  barbecue  of  a  captive.  This  sort  of  thing  went  on  for 
an  hour  by  the  watch.  Enough  noise  was  made,  and  suffi- 
cient jubilee  got  up  for  the  burning  of  Boston.  In  about 
half  an  hour  from  this  time  an  enterprising  resident  who 
lived  on  the  comer  came  along  and  said  that  it  was  only  a 
small  stable,  and  the  fire  was  out — the  natural  result  of  the 
building  being  burned  down. 

All  this  while  we  were  wondering  where  the  Saratoga  fire 
department  was.    In  twenty  minutes  or  so  more  the  mystery 


PROCESSION  TO  PUT  OUT  THE  FIRE.  1^9 

was  solved  by  the  appearance  of  the  institution  itself.  A 
steam  lire-engine,  drawn  by  two  men  and  a  boy,  came  dashing 
along  in  its  mad  career,  and  stuck  in  the  mud  directly 
under  our  window.  Evidently  they  knew  that  the  ice  men 
were  off  duty  and  we  had  begun  to  think  of  going  to  sleep. 
"When  it  is  considered  that  lynch-pins  had  to  be  whittled  out 
of  hard  wood  for  the  wheels,  the  considerer  can  but  marvel 
at  the  dispatch  iu  getting  on  the  ground. 

"  Just  sit  up  a  minute  longer,"  said  a  resident  who,  on 
being  informed  that  the  fire  was  out,  determined  that  it 
was  his  duty  to  go  to  it,  "and  we'll  show  you  something 
worth  seeing.  They've  had  a  meeting  at  the  Town  Hall  and 
determined  to  do  something." 

So  we  "  stayed  up."  Sure  enough,  just  before  daybreak  a 
band  of  music  was  audible  in  the  distance,  and  anon  a  body 
of  men  hove  in  sight  and  halted  under  our  windows.  If  the 
printed  programme  handed  round  was  right,  the  procession 
was  made  up  in  the  following  order : — 

PEOCESSION   TO   PUT   OUT   THE   FIRE   THIS  MONDAY   MORNING. 

Any  citizen  not  responding  to  this  notice  within  three  hours  of  its  being 
served  upon  him,  will  be  fined  fifty  (50)  cents.  Forming  in  the  Congress 
Spring  grounds,  the  procession  will  move  as  follows : — 

Bernstein's  Band. 

The  President  of  the  Village. 

Col.  Johnson,  equipped  with  the  largest  horse-syringe  in  town. 

Dipper  boys  from  the  various  springs — "The  only  recompense  these  boys 

receive  is  the  gratuities  given  them  by  visitors." 

Arbuckle — with  his  cornet  full  of  Congress  water. 

James  Breslin:  H.  H.  Hathorn. 

Peter  Gardner:  Major  Lcland. 

Charles  Lcland:  J.  M.  Marvin. 

Pat.  Gilniore  :  Price  McGrath. 

Thompson,  the  head  waiter  (who  has  not  before  had  a  notice). 

The  handsome  and  accompliKhod  room  clerk. 

Rodgcrs,  Gage,  and  Lowell. 

William:  PVisbie :    Amos:  Peter. 

B.  F.  Judson:  E.  T.  Huling  (riding  in  the  Postmaster's  pony  phaeton). 

Col.  Dave  Ritchie :  Col.  John  McDowell. 

More  ColonelH. 

John  Morrissey  and  Dealers. 


180  DISCUSSION  ABOUT  MOVING. 


Distinguished  citizens  In  carriages. 
Educated  Ben — the  Learned  Pig. 

The  beautiful  Indian  Girl. 

The  Corn-Doctor,  with  certificates. 

Man  with  scales — "  Try  your  wait  for  five  cents.*" 

Other  distinguished  citizens  in  carts. 

The  Serene  Superintendent  of  the  Adirondack  Railroad  seated  in  two 

passenger  cars. 

Moon  and  Myers,  arm  in  arm,  and  armed  with  bill-hooks  and  skinning-kniTes. 

Owners  of  real  estate  in  the  vicinity. 

Distinguished  citizens  on  horseback. 

Distinguished  citizens  in  wheelbarrows. 

Distinguished  citizens  on  foot. 

Citizens  who  are  not  distinguished. 

More  citizens  who  are  not  distinguished. 

All  sorts  of  citizens. 

Citizens. 

Lander's  Band. 

P.  S.     The  whole  affair  will  be  under  the  personal  superintendence  of  the 
polite  and  accomplished  Prof.  Manuel. — [Daily  Saratogian  Print]. 

Immediately  on  halting  under  our  windows,  a  discussion 
arose  as  to  the  propriety  of  getting  the  engine  out  of  the 
mud  without  further  notice,  and  proceeding  to  find  out 
where  the  fire  was.  This  was  debated  at  length.  Breslin 
and  Gardner  objected  to  getting  the  engine  out  because  it 
might  help  Congress  Hall  in  some  way.  Hathorn  thought 
to  have  it  stay  where  it  was  would  advertise  the  Grand 
Union  too  much.  Charles  Leland  would  pay  something 
towards  releasing  the  wheels  from  the  mire,  if  they'd  trundle 
the  machine  along  in  front  of  the  Clarendon  and  squirt  a  lit- 
tle water  on  the  grass  in  the  grounds.  Marvin  declared  that 
the  United  States  hadn't  enough  interest  in  the  matter  to 
pay  a  cent  either  way.  Major  Leland  swore  that  he'd  sub- 
scribe any  amount  necessary  either  to  bury  the  machine 
where  it  was  or  to  roll  it  down  to  Ballston,  if  any  one  else 
would  furnish  the  money.  Huling  was  sure  the  whole 
thing  was  a  trick  of  the  Administration,  in  collusion  with  the 
Postmaster,  to  injure  the  sale  of  The  Sentinel.  Judson  and 
Eitchie  both  intimated  that  The  Sa/ratogicm  would  be  found 
supporting  the  winning  side. 


HOW  I  STARTED  THE  PROCESSION.  181 

The  distinguished  citizens,  in  carriages,  carts,  and  wheel- 
barrows, on  horseback  and  on  foot,  one  and  all  were  imani- 
mously  of  the  opinion  that  if  much  expense  was  involved 
either  the  proprietors  of  the  hotels  or  the  boarders  should 
step  forward  and  stand  it ;  this  was  the  way  of  it  in  all  other 
things,  and  they  didn't  see  why  there  should  be  any  depart- 
ure from  the  fixed  rule  in  this  instance.  Visitors  had  "  the 
waters  "  free,  and  this  was  enough  for  them. 

And  the  procession  would  be  standing  there  under  our 
windows  yet,  if  I  hadn't  announced  that  a  hat  would  now  be 
passed  around  as  the  initiatory  step  toward  raising  a  fund  for 
sweeping  the  sidewalks  once  every  summer,  and  that  a  sub- 
scription list  would  accompany  it  for  the  convenience  of 
those  who  had  "  no  change "  on  the  spot.  The  effect  was 
galvanic ;  that  engine  came  out  of  the  mud  like  a  speckled 
trout  rising  at  a  June  fly,  and,  with  every  hand  in  the  pro- 
cession hold  of  the  rope,  went  rumbling  off  in  the  wrong 
direction,  with  a  speed  only  equaled  by  the  Adirondack 
Railroad.  And  we  dressed  and  went  down  to  breakfast,  for 
it  was  now  well  on  to  8  o'clock. 

Now  do  not  gather  from  my  plain  and  trutliful  account 
of  this  conflagration  that  I  intend  to  cast  any  reflections  on 
the  enterprise  and  public  spirit  (or  want  of  it)  displayed  by 
the  citizens  of  Saratoga.  But  I  could  offer  a  few  suggestions 
for  their  consideration,  if  assured  that  they  would  be  kindly 
received,  and  my  life  were  well  insured  in  a  good  company.  It 
seems  to  me  unwise,  for  instance,  to  charge  a  stranger  double 
the  price  for  everything  he  wishes  that  a  resident  is  expected 
to  pay.  Shear  your  sheep  anniuilly,  good  Saratogians, 
instead  of  skinning  it.  Instead  of  getting  all  you  can  and 
keeping  all  you  get,  expend  a  little  of  it  for  the  comfort  of 
those  from  whom  you  get  it ;  so  ha])ly  you  may  get  more  out 
of  them  in  the  fullness  of  time.  Life  is  brief,  it  is  true,  but 
not  so  brief  as  to  make  it  necessary  that  each  one  of  you 
should  get  rich  in  a  single  season. 

To  mention  one  single  instance  among  many  of  inexcusa- 
ble meanness — I  mean   nejjfliijence — should  the  vilhiirc   not 


182  SERMON  FOR  SARATOGIANS. 

sprinkle  its  main  street  in  summer  ?  As  it  is,  jour  visitors 
are  driven  in  from  the  pleasant  piazzas  by  the  dust,  if  there 
happen  to  be  enough  air  stirring  to  waft  the  scent  of  a  rose 
or  red-herring  from  one  nostril  to  the  other.  The  expense  of 
sprinkling  would  not  be  very  great — I'll  come  up  here  with 
a  watering-pot  myself  next  summer  for  my  board  and  clothes 
— and  the  benefit  would  be  immense.  For  the  looks  of  the  thing 
alone,  if  for  no  other  reason,  would  it  not  be  well  to  do  it  ? 

Nature  has  done  much  for  Saratoga,  and  the  pale  invalids 
who  come  here  annually  to  prepare  for  the  grave,  bringing 
an  average  of  five  trunks  apiece,  and  leaving  thousands  and 
thousands  of  dollars  among  you,  have  done  more.  With 
very  little  exertion  your  village  might  be  made  the  prettiest 
and  pleasantest  resort  on  the  continent.  But  the  whole  onus 
of  attraction  is  thrown  on  the  hotels,  and  outside  of  them 
very  little  is  offered,  very  little  is  done  for  the  comfort  and 
enjoyment  of  those  whom  you  think  it  legitimate  to  deprive 
of  their  natural  cuticles. 

Now,  having  finished  my  little  sermon,  and  probably 
incurred  the  unending  hatred  of  all  Saratogians,  I  will  hie 
me  to  that  little  bed  from  which  I  was  untimely  roused  this 
morning.  It  has  indeed  been  rough  on  the  family  of  late. 
Three  nights  in  succession  we  have  had  to  sit  up,  "  to  see  all 
we  could"  of  friends  who  were  going  off  in  the  early  train 
next  morning,  besides  having  to  get  up  before  honest  people 
should  be  stirring,  to  breakfast  with  and  see  them  off.  Now, 
my  first  inquiry  when  an  intimacy  becomes  imminent  is : — 
"When  you  go  from  here  shall  you  go  in  the  morning  or 
afternoon  train  ?  "  If  the  morning  one  is  hinted  at  as  even  a 
possibility,  my  manner  becomes  chillingly  cool,  and  if  this 
does  not  produce  the  desired  effect,  a  cessation  of  diplomatic 
intercourse,  I  hint  when  opportunity  offers  that  I  wish  to 
borrow  a  little  money  before  they  go.  This  latter  expedient 
never  fails,  and  I  am  soon  given  to  understand  that  I  am 
not  expected  to  be  up  all  night  as  well  as  the  next  morning 
in  order  to  be  with  them  up  to  the  last  minute  of  their 
departure. 


CHAPTER  XXYI. 

EMBODYING   A  POSTISIASTEr's    VIEWS    OF    PRESIDENT    GRANT   AND 
EESTJLTING  FROM  A  DRIVE  WITH  AN  INFATUATED  OFFICE-HOLDER. 

/^  EN.  GRANT  made  us  a  brief  visit  of  a  day  last  week ; 
\J  and  yesterday  the  Postmaster  of  the  village,  who  has  long 
been  promising  me  a  drive,  called  for  me  with  his  pony  phae- 
ton. To  this  drive  I  had  looked  forward  in  eager  anticipation 
of  profit  as  well  as  pleasure,  for  Postmaster  Sudjon  is  an  old 
resident,  familiar  with  every  farm-house  in  the  vicinity — 
knows  just  where  every  hen-roost  is,  and  when  the  hens  are 
laying — is  acquainted  with  all  the  traditions  of  the  village  as 
well  as  the  agricultural  statistics  of  the  suburbs,  and  has 
funds  of  anecdote  and  reminiscence  stored  up  in  the  treasure- 
house  of  his  capacious  brain.  So  you  can  imagine  what  rich 
material  for  history  1  hoped  to  glean  from  him  on  the  roadside. 

"  A  fine  day  for  a  drive,"  I  remarked,  as  the  gray  mare 
Eatty  laid  back  her  ears  and  started. 

"Yes,"  he  replied;  adding,  with  a  sigh,  "  but  I  regret  that 
Gen.  Grant  is  not  here  to  enjoy  it." 

We  drove  on  in  silence  for  some  minutes.  "  By  the  way," 
he  said,  wheeling  round  on  me  suddenly,  "  did  you  know  that 
Gen.  Grant  passed  through  here  last  week  ?" 

I  mildly  intimated  that  I  didn't  know  much  else  either  at 
the  time  of  the  General's  transit  or  since.  "An  excellent 
thing  for  the  village — a  perfect  godsend  for  the  town,"  he 
went  on  in  a  meditative  manner;  "the  influence  of  such  a 
man  cannot  be  overrated.  His  passing  through  hero  will  do 
us  a  world  of  good  ;   it  may  not  be  felt  now,  perhaps,  but 


184:     WE  CONTEMPLATE  THE  CHARACTER  OF  GRANT. 

posterity  will  be  benefited  ;"  and  then  he  reached  forward  in 
contemplation  of  the  far  future,  and  tickled  the  gray  mare 
Kitty's  ears  with  the  whip.  She  promptly  responded  by  kick- 
ing the  dashboard  into  leather  shoe-strings.  "  It's  a  playful 
way  she  has,"  explained  the  Postmaster.  "  I  wish  that  Gen. 
Grant  were  here  to  enjoy  it." 

"  What  is  the  general  character  of  the  country  roundabout  ?" 
I  asked,  by  way  of  getting  at  the  stores  of  statistics. 

"Rather  sandy,"  he  replied ;  "  but  for  richness  it  is  not  to 
be  compared  to  the  character  of  Gen,  Grant.  There  is  a  man 
it  will  do  to  study ;  you  can't  get  at  him  all  to  once ;  he's  like 
Saratoga  County  ;  you've  got  to  dig  down  deep  and  cut  cross 
lots  and  pull  up  stumps  to  see  what  he's  really  made  of ;"  and 
the  Postmaster  again  lapsed  into  abstraction. 

"  Are  there  any  notable  families  in  the  neighborhood  ?"  I 
asked. 

"  None  by  the  name  of  Grant,"  he  said ;  "  there  ought  to 
be  for  the  credit  of  the  county,  but  there  aint.  My  children 
are  all  girls ;  but  if  Providence  grants  me  a  boy  next  time,  I'll 
call  him  Grant." 

We  drove  on.  By  and  by  we  came  out  on  a  high  bluff 
overlooking  the  lake.  The  scene  was  a  lovely  one.  Far, 
far  in  the  distance  stretched  the  blue  waters,  fringed  by  grass- 
grown  banks,  or  deeper  bordered  with  trees  tricked  out  in 
summer  green.  Scarce  a  ripple  disturbed  the  mirror-like 
surface  of  the  lake,  and  lilies,  their  bosoms  of  gold  bared  to 
the  afternoon  sun,  lay  asleep  near  the  shore.  It  would  have 
seemed  profanation  to  launch  a  boat  with  creaking  row-locks 
and  noisy  oars  on  such  waters ;  only  a  birch  bark  canoe,  the 
paddle  dipped  by  a  tawny  Indian  maiden,  could  be  in  unison 
with  the  scene  and  surroundings ;  silence  in  air,  water,  and 
everywhere  was  the  suggestion  of  the  picture. 

"  What  a  beautiful  view  !  "  I  cried,  turning  in  rapt  admira- 
tion to  the  Postmaster. 

"  Sort  of,"  he  said ;  "  but  when  you  turn  to  view  the 
character  of  Gen.  Grant  it  is  nowhere  in  comparison — 
nowhere."  And  he  whipped  up  the  gray  mare  Kitty,  and 
drove  by  both  Moon's  and  Myers',  so  absorbed  in  study  that 


WE  CONTEMPLATE  GRANT'S  CHARACTER.  185 

he  never  thought  of  asking  me  if  we  hadn't  better  stop  and 
get  out  and  have  something  to  eat  and  drink. 

So  it  went  on  till  near  ten  o'clock  at  night.  About  this  time 
I  suggested  that  insomuch  as  I  came  away  without  my  dinner 
perhaps  we  had  better  go  home  to  supper,  and  on  looking  at 
his  watch  the  Postmaster  thought  so  too.  And  after  a  little 
argument  the  gray  mare  Kitty  was  brought  to  be  of  the  same 
mind,  and  we  tacked  ship  and  headed  off  in  another  direction. 

"A  remarkable  animal,  that  Kitty,"  said  the  Postmaster; 
"  if  anything  happened  to  me  she'd  find  her  way  home  in  the 
dark — remarkable  animal ;  I  wish  Grant  were  here  to  enjoy 
her." 

After  driving  an  hour*or  two  a  bright  light  became  visible 
above  the  tree  tops.     "  What  is  tliat  ? "  I  asked. 

"  The  town-hall  clock,"  he  replied  ;  "  it's  got  an  illuminated 
face,  and  is  always  the  first  thing  you  see  when  you  come 
into  the  village  at  night ;  it  shows  up  head  and  shoulders 
above  everything  else — ^just  like  the  character  of  Gen.  Grant." 

"We  drove  on  for  another  hour  and  I  got  hungrier,  but  the 
town  clock  didn't  seem  to  get  any  nearer.  "  Are  you  sure 
you're  on  the  right  road  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Sure  I'm  on  the  right  road  ? "  answered  the  Postmaster. 
"  Pve  lived  here  man  and  boy  for  seventeen  years ;  there's 
not  a  cow-path  I'm  not  acquainted  with ;  there  isn't  a  house 
that  I  don't  know  who  lives  there.  Last  fall  I  stumped  the 
county  for  Grant.  And  if  I  didn't  know  the  road,  Kitty 
would  take  us  home  straight  as  a  string.  We  ought  to  be 
near  Merrick's  place  now." 

"  Sure  enough,"  he  added  a  minute  after,  "  here  it  is,  and 
there's  Merrick  himself  sitting  on  the  front  stoop ;  we'll 
drive  up  and  speak  to  him."  And  he  reined  Kitty  out  of  the 
road  a  little  and  pulled  up  by  the  gate  with  "  Halloa,  Merrick ! " 

"  1  aint  Merrick,"  said  the  man  doggedly. 

"  Oh,  no,  of  course  you  aint,  I  know  that ;  but  this  is 
Merrick's  ]>lace." 

"No,  this  aint  Merrick's  place." 

"Sure  enough,  I  see  now;  it's  Dimmock's ;  Merrick's  is 
just  beyond." 


186         GRANT'S  CHARACTER  CONTEMPLATED. 

"  No  it  aint  Dimmock's,  and  Merrick's  aint  just  beyond 
nnther." 

"  Of  course  not ;  how  could  I  be  so  mistaken  ?  It's  Knick- 
erbacker's." 

"  No,  it  aint  Knickerbacker's." 

"  Judge  Sackett's  ? " 

"No." 

"  Whose  in  thunder  is  it,  then?  " 

"  Why,  it's  mine,  darn  ye." 

"My  friend,"  I  interposed  soothingly,  "can  you  tell  us 
how  far  off  the  town  clock  is  ?  " 

"  What  town  clock  ?  "  he  growled. 

"  That  one — Saratoga,"  and  I  pointed  at  the  light  above 
the  tree  tops. 

"  That's  the  moon,  you  darned  fool,  and  you're  on  the 
main  street  in  Ballston ; "  and  he  went  into  the  house,  slam- 
mino;  the  door  behind  him  as  if  he  wanted  to  take  it  off  its 
hinges. 

"  I'm  sorry  he's  gone,  for  I  was  just  going  to  ask  him  if 
he'd  ever  studied  the  character  of  Gen.  Grant,"  remarked 
the  Postmaster.  "  Get  up,  Kitty,"  and  he  touched  her  with 
the  whip.  This  time,  beside  cleaning  up  what  was  left  of 
the  dashboard,  she  took  a  splinter  as  big  as  a  piece  of  cord- 
wood  out  of  the  other  end  of  the  phaeton. 

We  got  home  some  time  the  next  morning,  and  if  ever  I 
undertake  to  study  the  character  of  Gen.  Grant  or  drive 
with  the  Postmaster  again,  let  me  know  it  in  advance.  Nor 
is  my  confidence  in  the  ability  of  an  intelligent  horse  to  find 
the  way  home,  when  his  master  is  at  fault,  quite  so  strong  as 
it  was.  Certainly  the  gray  mare  Kitty  is  not  to  be  relied  on 
for  drawing  those  nice  distinctions,  but  she  is  considerable 
on  dashboards  if  you  stir  her  ears  with  a  whip,  and  this 
breaks  up  the  monotony  of  driving  through  a  level  country 
like  Saratoga.  So  I  can  well  understand  Postmaster  Sudjon's 
refusal  to  part  with  her  for  any  price  that  he  has  yet  been 
offered.  But  I  don't  see  what  he  sees  in  Grant  that's  so 
stunning. 


LONG  BRIDGE— MOON'S  LANDING— SARATOGA   LAKJC. 


CHAPTER  XXYII. 

GrVING  THE  EEADER  A  RIDE   TO   THE   LAKE  AND  A  CHEAP   INTEO- 
DUCTION  TO  MOON  AND  MTEKS. 

OYER  the  beauties  of  Saratoga  Lake  I  have  lingered  and 
poetized  previously.  But  I  do  not  remember  to  have 
before  expatiated  on  either  a  breakfast  or  a  dinner  at  Moon's. 
Some  things  cannot  and  should  not  be  attempted  twice. 
Considering  what  a  luxury  a  meal  at  Moon's  is,  it  is  to  be 
regretted  that  it  can  be  indulged  in  but  once  in  a  lifetime ; 
yet  such  is  the  fact.  He  takes  all  you've  got  the  first  time. 
Just  five  years  ago,  if  memory  serves  me  rightly,  I  dined 
there.  More  than  this,  /paid  for  the  dinner.  It  is  perhaps 
unnecessary  to  state  that  penury  has  been  my  portion  ever 
since.  Economy,  which  is  no  less  the  ofispring  of  necessity 
than  the  parent  of  wealtli,  has  pulled  me  up  a  little,  but  I 
have  never  succeeded  in  accumulating  sufficient  to  justify  me 
in  dining  there  again.  Friends,  wealthy  and  unsophisticated 
friends,  occasionally  invite  me  to  drive  out  and  dine,  but  I 
always  respond  by  asking  the  exact  amount  of  their  personal 
property.  After  getting  at  this,  I  move  that  we  divide,  as 
this  is  manifestly  much  better  than  giving  it  all  to  Moon. 

But  the  other  day  I  yielded  against  my  better  judgment. 
If  any  men  can  afford  to  dine  at  Moon's  it  should  be  those 
who  cover  nickel  spoons,  forks,  etc.,  with  a  thin  coating  of 
silver  and  get  a  solid  silver  price  for  them,  especially  if  they 
have  their  own  carriage  and  horses  here,  and  are  not  let  in 
for  the  original  cost  of  an  equipage  to  get  out  there.     This  is 


188  CONVERSATION  IN  DEEP  BASS. 

precisely  how  my  friends  were  fixed.  But  the  dinner  at 
Moon's  changed  all  that.  Mr.  Meriden  has  retrenched  on  his 
team — changed  them  for  a  cheaper  pair.  Friends  may  not 
notice  the  difference,  but  it  exists ;  formerly  he  drove  a  pair 
of  sloe-black  horses,  but  now  he  rides  behind  a  pair  of  black 
slow  ones.  And  Charles  Larker  found  himself  so  reduced 
in  ready  money  that  he  was  obliged  to  board  at  the  Mansion 
House  for  the  rest  of  his  stay  in  Saratoga. 

We  had  a  good  dinner  though,  and  were  allowed  to  go 
down  to  the  pond  and  catch  our  own  fish.  It  is  a  nice  pond, 
pebbled  and  weeded  like  a  natural  one,  and  black  bass,  vary- 
ing in  weight  from  one  to  four  pounds,  swim  round  in  it  con- 
tented and  happy  as  clams  at  high  water.  Before  catching 
our  fish  we  thought  it  best  to  select  a  fat  one,  so  one  of  the 
party  went  up  to  Moon's  to  get  something  to  call  them  to 
the  top  of  the  water  with.  He  returned  with  a  paper  of 
fried  potatoes, — the  cheapest  thing  he  could  get, — and  we 
threw  them  in.  A  fine  young  bass  came  up  to  inquire  the 
price,  but  immediately  retired  below,  remarking  in  a  deep 
bass  voice  that  he  couldn't  aiford  anything  from  Moon's. 

Spying  a  big  fellow  lying  in  the  shade  of  a  plank  that  is 
stretched  over  the  water,  to  tempt  visitors  to  walk  out  and 
fall  in,  and  so  furnish  cheap  food  for  the  fish,  we  determined 
to  drop  a  line  and,  if  possible,  persuade  him  to  join  us  at 
dinner.  In  response  he  opened  and  shut  his  mouth  slowly 
once  or  twice.  His  sounds  did  not  get  up  to  us,  but  we 
guessed  he  was  asking,  "  Where  ?  "  So  as  the  old  moon  was 
reflected  in  the  water  we  pointed  at  her  yellow  disk. 

He  bit  at  our  meaning  at  once — I  mean  he  caught  the 
reflection  without  further  elucidation.  And  he  ae:ain  began 
making  at  us  those  slow,  solemn  mouths  in  which  you've 
seen  fishes  indulge — vide  gold  fish  in  a  glass  globe  or  brook 
trout  in  an  aquarium.  The  beautiful  nursery  lines — where 
a  child  is  supposed  to  be  lost  in  abstract  contemplation  of  a 
prattling  parent — came  vividly  to  my  mind : — 

"What  is  the  sardme  talking  about? 
Very  wonderful  tins,  no  doubt." 


THE  BASS  DECLINES  TO  DINE  WITH  US.  189 

But  my  manufacturing  friends,  who,  among  other  things, 
make  fish-spoons — I  mean  "  spoons  "  for  trolling,  supplying 
fish  with  a  "  plate  "  which  is  instrumental  in  landing  them 
on  one  eventually — had  little  trouble  in  understanding  this 
unspoken  and  only  suggested  language.  According  to  their 
interpretation,  our  big  bass  remarked  that  he  had  an  engage- 
ment to  sing  tenor  for  the  first  time  at  a  small  fish  supper 
that  evening,  and  thought  it  was  about  time  to  be  taking  his 
plaice.  Besides,  he  could  not  think  of  joining  our  party  if 
we  were  going  to  dine  at  Moon's.  Such  invitations  had 
fallen  in  his  way  before,  but  he  always  steered  clear  of  them ; 
he  knew  what  was  expected. 

As  for  furnishing  the  dinner,  to  that  he  had  no  particular 
objection  ;  and  being  eaten  up  was  a  destiny  which  he  con- 
templated in  a  cheerful  spirit  rather  than  otherwise,  since, 
among  other  lines,  the  celebrated  ones  of  Pope— or  Pagan, 
he  was  not  exactly  sure  which — had  met  his  eye : — 

*'  Sure  the  pleasure  is  as  great 
In  being  eaten  as  to  eat." 

He  thought  an  Irishman  ought  to  reel  off  the  last  line  to 
make  the  rhyme  perfect  or  even  allowable,  but  would  not  be 
betrayed  into  a  criticism  which  after  all  might  be  considered 
fin-ical.  But  he  did  object,  decidedly  object,  to  furnishing 
the  dinner  himself  and  then  being  expected  to  pay  for  it 
beside.  He  could  never  bring  himself  to  believe  that  being 
devoured  was  a  personal  favor  for  which  one  should  show 
gratitude  to  the  gulper,  and  he  understood  that  this  was 
what  Moon  demanded  of  his  guests. 

"  We'd  be  all  in  the  same  boat,  if  we  dined  up  there,  gen- 
tlemen," he  said  in  conclusion  ;  "  it  would  be  the  last  of 
every  mother's  son  of  us ; "  and  waving  his  tail  in  gentle 
adieu  he  swam  away. 

I  did  not  hear  his  tale,  but  I  understood  its  end,  got  at  the 
fin-ale,  so  to  speak.  And  the  nub  of  it  was  exactly  like  that 
of  an  editor's  letter  when,  after  praising  the  article  you  "  have 
honored  him  by  submitting,"  he  tapers  gracefully  off  with, 
"  declined  with  thanks."     "We  then  tried  to  net  the  fish,  but 


190  FRENCHMEN  AND  FROGS. 

failed,  and  had  to  content  ourselves  with  getting  at  their 
weight  in  gross.  Tempting  them  with  "  spoons  "  plated  by 
the  rival  manufacturers  present  proved  equally  ineffectual ; 
they  looked  at  the  trade-marks  about  which  so  much  fuss  is 
made,  but  declined  to  be  betrayed  by  either.  But  why 
amplify  when  a  word  tells  it  all?  The  dinner  was  had,  and 
fish  had  place  thereat.  In  the  very  front  of  it  figured  our 
big  bass — just  as  I  thought  he  would  while  he  was  doing  all 
that  mouthing.  He  imagined  himself  so  smart,  and  so  fre- 
quently expressed  an  intention  not  to  be  caught,  that  I 
guessed  he'd  soon  pick  up  a  worm  that  would  trouble  him. 
I've  seen  such  people  before. 

There  were  frogs,  too.  Victor  Hugo,  in  "  Les  Miserables," 
makes  one  of  his  characters  declare  that  he  hates  cats,  for  the 
reason  that  the  cat  is  a  correction.  "  God,"  says  this  character, 
sitting  astride  of  a  harriere,  and  philosophizing  after  the  man- 
ner of  men  who  think  that  to  tear  up  paving  stones  and  throw 
sand  around,  and  blaspheme  promiscuously,  is  to  annihilate 
tyranny  and  found  a  republic,  "  God,  having  made  the 
mouse,  discovered  that  he  had  made  an  error ;  hence  the  cat. 
The  cat  is  a  correction ;  mouse  plus  cat  is  the  revised  and 
corrected  proof  of  creation." 

I  have  wondered  that  the  philosopher  of  the  harrieres  did 
not  find  his  error  in  the  frog,  and  look  for  the  correction  in 
the  Frenchman.  I  do  not  know  from  my  own  observation 
that  Frenchmen  eat  frogs,  but  I  have  heard  so ;  and  person- 
ally I  know  no  one  else  that  does.  But  there's  an  excuse  for 
the  Frenchman's  doing  it.  It  is  by  no  means  clear  to  me 
that  I  could  not  eat  a  frog  if  they  called  it  a  grenouille,  and 
I  didn't  know  what  it  really  was.  But  that  even  the  hungri- 
est Frenchman  could  or  would  eat  his  grenouille,  if  he  knew 
what  it  was  in  English,  is  a  proposition  I'll  dispute  to  my 
dying  day.  The  name's  against  it.  And  the  thing  itself  is 
green  and  speckled.  Beyond  a  slight  resemblance  to  an  ani- 
mated mushroom — a  resemblance  not  unlike  that  which  you 
may  trace  between  a  man  and  his  umbrella — there's  nothing 
edible  about  the  beast. 


WHO  PAYS,  BREAKS.  191 

And  were  I  a  grasshopper  I'd  not  trust  myself  within 
reach  of  the  man  who  eats  frogs.  Both  jump,  both  are  green, 
and  both  are  not  generally  considered  edible  by  the  best 
and  wisest  of  mankind.  There's  no  other  reason  that  I  know 
of  why  a  Frenchman,  or  any  one  else,  should  eat  either ;  but 
the  depraved  taste  that  is  avid  for  the  one  would  greedily  go 
for  the  other,  or  there's  nothing  in  reasoning  by  analogy. 

Have  you  ever  seen  a  frog  "dressed?"  If  so  you  will 
agree  with  me  that  no  one  possessed  of  even  average  aesthetic 
tastes  would  claim  that  the  frog  presents  a  pleasing  picture 
as  he  comes  on  the  table.  The  apparatus  for  jumping  is  aU 
there,  but  there's  nothing  to  jump — it  is  an  end  without 
means,  or  means  without  an  end,  I  scarcely  know  which. 
There  is  an  incongruity  about  the  dish  which  saddens  me, 
somewhat  as  when  I  contemplate  the  machinery  of  salvation 
and  think  of  the  many  cases  in  which,  were  it  applied,  so 
very  little  would  be  found  to  save.  Frogs  as  served  up  are 
to  me  suggestive  of  ballet  dancers — not  vox  etprceterec.  nihil 
exactly,  but  legs  and  nothing  beyond.  And  you  will  remark 
that  men  who  are  given  to  frogs  also  affect  ballet  girls. 

But,  jumping  from  one  thing  to  another,  men  at  Moon's 
do  not  live  by  fish  and  frogs  alone;  you  have  squabs  and 
chickens  whose  age  is  only  rivaled  by  that  of  the  accompany- 
ing wine,  woodcock  with  two  bills  for  every  head :  potatoes 
(a  vegetable  the  value  of  which  no  political  or  agricultural 
economist  can  appreciate  till  he  comes  to  pay  for  one  or  two 
at  Moon's)  served  up  in  every  conceivable  form  except  the 
most  difficult  and  best  one,  properly  boiled.  But  why  dwell 
on  details  when  the  grand  total  looms  up  before  you?  Some 
one  has  written  a  book  entitled,  "  Who  breaks,  pays ;"  a 
chapter  on  Moon's  should  be  headed,  "Who  pays,  breaks." 

But  very  little  grief  comes  to  me  now-a-days  from  any 
indiscretion  of  this  kind.  Some  time  since  I  determined  to 
do  business  on  strict  business  principles.  The  sum  of  strict 
business  principle  seems  to  be  to  pay  nothing  that  cannot  be 
proved  against  you,  and  just  as  little  as  possible  of  what  can. 
But  I  have  observed  that  it  is  well  at  times  to  be  first  in  the 


192  A  RISING  MOON. 

field  and  assume  to  be  anxious.  If  a  bill  is  presented  to 
any  party  you've  been  sitting  with,  for  drinks,  cigars,  and  the 
other  necessaries  of  life,  jump  up  at  once  and  feel  for  change, 
declaring  your  intention  of  paying  it.  Instantly  a  dozen 
other  fellows  who  had  not  moved  until  then  will  jump  for- 
ward and  insist  on  being  allowed  the  privilege,  and  you  can 
retire  with  credit,  like  a  cuttle-fish  in  the  cloud  of  his  own 
raising. 

This  is  the  world  wisdom  of  an  old  campaigner.  In  early 
life  I  have  not  infrequently  led  a  forlorn  hope,  rushing  in  to 
pay  the  demnition  total  of  a  bill  in  which  I  had  very  little 
concern  when  there  seemed  not  the  ghost  of  a  chance  that  I 
would  be  permitted  to  do  it,  so  many  present  were  so  much 
better  entitled  to  the  preeminence  beside  having  their  money 
ready  in  their  hands,  but  somehow  all  competition  would 
suddenly  cease  on  these  occasions,  and  I  was  permitted  to 
carry  out  my  diabolical  design  without  hinderance. 

But,  to  return  to  Moon's.  If  you  spared  not  the  frog's 
hind  quarters,  there  is  a  poetic  justice  in  Moon's  taking  your 
last  ones.  Your  revenge  can  only  come  when  you  get  this 
Moon  down  to  his  last  quarter,  and  that  time  seems  far  dis- 
tant from  the  present  showing.  At  present  'tis  a  rising 
Moon,  the  prices  of  each  succeeding  year  being  higher  than 
the  previous  one.  And  there  is  little  escape  from  having 
your  pocket-book  ripped  open  by  this  Moon's  horns  if  you 
visit  the  Lake  region.  Drive  beyond  him  on  the  hither  side 
of  the  Lake  and  you  fetch  up  at  a  house  kept  by  one  of  his 
sons;  drive  over  on  the  other  side  and  you  meet  Myers. 
There  is  no  collusion  between  Moon's  and  the  house  across 
the  Lake.     On  the  other  hand,  there  is  a  bitter  rivalry. 

So  you  may  understand  the  position  that  Mr.  Jeams  put 
himself  in  when  he  got  mixed  at  Myers'  and  went  on 
addressing  Mrs.  Myers  as  Mrs.  Moon.  After  she  had  finally 
convinced  him  with  a  stout  hickory  broom  handle  that  she 
was  not  Mrs.  Moon,  he  started  off,  and  on  the  way  home 
stopped  at  Moon's.  Here,  remembering  the  trouble  that 
had   come  upon  him  in   consequence  of  his  mistake,  and 


MR.  JEAMS  IS  MOON-STRUCK.  I93 

determined  to  be  right  about  it  for  the  rest  of  the  day,  he 
took  particular  care  to  address  Mrs.  Moon  every  time  as  Mrs. 
Myers.  The  Moon  stood  it  for  a  while,  but  at  last  she  rose 
on  Mr.  Jeams  with  a  rolling-pin  that  made  him  see  stars. 
You  won't  ever  catch  him  traveling  very  far  now  to  get  a 
'clipse  of  the  Moon. 

With  all  these  houses  around,  you  will  understand  how  one 
can  get  stuck  as  deep  in  the  Myer  on  one  side  of  the  lake  as 
he  can  in  the  mud  on  the  other.  And  now  let  the  minions 
of  the  Moon  go  for  me.  I  shall  be  beyond  their  reach  when 
this  writing  meets  their  eyes.  'Tis  another  business  princi- 
ple of  mine  never  to  touch  off  powder  till  I'm  well  out  of  the 
way  of  the  sticks,  stones,  and  things  that  are  likely  to  fly. 


13 


CHAPTEK  XXYIII. 

THE  TETJE  STOKT  OF  A  MAN  WHOSE  ANXIETY  TO  GET  m  WAS  ONLY 
EQUALED  BY  HIS  SUBSEQUENT  DESIKE  TO  GET  OUT. 

a  ll/TY   name's   Harrington,  and  you've   got  my  money, 
J-lL  don't  you  see?     Now,  you  just  let  me  in,  and  I'll 
get  one  of  your  rooms,  and  then  it'll  be  all  right.     That'll  be 
a  square  sort  of  a  deal,  don't  you  see  ?" 

"  You  shust  go  way  mit  your  tarn  noise  and  comes  on  te 
morning,  ven  you  gets  your  seex  sheelans  pack.  But  you 
not  can  get  in  dis  nicht." 

This  discussion,  carried  on  by  loud  voices  across  the  way 
— directly  opposite  our  windows,  of  course — naturally  enough 
roused  an  Abou  Ben  Adhem  about  my  size  and  weight  from 
a  deep  dream  of  peace.  But  we've  become  so  accustomed  to 
this  sort  of  thing  now  that  we  like  it  rather  than  otherwise. 
Indeed,  it  is  questionable  whether  we  could  get  a  sleep  that 
would  make  us  feel  refreshed  in  the  morning  if  we  were  not 
woke  up  two  or  three  times  during  the  night.  So,  slipping 
out  of  bed,  I  seated  myself  in  a  wash-bowl,  which  that  myste- 
rious Providence  that  rules  our  ends  had  ordained  should  be 
left  on  the  window-sill,  and  prepared  to  enjoy  the  fire-works, 
so  plainly  inevitable,  at  leisure. 

"  My  name's  Harrington,  and  it's  down  on  your  books,  and 
you've  got  my  seventy -five  cents  for  a  room,  don't  you  see  ? 
Now,  you  just  let  me  in,  and  I'll  get  that  room,  and  that'll 
make  it  all  right.  Eh?  You've  got  my  money  then,  and 
I've  got  a  room.  Eh  ?  That'll  be  a  square  deal,  and  you'll 
be  a  square  Dutchman,  don't  you  see  ?" 

194 


•'  r  \\'.\  \T   Id  <()Mi';  IN. 


MR.  HARRINGTON  SAILS  IN.  I95 

The  tones  were  sharp  and  incisive,  and  the  argument  was 
logical ;  clearer  reasoning  at  that  hour  of  the  night  I  never 
remember  to  have  heard,  and  Mr.  Harrington  seemed  consid- 
erably interested  in  carrying  his  point.  So  I  waited  events. 
But  no  response  came  from  the  party  of  the  second  part, 
whose  nightcapped  head  protruded  from  a  second-story  win- 
dow, other  than  a  general  rejoinder  to  the  effect  that  it  was 
then  one  o'clock ;  that  he  could  not  get  in  that  night,  but 
could  next  morning,  when  his  six  shillings  would  be  returned 
to  him ;  and  that  the  noise  he  made  was  unseemly  at  such  an 
hour. 

Mr.  Harrington  now  proceeded  to  provide  himself  with  a 
cart-rung,  next  proceeding  to  improvise  a  devil's  tattoo,  or 
rather  a  demoniac  reveille,  on  the  door-panels,  that  threatened 
to  bring  all  in  the  neighborhood  out  for  a  sort  of  undress 
parade.  Finding  a^'ing  ineffectual,  he  evidently  thought  he'd 
t*JF-«r  rung,  you  see.  It  worked  like  a  charm,  so  far  as 
brinirin<>:  the  Dutchman  down  w^as  concerned :  for  before  his 
overture  in  that  particularly  major  key  ("I^^'  which  in  this 
«ftf«e  may  be  supposed  to  stand  for  door-key)  was  more  than 
fairly  begun,  the  window  upstairs  very  liastily  shut,  while 
the  door  below  almost  simultaneously  opened,  and  with  a 
chuckle  of  satisfaction  Mr,  Harrington  step])ed  in, 

"Whack — whack — whack.  Scarcely  had  the  door  closed  on 
Mr.  Harrington's  towering  and  triumphant  form  when  there 
was  Ijornc  to  our  ears  the  sound  of  rapidly  falling  blows,  with 
just  an  appreciable  interval  of  time  between  each  lick.  If 
ever  you've  been  where  revolving  hammers  were  at  Mork, 
you'll  understand  exactly  wliat  I  mean. 

"  Don't,  oh,  don't ;  let  me  out,  I  say  ;  that's  a  good  Dutch- 
man ;  don't,  oh,  don't,  I  say.  My  name's  Harrington,  but  I 
guess  it  aint  down  on  your  books,  and  T  don't  want  to  get 
to  stay  here  to-night.     Let  me  out ;  oh-h-h,  do-o-n-n't,  I  say," 

In  a  minute  or  two  the  door  opened,  and  Mr,  llan-ington 
shot  into  the  middle  of  the  street,  propelled  by  a  ponderous 
boot.  A  parting  benediction  in  Dutch,  spoken  sotto  voce,  for 
fear  of  disturbing  the  neighbors,  followed  on  his  heels,  and 


19G  MR.  HARRINGTON  SAILS  OUT. 

the  door  closed  again.  Straiglileniiig  himself  up  with  that 
dignity  common  both  to  men  who  rise  superior  to  misfortune 
and  to  men  who  are  drunk,  Mr.  Harrington  soliloquized  as 
follows : — 

"Well,  ^1' be  Dee  Deed!  My  name's  Harrington,  and 
it's  down  on  his  books,  and  he's  got  my  money,  and  this  is 
what  I've  got.     Well,  I'll  be  Dee  Deed." 

Kobody  came  to  contradict  this  positive  assertion  regarding 
his  hereafter,  but  standing  there  in  the  moonlight,  with  arms 
akimbo,  he  went  on  soliloquizing  as  long  as  I  sat  up,  only 
varying  the  form  of  his  apostrophe  when  he  stopped  to  inform 
some  casual  passer-by  that  he'd  "  bounce  that  Dutchman  in 
the  morning." 

I  record  this  little  incident  for  a  number  of  reasons : — 
First,  to  illustrate  how  true  it  is  that  "man  never  is  but 
always  to  be  blest,"  to  show  how  little  satisfied  he  is  apt  to 
be  even  when  his  end  is  compassed,  Mr.  Harrington's  anxi- 
ety to  get  in,  you  observe,  was  only  equaled  by  his  ambition 
to  get  out  after  the  first  wish  came  to  fruition,  and  still,  even 
when  he  stood  in  the  street  with  botli  aspirations  gratified — 
in  rapid  succession  at  that — he  seemed  far  from  satisfied,  by 
no  means  the  wearer  of  the  happy  man's  shirt.  And  he 
immediately  proceeded  to  plant  his  stake  in  the  future,  look- 
ing for  happiness  to  the  by  no  means  flattering  prospect  of 
"  bouncing  the  Dutchman  in  the  morning." 

Looking  at  this  occurrence  philosophically,  as  typical  of 
human  existence,  perhaps  you  will  agree  with  me  that  life 
is  in  great  part  made  up  of  gettings-in  and  gettings-out,  and 
wanting  to  bounce  those  who  get  the  best  of  us  at  it.  Every 
one  gets  bounced  in  turn — beyond  a  doubt  some  one  will 
happen  along  some  day  and  bounce  Mr.  Harrington's  Dutch- 
man, but  probably  that  some  one  won't  be  Mr.  Harrington — 
and  this  being  the  way  of  it,  isn't  it  better  to  sit  one's  sore 
bones  quietly  down  on  the  cool  pavement  and  trust  to  the 
whirligig  of  time  for  revenges,  rather  than  to  stand  swearing 
in  the  pale  moonlight,  looking  up  at  second-story  windows, 
and  all  agog  to  bounce  some  burly  bouncer  who,  fortunately 
for  us,  perhaps,  is  beyond  reach  ? 


A  CALL  FOR  THE  POLICE.  197 

Second,  I  "wisli  to  gnggest  to  Saratoga  tlie  desirability  of 
some  attempt  at  a  police.  In  the  immediate  vicinity  of  the 
hotels — take  Congress  Street,  on  which  I  have  the  pleasure  of 
looking  out,  for  instance — there  is  at  all  hours  of  night  an 
aggregate  of  noise  in  the  air  which  would  put  the  worst  ward 
in  your  city  to  its  trumps  in  an  attempt  to  equal.  Loafers  and 
drunken  varlets  of  all  sorts,  who  clothe  themselves  with  curses 
in  a  deficiency  of  other  garments,  perhaps,  seem  to  take  pos- 
session of  the  streets  and  hold  it  till  morning,  making  sleep 
impossible  to  all  within  hearing — say  within  the  radius  of  a 
mile.  Certainly  it  would  not  cost  a  very  gigantic  sum  to 
maintain  a  police  sufUcient  to  enforce  some  quiet  and  order, 
or  to  drown  excessively  noisy  individuals,  if  necessary,  in  the 
nearest  spring- 
In  the  main,  I'm  not  vindictive,  but  I  must  confess  to  a 
pious  satisfaction  in  simply  seeing,  or  rather  hearing,  Mr. 
Harrington  clubbed.  To  have  done  the  clubbing  myself  (pro- 
vided it  were  attended  with  little  personal  discomfort  and  no 
danger  at  all,)  I'd  have  given — not  an  eye,  perhaps,  but  cer- 
tainly a  tooth,  a  wisdom  tooth  at  that,  one  which,  after 
inflicting  upon  me  all  the  wretchedness  which  invariably 
comes  with  every  accession  of  Misdoni,  now  quietly  reposes, 
along  with  keys  that  won't  tit  anything,  M'orn-out  hair-pins, 
crooked  carpet  tacks,  and  other  sundries  of  no  value  to  any 
one  except  the  owner,  in  a  bureau  drawer,  where  it  can't  hurt 
even  him.  Saratoga  must  put  its  shoulder  to  the  wheel  in 
some  things,  and  not  rely  wholly  on  "  the  waters"  for  turn- 
ing it,  or  those  who  now  come  here  under  protest  will  not 
come  at  all. 

When  I  state  that  availing  one's  self  of  the  pleasant  drives 
about  Saratoga  is  made  a  perilous  pleasure  by  the  state  of 
the  bridges,  I  state  a  fact  the  shamefulness  of  which  is  only 
equaled  by  its  truth.  Fault-finding  is  not  my  forte,  and  I 
had  muoh  rather  praise  ;  but  looking  for  some  show  of  pub- 
lic spirit  in  Saratr»ga  to  mention,  1  can  only  say  that  I  do 
believe  they  bury  their  dead. 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 


COMMODOEE   VANDEEBILT   AS  A   DANGEROUS   INVALID  AND  WHAT 

AILED  HIM. 


0 


NE  night  while  the  skeleton  hand  of  Time  on  the  dial  of 
that  remarkable  clock  in  the  Grand  Union  office  was 
indicating  1  in  the  morning,  the  real  hour  being  11:30  of  the 
night,  a  telegram  from  The  Great  Moral  Organ  office,  stat- 
ing that  it  was  rumored  in  New  York  that  Commodore  Yan- 
derbilt  was  dying,  and  requesting  me  to  ascertain  if  such 
was  the  fact,  roused  me  from  a  blissful  slumber,  superin- 
duced by  the  third  reading  of  one  of  my  own  articles,  and 
sent  me  out  into  the  night.  Meeting  several  disconsolate 
looking  gentlemen  whom  I  knew  as  concomitants  of  the 
Commodore,  I  inquired  was  he  dying  ?  M-as  he  sick  ?  was 
he  "  dangerous  ?  " 

They  replied  that  they  had  found  him  decidedly  "  danger- 
ous" that  evening,  as  there  was  not  a  dollar  left  among  them. 
Since  eight  o'clock  they  had  been  playing  "  point  euchre " 
with  the  Commodore  and  had  just  left  the  card-table;  if 
dying  now,  they  felt  pretty  certain  that  he'd  go  to  heaven 
prepared  to  order  it  up  and  play  it  alone  every  time  if  he 
held  the  same  hand  as  when  they  left  him.  If  he  was  a  sick 
man,  they  never  wished  to  play  again  with  an  invalid.  So 
I  telegraphed  the  substance  of  the  conversation  and  went 
back  to  bed. 

Next  day  I  saw  that  stocks  went  off.  And  if  any  one 
wishes  to  make  me  believe  that  this  was  in  consequence  of  a 

198 


WHAT  I  BELIEVED  IN  MY  INNOCENCE.  199 

general  belief  in  the  Commodore's  critical  illness,  that  man 
will  have  to  start  in  very  early  in  the  morning  and  talk  to 
me  pretty  well  along  into  the  night — until  I  give  in  from 
sheer  exhanstion,  in  fact. 

That  these  stories  are  started  by  the  "  bears  "  is  a  very 
ingenious  theory,  but  focus  it  down  under  a  powerful  glass 
and  you  will  find  it  remarkably  thin.  If  stocks  showed  a 
disposition  to  slide  off  without  any  excuse  for  it,  small  hold- 
ers would  sell  and  save  themselves.  But  just  start  some 
rumor — some  absurd  story  that  carries  falsehood  on  its  face 
— and  the  innocent  believer  in  the  great  future  of  the  coun- 
try and  himself  will  hang  on  to  his  holdings  till  they  go  down 
considerably  below  the  center  of  gravity,  in  the  confident 
conclusion,  begotten  of  the  inductive  process  of  reasoning, 
that  when  the  story  is  disproved — as  it  must  be  on  the  mor- 
row— his  stocks  will  go  up  again  to  unprecedented  figures. 

There  was  a  time  when  I  believed  that  "  Jay  Gould  "  was 
always  selling,  and  that  the  "  Yanderbilt  party"  did  nothing 
but  buy.  But  at  this  bald-headed  period  of  my  existence  I 
retire  at  times  into  the  depths  of  my  inner  consciousness, 
to  ask  where  all  the  long  stock  comes  from.  For  instance, 
if  Gould  and  his  myrmidons  did  nothing  but  sell  Western 
Union  stock  of  which  they  were  not  the  proud  possessors, 
and  the  Commodore  and  his  friends  did  nothing  but  buy, 
large  as  the  stock  of  that  company  is,  in  the  course  of  a 
year  or  two  there'd  be  a  scarcity  of  it.  But  there  gener- 
ally seems  enough  of  them  all  to  go  round,  unless  a  "  corner  " 
is  developed,  and  then  the  result  invariably  is  that  those  who 
enirinecr  it  cet  hoisted  worst  of  all.  I  have  an  ardent  admira- 
tion  for  Commodore  Yanderbilt  and  those  who  are  in  his 
close  confidence,  but  I  do  think  that  occasionally  they  all  of 
them  are  \yilling  to  spare  a  few  of  their  securities  to  friends. 

''  Points  "  are  good  in  their  way,  but  in  the  everyday  busi- 
ness of  life  one  business  man  docs  not  urge  another  to  buy  a 
tiling  unless  he  has  some  of  it  to  sell.  My  astonishment  has 
Keen  moved  on  several  occasions  when  I  discovered  that  the 
great  operators  of  Wall  Street  never  let  on  about  the  value  of 
a  stock  till  it  has  gone  up  ten  or  twenty  per  cent.,  and  is  sell- 


200  WHAT  I  DON'T  BELIEVE  NOW. 

ing  somewhere  near  what  it's  worth.  There  is  no  reason, 
however,  that  they  should  do  other  than  they  do,  if  you  sit 
down  and  study  human  nature  by  the  light  of  a  tallow  can- 
dle for  a  minute  or  two.  "Who  supposes,  for  instance,  that 
Commodore  Vanderbilt,  or  Mr.  John  Tracy,  or  Mr.  Russell 
Sage,  or  Jay  Gould,  started  out  in  life  with  the  laudable  aim 
of  making  all  of  their  friends  rich  and  ending  their  own 
existences  in  respectable  poor-houses  ?  But  if  they  each  and 
all  told  their  friends  when  they  bought  stocks,  and  also  con- 
fided to  them  the  precise  time  at  which  they  thought  it  best 
to  begin  selling,  other  men  than  themselves  would  be  riding 
in  their  carriages  now.  You  can  just  bet,  for  instance,  that  I 
wouldn't  be  walking.  Great  complaint  is  made  because  these 
noble  and  unselfish  operators  "  sell  out  on  their  friends  " — 
but  on  whom  else  could  they  sell  out  ?  who  else  could  be 
persuaded  to  buy  ? 

Mr.  Kussell  Sage,  to  point  my  meaning  exactly,  would  find 
it  rather  difficult  to  get  Commodore  Yanderbilt  to  buy  much 
St.  Paul  Common  above  sixty  ;  their  intimacy  does  not  stand 
upon  that  basis  nor  cipher  up  to  that  exact  figure.  But  a 
friend  who  was  starting  for  Europe  on  a  pleasure  trip,  and 
who  had  a  praiseworthy  ambition  to  make  his  expenses  by  a 
flyer  in  speculation,  might  very  easily  be  tempted  to  invest. 
They  are  nice  men — these  railway  magnates — all  of  them, 
unselfish  in  motive  and  honest  in  purpose,  and  I'd  trust  any 
one  of  them  in  the  room  where  I  keep  my  greenbacks,  with- 
out counting  the  money,  if  I  knew  how  much  there  was  in 
the  chest  and  were  sitting  down  on  it  with  symptoms  of 
small-pox  visible  about  me.  But  for  all  my  confidence  in 
them,  I'm  not  swift  to  act  on  the  friendly  hints  they  drop — 
not  so  swift  as  formerly,  I  mean.  For  I  notice  they're  all 
rich,  and  yet  I  never  knew  them  to  do  any  work  beyond  buy- 
ing and  selling  the  property,  with  the  control  of  which  they 
have  contrived  to  become  intrusted. 

Were  I  parabolically  inclined  I  could  here  to  you  a  para- 
ble relate  of  a  certain  man  who  went  down  to  Jericho  and 
fell  among  thieves,  who  robbed  him  of  his  money  and  took 
from  him  his  clothing,  all  but  his  shirt.     And  fellows  from 


SPEAKING  IN  PARABLES.  201 

Jericho  proper  and  the  suburbs  went  whistling  by  him, 
intent  on  minding  their  own  business,  and  not  caring  much 
whether  school  kept  or  not ;  but  one  chap  crossed  over  and 
said  he  was  a  Good  Samaritan,  whereupon  the  unfortunate 
wayfarer  told  his  sad  story,  which  the  Good  Samaritan  heard 
throuo-h  with  tears,  remarking  at  its  close,  in  sympathetic 

tones : — 

"  And  they  left  you  nothing  but  your  shirt  ? "  adding, 
when  assured  that  this  was  about  the  size  of  it,  "  Then  I 
guess  I'll  take  that,"  and  immediately  started  off  for  Joppa 

with  it. 

And  there  was  another  certain,  or  perhaps  I  should  say 
uncertain,  man,  who  was  possessed  of  several  unclean  stocks, 
and  who  cleaned  himself  of  them  on  the  advice  of  a  great 
and  good  railroad  president  of  the  period,  loading  himself  up 
instead  with  the  stock  which  this  great  and  good  railroad 
president  was  supposed  to  manipulate  and  control.  And 
verily,  if  you  will  believe  me,  the  last  state  of  that  man  was 
worse  than  the  first,  and  far  better  would  it  have  been  for 
him  had  he  held  manfully  on  to  his  original  seven  devils,  for 
the  last  one  was  the  worst  in  the  deck,  and  didn't  leave  hide, 
hoof,  or  hair  of  the  poor  fellow  who  went  long  of  him  ! 

There  is  a  deal  said  of  the  difference  between  these  railway 
men,  but  consider  them  botanically,  and  you'll  find  that  a 
streak  of  pretty  much  the  same  muchness  runs  through  them 
— that  they're  all  tarred  with  the  same  stick.  Jay  Gould 
robs  the  Erie  road  by  taking  the  money  in  one  way  on  some 
pretext ;  Horace  Clark  gets  control  of  Lake  Shore  and  at 
once  declares  a  scrip  dividend  of  ten  million  dollars  to  be 
divided  between  himself  and  his  friends,  immediately  after 
bonding  the  road  for  six  million  dollars  on  top  of  its  old 
bonded  indebtedness,  to  complete  necessary  improvements. 
What  odds  does  it  make  whether  you  take  money  out  of 
stockholders'  pockets  direct,  or  sit  a  few  rods  off  and  prim]) 
it  out  l)y  an  ingenious  application  of  levers  and  the  Achim- 
edean  screw,  so  long  as  you  get  it  and  leave  them  dry? 

Some  day  this  will  all  be  changed,  perhaps.  Those  who  run 
railroads  may  come  to  run  them  in  the  interest  of  the  prop- 


202  NONE  OF  THIS  FOR  ME. 

erty,  and  not  in  that  of  their  individual  stock  speculations ; 
but  my  hope  is  that  the  baby  just  born  may  live  to  see  that 
day,  and  that  no  more  may  be  born  in  the  interval.  A  ful- 
fillment of  this  hope  would  assure  me  some  chance  to  sleep 
in  this  house  o'  nights,  and  guarantee  one  baby  a  good  living 
at  the  least.  In  the  interim,  as  there  seems  to  be  no  prospect 
of  a  law  ever  being  enacted  which  shall  forbid  the  officers 
of  railM'^ay  corporations  from  playing  with  shares  and  shoving 
them  about  the  board  as  though  they  were  but  poker  chips, 
and  represented  no  intrinsic  values,  if  the  general  public 
would  but  withdraw  from  a  game  in  which  all  the  throwing 
is  done  by  one  side,  and  by  the  side  that  makes  the  boxes 
and  loads  the  dice  at  that,  permitting  the  various  presidents 
and  directors  to  thimble-rig  entirely  among  themselves,  the 
evil  would  soon  bo  remedied.  They  would  soon  tire  of  build- 
ing unnecessary  additions  to  a  road  and  paying  themselves  in 
stock  of  the  road  at  enormous  individual  profit  if  they  had 
no  one  to  sell  that  stock  to. 

For  my  part,  I've  made  up  my  mind  to  play  no  game 
where  I  myself  can't  get  a  shufile,  cut,  and  deal  occasionally, 
and  ring  for  new  cards,  if  a  suspicion  crosses  me  that  there's 
something  wrong  about  the  old  pack.  But  let  this  justice 
be  done  to  the  Commodore ;  his  efforts  liave  always  been 
directed  to  the  appreciation  of  the  property  he  represents, 
never  to  its  depreciation.  The  consequence  is  that  a  rumor 
of  his  death  causes  a  drop  in  the  shares  with  which  he  is 
connected.  And  of  what  other  railway  president  or  director 
can  this  be  said  ?  Running  over  the  list  hurriedly,  I  cannot 
think  of  a  single  one — not  a  prominent  name  occurs  to  me 
the  blotting  out  of  which  would  not  be  beneficial  to  the 
property  represented.  Should  a  kind  Providence  reach  for 
Tracy  or  snatch  Sage  from  his  sphere  of  earthly  usefulness, 
do  you  not  think  that  Rock  Island  would  become  a  rocket, 
and  St.  Paul  take  rank  among  the  elect  ? 

Sometimes  "  the  waters  "  work  this  way  on  me,  and  I  write 
square  facts  from  Saratoga,  instead  of  standing  on  my  head 
and  exhibiting  my  iron  pan  for  the  popular  amusement. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

WHICH    IS   MERELY  AN  ENDEAVOR  TO  PAY  A  MODEST   TRIBUTE   TO 

HONEST  WORTH. 

PASSING  Congress  Hall  last  Sunday,  I  noticed  Daniel 
Drew,  that  fine  old 

"  Pagan,  suckled  on  a  creed  outworn," 

sitting  on  the  piazza.  I  like  Daniel.  There  is  a  methodism 
in  his  madness  that  pleases  me.  He  is  one  of  the  few  men 
on  whom  you  can  rely  wlien  they  give  you  points.  Some 
men  are  remarkably  uncertain  but  w^hen  Daniel  tells  you  a 
thing  you  may  depend  that  it  isn't  so.  The  church  bells 
were  ringing,  and  the  devout  were  hastening  to  their  respect- 
ive pews,  anxious  to  get  the  customary  nap  well  over 
before  the  services  ended.  But  Daniel  ioinednot  the  tlironsr. 
There  was  a  look  of  thought  on  his  weazened,  wrinkled  face, 
and  I  wondered  what  was  the  subject  of  his  self-communings. 
An  additional  ell  to  the  "  Institoot "  at  Madison,  or  some 
gigantic  C0WJ9  in  the  street  ?  On  this  quiet  Sunday  morning 
what  was  uppermost,  in  the  old  man's  mind,  think  you,  God 
or  Mammon  ?  Possibly,  gammon.  Came  he  here  to  purge 
himself  clear  of  "  Quicksilver,"  or  get  "  Waybosh  "  out  of  his 
blood  ?  I  am  told  he  shuddered  wlien  tlio  room  clerk  pro- 
j)0sed  to  put  him  in  a  "  North-West  Corner,"  and  turned 
ap])ealingly  to  Southgatc  for  an  apartment  in  that  wing.  All 
he  wanted,  he  said,  was  a  little  a-crio,  and  he  was  willing  to 
bury  all  old  issues. 

Oh,  Daniel,  Daniel  !  tliough  many  a  time  and  oft  the  thread 
of  my  financial  plans  has  been  severed  by  those  fatal "  sheers  " 

203 


204:  A  TRIBUTE  TO  DANIEL. 

of  yours  (only  comparable  to  the  ones  of  Atropos,)  still  is  my 
pity  stirred  in  your  behalf.  Trembling  on  the  edge  of  the 
tomb,  and  liable  to  topple  over  into  it  ere  your  mercury  rises 
much,  my  prayer  is  that  the  Quicksilver  which  you  will 
undoubtedly  carry  with  you  may  not  then  go  up  so  suddenly 
as  to  be  wholly  beyond  your  control.  For,  if  you  could  not 
succeed  in  keeping  it  down  occasionally,  what  an  unhappy 
demon  you  would  be. 

Oh,  Daniel,  Daniel!  in  the  red  dies  ircB  which  flares  for  us 
all  in  the  future,  will  it  not  be  better  for  the  far-seeing  Fee- 
jeean  who  salted  down  a  lean  missionary  against  a  coming  fam- 
ine, than  for  thee  who  so  often  hast  salted  the  pillars  of  thy 
church,  plastered  the  preachers  in  their  xgyj  pulpits,  so  to 
speak,  with  "  s'cureties,"  which  in  the  end  proved  ashen  and 
unsatisfactory  as  the  apples  of  Sodom  ?  But  sit  you  there  in 
the  door  of  Congress  Hall,  with  that  kindly  eye  and  enticing 
smile  which  did  once  beguile  my  youthful  fancy,  my  Daniel ; 
sit  you  there  so  long  as  you  please,  but  your  wrinkles  will 
multiply  beyond  the  power  of  figures  to  compute  if  you  wait 
for  me  to  come  within  reach  of  your  feelers.  Possibly,  in 
the  world  whither  we  are  both  hastening — you  with  a  start, 
which  in  this  case  I'jn  willing  you  should  have — possibly  in 
that  world  you  may  tempt  me  to  fly  across  the  gulf  and 
exchange  the  "  crown  upon  my  forehead,  and  the  harp  with- 
in my  hand  "  for  a  few  of  the  miscellaneous  securities  which 
you  Avill  probably  take  along ;  but  on  earth  you  get  me  by 
the  gills  never  again. 

Last  summer  I  tuned  up  my  earthly  harp  in  Daniel's  com- 
memoration, and  thus  the  strings  did  vibrate. 

"THE  LAY  OF  THE  LABORER." 

It  was  a  long  lank  Jerseyman, 
And  he  stoppeth  one  of  two  : 
"  I  aint  acquaint  in  these  here  parts ; 
I'm  lookin'  for  Dan'l  Drew. 

I'm  a  lab'rer  in  the  Vinnard; 
My  eallin'  I  pursue 
At  the  Institoot  at  Madison 
That  was  built  by  Dan'l  Drew. 


THE  LAY  OF  THE  LABORER."  205 

I'm  a  lab'rer  in  the  Vinnard; 

My  worldly  wants  are  few  ; 

But  I  want  some  pints  on  these  here  sheers — 

I'ai  a  lookin'  for  Dan'l  Drew." 

Again  I  saw  that  Laborer, 
Comer  of  Wall  and  New  ; 
He  was  looking  for  a  ferry-boat 
And  not  for  Daniel  Drew. 

Upon  his  back  he  wore  a  sack 
Inscribed,  "  Preferred  Qu."  * 
Some  "  Canton  "  scrip  was  in  his  grip — 
A  little  "  Wabash  "  too. 

He  plain  was  "  long"  of  much  "  R.  I."— 
Xot  "  short "  of  Bourbon  new. 
There  was  never  another  laborer 
Got  just  such  "  pints"  from  Drew. 

At  the  ferry  gate  I  saw  him  late, 

His  white  cravat  askew, 

A  paying  his  fare  with  a  registered  share 

Of  that  "  Preferred  Qu." 

And  these  words  came  back,  from  the  Hackensack, 

"  If  you  want  to  gamble  a  few, 

Just  get  in  your  paw,  at  a  game  of  Draw, 

But  don't  take  a  hand  at  Drew  !" 


•  If  the  reader  will  pronounce  "Qu."  qeue-you,  he  will  preserve  the  rhythm 
and  confer  a  favor  on  the  author. 


CHAPTEE  XXXI. 

A   LAY   OF   LADIES   LOVE   AND   DKU-EKIE. 

THE  following  verses  were  written  in  1868,  when  the 
contests  between  the  revered  Mr.  Drew  and  Commodore 
Yanderbilt  for  the  control  of  the  Erie  Railroad,  and  between 
the  Rev.  Drs.  Tyng,  Stnbbs,  and  Boggs,  for  the  control  of 
the  Episcopalian  Church,  were  at  their  height.  They  never 
riveted  the  public  attention  so  firmly  as  one  of  my  aunts 
thought  they  should,  and  I  seize  the  present  opportunity  of 
giving  them  another  show  for  it. 

VORATIUS. 

Cornelius,  the  Great  Cornerer, 

A  solemn  oath  he  swore, 
That  in  his  trowsers  pockets  he 

Would  put  one  railroad  more : 
And  when  he  swears,  he  means  it — 

The  stout  old  Commodore. 

Words  have  a  certain  weightinesa 

That  strikes  one  of  a  heap, 
When  dropped  by  men  whose  early  home 

Has  been  upon  the  deep — 
With  so  much  saltness  in  their  speech. 

Their  oaths  are  sure  to  keep. 

It  serves  him  ■well,  the  Commodore, 

His  battling  with  the  breeze : 
Knowing  the  ropes,  he  takes  and  swings 

The  biggest  Line  with  ease — 
As  one  should  do  who  all  his  life 

Has  been  upon  the  Seize. 

206 


VORATIUS.  207 

Not  following  now  the  seas,  instead 

You  see  him  behind  Bays  ; 
'Tis  said  he  always  holds  a  pair ; 

And  no  one  him  gainsays — 
Being  on  stocks,  'tis  plain  that  he 

Must  have  his  way  and  Ways. 

Each,  every  inch  a  railroad  man. 

In  not  a  line  awry, 
His  arms  are  railway  branches. 

His  feet  are  termini — 
If  you  doubt  me,  there  are  his  tracks 

To  witness  if  I  lie ! 

He  was  the  Hudson  River's  bed. 

The  Harlem's  bed  and  Board ; 
The  Central's,  too — whose  cattle-pen 

Is  stronger  than  a  sword : 
His  pockets  were  the  tunnels 

Through  which  these  railways  roared. 

Such  share  of  shares  were  quite  enough 

To  serve  a  common  mind, 
But  not  the  stout  old  Commodore's — 

He  for  an  Eyrie  pined: 
As  though  he  were  the  Eagle  bird — 

By  chance — or  had  the  Blind. 

But  brooding  o'er  the  Erie  sat — 

A  brother  bird  of  pray, 
A  bird  that,  feathering  his  nest, 

Affirmed  by  yea  and  nay, 
Before  he'd  budge  he'd  see  them  all, 

Much  further  than  I'll  say. 

Said  he  unto  the  Commodore : 

"  Your  bark  is  on  the  sea, 
But  do  not  steer  for  Erie's  ile, 

Since  that's  been  struck  by  me. 
Go,  man  of  sin,  and  leave  me  here 

To  my  Theology!" 

The  dearest  ties  on  earth  to  some 

Are  plainly  railroad  ties ; 
So  little  wonder  that  lie  spoke  ' 

In  anger  ami  surprise — 
Tears  would  not  flow ;  the  Commodore, 

It  seems,  had  dammed  his  eyes. 


208  VORATIUS. 


"When  Greek  meets  Greek,  then  comes  the  tug — " 

Which  is  all  wrong  you  know ; 
Unfriendly  fires  burn  fast  enough 

Without  the  help  of  tow, 
Especially  when  Coke  is  on, 

And  several  lawyers  blow. 

Such  "Eerie"  sights,  such  "Eerie"  sounds 

Came  from  this  Erie  crew, 
It  seemed,  indeed,  a  den  of  Lines 

Prepared  for  Daniel — Drew  ! 
Not  strange  that  he  at  last  resolved 

To  make  his  own  ado. 

Fleeing  from  jars — perhaps  the  jug — 

He  looked  to  foreign  lands, 
And  to  his  brethren  said : — "  Arise, 

These  Bonds  put  off  our  hands ; 
We  will  into  New  Jersey,  where 

My  Seminary  stands. 

"  There,  in  that  benefice  of  Bogs, 

Of  stocks  and  Stubbs  and  fen, 
Directors — if  not  rectors — we'll 

Be  all  Tyngs  to  all  men — 
They'll  strain  their  canon  some,  I  think, 

If  they  would  reach  us  then ! " 

'Twas  thus  that  Daniel's  bark — and  bite — 

Came  on  the  Jersey  shore : 
He  can  not  cross,  since  in  his  face 

Is  slammed  the  Commodore  : 
There  he  must  bide  his  time  and  tide — 

Tied  till  the  row  is  o'er. 

The  gage  of  war  has  been  thrown  down, 

A  broad-gauge — broad  and  free — 
And  taken  up — the  Commodore, 

A  ganger  is,  per  sea : 
Cries  Drew : — "  He  only  wants  to  get 

The  weather-gage  of  me ! " 

'Tis  plain  that  if,  in  this  tournay — 

A  I'outrance  is  the  tilt — 
The  Commodore  should  keep  his  seat 

And  Daniel  be  the  spilt, 
The  latter  must  make  tracks,  but  roads 

Will  all  be  Vander  built. 


VORATIUS.  209 

TiVhile  if  upon  the  other  hand 

The  Commodore  should  fall, 
He'll  see  that  little  backward  time 

Asked  for  by  Mr.  Ball — 
In  other  words,  he'd  lose  his  age. 

And  Drew  would  have  the  call. 

Just  how  the  joust  may  terminate, 

Nobody  knows  nor  cares ; 
No  need  to  ask  how  fares  the  fight — 

They'll  ask  us  for  our  fares, 
And  whiche'er  side  may  win  will  plow 
The  public  with  its  shares. 

So  we  will  sing,  Long  live  the  Ring, 

And  Daniel  long  live  he, 
May  his  High  school  confer  on  him 

Exceeding  high  degree, 
Doubling  his  D's  until,  indeed, 

HeisD— D.,  D— D! 

As  for  the  stout  old  Commodore 

May  he  still  rule  the  wave. 
Yet  never  waive  the  Golden  Rule, 

E'en  the  odd  trick  to  save: 
If  called  to  play  the  railway  King, 

May  he  ne'er  play  the  knave. 

This  ends  my  lay,  if  either  wins ; 

But  if  they  both  should  fail — 
I  mean  that  if  by  any  chance. 

This  struggle  o'er  a  rail 
Should  end  like  the  Kilkenny  cat's, 

You'll  sec  another  tail. 


14 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 

CHRONICLING   THE    END    OF  A  LIFE  AND   THE   END    OF  A   SUilMEE 
AT  SAKATOGA A  GLANCE  AT  BOTH  ENDS. 

THE  festivities  of  Saratoga  were  rather  rudelj  broken  in 
upon  the  other  evening.  A  gentleman,  who  had  been 
taking  his  usual  afternoon  drive,  dropped  dead  as  he  alighted 
from  his  carriage.  Still,  the  dance  went  on  after  tea,  and  joy- 
was  as  unconfined  as  though  no  coffin-lid  were  to  be  nailed 
down  in  the  morning.  The  prevailing  sentiment  seems  to 
be  that  it  is  unbecoming  of  Death  thus  to  intrude  on  pleas- 
ure places.  People  come  here  to  take  a  new  lease  of  life — 
not  to  forfeit  the  old.  But  it  is  an  unfortunate  fact,  that 
this  gaunt  guest  enters  at  all  doors,  and  frequently  without 
knocking.  You  cannot  even  bar  him  out  from  the  ball-room. 
When  Mrs.  Flamino-o  last  winter  issued  the  cards  for  her 

O 

grand  party.  Death  M^as  certainly  not  among  the  invited 
guests — but  he  came  unbidden,  and  when  the  foreign  Count, 
after  the  second  quadrille,  led  the  youngest  daughter  of  the 
house  to  her  seat,  the  grim  intruder  took  her  hand  without 
asking  the  mother's  leave,  and  whirled  the  poor  girl,  with 
the  music  of  the  dance  yet  floating  in  her  ears,  off  to  the 
silent  halls  where  quadrilles  are  unknown.  But,  after  all, 
there  is  no  reason  why  festivities  should  be  interrupted  at 
one  house  because  a  funeral  cortege  is  moving  from  the  next. 
The  world  has  been  polking  with  the  planets  for  some  thou- 
Bands  of  years,  and  all  the  while  Death  has  made  daily  calls. 
Homilies  on  so  trite  a  subject  are  vain  and  wearisome.  Per- 
haps the  best  way  when  chills  come  over  the  heart,  is  to 
order  more  coals  on  the  fire,  mull  a  pint  of  Madeira,  and  so 
soften  the  terrors  of  the  coming  night. 

210 


HOPS  AND  HOPPERS.  211 

Havino-  said  something  about  death  at  Saratoga,  it  were 
only  fair  to  now  say  something  about  the  dance.  Thus  far 
1  have  not  happened  upon  hops,  and  have  given  balls  the 
go-by  completely.  Yet  they  both  enter  very  Largely  into 
watering-place  life,  and  should  not  be  ignored. 

Hops,  like  the  poor,  we  "have  always  w^ith  ns."  Every 
evening,  and  without  exception,  they  are  well  attended — 
crowded — simply  because  no  admission  fee  is  required.  The 
soul  of  the  young  man  says  to  the  maiden  : — 

""Will  you  come  to  the  hop  that  is  waiting  for  you, 
And  we'll  dance  the  deux  temps  without  paying  a  sou  ?  " 

Enact  a  tariff  of  twenty-five  cents  jper  caput  for  capering, 
and,  depend  upon  it  that  Augustus  would  find  it  "  too  warm 
to  dance,"  and  propose  to  Laura  Matilda  to  sit  on  the  piazza 
and  listen  to  the  dulcet  tones  of  an  accordeon,  played  by  a 
little  girl,  too  difhdeut  to  pass  round  her  ragged  hat  for 
contributions. 

The  balls  are  grander  affairs,  and  it  is  necessary  to  attend 
these  occasionall}',  even  if  it  does  cost  a  dollar  or  two,  if  one 
wants  to  see  who  'tis  brings  all  their  good  clothes  with  them. 
It  would  only  be  the  right  thing,  probably,  for  me  to 
describe  some  of  the  dresses  worn  on  these  occasions,  but  how 
can  I  ?  The  heads  of  the  sweet  creatures  alone  rivet  my 
attention — to  their  bodice  my  eyes  never  rove. 

Last  ball-evening  many  of  the  ladies  had  their  heads 
l)Owdercd.  1  expected  to  hear,  indeed,  that  some  had  theirs 
pulverized  in  the  crush.  As  a  general  thing  I  don't  like 
powder.  A  lady's  head  should  be  a  magazine  of  useful 
knowledge,  undoubtedly,  but  that  is  a  different  thing  from 
being  a  powder  magazine.  Think  of  the  danger  if  the  lady 
haj»pens  to  be  l)ullet-headcd  and  inclined  to  shoot  off'at  a 
tangent!  Dust  can  be  thrown  in  masculine  eyes  in  various 
ways  without  shaking  it  from  the  hair.  I\o ;  I  am  opposed 
t(j  powder  on  several  heads,  and  on  one  head  particularly — 
whose  head  1  will  not  specify,  as  1  do  not  wisli  to  be  blown 
up  by  the  wearer.      But  as  for  head-dresses,  the  most  be- 


212  HEAD  DRESSING  AND  OTHER  DRESSING. 

■witching  one  of  the  season  was  worn  by  a  yonng  friend  of 
mine  last  evening — a  simple  jasmine  blossom  lay  like  a  pearl 
amid  the  shining  braids  of  her  dark  brown  hair.  Oh,  the 
faint,  sweet  smell  of  that  jasmine  flower !  Its  odor  haunted 
my  dreams  that  night — or  rather  the  next  day,  for  the  village 
cock  had  told  his  salutation  to  the  morn  several  times  before 
anybody  thought  of  going  to  bed. 

Speaking  of  hair,  on  a  memorable  night,  lately,  while 
bending  over  the  chair  of  a  lady,  she,  by  a  sudden  turn  of 
her  graceful  head,  switched  her  back  hair  into  my  eye,  ex- 
tinguishing its  light  for  the  time  being.  Unconscious  of  the 
mischief  she  had  done,  but  noticing  afterwards  that  I  held 
my  handkerchief  to  the  optic  in  evident  pain,  she  kindly 
asked  whether  I  had  a  cataract  in  my  eye.  To  which  I 
replied  "No,"  but  that  I  had  just  had  a  waterfall  in  it! 

That's  the  only  joke  I  have  thus  far  distinguished  by  a 
lettering  different  from  the  body  of  the  text.  But  I'm 
proud  of  it ! 

If  you  wish  to  know  my  serious  opinion  as  to  what  women 
should  wear,  after  considerable  deliberation  I  have  deter- 
mined that  corn  is  the  a])propriate  color  for  those  who 
dress  with  an  eye  to  the  maizy.  The  "  Frog  "  does  very  well 
for  hops;  watered  silks  are  not  inappropriate  for  ladies  who 
desire  to  float  gracefully  through  the  dance ;  but  for  those 
who  have  an  ambition  to  stalk  it,  believe  me  there's  nothing 
like  corn. 

Perhaps  you  think  all  of  this  isn't  pretty  funny  ?  Well, 
I  seriously  intended  to  be  funny,  but  an  accident  happened 
last  night  which  made  it  impossible  for  me  to  carry  out  that 
droll  intention. 

I  slipped  up  and  sprained  my  shoulder. 

Had  I  slipped  down,  only  the  lower  part  of  my  body 
would  have  suffered.  Is  it  possible  for  a  man  to  be  funny 
when  his  os  humerus  is  dislocated  ?  Os  humerus,  as  every 
one  should  know,  is  the  technical  term  for  funny-bone,  and 
how  can  a  man  be  funny  when  that  is  out  of  joint  ? 

If  it  heals  by  the  "  first  intention,"  perhaps  I  shall  be  able 


WAITING  TO  GO.  213 

to  carry  out  my  original  intention,  before  I  get  through.  If 
not,  I  shall  claim  a  correspondent's  vested  right,  and  be  as 
stupid  as  need  be. 

The  first  of  September,  always  a  "  set  day,"  is  upon  us, 
and  with  its  advent  guests  go  in  clouds.  The  last  days 
of  August  do  considerable  weeding,  but  it  is  reserved  for 
this  month  to  pull  everything  up  by  the  roots.  A  good 
many  still  come,  but  in  comparison  to  those  who  go  they  do 
not  count  for  much,  and  the  daily  statements  are  "  made  up 
on  declining  averages."  And  there  is  an  uncomfortable  feel- 
ing on  us  who  already  are  pluming  our  wings — a  neat 
euphemism  that  for  packing  our  trunks — and  expecting 
every  day  to  take  flight. 

Kever  before  could  I  understand  the  disinclination  of  the 
aged  to  make  new  acquaintances.  But  I've  a  sense  of  it  now. 
Most  of  the  friends  who  have  been  with  us  all  the  summer 
are  gone  ;  the  rest  are  soon  going.  And  we  are  to  be  here 
such  little  time  longer  that  it  does  not  seem  worth  while  to 
form  new  associations.  A  feeling  of  unrest  is  on  us,  and  we 
prefer  to  sit  quietly  with  the  few  friends  who  remain  till  the 
time  comes  for  us  to  join  the  many  who  have  gone.  Per- 
haps nature  so  arranges  it  that  when  the  time  comes  for  us 
to  go  we  are  willing  and  even  eager  to  leave. 

In  little  more  than  two  weeks  the  final  breaking  up  will 
come.  The  music,  lights,  and  guests  will  then  be  gone  from 
the  parlors  ;  the  carpets  will  be  rolled  away  ;  the  mouth  of 
the  grand  piano  will  be  sealed  up  like  the  vial  of  wrath  it  is, 
until  some  angel  in  tarlctan  or  tulle  opens  it  next  summer ; 
the  bedrooms  will  be  stripped,  and  the  furniture  agglomera- 
ted in  promiscuous  piles ;  the  silver  will  be  stored  away  in 
some  place  of  safe  deposit,  along  with  the  lace  parasols,  sun 
umbrellas  and  fans  that  have  been  picked  up  in  the  parlors; 
the  darkies  all  will  Jiave  vanished  like  pale  ghosts,  and  the 
stranger  can  then  enter  the  silent  halls  without  being  swooped 
upon  by  bell-boys  bristling  with  whisk-brooms  and  a  wild 
ambition  to  brush  all  the  ten-cent  stamps  out  of  his  clothes. 
Saddest  of  all,  the  Ferguson  flirtations  will  be  at  an  end. 


214  THE  END  NEAR. 

No  more  will  that  faithful  chajperone  of  hers  be  obliged  to 
pace  the  piazza  and  patrol  the  parlors  with  the  unswerving 
tidelitj  of  a  Roman  sentinel,  listening  to  protestations  in 
which  she  has  no  part,  and  which  in  her  matronly  heart  she 
suspects  to  be  more  than  half  gammon.  No  more  will  hob- 
bledehoys have  opportunity  to  suggest  to  you  the  possibility 
of  climbing  over  the  laps  of  two  or  three  ladies  when  request- 
ed to  move  their  chairs  slightly  and  permit  an  escape  from 
their  unpleasant  proximities.  No  more  shall  we  gaze  upon 
that  wonderful  English  tourist  who  descends  from  the  omni- 
bus with  his  boots  outside  his  trowsers  and  a  veil  wrapped 
round  his  hat,  evidently  under  the  impression  that  he  is 
lighting  on  a  swamp  or  a  prairie,  and  ready  for  either  or 
both. 

For  the  season  is  near  its  end,  so  near  as  to  suggest  the 
advisability  of  getting  up  a  "  consolation  stake  for  beaten 
maidens."  They  always  do  this  when  a  race-meeting  is 
about  to  close,  and  surely  something  should  be  done  for  the 
poor  lillies  who  have  made  the  best  running  in  their  power 
this  year,  but  have  nothing  to  show  for  it.  A  season  or  two 
more  and  they'll  be  down  on  the  programme  as  "  aged,"  and 
then — but  my  pen  refuses  to  picture  further.  Think  not 
that  I  blame  the  "  beaten  maidens."  For  in  my  heart  of 
hearts  I  know  how  the  poor  creatures  are  handicapped  and 
jockeyed.  The  track  seems  fair  and  level  enough,  but  they're 
not  permitted  to  make  the  running  in  their  own  way.  So 
many  other  considerations  are  forced  upon  them,  so  hamp- 
ered are  they  by  instructions,  that  'tis  little  wonder  they 
score  for  season  after  season  without  e-ettino-  what  is  thouo;ht 
a  good  start,  and  go  from  meeting  to  meeting  without  win- 
ning a  thing. 

If  people  only  knew  it,  September  is  the  pleasantest  month 
of  the  year  to  be  at  Saratoga  or  anywhere  else.  That  there 
are  fewer  here  in  that  month  is  one  of  the  principal  reasons 
which  makes  it  more  enjoyable,  for  better  accommodations 
are  to  be  had,  and  you  are  not  jostled  about  and  trodden 
under  foot  by  the  multitude.     But  the  majority  seem  of  a 


A  SERENADE.  215 

different  \ray  of  thinking,  and  generally  begin  to  stampede 
with  the  coming  of  the  cool  delicious  month.  And  now  that 
the  guests  begin  to  thin  out  and  business  becomes  less  press- 
ing, I  suppose  the  proprietors  of  the  principal  hotels  will  go 
to  writing  certiticates  again  of  the  skill  with  which  their 
corns  were  cut  by  the  champion  corn-cutter  of  the  village. 
For  these  certificates  of  theirs,  written  in  the  early  spring, 
probably,  wlien  business  was  dull,  are  the  most  displayed 
articles  that  strike  your  eye  on  opening  local  papers  at  the 
breakfast-table.* 

Lander's  Band  gave  a  serenade  in  front  of  the  Grand 
Union  last  Monday  evening.  It  was  not  meant  for  me, 
(though  an  impression  that  it  was  caused  my  pulses  to  madly 
throb  when  tliey  lirst  began,)  but  for  Mrs.  Blinser.  And  when 
that  lady  appeared  at  the  window  in  magnificent  toilette  and 
waved  a  forty-inch  fan  in  graceful  acknowledgment  of  the 
compliment,  I  was  glad  that  I  restrained  myself  from  rushing 
forward  to  return  thanks  at  the  first  blast,  and  resolved  never 
again,  so  long  as  I  live,  to  jump  at  a  conclusion  hurriedly. 

After  opening  and  shutting  her  flxn  thi-ee  times,  which  in 
the  language  of  that  flirting  facility  means  "  you  are  not  dis- 
■  agreeable  to  me,  and  may  call  again,"  Mrs.  B.  retired. 


'Since  corn-curcrs  arc  looming  up  as  public  benefactors,  I'll  furnish  a  pre- 
scrii)tiou  that  will  cure  the  worst  corn  going,  if  it  be  fuilhfully  followed,  and  I 
don't  want  a  certificate  from  the  cured,  cither.  A  ten  cent  stamp  will  do  for 
me,  if  grateful  convalescents  insist  on  sending  something.  Listen.  Pure  all 
around  the  corn  with  a  very  sharp  knife,  and  bo  careful  to  draw  no  blood.  (It 
is  better  to  soften  the  corn  somewhat  with  warm  water  before  beginning  to  oper- 
ate.) Prepare  a  salve  of  pure  white  wax,  mutton  tallow,  and  resin,  in  about 
crpial  parts,  and  anoint  the  corn  well  with  this  at  intervals  during  the  day.  On 
retiring  to  bed  at  night,  draw  the  thumb  of  an  old  kid  glove  over  the  troubled 
toe,  cutting  a  hole  in  it  sudieiently  large  to  [)ermit  the  corn  to  protrude.  Tie  a 
piece  of  black  silk  thread  carefully  round  the  corn.  Now  wraj)  the  toe  well  up 
in  a  strip  of  red  flannel,  siitunited  with  a  mixture  of  turpentine  and  sweet  oil 
in  equal  proportions.  Then  airij)titate  the  toe  below  the  first  joint,  and  if  you 
set  it  on  fire  your  corn  will  di,sap[)ear  at  once.  Or,  if  you  throw  the  corn  out  of 
the  window,  toe  and  all,  and  Api)leton'3  dog  comes  along  and  thinks  he  has  got 
a  good  tiling  ati<l  chokes  in  endeavoring  to  swallow  it,  that  is  his  misfortune  and 
not  your  fault,  and  two  nuisances  are  got  well  rid  of  at  once. 


216  MR.  BLINSER'S  SPEECH. 

In  compliance  with  a  call,  Mr,  Blinser  then  stepped  out  on 
the  balcony.  He  was  not  so  well  dressed  as  his  wife,  nor  so 
much ;  looking  back  at  it  now  I  can  only  remember  one  thing 
that  he  wore,  and  that  had  a  ruffle  on  it.  But  he  seemed 
perfectly  at  home  for  all  that.  Laying  his  hand  on  his  heart 
he  began  by  addressing  the  band  as  "fellow-citizens,"  at 
which  there  were  cries  of  "  hear,  hear  ! "  He  said  that  unac- 
customed as  he  was  to  public  speaking,  especially  at  that 
hour  of  the  night,  with  so  little  on  him,  and  standing  on  a 
balcony,  which  had  not  a  southern  exposure  at  that,  his 
remarks  would  be  chiefly  remarkable  for  brevity.  If  they 
would  permit  him  to  retire  a  moment  for  his  trowsers  he 
thought  he  could  say  more.  (Cries  of  "  no,  no !  ")  Then  he 
would  go  on  as  he  was,  but  they  must  pardon  all  shortcom- 
ings ;  his  garment  would  have  showed  better  for  length  had 
it  ever  occurred  to  him  that  such  a  contingency  as  the 
present  could  arise ;  if  they  would  kindly  consider  it  merely 
as  a  make-shift  for  this  occasion  onlv,  he  would  have  it 
extended,  amplified,  and  generally  brought  to  bear  more 
resemblance  to  a  Roman  toga  before  he  had  again  the  pleas- 
ure of  addressing  the  distinguished  citizens  he  saw  before 
him.  (Cries  of  "Don't,  don't,"  and  "Perish  the  thought," 
from  the  dowagers  on  the  first  floor.) 

In  conclusion  he  would  only  say  that  he  had  endeavored 
to  make  it  warm  and  comfortable  for  everybody  during  the 
summer.  If  any  one  had  got  ofl"  without  paying  five  dollars 
a  day,  or  a  single  extra  had  been  omitted  in  making  out  a 
bill,  the  mistake  was  not  intentional,  would  be  remedied  at 
once  if  pointed  out.  Only  one  thing  troubled  him  in  this 
moment,  a  moment  which  bore  a  melancholy  resemblance  to 
his  last,  A  distinguished  journalist  had  resided  beneath  the 
roof  of  the  Grand  Union  Hotel  during  the  summer — imme- 
diately beneath  the  roof,  he  might  say.  This  journalist  had 
worked  faithfully  in  the  interests  of  his  profession,  and 
beside  seldom  or  never  missing  a  meal,  he  could  not  now 
remember  that  he  had  ever  paid  a  cent  or  returned  any  of 
the  pens  or  postage  stamps  he  had  borrowed  at  the  office. 


END  OF  MY  SUMMER  AT  SARATOGA.  217 

His  influence  on  society  bad  been  good ;  bis  suggestions  to 
Saratogians  bad  been  fraugbt  witb  wisdom  ;  and  bis  labors  to 
elevate  tbe  tone  of  The  Saratogian,  to  improve  tbe  moral 
character  of  tbe  editors,  and  persuade  tbem  to  avoid  tbe 
personalities  in  wbicb  they  were  unfortunately  too  prone  to 
indulge,  to  leave  Congress  water  alone,  employ  tbe  services  of 
a  proof-reader,  publish  the  truth  in  all  instances,  and  shame 
tbe  principal  proprietor  of  the  paper,  had  been  herculean. 
That  he  had  not  and  could  not  succeed  was  no  fault  of  his. 

Mr.  Blinser  then  went  on  to  say,  at  some  length,  that  he 
regretted  at  this  last  moment  that  be  had  not  given  this  dis- 
tinguished journalist  a  more  eligible  (I  think  that  was  the 
word)  suite  of  rooms,  and  sent  him  bottles  of  wine  more 
frequently  and  of  better  quality.  As  for  the  lace  parasol 
which  the  wife  of  this  distinguished  journalist  lost,  be  really 
did  not  take  it,  though  he  was  not  sure  that  he  did  not  then 
have  on  his  feet  some  of  the  shoe  leather  lost  at  Congress 
Hall  during  his  administration,  and  of  which  this  journalist 
had  complained.  In  conclusion  be  would  simply  say  that  if 
the  distinguished  fellow-citizens  whom  he  had  the  honor  of 
addressing  wished  a  drink,  he  would  advise  them  to  patronize 
the  bar  of  tbe  Grand  Union  ;  he  always  drank  there  himself; 
and  if  they  would  just  mention  bis  name  and  pay  for  what 
they  got,  Mr.  Case  would  supply  them  with  all  the  liquor 
they  wanted.  He  would  say  more  on  this  auspicious  occasion, 
but  some  one  was  pulling  his  garment  from  behind;  he 
couldn't  see  who  it  was,  but  rather  thought  it  was  Mrs.  B. 
And  we  all  arrived  at  a  similar  conclusion,  when  Mr.  Blinser 
suddenly  disappeared  backwards,  kicking  and  struggling,  and 
vociferating  that  bis  name  was  Harrington. 

Having  no  further  business  in  Saratoga,  and  being  liable 
to  leave  at  a  moment's  notice  after  this  date,  I  have  written 
for  them  to  say — in  event  of  any  one  appearing  at  the  office 
of  the  Great  Moral  Organ  with  a  club  and  asking  for  my 
address,  that  I  am  traveling  for  my  health — which  is  fee])lc — 
and  am  not  soon  expected  home.  My  summer  at  Saratoga 
is  ended. 


CHAPTEE  XXXIII. 

THE  PANIC  AND  HOW  AND  WHY  IT  CAME  ABOUT. 

IN  despair  and  Massachusetts,  I  seat  myself  to  promise 
that  never  again  will  I  leave  New  York  for  any  period 
of  time,  however  brief  ;  something  is  sure  to  happen  if  I'm 
not  there.  After  finishing  Saratoga,  it  was  clearly  my  duty 
to  return  to  the  city,  but,  yielding  against  my  better  judg- 
ment to  the  persuasion  of  friends,  I  prolonged  my  absence 
for  a  visit  to  Williamsburgh — one  of  the  important  commer- 
cial centres  of  Massachusetts — and  a  terrible  panic  was  the 
result ! 

When  I  say  that  I  saw  this  panic  coming  for  three  years 
before  it  came,  I  simply  put  on  the  robes  of  prophecy  which 
every  one  reached  for  immediately  that  the  event  arrived. 
That  I  am  not  attiring  myself  in  the  jwpular  sackcloth 
as  well,  is  simply  because  1  had  been  wearing  mourning 
for  some  time  back.  All  the  Summer  preceding  the  smash- 
up  I  did  not  converse  with  any  "eminent  financier" — another 
and  longer  way  of  spelling  speculator — who  did  not  see  a 
panic  cloud  looming  darkly  in  the  distance,  and  did  not 
declare  an  intention  of  not  being  caught  out  in  the  rain.  But 
where  were  the  umbrellas  when  the  big  drops  began  to  fall  ? 

At  no  time,  I  suppose,  did  even  the  most  sanguine  opera- 
tor for  a  continued  rise  in  securities,  believe  that  the  thou- 
sands who  were  buying,  bought  for  permanent  investment. 
Each  knew  that  his  neighbor  as  well  as  himself  bought  sim- 
ply to  sell  to  some  one  else  at  an  advanced  price,  and  each 
intended  in  his  own  mind  to  be  a  little  smarter  than  the  other 
and  get  out  first.     Not  a  man  was  there  among  all  the  busy 

218 


HOW  I  CAME  TO  GET  OUT.  219 

buyers  and  sellers  who  did  not  fully  understand  that  the  last 
purchaser  would  come  to  grief,  but  the  idea  of  being  that 
unfortunate  "  last  man,"  I  venture  to  say,  did  not  occur  to 
one  individual  mind. 

Impressed  with  a  vague  notion  that  if  the  many  arrived  at 
the  conclusion  that  it  was  best  to  be  getting  out  at  about  the 
same  time,  there  might  be  a  rush  for  it,  and  being  besides  a 
little  lame,  I  thought  I'd  start  first.  So  you  see  I  only  had 
the  back  part  of  my  head  taken  off,  for  I  kept  running.  How 
it  ffot  out  that  I  deemed  it  wiser  to  unload  at  a  loss  I  cannot 
imagine,  but  you  see  the  result — a  wide-spread  sacrihce  of 
securities,  a  disastrous  panic.  Sooner  than  have  had  this 
happen,  however,  I'd  have  consented  to  stay  in  and  be  ruined 
— for  a  consideration. 

Looking  back  at  it  now,  I  don't  know  that  I'd  have  got 
out  if  I  hadn't  had  to  get.  Men  addicted  to  the  street  are 
much  like  those  who  become  habituated  to  loafing  late  in  bar- 
rooms— they  don't  go  till  they're  kicked  out.  My  health 
failed  me ;  the  doctors  prescribed  quiet  and  rest ;  so  I  went 
to  Saratoga. 

"Well,  as  I  was  saying,  all  knew  this  storm  was  coming. 
But  I  have  yet  to  see  the  man  who  thought  it  was  coming 
quite  BO  soon  or  took  in  his  lower  sails,  if  he  did  his  topsails. 
When  it  came  or  showed  itself  near  at  hand  would  be  time 
enough  to  be  dodging,  they  thought.  And  my  father  on«ce 
had  a  horse  in  his  stables,  a  fine,  spirited  creature,  which  I 
was  fond  of  fooling  around.  The  old  gentleman  warned  me 
that  he  might  kick,  but  I  didn't  thank  him  for  that ;  of  course 
he  might  kick — any  horse  might,  for  that  matter.  Ihit  I 
liadn't  been  round  the  stables  when  supposed  to  be  at  school 
for  nothing.  I  had  noticed  that  when  a  horse  kicked  belaid 
his  ears  back.  So  I  waltzed  around  "John  the  Baptist" — 
that  was  the  nol)le  animal's  name,  though  why  so  christened, 
uidess  because  of  his  ability  to  kick  a  path  through  a  wilder- 
ness I  do  not  know — ^just  as  usual,  and  relied  on  a  religious 
observation  of  his  ears  for  safety.  At  the  least  dro])ping  of 
that  barometer  I  stood  ready  to  jump. 


220  THE  PARABLE  OF  "JOHN  THE  BAPTIST." 

One  day,  having  business  about  bis  manger — business  not 
wholly  unconnected  with  a  hen's  nest — I  approached  by  what 
may  be  designated  as  a  flank  movement,  and  requested  him 
to  stand  over  on  the  other  side  of  the  stall,  as  I  wished  to 
come  in.  That  there  might  be  no  mistake  about  my  mean- 
ing, I  made  it  quite  clear  by  pricking  the  flank  most  in  my 
way  gently  with  a  pitchfork.  But  I  was  careful  to  watch 
his  ears  very  carefully  while  making  the  request.  Now,  if 
you'll  believe  me,  I  didn't  see  his  ears  drop,  neither  did  I  see 
his  hind  quarters  rise.  Bnt  I  did  hear  a  boy  about  my  size 
strike  against  the  other  side  of  the  barn  with  a  bang.  And 
after  an  hour  or  two,  when  I  had  collected  my  scattered 
thoughts  and  picked  up  the  jews-harps,  and  jack-knives,  and 
green  apples  and  stolen  water-melons  that  the  industrious 
animal  had  kicked  out  of  me,  and  climbed  up  in  the  hay-loft 
for  the  double  purpose  of  picking  up  the  top  of  my  head — 
which,  according  to  all  evidence  of  the  senses,  must  have 
landed  there — and  getting  a  better  view  of  what  was  going 
on  down  below,  I  remarked  that  that  horse's  ears  were  laid 
down  on  his  back  as  flat  as  though  a  tailor's  goose  had  lit  on 
them. 

But  the  warning  did  me  very  little  good  then.  And  when 
I  went  into  the  house  and  the  old  gentleman  said  that  he 
told  me  so,  and  that  it  would  only  have  served  me  right  if 
the  horse  had  kicked  me  into  the  middle  of  next  week,  I 
found  no  relief  for  my  bursting  bosom  till  I  had  emptied  the 
red  pepper  cruet  into  the  manger  of  "  John  the  Baptist  " — 
turning  his  clover  hay  into  the  very  wildest  kind  of  honey — 
and  set  him  sneezino;  till  those  confounded  ears  of  his  stood 
up  so  stiff  and  straight  that  they  raked  forward  like  a  jack- 
rabbit's.  And  I  made  up  my  mind  then  and  there  never 
again  to  let  my  liking  for  a  brisk  business  bring  me  round 
anything  the  further  end  of  which  one  has  to  watch  to  see 
what  the  nearer  end  is  going  to  do,  especially  when  that 


-nearer  one 


Still,  and  a  rearer  one 
Yet  than  the  other, 


has  a  way  of  lifting  so  quick  and  easy. 


NECESSITY  OF  MORE  SKIN  OR  LESS  DOG.  221 

It  is  sound  business  judgment  to  avoid  the  vicinity  of  any 
animal  whose  skin  is  so  short  that  he  can't  drop  his  ears 
without  raising  his  heels,  the  more  so  if  he  happen  to  be  so 
particularly  lively  that  he  can  go  through  both  motions  at 
once.  Further  than  this  I  don't  know  that  there's  any 
special  point  to  my  story.  But  I  was  a  good  deal  hurt  at  the 
time,  and  my  nose  ever  since  has  borne  considerable  resem- 
blance to  a  badly  turned  pancake.  It  has  been  some  satisiac- 
tion  to  feel  that  I  am  more  familiar  with  the  habits  of  the 
horse  than  I  was  before  the  accident  happened,  and  if  any 
one  fishes  a  deeper  moral  out  of  my  story,  it  will  further 
gratify  me  to  know  that  my  nose  was  not  flattened  in  vain. 

For  an  explanation  of  the  "  panic  "  I  do  not  think  that  it 
is  necessary  to  look  very  far.  If  you  have  ever  had  hold  of 
a  young  and  growing  dog,  you  must  have  noticed  that  nature 
keeps  the  skin  a  good  deal  bigger  than  the  dog.  You  can 
take  up  the  slack  of  the  skin  in  your  hands,  put  two  or  three 
reefs  in  it  if  you  like,  without  pinching  the  dog  at  all.  The 
matter  with  us  is  simply  that  our  dog  has  grown  so  fast  as  to 
become  too  big  for  his  skin — after  stretching  day  after  day, 
till  it  got  to  be  as  thin  as  tissue  paper,  it  has  finally  l)urst. 
For  several  years  the  dog  has  been  hide-bound.  But  I  don't 
tliink  he's  dead,  even  now. 

Our  present  currency  was  created  and  the  amount  fixed 
during  the  war,  when  it  had  only  to  float  the  North;  since, 
it  has  had  to  swim  the  South  as  well.  And  while  the  amount 
in  circulation  lias  been  lessened  by  the  destruction  of  notes 
by  fire,  flood,  and  other  accidents — a  lessening  which  must 
amount  to  five  or  eix  per  cent,  of  the  total,  though  I  do  not 
remember  to  have  heard  this  alluded  to  even  by  those  who 
complain  of  "  contraction  " — as  well  as  by  the  withdrawal  of 
the  legal -tender  certificates,  the  values  of  everything  wliich 
this  currency  represents,  have  doubled  and  trebled. 

This  is  precisely  as  if,  having  launched  a  ship — or  scow,  if 
you  please — we  let  a  certain  quantity  of  Avater  into  the  canal 
where  she  lay,  sufficient  to  float  that  ship  or  scow,  and  then,  after 
shutting  the  gates  against  the  admittance  of  any  further  floating 


222  FINANCIAL  WISDOM. 

medium,  proceeded  to  load  the  vessel  down  till  lier  bottom 
settled  in  the  mnd.  Plainly  one  of  two  things  must  be  done 
— either  let  more  water  into  the  canal  (that  is,  give  more 
currency)  or  else  dump  the  cargo  and  bring  our  ship  back  to 
drawing  the  same  water  she  did  in  the  first  place.  The  car- 
go being  really  of  value — that  is  to  say,  values  having  really 
increased,  not  only  in  this  country,  but  the  world  over — more 
water  would  seem  the  easier  way  out  of  the  dilemma. 

I  don't  assume  to  teach  my  grandmother  how  to  suck  eggs, 
but  that  is  how  it  looks  to  me.  Had  we  a  gold  and  silver 
circulation,  the  evil  would  right  itself ;  money  would  flow  in 
from  other  nations,  but  this  relief  is  denied  by  the  existing 
nature  of  things,  the  currency  of  the  rest  of  the  M'orld  being 
merely  merchandise  to  us,  and  in  reality  only  going  to  load 
our  ship  down  deeper.  Figure  it  what  way  you  please,  does 
it  not  amount  to  this  in  the  end— less  freight  or  more  water? 
More  skin  or  less  dog  ? 

lieasoning  abstractly,  indeed,  there  should  never  be  a  panic 
on  a  paper  basis.  One  sells  his  securities — which  are  paper, 
the  good  ones  paying  interest — and  what  does  he  get  ?  Sim- 
ply paper  which  pays  no  interest  at  all.  Having,  after  much 
trouble,  succeeded  in  getting  rid  of  an  eight  per  cent,  stock 
or  bond  at  from  fifty  to  eighty  cents  on  the  dollar,  and  got  an 
awkward  bundle  of  greenbacks  instead,  which  carry  no  per 
cent.,  what  are  you  to  do  with  them  ?  Put  them  in  a  bank, 
and  the  chances  arc  that  the  directors  will  speculate  with 
some,  and  the  cashier  clear  out  with  what  is  left ;  lend  them 
on  bond  and  mortgage,  and  you  find  yourself  embarked  in 
the  real  estate  business  against  your  wish ;  take  them  home 
and  sew  them  up  in  an  old  jacket^  and  your  wife  throws  it 
out  of  the  window,  or  trades  it  ofi'  Avith  the  ragman  for  a 
plaster-of-paris  Ajax  or  a  porcelain  Magdalen.  There's 
nothing  for  it,  if  you  really  want  to  be  sure  that  you've  got 
something  under  you,  other  than  to  contract  the  small-pox  in 
the  most  convenient  city  car,  and  then  sit  down  on  your 
pocket-book. 

I  have  spoken,  and  I  have  notliing  more  to  say  about  it, 


THE  SWEET  USES  OF  ADVERSITY.  223 

unless  I  make  public  an  idea  wliicli  just  strikes  me,  as  a  copy 
of  Boccaccio's  Decameron — a  book  much  praised  bj  the  clas- 
sic critics,  though  I  do  not  now  remember  to  have  ever  seen 
it  brought  out  for  family  reading — meets  my  eye  on  a  neigh- 
boring shelf.  When  panics  are  raging,  why  would  it  not  be 
a  good  idea  for  coteries  of  "  bankers  and  brokers,"  by  way  of 
diverting  the  mind  and  getting  a  little  innocent  amusement, 
to  retire,  say  to  Hoboken,  with  select  companies  of  ladies, 
and  tell  broad — perhaps  I  should  say  Broad  Street — stories  till 
all's  over  ?  And  certainly  almost  any  "  banker  and  broker  " 
— no  need  to  pick  your  man — could  keep  the  sweetly  flowing 
fund  of  anecdote  going  for  a  twelvemonth  or  more,  without 
even  a  "  momentary  suspension."  And  against  the  distress 
caused  by  the  panic,  set  off  the  fact  that,  in  eifecting  the 
closing  of  the  Stock  Exchange,  if  only  for  a  few  days,  it 
aptly  illustrated  how  "  sweet  are  the  uses  of  adversity."  Had 
it  been  closed  never  to  be  opened  again,  the  blessing  would 
have  been  cheaply  enough  purchased  at  the  price  of  two 
panics. 

I  did  intend  to  say  something  about  the  too  great  cultiva- 
tion of  corn  the  country  over,  and  the  too  little  attention  that 
is  given  to  raising  hemp,  but  admonished  that  this  has 
already  been  a  pretty  long  heat,  1  will  reserve  my  enthusi- 
asm for  another  hot  occasion,  only  lingering  now  to  express 
my  regret  that  the  Commodore,  Tracy,  Sage,  Gould — all,  in 
short,  whose  "  issues  "  have  brought  about  the  present  issue 
— are  not  among  the  "  bursted,"  and  to  inquire,  what  on 
earth  lamp-posts  are  for  "i 


CHAPTER  XXXIY. 

THE  SCENERY  OF  WHICH  LIES  IN  AND  THROUGH  MASSACHUSETTS, 
"WHERE  THE  TRAVELER  FINDS  A  PROFUSION  OF  COBBLE  STONES 
BUT  NOTHING  TO  DRINK. 

ALTHOUGH  conscious  of  the  fact  that  there  is  no  place 
worth  dating  from  except  Saratoga,  and  that  there  is 
nothing  worth  writing  about  except  the  panic,  I  yet  make 
bold  to  approach  you  modestly  from  Northampton,  for  a 
moment,  to  whisper : — Last  night  I  caught  one  ! 

This  is  how  it  happened  : — Inspired  with  noble  emulation 
by  the  example  of  journalists  who  have  braved  the  horrors  of 
steerage  passages  across  the  ocean  and  spent  nights  in  jails 
and  mad-houses  that  they  might  be  enabled  to  inform  the 
public  just  how  these  particular  things  worked,  I  embarked 
on  a  regular  passenger  car  of  the  New  York  Central  and 
Hudson  E-iver  Railroad,  instead  of  taking  a  drawing-room 
coach.  According  to  all  report,  dirt  and  discomfort  lay 
before  us,  but  the  distance  was  not  great,  and  the  interests 
of  humanity  beckoned  me  on.  So  I  stepped  up  to  the  ticket 
office  and  paid  my  fare  like  a  man,  and  then  stepped  aboard 
the  car,  prepared  to  be  treated  like  a  dog.  An  old  traveler, 
like  myself,  does  not  mind  this  thing  much,  being  used  to  it, 
but  one  does  like  to  be  treated  like  a  decent  dog,  a  dog  that 
is  accustomed  to  a  tolerably  clean  kennel  and  is  not  so  enthu- 
siastically fond  of  the  chase  as  to  sniff  with  delight  at  finding 
himself  in  the  vicinity  of  all  sorts  of  small  game. 

Well,  Paulina  soon  complained  of  being  sleepy.  So  we 
made  up  a  bed  for  her  on  a  vacant  seat,  improvising  a  pillow 
from  the  cushion,  and  the  child  was  presently  slumbering  in 

224 


BERKSHIRE  PIGS  IX  A  PUDDLE.  225 

blissful  unconsciousness  that  the  bedstead  had  not  been 
cleaned  once  since  the  car  was  built,  in  the  early  part  of  the 
present  century,  and  that  all  the  surroundings  generally  were 
suspicious. 

The  contrast  was  noticeable  when  we  switched  off  on  the 
Boston  and  Albany  Road  ;  well  lighted  and  well  ventilated  cars 
awaited  us,  smelling  sweetly,  as  thougli  every  cushion  was 
stuffed  with  the  hair  of  some  creature  fed  on  clover  hay; 
tliere  was  no  smell  of  train-oil  about  the  train.  The  chief 
ihawback  to  human  happiness  on  such  roads  is  having  to  pay 

lur  fare ;  but,  as  the  good  minister  remarked  last  Sunday, 
if  one  could  travel  through  Massachusetts  free,  there'd  be 
very  little  to  look  forward  to  in  another  world.  Again, 
after  making  a  landing,  the  trains  go  on  without  whistling, 
but  as  they  are  equally  certain  never  to  whistle  without 
going  on,  one  omission  compensates  for  the  other.  And  a 
i  beautiful  country  this  road  takes  you  through — beautiful  to 
:  the  poet's  eye,  I  mean ;  less  so,  probably,  to  the  practical 
farmer's,  as  the  picturesque  rocks  and  inaccessible  hills  by  no 
means  furnish  what  the  bucolic  mind  might  consider  and  call 
'•  a  right  smart  chance  for  crops."  One  naturally  concludes 
that  the  pastures  are  principally  fenced  around  to  keep  cattle 
from  getting  in  and  starving  to  death. 

The  Berkshire  lulls  arc  particularly  picturesque,  but  even 
a  Second  Adventist  would  scarcely  care  to  graze  thereon. 
It  is  among  these  hills  that  the  celebrated  breed  of  Berkshire 
pigs  originated — pigs  of  iron,  metaphorically  speaking,  bred 
by  tiic  Bessemer  process,  steel-pointed,  as  pigs  must  be  where 
the  sterile  rocks  forbid  anything  to  take  root,  and  yet  life 
resolves  itself  into  a  question  of  root  or  die.  I  never  knew 
why  big  chunks  of  iron  are  called  "pigs"  until  I  saw  a  lot 
of  them  once  in  a  "puddle." 

If  requested  to  pronounce  upon  Massachusetts  geologically, 
I  should  say  that  it  is  chiefly  remarkable  for  the  profusion  of 
(•'»l>ble-6tones  and  the  scarcity  of  anything  to  drink  along  the 
loud.  The  thirsty  traveler  looks  for  his  glass  of  ale  at  the 
wayside  inn  in  vain.     The  Massachusetts  people  among  them- 

15 


223  A  SAD  SCARCITY  OF  WATER.  - 

selves,  however,  were  not  drinking  much  water — on  account 
of  the  faihire  of  tlie  streams  and  the  need  of  the  mills,  I  sup- 
pose. Calling  on  the  great  manufacturers  of  Williamsburgli, 
I  found  it  next  to  impossible  to  get  a  glass  of  water  to  cool 
one's  parched  tongue.  On  the  first  hint  of  thirst,  you  were 
requested  to  stand  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  and  hold  a  candle, 
while  the  host  went  stumbling  down  into  an  incomprehensi- 
ble cellar,  whence  he  would  emerge  with  a  demijohn  of 
apple-jack  under  his  arm  and  soft  persuasion  in  his  eye.  As 
for  getting  a  glass  of  water  out  of  that  woolen  man,  you 
might  as  well  seek  blood  of  a  turnip ;  he  never  gives  any- 
thinsi:  to  his  quests  that  he  does  not  drink  liimself :  he  savs 
water  is  utilized  in  his  State,  Wherever  a  stream  of  running 
water  can  be  found  to  turn  a  wheel,  to  work  they  go  and 
clap  mills  down  along  its  borders,  I  fancy  they'd  seize  upon 
a  liquid  flowing  phrase  even  if  it  had  sufficient  force  to 
turn  a  sentence. 

This  utilizing  spoils  the  fishing.  That  no  steps  have  been 
taken  by  sportsmen  for  the  suppression  of  mills  astonishes  me, 
for,  where  once  the  lordly  salmon  and  frisky  trout  abounded, 
you  can  now  find  nothing  finny  save  now  and  then  a  sporadic 
eel.  And  the  eel  is  not  considered  a  eranie  fish  exactlv, 
though  in  taking  him  you  do  rake  down  a  pot  occasionally. 

Along  the  line  of  Massachusetts  railroads,  one  thing  is 
remarkable — the  character  of  books  which  the  train  boy 
brings  you.  Trashy  novels  and  pampldet  biographies  of 
celebrated  criminals  flung  rudely  in  your  lap?  No  I  he 
comes  to  you  with  Virgil,  Tacitus,  Shakespeare,  Milton, 
"Liflith  Lank,"  Herbert  Spencer,  "St.  Twe'lmo,"  John 
Stuart  Mill — good  solid  reading.  And  he  converses  with 
you  about  the  books  and  tells  you  who  wrote  them.  And  I 
have  not  a  doubt  that  by  traveling  over  the  Boston  and 
Albany,  and  New  Haven  and  jSTorthampton  Railroads  for 
four  or  five  years,  and  reading  The  Springjkld  Itepxibli- 
can  continually,  a  man  would  pick  up  about  as  much  infor- 
mation as  he  could  at  college,  and  might  eventually  find  him- 
self able  to  answer  all  the  questions  that  sociably  inclined 
old  ladies  on  the  back  seat  ask  him. 


BOTHERED  BY  THE  "GIULS/'  227 

Lest  my  statement  as  to  the  character  of  hooks  perused  on 
the  railroads  of  this  State  may  be  doubted,  1  wish  now  to 
affirm  tliat,  glancing  over  the  shoulder  of  a  young  man  sit- 
ting in  front  of  me,  in  the  hoj^e  that  he  might  have  a  guide- 
book that  1  could  get  a  chance  to  borrow,  I  found  that  he 
was  wliiling  away  the  time  with  "  Cassar,  Liber  Secundus.'' 
Any  assertion  which  I  make  in  this  solemn  way  at  long 
intervals  may  be  relied  upon,  for,  esteeming  truth  as  the 
most  precious  of  all  things,  I  have  no  idea  of  wasting  it  on 
an  nnappreciative  pul)lic  even  in  every  other  sentence. 

Not  finding  it  possiblu  to  obtain  so  much  as  a  glass  of 
laofer  alonir  theroad,  and  inferring  that  while  in  the  state  of 
Massachusetts  Mrs.  Paul  and  the  baby  and  everybody  else 
were  sure  to  be  in  a  state  of  blissful  sobriety,  yon  can  judge 
of  my  surprise  when,  on  arriving  at  the  friend's  whom  wc 
were  to  visit,  we  found  our  charming  hostess  in  a  state  of 
distraction  over  the  lateness  of  dinner — the  reason  being  that 
the  cook  was  drunk. 

The  conundrum  at  once  occurred  to  me,  iNow,  if  that  cook 
got  druidv  in  Massachusetts,  where  there  is  no  liquor  to  be 
had,  what  in  the  name  of  junk-bottles  and  bung-holes  would 
she  do  in  New  York?  If  any  human  mind  can  grasp  that 
prol)lem,  I  would  like  an  answer  by  return  mail,  for  it  has 
worn  on  me  ever  since.  It  grieved  me,  too,  to  find  that 
away  up  here  among  the  hills  the  servant  question  still 
asserted  itself  as  a  vexatious  one. 

At  Tliverdale,  while  house-keeping,  wc  were  never  happy  ; 
if  Ap]>leton's  dog  wasn't  bothering  us,  the  girls  M'cre.  AVliile 
a  single  man  I  submitted  patiently  to  the  worriment  entailed 
by  endeavoring  to  find  a  good  girl,  but  having  passed  the 
rubicon — solved  the  ruby  conundrum,  one  might  say — it 
seemed  to  me  that  all  trouble  about  girls  should  be  over. 
Ihit  no ;  even  now,  when  wc  had  taken  unto  ourselves  the 
wings  of  the  morning  train,  and  flown  unto  the  uttermost 
corners  of  Massachusetts,  a  similar  trouble  confronted  us. 
Here,  as  with  us,  the  "domestics"  are  all  foreign,  which  is 
why  they  are  called  domestics,  I  suppose. 


22S  MARIA  AS  A  PARLOR  ORGANIST. 

Country  girls  are  ready  eBongli  to  work  in  the  mills,  but 
housework— no  !  And  yet  housework  pays  better  than  mill- 
ing. When  this  cook  of  our  friend's  folded  up  her  dish-cloths 
like  an  Arab's  turban,  and  quietly  stole  away  with  all  the 
spare  towels  she  could  get  hold  of,  our  host  took  one  of  the 
spinning  jennies  out  of  his  mill  and  put  her  into  the  kitchen, 
but  she  would  only  consent  to  stay  there  till  another  cook  could 
be  had,  though  fully  competent  for  the  exalted  position. 

For  my  part,  wearied  of  this  foreign  intervention  in  do- 
mestic affairs,  I  have  determined  to  strike  out  a  new  path  in 
the  wilderness  of  "  girls,"  if  ever  again  housekeeping  happens 
to  us.  I  say  to  my  wife — which  is  quite  equivalent  to  saying 
it  to  the  world  at  large: — 

I  will  take  some  savage  woman,  she  shall  fill  my  Bridget's  place. 
She  shall  scrub  the  kitchen  area,  she  shall  wash  the  baby's  face. 

Supple  sinewed,  double  jointed,  she  shall  leap  and  she  shall  run. 
Chase  the  milkman,  cook  the  dinner,  hang  the  washing  in  the  sun. 

"With  intelligence  offices  I  have  done  forever.  If  my 
savage  woman  goes  back  on  me,  then  I'll  give  up  housekeep- 
ino-,  and  go  and  live  around  among  my  relatives.  That  is 
cheaper  and  not  much  worse  than  boarding. 

Looking  back  at  it  now,  I  do  not  remember,  with  all  our 
experimenting,  to  have  ever  had  a  single  girl  who  turned 
out  all  that  fancy  painted  her  or  the  exigencies  of  the  situa- 
tion required.  One  Avould  have  suited  us  exactly  if  it  had 
not  been  for  a  parlor  organ.  Neat  and  tidy  in  appearance, 
well-mannered,  up  in  the  catechism  of  cooking  she  was,  and 
I  could  read  her  title  clear  to  competence  in  all  respects  in 
the  very  best  of  references.  Mrs.  Paul  engaged  her  at  once, 
and  she  and  her  trunk  were  to  come  early  the  next  morning. 

"  Mercv  on  me  what  a  trunk  !"  said  Mrs.  Paul  when  the 
drayman  drew  up  under  the  window  and  Maria  descended 
from  a  box  as  big  as  a  dinner-table,  on  which  she  rode  in 
state. 

"  One  thing  I  forgot  to  say  to  you,  mum,"  said  Maria  on 
entering  the  presence  ;  "  1  hope  you  don't  object  to  music, 


CHARiMING  RETREATS.  229 

for  I  alvraTS  carry  mj  parlor  organ  with  me  wherever  I  go. 
I've  been  taking  lessons  rather  better  than  a  year,  now,  and 
they  say  I'm  getting  on.  Oh,  you  needn't  be  afraid,  mum  " 
—seeing  a  look  of  doubt  and  perplexity  cross  Mrs.  Paul's 
face — "  you  needn't  be  afraid  ;  I  don't  play  any  light,  frivo- 
lous airs,  nothing  bnt  sacred  music,  mum,  and  I  only  waut 
three  hours  a  day  to  practice." 

Alas,  Maria's  stay  in  the  house  was  brief,  and  the  parlor 
oriran  never  crossed  the  threshold. 

These  little  villages  that  snuggle  down  under  the  shelter 
of  the  Massachusetts  hills  are  charming  retreats,  but  I  do  not 
know  that  I  should  care  to  spend  more  than  five  years  of  life 
at  a  time  in  an}''  one  of  them.  And  as  for  being  retreats, 
I'm  not  so  sure  of  that,  come  to  think  about  it.  You  stand 
out  in  pretty  bold  relief  if  you  are  a  resident,  still  more  so 
if  you  are  a  visitor.  For  instance,  there  was  an  engaged 
couple  in  the  village  where  I  visited — not  natives  to  the  man- 
qer  born,  but  city  swells,  on  a  visit  to  relatives.  Very  few 
of  the  villagers  were  ignorant  of  what  was  going  on.  When 
the  young  man  walked  out  with  his  sweetheart,  it  nmst  have 
been  particularly  gratifying  for  him  to  see  himself  pointed 
out  by  one  urchin  to  another  with  : — 

"I  say,  Bill, you  see  that  there  fellow  without  no  hinge  in 
his  back  ;  he's  goin'  to  marry  that  there  gal." 

When  the  tiling  first  began  there  w\as  later  sitting  up  than 
usual,  naturally.  And  one  of  the  old  ladies  stepped  in  one 
morning,  sniffing  suspiciously : — 

"  I  say,  there  ain't  no  one  sick  in  this  here  house  or  nothin', 
is  there?  I  seen  a  light  burnin'  nigh  onto  twelve  o'clock 
last  night,  but  I  don't  smell  no  camphire  nor  nothin'  round." 

Northampton  is  a  ])leasant  little  i>lacc,  of  varied  historical 
associations.  Tlie  people  are  fond  of  playing  "  checkers," 
and  only  drink  by  medical  prescription.  One  day  I  met 
an  invalid  wandering  round  the  streets.  In  reply  to  my 
questions  he  said  he  was  looking  for  a  doctor;  didn't  think 
lie  was  much  sick,  but  felt  as  though  he  had  better  take  some- 
tliing.     He   invited   me   to    walk   along  with   him.     After 


2'^Q  -     LOOKING  FOR  TODD'S. 

strolling  about  the  town  for  the  better  part  of  the  afternoon, 
we  came  to  a  store  where  an  escutcheon  bore  the  inscription 
"  Todd's."  The  invalid  stepped  in  and  said  he  wanted  one. 
The  clerk  leaned  over  the  counter  and  said  : — 

"  You  want  whatV 

"  A  tod,''  said  the  invalid. 

"  Will  an  Index  Rerum  suit  you  ?"  said  the  clerk. 

"  If  it's  the  square  thing  it  will,"  said  the  invalid. 

The  clerk  lianded  the  thing  down  from  a  shelf,  and  it 
proved  to  be  a  square  book.  My  friend  had  heard  of  coccu- 
lus  indicus  as  an  ingredient  in  liquors,  and  evidently  got 
Index  Rerum  mixed  up  with  the  other  drug.  The  '•  Todds" 
of  the  sign  turned  out  to  be  books  by  the  late  Rev.  Dr.  John 
Todd,  who,  from  the  number  of  his  works,  might,  indeed 
have  been  christened  le  John  Todd.  But  his  "  Index  Rerum  " 
is  an  excellent  book  for  any  man  to  have  who  ever  has  facts 
to  arrange.  And  Mrs.  Paul  says  it  is  handy  to  write  down 
household  recipes  in. 

Well,  as  I  was  saying,  I  caught  one  last  night ! 

As  already  explained,  we  had  been  traveling  on  the  N.  Y. 
C.  &  H.  R.  R.  R.  cars,  which  we  took  at  Saratoga,  and  were 
to  leave  at  Albany  ;  it  seemed  impossible  that  any  damaging 
aphides  could  be  acquired  by  us  in  that  time  and  at  the  rate 
of  speed  at  M-hicli  the  cars  ran,  for  certainly  it  seemed  that 
we  ran  too  slow  to  catch  anything. 

Nevertheless,  I  caught  one  ! 

But  the  clock  has  just  struck  one,  too,  and  the  particulars 
of  this  remarkable  catch  must  be  deferred  to  another  time, 
for  I  never  allow  the  same  thing  to  break  my  slumbers  twice 
in  succession.  Kor  should  one  be  precipitate  in  spreading  a 
story  for  many  to  read,  even  when  the  precipitate  itself  is 
red.  On  some  hushed  June  day  in  the  golden  future  per- 
liaps  I  will  narrate  how  we  left  Saratoga  one  morning,  and 
came  upon  Toulouse  the  very  same  night.  For,  on  coming 
to  think  about  it,  I  believe  there  were  two  of  them  ! 

P.  S.  Alas,  while  preparing  this  chapter  for  my  book  I 
am  saddened  by  the  thought  that  Williamsburgh  and   its 


NEVER  JUDGE  BY  APPEARANCES.  231 

pleasant  sister  hamlets,  wliicli  I  visited  last  fall,  when  these 
letters  were  written,  have  since  been  swejjt  away,  and  the 
trail  of  death  and  desolation  is  over  the  fair  valley.  I 
should  not  have  made  a  iest  of  the  water  had  I  thouirht  it 
would  work  such  woe.  But  the  little  stream  that  then 
trickled  along  behind  the  mills,  a  child  could  have  forded  at 
its  deepest ;  I  wondered  how  so  small  a  volume  could  turn 
such  huge  wheels.  And  a  terrible  murder  was  once  com- 
mitted in  a  village  where  I  resided — the  deed  was  one  of 
unusual  atrocity.  The  perpetator  1  knew  very  well,  indeed, 
met  him  nearly  every  day.  He  had  always  seemed  to  me  a 
peculiarly  harmless  and  inoffensive  man,  weak,  womanish, — 
anything  but  bloodthirsty.  And  when  he  stood  revealed  as 
a  demon  of  ferocity  and  lust,  a  shudder  came  over  me  at  the 
thought  that  this  man,  whom  we  all  despised  for  an  apparent 
feebleness  of  purpose,  in  reality  carried  within  him  all  the 
while  these  dreadful  possibilities.  Somewhat  so  I  feel  now, 
when  I  think  of  that  quiet,  creeping,  innocent-seeming  little 
Mill  River,  whose  power  I  held  in  such  contempt,  whose 
angered  force  I  so  little  understood. 


CHAPTER  XXXY. 

WHICH  IS    FRAtlGHT    "WITH    THE    MOST    EEMAEKABLE    CONTttTORUM 
THAT  EVEE  FLASHED  ACROSS  THE  HORIZON  OF    HUMANITY. 

WHEN  I  prepared  this  paper  for  publication  in  the  Great 
Moral  Organ,  it  was  with  no  intention  of  trespassing 
on  the  green  pastures  of  the  Evangelical  Alliance,  to  whose 
uses  those  sacred  columns  were  then  chiefly  devoted.  I 
reveled  therein  too  luxuriantly  myself  to  even  dream  of 
disturbing  the  ecstacies  of  others.  AVithout  my  regular 
allowance  of  a  dozen  columns  in  the  morning,  and  as  many 
after  supper  in  the  evening,  when,  resting  my  feet  on  the 
mantel-piece  I  settled  myself  for  a  good  steady  jolt  along 
with  the  doctors,  life  would  have  become  a  burden  to  me, 
existence  a  mere  thorn  in  the  flesh. 

One  morning,  I  remember,  looking  for  my  ambrosia,  as 
usual,  I  found  it  not,  and  my  soul  sank  within  me.  "  I 
would  not  live  alway,"  I  said,  "  I  ask  not  to  stay,  in  a  world 
where  such  reading  aint  printed  each  day  ! "  But  turning 
over  the  page,  and  finding  myself  in  a  field  of  Free  Religion, 
where  one  could  browse  comfortably  and  contentedly  for  an 
hour  or  two,  a  "  bull  movement "  began  in  my  being,  so  to 
speak,  and  I  went  cavorting  through  the  columns,  grazing  on 
all  sides  and  kicking  up  my  heels  like  a  speckled  steer  in  a 
June  cornfield.  For  it  matters  little  to  me  what  sort  of 
reading  I  get,  so  it  be  but  theological  and  there  be  plenty  of 
it.  Variety  is  the  spice  of  life,  and  witli  orthodox  dominies 
flailing  a  fellow  on  one  side,  and  Frothinghammers  pounding 
away  at  him  on  the  other,  if  he  do  not  stand  straight  between 
the  two  it  is  his  own  fiiult. 


THE  CANANDAIGUA  CONUNDRUM.  233 

Let  me  here  remark  that  since  mj  visit  to  jS'orthampton  I 
have  given  a  good  deal  of  my  time  to  Dr.  Todd.  And  that 
of  all  his  theological  works,  I  like  the  Index  Rerura  best.  It 
contains  about  all  that  any  one  positively  knows  about  any- 
thing, and  tlie  pages  being  judiciously  left  blank  one  has  an 
excellent  chance  to  write  in  a  little  of  what  nobody  knows. 
And  if  what  the  theologians  do  know  and  you  and  I  don't 
know,  good  reader,  would  not  make  a  pretty  big  book,  I'm 
out  in  my  reckoning. 

But,  as  I  was  saying  in  the  beginning  of  this  deal,  do 
not  suspect  me  of  intending  to  interrupt  the  session  or  to 
intrude  upon  it  unseasonably  ;  I  have  no  desire  to.  I  merely 
thought  I'd  look  in  and  ask  if  any  of  the  members,  or  indeed 
any  one  else,  had  ever  heard  the  conundrum  which  brought 
me  to  Canandaigua,  viz.: — "  Why  is  New  York  State  like 
the  Holy  Land  ? " 

Canandaigua  is  an  old  place — one  of  the  oldest  places  on 
record,  in  flict.  It  could  not  help  arriving  at  this  distinction, 
I  imagine,  since,  being  on  the  Auburn  branch  of  the  JS^ew 
York  Central  road,  it  naturally  got  to  be  pretty  old  before 
any  one  starting  from  the  East  could  get  out  to  it  to  settle. 
The  Auburn  State  Prison  is  situated  on  this  same  branch, 
and  the  beginning  of  a  convict's  term  of  punishment  is  dated 
from  the  time  he  leaves  Syracuse.  This  is  only  righteous, 
lor  traveling  on  the  branch  road  is  much  worse  than  solitary 
confinement,  and  were  the  time  between  Syracuse  and 
Auburn  not  taken  into  account,  it  would  amount  to  a  very 
considerable  extension  of  the  sentence.  When  St.  Paul 
remarked,  in  his  light  way,  that  'tis  better  to  marry  than  to 
go  to  Auburn,  he  probably  had  some  premonition  of  this 
branch  road,  or  certainly  he  would  have  favored  the  alter- 
native. 

It  is  difficult  to  persuade  the  conductor  to  take  you  beyond 
Aul^nrn,  where  the  state  prison  happens  to  be  located.  On 
reaching  that  station,  three  or  four  brakemcn  poke  tlieir 
heads  in  at  the  doors  and  shout  its  name  vociferously — this 
is  the  first  sign  of  life  and  enterprise  that  you  have  noticed 


234  POETRY  OF  THE  LAKE. 

about  the  train.     If  you  sit  still  tlie  conductor  bestirs  him- 
self and  approaches  you,  remarking  pointedly  : — 

"  This  is  Auburn,  sir !  " 

If  you  receive  the  information  unconcernedly  and  without 
manifesting  any  intention  of  getting  off,  he  requests  to  see 
your  ticket  again,  and  on  finding  that  it  does  not  empower 
him  to  put  you  off,  betrays  considerable  agitation  and  regret. 
When  he  passes  you  thereafter,  you  notice  visible  symptoms 
of  trouble  on  his  countenance  ;  it  is  plain  that  he  is  debating 
with  himself  Avhether  or  not  he  is  responsible  if  you  escape. 
And  the  only  thing  that  seems  to  solace  him  is  the  one  fact, 
on  which  he  falls  back  with  the  blissful  serenity  observable  in 
a  Christian  who  knows  that  the  neighbor  whose  hens  scratch 
up  his  green  peas  is  not  one  of  the  elect,  viz.,  that  you  must 
go  where  you're  ticketed  to,  and  cannot  escape  traveling  on 
this  branch  road. 

One  of  the  greatest  beauties  of  Canandaigua  is  the  lake, 
at  whose  foot  the  village  nestles.  The  main  street,  beginning 
on  an  elevation  a  mile  or  so  back,  leads  down  to  this  lake  by 
a  gentle  slope,  giving  rise  to  the  remark  by  some  poet  that 
"it  begins  in  heaven  and  ends  in  a  sheet  of  silver." 

Now  it  will  be  useless  for  any  reader  who  may  visit  this 
village  to  attempt  to  impose  this  poetical  idea  as  his  own 
upon  even  the  youngest  of  the  young  ladies,  for  all  are 
familiar  with  it,  and  will  quote  it  to  you  on  the  first  oppor- 
tunity which  presents  itself.  If  you  desire  to  be  original, 
however,  the  avenue  is  not  entirely  shut  off,  for  the  sky  is 
occasionally  mixed  and  the  color  of  the  lake  changes  con- 
stantly ;  giving  you  an  opportunity  at  odd  times  to  remark 
that  the  street  looks  as  though  it  didn't  begin  anywhere  in 
particular,  and  ended  in  a  sheet  of  greenbacks.  Or  you  can 
locate  its  beginning  from  the  Orphan  Asylum,  situated  on  the 
crest  of  the  hill,  in  the  grounds  of  which  you  may  see 
an  orphan  of  ten  frisking  around  in  a  coat  and  trowsers 
which  were  evidently  constructed  for,  and  probably  bestowed 
in  charity,  by  some  orphan  of  fifty.  On  some  days  this  lake 
is  the  brightest,  most  bewitching  blue  you    can   imagine ; 


CHEAPNESS  OF  COUNTRY  LIVING.  235 

another   day  it  is  not  luucli  bluer  than  the   pure   Orange 
County  milk  which  one  gets  in  the  city. 

Canandaigua,  j  n\  must  know,  is  noted  for  having  pro- 
duced the  only  temperance  governor  and  the  largest  brewery 
ever  known  in  the  state.  In  this  conjunction  we  have  a 
striking  exhibition  of  how  one  thing  offsets  another  in  com- 
munities. Good  Gov.  Clark  circulates  around  among  the 
old  soakers  in  a  benevolent  way,  telling  them  how  it  is 
written  that  they  must  not  look  upon  the  wine  when  it  is 
red  ;  and  after  listening  attentively  they  borrow  a  few  dollars 
of  him  to  begin  reformation  on,  and  then  go  down  to  the 
brewerv  and  get  blind  drunk  on  white  beer. 

One  can  live  so  cheaply  and  comfortably  in  the  country 
that  I  wonder  anybody  ever  lives  in  the  city.  At  "  Sonnen- 
berg,"  for  instance,  they  have  all  the  conveniences,  of  a 
city  house.  Cherries,  jjlums,  pears,  peaches,  apples,  and 
grapes,  grow  luxuriantly  on  every  side  and  invite  you  to 
climb  and  eat — and  "  Eobin,"  the  dog,  stands  ready  to  grab 
you  by  the  seat  of  the  trowsers  if  you  do  either.  As  for 
early  vegetables,  their  quantity  and  quality  surprise  one  when 
he  knows  that  green  peas  do  not  actually  cost  the  proprietor 
more  than  a  cent  or  two  apiece  to  grow.  And  of  flowers 
there  are  sufficient  to  set  np  a  half-dozen  florists  in  trade  and 
run  their  shops  season  in  and  season  out.  In  one  geranium 
bed  there  are  3,129  plants — if  you  think  I  lie  about  it,  you 
are  at  perfect  liberty  to  go  out  there  and  count  them  for 
yourself. 

Then  there  is  a  nice  roomy  building  for  the  moral  drama 
and  charades  ;  and  in  another  part  of  the  grounds  you  And  a 
billiard  room  and  photographic  gallery.  The  ])roprietor,  by 
the  way,  has  the  reputation  of  being  the  best  "  dry  photo- 
grapher" in  the  United  States,  and  I  guess  he  is,  for  lie  pho- 
tograjjlis  a  good  deal  and  never  refuses  to  take  a  drink  when 
Gov.  Clark  asks  him.  And — if  you  will  l^elieve  me — the 
cost  of  the  whole  thing  was  but  little  over  $100,000 — 
$125,000,  perhaps. 

The  idea  of  a  crowded  population  living    in    tenement 


'23G  A  SUB -COUNTRY  SEAT. 

houses,  in  small,  hot,  ill-ventilated  rooms,  when  good,  free 
breathing  space  and  comparative  comfort  can  be  had,  as  I 
liave  just  illustrated,  in  the  country  !  The  idea  is  preposter- 
ous !  There  cannot  be  more  than  a  hundred  acres  attached 
to  this  little  Cottage,  and  yet  they  very  seldom  have  to  send 
down  to  the  city  for  vegetables,  the  neighbors  generally 
having  some  to  sell.  And  as  for  hay  and  oats  for  the  horses, 
there  are  farmers  in  plenty  near  at  hand  who  are  quite  willing 
— glad,  I  might  almost  say — to  supply  all  such  things  at  city 
prices. 

The  banks  of  Canandaigua  Lake  furnish  some  charming 
situations,  and  the  residents  of  the  village  have  sub-country 
seats,  as  'twere,  there.  At  these  the  most  frugal  simplicity 
prevails,  and  one  learns  how  little  is  really  necessary  to 
happiness.  "  Pine  Bank,"  an  accessory  after  the  fact  to 
Sonnenberg,  is  a  mere  cabin,  built  of  boards  and  containing 
a  good  many  rooms,  but  unlathed,  unplastered,  unpainted, 
and  uncarpeted.  When  the  proprietor  of  the  latter  Welshes 
to  place  himself  and  his  guests  face  to  face  with  nature  and 
get  a  chance  to  practice  on  the  French  horn,  he  retreats  to 
the  former. 

The  preparations  for  migration  are  very  simple ;  furniture 
is  already  there  in  abundance ;  it  is  only  necessary  to  pack 
up  sheets,  blankets,  table  linen,  china,  silver  and  provisions, 
buy  a  steamboat,  take  the  butler  and  two  or  three  servants 
along,  and  the  thing  is  done.  The  ride  is  a  most  enjoyable 
one,  particularly  in  early  October,  when  the  maples  are 
ablaze  on  the  hill-sides,  and  the  walnut  trees  putting  on 
their  fall  yellow,  glow  like  huge  buttercups.  Brilliant  ivy 
crawling  over  the  rocks  now  wreathes  the  tree  trunks  with 
living  flame ;  and  all  the  varying  colors,  interspersed  with 
the  emerald  of  the  evergreens,  make  a  rarer  piece  of  mosaic 
than  ever  human  hand  turned  out.  In  the  sparkling  cascades 
that  tuml)le  down  the  cliffs,  you  have  rivieres  of  the  purest 
water.  Nature  never  errs  in  the  arrangement  of  her  neck- 
laces and  breastpins. 

The  shores  of  the  lake  abound  with  wild  glens  where 


A  GOOD  GLEN  FOR  YOUR  MOTHER-IN-LAW.     037 

guests  may  stroll  and  climb  and  break  their  necks  at  their 
leisure,  I  remember  one  spot  ^vllere  any  mother-in-law, 
with  a  single  spark  of  romance  in  her  nature,  could  be  per- 
suaded to  walk  unsuspiciously,  and  where  she  would  get  a 
sure  fall  of  nearly  a  hundred  feet.  As  the  glen  might  be  pur- 
chased reasonably,  I  suggest  that  a  joint  stock  company  be 
formed  on  the  Tontine  plan — for  I  believe  it  is  by  the  Ton- 
tine system  that  the  survivor  alone  is  benefited.  I  will 
engineer  the  speculation  in  the  general  interests  of  humanity, 
and  for  a  sufficient  consideration  will  act  as  guide  to  the 
Fall. 

Oh,  tlie  beauty  of  those  moonlit  evenings  at  Pine  Bank, 
when  we  lashed  "The  Adirondack  Boat"  and  "The  Family 
Tub  "  together — two  boats  with  but  a  single  thwart — and 
floated  over  the  water,  our  oars  keeping  time  to  the  tinkling 
of  the  domestic  guitar  and  the  wild  melody  of  the  foreign 
horn.  Still  in  the  ear  of  memory  runs  "  The  Mill  in  the 
Valley  " :— 

A  golden  ring  she  gave  me, 

And  promised  to  be  true; 
I  took  the  ring  she  gave  me, 

And  pawned  it  with  a  Jew. 

Or  words  to  that  effect.  There  are  famous  echoes  on  the 
lake,  too.  One  evening  Thompson  piloted  us  to  one  ;  rest- 
ing on  our  oars  in  mid-channel,  he  drew  his  horn  from  its 
case  and  sounded  the  various  bugle  calls.  No  response  from 
the  rocks.  Another  round.  The  hills  M'ere  voiceless.  Yet 
again.     Not  a  sound  from  the  shores. 

"Surely  this  is  just  wiiere  the  echo  should  be,"  remarked 
he,  and  blew  a  tremendous  flourish.  Never  a  note  came 
back. 

"  W-h-y  d-o-n-t  y-o-u  a-n-s-w-e-r  ? "  he  shouted,  putting 
his  hands  to  his  lips  like  a  speaking  trumpet  and  hailing  the 
banks. 

"  'Cause  I'm  a  laying  here  for  black  ducks,  and  if  you 
don't  clear  out  with  that  cussed  tin  horn  of  yours,  I'll  slip  a 
pint  of  shot  into  you  !  "  was  the  return  of  the  shore ;  and  the 


23S  THE  ANSWER  TO  THE  CONUNDRUM. 

rushes  began  to  move  as  thoiigli  a  boat  were  shoving  ont. 

"We  returned  to  Pine  Bank;  but  Thompson  still  insists 
that  there's  an  echo  there  where  he  blew,  if  one  can  only  hit 
the  angles  right. 

Along  the  terraced  shores  of  Canandaigua  Lake,  and  es- 
pecially at  Naples — the  village  at  its  head — may  be  found 
the  greatest  fruit-growing  country  in  New  York  State. 
Grapes,  peaches,  and  pears  are  shipped  in  enormous  quanti- 
ties to  all  parts  of  the  Union. 

In  conversation  with  a  large  fruit-grower  (one  of  the 
Grangers,)  I  found  that  if  he  did  not  lind  it  necessary  to 
manufacture  all  the  grapes  which  he  raised  into  M^ine,  for  his 
own  consumption,  the  yield  of  his  vineyard  was  so  immense 
that  the  annual  profits  to  the  acre  would  show  a  sum  not 

falling  far   short  of ,  but  I  refuse  to  be  betrayed  into 

giving  any  useful  information,  agricultural  or  otherwise,  in 
this  writing.  If  any  man,  woman,  or  child  ever  derives  many 
solid  cubic  inches  of  information  from  me,  unless  I  set  out 
with  a  distinct  intention  of  imparting  moral  or  agricultural 
instruction,  I  shall  feel  that  I  have  dropped  something  I  did 
not  intend  to.  My  only  purpose  in  this  instance  was  to 
demonstrate  the  beauties  of  country  life  and  propound  the 
conundrum,  which  left  me  breathless ;  and  I  now  repeat : — 

"  Why  is  New  York  State  like  the  Holy  Land  ? " 

I  gave  it  up,  on  being  informed  that  it  was  not  because  it 
had  a  crooked  flew.  Then  tliev  told  me  it  was  because  it 
had  a  Canaan  in  it. 

"  But  it  has  no  Canaan  in  it,"  I  expostulated. 

"  No,"  they  said,  "  but  it  has  a  Canandaigua — and  you  can 
leave  the  '  daigua '  off." 

If  that  conundrum  is  old,  please  remember  that  I  brought 
it  over  the  Auburn  branch  of  the  New  York  Central  road. 
For  all  I  know,  some  one  eke  started  off  afoot  with  it.  If  I 
ever  again  get  hold  of  a  conundrum  of  that  kind  out  at 
Canandaigua,  I'll  hire  a  mule  team  and  bring  it  on  at  once, 
to  make  sure  of  freshness. 


CHAPTER  XXXYL 

IN    Wnicn    THE   AUTHOK   APPEAKS    AS    A    BANKRUPT. 

RETURNING  home  with  the  precious  conundrum  recited 
in  the  preceding  chapter,  we  found  it  very  pleasant, 
riding  leisurely  across  the  country,  and  i^eading  about  the 
panic.  The  foliage  was  just  changing,  and  I  called  Mrs. 
Paul's  attention  to  the  lesson  of  the  leaves,  eliciting  from  her 
a  quiet  but  sympathetic  pressure  of  the  hand,  and  the  remark 
that  she  got  a  good  many  ideas  about  her  fall  dresses  from 
them.  Then  I  turned  to  the  newspaper  again,  and  rather 
enjoyed  the  details  of  the  panic.  For  I  was  iniles  away  from 
it.  And  I  had  nothing  to  lose,  anyway,  had  it  been  next 
door.  It  did  not  seem  possible  that  the  panic  could  lessen 
my  enjoyments  or  interfere  with  my  comfort  in  the  slightest 
degree,  save  and  excepting  as  my  sympathy  would  naturally 
be  enlisted  in  behalf  of  suffering  friends.  But  sympathy  is 
something  which  I  never  withhold  from  those  in  trouble, 
whether  they  happen  to  be  friends  or  not ;  there's  nothing 
mean  about  me.  I  find,  too,  that  one  can  go  around  shedding 
sympathy  on  all  sides,  for  weeks  at  a  time,  without  spending 
a  cent  or  being  at  much  personal  inconvenience. 

That  I  could  be  an  actual  loser  by  the  panic  never  occurred 
to  mc  ;  it  didn't  seem  to  be  in  the  cards,  so  to  speak.  Well, 
on  getting  home  I  found  nigh  upon  a  bushel  of  bills  rushed 
in  on  mc.  The  butcher,  the  baker,  and  the  candle-stick- 
makcr,  all  wanted  their  accounts  liquidated  at  oncc^  Worst 
of  all,  my  tailor,  on  Avhom  I  had  confidently  counted  for  a 
new  suit  of  clothes,  sent  in  a  bill  as  long  as  your  arm.  In 
the  ordinary  course  of  events,  this  Avouid  not  have  come  in 

239 


240  WHAT  CAUSES  PANICS. 

till  the  first  of  January,  and  in  the  meanwhile  my  credit 
would  have  been  as  good  as  anybody's.  Looking  at  my 
position  now,  I  don't  see  that  it  differed  materially  from  that 
of  a  good  many  men  engaged  in  larger  businesses.*  I  could 
keep  agoing  as  long  as  the  tailor  and  my  various  other  trade 
connections  would  trust  me.  It  was  only  when  they  wanted 
their  pay  that  I  had  to  fail.  They  precipitated  the  evil  by 
their  senseless  behavior.  If  the  idiots  had  not  sent  in  their 
bills  I  should  still  be  trading  with  them — all  would  be  going 
on  smoothly. 

A  panic  is  simply  a  want  of  confidence,  brought  on  by 
finding  out  that  people  are  insolvent  sooner  than  is  convenient 
for  them — sooner  than  they  themselves  had  calculated  on. 
So  long  as  it  is  not  known  that  they're  insolvent,  every- 
thing's lovely.  If  nobody  wanted  pay,  there'd  be  no  panics. 
This  is  a  clearer  2:)roposition  by  far  than  the  cognate  one  that 
a  national  debt  is  a  national  blessing.  What  use,  then,  in 
beating  round  the  bush  and  devising  long-winded  plans  for 
preventing  panics  ?  Just  suppress  the  people  who  want  their 
pay,  and  you  hit  the  nail  square  on  the  head  at  once.  If  it 
w^ere  so  arranged  that  everybody  would  give  credit  to  every- 
body, that  goods,  instead  of  being  sold  on  time,  were  sold  on 
eternity,  there'd  be  no  panics,  and  financial  waters  would 
flow  as  rapidly  and  noiselessly  as  gravy  over  a  clean  table- 
cloth instead  of  with  the  gluck-gluck  that  comes  when  you 
try  to  get  buttermilk  out  of  a  half-empty  jug.  Creditors 
always  have  been  the  most  unreasonable  of  beings.  No 
wonder  that  it  is  coming  to  be  generally  believed  that  they 
have  no  rights  which  anybody  is  bound  to  respect. 

"When  I  was  in  business  some  years  ago  at  the  "West,  there 

*  The  proof-reader  queries  this  word  "businesses."  It  doesn't  look  quite 
right,  come  to  turn  it  round  and  talve  in  all  its  dips,  spurs,  and  angles;  but  as 
Saratoga  is  too  far  away  for  me  to  consult  Johnson's  Dictionary  very  handily, 
I've  concluded  to  let  it  go.  We  say  'tis  singular  when  a  man  minds  his  own 
business;  when  he  minds  some  one  else's  too  is  it  not  plural?  Does  that  not 
make  two  businesses  that  he's  busy  with?  Businesses — b-u-s-i-n-e-s-s-e-s — 
marry,  'tis  not  as  wide  as  a  church  door,  nor  as  deep  as  a  well,  nor  as  handsome 
as  they  sometimes  make  'cm,  but  'twill  serve. 


MY  CHICAGO  CREDITOR.  241 

came  a  crisis,  and  everybody  suspended.  I,  too,  hung  up 
my  harp  among  the  willows — I  had  almost  written  it  will 
owes;  but  humanity  prevailed.  A  lumber  merchant  in 
Chicago,  with  whom  I  had  some  little  deal,  after  writing 
numerous  letters,  to  all  of  which  I  replied  with  scrupulous 
politeness,  at  last  went  to  the  expense  of  coming  on  to  see 
me  personally.  He  stepped  into  my  office  in  an  irate  man- 
ner: — 

"Mr.  Paul,  I  must  have  the  money.  I  owe  a  great  deal, 
and  my  creditors  are  dunning  me  every  day  !" 

"  Very  properly  they  may,"  I  replied ;  "  why  in  thunder 
don't  you  pay  them  ?" 

"  Because  other  people  won't  pay  me,"  he  shouted,  bring- 
ing his  iist  down  on  the  table  and  making  the  inkstand  jump. 

"  That  is  just  the  reason  I  don't  pay  you,"  I  mildly  made 
answer.  He  returned  to  Chicago  convinced,  if  not  satisfied, 
and  I  rather  think  got  an  idea  in  his  head  which  was  worth 
all  the  journey. 

To  return  from  this  little  digression,  it  sometimes  occurs 
to  me  that  perhaps  too  many  are  trying  to  be  middle  men. 
If  I  raised  potatoes  and  another  man  raised  corn,  or  I  made 
hats  and  another  man  made  boots,  I  could  buy  of  him  on 
credit,  and  he  could  buy  of  me  on  the  same  terms;  and  if 
my  need  of  his  goods  about  equaled  his  need  of  mine,  and 
there  were  no  difference  in  prices,  it  wouldn't  make  much 
matter  how  long  settling  day  was  put  off.  But  if  I  and 
t'other  man  try  to  make  a  living  by  trading  jack-knives 
with  each  other,  and  run  in  debt  all  the  M-hile  for  our 
board  and  clothes,  some  one  must  suffer  when  accounts  come 
to  be  handed  in  all  round.  Is  it  not  about  time  that  a  good 
many  gentlemen  began  to  think  seriously  of  going  to  work 
and  doing  something?  For  we  can't  all  be  merchants  and 
bankers  and  brokers  and  dealers  in  real  estate.  There's  a 
good  deal  of  square  work  to  l)e  done  about  a  country,  and 
some  one's  got  to  do  it  I 

But  it  is  not  my  intontion  to  wade  very  deep  into  political 
economy  just  now.     Some  day,  ])erhaps,  I'll  strip  myself  for 

"iG 


243  DISASTROUS  EFFECT  OF  THE  PANIC  ON  ME. 

it,  and  then  you'll  see  what  a  great  mind  you've  been  fooling 
with  all  this  while  ;  at  this  writing  my  business  is  with  facts, 
and  not  with  theories.     As  I  was  saying,  though  I  had  not 
been  worth  a  cent  for  some  years  past,  and  had  flattered  m.y- 
self  that  I  could  by  no  possibility  lose  by  this  crisis,  the  insa- 
tiable rabble  "  failed  "  me  the  very  day  that  I  arrived  home. 
•  "What  man  or  what  men,  what  firm  or  what  infirm,  what 
individual  or  what  nation,  could  stand  a  "  run  "  if  he  or  it 
had  nothing  to  pay  with  ?     I  ask  this  in  trumpet  tones.     As 
a  matter  of  course  I  had  to  fail.     And  I  glory  in  it.     That 
my  creditors  will  get  nothing  causes  me  very  little  regret, 
for  it  was  simply  their  absurd  action  that  caused  my  suspen- 
sion.    And  the  losses  which  they  brought  to  my  door,  the 
sacrifices  entailed  upon  me  by  their  stupidity,  are  direful. 
My  credit  would  have  been  good  for  several  months'  wear 
and  tear  had  they  refrained  from  the  fatal  run.     I  lost  by 
this  panic  a  chinchilla  overcoat,  velvet  trimmed,  on  which  I 
counted  to  a  certainty.     As  it  was,  I  sent  my  linen  duster  to 
an  obscure  tailor  in  the  suburbs  to  have  a  fur  collar  put  to  it 
for  the  winter ;  and  having  heard  that  there  is  warmth  in 
newspapers,  that  they  make  an  excellent  substitute  for  bed- 
clothes, I  ordered  it  lined  with  supplements,  so  that  when 
called  to  join  the  innnmerable  caravans  that  move  on  to  the 
shadowy   realms   of  Newspaper   Square   every  morning,  I 
might  wrap  the  drapery  of  my  Evangelical  Alliance  about 
me,  slap   a  chip  hat  on  my  head,  and  sit  me   down  in  the 
silent  horse-cars  to  scientific  dreams ! 

These  wretched  moths  !  I  was  in  sad  need  of  a  dress-coat, 
too.  There  was  my  old  one  on  which  I  counted  so  confidently 
always,  made  nearly  twenty -five  years  since,  but  again  the 
correct  thing  by  the  rotations  of  fashion.  I  only  wore  it  at 
weddings  and  funerals,  and  it  spoke  well  for  the  habits  of 
my  friends  that  I  had  occasion  for  it  but  seldom.  Hastily 
called  on  the  other  day  to  perform  the  last  sad  ofiices  for  a 
friend  who  was  about  going  to  that  undiscovered  country 
from  which  no  bachelor  returns,  I  got  it  out.  The  moths 
had  eaten  ofi"  one  of  the  tails  !     Now  I  don't  like  dress-coats 


siss..  v>^  '>  //''sr-rr 


AN   OH)  FRIEMl). 


WHY  I  DATE  FROM  HOBOKEX.  243 

and  do  not  feel  at  ease  in  them.  I  have  a  feeling  of  being  a 
sort  of  whittled  down  when  I  get  one  on, — yon  know  what  I 
mean,  a  feeling  as  thongh  one  had  lost  something.  This 
coat  in  particular  I  didn't  like,  and  had  often  wished  it  in  a 
place  qnite  the  opposite  of  that  where  it  is  said  that  moths 
do  not  corrupt ;  hut  I  was  really  vexed  to  find  it  ruined. 
Not  so  much  for  tlie  value  of  the  coat,  understand,  as  because 
of  the  impossibility  of  getting  another.  By  a  tacit  under- 
standing with  my  tailor  you  see  I  was  always  expected  to 
pay  for  the  old  suit  before  getting  a  new  one.  Tliis  enabled 
both  parties  to  start  in  fresh,  and  gave  me  a  little  start.  But 
this  panic  interfered  with  even  the  oldest  financial  arrange- 
ments. 

You  see  that  I  date  from  Hoboken.  The  main  reason  for 
this  is  1  am  living  in  lloboken.  I  sought  these  classic  shades 
where  the  lively  clatter  of  beer-glasses  is  only  broken  at  mid- 
night by  a  shrill  shriek  for  the  police,  that  I  might  be  beyond 
the  reach  of  the  proud  oppressor.  And  the  first  day  I  stepped 
on  the  ferry-boat,  to  bury  myself  in  the  bosom  of  my  far 
and  free  home,  I  was  confronted  by  my  tailor!  I  never 
make  advances  to  any  one.  If  a  man  wishes  to  cultivate  my 
acquaintance  he  must  speak  first.     This  tailor  did. 

"  I  sent  you  your  bill  some  time  since,  Mr.  Paul,"  he 
remarked.  To  which  I  replied  that  I  was  obliged  to  him  for 
thinkiTig  of  me ;  that  I  would  do  as  much  for  him  if  ever 
opportunity  offered. 

But  he  ]»ursucd  the  conversation,  and  asked  why  T  did  not 
do  anything  about  it. 

"What  would  you  have  me  do?"  I  asked,  mildly  but 
lirmly,  for  it  is  always  better  to  humor  lunatics. 

"  Why,  seud  the  bill  to  be  receipted,"  he  said. 

Now,  did  you  ever  liear  such  midsummer  madness  in  mid- 
autumn  ?  I  looked  upon  him  pityingly,  not  in  scorn,  under- 
stand, not  in  anger,  for  I  am  slow  to  wrath,  as  well  as  slow 
to  ])ay  ;  never  allowing  my  naturally  hasty  teirip(H-  to  lead  me 
to  do  anything  so  injudicious  as  paying  quickly.  And  I 
remarked : — 


244  MY  TAILOR  ALSO  RESIDES  IN  HOBOKEN. 

"  I  will  send  you  these  breeches  to  be  reseated,  sir :  these 
which  I  have  on.  If  jon  look  with  a  critical  eye,  you  will 
notice  that  when  the  zephyr  toys  with  the  plain  unvarnished 
tail  of  that  coat  which  you  pressed  upon  me  in  a  moment  of 
too  happy  confidence,  breaches  are  revealed  which  need 
repair — the  pair  do.  Sliding  over  the  granite  hills  of  Massa- 
chusetts, sitting  on  the  beach  of  Canandaigua  Lake  where 
the  pebbles  principally  have  jagged  edges,  the  teeth  of  the 
Soniienberg  dog — all  have  done  their  reprehensible  work,  sir. 
And  these  breeches  stand  more  in  need  of  receijjting  than 
does  your  bill,  sir." 

And  I  bowed  and  said  good-morning  to  the  gentleman.  I 
never  did  like  to  be  interviewed,  and  a  minute  is  enough  to 
give  to  any  man  ;  ergo^  six  seconds  and  six-ninths  of  a  second 
enough  to  give  to  any  tailor.  lie  did  not  seem  to  half  like 
what  1  said,  but  if  there  is  anything  in  mental  arithmetic, 
no  blame  attaches  to  my  skirts  ;  why  did  he  "  fail "  a  fellow  % 
If  he  hadn't  joined  in  the  run  he  wouldn't  have  found 
out  that  he  couldn't  get  his  money  and  still  would  be 
reckoning  my  little  bill  among  his  good  assets.  And  if 
the  world  had  come  to  an  end  in  the  meanwhile  he  would 
have  been  happy  to  the  end  and  just  as  well  off  now.  But 
who  would  have  thou2:ht  of  meeting  his  tailor  on  a  Iloboken 
ferry-boat?  Just  my  luck,  though.  And  come  to  find  out 
he  lives  in  Iloboken.  There  are  certain  dispensations  of 
Providence  which  it  is  useless  to  attempt  to  guard  against 
unless  one  can  resolutely  make  up  his  mind  to  live  in  Gowan- 
us.  I  don't  think  any  tailor  with  an  adequate  sense  of  what 
he  owed  to  the  conmiunity  could  bring  himself  to  live  there, 
no  matter  how  much  individual  residents  were  owing  him. 
And  I  am  going  to  Gowanus. 

You  see,  though,  how  I  stand  reverses.  The  clothes  on 
which  I  counted  for  the  wnnter  were  gone.  But  I  did  not 
despair.  I  was  not  disheartened,  the  story  of  Bruce  and  the 
spider  was  fresh  in  my  recollection,  and  1  was  buoyed  up  by 
the  hope  that  I  might  yet  succeed  in  sticking  some  other 
tailor.     Other  men  have  met  with  reverses  equal  to  mine, 


A  LITTLE  SELF  -  VINDICATION.  245 

time  after  time,  yet  have  struggled  on,  and  by  persistently 
keeping  one  object  in  view  have  finally  succeeded  in  getting 
a  good  living  and  died  rolling  in  debt.  I  expect  to  resume 
and  go  on  if  I  can  only  find  other  people  who  are  willing  to 
trust.     On  some  street  I  have  seen  a  sign. 


G.D.  HAPPY,  TAILOR. 


The  idea  occurred  to  me,  Would  that  tailor  be  so  G.  D. 
Happy,  if  I  transferred  my  trade  to  him?  Only  time 
can  tell.  In  the  meanwhile  1  set  about  trying  to  effect  a 
"  pooling "  arrangement  with  some  one  who  was  perfectly 
able  to  pay  for  his  clothes — and  did.  This  idea  I  borrowed 
from  the  united  action  of  banks  that  stood  in  a  position  not 
far  removed  from  mine. 

This  may  seem  light  and  trifling  on  my  part.  But  I  have 
an  object  in  view.  1  wish  to  make  it  plain  to  the  public  that 
I  did  not  fail  because  I  wanted  to  ;  that  no  business  misman- 
agement can  be  laid  to  my  charge,  insomuch  as  my  suspen- 
sion was  only  caused  by  the  single  fact  that  I  happened  to 
be  owing  a  good  deal  more  than  I  could  pay ;  that  it  was 
only  a  stupid,  senseless,  idiotic,  chowder-headed,  and  wholly 
absurd  "  run  "  that  broke  me ;  and  that  I  mean  to  act  honor- 
abl}'-,  and  resume  and  go  on,  if  I  can  find  any  new  customers 
— if  I  can  find  any  tradesmen  who  want  a  new  customer,  I 
mean. 

They  told  me  down  town  that  Commodore  Vandcrbilt, 
Russell  Sage,  Daniel  Drew,  Jay  Gould,  John  Tracy — all  the 
\i\^  "manipulators" — were  nearly  broken.  1  regretted  to 
hear  it.  To  know  that  they  are  not  entirely  so  is  a  dash  of 
bitterness  in  my  cup,  which  I  scarce  think  I  deserved  after 
all  I  have  gone  through  on  my  own  account.  For  years  these 
noble  representatives  of  the  green  board — if  ever  there  was 
a  green  board  it  is  certainly  this  Stock  Exchange  Board 
— have  divided  their  time  between  "watering"  and  "milk- 
ing."    Not  satisfied  with  ruining  the  small  operators  of  tho 


246        ^  GOOD  WORD  FOR  COMMODORE  VANDERBILT. 

street,  whose  money  has  gone  to  feed  their  greed,  they  have 
ruined  the  roads  under  their  control,  multiplying  stock  and 
scrip  while  adding  no  real  value  to  the  property,  until  a  doub- 
ling of  the  currency  of  the  country  would  not  meet  the  need 
made  by  their  unwarranted  issues. 

The  interests  of  stockholders  have  in  no  case  been  repre- 
sented or  cared  for.  Every  road  has  been  run  as  thongli  AVall 
Street  were  its  beginning  and  its  terminus — as  though  nothing 
was  to  be  carried  by  it  but  their  own  selfish  ends.  And  if, 
after  sowing  so  much  wind  and  water,  they  at  last  reap  the 
w^hirlwind  and  the  deluge,  who  shall  sympathize  with  them  ? 
who  shall  cry  nay  ?  To  see  their  colossal  hulls  lying  stranded 
on  the  same  rocks  where  they  have  piloted  and  piled  iij)  little 
craft  without  number,  I  would  cross  from  Hoboken  or 
Brooklyn  any  day,  and  lunch  at  one  of  the  down-town 
dairies ! 

It  is  usual  to  make  Commodore  Vanderbilt  an  exception, 
and  speak  praisefully  of  the  manner  in  which  his  roads  are 
run.  How  are  they  run  ?  So  as  to  produce  large  dividends 
on  doubled  and  trebled  stock,  it  is  true,  but  at  the  expense 
of  the  country  which  they  penetrate  and  the  victims  whom 
they  stick.  Commodore  Yanderbilt's  control  of  the  Hudson 
Kiver  Railroad  has  set  and  kept  Westchester  County  back 
twenty  years.  The  residents  along  the  line  of  his  roads  are 
considered  by  him  simply  as  tributaries  to  his  treasury. 
How  the  most  may  be  gotten  out  of  them  and  the  least 
given  in  return  is  the  sole  problem  which  has  agitated  his 
venerable  scalp  for  years. 

In  no  respect  does  he  keep  his  roads  up  to  the  require- 
ments of  the  age.  Cars,  engines,  and  stations — the  whole 
equipment  of  his  vaunted  properties — may  generally  be 
written  down  as  a  disgrace  to  civilization.  As  he  I'an  steam- 
ships so  runs  he  railroads.  The  line  which  of  old  he  main- 
tained— or  rather  forced  the  traveling  public  to  maintain — 
between  New  York  and  Aspinwall  had,  for  dirt  and  discom- 
fort, but  few  parallels  in  the  navies  of  the  world,  and  is 
still  remembered  with  hot  curses  by  Californians.     "When  he 


THE  "  GOOD  WORD  "  BECOMES  A  SENTENCE.  24T 

at  last  gave  his  steamers  up  they  were  fit  only  to  be  broken 
up.  And  when  Providence  finally  reaches  for  the  Commo- 
dore, and  he  is  summoned  to  go  where  the  question  of  broad 
and  narrow  gauge  will  perhaps  not  be  left  wholly  to  his 
own  option,  it  will  be  fonnd,  I  apprehend,  that  the  rolling 
stock  of  his  roads  needs  nearly  complete  renewal. 

If  instead  of  doublino^  his  stocks  and  doubling  the  divi- 
dends  thereon  he  had  met  the  requirements  of  the  traveling 
public  in  some  respects  ;  given  them  cleanliness  instead  of 
filth,  decency  instead  of  the  other  thing,  safe  transportation 
instead  of  traveling  made  hazardous  by  niggardly  economy 
in  the  matter  of  switch  and  signal  men,  established  reason- 
able rates  of  commutation  and  convenient  trains  instead  of 
charges  and  time-tables  which  have  driven  the  proper  popu- 
lation of  New  York  State  over  into  New  Jersey — had  he 
done  all,  aye,  or  any,  a  few  even  of  these  things,  then  might 
Commodore  Yanderbilt  be  called,  if  not  a  railroad  king,  at 
least  a  railroad  man,  entitled  to  the  esteem  and  good-will  of 
other  men. 

As  it  is,  he  simply  stands  an  example  of  avarice  to  be 
shunned,  of  selfishness  to  bo  execrated,  and  if  by  any  of  the 
riirhteous  mutations  of  Fortune  his  wealth  were  to  shrirdc 
and  crumble  into  nothingness,  so  far  from  words  of  symjiathy 
and  commiseration  falling  upon  his  prehensile  ears,  even  his 
satellites  would  turn  contemptuous  backs  upon  him,  and  join 
in  tiie  universal  verdict  that  it  but  served  him  right. 

Fur  ray  part,  I  have  never  felt  read}'^  to  accede  very  hearty 
admiration  to,  or  hold  up  as  a  model  for  the  rising  youth  of 
a  Christian  generation,  a  godless  old  man  whose  whole  })ur- 
suit  in  life  has  been  the  advancement  of  self,  irrespective  of 
the  woe  which  the  consummation  of  his  plans  worked  uj)on 
others.  Kor  have  I  ever  felt  it  necessary  to  hand  in  my 
allegiance  to  the  far-seeing  business  capacity  whicli  localeil  ;i 
great  freight  depot  a  mile  or  two  away  from  the  water's  edge 
and  ])lanted  a  gigantic  passenger  de])ot  in  a  narrow  and 
cramped  space  in  the  dwelling  part  of  the  city,  against  the 
remonstrance   of  thousands  of  ])roperty  liolders  whose  lives 


248  SELLING  AND  BEING  SOLD. 

and  interests  were  thus  imperiled.  When  the  destruction 
of  life  wliich  the  red  demons  under  his  control  have  wrought, 
in  consequence  of  his  obstinacy  in  the  location  of  that  depot, 
is  taken  into  account,  I  scarce  think  that  I  would  care  to 
assume  the  account,  unless  it  showed  more  of  a  "  credit  bal- 
ance "  than  I  can  now  figure  out  for  it. 

We  laugh  periodically  at  the  story  of  the  Frenchman  who 
went  home  one  night  and  told  his  wife  how  he  had  doubled 
his  fortune  that  day  by  simpl}^  marking  up  the  goods  which 
lay  on  his  shelves.  Yet  we  have  witnessed  this  same  re- 
markable method  of  increasing  wealth  go  on,  under  our  very 
eyes,  for  years  past,  without  so  much  as  a  smile.  It  worked 
very  well  while  the  goods  lay  there  and  were  counted  in 
assets  at  prices  marked,  but  now  that  an  attempt  has  been 
made  to  sell  them,  there's  a  different  look  to  it. 

When  goods  come  to  be  sacrificed  under  the  hammer,  it 
rather  looks  as  though  a  trip-hammer  were  at  work  on  them. 
And  at  the  auction  of  the  old  pots,  kettles  and  such,  which 
formed  the  bulk  of  my  estate,  'twas  a  trip-hannner  indeed, 
for  a  trip  out  of  the  country  became  immediately  imperative 
when  the  result  was  reached. 

Do  not  think  that  I  have  no  sympathy  for  those  who 
failed.  For  I  have.  But  my  sympathy  for  the  few  is  lost, 
wlielmed,  merged,  in  my  sympathy  for  the  many — the  many 
who  had  money  to  lose.  The  widows,  orphans,  and  confiding 
congregations,  for  instance,  who  invested  their  little  all  in 
the  bonds  of  some  chimerical  railroad  because  they  saw  them 
advertised  in  religious  papers,  and  the  promoter  of  the  enter- 
prise was  a  church  member  in  good  standing ;  because  it  was 
demonstrated  to  them  by  specious  advertisements  with  some- 
thing approaching  to  Gospel  solemnity  and  accuracy  that  the 
interest  was  greater  than  on  Government  bonds,  and  that  the 
securities  were  equally  safe ;  because  a  great,  and  good,  and 
pious  financial  mind  advised  such  investment — the  selling  out 
of  their  good  5-20s  and  the  purchase  of  these  damnable 
ll-Ms  ! 

When  memory  runs  back  to  these  advertisements,  I  think 


WHY  I  DO  NOT  GUSH  MORE.  049 

of  the  placard  outside  the  side-show  of  a  circus,  where  a  man 
stands  at  the  door,  and  explains  to  the  women  and  children 
that  the  outside  picter  is  nothing  to  what  they  will  see  if 
they'll  please  step  inside  and  revel  in  the  sight  of  the  Blessed 
Original,  much  larger  than  he's  painted,  a  singin'  psalms, 
likewise  merry  glees,  and  a  performin'  beautiful  upon  the 
'arp. 

I  do  not  wish  to  be  unkind  nor  unjust,  but  merely  to 
demonstrate  why  my  sympathy  doesn't  bubble  up  and  gush 
out  and  gurgle  forth  and  splutter  over  the  few  individuals 
who  have  lost  money — that  belongs  to  others.  And  now 
having  let  off  a  conscientious  blast,  I  can  retire  to  my  vir- 
tuous couch  and  enjoy  the  sleep  of  the  just,  much  relieved, 
like  any  other  wind  instrument. 


CllAPTER  XXXVII. 

WHICH  GOES  WAY  BACK  TO  BLACK  FKIDAY. 

THIS  panic,  which  in  addition  to  much  other  suffering  pre-  . 
cipitated  the  preceding  chapter  upon  the  human  race, 
brin2;s  Black  Friday — some  of  which  1  saw  and  much  of 
which  I  rejoice  to  say  I  wasn't, — vividly  to  mind,  and  also 
affords  an  opportunity  of  working  up  a  little  old  material, 
of  which  1  at  once  avail  myself.  That  there  was  a  break 
in  gold  one  memorable  Friday,  most  men  know ;  but  the 
cause  of  the  break  has  never  been  very  generally  understood. 
At  this  distance  of  time,  and  as  I  violate  no  confidence  in 
unbosoming  myself,  there  can  be  no  impropriety  in  satisfy- 
ing the  public  mind  on  that  point. 

The  fact  of  it  is,  I  threw  my  gold  on  the  market.  The 
bulls  were  not  expecting  this  movement,  neither  were  the 
bears, — neither  was  1,  for  that  matter.  But  great  men  break 
out  on  extraordinary  occasions  without  showing  many  pre- 
monitory symptoms. 

It  was  very  evident  at  an  early  hour,  Friday  morning,  that 
something  must  be  done.  There  sat  Boutwell,  at  Washing- 
ton, like  a  bump  on  a  log,  and  wouldn't  do  a  thing.  I  tele- 
graphed him,  and  prepaid  the  dispatch.  My  telegram  too, 
was  endorsed  by  the  men  whose  names  are  indispensable  to 
the  slightest  movement  of  the  metropolitan  bowels.  To  be 
sure  and  get  them  right,  I  just  cut  a  string  from  the  prospec- 
tus of  a  new  scheme  for  tunneling  the  Jersey  marshes  as  the 
readiest  means  of  securing  quick  transit  to  the  upper  end 
of  New  York,  and  pasted  them  on  the  back  of  my  dispatch : 
W.  M.  Vermilye,  Elliot  C.  Cowdin,  Cyrus  Fickb  Wm.  But- 

250 


MY  TELEGRAxM  TO  SECRETARY  BOUT  WELL.  251 

ler  Duncan,  Peter  Cooper,  S.  L.  M.  Barlow,  Sheppard  Knapp, 
George  Opdyke,  etc.  etc.;  thej  were  all  there. 

These  prominent  members  of  society  joined  me,  as  has 
been  explained,  in  telegraphing  Boutwell  to  sell  his  con- 
founded gold  and  keep  us  no  longer  in  suspense.  And,  as 
already  intimated,  none  of  them  shared  in  the  preliminary 
expenses.  The  Secretary  replied  by  letter  that  he  had  none 
to  sell.     I  telegraphed  back : — 

"  That's  a  lie,  but  I'll  lend  you  some.  Or  you  can  bor- 
row a  little  from  one  of  the  sj)eciai  agents  of  the  Treasury." 

Instead  of  thanking  me,  he  sent  word  through  the  custom 
house  that  he  declined  my  ofier, — alleging  as  his  chief  rea- 
son that  he  did  not  know  what  the  borrow  might  bring  forth. 
I  asked  Mr.  Murphy,  who  is  commonly  supposed  to  know 
all  the  insides  of  the  administration,  if  the  secretary  of  the 
treasury  had  a  cold,  or  simply  went  back  on  the  Bible  in 
that  way  because  he  was  a  cabinet  officer.  Mr.  Murphy  said 
he  didn't  know  exactly ;  the  naval  collector  had  left  no 
definite  instructions  about  it,  and  he  found  no  precedent  of 
the  custom  in  such  cases,  in  the  records  of  the  customs  ;  but 
he  thought  he  might  venture  to  say  that  at  last  reports  from 
Washington  the  secretary  of  the  treasury  was  aBout  well. 
Plainly  enough  there  was  little  or  nothing  to  be  done  with 
such  idiots  as  these,  so  1  determined  to  sell  my  gold. 

With  a  view  to  some  contingency  of  this  kind,  I  had  for 
the  past  six  weeks  been  converting  my  insecurities  and  a  con- 
siderable amount  of  fractional  currency  into  gold,  and  at 
once  precipitated  this  amount  on  the  market.  Imagine  the 
effect !  No  news  of  what  1  contemplated  had  leaked  out,  and 
the  result  was  startliniz;.  Gold  went  down  so  fast  that  the 
only  ones  who  could  catch  it  were  those  who  started  on  some 
hours  before  and  were  standing  under;  they  caught  it — 
bad.  The  country  was  saved.  What  did  it  matter  that  /  was 
ruined?  The  man  who  wouldn't  ruin  himself  every  day  of 
his  life  for  his  country's  sake,  and  get  up  in  the  night  to  do 
it,  if  necessary,  doesn't  deserve  office ! 

An  eminent  merchant  took  me  one  side.     '-John  Paul," 


252  APPROACHED  BY  A  LEADING  MERCHANT. 

said  he,  "  I'm  proud  of  you.     Can  I  call  you  countryman  of 
mine — in  short,  are  you  a  Scotchman  ?  " 

"  Ko,"  I  replied,  "  but  between  you,  me  and  the  post,  I 
have  played  on  the  Scotch  fiddle  in  early  youth." 

"  That  amounts  to  the  same  thing,"  said  he,  a  pleasant 
smile  breaking  over  his  benevolent  countenance.  "  Let  me 
do  something  for  you.     Let  me  take  you  into  my  house." 

"As  partner?"  I  asked,  thinking  that  in  that  event  I 
might  be  induced  by  vigorous  persuasion  to  resign  my  proud 
position  as  president  of  the  Adding  Machine  company,  and 
descend  to  dry-goods. 

"  ISTo,"  replied  he,  "as  clerk.  Salary  $600  a  year,  no  tur- 
key talked  at  Thanksgivings,  and  an  agreement  that  you  can 
leave  or  be  discharged  at  any  time  without  notice.  No  bun- 
dles can  be  carried  out  of  the  store  by  any  of  the  employes 
under  any  circumstances,  and  each  must  submit  to  be  searched 
every  evening  before  leaving,  by  a  special  policeman.  Hours 
from  seven  in  the  morning  to  seven  at  night,  ten  minutes  for 
refreshments  at  noon  time.  These  are  the  invariable  rules 
of  my  establishment.  I  may  as  well  add  in  this  connection 
that  I  never  give  certificates  of  character  or  recommendations 
to  persons  leaving  my  employment." 

"Mr.  Merchant,"  said  I,  "on  the  whole  I  don't  think  I'll 
hire  out." 

For  all  my  independence  in  talking  with  my  old  friend, 
however,  I  felt  a  little  down  in  the  mouth.  It  was  not  quite 
clear  to  my  mind  that  Grant  had  settled  down  in  Washing- 
ton for  the  winter,  and  I  didn't  know  but  that  I'd  have  more 
of  his  traveling  expenses  to  pay. 

So  I  went  down  into  Wall  Street  to  see  if  I  could  pick  up 
any  money.  It  seemed  to  me  that  where  so  much  had  been 
lost,  there  must  be  a  little  lying  round  promiscuously. 

Ah,  the  scene  that  Wall  Street  presented  that  Saturday 
morning !  The  dead  and  wounded  lay  thick  as  leaves  in 
Yallambrosa.  Lame  ducks  are  bad  enough,  but  out  and  out 
dead  ones,  after  a  day  or  two  come  to  be  in  very  bad  odor. 

Those  unhurt  were  terribly  frightened,  and  ghastly  faces 


SYMPATHY  FOR  SUFFERING  HUMANITY.  £53 

glared  at  me  as  I  stepped  blithely  from  my  omnibus.  Tliey 
hiew  who  did  it ! 

Well,  I  had  no  regrets.  Fiends  in  human  shape,  who  con- 
spire to  put  gold  up  so  that  you  can't  touch  it  with  a  forty 
foot  pole,  deserve  no  better  fate.  Bloated  bond-holders, 
wealthy  aristocrats,  who  buy  railroads,  run  steamboats,  and 
have  napkins  on  their  tables  three  times  a  day — trample  on 
them !  But  I  sympathize  with  their  families,  many  of 
whom  when  the  day  of  misfortune  comes,  have  nothing  left 
but  a  million  or  so  of  dollars,  accidentally  set  aside  a  week 
previously.  Though  I  do  not  believe  in  intruding  private 
charity  where  public  relief  is  notoriously  ready  to  stand  back, 
I  would  almost  any  time  consent  to  make  a  sort  of  a  pot  of 
it,  and  share  the  last  cent  of  these  poor  families  without  a 
murmur. 

Than  "  Virtue  is  its  own  reward,"  nothing  truer  was  ever 
written.  It  has  no  reward  from  outside  sources,  and,  unfor- 
tunately, the  consciousness  of  well-doing  won't  buy  tight- 
legged  trowsers,  welsh  rabbits,  or  any  other  of  the  necessa- 
ries of  life.  Instance  in  point :  I  called  on  various  members  of 
the  gold  clique,  and  put  the  case  fairly — told  them  what  a 
service  I'd  done  the  country,  how  instrumental  I'd  been  in. 
breaking  gold,  and  represented  my  consequent  state  of  desti- 
tution, intimating  that  some  return  was  due  me,  and  that  I'd 
be  grateful  to  them  if  they'd  ]iut  me  in  the  way  of  turning 
an  honest  penny.  Oddly  enough  not  one  of  them  considered 
liimself  under  any  very  striking  obligations  to  me. 

Mr.  Gould  remarked  tliat  an  honest  penny  was  not  in  his 
way,  that  it  was  not  safe  fur  one  to  come  in  his  way,  that  he 
himself  M'ould  give  it  a  severe  turn  if  it  did  ;  and  Mr. 
Fisk  said  that  if  I  really  wanted  an  honest  penny  I  must  go 
to  Mr.  Tvvc:ed  fur  it.  I  inferviewed  other  parties,  brokers, 
old  friends  of  mine,  men  wlioiu  1  was  brought  up  with  and 
have  lent  money  to,  besides  giving  them  my  countenance — 
I  interviewed  them,  with  an  average  result  about  as  follows  : — 

"  What  do  you  want  of  us?"    would  be  asked  as  I  entered. 

"  To  buy  some  stocks  for  me." 


254:  DESIROUS  OF  TURNING  AN  HONEST  PENNY. 

"  Have  you  any  money  ?" 

"  Ham  I  any  money  f  Do  I  look  like  a  person  of  that 
character  ?  If  I  had,  do  you  think  I'd  come  down  here  with  it  T' 

"  Then  we  can't  do  anything  for  you." 

"  Can't,  eh?  What's  to  hinder  your  buying  me  any  stock 
that  looks  likely  to  go  up  twenty  or  thirty  per  cent,  at  the 
lowest,  letting  it  go  up,  selling  it  at  the  highest,  taking  out 
what  it  cost  and  your  commissions,  and  giving  me  tlie  bal- 
ance ?  I  don't  ask  you  to  give  me  any  money  beforehand, 
and  you  make  your  commissions  and  have  the  satisfaction  of 
doing  business  in  any  event." 

None  of  them  saw  the  profit  that  must  result  to  them  from 
this  thing,  w^hich  simply  shows  that  they  are  not  business 
men.  There's  not  a  woman  who  reads  this  article  but  can 
see  with  half  an  eye — unless  she  has  a  wall,  or  a  Wall  Street 
eye — that  they're  sure  to  make  commissions  if  the  stock  goes 
up,  and  have  it  on  hand  for  collateral  if  it  goes  down  ! 

One  of  the  parties  called  to  me  as  I  was  going  out : — 

"  Are  you  a  life  insurance  agent  ?  " 

"No." 

"  A  subscription-book  agent  ? " 

"No." 

"  Secretary  for  any  foreign  aid  society  ?  " 

"  No,  why  do  you  ask  ? " 

"  Because  I  thought  no  other  sort  of  a  man  could  have 
such  cheek." 

I  have  since  thought  he  meant  chic,  which  is  French  for 
style.  However,  notwithstanding  the  combination  to  crush 
me,  they  cannot  prevent  me  from  operating.  This  is  the 
way  I  do  it :  When  I  see  a  stock  which  I  think  is  going  up, 
I  enter  the  price  and  the  number  of  shares  I  M'ould  probably 
buy,  down  in  a  book.  If  it  goes  up,  I  can  calculate  the  profit 
to  a  nicety.  If  it  goes  down,  I  can  calculate  the  saving 
effected  by  not  buying,  so  you  see  I  have  a  sure  thing  either 
way.  Putting  both  sides  together,  I  find  that  I  make  and 
save  about  one  million  dollars  a  week.  This  is  much  better 
than  doing  business  on  a  "maro^in."     Talk  of  "meanderinff 


THE  ONLY  SAFE  WAY  OF  OPERATING.  255 

throngli  a  meadow  of   margin" — yon  should  see  a  broker 
go  through  such  meadows  when  he  gets  a  chance ! 

The  day  that  gold  broke,  several  ladies  of  the  Black  Crook 
troop  appeared  in  Wall  Street — out  of  uniform,  however; 
owing  to  their  having  clothes  on,  they  were  not  generally 
recognized.  Some  curiosity  was  expressed  as  to  what  side  of 
the  market  they  stood  on.  The  public  should  not  have  been 
in  doubt,  for  these  pillars  of  society  certainly  afforded  them 
an  oj)portunity  of  knowing  how  it  was  before  the  Fall,  and 
if  surface  indications  may  be  relied  upon  they  worked — or 
played — in  the  bare  interest. 

This  is  all  nonsense,  is  it  ?  "Well,  if  any  of  the  noble  army 
of  martyrs  can  afford  to  sit  down  on  a  hot  July  day  and 
write  a  whole  chapter  of  sense,  for  the  pay  j^romised  me, 
they  may  ;  I  cannot.  But  I  will  throw  in  a  grain  or  two  of 
solid  sense  now  by  way  of  giving  good  weight  and  making  a 
neat  finish  of  it. 

For  months  before  this  great  break  came  stocks  had  been 
going  up  steadily,  at  the  rate  of  nearly  one  per  cent,  a  day. 
Did  anyone  ever  take  out  a  pencil  and  quietly  figure  where 
stocks  would  get  to  eventually  if  they  kept  going  up  forever? 
A  break  must  come  sometime  in  the  natural  order  of  things. 
And  if  you  wish  to  make  money  in  speculation,  O  reader, 
listen  to  me. 

When  a  friend  comes  and  whispers  in  your  ear  that  a  cer- 
tain stock  is  going  up  to  a  frantic  figure,  just  wait  quietly 
and  let  that  particular  stock  and  the  whole  list  go  up ;  watch 
carefully  from  day  to  day,  and  when  you  think  they  have  got 
to  the  top  notch  and  an  immense  decline  is  inevitable,  rake 
to'^etlier  all  the  available  money  you  can,  and — no,  don't 
go  down  and  "sell  short,"  but  just  take  the  money  y(ni  have 
raked  together  and  go  out  in  the  country  and  buy  an 
uncleared  farm  with  it ;  you  will  thus  lose  it  all  quite  as  cer- 
tainly, but  with  much  more  mental  comfort  besides  enjoying 
better  phy8i<-al  health  the  while. 


CHAPTER  XXXYIII. 

IN  WHICH  A  FOND  REMINISCENCE  OF  A  POPULAR  PERE  IS  INDULGED 

IN. 

MENTION  of  the  Gold  ring  brings  up  in  the  glowing 
glass  of  memory  a  recollection  of  a  very  pleasant  visit 
I  had  from  a  rather  distinguished  prelate  about  that  time. 
Now  it  is  no  strange  thing  for  me  to  have  calls  from  eminent 
divines,  but  there  were  some  circumstances  about  this  call 
which  impressed  it  upon  me  particularly. 

One  evening  there  came  a  rap  at  the  door  of  the  magnifi- 
cent apartments  which  I  then  occupied,  corner  of  Bleecker 
and  the  Bowery,  opposite  the  neat  but  not  gaudy  residence 
of  Mrs.  O'Flaherty,  who  I  take  it  was  a  German  musician, 
from  the  fact  that  over  her  door  was  a  sio^n  on  which  was 
written  in  legible  letters  : — "  Fluting  done  Here." 

"  Come  in,"  I  said,  in  the  pleasant  yet  patronizing  tone  I 
always  assume  in  addressing  newspaper  men,  clergymen  of 
the  established  church,  and  others  who  think  themselves  at 
liberty  to  ask  you  all  sorts  of  cpieer  questions  at  unseasonable 
hours. 

My  valet  entered  in  the  usual  gorgeous  livery  of  my  house- 
hold, bearing  on  a  silver  tray  a  card  which  the  footman  had 
just  given  the  butler  for  transmission  to  me. 

On  the  card  I  read  in  neat  Roman  characters  : — "  Pere 
Hyacinthe.'^ 

"  Ask  the  Pere  to  step  up  one  pair  of  stairs,  and  refresh 
himself  with  a  ham-sandwich,  which  he  will  find  on  the  left- 
hand  corner  of  the  grand  piano  in  the  blue  drawing-room,  and 
then  to  take  a  nip  from  the  black  bottle  that  stands  on  the 

256 


THE  PERE  CALLS  ON  ME.  257 

ormolu  table  in  the  red  reading-room,"  I  said  to  the  valet  in 
Arabic.  "  I'll  be  dowu  as  soon  as  1  have  finished  this  book 
of  Gushing     on  the  Alabama  business." 

I'd  have  seen  Hjacinthe  if  instead  of  a  pair  he'd  been 
three  of  a  kind. 

A  few  moments  later  I  descended  to  the  blue  drawing- 
room,  where  I  found  the  reverend  father  hastily  replacing 
the  cork  in  a  green  bottle  which  stood  behind  a  statue  of 
Psyclie  on  the  mantle-tree ;  he  had  found  where  I  kept  my 
private  tipple,  you  see. 

"  Pere,"  said  I,  taking  my  distinguished  guest  by  the  hand, 
"  I  am  delighted  to  see  you." 

"John  Paul,  my  boy,  you  do  me  proud,"  said  he.  Not- 
withstanding all  reports  to  the  contrary,  let  me  assure  you 
that  Mr.  Ilyacinthe  speaks  English  excellently  well,  barring 
a  slifjht  broci:ue. 

As  you  will  readily  imagine,  we  had  a  pleasant  interview, 
discussing  the  Economical  Council,  the  succession  to  the 
papacy,  the  great  gold  ring,  will  nitro-glycerine  explode,  the 
Cardiff  Giant,  and  several  other  current  topics  of  that  day. 
As  regarded  the  difierence  between  himself  and  Pio  Kino, 
he  said  that  a  very  mistaken  idea  prevailed.  Coolness  first 
began  because  he  objected  to  kissing  the  pope's  toe — he'd  as 
soon  think  of  kissing  the  pope's  nose,  he  explained.  Then 
there  were  minor  matters  on  which  they  disagreed.  The 
Pcre  didn't  like  the  idea  of  clerical  celibacy.  "  Why  do  the}'^ 
call  us  '  fathers '  if  they  deny  us  the  privilege  iJ"  he  very 
pertinently  asked. 

I  suggested  that  it  might  be  because  it  was  farther  from 
the  truth  than  anything  else  they  might  l)e  called. 

He  didn't  like  the  idea  of  having  to  shave  his  head  either, 
he  said.  In  warm  weather  tlie  flies  lit  on  the  bald  spot  and 
bothered  him,  and  in  fall  and  winter  it  kept  him  with  a  con- 
tinual cold  in  his  head. 

I  remarked  that  this  latter  seemed  altogether  in  accordance 
with  the  eternal  fitness  of  things :  that  being  vowed  to  piety, 
he  should  be  the  greater  part  of  the  time  on  his  sneeze. 

17 


258  I  SEE  THE  PERE. 

Furtliermore,  lie  thought  they  burned  too  many  candles  at 
Eonie  ;  no  wonder  an  Economical  Council  was  called  !  Peo- 
ple asked  for  light,  and  the  church  responded  with  candles 
only.  While  sticking  to  the  wax  in  this  way  the  church  was 
really  on  the  wane.  Notwithstanding  his  being  in  charge  of 
the  "  see,"  Pio  Nino  was  blind  to  the  real  interests  of  Kome. 
As  for  the  pope's  bulls — he  snapped  his  fingers  contemptu- 
ously. '•  lie's  been  bulling  the  market  for  some  time,"  he 
said,  '  but  the  bears  are  getting  it  their  way  now.  I've  put 
out  a  long  line  of  shorts  myself.  They've  watered  our  St. 
Peter  stock  as  well  as  your  St.  Paul,  (holy-watered,  1  suppose 
he  meant ;)  their  earnings  are  falling  ofl"  rapidly,  and  if  they 
don't  pass  their  next  dividend,  I'm  a  Dutchman." 

As  he  manifested  considerable  anxiety  to  know  what  I 
thought  of  his  course,  1  told  him  very  frankly  that  I  thought 
he  had  either  gone  too  far  or  not  far  enough ;  that  he  had  a 
perfect  right  to  pound  away  at  the  walls  from  the  outside  as 
much  as  he  pleased,  but  that  I  didn't  see  that  he  had  any 
right  to  go  gophering  about  on  the  inside. 

"  Your  head  is  level,  very  level,  John  Paul,"  he  remarked, 
looking  meditatively  at  the  green  bottle  on  the  mantle-tree, 
''but  it's  my  little  game.  I  can  do  the  business  easier  and  bet- 
ter laying  for  them  this  way." 

Pcgarding  the  appointment  of  consuls,  about  which  so 
much  row  was  being  made  on  the  score  of  unfitness,  he 
thought  the  selection  should  be  pleasing  to  the  public.  "  You 
will  thus  get  a  lot  of  political  bummers  out  of  the  country," 
he  said,  "  who  could  be  persuaded  to  leave  in  no  other  way. 
And  the  salaries  after  all  are  not  much — your  people  could 
well  afford  to  double  them  if  the  appointees  would  but  stay 
permanently  out  of  the  country." 

1  asked  him  "  wdiat  he  thought  of  Grant  and  the  Gold  ring, 
that  being  the  prevailing  topic  just  then. 

"  C^est  tine  Jjilque^"*  he  whispered,  Grant  was  not  partie  to 
it,  1  think,  but  what  for  he  eat,  he  drink  wiz  dese  men  %  now 
it  comes  zat  he  pay  vot  you  call  the  piper.  Ze  Piper's  head- 
ache, bv  o-ar.     He  jro  wiz  one  vaurien  to  one  box  in  ze  thea- 


WE  THREE  C'O^' VERSE. 


259 


tre  now  lie  find  himself  in  one  tight  box,  by  gar?  Suppose 
Jacques  Fisque,  he  ask  me  to  go  viz  him  show  myself  to  the 
pullique — you  suppose  that  1  shall  go,  eh  ?  Pas  pour  Joseph, 
pas,  pour  Joe  I  non,  non  /" 

It  should  have  been  explained  that  when  excited,  the 
reverend  father  drops  into  French.  I  will  not,  however 
attempt  to  produce  at  length  all  that  he  said.  The  gist  of  it 
was  that  the  president  of  a  great  republic  owed  something  to 
his  office,  if  not  to  himself,  and  that  if  he  chose  to  cut  in 
with  notorious  mountebanks,  he  must  take  the  unpleasant 
consequences,  which  sooner  or  later  result  from  such  associa- 
tion. 

To  tell  the  truth,  Father  Hyacinthe  had  been  bored  by 
"  interviewers  "  to  such  an  extent  that  I  refrained  from  ask- 
ing him  as  many  questions  as  I  should  under  other  circum- 
stances ;  and  he  evidently  saw  that  I  had  an  important  letter 
to  write  in  answer  to  an  application  from  the  Rothschilds  for 
a  sixty  day  loan,  which  could  not  be  neglected. 

Before  going  he  expressed  himself  as  rather  pleased  with 
the  Fifth  Avenue  Hotel ;  but  thought  he  might  possibly 
have  to  draw  on  the  treasury  of  France  when  his  bill  was 
presented  for  settlement.  It  was  a  neat  compliment  for 
the  hotel  men  to  print  on  the  daily  bill  of  fare : — 

Happy,  happy,  happy  Ptire, 

None  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fare. 

But  of  all  the  attentions  showed  him,  he  most  appreciated, 
he  said,  the  drive  tluit  Darling  gave  him  behind  his  team. 

"  Did  he  hitch  'em  ])oth  up?  "  I  asked. 

"  lie  astonished  the  Bloomingdale  with  a  buggy  and  Pere," 
laughed  the  jolly  Father. 

He  was  loud  in  praise  of  those  ponies.  They  went  along 
so  evenly  and  smoothly,  he  said.  They  didn't  appear  to  be 
doing  much  all  the  while,  but  they  kept  lifting  their  feet  up 
and  putting  them  down  again  in  a  sort  of  careless  way  that 
told.  He  tliought  that  with  such  a  pair  as  tliat,  he  would  be 
one  of  the  happiest  pears  that  ever  fell  from  the  tree  of  grace. 


2Q0  PERE  HYACINTHE'S  HEROISM. 

"  And  now,"  he  said,  taking  his  hat  in  his  hand,  "  before  I 
go,  to  come  to  the  real  object  of  my  call,  where  can  I  get  a 
square  American  drink?" 

This  was  entirely  off  my  beat,  but  I  suggested  that  per- 
liaps  the  Rev.  Mr.  Frothingham,  on  whom  he  had  expressed 
an  intention  of  calling  after  leaving  me,  could  probably  post 
him  ;  if  not  Dr.  Bellows  certainly  could. 

All  this  occurred  five  years  ago.  Hyacinthe  has  married 
since  then,  and  married  an  American  widow  at  that,  by 
this  act  of  undoubted  heroism,  fully  vindicating  his  claim  to 
be  one  of  the  boldest  reformers  of  the  day.  But  after  all  I 
don't  know  that  he  has  suffered  as  much  for  opinion's  sake 
as  Savonarola  did.  AVhen  I  last  heard  from  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Hyacinthe,  there  were  three  of  them. 


CHAPTEE  XXXIX. 

THE  TRUE  STORY  OF  MY  MEXICAN  MINES. 

SOME  one  among  my  many  million  readers,  unfamiliar 
with  the  part  which  I  have  played  in  negotiating  numer- 
ous loans,  upon  all  sorts  of  personal  property  and  in  sums 
varying  from  five  dollars  down,  may  querulously  ask.  Why 
doth  this  man  talk  of  finance  and  speculation  ?  What  know- 
eth  he,  bred  in  the  lap  of  luxury,  rocked  in  a  cradle  of  roses, 
as  'twere,  and  fed  on  the  very  pound  cake  of  life,  what 
knoweth  he  of  the  subtle  ways  of  speculation  ? — of  commer- 
cial shipwreck  and  financial  disaster? 

Let  me  candidly  confess  that  what  I  do  not  know  about  it 
all  is  not  much  worth  knowing.  And  by  way  of  making 
this  plain  to  you,  I  will  right  here  give  a  specimen  leaf  from 
the  folio  volume  of  my  experiences. 

Some  eleven  years  or  so  ago  I  went  to  California.  Why  I 
went  there  I  have  never  been  able  to  determine.  There 
was  no  necessity  in  the  case — certainly  nothing  in  the  world 
is  easier  than  not  to  go  to  California.  But  I  M'cnt.  With 
reckless  economy  I  chose  a  new  route ;  the  voyage  was 
tedious  and  protracted  but  profitable.  For  during  its  con- 
tinuance I  had  ample  time  to  reflect  upon  the  errors  of  the 
past  and  form  good  resolutions  for  the  future — chief  among 
which  resolutions  was  one  to  never  again  attempt  the  same 
line  of  travel.  Of  all  the  resolves  entered  into  at  the  various 
critical  periods  of  my  life,  this  latter  one  I  fancy  is  the  least 
likely  to  be  broken,  insomuch  as  the  line  itself  broke  very 
soon  after  I  swung  myself  out  to  San  Francisco  on  it. 
Transit  by  Nicaragua  was  transitory  indeed.     I'ut,  liehold, 

2C1 


262  THE  MINING  MANIA. 

this  voyaf>;e  and  the  adventures  which  attended  upon  it,  are 
they  not  all  chronicled  in  another  part  of  my  book? 

At  the  time  of  my  arrival  in  San  Francisco  the  mining 
excitement  was  at  its  height.  Joint  stock  companies  under 
every  conceivable  name  for  "  developing  "  mines  in  the  most 
extraordinary  localities  were  every  day  organized,  the  list  of 
the  incorporations  regularly  filling  a  column  in  the  morning 
papers.  Nearly  the  whole  coast  was  staked  out  into  claims. 
People  bought  anything  and  everything  that  was  offered  as 
"  feet."  The  man  who  blundered  over  a  boulder  fell  into 
fortune,  for  he  could  come  into  town,  report  that  he  had 
foimd  a  lead  "  as  good  as  the  Gould  and  Curry,"  and  sell  out 
at  any  price  he  pleased.  (Gould  and  Curry,  a  mine  situated 
on  the  famous  Corastock  Ledge,  then  selling  at  $5000  a  foot 
and  paying  a  dividend  of  $150  a  month,  was  the  favorite 
standard  of  comparison.)  Tunnels  were  run  through  granitic 
mountains,  shafts  were  sunk  nearly  to  the  centre  of  gravity, 
until  square  miles  of  ground  looked  as  though  it  had  been 
bored  over  by  gigantic  gophers.  Especially  was  this  the  case 
in  Nevada,  through  which  State  one  cannot  travel  even  at 
this  time  without  incurring  the  risk  of  falling  into  pit-holes 
from  which  there  could  be  no  resurrection. 

Those  were  flush  times  indeed.  Had  the  scheme  su^sested 
itself  to  a  glib-tongued  operator,  a  company  could  have  been 
organized  with  innumerable  millions  of  capital,  to  tunnel  the 
moon  or  prospect  the  larger  planets  in  the  expectation  of 
finding  horn-silver  or,  at  least,  pyrites  in  the  centre.  All 
was  bustle,  confusion,  extravagance,  and  anticipation.  In 
the  very  city  of  San  Francisco  mining  claims  were  entered. 
No  man's  cellar  was  safe  against  the  persevering  j^rospector. 
Even  the  dead  were  disturbed.  A  company  called  "The 
Lone  Mountain  Gold  and  Silver  Mining  Company"  was 
organized  for  the  purpose  of  M'orking  a  fancied  vein  in  that 
silent  cemetery.  Fortunately  the  lead  gave  out  at  an  early 
period,  or  the  poor  pioneers  who  for  uneventful  years  had 
slumbered  beneath  the  clover  and  daisies,  would  have  been 
turned  out  from  what  they  had  considered  their  last  resting- 


MEXICO  AS  A  LAND  OF  PROMISE.  263 

place,  to  take  compulsory  glimpses  of  the  moon.  Tnnneling 
the  tomb  of  an  ancestor  in  search  of  the  precious  metals  may 
seem  too  outrageous  for  belief ;  but  I  solemnly  assure  the 
reader  that  the  company  above  mentioned  was  actually  incor- 
porated and  that  ground  was  broken.  Yea,  I  will  even  own 
that  1  had  stock  in  it  myself. 

There  were  no  bounds  to  the  excitement  and  enterprise  of 
the  frenzied  treasure-seekers.  An  aerolite  was  found  one 
morning  within  the  custom  house  grounds.  Before  night- 
fall there  were  a  dozen  holes  drilled  through  and  through  it, 
and  nearly  half  its  substance  was  chipped  off  to  be  submitted 
to  the  subtle  tests  of  the  assayer.  Never  before,  never  since, 
was  there  seen  such  a, frenzy.  Picks  were  at  a  premium, 
and  spades  were  indeed  trumps.  Digging  became  a  duty, 
and  the  husband  and  father  was  considered  neglectful  of  his 
family  if  he  failed  to  respond  to  the  call.  When  it  is  con- 
sidered how  many  holes  can  be  dug  in  the  earth's  surface 
without  finding  gold,  one  ceases  to  wonder  at  the  many  fail- 
ures which  followed. 

But  the  great  States  and  Territories  of  California,  Nevada, 
Oregon,  Arizona,  Idaho,  and  Montana  did  not  afford  a  field 
wide  enough  for  mining  ambition.  Mexico  stretched  outlier 
golden  arms.  Mines  that  had  yielded  millions  of  dollars 
"under  the  crude  manipulations  of  native  hands  Avere  to  be 
had  for  mere  songs — for  the  promise  of  a  song.  Mines  that 
were  opened,  mines  that  stood  ready  to  be  rifled,  like  the 
legendary  pigs  that,  in  the  good  old  days,  ran  about  the  streets 
of  London  ready  roasted  and  clamoring  to  be  eaten. 

Did  you  doubt  the  stories?  Lo,  were  not  the  pages  of 
Ward's  History  of  Mexico  unfolded  to  your  gaze  ?  Was  it 
not  there  put  down,  in  the  plainest  black  and  Avhite,  how  the 
San  This  and  the  Santa  That  had  turned  out  treasure  faster 
than  all  the  mules  that  the  country  contained  could  pack  it 
away  ?  These  mines,  abandoned  by  their  improvident  own- 
ers, only  needed  the  open  sesame  of  capital  at  tlieir  doors,  to 
again  unlock  their  riches.  If  they  yielded  so  enormously 
by  the  imperfect  native  method  of  treating  ores,  what  will 


264  A  ONE  EYED  BENEFACTOR. 

they  not  yield  under  the  improved  system  which  American 
skill  and  capital  can  command  ?  cried  tlie  sanguine  soul  of  the 
speculator. 

Wood,  water,  and  labor — the  great  requisites  in  a  mining 
country — were  plenty  and  cheap.  The  mining  laws  were  in 
favor  of  the  worker.  What  wonder  then  that  there  was  a 
rush  for  Mexican  investments  !  Those  who  had  made  money 
at  home  sought  to  double  it  abroad;  those  who  had  lost 
expected  to  make  up  their  losses  and  more  in  this  new  field 
of  enterprise. 

My  seat  was  among  the  latter.  Reaching  California  when 
speculation  was  at  full  tide,  I  was  just  in  time  to  launch  my 
little  boat  on  the  top  wave,  and  get  the  full  benefit  of  the 
ebb.  A  friend  gave  me  "  points  ;"  he  had  the  "  inside  track," 
he  said.  And  he  had,  as  I  found  to  my  cost,  quite  the  "  in- 
side track "  of  me.  The  stock  which  he  kindly  sold  me, 
with  the  assurance  that  its  certain  appreciation  would  enable 
us  to  visit  Europe  together,  fell  on  my  hands  to  a  merely 
nominal  figure ;  my  name  appeared  on  the  delinquent  list  at 
the  Brokers'  Board  about  the  same  time  that  his  was  regis- 
tered in  Paris. 

But  I  was  not  bereft  of  friends  by  my  misfortune  ;  I  found 
scores  of  friends — sympathizing  friends.  One,  in  particular, 
expressed  a  great  desire  to  see  me  get  even.  The  way  that 
he  proposed  to  get  me  "  even  "  was  decidedly  odd — though, 
after  all,  but  an  application  of  the  hair-of-the-dog-that-bit- 
you  principle.  A  benevolent  old  Spaniard  with  one  eye  was 
in  town  to  dispose  of  a  mine  which  he  owned  in  Durango. 
There  were  1800  feet  in  the  mine  (putting  my  foot  in  made 
it  1801) ;  he  wouldn't  sell  the  whole  of  it,  not  even  to  his 
best  friends — he  couldn't,  he  said,  in  justice  to  his  family. 
But  he  would  sell  half  at  $100  a  foot,  for  the  sake  of  raising 
the  money  to  purchase  and  erect  the  needful  machinery. 

The  mine  was  called  El  Tigre  Colorado — Spanish  for  "  The 
Red  Tiger,"  He  had  a  drawing  or  plan  of  the  mine  with 
him,  beautifully  executed  and  highly  colored — the  reason, 
perhaps,  that  it  was  called  Colorado.     There  were  galleries 


HOW  "THE  RED  TIGER"  ASSAYED.  265 

and  chambers,  and  columns  and  pillars  without  end ;  it  all 
looked  not  unlike  a  five-storj  hotel.  The  columns  and  pil- 
lars, he  explained,  had  been  left  there  in  accordance  with  a 
law  of  the  country,  which  insisted  upon  that  solid  support. 
Even  if  the  rest  of  the  mine  "petered  out,"  those  pillars — 
nearly  pure  silver — could  be  taken  out,  and  made  to  yield 
millions !  The  course  of  the  vein — he  called  it  veta — was 
marked  and  accompanied  with  marginal  notes.  Here  it  was 
only  four  feet  wide ;  there  it  branched  out  to  twenty  ;  here 
it  would  not  yield  more  than  two  or  three  hundred  dollars  a 
ton ;  there,  where  the  veta  was  widest,  as  many  thousand. 
It  was  easy  enough  to  calculate  the  profit  to  accrue  from 
first  workings. 

The  mill  which  it  was  proposed  to  erect  would  crush  and 
work  thirty  tons  of  ore  a  day ;  but  suppose  it  only  worked 
twenty.  The  ore  would  easily  average  §1000  a  ton  ;but  sup- 
pose it  only  yielded  $500  ?  Twenty  times  §500  was  $10,000. 
Allow  $250  for  expense  of  working — there  you  had  a  clear 
profit  of  $9,750  a  day.  Counting  twenty-six  working  days 
to  a  month,  and  you  had  $253,500,  wdiich  gave  a  dividend  of 
about  $140  a  month  to  the  share.  Or  suppose  it  were  only 
$100  ? — the  fortunate  possessor  of  twenty  shares  would  even 
then  have  an  income  in  gold  of  $24,000  per  annum.  Was 
that  to  be  sneezed  at  ?  And  the  investment  was  so  small ! 
"Who  could  resist  the  temptation  ? 

I,  for  one,  could  not ;  a  present  Judge  of  the  Supreme 
Court  of  the  United  States  could  not;  any  number  of  widows 
and  orphans  and  young  men  ambitious  of  matrimony  could 
not — my  friend  who  indorsed  the  character  of  his  friend,  the 
benevolent  old  Spaniard  with  one  eye  (and  who,  we  after- 
ward ascertained,  got  100  shares  gratis  and  ten  percent,  com- 
mission on  all  he  sold  for  his  pain.s),  was  persuaded  to  use 
his  influence  to  procure  us  stock :  we  "  went  in  "  with  avidity. 
Fortunately  the  Fool-killer  did  not  come  round  about  that 
time,  or  I  sliuuld  not  be  here  to  tell  the  tale  of  how  we  cauio 
out. 

AVell,  machinery  was  bought  and  shipped,  and  the  old  Don 


266  GOOD  NEWS  FROM  EL  TIQRE. 

went  down  to  snj^erintend  things.  This  was  in  July,  He 
assured  us  that  about  Christmas  we  miglit  look  for  returns. 
And  we  did  look  for  them — but  I  anticipate.  His  single  eye 
fairly  shone  with  philanthropy  and  promise  when  he  Mrung 
our  hands  on  the  wharf  at  leave-taking ;  and  as  he  waved  his 
snowy  cambric  from  the  hurricane  deck — he  was  very  fault- 
less in  his  dress  as  became  an  old  Castilian — he  shouted  some- 
thing in  Spanish,  which  was  undoubtedly  meant  for  "  Good- 
bye till  I  see  you  again  !"  The  machinery  went  with  him, 
and  both  were  safely  landed  at  Mazatlan. 

Every  steamer  thereafter  brought  us  most  excellent  news. 
The  machinery  was  almost  at  the  mine;  and  at  the  mine 
everything  was  prepared  for  its  reception — the  beds  were 
placed  for  the  batteries,  the  engine-house  was  nearly  com- 
pleted, and  the  gist  of  all  was  that  we  might  expect  dividends 
about  Thanksgiving  time  instead  of  Christmas.  Tlie  mine 
looked  better  and  better  every  day,  he  said  ;  he  had  got  the 
old  works  connected  with  the  new — we  would  see  what  he 
meant  by  reference  to  the  map  of  the  mine  which  he  had  left 
with  us — and  the  result  surpassed  his  most  sanguine  expecta- 
tions. He  had  laid  bare  a  stretch  of  metal  6U0  feet  in  length 
and  6  feet  wide,  which  assayed  some  $2500  a  ton,  and  would 
not  work  less  than  $2000 ;  and  with  a  fine  burst  of  that 
poetry  for  which  the  mellifluous  lingua  Hispaniola  is  noted, 
he  wound  up  by  saying : — 

"Compose  yourselves,  my  children,  and  prepare  to  be 
astonished.  I  will  send  you  some  specimens  which  will  cause 
you  to  open  your  eyes  wide  as  your  beautiful  plaza." 

Consequently  we  were  jubilant,  and  paid  the  little  assess- 
ment of  $20  a  share,  which  it  was  found  necessary  to  levy, 
without  a  murmur  ;  and  so  the  months  wore  on.  Christmas 
came  and  went.  The  news  M^as  always  excellent,  but  that 
was  all.  Once  the  Don  sent  us  a  drawing  of  the  mill  and 
works  as  they  would  appear  when  completed,  with  the  Amer- 
ican flag  flying  from  the  roof,  and  the  smoke  of  the  furnaces 
rolling  to  the  skies  in  great  volumes  ;  but  there  the  news 
ended.     We  could  not  exactly  understand   how,  with    the 


THE  BARON  GOES  DOWN  TO  EL  TIGKE.  267 

machinery  so  near  the  mill  all  the  while,  ^xe  never  received 
intelligence  of  its  actual  arrival ;  nor  why  a  little  detail  pf 
facts  was  not  indulged  in  instead  of  these  glittering  generali- 
ties ;  and  an  assessment  of  $30  a  share,  coming  pat  on  the  last 
assurance  that  we  all  might  consider  ourselves  millionaires, 
made  some  of  us  look  grave,  and  set  the  older  ones  thinking. 
The  result  was  that  a  purse  was  made  up,  and  one  of  the 
stockholders  appointed  to  go  down  and  look  into  things. 
With  admirable  judgment  the  gentleman — my  friend — who 
sold  us  the  stock  and  acted  as  a  sort  of  factotum  for  the  old 
Don  throughout  was  selected  for  the  mission. 

By  return  steamer  we  heard  from  him.  Everything  was 
lovely,  and  all  that  we  had  to  do  was  to  possess  our  souls  in 
patience,  pay  our  assessments  regularly,  and  our  fortunes 
were  made ;  and  the  next  steamer  brought  up  the  gentleman 
himself.  "When  questioned  closely  there  was  a  vagueness 
about  his  answers  which  suggested  a  suspicion,  and  another 
meeting  of  stockholders  was  called.  It  was  then  ascertained 
that  our  embassador,  discovering  that  the  mine  was  some 
three  hundred  miles  in  the  interior,  and  only  to  be  reached 
by  muleback,  never  stirred  out  of  Mazatlan,  contenting  him- 
self with  sending  us  the  statements  transmitted  to  him  by 
the  old  Don,  from  whom  he  received  another  gift  of  shares 
in  the  Red  Tiger  of  Durango.  His  reports  turned  out  to  be 
nothing  but  echoes  1 

So  we  dispatched  another  envoy — a  practical,  hard -pated, 
thorough-going  old  Englishman,  familiarly  known  as  "  The 
Baron."  For  three  months  we  heard  nothing  at  all  from 
him.  At  the  end  of  tliat  time  the  Baron  landed  from  the 
steamer,  and  the  cause  of  his  silence  was  soon  explained. 
On  arriving  at  Mazatlan  he  found  that  not  a  pound  of  the 
machinery  had  ever  left  that  port  for  the  interior.  The  Don 
liad  mortgaged  it  for  all  it  was  worth,  and  there  it  lay,  sub- 
ject to  the  order  of  a  private  money-lender.  On  inquiring 
tlie  way  to  our  mine,  the  fainous  Tigre  Colorado,  the  citizens 
of  Mazatlan  stared  at  him  in  surprise;  they  had  never  before 
heard  the  iwme  1     So  ho  purchased  a  mule  and  saddle  and 


268  THE  BARON  FINDS  EL  TIGRE  BARREN. 

pushed  for  the  interior,  where  he  hoped  to  find  the  popula- 
tion better  posted. 

After  many  hardships  and  much  soreness  of  flesh  he  suc- 
ceeded in  reaching  Tamisula,  a  town  which  we  had  been  told 
was  five  leagues  distant  from  our  mining  property.  Here  he 
inquired  if  any  one  in  those  parts  knew  any  thing  about  El 
Tigre  Colorado.  '^  Si  Signor,^^  cried  one  of  the  nativ^es,  clap- 
ping his  hands ;  and,  turning  to  a  crowd  of  by-standers,  he 
explained  with  a  caramba  or  two  that  here  was  one  of  those 
fools  of  Americans  come  down  to  look  for  the  mine  sold 
them  by  Don  Enrique.  Yolunteering  his  services  as  guide, 
this  same  native  set  off  with  the  Baron.  The  Tigre  Colorado 
proved  to  be  located  on  the  top  of  an  inaccessible  mountain 
— I  forget  how  many  feet  above  the  level  of  the  sea — where 
it  defied  both  mule  and  man.  As  near  as  I  could  make  out 
from  the  Baron's  report,  the  facts  of  the  case  were  about  as 
follows : — 

In  the  first  place,  it  was  impossible  to  get  to  where  the 
mine  was  said  to  be.  In  the  second  place,  if  one  could  have 
got  there  he'd  have  found  no  mine.  In  the  third  phice,  could 
one  have  got  there,  and  had  he  found,  a  mine,  it  would  not 
have  been  worth  the  working.  Never  was  there  a  more 
complete  swindle. 

Eetracing  his  steps,  our  Baron  set  out  in  search  of  Don 
Enrique.  At  last  he  found  him  on  a  plantation  which  he 
had  purchased,  incurring  debts  in  the  Company's  name  and 
selling  oft"  the  produce  in  his  own.  What  was  raised  on  the 
place  I  do  not  now  remember,  and  do  not  know  that  ever  I 
knew,  but  whatever  it  was  the  crop  M'as  all  disposed  of  long 
before  the  Baron  arrived.  But  not  so  the  debts.  The  Don 
had  paid  nothing  to  his  hands,  and  they  were  on  the  eve  of 
an  outbreak.  In  a  brief  speech  to  the  excited  mountaineers 
the  Don  introduced  the  Baron  to  them  as  a  plenipotentiary 
who  had  come  to  pay  off  the  outstanding  debts  of  the  Great 
American  Company.  The  consequence  was  that  the  unsus- 
picious and  unwitting  Baron  alighted  from  his  mule  in  the 
midst  of  some  hundreds  of  peons,  all  clamoring  for  money. 


THEY  BEAT  THE  BARON.  2G9 

He  not  understanding  a  word  of  Spanish,  and  they  not  speak- 
ing a  word  of  English,  it  was  some  time  before  one  party  to 
the  discussion  knew  what  the  other  was  at.  That  point  once 
explained,  however,  the  "  plenipotentiary "  very  concisely 
and  clearly  stated  to  them  that  he  came  after  money,  not  to 
•pay  money ;  that  he  had  nothing  but  bread  and  cheese  in  his 
capacious  wallet.  On  this,  off  they  rushed  to  Don  Enrique, 
howling  like  a  pack  of  wolves. 

He  counseled  them  not  to  believe  a  word  of  what  the 
American  said  ;  that  was  the  way  these  sharp,  shrewd  traders 
always  talked ;  they  must  persist  in  their  demands,  and  not 
be  put  off  by  empty  words.  So  they  returned  to  the  charge. 
The  poor  man  reiterated  his  assertions,  and  endeavored  to 
explaiu  the  matter.  As  well  might  he  have  talked  to  the 
winds.  Satisfied  that  he  was  endeavoring  to  cheat  them  out 
of  their  just  dues,  and  in  reality  had  stores  of  gold  and  silver 
in  his  saddle-bags  that  was  of  right  theirs,  they  set  upon  him 
in  wild  fury,  and  would  have  beaten  him  to  death  had  it  not 
been  for  the  opportune  arrival  of  a  file  of  soldiers.  As  it 
was  they  pounded  him  so  severely  that  he  was  confined 
to  his  bed  for  a  month,  and  landed  in  San  Francisco  with 
liis  eyes  still  poulticed  and  the  sense  of  hearing  in  one  ear 
totally  destroyed. 

A  few  of  the  company  were  not  yet  satisfied,  and  made 
me  liberal  offers  if  I  would  undertake  a  Mexican  mission  for 
the  representation  of  our  common  interests  ;  but  not  having 
a  head  for  skillful  financiering,  still  less  a  head  for  the  punch- 
ing that  the  Baron's  experience  so  pkainly  prognosticated,  I 
declined  the  appointment  with  thanks;  and  that  was  the  last 
of  El  Tigre  Colorado. 

But  it  was  not  the  last  of  my  Mexican  ventures.  Through- 
out the  whole  of  the  affair  above  narrated  it  will  be  seen  that 
wc  plainly  invited  our  fate.  Buying  a  mine  that  not  a  soul 
of  us  ever  saw,  on  the  representation  of  a  stranger  whom 
none  of  us  knew  save  by  the  indorsement  of  one  with  whom  we 
were  almost  equally  unacquainted,  and  shipping  machincr}' 
in  the  dark — was  ever  there  seen  such  folly  ?     But  here  camo 


2T0  ^0  MISTAKE  ABOUT  THIS  MINE. 

an  opportunity  to  retrieve  my  fortunes  and  avail  myself  of 
the  experience  gained  at  such  a  cost — picking  my  path 
through  the  future  by  the  aid  of  the  stern-lights  of  the  past. 

A  brawny  ex-captain  of  the  British  army,  who  had  long 
been  sojourning  in  Guaymas  as  British  Consul  or  something 
else  that  carried  with  it  buttons  and  consideration,  came  to 
San  Francisco  with  his  pockets  full  of  maps  and  papers  per- 
taining to  two  noted  mines — mines  that  had  a  history,  that 
were  mentioned  in  Ward's  Mexico,  that  were  famous  in  the 
annals  of  the  country.  Moreover,  he  bore  with  him  letters 
of  introduction  from  Mexican  magnates  to  San  Francisco 
financiers — careful,  prudent  men,  whose  lead  the  multitude 
deem  it  safe  to  follow  in  all  cases.  There  was  no  chicanery 
about  this  concern — here  I  speak  by  the  card — for  the  organ- 
izers and  officers  of  the  company  were  all  among  my  best 
and  dearest  friends.  We  all  went  in  together — and  I  consid- 
ered myself  extremely  fortunate  to  get  in. 

This  was  a  very  different  affair  from  the  Red  Tiger. 
Here  we  knew  what  we  were  about;  had  documentary 
evidence  to  begin  on,  and  no  lack  of  capital  to  go  ahead 
with.  One  of  the  best  theoretical  and  practical  miners  on 
the  coast — a  graduate  of  the  famous  Gould  and  Curry — was 
selected  for  superintendent.  He  took  stock.  Engineer, 
blacksmith,  carpenters,  firemen — all  were  Americans  and 
practical  miners  ;  and  all  of  them  took  stock.  There  was  no 
one  connected  with  the  Company  in  any  capacity  whatever 
who  did  not  manifest  confidence  by  putting  in  capital — the 
last  test. 

The  machinery  which  we  purchased  was  of  the  most  expen- 
sive and  improved  kind  ;  nothing  was  left  nndone  or  unbought 
that  could  in  any  way  contribute  to  that  success  which  none 
doubted.  Stores  for  the  men,  garden  seeds,  soap,  sugar, 
calomel,  raisins,  pepper,  canned  fruits,  pickled  lobsters,  and 
oysters — all  the  necessaries  of  life  and  many  of  the  luxuries 
of  the  season  were  shipped  in  profusion — a  year's  supply. 
We  watched  our  argosy  go  out  with  triumphant  hearts,  and 
our  eyes  might  have  been  taken  for  diamond  editions  of  the 
Pleasures  of  Hope. 


PROSPECTUS  OF  THE  BLESSED  HUxMBUGGIO.  271 

That  the  reader  maj  not  think  that  we  built  entirely  with- 
out foundation  I  append  the  prospectus,  cut  with  some 
remorse  at  the  sacrihce  from  the  little  parajDhlet  once  so  dear 
to  me,  and  which  I  have  long  preserved  as  carefully  as  one 
does  a  memento  of  a  girl  who  has  jilted  liim,  a  token 
exchanged  when  all  was  love  and  conlidence.  I  only  change 
the  names  slightly : 

Prospkctcs  of  the  Humbuogio  Mininr  Company.  Capital  Stock  $206,'700. 
4,134  Shares,  each  share  represeiitincf  oiw  Spanish  foot,  at  $50 — $200,700. 

The  property  consists  of  800  varas  of  the  Mine  called  "Nuestra  Senora  del 
Hiimbuggio,"  and  578  varas  of  the  Mine  called  "La  Motherinlawo ; "  altogether 
1378  varas,  or  413-i  Spanish  feet.  2800  are  offered  for  sale  at  $50— $140,000; 
the  remaining  1334  feet  are  reserve4  by  the  proprietors. 

Will  be  paid  for  the  two  Mines  in  cash,  the  sum $50,000 

For  the  erection  of  Reduction  Works  and  for  working  capital  will 

be  required  the  amply  sufficient  sura  of. 62,000 

Leaving  a  reserve  fund  of 28,000 

$140,000 

The  sum  set  down  for  Reduction  Works  and  Working  Capital  includes  every- 
thing required  for  the  successful  working  of  the  Mines,  so  that  Shareholders 
will  only  have  to  pay  $40  per  foot. 

The  sum  of  $15  upon  each  foot,  or  share,  will  be  paid  on  subscription,  and 
the  balance  will  be  called  in  by  the  Directors  of  the  Company  in  uistallments 
when  needed. 

The  sum  of  $32,000  will  be  paid  for  the  mines  on  delivery  of  the  title-deeds, 
and  the  balance  of  $18,000  will  be  gradually  paid,  according  to  the  assessments 
made.  The  ores  are  argentiferous,  charged  with  gold;  are  docile  in  their  reduc- 
tion, and  will  average  at  least  $125 /^r  ton;  the  expenses  of  their  extraction  and 
reduction  by  the  barrel  process  may  be  estimated  at  about  $25  per  ton. 

At  a  distance  of  one  mile  and  a  half  from  the  Mines  there  is  a  suitable  place 
for  the  establishment  of  Reduction  Works,  dwellings,  etc.,  nevcr-failing  and 
healthy  water  being  supplied  by  a  creek,  while  timber,  fuel,  and  pasturage  arc 
in  abundance  cIo.se  by.  A  wagon-road  may  be  made  from  the  Mines  to  the 
Reduction  Works  at  an  outlay  of  a  few  hundred  dollars. 

A  steam-engine  of  sufficient  force,  and  a  twenty-stamp  battery,  with  the  cor- 
responding number  of  barrels,  will  be  required  for  the  reduction  of  twenty  tons 
of  ore  daily.  This  amount  of  ore  can  be  extracted  from  the  Mines  at  present, 
but  rnay  be  greatly  augmented  in  a  few  months,  when  the  present  workings 
have  been  expended.  During  the  erection  of  the  machinery  the  Company 
intend  to  reduce  the  ores  in  the  Mexican  patio  process,  so  that  the  proceeds  of 
the  Mines  will  pay  at  once  a  profit  of  from  $150  to  $200  a  day. 

The  Mines  of  the  Company  arc  situated  in  the  celebrated  Jesus  Mari;i,  in  ihc 
l?icrra  Madre,  or  Mother  Mountains,  in  the  State  of  Chihuahua,  Mexico,  dose  to 


272        OFFERED  A  PROFIT  BUT  REFUSE  IT. 

the  boundary  line  of  Sonora,  at  a  distance  of  250  miles  from  the  ports  of 
Guaj'mas  and  Agiabampo,  on  the  Gulf  of  California.  There  is  a  wagon-road  for 
about  two-thirds  of  the  distance  ;  a  couple  of  hundred  of  pack-mules  can  be  had 
at  a  few  days'  notice,  and  the  entire  freight  from  San  Francisco  to  the  Com- 
pany's Mines  will  not  exceed  $100  per  ton. 

The  climate  of  this  part  of  the  Sierra  Madre  is  delightful  and  healthy;  pro- 
visions are  low,  and  labor  is  abundant  and  cheap. 

The  above  Mines  hold  out  a  most  profitable  investment  in  the  Sierra  Madre, 
■which  is  generally  admitted  to  contain  the  richest  mines  of  the  Mexican 
Republic. 

Do  any  wonder  that  with  snch  a  prosj^ectus,  which  in 
every  word  and  syllable  stood  to  us  as  does  the  Koran  to  the 
Faithful,  Ave  were  jubilant  and  exultant  ?  The  stock  had 
then  cost  the  original  subscribers  $25  a  share.  A  little 
changed  hands  at  $100 — very  little,  however,  for  few  would 
sell  at  any  price.  And  this  firm  and  favorable  feeling  was 
immensely  strengthened  by  the  first  letter  of  the  superin- 
tendent, who  wrote  that  he  found  the  mine  better  in  all 
respects  and  more  promising  than  had  been  represented  ;  that 
it  was  better  than  Gould  and  Curry — and  he  being  an  old 
employe  of  the  latter  Company,  it  seemed  likely  that  he 
should  know. 

For  my  100  shares  I  was  offered  $100  each  in  gold — 
$10,000  in  all.  It  had  cost  me  but  $2,500.  The  temptation 
was  strong  to  sell,  but  who  likes  to  fling  fortune  away? 
However,  I  wrote  to  the  resident  Guaymas  correspondent  of 
a  neM'spaper  with  which  I  was  connected,  who  I  knew  had 
just  returned  from  a  tour  of  inspection  to  the  mines  of 
Chihuahua,  telling  him  my  offer,  and  asking  his  advice.  He 
most  emphatically  and  decidedly  advised  and  exhorted  me 
not  to  sell.  Such  a  mine  he  had  never  seen  ;  Golconda  paled 
its  ineffectual  ores  in  comparison.  And  the  surroundings ; 
the  wood,  the  water,  the  climate !  Well,  1  refused  the  offer, 
and  held  on. 

Our  Secretary  went  down  there  and  spent  two  or  three 
months,  returning  in  a  great  state  of  excitation,  with  his 
pockets  literally  "  full  of  rocks,"  as  specimens.  He  had  seen 
the  wealth  of  our  possessions  with  his  own  eyes ;  there  could 


REFUSE  MORE  PROFIT  STILL.  273 

be  no  doubt  about  it ;  and  he  bought  stock  right  and  left  of 
all  who  could  be  persuaded  to  part  with  anj. 

Bj-and-b_y  came  news  that  the  mill  was  up  and  ready  to 
run.  But  unfortunately  it  was  the  dry  season,  and  the  mill 
could  not  run  without  water.  Anon  came  the  rainy  season, 
and  then  the  mine  could  not  be  worked  because  the  shafts 
were  full  of  water.  It  struck  me  that  if  the  mill  could  not  be 
run  at  one  season  because  we  had  no  water,  and  the  mine 
could  not  be  worked  at  another  because  we  had,  returns 
might  be  rather  indefinitely  postponed.  But  this  little  objec- 
tion was  explained  away  ;  a  hydraulic  ram  would  moisten  the 
mill,  and  a  tunnel  would  drain  the  mine.  And  again  all  went 
merry  as  marriage  bells. 

We  received  regular  letters,  and  not  an  unfavorable  one 
among  them  all.  One  steamer  brought  a  letter,  but  not  the 
usual  accompanying  report.  This,  however  was  susceptible 
of  explanation  by  the  complaint  that  they  were  out  of  gun- 
powder. How  could  they  make  a  report  without  it  ?  A 
barrel  or  two  was  shipped,  and  reports  were  at  once  resumed. 
At  last  came  one  which  startled  every  stockholder  into 
ecstasies.  Three  hundred  and  fifty  tons  of  ore,  averaging 
$125  to  the  ton,  were  ready  for  the  mill.  The  next  day  the 
batteries  were  to  commence  their  poundings  and  the  quick- 
silver its  subtle  work  of  amalgamation.  "  Look  for  a  ship- 
ment of  $25,000  or  $30,000  by  the  next  steamer  !  "  wrote  the 
superintendent. 

I  was  now  oiFered  $150  a  share  for  my  stock— but  no. 
Tliis  was  my  opportunity,  and  I  was  resolved  not  to  lose  it. 
Bets  wci-e  offered  that  tlie  shares  would  go  to  $500  in  six 
months;  to  $1,000  within  the  year;  that  a  dividend  of  $5 
a  share  would  be  declared  within  sixty  days.  AVho  would  be 
such  a  fool  as  to  sell  under  such  circumstances? 

I  was  such  a  fool  as  not  to  ! 

In  due  time  came  the  steamer — bringing  intelligence  that 

the  three  hundred  tons  of  ore  worked  did  not  pay  expenses, 

owing  to  sonic  difficulty  in  its  proper  treatment,  and  that  we 

must  not  expect  a  shi])mcnt  for  some  little  time.     Then  I 

18 


27-1        ASSESSMENTS  NOW  COME  INSTEAD  OF  OFFERS. 

was  perfectly  willing  to  sell,  but  the  buyer  was  not  to  be  found. 

Still,  we  were  not  disheartened ;  assessments  were  levied, 
but  all  paid  them  cheerfully — for  we  had  confidence  in  the 
mine.  And  this  confidence  seemingly  brought  its  reward 
when  we  soon  got  a  hurrah  letter — a  regular  Fourth  of  July 
sort  of  a  document — from  the  superintendent.  "  I  have  the 
pleasure  of  informing  the  Ilumbuggio  Company,"  he  began, 
"that  the  mine  is  in  honmisa.^^  ("Bonanza"  really  means 
smooth  sailing,  a  fair  breeze,  etc.  ;  but  is  used  by  the  Mexi- 
can miners  to  express  very  rich  ores,  or  "  shoots.")  Speci- 
mens of  the  bonanza  accompanied  the  letter — lumps  of  soft, 
blue-looking  rock,  not  much  harder  than  clay,  all  spangled 
with  beads  and  threads  of  pure  silver.  Unfortunately,  how- 
ever, it  seemed  that  just  as  the  shaft  was  well  timbered  up 
for  extraction  of  ore  in  large  quantities,  the  water  rushed  in 
from  some  old  works  and  drove  the  miners  out.  So  another 
delay  was  indicated. 

And  so  the  thing  went  on  for  a  year  and  more — hope  and 
disappointment  alternating,  yet  a  secret  trust  underlying  the 
stratum  of  despair,  which  moved  us  all  to  pay  the  regular 
assessments  with  tolerable  composure. 

Once  embarked  in  an  enterprise  of  this  kind,  your  position 
is  somewhat  like  that  of  an  eel  in  a  mud-pipe — there  is  no 
backing  out,  and  the  only  way  is  to  wriggle  on  in  the  hope 
of  getting  out  at  the  opposite  and  larger  end.  Justice  com- 
pels mo  to  say  that  assessments  could  have  been  levied  with 
no  greater  regularity  by  any  set  of  directors  than  they  were 
by  ours.  As  regularly  as  the  month  came  round  the  stereo- 
typed advertisement  appeared  in  the  proper  newspapers  that, 
at  a  meeting  of  the  Directors  of  the  Humbuggio  Gold  and 
Silver  Mining  Company,  an  assessment  of  $2.50  a  share  had 
been  levied  upon  each  and  every  share  of  the  capital  stock 
of  the  Company,  and  that  all  shares  on  which  the  assess- 
ment was  not  paid  before  a  certain  date  would  be  advertised 
for  sale  at  a  given  time  in  accordance  with  the  by-laws  of  the 
Company.  Two  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  in  gold  is  not  to 
be  picked  each  month  of  the  year  on  every  bush. 


WE  CHANGE  THE  SUPERINTENDENT.       275 

For  the  first  time  in  mj  career  I  found  tliat  I  had  a  definite 
aim  in  life — to  clear  up  my  assessments  as  fast  as  they  became 
due.  It  was  nip  and  tuck  with  me  between  holding  on  to 
my  stock  and  being  sold  out ;  but  by  great  industry  and 
prudence  I  managed  to  keep  a  little  ahead  and  my  mouth 
above  water.  Not  so  the  mine ;  it  was  flooded  the  greater 
part  of  the  time  ;  but  a  tunnel  which  was  being  driven 
through  an  interminable  mountain  would  efiect  the  work  of 
drainage — when  completed.  The  mountain  being  of  a 
peculiarly  adamantine  construction  progress  was  only  made 
at  the  rate  of  about  six  inches  per  diem  ;  but,  as  there  were 
only  four  or  fiv^e  hundred  feet  to  be  tunneled,  that  didn't 
matter  much.     It  was  simply  a  matter  of  time. 

In  the  meanwhile  dissatisfaction  was  felt  with  the  super- 
intendent, and  his  removal  was  decided  upon.  The  fault,  it 
was  claimed,  was  all  his.  Comparing  the  sanguineness  and 
universal  approbation  with  which  his  administration  M-as 
accepted  with  the  result,  it  sometimes  occurred  to  me  that 
the  fault  perhaps  lay  in  the  mine.  But  no — several  of  the 
stockholders,  practical  miners,  who  had  examined  the  mine, 
and  were  familiar  with  its  every  inch,  were  confident  of  its 
value,  and  that  only  gross  mismanagement  could  have  thus 
far  prevented  returns.  So  another  superintendent,  an  original 
subscriber  to  the  stock,  and  a  man  of  extensive  experience  in 
various  mines  and  mills  all  the  world  over,  was  appointed 
and  sent  down.  He,  too,  was  highly  elated  on  arriving  at 
the  scene  of  action.  Of  course  he  fouTid  fault  with  every- 
thing that  the  former  superintendent  had  done,  and  remodeled 
and  reorganized  all  the  workings.  More,  he  wrote  up  offer- 
ing to  take  all  the  stock  that  was  offered  for  sale,  and  urging 
and  imploring  all  his  friends  to  buy  in. 

Just  as  the  new  superintendent  got  fairly  in  the  saddle, 
the  resident  director  at  Guayjnas  and  original  projector,  the 
ex-captain,  died.  At  a  meeting  which  was  held  in  conse- 
quence one  of  our  directors  piously  spoke  of  the,  untoward- 
ness  of  the  poor  Captain's  being  taken  away  just  as  every- 
thing looked  so  bright,  lamenting  that  he  could  not  liavc 


276  BUT  THERE  IS  NO  CHANGE  IN  RESULTS. 

been  spared  to  witness  the  .successful  fruition  of  the  great 
enterprise.  To  inj'  mind  it  seemed  that  the  regret  was  equiv- 
alent to  an  aspiration  for  the  immortality  of  the  deceased 
party  ;  but  still  I  hoped. 

Under  the  new  management  Humbuggio  stock  "  looked  up" 
— being  flat  on  its  back  it  could  not  well  look  any  other  way 
— and  I  had  an  offer  for  mine  which  would  have  let  me  out 
a  little  ahead.  The  temptation  to  take  it  was  sore  upon  me. 
For  I  began  to  say  to  myself  that  the  established  fact  upon 
which  we  all  had  been  accustomed  to  build  so  confidently, 
that  the  mine  had  yielded  immense  sums  of  bullion,  was 
rather  an  argument  against  its  promise  than  otherwise.  It 
proved  that  the  natives  knew  something  about  mining,  and 
the  inference  was,  that  they  would  not  have  abandoned  work 
had  they  not  found  that  it  could  not  be  continued  with  profit. 
It  occurred  to  me  that  if  they  could  not  make  the  mine  pay, 
and  our  first  superintendent  with  his  eminent  character  and 
Gould  and  Curry  experience,  could  gef  nothing  out  of  it,  the 
chances  were  that  the  mine  was  indeed  impracticable,  if  not 
valueless,  and  had  been  abandoned  for  that  very  reason. 
And  one  morning  I  started  out,  strong  in  my  common-sense 
deductions,  to  find  a  purchaser. 

"What,  sell  now  P''  cried  a  friend  whom  I  met  and  con- 
ferred with,  "  after  holding  on  so  long ;  absurd  !"  I  gave 
him  my  reasons.  He  explained  them  all  away.  The  upshot 
of  it  was,  that  when  the  man  wiio  had  made  the  offer  for  my 
stock  called  on  me  to  learn  the  decision,  I  refused.  For  the 
second  or  third  time  during  my  Humbuggio  probation  two 
fools  met. 

But  why  prolong  the  details  when  the  reader  must  already 
have  anticipated  the  cUnoument.  The  second  superintendent 
was  found  fault  with  and  dismissed,  and  a  new  one  appointed. 
My  good  friend  the  secretary,  after  a  severe  fit  of  sickness, 
brought  on  not  so  much  by  his  own  disappointment  as  by  the 
fact  that  he  had  innocently  been  the  means  of  causing  his 
friends  to  incur  losses  which  they  could  ill  afford,  took  the 
steamer  for  Guaymas  and  a  mule  for  the  interior,  afiirming 


HOW  I  GOT  OUT  OF  HUMBUGGIO  AT  LAST.  277 

his  determination  never  to  return  until  the  enterprise  was 
successful. 

"  Then  good-bye  forever,  old  fellow  !"  1  said,  as  I  shook 
hands  with  him  on  the  wharf. 

The  mine  was  then  deepty  in  debt,  and  the  rainy  season 
was  at  its  height.  But,  rain  or  shine,  the  assessments  went 
on  with  unvarying  regularity.  These  I  paid  with  a  Christian 
composure,  hoping  against  hope,  and  loth  to  sacrifice  what 
had  cost  me  so  much  for  so  little,  until  one  latal  day  the  end 
came.  The  good  Bank  of  California,  which  had  stood  my 
faithful  friend  through  thick  and  thin,  refused  to  make  any 
further  advances.  The  wonder  to  me  was  that  they  had  not 
nipped  me  in  the  bud  long  before,  for  the  stock  was,  and 
had  for  some  time  been,  hypothecated  to  them  for  twice 
what  it  was  worth.  But  all  bankers  are  not  blood-thirsty, 
and  occasionally  you  meet  one  who  consents  of  his  own 
accord  to  temper  the  wind  to  the  shorn  sheep.  Turning  my 
stock  over  to  the  Bank  of  California — the  only  institution  I 
knew  of  that  was  able  to  carry  it  any  longer — I  fled  the 
country  and  reached  this  glad  haven,  where  assessments  cease 
from  troubling  and  the  speculator  who  rejients  of  his  stu- 
pidity is  comparatively  at  rest. 

I  have  not  heard  from  the  Ilmnbuggio  directly  since  leav- 
ing San  Francisco.  Once  a  man,  who  said  he  came  directly 
from  the  mine,  called  upon  me  to  give  the  latest  news  from 
there;  but  I  yelled  for  a  policeman  immediately  he  made 
his  errand  known.  In  an  accidental  and  indirect  way  1 
have  heard  that  they  "  struck  a  horse "  *  soon  after  my 
leaving,  (whether  they  struck  any  more  asses  after  I  got 
away  from  them,  I  cannot  say),  and  that  the  mill  has  since 
been  running  on  custoui-work.  I  expect  yet  to  hear  that, 
diverted  from  the  glorious  purposes  for  which  it  was  origin- 
ally intended,  it  is  grinding  nmle-feed  for  the  rude  ranches 
of  the  primeval  people  who  inhabit  that  danmable  country 
where  Juarez  and  the  devil  hold  alternate  sway. 


"*  "  Striking  a  horse"  is  the  mining  phrase  for  suddenly  coining  upon  a  Icdgo 
of  utterly  barren  rocks. 


278  "A.  GENERAL  SUMMING  UP. 

"  "We  have  not  abandoned  the  enterprise,"  wrote  a  friend 
from  there  some  time  since  ;  "  we  are  simply  lying  on  our 
oars.  Lying  on  and  about  their  ores,  is  the  only  thing  the 
wretched  owners  of  those  worthless  mining  properties  have 
been  known  to  do  since  a  time  whereof  the  memory  of  man 
runneth  not  to  the  contrary. 

In  conclusion  I  have  very  little  to  say.  I  have  merely 
given  my  experience,  and  the  reader  can  draw  his  own 
deductions.  I  simply  wish  to  warn  the  multitude  of  their 
uncertainty  in  general,  and  disabuse  them  of  the  idea  that 
mines  which  will  turn  out  millions  of  dollars  a  year,  are 
often  sold  for  a  few  thousand  in  cash. 

My  little  investment  in  the  Humbuggio  cost  me  first  and 
last  just  $10,000  in  gold — more  money  than  ever  I  expect  to 
see  again  in  the  whole  course  of  my  natural  life.  From  the 
periling  of  such  an  amount  at  one  dash  I  would  of  course 
have  shrunk  with  horror ;  but  it  was  taken  by  installments. 
It  is  almost  incredible  how  speedily  one's  life-blood  can  drain 
out  in  a  tiny  trickling. 

Lay  your  money  down  on  the  green  cloth  and  you  know 
precisely  what  you  are  to  lose.  Stake  it  on  a  mining  venture 
and  you  are  entirely  at  sea  in  that  j)articulaV.  For  it  is  not 
only  the  first  step  there  that  costs.  The  sly  sapping  of  the 
inevitable  assessments,  is  as  insidious  but  as  sure  as  the  en- 
croachments of  rust  or  the  wearing  of  rock  by  a  constant 
dropping  of  water. 

My  other  little  mining  adventures  in  dear  delightful  El 
Dorado  cost  me  about  $5,000  more  in  gold.  And  the  first 
dollar  I  ever  received  from  any  connection  with  mines,  came 
from  this  article  narrating  my  experience.  !Not  only  was 
it  the  first,  but  I  regret  to  say  that  it  was  also  the  last. 
And  now,  when  you  further  know  that  I  have  "  opei'ated  " 
in  Wall  Street  at  different  times  with  different  results,  per- 
haps you  will  think  that  I  know  something  about  specula- 
tions, and  of  this  kind  of  gambling  am  enabled  to  speak  by 
the  cards ! 


CHAPTER  XL. , 

COMPRISING    MUCH    USEFUL    INFOKMATION  ABOUT   NEWPORT. 

"TTTIIEN  it  was  suggested  that  I  make  my  book  a  sort 
IT  of  a  "guide  book,"  touching  on  all  of  the  summer 
resorts  in  turn,  I  stood  aghast.  Saratoga  I  knew  something 
about  and  could  tackle  with  confidence.  But  none  of  the 
other  places  had  I  visited  in  years.  Explaining  this  to  my 
confidential  advisers,  they  said  it  made  no  difiference  what- 
ever ;  that  I  could  write  from  previous  recollections,  or  bring 
anything  I  had  written  down  to  the  present  time.  So  if  the 
dew  of  youth  is  not  very  fresh  on  this  chapter,  you  will 
understand  how  it  is. 

Fortunate  in  having  friends  at  Newport,  I  was  invited  to 
"  Moss  Bank,"  just  five  summers  ago.  Imagine  a  house 
built  mainly  of  brick,  with  brown-stone  cappings,  three 
stories  high,  with  a  mansard  roof,  surmounted  by  a  cupola 
in  which  hangs  a  bell  dug  up  from  a  mound  on  the  northerly 
bluft's,  supposed  to  have  been  buried  by  the  Danes  in  one  of 
their  early  visits  to  the  island  ;  two  piazzas  running  around 
the  house,  shaded  by  innumerable  vines,  the  blossoms  of 
which  waft  perfume  through  the  halls,  and  also  aftbrd  sus- 
tenance to  the  beautiful  and  celebrated  Japanese  caterpillar, 
whose  bite  is  certain  death.  On  these  piazzas  French  win- 
dows open,  for  the  convenience  of  guests,  and  any  wandering 
burglars  who  may  happen  to  be  in  the  neighborhood. 
Blinds  and  doors  hang  on  patent  hinges,  impossible  to  open 
from  within,  but  yielding  readily  to  the  slightest  attempt 
from  without.  The  approach  is  terraced  ;  on  every  side  you 
have  seen  how  the  hand  of  art  can  assist  the  pencil  of  nature, 

279 


280  NEWPORT  AND  LONG  BRANCH  CONTRASTED. 

and  right  here  you  see  how  the  foot  of  the  proprietor  can 
assist  wandering  vagrants  down  hill.  Just  imagine,  I  say,  a 
house  of  this  kind,  and  you  have  in  your  mind's  eye  a  per- 
fect idea — of  what  "  Moss  Bank  "  is  not. 

On  the  contrary  it  is  a  pleasant  little  cottage,  looking  on 
the  bay,  provided  with  bay-windows,  bay-horses,  facilities  for 
bathing  and  bezique,  a  billiard  table,  a  cellar  full  of  emj)ty 
bottles,  and  all  the  other  elements  of  solid  comfort  and  civil- 
ization. 

Newport  is  a  delightful  place,  with  only  one  great  draw- 
back— the  trouble  of  getting  to  it — unless  you  happen  to 
live  in  Boston.  Starting  from  New  York  by  steamboat — 
the  pleasantest  way  of  traveling  yet  invented — you  arrive 
between  two  and  three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  being  called 
to  turn  out  just  as  you  are  getting  ready  to  go  to  sleep. 
This  may  be  well  enough  for  early  birds,  but  to  one  of  my 
habits  'tis  not  suggestive  of  "  larks."  Setting  out  from  Bos- 
ton, however,  you  get  in  at  all  sorts  of  nice  hours,  and  find 
breakfast,  dinner,  or  tea, — just  as  you  choose  to  elect, — 
awaiting  you.  This  is  where  the  law  of  compensation  comes 
in.  1,  for  my  part,  had  rather  forego  Newport  to  all  eter- 
nity than  live  in  Boston  one  season  for  the  sake  of  contiguity. 
This  is  one  of  the  few  points  of  difference  between  me  and 
Emerson.  Yet  I  am  aware  that  quite  a  number  of  very  good 
men  have  lived  and  died — especially  died — in  Boston. 

Newport,  like  Long  Branch,  is  a  sea-side  resort,  but  here 
similarity  ends,  and  contrast  begins.  Newport  in  itself  is  a 
pleasant  place ;  it  has  walks,  drives,  natural  advantages  of 
scenery,  associations — a  history,  in  fact,  which  is  better  far 
than  a  race-course.  Long  Branch,  on  the  contrary,  is  the 
nakedest  concern  that  ever  stood  on  two  legs,  or  less.  Noth- 
ing is  raised  in  the  vicinity  but  the  visitor's  indignation  at 
finding  himself  there.  And  the  country  round  about  always 
reminds  me  of  the  spiritualist's  description  of  hell : — "  A 
long,  low  reach  of  sand,  little  fresh  water,  no  trees,  and  a 
right  small  chance  for  crops."  Its  greatest  drawback,  how- 
ever, is   its  being  within  easy  reaching  distance  of  all  the 


THE  COST  OF  COTTAGES.  281 

common  and  uncommon  idiots  whom  the  metropolis  affords 

DQoddy  slips  over  there  to  misspend  the  Sabbath.  AH  man- 
ner of  quacks,  in  law,  religion  and  physic,  go  there  to  swash 
in  the  water  and  advertise  themselves.  On  every  side  you 
see  show,  spangles  and  brass  buttons.  As  well  join  a  circus 
for  the  summer  as  go  to  LoTig  Branch  for  the  season. 

Newport,  on  the  other  hand,  rejDresents  solid  wealth,  com- 
fort and  elegance.  There  is  little  plating.  Visitors  do  not 
jingle  their  sixpences  in  one  another's  ears  in  vulgar  ostenta- 
tion. Persons  not  prone  to  offend  by  a  display  of  wealth  go 
to  Newport ;  I  patronize  no  other  seaside  resort.  Setting 
aside  the  fact  of  its  being  nearer  to  Boston  than  to  New 
York,  its  natural  advantages  are  excellent.  It  has  a  fine  sea 
beach,  tine  walks,  fiue  drives,  fine  cottages,  and  several 
very  respectable  and  tolerably  well  filled  cemeteries. 

The  cottages  along  Ocean  avenue  are  modest  little  aflfairSj 
built  simply  for  summer  use,  and  shut  up  with  the  coming  of 
the  first  frost.  On  the  average  they  do  not  cost  more  than 
8100,000  each,  though  some  range  from  $200,000  to  $300,000. 
Now  there's  no  use  in  spending  so  much  as  this  on  a  house 
to  be  occupied  only  three  months  of  the  year — $100,000  is 
quite  enough  for  a  man  of  simple  taste  and  economical  habits, 
and  his  neighbors  will  respect  him  quite  as  much  as  if  he 
laid  out  more. 

As  to  who  has  the  handsomest  cottage  on  the  avenue,  I 
shall  not  attempt  to  decide — though  perfectly  competent  to. 
The  Peruvian  minister's  is  a  snug  little  affair,  costing,  with 
its  grounds,  in  the  neighborhood  of  $300,000.  You  know  it 
when  you  pass  it  by  tlie  peculiar  Bark  of  the  dogs.  Bel- 
mont's is  a  good  one  to  halt  at ;  Morton's  is  rather  neat  for  a 
tailor,  and  Gardner  Brewer's  is  not  ineffective  in  the  distance 
— these  brewers  have  accumulated  money  wonderfully  since 
lager  became  a  fashionable  drink.  None  of  the  places,  how- 
ever, exactly  suits  me  /  I  prefer  one  where  1  know  there  is 
always  a  room  at  my  disposal.  Mrs.  George  Francis  Train's 
cottage  is  on  the  ocean  bluffs,  getting  full  benefit  of  the  big 
sea  breezes.     Probably  with  all  that  blowing  around  her,  she 


2S2  SEVEN-UP  IN  THE  MORNING. 

scarcely  knows  wliether  George  Francis  is  at  home  or  not. 

The  amusements  of  Newport  are,  to  a  certain  extent,  ster- 
eotyped, but  one  can  vary  tiiem  to  suit  his  own  tastes.  I, 
from  youth  up,  have  been  accustomed  to  play  a  vigorous 
game  of  seven-up  before  breakfast,  by  way  of  exercise.  Thus, 
the  first  morning  of  my  visit  at  Moss  Bank,  I  woke  from  my 
refreshing  slumbers,  and  challenged  Prof.  Osgood  of  Allfours 
academy,  Highbridge,  Jackfriars,  to  play  three  games  for  a 
quarter.  In  less  than  three  minutes  I  was  ingloriously 
skunked.  So  much  for  honest  industry  and  getting  to  work 
early  in  the  morning.  By  the  way,  if  ignorant  of  the  noble 
and  health-giving  game  above  mentioned,  or,  if  knowing  it, 
you  incline  to  look  upon  it  with  scorn,  just  get  a  copy  of 
Jean  Ingelow,  and  read  her  beautiful  and  stirring  "  Songs  of 
Seven  "-up. 

About  11  o'clock  a.  m.  a  drive  on  the  beach  to  see  the 
bathers  is  in  order.  This  is  fun,  if  you  don't  go  in  yourself. 
An  experiment  at  Long  Branch,  some  years  ago,  quite  satis- 
fied me.  The  companion  of  my  toils  and  pleasures  fainted 
dead  away,  and  in  a  manly  but  desperate  effort  to  rescue  her 
from  the  undertow,  1,  too,  shipped  more  water  than  I  could 
stand.  The  consequence  was  that  we  were  both  dragged  out 
in  a  most  limp  and  ignominious  condition,  she  with  her 
mouth  full  of  sea-weed,  and  her  back  hair  gone  by  the  board, 
to  be  borne  away  on  a  shutter !  I,  with  mouth  full  of  sand 
and  strange  oaths,  was  shoveled  to  high  water  mark  and  left 
there,  like  a  stranded  clam,  to  dry  and  repent  at  leisure.  A 
bath-tub  since  then  affords  all  the  salt-water  facilities  I  want. 

Looking  at  the  thing  from  an  outside  point  of  view,  it 
would  seem  to  require  a  deal  of  stern  self-sacrifice  in  a  girl 
to  go  into  a  bathing  house  gorgeous  and  come  out  a  guy.  I'd 
almost  as  soon  think  of  retiring  from  the  gaze  of  an  admir- 
ing crowd  to  burst  upon  their  astonished  view,  soon  after  in 
nothing  but  my  bones.  And  the  most  symmetrical  of  men 
and  maidens  look  rather  queer  and  sloppy  when  they  come 
out  of  the  water. 

Late  in  the  afternoon  a  drive  on  the  avenue  is  the  thing. 


WE  GO  A -SAILING.  283 

There  you  may  see  any  number  of  "  slap-up"  gals  in"  bang-up  " 
chariots.  Some  drive  pony  phaetons.  I  notice, that  a 
pretty  girl  never  drives  alone  or  with  one  of  her  own  per- 
suasion in  the  matter  of  sex,  while  an  ugly  one  either  drives 
singly  or  in  company  with  some  girl  a  shade  uglier,  if  possi- 
ble, than  herself.  Is  this  on  the  principle  that  misery  loves 
company?  The  avenue,  when  sprinkled,  makes  a  very 
pleasant  drive,  and  the  scene  is  decidedly  a  gay  one,  notwith- 
standing the  scarcity  of  fours-in-hand.  Where  are  they  all? 
I  looked  to  see  nothing  less  than  three  of  a  kind  shown  on 
any  hand,  but  very  few  of  the  gay  youth  seem  to  hold  more 
than  a  pair. 

One  thing  that  embalms  Kewport  in  my  memory  is  a 
sailing  party,  given  by  a  lady  correspondent  of  The  Great 
Moral  Organ.  The  bright  and  beautiful  who  were  of  the 
party  I  will  not  mention  by  name,  but  there  were  many  of 
us,  and  a  pleasanter  party  the  sun  never  shone  on.  Nor  did 
it  shine  exactly  in  this  instance.  A  dense  fog  was  setting  in 
when  we  got  under  way,  and  the  wind,  sou'-south-east  when 
we  started,  gradually  veered  around  to  south-east  by  south, 
lialf  south,  a  little  northerly,  I  thank  yon.  But  by  bowsing 
down  the  cat  harping^,  lashing  the  spanker  to  the  main  royal 
truck,  letting  the  gaff-topsail  jil)e,  hauling  taut  the  weather 
ear-ring,  and  rigging  a  f  uttock  shroud  athwart  the  star-board 
jib-boom,  marlinspike-wise,  we  managed  to  clear  our  hawse 
and  stand  weatherly  out  to  sea  with  a  wet  sheet  and  a  flow- 
int;  clew-line.  It  was  thouirht  at  one  time  that  we  should 
have  to  get  an  extra  pull  on  the  bight  of  the  larl)oard  cat- 
head, as  a  bark  was  seen  bearing  down  on  \is,  about  four  Ijclls 
of  the  dog-watch.  But  we  got  out  of  the  mess  by  jamming 
a  dead-eye  in  the  fore-foot,  whicli  relieved  the  forecastle 
some,  and  gave  us  a  better  look  to  windward,  after  which  a 
l)ull  at  a  small  flask  in  Prof.  Osgood's  port  pocket  brought 
us  up  all  right  and  set  .tlie  heel  of  the  mizzen-top-niast 
a-shivering. 

It  may  be  that  I've  got  tlie  sea  terms  and  nautical  maneu- 
verings  a  little  mixed,  but  they're  all  there;  arrange  them  to 


2SJ:  A  LEARNED  CONVERSATION. 

suit  yourself,  if  you  think  you  can  make  better  sense  of  it 
than  I  have.  If  you  don't  think  we  did  all  these  things,  ask 
'  Capt.  Bill,'  known  as  the  handsomest  skipper  of  Newport, 
and  particularly  patronized  by  ladies  on  that  account,  though 
as  a  pilot  on  a  fishing  excursion  he  is  less  of  a  success,  being 
comparatively  ignorant  of  where  to  find  flounders,  and  know- 
ing next  to  nothing  of  the  secret  haunts  of  the  wild  tautog. 

One  of  our  ladies  had  a  reputation  nigh  upon  world-wide 
as  a  linguist  and  deeply  read  scholar,  and  with  her  I  had  a 
delightful  time  of  it.  For  the  moment  I  knew  she  was  to  be 
of  the  party,  I  got  out  a  few  of  the  books  I  always  carry  in 
my  traveling  bag  and  read  up  on  metaphysics,  German  phi- 
losophy, geometry,  arithmetic,  and  the  other  things.  The  result 
was  that  she  didn't  get  me  once.  Our  conversation  was  car- 
ried on  principally  in  German,  out  of  deference  to  the  rest 
of  the  company,  who  were  not  very  well  up  in  Hebrew.  It 
of  course  made  very  little  diflerence  to  me  in  what  language 
we  spoke,  though  my  strong  suit  is  Kanaka.  I  regret  to  say 
that  in  this  beautiful  and  exceedingly  liquid  tongue  the  lady 
is  not  so  proficient  as  I  should  wish.  Thus,  when  I  said  to 
her: — 

"  Ora  matake  payee,  oo-oo,"  she  replied  : — 

"  Did  it  hurt  you  much  V  when  the  correct  thing  to  have 
said  was  "  muckee-muckee." 

But  one  can't  know  everything,  and  I  suppose  she  had 
never  eaten  a  missionary.  In  metaphysical  matters  we  didn't 
exactly  agree,  though  as  regards  main  truths  there  is  less  dif- 
ference between  us  than  you  might  suppose.  We  both 
believe  that  there  is  a  great  deal  of  human  nature  in  men 
and  women,  and  that  one  should  never  take  the  risk  of  losing 
his  jack  in  a  wild  and  probably  futile  attempt  to  make  game. 
As  to  the  origin  of  evil,  we  are  divided.  I  think  it  began  in 
Boston,  but  she  locates  it  in  Cambridge.  On  the  glacial 
theory,  too,  we  split — I  holding  to  the  theory  that  before  the 
invention  of  Catawba  cobblers  there  could  have  been  no  use 
for  such  an  amount  of  ice,  and  that  in  the  economy  of  nature 
nothing  is  produced  to  be  wasted  ;  while  she  contends  that 


WE  CAPTURE  AN  ENGLISH  YACHT.  285 

the  vast  fields  of  ice  were  not  thrown  away,  as  tliey  may 
have  been  meant  for  the  backsliders  of  the  primitive  church, 
and — but  1  will  violate  etiquette  no  further  by  details  of  a 
strictly  private  conversation.  Perhaps  I  have  already  gone 
too  far. 

The  English  yacht  Cambria  was  lying  in  the  stream,  and 
with  that  noble  disregard  for  private  rights  characteristic  of 
all  true  Americans,  we  boarded  her.  We  found  her  fast 
aground  on  the  li's  which  the  crew  had  inconsiderately 
dropped  overboard.  A  privateersman  she  could  not  be,  thus 
destitute  of  these  letters  of  marque !  Mr.  Ashbury  was 
aboard,  and  we  had  quite  a  pleasant  and  intelligent  conver- 
sation with  liira  regarding  the  different  build  of  American 
and  British  yachts.  He  thought  we  built  our  vessels  too 
narrow  in  the  beam  and  with  too  much  drao;  aft. 

"  Mr.  Ashbury,"  I  remarked,  "  can  you  conscientiously 
say,  on  your  word  as  a  British  sailor,  that  you  think  the  main 
chains  of  a  fore-and-aft  rigged  vessel  should  be  on  a  line 
with  the  cat-head,  instead  of  standing  flush  with  the  lanj^ards 
of  the  main  swifter — perhaps  a  trifle  abaft  rather  than  for- 
ward, but  certainly  not  on  a  dead  line  with  either  of  the  com- 
panion ways  or  the  starboard  gangway  ?" 

He  said  that  conscientiouslj'  he  could  not. 

"Then,  sir,"  I  said,  "you  confess  the  ])roud  pre-eminence 
of  Yankee  shipbuilding ;  and,  mark  me,  sir,  boast,  proud 
Briton,  as  you  may,  long  after  your  tarry  top-lights  are  shiv- 
ered, and  your  top-gallant  eyebrows  are  crumbling  in  the 
dust,  the  American  jack-stay  will  float  proudly  at  the  taff- 
rail  of  civilization !" 

And  with  that  I  hitched  up  my  trowsers  and  came  away. 


CHAPTEH  XLI. 

m  WHICH  WE    SHOOT   NIAGARA,  WITH   A   GOOSE    QUILL,  AWD   GET 
AWAY  COMPAKATIVELY  UNHARMED. 

AEEASON  very  mncli  akin  to  that  which  forbade  my 
discoursing  with  astounding  intelligence  about  Newport, 
interferes  to  prevent  my  letting  out  any  unusual  information 
as  regards  Niag-ara  Falls.  I  have  not  been  there  since  the 
new  Suspension  Bridge  was  built.  On  mentioning  this  to 
my  publishers  they  assured  me  that  on  the  whole  I  ought  to 
consider  myself  a  remarkably  fortunate  individual,  for  many 
persons  had  to  write  about  Niagara  without  ever  having  been 
there  at  all,  and  certainly  it  would  seem  that  I  ought  to  lay 
over  these  latter  a  little.  So  I  overhaul  my  note  book  again 
and  date  back. 

It  is  really  singular  how  few  clothes  one  wants  on  a 
journey,  if  he's  good  looking,  and  how  little  money  he  can 
get  along  with,  if  he  has  only  style  and  a  moderate  amount 
of  cheek.  An  eminent  tourist  was  explaining  to  me  recently 
how  he  traveled  from  Chicago  to  New  York  without  its  cost- 
ing him  a  cent — indeed  he  came  out  a  new  hat  ahead  when 
he  arrived  at  his  destination.  He  got  on  the  cars  in  the  first 
place,  without  money.  Of  course  the  conductor  could  not 
put  him  off  till  a  station  was  reached,  and  express  trains  don't 
stop  to  pick  people  up  at  fai-m-houses  as  accommodation 
trains  do.  So  he  got  quite  a  lift  at  the  start,  and  the  con- 
ductor gave  him  a  little  more  of  a  lift  when  he  landed  him. 
But  he  got  aboard  the  next  train  that  came  along.  At  the 
first  station  they  came  to,  that  conductor  put  him  off.     But 

286 


THE  PLEASUUES  OF  IJAILIiOAD    TUAVELIX(; 


ON  THE  KAUINQ  CANAL.  287 

lie  had  got  so  mucli  farther  on  his  journey.  And  in  little 
less  than  a  week  he  got  to  Kew  York — showing  how  much  a 
man  can  accomplish  by  perseverance  and  industry.  As  for 
meals,  he  told  people  along  the  road  that  he  was  a  granger, 
and  every  farmer  responded  with  warm  victuals.  At  the  last 
station  an  amateur  agriculturist  gave  him  a  new  hat,  and  would 
have  given  him  work  through  haying  time,  but  the  tourist 
declined.  As  for  getting  kicked  off  at  each  station,  he  didn't 
mind  that  much  after  he  got  used  to  it,  rather  enjoying  it 
than  otherwise  ;  but  he  did  confess  that  it  was  sort  of  rough 
in  the  beginning.  lie  says  he  intends,  if  ever  he  makes  the 
trip  again,  to  have  himself  cane-bottomed,  so  as  to  enjoy  the 
scenery  more. 

If  it  were  possible  to  be  kicked  and  stay  at  home,  getting 
along  just  as  far  in  the  direction  which  one  wished  to  go,  I 
tliink  I  should  adopt  the  alternative.  The  only  railroad 
traveling  that  has  any  comfort  about  it,  is  walking  along  the 
track  in  the  country  of  a  moonlight  evening,  a  pretty  girl  on 
your  arm,  and  no  train  due  for  a  couple  of  hours. 

Always  choosing  lines  of  water  travel  when  possible,  it 
irked  me  to  discover  on  this  occasion  that  we  were  running 
parallel  to  a  canal,  and  that  the  trip  to  the  Falls  could  cer- 
tainly have  been  accomplished  with  less  haste  if  not  more 
speed.  Of  course  there  is  a  popular  prejudice  against  canal- 
boats  ;  but  why  ?  They  are  quite  as  sure  as  slow,  and  I  never 
heard  of  one's  running  off  the  track  or  "turning  turtle" 
down  a  steep  embankment.  Nor  do  they  race  and  burst 
their  boilers,  and  do  other  sucli  actions  as  those.  Yerily  the 
tow-path  is  a  peaceful  path,  and  the  tow-lines  fall  in  pleasant 
places. 

The  canal  has  given  nomenclature  to  many  of  the  villages 
along  the  railroad.  1'herc  is  a  Brockport,  and  a  Lockport, 
and  a  Middleport,  and  several  other  ports,  which  a  canal-boat 
could  make  in  case  of  a  storm.  And  it  is  positive  luxury  to 
contemplate  the  dolce  far  niente  air  of  life  on  the  canal, 
bringing  up  memories  of  Venice,  gondolas,  and  gondoliers. 
I  should  not  like  to  be  a  canal-boat,  nor  a  canal-couk,  nor  a 


288  FIRST  VIEW  OF  THE  FALLS. 

tow-horse,  though  possessed  of  a  tow-head.  But  give  me  a 
comfortable  position  as  canal-captain,  with  nothing  to  do,  and 
plenty  of  time  to  do  it  in,  a  full  crew,  a  speaking-trumpet, 
and  a  regular  salary,  and  I  have  no  hesitation  in  saying  that 
the  measure  of  my  ambition  would  be  filled. 

A  very  few  minutes  after  leaving  Suspension  Bridge  you 
come  within  view  of  the  famous  Falls.  There  is  nothing  to 
be  seen  but  a  body  of  water  tumbling  over  some  ragged- 
looking  rocks,  a  cloud  of  spray  rising,  and  you  think  to  your- 
self, what  a  tempest  in  a  tea-pot.  Your  anticipations  all 
dashed  with  disappointment,  an  inclination  comes  to  sue 
somebody  for  breach  of  promise.  You  take  a  mortal  dislike 
to  Father  Hennepin,  and  rather  regret  that  his  name  and 
fame  were  not  committed  to  the  hands  of  incompetent  print- 
ers, who  would  have  handed  him  down  as  Terrapin  to  the 
remotest  generation.  But  the  next  day  you  visit  the  Cave 
of  the  Winds,  and  then — 

Just  hold  me  at  this  point,  and  by  the  exercise  of  mild 
violence,  if  necessary,  prevent  me  from  anticipating.  Stand- 
ing here  in  the  streets  of  a  primitive  looking  little  village 
the  roar  of  the  Falls  is  in  your  ear — and  you  say  to  yourself 
that  its  magniiicence  and  all  that,  is  in  your  eye.  On  every 
side  of  you  hang  those  Indian  bows  and  arrows — manufac- 
tured by  machinery  in  an  industrious  Massacliusetts  village 
— and  canes  which  you  fondly  hoped  to  leave  behind  at  Sar- 
atoga. The  same  ridiculous  reticules,  improbable  watch- 
cases,  and  impossible  slippers  confront  you.  You  are  besought 
to  buy  vases  and  crosses  and  cups  cut  from  "  Table  Eock," 
and  do  buy  them,  though  knowing  in  your  soul  that  Table 
Rock  was  all  cut  up  into  ornaments  years  ago,  and  that  these 
are  wrought  h\nn  a  peculiarly  soft  marble  found  in  Vermont. 
"  Finely  chiseled  !"  remarks  the  seller,  as  he  ])acks  up  a  bow- 
legged  Yenus  and  a  hump-backed  Hercules  to  your  address — 
and  indeed  it  occurs  to  you  that  you  have  been  ! 

A  sort  of  pretty-waiter-girl  system  obtains  at  the  stores 
and  it  works  on  unmarried  men  like  red-pepper  on  cucumber- 
bugs.     These  sirens  show  themselves  at  the  windows,  like 


FEMININE  PERSUASION.  289 

Eve  before  the  Fall — 1  do  not  mean  that  they  wear  Paradi- 
siacal costume,  but  simply  that  they  stand  before  the  Fall — • 
and  thus  the  bachelor  is  enticed  to  enter  ;  he  has  no  intention 
of  Ijuying;  simply  wishes  to  look  around  and  make  up  his 
mind  what  would  be  most  pleasing  to  his  family — his  little 
boy,  for  instance.  Sundry  things  are  shown  him ;  and  the 
result  is  one  often  seen  in  churches — those  who  come  to  scoff 
remain  to  pay  !  "  Thank  3'ou,  madam,  I'll  call  again  "  has  no 
charm  to  soothe  the  feminine  breast  in  this  locality,  and  so  he 
is  reluctantly  constrained  to  invest  in  some  article  of  personal 
apparel  or  adornment  which  he  cannot  wear  himself  and 
could  not  give  away  to  a  friend  without  provoking  a  breach 
of  amicable  relations  that  could  never  be  healed.  You  will 
behold  your  bachelor,  for  instance,  staggering  away  under  a 
birch-bark  sucking  bottle,  a  pair  of  baby's  shoes  made  of 
wampum,  or  swamp  'em,  and  a  glass  mug  said  to  be  blown 
from  Table  Rock,  on  which  is  inscribed,  "  To  dear  little  Wil- 
lie, from  his  dear 'papa,"  and  papa  is  spelled  with  two  p's. 
The  thought  occurs  to  you,  if  of  a  contemplative  turn  of 
mind  that  "dear  little  Willie  "  M-ill  be  a  little  dry  by  the  time 
tliat  mug  and  his  own,  come  in  conjunction.  But  men  can't 
be  mean,  and  honest  industry  must  be  sustained,  be  the  con- 
sequences what  they  may. 

"Oh,  what  a  fall  is  there,  my  countrymen,"  is  just  what 
Christopher  Columbus  remai-ked  when  he  first  discovered 
Niagara.  That  the  Falls  were  discovered  by  Father  Hairpin 
or  Father  Hennepin  is  a  popular  delusion.  The  great  mass 
of  thinkers  and  drinkers  could  not  well  be  farther  from  the 
truth.  The  fact  of  it  is,  not  only  were  they  discovered  but  they 
were  also  christened  by  Christopher,  "  Niagara,"  which  is  a 
Spanish  word  signifying  "  Large  mill  Privilege."  Having 
navigiued  the  river  thus  far  he  thought  he  wouldn't  go  any 
farther  that  night,  and  so  camped  out  on  Goat  Island, 
"wisely  concluding  not  to  take  his  vessels  up  the  Falls  that 
evening.  Kext  morning  he  felt  so  provoked  at  not  liming 
done  it  the  evening  before  that  he  concluded  not  to  do 
it  at  all,  determining,  after  mature  deliberation  and  consulta- 
19 


290  COLUMBUS  THE  DISCOVERER. 

tion  witli  bis  captains,  to  go  into  tlie  laundry  business  for 
which  the  place  afforded  excellent  facilities. 

Columbus  did  M'ell  until  he  went  into  the  Suspension 
Bridge  business.  Then  lie  failed.  Being  an  honest  man  he 
only  charged  fair  rates  of  toll,  and  never  attempted  to  swin- 
dle the  unfortunate  Americans  who  got  caught  over  on  the 
Canadian  side  after  twelve  at  night,  by  shutting  the  gates  on 
them  and  charging  double  toll  home  again.  His  suspension 
followed  soon  afterwards,  and  the  bridge  has  now  passed 
into  the  hands  of  an  incorporated  company,  who,  having  nei- 
ther conscience  nor  honor,  nor  anything  else  which  interferes 
with  the  material  prosperity  of  man,  have  got  enormously 
rich  as  a  natural  consequence,  and  are  cursed  by  all  who  fall 
into  their  clutches.  Any  one  of  the  guides  for  a  considera- 
tion will  show  you  the  top-boots  that  Christopher  wore  when  he 
waded  between  Goat  Island  and  the  mainland,  and  perhaps 
the  musket  with  which  the  great  discoverer  undertook  to 
ishoot  the  rapids. 

It  is  a  very  costly  elephant  to  see,  this  great  lop-sided 
Niagara,  and  you  exclaim  to  yourself  in  astonishment,  Ver- 
ily, how  wonderful  are  the  works  of  nature, — aud  how  dear  ! 
There  is  so  much  to  see  and  so  much  to  pay.  You  see  a 
guide  on  every  hand  and  have  to  pay  him  at  ever}^  step.  lie 
charges  you  for  pointing  at  a  thing  and  makes  another  charge 
if  you  touch  it.  He  charges  you  for  going  and  he  charges 
you  for  coming;  he  charges  for  putting  you  into  the  water 
and  he  charges  for  pulling  you  out;  he  even  charges  you  for 
cliarging  you  to  be  careful.  But  there  are  certain  things 
that  must  be  done,  and  Lundy's  Lane  battle-ground  is  one  of 
them.  To  do  it  you  have  to  climb  a  tower  M'ith  steep,  wind- 
ing stairs,  till  you  are  too  dizzy  to  know  whether  you're 
going  down  in  a  hand-basket  or  up  in  a  balloon.  Then  you 
have  to  listen  to  the  prolix  story  of  an  old  Englishman,  who 
says  he  was  there  or  thereabouts  at  the  battle,  until  you  yawn 
and  wonder  why  in  the  providence  of  God  he  was  not  killed 
at  the  time.  For  a  long  story  up  a  iive-story  tower  is  a  little 
more  than  human  patience  can  bear.     And  there  is  nothing 


A  BULiNlNG  SPRING.  291 

to  be  seen  all  the  while  but  a  field  planted  with  corn  and 
promising  anything  but  a  favorable  yield.  Coming  down 
stairs  the  view  betters,  for  if  the  day  be  favorable  you  catch  a 
glimpse  of  pretty  ankles  as  the  young  ladies  of  some  other 
party  skip  gaily  up. 

Then  there  is  the  "  burning  spring,"  which  blazes  like  a 
tar-kiln  if  you  touch  a  match  to  it,  and  smells  like  the  left 
wing  of  the  pit,  whether  you  do  anything  to  it  or  not.  The 
boy  who  shows  it  off  runs  a  tube  down  into  the  waters  and 
then  strikes  a  lucifer.  A  bright  flame  kindles ;  he  puts  a 
finger  over  the  aperture,  splitting  the  jet  and  shooting  the 
flame  off  in  different  directions  without  experiencing  so  much 
as  a  single  singe. 

"  Why  does  it  not  burn  him  ?"  I  asked,  of  no  one  in  par- 
ticular. 

"  Because  he  has  not  taper  fingers,"  replied  a  young  man 
wearing  blue-glasses,  who  evidently  had  been  standing  round 
for  a  week  or  two  waiting  for  that  opportunity. 

Then  in  the  evening-there  are  "  hops  " — on  the  Canadian 
as  well  as  on  the  American  side  of  the  river.  The  Kanucks 
have  a  peculiar  style  of  going  through  the  mazy — a  hop,  skip, 
and  jump  movement,  suggestive  of  kernels  of  com  on  a  hot 
skillet.  To  me  it  seems  rather  strange  that  people  should 
dance  at  Niagara.  They  can  do  that  at  home.  Are  there  no 
quiet  country  villages  and  barn-floors,  where  nothing  else 
can  be  done,  that  they  must  come  here  to  caper  nimbly  to 
the  lascivious  pleasing  of  the  flute,  fiddle,  and  loud  bassoon 
while  the  great  cataract  is  sounding  its  solemn  base  in  their 
ears,  and  making  the  ball-room  floor  vibrate  with  the  mighty 
tread  of  waters  wliicli  never  have  had  a  master? 

But  what  would  Augustus  Adolphus,  Mdio  of  course  puts 
in  a  part  of  his  vacation  at  Niagara,  do  for  the  display  of  his 
new  trowsers,  if  lie  could  not  teter  through  the  Lancers  with 
them  ?  And  Matihla — but  why  mention  the  weaker  ves- 
sel. Slic  is  but  tlic  natural  result  of  Augustus.  Given 
the  one,  you  are  sure  to  have  the  other  as  a  logical 
result.      Poor  Matilda!    I  am  sorry  for  her;    sometimes  I 


292  JOHN  PAUL'S  PIGEON  WINGS. 

believe  she  has  a  soul  to  save,  and  if  she  has  not,  it  is  Iier  mis- 
fortune more  than  her  fault.  She  was  educated  at  a  fashionable 
school,  where  young  ladies  are  crowded  up  a  regular  ladder, 
and  occasionally  boosted  two  steps  at  a  time  to  hasten 
things,  the  only  idea  being  to  get  them  turned  off  as  soon  as 
possible.  Their  chief  end  and  aim  in  life — impressed  upon 
them  from  earliest  infancy — is  to  "get  established."  To  get 
established  means,  in  their  circle,  to  get  "  married."  Kot  to 
marry  a  man  whom  it  is  possible  to  love  and  honor,  not  to 
accomplish  woman's  destiny,  and  raise  np  children  who  shall 
be  an  honor  to  the  Stale,  but  simply  to  have  a  brown-stone 
front,  a  carriage,  and  a  weak  back. 

As  for  dancing,  has  any  one  ever  seen  John  Paul  cut  a 
pigeon  wing  or  throw  his  graceful  form  in  the  mazy  to  the 
lively  trois-temps  ?  No  ?  Ah,  well,  then  you  have  something 
in  life  to  live  for.  People  come  from  far  and  near  to  recreate 
themselves  with  the  pleasing  spectacle.  The  chief  character- 
istic of  the  performance,  is  length  and  strength.  In  conse- 
quence a  good  deal  of  time,  and  corresponding  space  are  re- 
quired. To  see  me  go  down  the  room  steering  tlie  chaste 
Cornelia,  you'd  think  me  a  three-decker,  with  a  light-sparred 
craft  alongside  and  the  wind  several  points  abaft  the  beam. 
The  brigs,  brigantines,  schooners  and  smacks  of  the  ball- 
room make  way,  knowing  that  otherwise  they'd  be  cut 
down  to  the  water's  edge.  A  collision  nnder  such  circum- 
stances would  be  a  catastrojihe.  I  am  happy  to  say  that  only 
one  occurred  during  the  wild  career  of  my  first  evening  at 
Niagara,  when  I  arose  in  my  strength,  like  a  giant  flushed 
with  wine,  and  threw  things.  The  unfortunate  couple 
whom  we  struck  were  coming  down  on  our  starboard  bow, 
while  we  were  going  large  before  it — a  wdiole  tropical  breeze. 
We  struck  them  amidships,  and  I  carried  away  a  chignon  on 
my  cutwater,  while  tlie  Cornelia's  outriggers  and  stun'  sail 
booms  were  covered  with  white  waist  cloths,  shirt  collars  and 
other  standing  rigging  of  the  lesser  and  weaker  vessels. 
Not  heard  of  subsequently,  it  is  conjectured  that,  rudderless 
and  dismasted,  their  top-hamper  clinging  heavily  to  their 
sides,  they  must  have  gone  over  the  Falls. 


JOJIN   l'\[l|,  JOINS  IN  TIII'J  M  \/.V   DANCK. 


THE  FRAGRANCE  OF  FANDANGOES.        293 

But  what  is  the  use  of  dancing  at    all  unless  you  do  it  up 
with  a  vigor  which  shows  that  you  enjoy  it  ?     For  my  part, 
dancing  chiefly  for  exercise,  I  contrive  to  get  plenty  of  it. 
Sometimes  though,  I  mainly  douht  if  it  be  the  chief  end  and 
aim  of   human  existence   to  work  one's  self  into  a   heavy 
sweat — pardon  me,  I  intended  to  say  into  a  state  of  intense 
perspiration — and  then  limp  off  to  bed  like  a  wet  rag,  to 
wake  the  next  morning  fatigued  and  unrefreshed.     What  is 
the  use  of  putting  on  clean  collars  and  stay-laces,  simply  to 
wilt  them  down  ?  And,  as  a  general  thing,  I  have  noticed  that 
people  do  not  bouquet  worth  a  cent  in  ball-rooms.     Is  this 
fact  generally  known  !     Even  Arabella,  who,  under  ordinaiy 
circumstances,  is  a  jolly  japonica,  a  happy  heliotrope,  a  tender 
tuberose,  a  very  violet  of  fragrance,  after  a  dozen  round-dances 
does  not  exhale  the   aroma  of  Araby — nor  what  my  spirit 
fondl}^  believes  is  the  normal   essence  of  Arabella.     This  I 
mention  in  no  captious  spirit,  but  simply  for  the  benefit  of 
young  ladies.     They  should  take  time  to  cool  off  between 
galops,  waltzes,    and   such    things.     Great   guns   are   never 
exercised  too  freqnently  :  after  a  certain  number  of  rounds,  it 
is  always  the  rule  to  run  in,  and  rest,  and  sponge  them. 

There  is  some  dispute  as  to  whether  the  Canada  Falls  or 
the  American  Falls  is  the  finer.  Without  pretending  to  be 
a  very  good  judge  of  water  I  still  make  bold  to  say  that 
either  of  them  would  turn  a  very  good  sized  water-wheel,  and 
in  any  event  the  question  is  of  little  importance,  since  we 
shall  some  day  annex  the  Canada  Falls  and  a  good  many  other 
things,  and  then  there  will  be  no  bother  about  it. 

Those  who  go  to  Niagara  and  do  not  go  through  tlie  Cave 
of  the  Winds  miss  a  great  deal  of  discomfort — and  a  fair 
knowledge  of  what  the  Falls  are.  It  is  all  very  well  to 
sneer  and  make  jokes  about  them,  and  "guess  they  don't 
amount  to  much  after  all,"  wlien  standing  on  the  solid  earth, 
but  come  to  stand  under  them,  the  thing  is  different.  Then 
they've  got  you  in  the  door,  so  to  speak.  In  company  with 
quite  a  party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  made  the  trip,  and 
with  your  kind  permission  will  tell  you  what  we  saw  in  the 
next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  XLII. 

AND   NOW   WE   WIND   THROUGH   THE    CAVE    OF    THE    WINDS. 

TIME  :  a  past  summer,  whose  grasses  long  since  were 
gathered,  whose  leaves,  then  fresh  and  green,  have  since 
had  several  burials  beneath  the  snows  of  successive  winters, 
and  quite  as  many  resurrections. 

Scene  :  the  piazza  of  the  Cataract  House,  at  Niagara. 

Dkamatis  Persons  {place  aux  dames) — Bella,  the  bru- 
nette, graceful  and  stately  as  a  mountain  pine ;  Sappho,  the 
blonde,  whose  eyes  have  caught  the  color  of  the  morning 
skies  ;  Yioletta,  the  bewitching,  who  has  always  had  her  own 
way,  and  can  never  be  persuaded  to  have  any  one  else's ; 
Eoxanna,  a  delegate  from  New  England,  whose  bump  of 
self-poisedness  and  go-aheadativeness  is  large  and  well-defined. 
In  the  fore-ground  sits  Narcissus,  his  attention  about  equally 
divided  between  Sappho  and  his  patent-leather  boots;  on  the 
right  wing  strides  Don  Miguel,  swarthy  but  courteous  ;  on 
the  left,  mounting  guard  against  any  raid  upon  the  cliair 
which  he  has  temporarily  quitted,  John  Paul  may  be  seen, 
his  classic  profile  showing  in  studied  relief,  against  the  white 
pillar  whereon  he  leans.     So  much  for  the  grouping. 

"  Who  is  for  the  Cave  of  the  Winds  this  morning  ?"  speaks 
the  cheery  voice  of  Mrs.  Japonica,  chaperon  of  the  lady  part 
of  the  party. 

"I,"  and  "I,"  and  "I,"  and  "I,"  and  "I,"  and  "I,"  and 
"  I,"  cry  all.     Not  a  dissentient  voice  among  the  group. 

"  Put  to  vote  and  unanimously  carried,"  remarks  Narcissus. 

"  S%  it  is  one  vara  good  plan,"  says  Don  Miguel,  brushing 
the  ash  from  his  first  cigarette. 

294 


E2<  ROUTE  FOR  THE  "  CAVE."  295 

"Then  order  out  tlie  barouche,"  continues  Mrs.  Japonica; 
"  how  many  are  there  of  us  ?" 

"  We  are  seven,"  replies  John  Paul. 

"  Too  many  by  twice  ;  but  the  distance  is  short,  and  it  is 
scarcely  worth  while  to  get  up  another  carriage.  You  young 
people  must  walk ;  we  old  fogies  will  ride." 

By  this  the  barouche  was  at  the  door ;  Mrs.  Japonica,  with 
her  bod3'-guard  of  matrons,  got  in  ;  "  forward  "  was  sounded, 
and  the  train  was  soon  in  motion.  In  accordance  with  all 
military  precedent,  the  light  infantry  of  the  young  marclied 
in  the  van ;  the  heavy  artillery  of  the  married  brigade  fol- 
lowing on  lumbering  wheels. 

The  walk  from  the  Cataract  House  to  Goat  Island  follows 
down  and  along  the  rapids,  crossing  the  bridge  where  a  toll, 
varying  according  to  age,  size,  sex  and  condition,  is  demanded 
of  each  person.  There  is  little  of  interest  to  be  seen  on  the 
way  if  we  except  the  water,  of  which  there  is  quite  enough 
to  satisfy  the  most  exigent  duck  ;  but  the  summer  having 
been  a  particularly  rainy  one,  water  was  not  at  all  new  and 
scarcely  attracted  remark. 

"  This  way  to  the  Cave  of  the  Winds,"  said  a  number  of 
sign-boards,  and  there  was  no  difficulty  in  finding  the  place. 
The  first  station — the  ante-chanil)cr,  so  to  speak — is  a  frame- 
building,  looking  not  unlike  a  barn ;  here  you  prepare  for  an 
introduction  to  the  inner  mysteries. 

The  })reparation  consists  in  divesting  yourself  of  the  mag- 
nificent habiliments,  the  purple  pantaloons  and  fine  linen,  in 
which  you  have  been  accustomed  to  disport  yourself  before 
the  critical  feminine  eye,  and  putting  on  the  garments  which 
the  guides  if  not  the  gods  have  pn>\ided  for  you.  Tliese 
being  cut  to  suit  the  length  and  breadth  of  average  humanity, 
the  fit  is  not  remarkably  perfect  if  you  chance  to  be  either 
over  or  undersized.  John  Paul,  being  cast  in  a  dimimitive 
mould,  looked  very  much  as  a  bean-pole  would  arrayed  in  a 
]»urscr\s  shirt.  Nor  is  the  material  of  these  garments  tjiat 
which  your  tailor  commends  to  consideration  on  the  ground 
that   it   is  "imported."     Blue   gingham   trowsers,  fastened 


296  DRESSED  IN  GORGEOUS  ARRAY. 

round  the  waist  with  a  cord  like  that  which  the  Trappist 
monks  wear,  an  oil-skin  pea-jacket,  bound  with  a  similar  gir- 
dle, and  a  flapping  oil-skin  hood,  buttoned  so  tiglitly  around 
the  neck  and  under  the  chin  that  at  the  expiration  of  five 
minutes  you  imagine  that  by  some  singular  mistake  your 
head  has  been  popped  into  a  stew-pan,  constitute  the  upper 
rigging.  Moccasins  of  white  felt  are  bound  upon  your  feet, 
and  the  attire  is  complete.  This  is  the  court-dress  which  you 
must  don  if  you  seek  audience  with  the  Winds. 

The  dressing-rooms  are  not  quite  so  comfortable  as  the 
ones  you  have  been  accustomed  to.  The  floor,  instead  of 
with  a  carpet,  is  covered  with  sand  and  broken  clam-shells ; 
the  wash-bowl  has  a  large  hole  in  the  bottom,  and  the  pitcher 
is  without  a  handle.  A  looking-glass  is  provided  that  you 
may  start  out  with  a  cheerful  sense  of  the  repulsiveness  of 
your  personal  appearance  ;  but  this  being  cracked  in  several 
places  aggravates  your  unsightliness,  and  distorts  you  into  a 
monster  of  so  frightful  mien,  as,  to  be  hated,  needs  but  to 
be  seen !  And  there  being  no  bell  about  the  room  you  are 
forced  to  make  yourself  seen,  if  you  find  it  necessary  to  have 
a  reef  taken  in  the  slack  of  your  trowsers,  or  want  a  shingle 
nail  to  supply  the  place  of  a  missing  button.  The  comb  and 
brush  at  the  disposal  of  the  guests,  are  suggestive ;  but  not 
being  particular  about  the  parting  of  your  hair  just  now  you 
conclude  that  you  will  not  use  them. 

One  thing  not  over  and  above  pleasant  about  the  aifair  is 
that  your  gingham  trowsers  are  wet  and  dripping.  A  large 
fat  gentleman  has  just  jumped  out  of  them.  There  are  sev- 
eral sensations  in  life  more  pleasant  than  thrusting  your  legs 
into  wet  trowsers.  So  thought  Narcissus.  He  barely  got  a 
foot  in  before  he  started  back  with  a  yell  of  dismay  :  "  Thun- 
der !  I'm  subject  to  rheumatism  and  neuralgia.  If  I  put 
these  wet  rags  on  I  couldn't  stir  for  a  week  !"  And  he  at 
once  decided  not  to  go.  It  being  necessary  that  some  one 
should  watch  our  money,  diamond  sleeve-buttons,  and  shirt- 
studs,  Frodsham  watches  and  chains,  it  was  at  last  arranged 
that  to  him  this  responsible  post  should  be  assigned.     At 


THE  PROCESSION  OF  PILGRIMS.  29t 

last  the  toilets  were  made,  and  after  stopping  a  moment  to 
eet  breath  and  allow  Don  Misjnel  to  relieve  himself  of  a  hne-e 

D  C'  Q 

Spanish  oath  and  a  clam-shell  which  was  in  his  moccasin,  the 
gentlemen  sallied  out  into  the  hall. 

The  ladies  were  not  visible. 

Rat,  tat,  tat  at  the  door  of  their  room : — "  Ladies,  are  you 
readv?" 

The  door  opens  about  two  inches  and  the.  nose  of  Bella  is 
visible,  with  the  eyes  of  Yioletta  peeping  over  her  shoul- 
der:— 

"  Oh,  we  can't  come  out  in  this  rig  with  all  those  people 
looking  at  us  ;  tell  those  men  to  go  awa}'' !" 

"We,  in  our  uncommon  attire,  were  mistaken  for  nothing 
but  "  men  !" 

But  aside  from  us  there  was  quite  a  crowd  around.  One 
of  the  sights  of  Niagara  is  to  see  the  procession  of  pilgrims, 
male  and  female,  starting  for  that  Mecca  of  the  waters  known 
as  the  Cave  of  the  Winds.  Multitudes  go  over  to  the  island 
expressly  to  witness  the  exhibition. 

As  the  naughty,  naughty  men  would  neither  be  persuaded 
nor  ordered  away,  the  ladies  finally  came  out,  timidly,  and 
casting  furtive  glances  around  to  see  if  any  body  was  laugh- 
ing at  them.  Their  movement  was  sideways  and  deprecating, 
like  that  of  a  crab  when  first  trying  locomotion  in  a  new 
shell. 

I  have  spoken  of  the  procession  as  one  of  pilgrims;  the 
simile  is  a  good  one,  bari-ing  the  lack  of  cockle-hats  and. 
staffs,  for  the  shoon  arc-  here,  and  oil-skin  M'ould  pass  current 
with  even  the  unimaginative  mind  for  sackcloth,  M'hile  the 
gray  sand  which  sprinkles  the  garments,  answers  for  ashes. 

Hand  in  hand,  down  steep,  winding  stairs,  the  party  goes, 
the  ladies  occasionally  tripping  in  their  unaccustomed  stylo 
of  sli])pers — but  never  falling — some  one  always  standing 
ready  to  catch  them. 

The  ledge  of  rock,  level  with  the  foot  of  the  Fall,  reached, 
a  stand  is  made  and  the  order  of  advance  determined  on. 
There  are  two  guides — Palinurus,  who  has  been  at  the  busi- 


298  AT  THE  FOOT  OF  THE  FALLS. 

ness  for  fifteen  years,  a  grizzled  old ,  veteran,  and  Aquarius, 
younger,  with  a  weakness  for  the  gentler  sex  and  diving.  It 
is  arranged  that  Palinurus  shall  lead  with  Bella,  John  Paul 
to  follow  next  with  Viuletta,  then  Don  Miguel  with  Rox- 
anna ;  Aquarius  bringing  forward  the  rear  and  covering  the 
flank  with  Sappho. 

"  Tramp,  tramp,  tramp,  the  boys  are  marching," 

sings  Bella,  lightly,  as  she  skips  along  the  plank  walk  whose 
further  end  is  lost  in  mist,  gayly  as  though  treading  a  ball- 
room floor.  Yioletta  walks  slower  and  trembling,  so  that 
the  advance  couple  are  behind  the  Fall  and  lost  to  view 
before  she  and  John  Paul  come  up.  The  others  have  stopped 
to  tighten  their  girths,  so  that  there  are  none  to  aid  this 
timid  couple  if  they  come  to  grief.  They  are  now  at  the 
very  foot  of  the  Fall — and  what  a  fall !  The  great  volume 
of  water  thunders  down,  dashing  the  spray  into  poor  Yio- 
letta's  face  and  blinding  her.  A  noise  as  of  ten  thousand 
siege-guns  is  in  our  ears  ;  the  winds,  roaring  up  from  the 
chasm  and  whirling  and  twisting  the  spray  into  fantastic 
shapes  which  seem  the  ghastly  guardians  of  the  entrance, 
snatch  away  our  breath. 

A  scream  of  terror  from  Yioletta.  "  Oh,  I  can't  go  on  ! 
let  me  go  back,  I  shall  die  !" 

But  the  worst  is  half  over.  No  time  for  remonstrance  or 
talk  about  swapping  horses  now.  "  Come  along !"  and  by 
main  strength  John  Paul  bears  Yioletta  along. 

"  Let  me  go  back,  I  tell  you !"  and  the  little  hands  are 
clenched  and  let  out  straight  from  the  shoulder,  while  the 
little  feet  kick  a  livelier  measure  than  ever  they  moved  to  in 
dancing  measures. 

But  the  Pubicon  is  passed,  and  we  are  behind  the  Falls. 
The  scene  is  sublime  and  terrible  as  well  as  wet.  Through 
the  curtain  of  waters  which  falls,  shutting  out  the  outer 
world,  the  sun  looks  like  a  great  emerald.  The  winds  howl 
and  rage  untd  you  fancy  that  Ulysses  must  be  around  with 
the  ox-hide  bag  which  ^olus  gave  him,  and  that  again  its 


Ss 


■i^lts^'^lln!     Ill 


tipteip 


'  I.KT   MK  liO   It.M  K  ;    I    SUM. 


1 1 1 1') 


BEHIND  THE  FALLS.  299 

month  has  been  indiscreetly  loosened.  Talk  of  Euroclydon, 
white  squalls,  tornadoes  and  pamperos,  indeed,  the  breath  is 
now  fairly  blown  out  of  your  body !  And  so  counter  are 
the  currents  of  air  that  the  best  disciplined  wind-mill  would 
not  know  which  way  to  turn.  You  are  quite  as  much  at  a 
loss.  A  feeling  of  helplessness  comes  over  you ;  for  the  first 
time  you  comprehend  your  own  nothingness  and  the  terri- 
ble might  of  Niagara. 

Heretofore  you  have  seen  it  from  altogether  another  stand- 
point ;  safe  on  the  firm  eai-th,  with  the  blue  sky  above,  birds 
singing  in  the  trees,  and  all  the  lovely  panorama  of  nature 
stretching  around  you,  the  whole  seemed  a  great  show-piece, 
gotten  up  for  your  amusement.  IS'iagara  was  simply  a  tum- 
bling harlequin  on  a  somewhat  larger  scale  than  the  usual 
one.  Now,  however,  it  is  different,  and  you  realize  how 
materially  circumstances  alter  cases.  Then  you  had  them ; 
now  they  have  you,  and  it  does  not  seem  at  all  certain  but 
that  they'll  keep  you  permanently.  Before  you  have  been 
in  the  habit  of  patronizing  them,  of  lamenting  that  they  are 
not  mineral,  that  they  might  be  bottled  and  turned  to  some 
practical  account.  Now  you  feel  very  much  like  crawling 
into  a  bottle,  and  the  impression  is  paramount  that  a  pint 
one  would  hold  you.  The  cataract  leaps  at  you  like  a  hungry 
lion — no ;  blot  out  the  simile,  it  is  tame  !  A  whole  desert  of 
lions  could  not  swallow  you  as  these  unchainable  waters 
would,  sinking  you  to  such  unfathomed  depths  that  scarcely 
the  trump  of  the  archangel  could  reach  you.  For  the 
moment  you  seem  at  their  mercy,  and  feel  that  mercy  you  do 
not  deserve.  After  scoffing  at  the  waters  you  have  crossed 
tlieir  threshold,  entered  their  most  familiar  home — annihila- 
tion is  the  least  punishment  which  you  can  expect. 

You  are  lost — literally  as  well  as  in  wonder  and  awe. 
After  leading  you  against  the  dead  wall  of  rock,  over  Avliich 
the  waters  are  leaping,  the  plank  walk  has  come  to  a  sudden 
end.  You  can  scarcely  scale  the  wall,  for  it  is  moist  and 
slipi)ery,  as  well  as  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  cJievaux-de-frise — which  may  be  freely  trans- 


300  VEILED. 

lated  into  water-horses — which  guard  the  summit.  Paliniirus 
and  Bella  are  not  to  be  seen.  They  may  have  fallen  into 
the  hell  of  waters  which  is  seething  and  boiling  at  your  feet. 
The  thought  is  not  a  pleasant  one.  Palinurus  is  a  stranger, 
certainly,  but  he  is  also  your  friend  and  guide,  and  just  at 
present,  though  lost  to  sight,  is  to  memory  dear.  For  Bella 
you  have  a  special  regard.  All  this  while  you  are  straining 
eyes  and  ears,  but  between  the  driving  spray  and  howling 
winds  can  see  and  hear  nothing,  which  does  not  tend  to 
lessen  your  embarrassment.  Yioletta  would  be  fainting  if 
she  did  not  consider  it  her  bounden  duty  to  scream.  Eegard- 
less  of  the  fact  that  you  have  not  the  customary  thickness  of 
broadcloth  on,  her  lingers  tighten  on  your  arm  until,  though 
conscious  that  it  is  virtue's  self  which  pinches,  you  are 
tempted  to  wheel  around  and  remark,  "  This  is  vice." 

"  "Wait  here  a  moment,"  says  John  Paul ;  "  I  will  go  ahead 
a  few  steps,  and  find  the  road  or  Palinurus." 

"  No,  don't  leave  me  !     Pm  sure  I  shall  die  !  Oh,  I  do  wish 
I  was  at  home !  " 

John  Paul  wishes  so  too;  he  is  not  accustomed  to  such 
precious  responsibilities.  For  the  first  time  he  realizes  the 
peculiarity  of  his  position.  If  Violetta  should  be  lost  how 
could  he  meet  tlie  reproaches  of  her  mamma?  She  is  an 
only  child.  A  jury  of  his  countrymen  would  convict  him  of 
daughter-slaughter  in  the  first  degree.  He  might  file  a  cave- 
at, but  would  it  stay  proceedings  ?  Of  course  the  only  thing 
to  be  done  if  Yioletta  went  under  the  Falls  would  be  to  go 
over  after  her ;  chivalric  custom  would  demand  the  sacrifice. 
But  how  absurd  that  would  be !  How  much  better,  iiow 
much  nicer,  to  just  hasten  home  to  the  hotel,  and  write  a 
splendid  obituary  for  the  newspapers — perhaps  turn  off  a 
neat  copy  of  complimentary  and  elegiac  verses ! 
|r  But  the  darkest  hour  is  always  just  before  day.  Pelief  is 
at  hand.  "  This  way  ! "  shouts  Palinurus,  suddenly  looming 
Tip  like  the  Flying  Dutchman  from  a  mist.  Following  his 
lead  we  cut  across  the  Fall,  and  soon  strike  a  good  plank 
walk  again,  where  Bella  stands  laughing  and  clapping  her 


OUT  OF  THE  VALE.  301 

hands.  That  young  lady  does  not  know  what  fear  is  ;  if  she 
felt  inclined  for  a  shower-bath  just  now  you'd  see  her  step 
out  under  the  catai-act  as  coolly  as  though  she  had  never 
taken  any  other. 

But  there  is  more  trouble  on  the  side  we  have  just  left. 
Sappho  is  fainting,  and  Don  Miguel,  having  his  hands  and 
anus  full  of  Roxauna,  can  lend  Aquarius  no  assistance.     To  . 
support  one  woman  is  about  all  that  one  man  can  do  in  this 
world,  and  more  than  a  sensible  man  cares  to  undertake. 

"  yiSacre  .^  "  mutters  the  Dun  between  his  set  teeth. 

I  do  not  know  what  the  word  means,  but  am  told  that  it  is 
Spanish  for  "  Come  here  a  minute  ! " 

Palinurus  dashes  over  to  the  rescue,  and  two  pair  of  stout 
arms  bear  Sappho  over  to  a  place  of  rest  and  safety.  Her 
blue  eyes  beam  out  after  a  while,  and  her  lips  resuming  their 
red,  unclose  to  murmur,  "  Oh,  it  was  dreadful !  " 

"  You're  about  right  there,  Sappho,"  says  Yioletta. 

!Now  it  is  comparatively  plain  sailing,  and  very  good  head- 
way is  made.  The  pilgrims'  path,  however,  is  in  a  measure 
one  of  penance,  as  the  rocks  have  cut  holes  in  their  "  slioon," 
and  the  result  is  similar  to  what  it  would  be  had  they  put 
unboiled  peas  in  them  at  starting.  At  the  first  I  mentioned 
that  the  shoes  were  "felt" — now  the  pebbles  are. 

Once  out  from  the  valley  of  the  sliadow,  John  Paul  became 
quite  blithe  and  jubilant.  "Picking  my  way  along  these 
rocks,"  remarked  he,  "  I  find  that  I  develop  the  sagacity  of  a 
chamois  goat  in  combination  with  a  grasshopper  agility, 
moral  attributes,  and  ])hysical  qualities  the  latent  existence 
of  whicli  was  never  before  suspected  by  myself  or  my  most 
intimate  friends." 

Seated  on  a  moss-covered  rock,  watching  the  waters,  and 
talking  over  the  perils  passed,  calm  and  contentment  shone 
on  every  face.  Anon  Joim  Paul,  taking  off  his  hood,  wiped 
the  perspiration  from  his  bald  head  with  a  bunch  of  dry 
weed,  and  sententiously  delivered  himself  as  follows  : — "  This, 
my  friends,  is  emblematical  of  life.  Fair  and  smiling  at  first 
setting  out,  doubt  and  danger  beset  us  ere  the  meridian  was 


302  JOHN  PAUL  PHILOSOPHIZES. 

readied.  The  sun  was  hidden  from  our  gaze,  and,  missing 
its  bright  face,  we  thought  it  quenched,  but  it  still  shone 
beyond  the  mist.  Safely  we  passed  through  the  tumultuous 
winds  and  blinding  waters.     Faith  guided  our  steps — " 

"  You'd  not  have  done  much  without  me,"  put  in 
Palinurus. 

"And  now,  behold,  we  have  gained  the  smooth  waters 
beyond.  So  is  it  ever.  I  tell  you  my  friends,  that  there 
are  more  linked  analogies  between  the  seen  and  unseen 
world  than  we  short-sighted  mor — "  Here,  rising  with  his 
subject,  he  at  the  same  time  scrambled  to  his  feet. 

"  Take  care  ! "  shouted  Palinurus ;  but  it  was  too  late. 
"With  philosophy  on  his  lips,  philanthropy  in  his  heart,  and 
his  left  leg  gyrating  like  the  loose  arm  of  a  pair  of  callipers, 
John  Paul  slipped  into  the  smooth  waters  whose  praise  he 
had  just  spoken. 

Being  a  heavy  body  he  sank  like  a  stone.  After  him 
dived  Aquarius.  Finding  no  available  hair  to  seize,  the 
diver  caught  him  by  the  garments  just  below  the  small  of 
his  back,  and  landed  liim  safely  on  the  rock. 

"  Go  on,  Mr.  Paul,"  said  Sappho,  "  that  was  a  very  nice 
little  speech  you  were  entertaining  us  with." 

"  No,  thank  you,"  replied  Mr.  Paul,  "  I've  done." 

A  short  distance  from  the  shore  were  some  rocks,  on 
which  several  couple  were  seated. 

"  Let's  go  out  there  !  "  said  Bella. 

The  proposition  was  unanim.ously  agreed  to,  and  again  the 
train  was  in  motion  ;  the  chamois  picking  his  way  along  the 
rocks  with  care  now,  and  displaying  none  of  the  bounding 
propensities  which  before  characterized  his  career.  A  stop- 
page soon  occurred.  As  is  well  known  one  refractory  woman 
or  mule  can  halt  a  whole  train. 

Palinurus  and  Bella  had  taken  the  initiative  and  were 
wading  out  to  the  rocks.  Yioletta  measured  the  water  and 
the  distance  with  a  keen  eye ;  her  mathematical  bumps 
dilated ; — "  It's  above  Bella's  waist,  and  it  would  be  up  to 
my  chin.     Don't  let's  go.     "We  might  get  drowned  !  " 


WADING  TX.  303 

"  1^0  danger  marm,"  said  Aquarius. 

*'  There  is,  I  tell  you,  and  I  won't  go."  She  spoke  so 
persistently  that  Sappho  hesitated  and  began  looking  around 
for  a  life-preserver,  while  even  Roxanna  stood  undetermined. 
As  for  Yioletta  she  planted  herself  resolutely  on  the  rock. 

"  Will  you  not  come  wiz  me,  ladees  ?  there  is  not  of  dan- 
ger," urged  Don  Miguel. 

"  No  I  worCt  go ;  "  and  the  positive  pilgrim  stamped  another 
hole  in  her  shoes  by  way  of  emphasis.  As  for  the  others 
they  put  off  and  reached  tlieir  destination  in  safety.  True 
to  his  charge,  however,  John  Paul  sat  patiently  down  and 
waited  a  turn  of  the  tide  in  the  feminine  mind. 

Leave  ladies  alone  and  the  chances  are  that  they'll  do  as 
you  want  them  to.  Remonstrate  or  reason  with  them  and 
you  might  as  well  attempt  to  stir  a  cathedral  from  its  founda- 
tions. The  way  that  Bo-Peep  was  advised  to  do  with  her 
sheep  is  the  only  way  to  deal  with  the  "opposite" — I  had 
almost  written  contrary — sex. 

In  two  or  three  minutes  Violetta  announced  an  ambition 
to  wade  out  to  the  rock  where  the  others  were,  slie  could 
not  be  happy  without  it.  So  Palinurus  came  over,  she 
waded  in,  and  harmony  and  good-will  once  more  obtained. 

Out  on  the  rock  the  party  was  variously  entertained. 
Palinurus  related  the  strange  things  which  had  occurred 
since  he  had  officiated  as  valet  de  chamhre  to  Niagara. 
Among  other  things,  how  several  3'oung  ladies  had  been  car- 
ried over  tlie  Falls  with  their  best  clothes  on,  and  how  one 
fell  from  Table  Rock,  the  body  being  recovered  after  a  num- 
ber of  days  in  a  dreadfully  mangled  condition — all  uf  which 
was  very  cheerful  information  and  highly  provocative  of 
hilarity,  especially  among  the  ladies. 

Then  Aquarius  exhibited  divers  feats  of  diving.  lie 
would  "  tui-n  turtle  "  off  the  rock,  curling  his  legs  over  as  he 
went  down  like  the  tail-feathers  of  a  drake,  bringing  up 
weeds  in  his  mouth  and  fragments  of  shells  in  his  hands. 
These  treasures  were  in  great  demand,  and  each  lady  ])acked 
her  cavalier  with  a  load,  giving  a  stirring  injunction  that  on 


304  WE  GATHER  SHELLS. 

no  account  should  the  precious  relics  be  lost.  The  gingham 
trowsers  being  unprovided  with  pockets  the  question  of 
transportation  assumed  a  decidedly  serious  phase.  Don 
Miiiuel  stowed  his  hood  full  of  shells  and  wadded  his  chest 
with  small  boulders — making  a  treasure-chest  of  it.  John 
Paul,  who  was  intrusted  with  Violetta's  treasures,  concealed 
them  in  some  mysterious  way,  and  on  being  asked  about 
them  simply  replied  that  they  were  safe. 

On  reaching  home  Yioletta's  heart  was  made  glad  by  the 
delivery  at  her  room  door  of  a  bushel  or  two  of  shells  and 
cobble-stones.  Don  Miguel,  however,  having  lost  his  in  the 
water,  was  soundly  berated  on  all  sides.  Were  the  truth 
known,  John  Paul  cpiietly  dropped  the  stuff  confided  to  him 
back  into  the  water  on  the  other  side  of  the  rock,  that  Aqua- 
rius might  find  something  when  he  dived  for  others  next 
day.  On  the  beach  and  about  the  hotel  he  picked  up  a  few 
fragments  of  rocks  and  crockery,  which  looked  about  the 
same  and  answered  Yioletta's  purpose  quite  as  well — better, 
in  fact,  for  there  was  one  curious  bone  in  the  collection 
which  could  not  have  been  fished  up  in  the  river.  Thus  did 
John  Paul  do  his  devoir  and  nobly  vindicate  his  trustworth' 
iness. 

From  one  of  his  profounder  divings  Aquarius  brought  up 
a  bump  on  his  head.  It  is  odd  that  none  of  the  ladies 
wanted  to  secure  it  to  remember  the  occasion  by.  Asked  if 
it  hurt  him  he  replied,  "  No,  he  didn't  mind  such  things 
much,  he  was  used  to  them,  it  made  him  feel  good  rather 
than  otherwise."  Here  you  have  a  striking  illustration  of 
the  advantages  of  early  education. 

The  road  home  is  much  more  comfortable  than  the  one  out. 
The  guides  kindly  volunteered  to  take  the  party  through  the 
cave  again,  if  any  of  them  wished  "  to  repeat,"  but  none  pro- 
fessed a  desire  to.  One  heat — or  rather  one  chill — was 
quite  enough.  The  fact  is,  that  after  having  been  in  the 
water  and  through  the  water  and  under  the  water  for  an 
hour  or  two,  dry  clothes  and  the  warm  sun  suggest  them- 
selves as  comforts  peculiarly  adapted  to  the  season.     Some- 


THE  PILGRIMS  WANT  SOMETHING  HOT.  305 

thino-  hot  would  not  be  objected  to  by  even  the  most  devout 
disciple  of  Father  Mathew. 

"  On  ordinary  occasions,"  remarked  John  Paul,  as  the 
train  wound  its  M'ay  over  the  little  foot-bridge  in  front  of  the 
Falls,  "  I  scorn  the  intoxicating  bowl,  and  am  particularly- 
down  on  all  beverages  which  cheer  without  inebriating  ;  but 
at  the  present  moment  I  would  consent  to  take  a  little  mild 
stimulant,  not  to  gratify  the  depraved  craving  of  a  vitiated 
appetite,  but  simply  for  the  preservation  of  my  teeth — which 
are  in  a  fair  way  for  rattling  out  of  my  head." 

From  this  little  foot-bridge  you  have  an  excellent  outside 
view  of  the  Falls.  Strange  thoughts  come  over  one  as  he 
gazes.  For  thousands  of  years  these  waters  have  been  plung- 
ing on  in  their  mad  career,  and  yet  their  voice  is  as  loud, 
their  tramp  as  defiant,  their  sweep  as  resistless  as  ever.  The 
rocks  are  hoary  with  mosses,  but  no  symptom  of  old  age 
shows  on  the  crest  of  the  cataract.  Generation  after  genera- 
tion has  passed  away,  forms  of  animal  and  vegetable  life 
have  been  blotted  from  existence,  stars  have  faded  from  the 
sky,  yet  the  waters  continue  majestic  in  might  and  full  in 
volume  as  the  first  day  that  they  were  created.  Good- 
natured,  too,  they  are  all  the  while ;  wouldn't  much  mind 
carrying  you  over,  if  you  happened  to  drop  in  their  way,  and 
they  never  seem  afraid  of  getting  wet  by  falling  into  the  river. 

There  is  nothing  like  moral  reflections  occasionally.  They 
relieve  the  mind  of  the  writer  and  give  the  reader  a  breath- 
ing spell. 

After  gaining  the  shore  the  party  was  treated  to  a  beauti- 
ful rainbow.  Some  were  disposed  to  view  it  as  gotton  up 
specially  for  the  occasion  ;  but  I  am  informed  that  the  sight 
is  by  no  means  an  uncommon  one.  This  was  a  very  fine 
bow,  indeed ;  one  of  the  successes  of  the  season.  Some  of 
our  art  critics  might  have  slightly  objected  to  the  tone  and 
coloring,  but  it  is  certain  that  they  could  have  foinid  no 
fault  with  the  drawing;  as  the  arch  was  perfect. 

"What    makes    the    rainbow    round?"    asked    Sappho, 
thoughtfully. 
20 


306  WHAT  MAKES  RAINBOWS  ROUND. 

"  Is  that  a  conundrum  ? "  inquired  Bella. 

"  No,  I  should  really  like  to  know,"  retiimed  Sappho. 
"  Perhaps  you  can  tell  me,  Mr.  Paul." 

"  Certainly,"  replied  that  gentleman,  clearing  his  throat  and 
assuming  an  oracular  attitude.  "Rainbows  are  formed  in 
the  regions  of  the  heavens  opposite  to  the  sun,  by  the  refrac- 
tion, reflection,  and  separation  into  the  colors  of  the  pris- 
matic spectrum  which  his  rays  undergo  in  the  drops  of  falling 
ram. 

"  Put  it  is  not  raining  now,"  remarked  Roxanna. 

"No,"  said  Bella,  "but  it  is  spraying,  which  amounts  to 
about  the  same  thing  if  you  have  no  umbrella." 

"  But  what  makes  the  rainbow  round  f  that  is  what  I 
want  to  know,"  said  Sappho. 

"  Have  I  not  explained  to  you.  Miss  Sappho,  that  the 
refraction,  reflection,  and  separation  of  the  sun's  rays  into 
the  colors  of  the  prismatic — " 

"  Yes,  I  know,  but  bother  your  prismatics ;  you  got  that 
out  of  the  dictionary,"  said  Bella.  "  That  accounts  for  the 
colors,  but  we  want  to  know  what  makes  rainbows  roundP 

"  Because  they  look  better  round  than  square,  I  suppose," 
said  Sappho.  "  Beaux  are  always  'round — sometimes  when 
it  would  be  moi'e  convenient  to  have  them  away." 

"  My  explanation  was  certainly  very  lucid,"  remarked 
John  Paul,  with  an  injured  look.  "  If  after  listening  to  it 
you  can  not  understand  why  rainbows  are  round  I  am  very 
sorry  for  you,  but  my  duty  is  accomplished."  Indeed  there 
was  cause  on  his  part  for  aiiger  and  indignation.  For  he 
knew  no  more  than  the  man  in  the  moon  "  what  makes  rain- 
bows round  " — nor  does  he  to  this  day. 

But  for  all  that  he  went  on  with  his  moral  reflections. 
"  Strange  that  the  rainbow  should  have  kept  its  colors 
unfaded  since  first  they  were  painted  on  Creation's  morn, 
and—" 

"  Not  so  long  as  that,"  put  in  Yioletta,  "  only  since  the 
flood." 

"  Since  water  ran  and  the  sun  shone,"  persisted  Mr.  Paul, 
"  science  assures  us  that — " 


WE  PROMISE  TO  REMEMBER  THE  GUIDE.  307 

"I  don't  care  wliat  science  assures ;  I'll  believe  what  my 
Bible  says  before  anything  else,  and  you're  an  infidel  if  you 
talk  so  ;  and  I  wont  walk  home  with  you — so  there  now  !  " 
and  Violetta  went  back  under  the  protection  of  the  guide, 
leaving  her  philosopher  and  friend  to  wonder  if  he  was 
indeed  lost  to  grace  forever. 

*'  You'll  remember  the  guide  ?  "  said  Aquarius,  at  part- 
ing. 

"  Certainly,"  I  replied,  "  while  memory  holds  her  seat  in 
this  distracted  brain,"  and  the  party  moved  on. 

"  Why,  he  expected  you  to  give  him  something,"  whis- 
pered Sappho. 

"  Did  he  ?  "  replied  John  Paul,  absently;  "  it  didn't  strike 
me  so." 

The  journey  to  the  dressing  station  was  a  very  silent  one. 
The  ladies  were  thoroughly  tired,  and  needed  a  deal  of  assist- 
ance getting  up  the  steep  stairs ;  but  the  ascent  was  safely 
accomplished  at  last.  On  calling  for  Narcissus  lie  was  found 
to  be  absent,  and  suspicions  were  entertained  that  he  had 
decamped  with  the  money  and  jewelry  ;  but  after  a  while  he 
turned  up  all  right,  with  a  smell  of  lemon-peel  on  his  lips. 
Jle  accounted  for  it  by  saying  that  he  had  just  eaten  an 
orange.  The  long,  single  curls  which  young  ladies  wear 
clinging  to  tlieir  shoulders  like  honey -suckles  looking  rather 
limp,  and  their  hair  generally  being  out  of  crimp,  the  neces- 
sity of  getting  home  as  soon  as  possible  was  suggested  by 
Mrs.  Japonica  and  acceded  to  unanimously.  The  most  tired 
of  the  excursionists  rode  in  the  carriage,  but  a  few  who 
wished  to  sliovv  their  indefatigability  walked. 

Dinner  was  enjoyed  that  day,  a  carte  llanche  being  given 
fur  wine.  "  JIow  did  Iloxanna  get  on  without  her  chape- 
?'07i.?"  asked  Mrs.  Japonica  after  the  dessert  was  brought 
on. 

"  Oh,  capitally,"  cried  Sappho,  "  she  had  a  chap  of  her 
own ! " 


CHAPTEE  XLIII. 

THE   EECOKD    OF   A   WEEK's   WILD   DISSIPATION   AT   THE   HUB. 

MY  mind  is  very  much  improved.  I  have  been  to  Boston  ! 
There  are  several  ways  of  going  to  Boston,  and  each 
has  its  special  disadvantages.  If  you  go  by  raih-oad,  you  are 
stifled  by  dust  and  smoke,  and  obliged  to  lie  awake  all  uight 
in  a  slee])ing-car.  If  you  go  by  the  Sound,  you  are  obliged 
to  get  up  about  as  soon  as  you  lie  down,  at  Fall  Eiver.  The 
boat  reaches  this  place  just  as  you've  begun  to  dream  that 
Jerusha  Jane  is  willing,  that  her  obdurate  papa  has  relented, 
while  her  mamma,  though  not  carrying  her  animosity  so  far 
as  to  stand  in  the  way  of  her  dear  child's  happiness,  obsti- 
nately refuses  to  live  under  the  same  roof  with  you.  Just  at 
this  moment,  when  the  clouds  which  before  hung  over  your 
life  have  become  but  a  thin  saccharine  vapor,  ready  in  another 
moment  to  be  precipitated  and  contlensed  into  that  full  and 
round  globule  of  sweetness,  the  honey-moon,  at  this  very 
moment — at  this  most  bewitching  hour  of  the  night — comes 
a  pounding  and  trampling  at  your  state-room  door,  and  you 
are  dragged  forth  to  take  the  cars  for  Boston. 

"  Blast  Boston !"  you  say.  This  is  wrong  and  illogical. 
It  would  be  much  better  to  dam  Fall  River,  for  then  the 
boats  would  not  get  in  so  early, 

I  do  not  know  but  that  it  would  have  been  better  for  me 
to  outline  a  word  up  above  there  by  some  such  skeleton  as 

d m,  for  as  we  approach  Boston  I  feel  more  than  ever 

before  the  need  of  being  truly  proper.     And  the  homonyme 
of  my  word  is  always  indicated  by  a  "  d,"  a  dash,  and  an  "  n  ," — 

308 


CURSIXG  BY  DOTS  AND  DASHES.  309 

why,  I  will  not  undertake  to  declare,  since  it  is  simply  iden- 
tical with  condemned.  But  I  never  remember  to  have  seen 
the  sjnonyme  printed  "  cond — d."  It  would  look  an  awfully 
wicked  word  if  it  were  ?  By  the  custom  referred  to,  the  best 
of  persons  are  set  to  swearing  whether  they  will  or  no  in  an 
attempt  to  properly  fill  up  the  blanks  left  for  blasphemy. 
One's  ingenuity  is  taxed ;  the  profanity  assumes  the  propor- 
tions of  a  puzzle,  and  one  begins  tumbling  over  a  hat  full  of 
bad  words  to  find  profane  pegs  which  fit  these  special  holes. 
And  after  all  there  seems  to  be  but  little  real  method  about 
the  exhibition  of  the  words.  Thus,  I  might  uncensuredly 
write  of  a  carping  critic  that  he  damned  me  with  faint  praise, 
but  reporting  the  language  used  by  one  of  those  irate  hack- 
men  with  whom  we  occasionally  have  to  do,  I  must  put  it 
that  he  d — d  my  eyes, — no  matter  how  faint  the  praise  with 
which  he  accompanied  the  objurgation.  Yet  'tis  likely  the 
liackman  the  while  bore  in  his  heart  less  malice  towards  me 
than  the  critic  did,  and  really  cursed  me  in  less  degree, — 
damaging  me  but  mildly  in  comparison.  Even  if  I  had  glass 
eyes  he  couldn't  break  them  by  mere  verbal  projectiles.  And 
why  not  indicate  the  injury  done  me  by  d's  and  dashes  in 
the  one  case  as  in  the  other?  More  harm  is  done  by  these 
blanks  and  asterisks,  I  fancy,  than  would  come  of  printing 
the  word  or  phrase  in  full.  They  serve  simply  as  finger- 
posts to  fix  the  attention  of  a  reader  carelessly  running  down 
the  page.  If  a  word  be  indeed  profane  or  indecent,  why  set 
anything  to  stand  for  it?  An  attempt  to  compromise  the 
matter  is  simply  ridiculous.  Quite  as  well  might  you  think 
to  serve  the  interests  of  modesty  by  hastily  slapping  hat  and 
boots  on  a  black-bearded  ruflian,  innocent  of  other  attire,  and 
leading  him  into  company. 

There,  that  duty  done,  let  us  pursue  the  j)ath  along  which 
purity  points  and  where  virtue  waits  us. 

Ilailroad  traveling  never  very  pleasant,  has  one  special 
terror  connected  with  it,  if  one  takes  a  train  before  day-lireak. 
"^'oung  ladies  in  the  dim  gray  (jf  the  morning,  half  asleep, 
are  ai>t  to  straggle  along,  and  duni])  themselves  in  your  lap. 


310  PECULIARITIES  OF  BOSTON. 

I  never  did  like  tJiat  !  And  then  they  find  out  tlieir  mistake, 
discover  that  you  are  not  a  cushion,  and  get  up  and  go  away, 
which,  on  the  whole,  is  rather  more  aggravating,  if  anything, 
than  their  sitting  down. 

You  fall  into  a  doze,  imagine  you're  iniquitous,  and  the 
next  thing  you  know  you're  in  Boston. 

A  nice  place  it  is,  chiefly  inhabited  by  nice  people.  The 
hackmen  don't  swear,  but  wear  black  hats,  and  w411  drive  you 
anywhere  for  fifty  cents.  No  liquor  is  sold,  but  a  little  may 
be  obtained  most  anywhere,  for  "  mechanical  purposes."  Peo- 
ple don't  say  "  Let's  take  a  drink,"  but  "Let's  lubricate." 

I  saw  nobody  drunk  in  Boston,  but  I  did  see  a  good  many 
who  seemed  very  much  discouraged.  One  very  nice  looking 
old  gentleman  was  trying  to  tell  an  ash-barrel  the  way  to  the 
state  house.  He  mistook  the  ash-barrel  for  a  stranger,  and 
took  for  granted  it  wanted  to  know  the  way  to  somewhere 
for  strangers  always  do  in  Boston.  And  Boston  people  are 
polite.  They  are  always  ready  to  tell  one  the  way,  and  will 
go  along  and  point  it  out  to  you  if  there  seems  any  doubt 
about  your  finding  it.  But  they  lubricate  a  little  too  much 
considering  the  inefiiable  essences  of  things,  the  propinquity 
of  the  Ked  Slayer,  and  the  crookedness  of  their  streets.  Of 
course,  with  so  much  lubrication  none  of  them  ever  get  tight, 
though,  naturally  enough,  some  of  them  come  to  run  a  little 
loosely  in  the  grooves  at  times. 

There's  a  deal  of  fun  made  about  the  Common,  but  I  don't 
see  why.  It's  apparently  as  nice  a  bit  of  ground  as  you'd 
wish  to  see  and  an  admirable  place  for  the  young  people  to 
go  and  relax  and  unbend  their  minds.  After  the  severer 
studies  of  the  day  are  over,  they  wander  hand  in  hand  by 
the  pond,  or  seat  themselves  on  white  pine  benches,  under 
the  noble  oaks,  chatting  gaily  about  the  Nebular  Hypothesis, 
the  Darwinian  Theory,  the  Divisibility  of  Matter,  and  other 
pleasant  little  social  topics.  One  can  improve  his  mind  a 
good  deal  by  simply  walking  about  the  Common  and  hearing 
the  young  people  converse. 

I  regretted  much  that  there  was  no  Jubilee  while  I  was  in 


THE  GREAT  PUBLIC  BUILDINGS.  311 

Boston — everybody  regretted  it,  in  fact.  "  If  you'd  only 
been  here  Jubilee  week !"  they  said.  "  If  you  only  had 
heard  the  Anvil  Chorus  !"  To  tell  the  truth,  I  did  especially 
regret  missing  this,  for  I'm  a  pretty  good  hand  at  "  old 
sledge  "  mj^self,  and  on  more  than  one  occasion  have  made  a 
prominent  resident  of  Boston  open  his  wondering  eyes  at 
the  beauties  of  this  game  as  by  me  developed.  But  I  saw 
the  Coliseum.  "  That's  where  we  had  it,"  said  a  young  stu- 
dent, in  a  low  reverent  voice,  as  he  turned  for  a  moment 
from  a  scholarly  lunch  of  cold  baked  beans  to  point  the  site 
out  to  me. 

There  is  one  good  thing  about  Boston.  You  can't  get 
lost  in  the  city.  Take  any  street  you  please,  follow  it  to  its 
end,  and  it  brings  you  out  where  you  started  from. 

I  saw  Fanueil  Hall.     It  seems  quite  a  satisfying  place  for 
a  small  tea-party.     But  of  all  the  public  buildings  of  Boston,  I 
prefer  the  court  house.     One  reason  is  because  it  stands  so 
near  the  Parker  House, — you  have  but  to  step  across  the 
street   from  the   lubricating  room,  and   you're   there.     Its 
grounds  are  small  but  well  and  economically  laid  out.     There 
is  no  ostentatious  display,  no  gilded  pomp  and  show  to  distract 
your  mind  and  keep  you  from  improving  it  as,  I  regret  to  say, 
is  the  case  with  the  Common.     A  statue  of  Franklin  is  the 
most   noticeable    piece    of    ornamentation.      The    hand    is 
stretched  out  as  though  anxious  to  know  what  you'd  take  if 
you  got  a  chance.     Bostonians  of  the  present  day  stand  in  a 
similar  attitude  when  they  ask  each  other  to  lubricate.     I 
noticed  Whittier  doing  it  to  Longfellow.     I  didn't  hear  a 
word,  but  knew  very  well  by  the  motions  what  was  going  on. 
The  base  of  the  pedestal  has  several  reliefs  in  bronze,  to  sliow 
little  boys  what  they  can  do  if  they  are  honest  and  industri- 
ous and  brought  up  in  Boston.     In  one  of  them  the  philoso- 
pher is  portrayed  flying  a  kite  in  a  thunder-storm,  his  night 
key  tied  to  one  end  of  the  string  to  keep  it  from  getting 
away  with  liiin.     This  is  perhaps  to   inculcate  the  need   of 
being  on  the  key  vive  when  one's  playing  with  lightning. 
In  another  place  he's  pulling  a  proof  from  a  press  similar  to 


312  BENJAMIN  FRANKLIN. 

the  ones  on  wliich  the  Boston  dailies  are  now  printed — 
Good  Benjamin  would  no  sooner  have  thought  of  having  a 
Hoe  in  his  estal)lisliraent  than  of  harboring  a  rake,  and  the 
solid  Bostonians  of  the  present  are  equally  opposed  to  inno- 
vations. The  whole  thing  seemed  to  me  instructive  and  very- 
improving  to  the  mind  —  especially  the  lesson  that  nobody 
should  fly  kites  in  a  thunder-storm  without  an  umbrella  over 
him  and  the  kite.  As  the  first  man  who  discovered  an  inno- 
cent use  of  night  keys  Franklin  is  entitled  to  considerable 
praise.  The  moral  of  his  life  in  an  inscription  on  the  pedes- 
tal is  in  Latin,  of  course,  the  little  boys  of  Boston  being 
more  familiar  with  that  language  than  with  English. 

I  never  could  read  Boston  Latin,  though  1  have  not  infre- 
quently astonished  Parisians  with  the  strength  and  purity  of 
my  Boston  French.  So  I  bargained  with  a  little  boot  black 
who  happened  along  to  shine  me  up  and  expound  the  Latin 
for  five  cents.  "  Born  in  Boston  ;  Died  in  Philadelphia" — 
there  was  nothing  more  of  it.  But  I  suppose  they  think 
there's  enough  of  a  shining  lesson  contained  in  that. 

The  moral  of  it  is  that  if  a  young  man  wants  to  amount  to 
anything  in  the  world  he  must  be  born  in  Boston.  Nothing 
can  be  plainer,  and  my  soul  brimmed  over  with  sadness  as  I 
thought  of  the  great  mistake  which  I  made  on  starting  out 
in  life  and  cannot  now  rectify. 

It  could  not  have  become  generally  known  that  I  was 
spending  a  few  days  in  Boston,  for  none  of  the  poets  or  real 
estate  agents  called  on  me.  So  my  time  was  principally 
spent  in  playing  dominoes  for  beer  with  philosophers,  and 
draw  poker  for  a  penny-ante,  with  Unitarians.  But  I  learned 
a  neat  and  handy  way  of  dragging  a  pair  of  aces  suddenly 
out  of  your  boots,  and  came  within  an  ace  of  making  the 
acquaintance  of  some  very  remarkable  men.  For  instance, 
Wendell  Phillips,  whom  I  met  in  the  street,  looked  at  me 
and  seemed  about  to  speak,  but  discovering  on  a  second 
glance  that  I  was  nothing  but  a  white  man,  slightly  tanned 
by  fishing  for  seulpin,  thought  better  of  it  and  passed  on. 
I  saw  Emerson  in  a  lunch-room  several  times,  but  he  was 


THE  NIGHT  VISION  OF  BUGABOO  BEN. 


OTHER  BOSTONIANS.  313 

always  in  a  deep  fit  of  abstraction  over  a  red-lierring,  and 
only  asked  me  to  pass  the  mustard, — never  a  word  said  he 
aliout  lubricating.  I  was  sorry  he  didn't  show  himself  more 
sociable  like,  for  I  did  want  to  ask  him  about  that  Red  Slayer 
of  his,  and  what  he  thought  of  the  infinite  ramifications  of  the 
inscrutable. 

And  I  met  General  Butler, — in  a  crowded  car,  however, 
so  there  wasn't  much  chance  for  conversation.  This  was 
unfortunate,  inasmuch  as  he  was  returnino;  from  his  fishin'>' 
place,  near  Gloucester,  and  I  should  have  liked  to  discuss 
the  relative  merits  of  live  and  dead  bait  Avith  him, — to  ascer- 
tain for  a  certainty  whether  he  uses  spoons  in  trawling.  I 
have  a  pleasant  way  of  always  hitting  on  just  the  right  topic 
in  neighborly  conversation ;  and  the  General  perluips  would 
have  been  interested  in  a  little  poem  of  mine,  written  Avhen 
there  was  talk  of  nominating  him  for  the  Presidency,  which 
I  happened  fortunately  to  have  in  my  pocket. 

ABOO   BEX  BUTLER. 

Aboo,  *Ben  Butler  (may  his  tribe  be  less!) 
Awoke  one  night  from  a  deep  bottledness, 
And  saw,  by  the  rich  radiance  of  the  moon, 
Which  shone  and  shinnnerod  like  a  silver  spoon, 
A  stranger  writing  on  a  golden  slate 
(Exceeding  store  had  Ben   of  spoons  and  plate;) 
And  to  the  stranger  in  his  tent  he  said  : — 
"  Your  little  game  ?  "  The  stranger  turned  his  head, 
And,  with  a  look  made  all  of  innocence, 
Replied  :  "I  write  the  names  of  Presidents." 
"And  is  mine  one?  "  "Not  if  this  court  doth  know 
Itself,"  replied  the  stranger.     Ben   said  "Oh!" 
And  "Ah!"  but  spoke  again  :  "Just  name  your  price 
To  write  me  up  as  one  that  may  be  Vice." 

The  stranger  up  and  vanished.     The  next  night 
lie  came  again,  and  showed  a  wonilrous  sight 
Of  names  that  haply  yet  might  fill  the  chair — 
But  lo  !  the  name  of  Butler  was  not  there! 


•  Aljoo  is  the  Persian  for  Bugaboo 


'o" 


314  THE  SAGE  OF  CONCORD. 

Gloucester  is  the  place  of  the  General's  nativity  ;  famous 
for  its  lish  and  its  fleets  the  world  over.  It  was  to  it  that  he 
paid  the  eloquent  tribute,  so  often  quoted,  in  which  we  are 
told  how  the  morning  drum  fish,  following  the  sun  flower 
round,  keeps  company  with  military  posts  and  circles  the 
earth  with  one  unbroken  strain  of  beats.  It  is  to  the  appli- 
ances of  the  Gloucester  fishery,  indeed,  that  Mr.  Emerson 
refers  in  the  sonorous  lines  : — 

"  And  morning  hastes  to  ope  her  lids 
To  gaze  upon  the  mackerel  skids." 

The  Sage  of  Concord  is  fond  of  extolling  native  talent, 
but  to  my  thinking  this  habit  does  not  detract  from  the 
charm  of  his  poetry.  Born  and  bred  in  New  England,  his 
introspective  mind  naturally  turns  for  its  imagery  to  things 
with  which  he  is  familiar,  and  the  only  difficulty  in  under- 
standing him  comes  from  the  popular  fallacy  of  looking  up 
in  the  clouds  or  across  the  country  for  an  interpretation 
which  would  be  plain  enough  if  one  just  drove  down  and 
spent  a  day  at  Concord.  Thus,  it  is  in  praise  of  Concord  sleigh- 
ing that  the  poet  speaks  when  he  says  : — 

"  If  the  read  sleigher  thinks  he  sleighs, 

Or  if  the  sleighed  thinks  he  be  sleiglain', 
They  know  not  well  my  subtle  ways, 
I  pass  and  keep  and  turn  aga-in.' 

ITothing  can  be  clearer.  If  the  sleigher  of  other  latitudes 
whose  principal  knowledge  of  sleighing  is  through  reading 
about  it  in  books,  imagines  he  is  sleighing  when  he  is  but 
bringing  a  sad  attrition  upon  his  runners  by  rasping  slowly 
along  over  a  heavy  frost,  he  knows  nothing  at  all  of  the 
subtle  ways  that  a  Concord  sleigh  has  with  a  boss  driver 
hold  of  the  ribbons;  it  passes  you,  turns  back  and  does  it 
again,  keeps  "  a-doing  of  it,"  in  fact,  to  borrow  a  familiar 
expression.  I  don't  know,  though,  that  I  care  much  about 
sleighing.  Eor  steady  going  pleasure,  the  whole  year  round, 
give  me  omnibuses. 

A  noble  tribute  the  Poet  pays  to  native  talent  when  he 
alludes  to : — 


CONCORDANT  VERSE.  315 

"  The  hand  that  grained  the  doors  at  home, 
And  rounded  off  the  State  House  dome." 

And  again,  in  the  lines : — 

"  Earth  proudly  swears  the  Coliseum, 
Is  the  best  place  to  jubilee  'em." 

And  what  can  be  finer  than  the  touching  simplicity  of 
his  lines  on  leaving  New  York  by  the  Fall  Eiver  Line : — 

"  Good-bye,  proud  world,  I'm  going  home  • 

To  Boston." 

But  time  presses,  and  much  as  I  would  like  to  linger  it  is 
imperative  that  I  too  go  home,  and  my  home  is  not  in  Bos- 
ton. I  may  move  there  some  day  and  go  into  business  as  a 
stone-cutter,  for  I  think  they  ought  to  have  another  statue 
of  Franklin. 


CHAPTER  XLIY. 

HORACE  GBEELET's  FUNEKAL,  AND  A  PERSONAL  EEMESTISCENCE  OF 

THE  MAN. 

TIME  scatters  assuaging  ashes  over  all  the  angry  heats  of 
human  passion  and  the  offices  of  death  are  no  less  gentle 
and  kindly.  When  the  grave  closes  over  a  victim,  forgotten 
are  all  the  wild  hates,  the  mad  jealousies,  the  unfounded 
prejudices,  and  remembered  only  is  the  undeniable  good 
which  shone  in  the  living  man. 

But  a  few  days  before,  the  busy  hands  of  brethren,  the 
length  and  breadth  of  the  land  over,  were  intent  on  strip- 
ping, with  industrious  vindictiveness,  from  Mr.  Greeley's 
brow,  the  laurels  he  had  so  hardly  and  so  honestly  won ; 
scarce  a  single  leaf  was  permitted  to  remain.  On  the  day  of 
the  funeral,  the  whole  floral  kingdom  was  put  under  tribute 
to  do  him  honor ;  no  wreath  too  rich  and  rare  to  adorn  his 
pale  forehead  ;  the  choicest  exotics  were  all  too  poor  to  cover 
his  coffin. 

Justice  is  denied  to  the  living,  but  adulation  is  heaped 
upon  the  dead.  The  public  is  a  capricious  child,  indeed;  one 
moment,  to  gratify  an  idle  whim  or  resent  a  fancied  slight, 
it  breaks  its  favorite  toy  or  crushes  the  life  out  of  its  darling ; 
in  the  next  breath  it  mourns  the  loss  in  a  magfnificence  of 
grief,  and  bows  its  head  in  an  agony  of  self-reproach. 

Two  eminent  clergymen  discoursed  most  eloquent  and 
musical  praise  over  the  dead  body  of  Mr.  Greeley  which  lay 
in  the  chancel,  but  to  me  they  did  not  drown — I  could  not 
forget — the  calumnies  so  lately  echoing  in  the  air.     There 

316 


IN  THE  CHURCH.  3I7 

on  the  altar  lay  the  prostrate  body  of  the  victim  ;  around  sat 
the  priests  who  ofhciated  at  the  sacrifice, — ^journalists  of  all 
dcirrees  of  eminence  who  shot  the  barbed  arrows  home, — with 
white  handkerchiefs  to  their  eyes. 

The  fraternity  of  the  press  are  vastly  sympathetic  when  a 
brother  dies.  It  is  a  pity,  perhaps,  that  in  order  to  earn  the 
good-will  of  the  guild,  it  is  needful  that  one  should  die. 

Sitting  in  Dr.  Chapiu's  church  that  December  morning,  it 
occurred  to  me  that  either  these  eloquent  clergymen  were  dese- 
crating their  desks  by  the  utterance  of  untruths  over  the  dead, 
and  should  descend  in  degradation  from  the  pulpit,  or  that  a 
great  part  of  the  congregation  should  arise  in  terrible  shame, 
conscience-smitten,  and  confess  themselves  liars. 

I  could  not  forget  that  the  very  public  which  then 
blocked  the  thoroughfares  in  pious  desire  to  kiss  the  hem  of 
the  dead  philosopher's  garments,  but  yesterday,  as  it  M'cre, 
shouted  in  frantic  delight  over  the  silly  caricatures  which 
held  him  up  to  a  world's  ridicule  and  scorn  as  an  incongru- 
ous combination  of  mountebank,  knave,  fanatic  and  fool — 
cheering  most  the  shaft  which  their  instinct  told  them  went 
nearest  and  surest  home.  I  could  not  forget  that  the  same 
journals,  now  devoting  pages  to  his  panegyric,  but  lately 
gave  broader  columns  and  more  conspicuous  type  to  prove 
him  wanting  in  most  that  goes  to  make  up  a  man — deficient 
in  honesty  as  well  as  in  ability — arrogant,  intriguing,  time- 
serving, a  traitor  to  the  country  he  professed  to  serve,  an 
infidel  in  his  faith,  a  libertine  in  theory,  if  not  in  practice. 

Had  Horace  Greeley  been  one-tenth  part  the  monster 
which  this  partisan  fancy  painted  him,  he  might  well  have 
doubted  that  a  Kedeemer  lived  for  him,  instead  of  proclaim- 
ing, in  his  last  moments,  that  glorious  belief  in  tones  of  tri- 
umjihant  faith  ! 

And  for  what  offense  was  Mr.  Greeley  arraigned  ?  Why 
was  all  this  obloquy  heaped  upon  him?  Simply  because  he, 
a  man  of  the  people,  came  before  the  people,  to  ask  an  ufiico 
of  civic  trust  which  lay  within  the  gift  of  the  pcoi)le.  Had 
he  not  earned  something  of  the  people  ?  Did  he  not  deserve 
something  of  the  people  ? 


318  CONTEMPORARY  CRITICISM. 

But  tlie  old  cry  went  up,  mainly  from  the  gaping  mouths 
of  the  "  Press :" — "  He  wishes  to  desert  his  past ;  he  has  an 
ambition  beyond  his  profession;  take  warning,  O  ye  young 
men  of  the  journalistic  Israel !"  As  a  general  thing  I  am 
opposed  to  figures  of  speech,  but  it  would  have  rejoiced  me 
had  a  Cambronne  of  the  occasion  arisen  with  the  ^pithy,  fit- 
ting ..aiis'Wer  which  Hugo  has  embalmed.  -' •±,\J<J<^'-^-^\ 

Tell  me,  is  it  forbidden  to  the  "  butcher  and  baler,  and 
the  candle-stick  maker"  to  travel  out  of  their  records,  to 
aspire  out  of  their  professions  ?  Is  the  tailor  chained  to  his 
goose  beyond  power  to  mount  upon  its  wings  ?  Is  the  soldier 
condemned  to  sit  forever  beside  his  smoking,  stinking  cannon  ? 
May  not  the  tanner  rise  on  the  steeping-vats  of  his  dead  hides 
to  higher  things?  Let  history  answer!  And  may  not  an 
educator  of  the  people  aspire  beyond  his  inkhorn  ?  Is  there 
no  place  in  the  councils  of  the  nation  for  the  philosopher  and 
the  thinker  ? 

It  was  good  to  see  the  great  popular  recognition  at  the 
funeral.  But  it  came  so  late,  so  uselessly.  And  to  mj  mind 
there  lay  a  solemn  mockery  under  all  the  splendid  pageantry. 
For  it  seems  but  yesterday  that  we  all  saw  this  man,  whom  a 
nation  now  mourns,  a  man  wh.ose  every  heart-beat  was  in 
the  best  interests  of  humanity,  tied  to  a  "  Journal  of  Civiliz- 
ation "  like  a  malefactor  at  the  cart's  tail,  and  whipped 
through  the  high-ways  and  by-ways  of  the  continent.  Little 
wonder  his  heart  broke  ! 

"  The  lesson  of  Horace  Greeley's  life  to  young  men  " — 
this  is  the  text  from  which  both  pulpit  and  press  are  preach- 
ing ;  and  on  which  it  is  likely  they  will  dilate  for  some  time 
to  come.  The  cynical  might  say,  "  Yes,  young  man,  go  forth 
into  life,  earnest,  hopeful,  and  working.  Give  the  marrow 
of  your  mind  to  feed  your  fellow  creatures :  struggle  on  in 
poverty  for  years  Avhen  immediate  wealth  stands  ready  to 
your  grasp,  if  principle  do  not  forbid  you  to  clutch  it ;  live 
honestly,  soberly,  temperately ;  give  weary  days  and  toilsome 
nights  to  the  advancement  of  the  interests  of  humanity,  and 
when  you  come  forward  to  ask  a  recognition  of  men,  then 


CALLING  ON  AN  EDITOR.  319 

will  you  be  hooted  down  into  the  grave,  your  gray  hairs 
trailed  through  the  mud,  your  coffin  covered  with  flowers, 
and  '  Angels  ever  bright  and  fair '  sung  over  you," 

But  enough  of  this, — the  moral  needs  no  pointing.  It  was 
simply  my  intention  to  give  an  account  of  a  personal  inter- 
view— the  only  one  I  ever  had  with  Mr.  Greeley,  in  the 
thought  that  from  it  a  clew  may  be  found  to  the  sense  of 
personal  bereavement  which  so  many  feel  in  the  good  man's 
death ;  for  I  imagine  that  my  experience  may  have  been  the 
experience  of  many.  It  was  in  1858,  I  think,  I  came  to 
New  York,  not  nnich  more  than  a  boy,  with  a  vague  idea 
that  I  might  distinguish  myself  in  journalism  or  literature, 
and  a  firm  faith  that  Horace  Greeley  would  feel  a  strong 
personal  interest  in  my  fortunes,  I  had  been  writing  "  verses  " 
from  the  country  which  were  published  over  my  name  in 
Harper's  Weekly,  and  for  one  thing  I  wished  to  know  what 
verdict  he  would  pronounce  upon  them.  Perhaps,  too,  I  had 
a  curiosity  to  see  the  great  journalist. 

Any  Avay,  I  made  my  w^ay  into  his  little  room  at  the 
Tribune  office,  a  copy  of  the  last  number,  containing  one  of 
my  sad  effusions,  in  my  hand.  He  was  seated  at  his  desk, 
his  nose  nearly  touching  the  paper  on  which  he  was  writing. 
When  I  entered,  he  raised  his  head^  turned  round  in  his 
chair,  and  looked  at  me  over  his  spectacles.  With  some 
embarrassment  I  explained  my  business — or  rather  want 
of  business — and  showed  him  the  specimen  of  my  work, 

"  Ah,"  he  said,  taking  the  paper  in  his  hand,  "  poetry  !  "  / 
used  to  write  poetry  once  myself— but  it  was  veiy  long  ago," 
By  this  time  1  was  so  frightened  at  my  audacity  in  the  inva- 
sion that  I  could  not  say  a  word.  "These  are  very  fair 
verses,"  he  said,  reading  them  over  to  himself,  half  aloud, 
"  but  they  are  not  well  printed.  The  alternate  lines  should 
have  been  indented  more?''  Below  you  have  the  verses — 
j)riiitcd  just  as  they  met  his  eye  and  evoked  his  practical 
criticiHiii.  1  reproduce;  them  now,  not  so  much  to  illustrate 
his  patient  kindness  in  reading  them  through,  as  to  show 
how  finical  he  was  as  regarded  the  "  setting  up  "  of  an  article. 


320  THE  VERSES  I  SHOWED  HIM. 

MORTE —PASSING  AWAY. 

The  death  bell  is  swelling,  ask  not  whose  knell  telling, 

But  kneel  ye  and  pray ; 
The  sad  rhythmic  roll  tells  some  Christian  soul 

Is  passing  away. 

What  caste  matters  not,  the  soul  has  forgot 

Its  tenement  since ; 
And  little  they  care  in  realms  of  the  air 

If  pauper  or  prince. 

The  Paraclete  pray,  as  Christ  taught  the  way, 

But  count  ye  no  beads ; 
And  vex  not  with  show — crimped  crape  is  not  woe — 

Away  with  the  weeds  I 

Tread  softly  and  slow,  speak  gently  and  low 

'Tis  a  couch  that  ye  near : 
Our  neighbor  reposes ;  with  June's  freshest  roses 

Entwine  ye  the  bier. 

No  need  of  vain  weeping,  the  wearied  is  sleeping. 

And  happy  his  lot ! 
Have  done  with  misgiving — pray,  but  pray  for  the  living, 

The  dead  need  it  not. 

Alike  with  the  sod  the  mantle  of  God 

Is  thrown  o'er  the  sleeper  ; 
In  the  portals  of  morn  an  angel  new  born 

Now  weeps  for  the  weeper. 

Still  swings  the  death-bell !  ask  not  whose  the  knell, 

But  kneel  ye  and  pray ; 
For  with  each  measured  roll  some  good  Christian  soul 

Is  passing  away. 

In  Morte  Vita. 

Mourn  ye  for  the  bride,  when,  wooed  from  thy  side, 

She  stands  by  the  Groom  ? 
The  one  ye  call  dead  has  gone  to  be  wed — 

The  altar  the  tomb. 

The  swart-visaged  Night  is  usher  of  Light, 

And  herald  of  Morn ; 
From  darkness  and  fear,  a  pall  and  a  tear, 

The  Dayspring  is  born. 


PREFERRING  PIRACY  TO  WORK.  321 

The  diamond  once  hid  by  earth's  coffined  lid 

Is  freed  from  its  clay, 
Transfigured  to  gem  a  King's  diadem — 

It  "  passed"  not  "  away." 

Who  wails  the  decree  that  sets  the  gem  free, 

Its  prison-bed  riven  ? 
Is  death  not  a  birth  ?  say  not  '*  Last  of  Earth," 

But  write  First  of  Heaven. 

Oh!  strangely  mistaken,  a  truth  bids  us  waken, 

An  error  is  rife ; 
Bewildered  by  breath,  we  call  the  change  Death 

Which  angels  name  Life. 

Then  he  engaged  me  in  conversation,  drawing  me  out 
nntil  1  insensibly  found  myself  talking  with  him  as  familiarly 
as  though  he  were  my  father,  and  unfolding  to  him  all  the 
hopes  and  plans  that  reveled  in  my  gushing  bosom. 

"  The  great  mistake  that  young  men  make  is  in  leaving 
the  country,  and  coming  to  the  city,"  he  said. 

"  But  you  came  to  the  city,  Mr.  Greeley,"  I  remarked. 

"Yes,"  he  replied,  "and  (after  a  moment's  abstraction) 
sometimes  I  think  it  was  a  very  great  mistake.  But,  if  I 
could  have  got  a  half  dollar  a  week  more  I  should  never  have 
left  the  country."  "  Why,"  he  went  on,  "  if  I  were  to 
advertise  in  my  paper  to-morrow  for  fifty  men  to  go  on  a 
pirate  ship,  and  for  five  men  to  work  on  my  farm,  there 
would  be  five  hundred  applications  for  the  situations  on  the 
pirate  ship  and  not  one  for  the  farm.  Would  you  believe 
that  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir,"  I  made  answer  in  all  seriousness,  "I  think  / 
liad  rather  sail  a  pirate  ship  than  work  on  a  farm." 

I  shall  never  forget  the  amused  twinkle  in  his  eyes  as  he 
noted  the  emphatic  earnestness  of  my  reply.  lie  turned 
round  and  resumed  his  writing.  "  Go  on  talking,"  he  said; 
"  I  can  work  and  listen  too." 

So  I  went  on,  and  told  liim  what  1  wished  to  be,  and  how 
willing  I  was  to  work  early  and  late,  and  how  I  wanted  an 
object  in  life — sometliing  to  occupy  all  my  time  and  thoughts. 

"Then  you'd  better  get  married,  young  man,"  he  said, 

wheeling  round  in  his  chair. 
21 


322  A  PREJUDICE  AGAINST  NORTH  CAROLINA. 

Eight  here  I  hethink  me  of  an  anecdote  which  Mr.  Ray- 
mond told  me,  not  long  before  he  died.  The  tender  affection 
Mr.  Greeley  had  for  his  wife  is  so  well  known  that  no  cruel 
construction  can  be  put  upon  his  words,  and  I  merely  repeat 
the  story  to  show  how  little  averse  the  philosopher  was  to  a 
joke.  Mr.  Raymond  was  telling  me  of  his  early  experience 
in  ]Hew  York,  how,  after  working  on  the  Tribune  for  some 
time  at  $8  a  week,  and  finding  that  no  advance  of  salary  was 
spoken  of,  he  advertised  for  a  situation  as  school-teacher,  and 
received  an  offer  from  North  Carolina,  which  he  determined 
to  accept.  Walking  over  to  the  post-office  with  Mr.  Greeley, 
he  told  him,  for  the  first  time,  of  the  change  he  contemplated, 
and  the  place  he  intended  to  go  to.  "  Don't  go  to  North 
Carolina,  Raymond,"  said  Greeley  in  his  thin,  piping  voice 
(I  quote  Mr.  Raymond's  words),  "  I  married  my  wife  there  !" 
As  is  well  known,  Mr.  Raymond  remained  in  New  York. 

To  return  to  my  interview.  Mr.  Greeley  concluded  it  by 
asking  me  to  come  to  his  house,  that  evening,  when  he  would 
have  more  time  to  talk  to  me.  Punctual  to  the  hour,  I  was 
there — it  was  in  15tli  street,  if  I  remember  rightly — and  for 
three  mortal  hours  I  think  I  bored  that  good  man.  But  he 
was  patient  and  considerate  all  through.  I  remember,  how- 
ever, that  he  effected  a  diversion  by  calling  his  daughter : — 

"  Come  here,  Ida,  you  have  not  had  your  grammar  lesson 

yet." 

"  I  can't  find  my  grammar,  papa,"  she  said. 

"  Oh,  never  mind,  bring  me  the  first  book  you  come  to  ;  I , 
can  teach  you  grammar  out  of  any  book,"  was  Mr.  Greeley's 
answer. 

"Well,  to  make  a  long  story  short,  he  finally  dismissed  me 
to  call  upon  him  at  the  Tribune  office  the  next  afternoon. 

The  next  morning,  walking  down  town,  I  had  an  "  inspira- 
tion," the  immediate  exciting  cause  being  a  city  railroad  car, 
whereon  was  painted  the  notice,  "  Colored  people  allowed  in 
this  car."  So  I  marched  into  Mr.  Greeley's  room  in  the 
afternoon,  with  a  sheet  or  two  of  foolscap  covered  with  verses. 
Here  they  are : — 


ONE  OF  MY  "  FIRST  EFFORTS."  328 

"COLORED  PEOPLE  ALLOWED  IN  THIS  CAR." 

Indeed,  this  permission  is  worthy  of  praise ! 
Tou'll  allow  our  durii  brother  to  ride — if  he 'pays — 
Tliou^h  of  course  we  must  seat  him  aloof  and  afar — 
Swart  Night  from  blonde  Day  has  a  separate  car. 

Where  this  condescension  shall  cease,  who  can  say? 
Perhaps,  the  next  thing,  we'll  allow  him  to  pray, 
And  the  sexton  of  Grace — with  a  grace  rather  new — 
Will  pocket  his  sixpence  and  show  him  a  pew. 

By  the  way,  I've  a  curious  longing  to  know 
How  the  races  were  classified  ages  ago. 
I  wonder  if  Noah — that'  primitive  tar — 
When  he  launched  the  vast  hull  of  his  water-way  car. 
Placed  a  notice  outside,  that  was  good  for  the  trip, 
Permitting  the  "  colored  "  to  ride  in  his  ship ; 
Or  did  a  conductor  mount  guard  in  the  ark, 
Admitting  light  skins  and  excluding  the  dark  ? 

And  I  wonder  if  God,  when  the  morn  he  unfurled, 
Thought  of  placing  a  label  like  this  on  the  world ; 
When  he  fashioned  and  grooved  each  orb  in  its  place, 
And  the  great  solar  train  went  whirling  through  space, 
Was  there  placard  affixed  to  planet  or  star 
Like  your  "  Colored  people  allowed  in  this  car?" 

There's  an  old-fashioned  car,  of  a  build  rather  queer, 
Unadapted  for  comfort — dark,  dampsome  and  drear, 
And  it  starts  from  a  depot  perhaps  you  have  seen 
Where  the  ivy  grows  rankly,  the  willow  waves  green ; 
It  goes  from  our  shores  but  it  comes  not  again — 
All  ranks  and  complexions  are  one  on  this  train. 

You  start,  my  fair  friend  ;  I  confess  'tis  not  right 
That  the  Ethiop  race  should  tlius  ride  with  the  white. 
Ho!  gather  your  shroud  and  sliriulv  to  one  side — 
No  need  to  converse  though  together  ye  ride  ; 
This  train  travels  swift — at  the  first  station-star. 
Perhaps  they'll  appoint  you  a  separate  car ! 

Or  you  may  not  coiTi[il;iin — I  doubt  on  the  whole 
If  line  of  the  skin  can  give  tint  to  the  soul; 
And  'twere  better  by  far  that  no  scorn-shafts  you  fling — 
Who  knous  what  queer  changes  that  morrow  may  bring? 


324  GOOD  ADVICE  GIVEN  ME. 

Thus  De  Vere  and  old  Pompey — my  point  to  explain — 
Might  knock  at  St.  Peter's  and  both  knock  in  vain ; 
Or  it  might  someway  hap — I'll  give  you  the  doubt — 
That  one  was  admitted,  the  other  ruled  out. 
And  which  were  the  favored  is  not  very  clear — 
Pompey's  worth  might  outbalance  the  blood  of  De  Vere! 

Ere  we  part,  my  fair  friend,  let  me  give  you  a  hint, 
Since  you  value  yourself  on  your  skin  and  its  tint ; 
When  you've  taken  this  train  that  is  waiting  for  you, 
And  the  shores  of  Eternity  loom  on  your  view, 
Tou  may  just  chance  to  stand  the  wrong  side  of  the  bar, 
While  your  "  colored  "  companion's  "  allowed  in  the  car  !" 

Well,  Mr.  Greeley  read  the  verses  through  patiently,  and 
said  he  would  print  them  in  the  Tribune.  As  for  my 
immediate  plans  he  advised  me  to  go  home,  and,  in  the 
intervals  of  work,  study  hard  during  the  winter ;  to  read  the 
newspapers  carefully,  and  endeavor  to  acquire  a  good  prose 
style  of  writing,  as  he  could  promise  no  permanent  employ 
on  his  paper  in  poetry.  "  Then,  in  the  spring,"  said  he, 
"  come  to  me,  and  I'll  see  what  I  can  give  you  to  do  on  the 
Trihuner 

But  I  drifted  away  to  the  West  in  the  spring,  and  it  was 
years  before  my  thoughts  recurred  to  journalism  as  a  pro- 
fession. 

However,  I  followed  his  advice  as  to  "  reading  newspapers 
carefully," — that  is  to  say,  the  Tribune.  Every  copy  that 
came  to  the  village  I  read  with  hungry  eyes — to  see  my 
"verses."  Thouijht  I  to  mvself: — Verilv,  how  will  these 
townsmen  of  mine  arise  to  do  me  honor  when  they  shall  see 
my  poetry  in  the  Tribune,  with  perhaps  a  few  editorial 
remarks  about  the  poet ! 

But  my  eyes  were  never  gladdened  by  the  sight.  So, 
some  months  afterward,  I  wrote  Mr.  Greeley,  asking  whether 
my  verses  had  been  lost  or  forgotten.  His  answer  was  balm 
to  my  breast — when  I  succeeded  in  deciphering  it.  This  it 
is: — 

"  New  York  Tribune  Office,  May  5th,  1857. 
"My     Dear     Sir: — In   the   first   place,  a   young  man   who 
writes    to  a  busy   editor,    who   has   no    time    to    consult    gazetteers,   with- 


WAITING  TO  SEE  MYSELF  IX  PRINT.  325 

out  giving  the  State  as  well  as  village  from  M-hich  liis  letter  is  dated, 
does  not  deserve  an  answer.  Besides,  you  misspell  my  name,  for  which 
there  is  no  excuse.  But  I  will  answer  you  :  Your  verses  are  neitlier  lost 
nor  forgotton.  If  used  now  they  would  simply  be  printed — not  published.  I 
am  awaiting  an  opportune  moment  to  piiLUsJt  them,  as  it  is  likely  a  case 
will  soon  appear  in  the  courts  which  will  give  them  point. 

Yours  truly, 

HOEACE   GrEELET. 

To  C.  H.  Webb,  Esq.,  Champlain  (I  suppose),  N.  Y." 

Wlietlier  or  not  a  case  ever  occurred  to  give  mj  verses 
point,  I  do  not  know,  but  certainly,  if  ever  printed  in  the 
Tribune,  I  did  not  see  a  copy.  And,  notwithstanding  quite 
an  extended  connection  with  metropolitan  journalism,  1  liave 
never  since  spoken  familiarly  with  Horace  Greeley,  though 
I  always  conteiuplated^c^alling  my  old  acquaintance  with  him 
to  his  mind,  when  an  "opportune  moment  "  should  occur. 
Alas  !  the  moment  never  came,  and  never  can  it  come,  on 
earth !  Perchance  hereafter  I  may  have  an  opportunity  to 
interchange  the  recollection  with  him,  in  a  world  where 
lives  are  less  busy  than  liere.  And  if  I  meet  him  in  Heaven, 
I  shall  surely  ask  him  if  he  remembers  the  red-headed  boy 
who  bored  him  so  long,  long  ago.  I  do  not  think  he  will 
receive  me  unkindly.  And  now  you  know  why  I  have 
always  held  Horace  Greeley  in  reverence,  and  have  never,  in 
any  journalistic  endeavoring,  written  a  line,  or  even  a  word, 
which  1  thought  could  give  his  great  heart  jjain, — for  that  he 
icas  sensitive,  all  know  now. 


CHAPTEE  XLY. 

IN  WHICH  RECOED  IS  MADE  OF  A  VISIT  TO  PLYMOUTH  PULPIT  AND 
THE  VISION  WHICH  SUBSEQUENTLY  VISITED  THE  VISITOR. 

^rr  ET  ns  go  and  hear  Beeclier,"  said  a  friend  to  me,  one 
i  i  cold  and  rainy  Sunday  evening.     "  We  can  probably 
get  a  seat  to-night." 

Now,  going  to  hear  Mr.  Beecher  is  a  very  good  thing  to  do, 
and  the  world  in  general  would  do  it  often  if  it  didn't 
involve  going  to  Brooklyn.  But  this  latter  is  as  bad  as  a 
foreign  journey — worse,  in  fact ;  I  know  a  good  many 
young  men  of  unperverted  tastes  who  had  much  rather  go  to 
France  than  to  Brooklyn.  If  Brooklyn  and  Mr.  Beecher  would 
but  move  to  the  New  York  side  of  the  river,  how  much 
better  it  would  be  for  both  !  The  population  of  the  one  and 
the  congregation  of  the  other  would  be  materially  increased, 
and  besides  they  would  be  so  much  nearer  the  new  post  office, 
to  say  nothing  of  getting  further  away  from  Prospect  Park. 
Another  drawback  about  going  to  hear  Mr.  Beecher,  is  the 
difficulty  of  getting  a  good  seat ; — when  you  see  it  stated  that 
his  congregation  are  packed  like  sardines  you  may  accept  it 
literally,  and  understand  that  they  really  are  packed  in  an 
aisle. 

There  is  no  difficulty  about  finding  the  church ;  all  that 
one  has  to  do  is,  cross  to  Brooklyn,  follow  the  crowd  and  he 
is  sure  to  bring  up  all  right.  But  it  is  as  well  to  choose  a 
pleasant  day  as  a  rainy  one  for  a  visit  to  Plymouth  church ; 
the  weather  makes  no  difference  in  the  attendance,  nor 
in  the  difficulty  of  finding  a  seat.     System  obtains ;  those 

326 


HOW  TO  GET  A  PEW.  307 

not  SO  fortunate  as  to  own  pews  are  obliged  to  wait  in 
the  vestibule  until  the  proprietors  are  seated,  and  then  they 
are  politely  shown  to  the  vacancies — no  seats  are  reserved 
after  the  opening.  I  don't  own  a  pew,  but  I  look  as  thouo-li 
I  did,  and  the  consequence  is  that  there's  no  trouble  or  delay 
in  my  case.  Walking  blandly  in  while  the  organ  is  playing 
the  overture,  I  take  the  best  seat  in  the  most  comfortable  pew 
that  is  vacant,  and  if  the  proprietor  and  his  family  happen 
to  come  in,  am  very  useful  and  ornamental  in  the  way  of 
passing  them  hymn  books  and  finding  the  hymns.  There  is 
nothing  like  a  little  modest  self-assertion  at  times.  Is  one's 
soul  to  be  lost,  or  his  back  broken  by  sitting  on  a  harsh  stool 
in  the  aisle,  simply  because  he  does  not  happen  to  own  a  pew  ? 

My  friend,  however,  lacks  my  noble  independence  of  action, 
and  so  we  became  sejDarated  at  the  door.  And  he  met  with 
the  reward  which  generally  awaits  modest  and  patient  merit  in 
this  world,  for  an  usher,  noticing  his  subdued  air  and  evident 
disposition  to  be  grateful  for  anything  that  was  given  him, 
called  him  forward  and  assigned  him  to  a  three-leffo-ed 
stool  in  an  obscure  corner  of  the  church,  wdiere  he  roosted  in 
great  discomfort  the  wdiole  evening  and  didn't  hear  a  word 
of  the  sermon. 

My  seat,  on  the  contrary,  was  a  cushioned  one,  in  a  sort 
of  a  Pullman  palace-car  pew,  and  it  was  my  further  good  for- 
tune to  fall  upon  a  note,  evidently  intended  for  a  young  lady  of 
the  congregation^  in  one  of  the  hymn-books.  As  it  is  said 
that  Heaven  helps  those  who  help  themselves,  I  helped 
myself  to  it,  and  had  no  difficulty  in  getting  at  all  the  facts 
involved  long  before  the  last  singing  was  through. 

There  is  a  quiet  force  about  Mr.  Beccher  wdiich  im- 
presses one  from  the  beginning.  It  is  generally  the  custom 
of  clergymen  to  commence  rashly,  sail  in  too  brashly,  so 
to  speak,  and  worry  themselves  out  on  the  first  heat.  Nut 
so  Mr.  Beeclicr.  He  prefers  to  ride  a  waiting  race — 
pardon  the  language  of  the  turf,  but  my  velvet  jacket 
yet  bears  the  dust  of  the  Saratoga  meetings.  Ilis  speech 
and  manner  are  temperate,  even  to  tameness,  at  the  send- 


S23  ECONOMY  AS  A  DUTY. 

off,  but  some  way  you  feel  and  know  that  he's  got  it  in 
him;  below  all  the  measuredness  you  detect  a  stride  and  a 
quickness  of  action  and  a  quivering  of  muscle  which  induce 
you  to  wait  patiently  till  he  lets  himself  out,  and  would  lead 
you  to  back  him  against  the  whole  ecclesiastical  field  were 
the  thing  open  to  bets.  lie  seldom  does  much  on  the  first 
quarter,  only  warming  as  he  approaches  the  turn,  but  going 
around  the  turn  and  coining  in  on  the  home  stretch  there's 
action  enough  for  you,  and  he  makes  a  rush  for  it  at  the  score. 

The  text  this  evening  I  do  not  remember,  but  the  sermon 
was  about  the  loaves  and  fishes,  or  rather  economy  as 
enjoined  by  the  divine  example  in  commanding  that  the 
fragments  be  gathered  up  on  that  occasion.  The  argument 
was  excellent  and  close,  and  I  do  not  know  when  I  have 
enjoyed  a  sermon  more  ;  a  declaration  which  should,  per- 
haps, be  qualified  by  the  frank  admission  that  as  a  general 
thing  I  do  not  enjoy  sermons  at  all.  Denouncing  the  too 
prevalent  idea  that  economy  is  mennness,  he  characterized 
that  impression  as  a  vile  groM'th  of  the  system  of  slavery, 
under  which  one  man  spent  what  hundreds  sowed  and  reaped, 
predicting  the  abandonment  of  the  mistaken  idea  with  the 
downfall  of  that  institution.  Certainly  if  he  who  had  the 
wealth  of  nature — the  profusion  of  the  world — the  power  to 
.boundlessly  create  at  his  command,  thought  it  best  to  save  the 
pieces,  economy  is  peculiarly  the  duty  of  all  creatures  who 
have  only  an  unfortunate  capacity  for  consumption. 

The  sermon  was  pleasantly  ilhiminated  throughout,  by 
the  reverend  speaker^  with  illustrations  from  his  own  life 
as  well  as  from  that  of  the  Saviour.  Speaking  of  the 
miracle  of  the  mountain,  for  instance,  he  narrated  an  inci- 
dent in  his  own  housekeeping  which  particularly  impressed 
me.  It  was  in  the  early  days  of  his  career,  and  his  income 
was  smaller  than  it  is  now.  In  company  with  his  wife  he 
occupied  two  furnished  rooms  up  three  flights  of  stairs. 
Precisely  what  the  furniture  consisted  of  I  do  not  now  remem- 
ber, nor  do  I  know  that  it  M^as  material  to  the  moral  of  the 
story  ;  but  llie  reverend  gentleman  ran  over  the  list  of  tables, 
chairs  and  crockery  in  his  usual  eloquent  manner. 


THE  CLERGYMAN  DOES  WITHOUT  CIDER.  329 

One  evening,  at  the  close  of  a  warm,  snltiy  day — I  con- 
dense the  legend  somewhat — a  man  came  drivinor  through 
the  town  with  a  barrel  of  cider  on  a  cart,  indicating  a  dispo- 
sition to  dispose  of  it  by  the  glass  or  gallon.  Feeling  like 
freshening  his  nip  with  the  exhilarating  beverage,  Mr.  Beecher 
took  a  white  delf  pitcher  in  one  hand  and  a  ten-cent  piece  in 
the  other  and  started  for  the  street,  intent  on  purchasing. 
But  at  the  door  he  paused.  Economy  stayed  his  elbow, 
whispering  that  he  could  not  afford  it ;  and  back  went  preacher 
and  pitcher — both  dry.  So  impressed  was  I  by  this  beautiful 
piece  of  self-denial,  so  touchingly  narrated,  that  I  resolved 
to  go  and  do  likewise  the  first  opportunity  that  offered ;  to 
make  economy  thenceforth  the  guiding  star  of  my  life. 

Unfortunately  I  couldn't  well  begin  that  evening.  Seldom 
without  an  appetite  except  when  invited  to  dine  out  with 
friends  who  live  in  boarding-houses,  on  this  occasion  the 
brisk  trot  to  the  ferry — taken  on  the  supposition  that  the  cane 
of  the  man  behind  me  was  an  air-gun — and  the  sniff  of  salt 
air  caught  in  crossing,  made  me  unusually  hungry.  The  door 
of  a  restaurant  stood  open,  the  savory  smell  of  oysters,  the 
sweet  influence  of  stews  was  in  the  air,  and  I  asked  myself 
could  I  afford  one? 

On  the  whole,  I  thoiight  I  could.  Xever  yet  did  I  want 
anything  which  cost  twenty-flve  cents  and  have  twenty-five 
cents  in  my  pocket  that  I  could  not  afford  it.  So  I  entered, 
and  very  soon  there  was  a  pretty  stew  going  on  in  which  I 
was  immediately  interested.  Anon,  seven  devils  assailed  me 
in  the  shape  of  soft-shelled  crabs,  and  'twas  a  game  of  seven- 
down,  llepentant,  but  satisfied,  I  ])etook  myself  to  my  cham- 
bers, thinking  how  easy  it  is  to  make  good  resolutions,  how 
difficult  to  keep  them.  Determined  to  retrench,  I  lighted  a 
#  cigar  and  threw  myself  on  the  lounge  to  debate  where  and 
liow  to  beijin. 

"  New  cider !     Nc-w  c-i-d-e-r  !" 

I  was  startled  from  my  reverie  by  the  cry.  It  seemed  a 
little  queer  that  cider  should  be  peddled  about  the  street  at 
that  hour  of  the  night — Sunday  night,  too,  and  the  Excise 


330  A  LAYMAN  FOLLOWS  THE  EXAMPLE. 


Law  in  full  force ;  but  I  was  thirsty,  and  without  stopping  to 
discuss  side  issues— tlie  question  being  a  eiderOTe-— I  seized 
a  pitcher,  curiously  enough  a  white  delf,  and  started  for  the 
door.  But  on  the  threshold  I  paused  ;  memory  of  the  late 
sinful  extravagance  plucked  me  by  the  sleeves;  the  stew 
stood  up  and  the  soft  shells  rose  in  hard  judgment  against  me ;  I 
thought  how  nobly  Mr.  Beecher  acted  under  a  similar  tempt- 
ation.    The  man  had  halted  his  cart. 

"Cider?"  said  he. 

"  Can't  afford  it,"  I  muttered,  and  marched  back,  thirsty 
but  triumphant.  Setting  the  pitcher  on  the  table,  I  rea'ched 
up  to  turn  the  gas  down  a  little — just  as  well  economize  in 
that,  whispered  conscience — when  a  slight  brush  of  my  coat- 
sleeve  threw  the  pitcher  to  the  floor,  and  it  was  broken  into 
twenty  pieces.     It  was  a  new  pitcher  and  cost  half  a  dollar. 

Wondering  if  it  would  have  capsized  so  easily  had  there 
been  anything  in  it — cider,  for  instance — I  took  a  drink  of 
water,  swallowing  a  Croton  bug  or  two,  and  betook  myself 
to  bed,  not  altogether  satisfied  with  the  success  of  my  first 
experiment  at  economy. 

At  breakfast  tlie  next  morning,  while  glancing  over  the 
customary  cheerful  list  of  suicides,  murders,  burglaries  and 
seductions  which  form  the  staple  of  news,  my  attention  was 
attracted  by  a  paragraph  headed  "  Death  of  a  Family  under 
Singular  Circumstances."  As  there  were  only  five  in  the 
family  the  item  would  have  had  little  interest  had  not  my 
eye  lighted  on  the  word  "  cider,"  several  times  repeated. 
Struck  by  the  coincidence,  I  read  tlie  paragraph  through  and 
found  that  a  cider-vender,  his  wife,  and  four  children  had 
been  found  drowned — their  bodies  much  swollen — in  a  barrel 
of  cider. 

"How  this  sad  thing  came  about,"  wrote  the  reporter, 
"  human  ingenuity  cannot  determine.  It  is  vain  for  finite 
man  to  attempt  to  unravel  the  ways  of  an  inscrutable  Prov- 
idence." 

Prompted  by  I  know  not  what  motive — it  was  not  that  I 
thought  the  cider  would  be  sold  cheaper  than  it  was  offered 


A  SUICIDER  TURNS  UP.  331 

the  previous  evening  in  consequence  of  what  had  occurred — 
economy  had  nothing  to  do  with  the  movement — I  seized 
my  hat  and  started  lor  the  house  of  the  inconsiderate  cider- 
man. 

It  was  indeed  a  sorrv  sio^ht  that  met  me  on  arrivino- 
there.  In  a  bare  ^*^  unfurnished  room  of  a  dilapidated 
hovel,  on  a  darksome  street,  a  man,  a  woman,  two  girls, — aged 
respectively  eighteen  and  sixteen — (seRraely^- sweet  sixteen, 
«ndeiuth£_ciniumstances) — and  two  boys,  the  elder  twelve, 
the  younger  about  five,  were  laid  out  in  a  ghastly  row.  The 
inevitable  reporter  was  there,  with  bus}^,  business  air,  and 
had  just  written,  "  No  cause  can  be  assigned  for  the  rash 
act,"  when  a  letter  addressed  "  To  whom  it  may  concern," 
sealed  with  shoemaker's  wax,  was  found  posted  in  a  crack  of 
the  wall.  Investigation  of  the  document  revealed  that  it 
was  written  on  the  fly -leaf  of  some  popular  tract,  the  frag- 
mentary title,  " — member  the  Poor,"  being  just  visible. 
Whether  the  injunction  originally  read  i?6member  or  Dis- 
member,  none  could  say.  The  handwriting  was  bold,  but 
jerky  and  irregular,  as  though  done  under  strong  nervous 
excitement. 

"  D.  T.,"  muttered  the  company,  uneasily ;  but  a  glance 
at  the  contents  dispelling  this  idea,  it  was  determined  to  read 
the  letter. 

"  I  have  seen  better  days,"  it  began. 

"  Is  it  not  wetter  days  ?  "  asked  the  reporter,  looking  over 
the  reader's  shoulder. 

Regardless  of  the  interruption,  the  reader  went  on — "but 
those  were  under  another  administration.  Formerly  I  had 
no  difficulty  in  getting  work,  but  of  late  I've  had  nothing  to 
do,  and  a  large  family  to  help  me  do  it.  Such  was  not 
always  so.  Economy  has  brewed  this  batch  of  bier.  Isly 
wife  did  dressmaking,  and  turned  all  her  time  to  account 
until  her  customers,  one  by  one,  informed  her  that  they  had 
concluded  to  economize — it  was  a  Christian  duty — and  do 
their  own  sewing.  My  elder  daughter  had  an  excellent  sit- 
uation as  cook,  housemaid  and  laundress  in  a  large  Init  pious 


332  HOW  ECONOMY  WAS  TO  BLAME  FOR  IT. 

family.  True,  she  did  not  get  any  wages,  but  then  she  had 
constant  employment,  until  one  day  the  lady  of  the  house 
gave  her  notice  that  she,  with  the  help  of  her  daughters  and 
an  orphan  niece,  who  was  going  to  make  her  home  with 
them,  had  concluded  to  do  the  work  herself  and  save  the 
expense  of  a  girl.  '  Economy  was  a  religious  duty,'  she 
said.  My  younger  daughter  was  engaged  as  maid  to  a  lady, 
but  somebody  pounded  a  pulpit  cushion  to  pieces  a-laying 
down  the  virtues  of  economy,  and  the  lady  thought  it  a 
Christian  duty  to  do  up  her  own  back  hair. 

" '  I  do  believe,'  said  poor  Bessie,  when  telling  me  about 
it,  'that  if  myself  and  sister  took  to  shameful  Avays  for  a 
living,  the  ladies  would  say  it  was  a  Christian  duty  to  do  it 
themselves,  and  would  just  step  in  and  take  the  bread  out 
of  our  mouths  ! ' 

"  My  elder  boy  got  a  box  of  blacking,  and  for  a  while 
turned  a  very  decent  penny  in  the  Park ;  for  all  that  the 
policemen  nagged  him  and  told  him  to  'move  on'  whenever 
they  thought  there  was  a  chance  of  his  getting  a  job ;  but 
by-and-by  the  fellows  that  housed  to  shine  up,  before  they 
went  to  meeting,  for  five  cents,  found  out  that  economy  was 
a  Christian  duty,  and  took  to  blacking  their  own  boots. 
Little  Johnnie  there — the  one  with  the  red  hair — he  was 
hired  by  a  toyman  to  sit  in  the  show-window  and  ride  a 
spring  rocking-horse  all  day  lor  a  penny  an  hour — extra  com- 
pensation if  kept  at  it  after  the  gas  was  lit.  But  one  day 
the  toyman  came  down  and  said  that  lie  had  discovered  that 
a  penny  saved  was  a  penny  earned,  and  that  economy  was  a 
duty,  and  so  he  took  his  own  little  boy  out  of  school,  putting 
him  on  the  horse  and  Johnnie  off.  Johnnie  felt  right  bad 
about  it,  too,  for  he  had  become  attached  to  the  horse,  and 
knew  his  ways  exactly. 

"Well,  for  all  that  the  family  was  at  home  on  my  hands, 
I  managed  to  keep  things  going  by  peddling  cider.  But  all 
of  a  sudden  the  trade  fell  off;  my  old  customers  shook  their 
heads  and  said  they  could  not  afford  any.  This  soured  us. 
Last  night,  I  knocked  the  head  out  of  the  barrel,  and  we  all 


THE  MORAL  OF  IT.  333 

laid  our  heads  together — and  you  see  what  came  of  it.  John- 
nie kicked  a  little  at  first — he  never  did  like  cider,  and  he 
hadn't  had  anything  else  to  eat  for  three  days — but  he  got 
used  to  it  after  a  while  and  drowned  quite  decently." 

A  "  r.  S."  was  added,  short  but  earnest,  with  the  last  two 
words  in  italic: — "  Don't  let  the  funny  reporter  say  that  my 
wife  was  becider  self." 

Judge  of  my  feelings  as  I  stood  beside  the  remains  of  that 
unfortunate  family,  minglhig  salt  tears  with  the  cider  that 
wofully  dripped  from  their  clothing.  "Guilty  of  murder — • 
an  accessory  before  the  fact,"  I  gasped,  in  self-accusing  hor- 
ror, and,  with  a  nervous  glance  over  my  shoulder  to  see  if 
pursuit  was  near,  plunged  into  a  dark  alley-way.  Nemesis, 
in  a  bhie  uniform,  was  behind  me,  and  shouted  : — 

"  Stop  !  I  want  to  take  yoxt  in  !" 

Instead  of  stopping,  I  made  a  straight  wake  down  the 
street  until  felled  by  a  sudden  blow.  Picking  myself  up,  I 
turned  round  to  the  feller,  and  squared  off,  intending  to 
make  a  light  for  it — 

Of  course,  to  find  that  I  had  been  asleep  on  the  lounge, 
had  rolled  to  the  fioor,  and  was  simply  pegging  away  at  my 
astonished  room-mate,  who  had  just  come  in.  A  story  of 
this  kind  without  such  an  ending  could  scarcely  be  consid- 
ered orthodox.  That  such  a  catastrophe  as  entered  into  my 
dream  attended  Mr.  Beecher's  early  economy  in  the  matter 
of  cider,  I  do  not  believe;  but  the  chance  that  it  might  have 
done  so,  counteracted,  to  a  great  degree,  the  effect  of  his 
excellent  sermon  and  exam])le.  I  have  come  to  believe  that, 
though  it  may  be  well  enough  to  black  one's  own  boots,  it  is 
better  to  give  the  job  to  a  ragged-nosed  boy,  and,  while  he  is 
earning  his  coff'ee  and  cakes,  make  a  dollar  yourself  by  doing 
something  in  Avhich  you  can  shine  to  more  advantage — 
writing  for  the  newspapers,  for  instance.  Each  to  his  own 
vocation,  and  depend  upon  that,  though  saving  sixpences  is 
one  way  of  acquiring  a  cotnpctcnce,  earning  shillings  is 
better.  Patronize  others,  in  all  trades  and  businesses,  as 
Iil)erally  as  you  desire  otliers  to  patronize  you  ;  make  all  the 
money  you  can,  keep  as  much  of  it  in  circulation  as  possible, 


334:  MINISTERS  CONSIDERED  AS  MEN. 

and  remember  tliat  the  superlative  of  miser  is  miserrimus. 

It  may  be  thought  that  at  this  point  I  shall  say  something 
about  the  "  Clerical  Scandal."  No  !  This  chapter  was  writ- 
ten years  ago,  but  what  is  said  of  Mr.  Beecher's  preaching 
remains  as  true  now  as  it  was  then.  That  all  the  foul  ru- 
mors affecting  the  great  preacher's  reputation  will  be  dissipated 
into  thin  air,  I  fervently  hope,  but  cannot  delay  my  book 
until  the  result  is  reached;  nor  do  I  know  that  I  would  step 
very  swiftly  forward  to  shy  stones  were  he  proven   guilty. 

It  has  long  seemed  to  me  that  a  great  mistake  is  made  in 
the  treatment  of  clergymen.  That  ministers  are  men.  never 
occurs,  apparently,  to  the  ladies,  either  young  or  old,  of  a 
congregation.  Nor  is  it  the  custom  to  treat  them  as  though 
they  were  women,  exactl}^ ;  the  impression  seems  to  be  that 
a  clergyman  is  neither  man  nor  woman,  but  a  sort  of  nonde- 
script creature,  neuter  in  gender,  standing  on  a  plane  far  re- 
moved from  all  human  passion,  and  to  be  approached  and 
played  with  by  either  sex  with  impunity.  It  has  always  been 
evident  enough  to  my  mind  that  a  man  is  nothing  but  a  man, 
whether  he  wear  a  farmer's  frock  or  a  parson's  gown,  and 
it  wouldn't  gratify  me  particularly  to  have  even  a  man  in 
woman's  clothes  kiss  my  wife  more  than  twice  a  week.  If 
the  kiss  be  simply  a  fraternal  one,  and  no  business  is  meant, 
and  church  discipline  makes  it  necessary  that  one  of  the 
flock  shall  be  kissed — occasionally — why,  let  the  minister  kiss 
me  !  I  can  stand  it  if  he  can.  But  so  far  from  desiring  outside 
help  in  such  affairs,  I  consider  myself  quite  competent  to  do 
all  the  kissing  that  it  is  healthful  for  any  one  woman  to 
have. 

Aside  from  the  fact  that — estimating  at  its  full  the  terrible 
temptation  to  which  clergymen  are  exposed — I  am  disposed 
to  be  lenient,  can  anything  blot  out  the  good  Mr.  Beecher 
has  done  to  the  world  at  large  ?  Will  not  that  remain,  though 
it  be  established  that  he  himself  walked  not  in  the  path  he 
pointed  out  to  others? 

At  the  present  writing,  I  prefer  to  stand  quieth'  one  side. 
Some  bard  several  years  since  won  sudden  and  short  fame 


MY  IDEA  OF  DISCRETION.  335 

bj  metrically  declaring  bis  sympatliy  for  "  Tbe  Under  Dog 
in  tbe  Figlit ; "  on  tbe  beels  of  bis  success  I  tuned  my  barp, 
tigbtened  my  fiddle-strings,  and  set  up  a  bowl  (wbicb  applies 
just  as  well  now)  for 

THE   OUTSIDE   DOG  IN  THE  FIGHT. 

You  may  sing  of  your  dog,  your  bottom  dog. 

Or  of  any  dog  that  you  please, 
I  go  for  the  dog,  the  wise  old  dog, 

That  knowingly  takes  his  case, 
And,  wagging  his  tail  outside  the  ring, 

Keeping  always  his  bone  in  sight, 
Cares  not  a  pin  in  his  wise  old  head 

For  either  dog  in  the  fight. 

Not  his  is  the  bone  they  are  fighting  for, 

And  why  should  ray  dog  sail  in. 
With  nothing  to  gain  but  a  certain  chance 

To  lose  his  own  precious  skin  ! 
There  may  be  a  few,  perhaps,  who  fail 

To  see  it  in  quite  this  light. 
But  when  the  fur  flies  I  had  rather  be 

The  outside  dog  in  the  fight. 

I  know  there  are  dogs — most  generous  dogs 

Who  think  it  is  quite  the  thing 
To  take  the  part  of  the  bottom  dog, 

And  go  yelping  into  the  ring. 
I  care  not  a  pin  what  the  world  may  say 

In  regard  to  the  wrong  or  right; 
My  money  goes,  as  well  as  my  song, 

For  the  dog  that  keeps  out  of  the  fight !  ^ 


CHAPTER  XLYI. 

ABOUT   DE.    CHAPIN    AND    DK.    FROTHINGHAM ;    NOT   TO   BE    SKIP- 
PED  BY    THOSE   WHO  WANT  LIGHT  ON  THEOLOGICAL    POINTS. 


WHEN  I  once  start  in  on  chiirch-going  there's  no  let  up 
to  it  till  the  year  is  out  or  my  Sunday  clothes  come 
to  have  holes  in  them.  So  after  beginning  with  Beecher,  it 
seemed  to  me  only  the  square  thing  to  show  myself  at  the 
Church  of  the  Divine  Paternity  and  take  a  jolt  along  with 
Dr.  Chapin.  The  experiment  was  eminently  successful,  for 
I  had  the  satisfaction  of  hearing  one  of  the  best  sermons  ever 
I  heard  in  my  life.  And  any  weak  and  erring  mortal  who 
does  not  think  that  I  am  a  good  judge  of  sermons  can  lose 
all  the  money  that  he  is  seriously  willing  to  put  up  on  that 
proposition. 

In  my  belief  that  the  sermon  to  which  I  refer  was  super- 
eminently good,  I  am  strengthened  by  the  opinion  of  a  lady 
nearly  seventy  years  old — who  in  all  that  while  has  scarcely 
spent  a  Sabbath  at  home.  She  too  declares  that  a  better  ser- 
mon she  never  listened  to.  And  inasmuch  as  she  is  one  of 
the  Presbyterian  pillars,  and  but  consented  "  to  appear  for 
this  one  occasion  only"  in  an  unorthodox  church,  under  pro- 
test, her  declaration  should  surely  carry  some  weight. 

The  subject  M^as  the  healing  of  Blind  Bartimeus,  and  it 
was  capitally  handled  throughout.  The  attempt  of  the  mul- 
titude to  repress  the  blind  man's  informal  approach,  and  the 
renewed  earnestness  with  which  he  pressed  on  and  cried  out, 
breaking  through  the  ceremonial  rails  with  which  they 
attempted  to  fence  the  Saviour  in  and  the  people  out,  was 

336 


DR.  CHAPIN'S  SERMON.  337 

dwelt  upon  with  mucli  force.  And  another  point  was  made 
in  the  fact  that  Jesus  made  no  attempt  at  proselytisni  before 
healing — the  blind  man  simply  asked  to  have  his  sight 
restored,  and  it  was  given  him  in  one  merciful  word.  He 
was  not  told  that  it  was  sinful  to  be  anxious  about  his  sio-ht 
wiien  he  had  a  soul  to  save,  nor  was  a  tract  thrown  into  his 
hand  the  moment  his  eyes  were  opened.  Left  to  the  f^ugges- 
tions  of  his  own  gratitude,  he  followed  Jesus, — and  I  hope 
he  did  not,  on  the  next  occasion  when  a  poor  outsider  came 
clamoring  for  mercy,  join  with  the  crowd  to  bid  him  hold 
his  peace,  asserting  that  such  conduct  and  such  a  noise  on 
such  an  occasion  were  vastly  improper.  Indeed,  the  sermon 
was  an  excellent  one,  and  it  is  only  by  the  exercise  of  stern 
self-control  that  1  resist  the  temptation  to  transcribe  it  entire. 
Even  the  most  orthodox  of  my  readers  would  scarcely  object 
to  its  teachings,  for  the  good  old  lady,  of  whom  I  have 
already  made  mention,  remarked  to  me  at  its  close,  in  the 
greatest  surprise : — 

"  Why,  there  was  nothing  in  it  to  show  that  he  is  a  Uni- 
versalist !" 

Nor  was  there,  beyond  the  fact  that  the  sermon  was  much 
better  than  one  is  accustomed  to  hear  in  pulpits  where  dog- 
mas and  abstractions  furnish  the  theme,  and  that  it  inculcated 
love  to  man  as  well  as  worship  of  a  spirit. 

Have  you  ever  heard  Dr.  Chapin  preach?  l^o; — well, 
you  should,  for  the  manner  is  peculiar  to  himself,  setting 
aside  wliat  he  says.  A  side  door  opens,  and  in  bustles  a 
short  little  man,  with  the  most  business-like  air  in  the  world. 
His  walk  is  brisk,  and  for  all  external  indications  he  might 
be  an  auctioneer  mounting  his  desk,  instead  of  a  clergyman 
stepping  into  a  pulpit.  The  business  air  does  not  leave  him 
wiiile  he  sits  listening  to  the  voluntary  on  the  organ  ;  on  the 
contrary,  were  he  a  lecturer,  it  would  be  said  that  he  was 
counting  the  house  and  estimating  how  many  dead-heads  were 
probably  in.  He  reads  the  hymn  in  a  devotional  tone — his 
elocution  is  fine — but  he  opens  the  Bible  and  turns  over  its- 
pages  in  a  quick,  nervous  way,  as  a  merchant  might  the^ 
22 


338  I>K.  CHAPIN'S  STYLE. 

leaves  of  his  ledger,  when  anxious  to  find  a  particular  entry 
and  pressed  for  time. 

There  is  nothing  very  striking  at  first  about  his  delivery  ; 
he  reads  a  chapter  and  gives  out  the  text  very  much  as  many 
other  ministers  do — with  the  one  exception  before  noticed, 
of  being  a  good  reader — then  he  bends  down  his  head  over 
his  notes  (he  is  near-sighted),  and  the  work  is  quietly  begun. 
But  it  is  when  an  inspiration  seizes  him,  and  he  warms  with 
his  subject  and  leaves  his  notes,  that  you  come  to  see  that  he 
is  not  as  most  men  and  ministers  are.  The  gift  of  the 
■improvisatore  has  become  his,  poetry  and  passion  both 
possess  him;  and  eloquent  sentences,  seemingly  unstudied, 
curl  from  his  lips  in  symmetrical  waves  of  smooth  and  per- 
fect rhetoric.  You  rather  tremble  for  the  result  when  he 
shall  ''  let  down  "  ;  but  the  drop  comes  at  once, — there  is  no 
tapering  off,  no  bathos ;  in  the  most  easy  and  natural  man- 
ner he  bends  his  head  again  over  his  notes,  and  goes  on  read- 
ing. At  the  close,  as  the  last  syllable  of  the  sermon  is 
spoken,  he  shuts  to  the  Bible  with  a  sort  of  slap,  as  though 
he  had  preached  it  all  out,  and  says,  "let  us  pray,"  verj'- 
much  as  a  man  having  finished  his  day's  work,  would  sa}', 
"  let  us  quit."  I  don't  know  but  that  one  would  tire  of  the 
mannerism  after  a  while,  but  the  effect  certainly  is  piquant  at 
first. 

From  liberal  Orthodoxy  up  to  Univei-salism  I  stepped  gin- 
gerly, but  the  next  bound  brought  me  slap  into  double  dis- 
tilled Unitarianism,  and  for  a  number  of  Sundays  I  exposed 
myself  to  the  blasts  which  whistle  through  Lyric  Hall,  for 
about  the  time  of  my  joining  his  congregation,  Mr.  Frothing- 
ham — probably  getting  an  inkling  of  what  threatened — went 
to  work  and  sold  his  church.  The  Rev.  O.  B.  is  a  great 
favorite  of  mine — as  he  is  of  all  who  hear  him  thrice.  The 
first  time  is  rather  a  shock  to  one's  nerves  if  one  has  been 
accustomed  to  the  quiet  platitudes  and  tepid  milk  of  a  coun- 
try pulpit,  for  instance.  The  next  time  you  take  the  douche 
in  comjjarative  quiet,  though  now  and  again  you  can  but 
wriggle  a  little.     And  the  third  time  it  feels  so  good  and 


DR.  FROTHIXGHAM'S  STYLE.  339 

bracing  that  you  sit  under  the  spout,  of  your  own  accord  next 
Sunday  and  wouldn't  miss  it  for  anytliing.  His  congregation 
is  small,  but  he  never  loses  one  of  them.  Their  faith  in  him 
and  admiration  is  something  sublime,  I  know  one  lady  who 
keeps  a  statuette  of  him  in  her  trunk,  another  on  the  man- 
tel-shelf, and  photographs  plastered  all  over  the  room,  bow- 
ing herself  before  each  one  a  dozen  times  a  day  in  silent 
adoration.  He  is  just  the  opposite  of  Dr.  Cliapin,  in  every 
respect  save  the  physical  resemblance  of  being  near-sighted. 

In  no  sense  of  the  word  is  Mr.  Frothingham  a  popular 
preacher,  nor  would  he  ever  become  one.  A  deep  and  original 
thinker,  the  attraction  lies  in  his  thought  and  not  in  his 
manner, — it  is  what  he  says  that  charms  and  not  the  way  he 
says  it.  In  consequence,  one  could  never  tire  of  him.  His 
delivery  is  not  bad,  but  it  is  earnest  rather  than  elocutionary. 
In  gesticulation  he  never  indulges,  he  is  too  absorbed  to 
brandish  even  a  linger;  in  the  most  impressive  passages  his 
voice  sinks  rather  than  rises ;  he  becomes  possessed  with  but 
one  thought.  Eminently  progressive  he  suggests  ideas  to 
his  hearer.  The  comprehensiveness  of  his  sermons  is  not 
bounded  by  what  is  spoken.  He  puts  one  end  of  a  thread 
into  your  hand  and  leaves  you  to  unwind  the  spool  at  your 
own  leisure  and  in  your  own  fashion.  With  Chapin  you  can 
come  up  after  awhile,  but  it  is  impossible  to  catch  Frothing- 
liam.  lie  keeps  ahead  of  you,  let  you  make  as  long  legs  as 
you  may. 

There  is  no  fear  of  the  pupil  outrunning  the  master,  and 
to  travel  alongside  of  him  even,  is  a  stint  beyond  the  powers 
of  most  young  men.  Cliapin  has  gone  about  as  far  from  the 
centre  as  he  cares  to  swing,  ])crhaps  as  far  as  he  thinks  it 
safe;  with  him  the  circle  is  nearly  complete,  and  he  does  not 
travel  beyond  certain  limits;  he  preaches  plain,  practical  com- 
mon sense  ;  a  mantle  of  poetry  clothes  the  outlines,  but  it  is 
common  sense  still.  Frothingham  is  more  sublimated  ;  he 
grapples  with  great  philosophies  and  thinks  it  fun  to  float 
among  the  shapeless  mists  of  transcendentalism.  Some  of 
his  sermons  are  rather  astounding;  he  mounts  among  the 


340  DR.  FROTHINGHAM'S  SERMON. 

stars,  and  then  kicks  tlie  ladder  down  behind  him.  Keep 
fast  hold  of  his  coat-tail  and  you're  all  right,  but  let  go  for 
an  instant  and  you  find  yourself  way  down  below,  standing 
in  amazement,  wondering  how  he  got  up  there,  how  long  he 
intends  to  stay,  how  he'll  get  down  and  where  you've  been 
all  the  while.  Never  fear  for  him  though.  An  accomplished 
scholar,  armed  at  all  points  and  carrying  his  own  wood,  water 
and  provisions  along  with  him,  he  is  perfectly  competent  to 
take  care  of  himself  anywhere.  If  he  feels  like  it,  he'll  let 
himself  down  to  your  level  again, — perhaps  to  fasten  his  beak 
and  talons  in  your  wool  again  and  snatch  you  up  with  him 
higher  than  he  flew  before.  All  very  well  if  you  have  pluck 
and  the  pin-feathers  hold — if  they  break  you  must  take  care 
of  yourself.     But  to  give  you  a  current  example  : — 

"  Ye  pay  tithes  of  mint,  anise  and  cummin,  etc." — see 
Matthew  xxiii.,  23. 

That  was  the  text  of  one  of  Mr.  Frothiiiffham's  late  ser- 
mons, — one  of  his  startling  sermons,  when  he  reminds  you  of 
a  rliinoceros  in  a  cabbage  garden,  ripping  up  the  young  sprouta 
with  that  terrible  horn  of  his.  Unfamiliar  with  the  text,  I  never 
before  knew  what  the  "short  cummins"  are,  which  we  hear 
complained  of.  Then  it  became  plain  to  me :  members  of 
the  early  congregations  were  not  promptly  on  hand  with 
their  early  contributions  of  anise,  cummin,  etc. — they  were 
short — hence  the  phrase,  "  Forgive  our  short  cummins,  etc." 

What  do  you  think  of  an  assertion  like  this?  "Political 
economy,  with  a  little  science  and  no  God,  will  do  more  for 
mankind  than  religion,  with  no  science  and  three  Gods." 
Again  :  "  It  is  easier  to  be  an  orthodox  churchmember  than 
to  be  a  kind  neighbor."  The  latter  proposition  is  true  per- 
haps ;  but  most  men  find  it  remarkably  difficult  to  be  either. 
He  does  not  admit  that  the  liberal  system  is  an  easy  one, 
claiming,  on  the  contrary,  that  the  path  is  hard  to  travel : 
"  An  easy  system  !  It  is  a  thousand  times  easier  to  believe 
the  whole  orthodox  theology,  and  observe  the  whole  Catho- 
lic ceremonial,  to  fast  twice  in  the  week  the  year  round,  and 
credit  the  miracle  of  the  winking  virgin  and  the  holy  coat, 


DR.  FROTHINGHAMS  DOCTRINES.  34-1 

than  it  is  to  be  just  to  one  you  are  prejudiced  against,  merci- 
ful to  one  who  has  injured  jou,  or  faithful  to  one  you  dis- 
like." I  should  say  so,  indeed.  For  in  my  time  I  have  met 
many  virgins  that  winked  and  as  for  a  holy  coat,  there  is  my 
dress  one  that  the  moths  have  left  but  one  tail  of.  I  am 
afraid,  though,  that  Mr.  Frothingham  is  rather  skeptical. 
The  other  Sunday  he  declared  that  he  was  "  too  good  a  Prot- 
estant to  believe  in  Catholic  miracles,  and  too  good  a  ration- 
alist to  believe  in  any  miracles  at  all."  But  as  I  have 
before  explained,  he  must  not  be  taken  exactly  as  he  says, — 
at  least  as  he  can  be  made  to  say  by  taking  detached  sentences 
from  his  sermons.  The  context  has  much  to  do  in  the  way 
of  modifying  these  declarations,  especially  as  showing  the 
spirit  in  which  they  are  made.  I  don't  think  that  he's  always 
exactly  pious  in  his  utterances,  but  he  says  some  things  that 
sound  sensible  enough.  For  instance : — "  The  religion  of 
Jesus  was  a  social  religion ;  its  object  was  to  establish  the 
reign  of  heavenly  principles  on  the  earth,  to  make  people 
love,  help,  serve  one  another;  to  make  them  kind,  sympa- 
thetic, peaceable  ;  to  make  them  just,  pitiful  and  true.  Appar- 
eutly  this  was  all  he  cared  for.  The  idea  of  propitiating 
God,  of  buying  hig  favor  by  sacrifices,  of  gaining  liis  good-will 
by  prayers,  of  pleasing  him  by  being  idle  on  Sunday,  never 
occurred  to  him  except  as  a  preposterous  delusion.  He 
never  spent  an  effort  in  behalf  of  another  world.  He  laid 
down  his  life  tliat  men  might  live  like  human  beings  in  this." 
Ecading  the  life  of  Jesus  as  told  in  the  New  Testament,  it 
looks  very  like  this  summing  up  to  me.  lie  fed  and  healed 
the  poor  quite  as  much  as  he  preached  to  them,  and  I  do  not 
find  that  lie  ever  said  anything  about  the  duty  of  building 
big  churches  or  ramming  ourselves  through  rusty  canons,  or 
sitting  dov\Mi  on  Sunday  to  be  as  solemn  and  stupid  as  owls. 
"  What  have  the  evantrelical  doj^inas  ever  done  for  the  cause 
of  peace  or  liberty?  What  efi'ect  has  the  doctrine  of  tlic 
Trinity,  or  the  Deity  of  Christ,  or  the  vicarious  atonement 
exerted  on  the  slave-trade,  or  the  coolie  trade,  or  commercial 
monopolies,  or  debasement  of  the  currency?     What  connec- 


342  WHAT  I  THINK  ABOUT  IT  ALL. 

tion  has  there  ever  been  between  the  sacraments  and  the 
wages  of  labor,  or  the  restoration  of  women  to  their  rightful 
position  in  society?  Wherein  has  the  water  of  baptism 
helped  to  purify  the  Ghetto  or  the  Five  Points  ? "  (By  the 
way,  it  occurs  to  me  that  the  reader  may  find  it  difficult  to 
distinguish  between  Mr.  Frothingham  and  me.  Please  pre- 
serve the  line  of  demarkation  carefully,  and  be  particular 
about  the  quotation  marks  for  I  don't  want  my  reputation 
for  piety  utterly  destroyed).  "  God  will  look  out  for  the 
universe,  if  each  individual  will  look  out  for  himself." 

The  sum  of  it  is,  if  you'll  let  me  run  the  column  up  for  you, 
Mr.  Frothingham  is  a  very  able  man  and  says  some  excellent 
things,  and  when  he  gets  converted,  as  he  will  some  day,  and 
becomes  orthodox  in  his  notions,  he'll  do  a  deal  of  good  in 
the  world.  Some  persons  may  venture  out  from  shore,  but 
for  me  it  is  a  necessity  to  keep  my  feet  firmly  planted  on 
orthodox  ground,  since  if  I  once  begin  to  doubt  anything 
dogmatical,  I  should  soon  end  by  disbelieving  everything  and 
drifting  entirely  clear  of  the  law  and  the  profits.  On  general 
principles  I  don't  think  it  is  well  to  blow  out  a  man's  candle 
unless  you  can  give  him  a  little  better  light  to  walk  by. 
And  fumbling  around  for  tinder  in  the  dark,  one  is  apt  to 
knock  his  head  against  something  if  he  doesn't  break  his 
neck. 

So  after  all  this  writing  about  the  doctrines  of  others, 
you  would  like  to  have  my  religious  vieAvs,  would  you? 
Now  if  you'll  never  say  a  word  about  it,  I'll  give  you  a  little 
idea  of 

MY  THEOLOGY. 

The  sands  of  the  Desert  glowed  hot  and  red, 
The  sun  of  the  Desert  beat  down, 

Till  it  blistered  the  top  of  the  Carmelite's  head- 
Just  the  round  shaven  spot  on  his  crown. 

An  Arab  swept  up,  bare-chested  and  brown. 

"  My  tent  door  stands  open,"  he  said. 
The  monk  found  a  wine-skin  under  his  gown 

The  Arab  brought  dates  and  bread. 


MY  OWN  THEOLOGY. 

"  Kind  Allah,  we  thank  thee  ! "  the  Arab  cried, 
When  our  simple  repast  was  spread. 

I  fell  to  at  once,  but  the  monk  replied, 
"  Nav,  Sheik,  thank  the  Lord  instead ! " 

Then  the  two  argued  loud  and  the  two  argued  long 
As  to  how  their  grace  should  be  said  ; 

But  before  they  had  got  at  the  right  or  the  wrong 
I  had  finished  both  dates  and  bread. 

"When  they  turned  to  me,  I  could  not  declare 

On  a  point  so  exceedingly  fine, 
But  I  rode  away  on  the  Arab's  mare 

With  my  friend  the  Carmelite's  wine. 

Just  where  my  thanks  are  due  I  cannot  decide, 

But  honors  are  easy  I  think  ; 
So  Allah  I  thank  for  the  mare  I  ride — 

The  Lord  for  the  wine  I  drink. 


543 


CHAPTER  XLYII. 

A  VISIT   TO  WASHINGTON  AND  A  FEW  WOKDS  ABOUT    THE   POLICY 

OF  INFLATION. 

WHEN  several  months  since,  I  retired  from  the  busy- 
hum  and  whirr  of  public  life  to  the  peaceful  shades  of 
Gowanus  Bay — where  the  Oregon  rolls  at  a  distance  from 
the  cove  of  two  thousand  miles  or  so,  according  to  the  most 
recent  geographical  surveys,  and  one  hears  no  sound  save 
his  own  plashings  as  he  wades  across  the  Gowanus  Canal, 
once  whitened  with  the  sails  of  commerce,  but  now  given 
over  to  the  noiseless  gambols  of  the  clam — it  was  not  my 
intention  again  to  emerge  into  the  cold  and  unsympathetic 
world.  Even  the  Congregational  Council  failed  to  call  me 
out.  At  one  time  during  the  progress  of  the  Conference  I 
was  more  than  half  determined  to  billet  myself  on  Brooklyn 
and  put  the  contending  clergymen  up  to  a  wrinkle  or  two, 
but  constitutional  indolence  and  the  thought  that  it  was 
none  of  my  funeral  prevailed,  and  I  remained  at  home. 
Expansion  of  the  currency  was  another  thing.  The  man 
who  could  sit  inactively  in  his  chair  while  it  was  rumored 
that  Congress,  bent  upon  making  us  all  rich,  intended  to 
give  to  every  man,  woman  and  child  of  this  glorious  Repub- 
lic, one  or  two  hundred  thousand  dollars  in  paper  currency, 
must  be  unworthy  the  name  of  an  American  or  a  sound  bus- 
iness man.  So  I  at  once  went  on  to  Washington  to  learn  if 
this  were  true. 

It  was  impossible  to  get  a  sleeping-car,  and  I  had  to  squeeze 
into  a  seat  by  the  side  of  a  fat  woman,  who  overlapped  and 

344 


ARRIVING  IX  WASHINGTON.  34.5 

flowed  around  me  like  a  sea  of  lard,  Yerilj  I  thought  to 
myself  that  the  wedges  of  a  fat  woman,  like  those  of  sin,  are 
pretty  certain  death ! 

We  were  seven  hours  behind  time,  and  had  nothing  to  eat 
on  the  way  but  peanuts  and  cough  lozenges.  Never  before 
had  I  visited  Washington.  As  I  set  my  feet  within  the  city 
— there  being  insufficient  room  to  plant  them  comfortably  in 
the  suburbs — my  soul  swelled,  my  eyes  dilated,  my  pocket- 
book  puffed  out,  and  I  felt  myself  generally  in  an  expansive 
atmosphere.  Leaving  my  valise  at  an  aristocratic  boarding- 
house,  on  the  corner  of  F  F  V-st.,  north,  and  P-st.,  south- 
east-by-south-a-little-southerly — a  house  which  I  would  recom- 
mend to  tourists  and  others  who  have  a  good  deal  of  money 
and  little  time  to  stay  and  spend  it  in — I  sauntered  out  to 
find  a  gentleman  in  the  diplomatic  service ;  Maccaroni-Maker- 
in-Chief  he  was  to  the  Italian  Embassy,  to  whom  I  bore  a 
letter  of  introduction. 

The  emotions  which  filled  my  mind  at  this  moment  I  do 
not  think  I  can  ever  forget,  though  I  do  not  positively  assert 
that  I  would  not  try  to,  were  a  sufficitjnt  consideration  offered 
me.  "  Can  it  be,"  I  remarked  to  mvself  in  a  low  tone  of 
voice,  "  that  I  at  last  stand  in  the  streets  of  the  city  where 
Washington  long  lived,  and  where  so  many  of  his  successors 
to  the  proudest  office  within  the  gift  of  the  people  long  neg- 
lected to  die,  notwithstanding  the  popular  willingness  that 
way?  Can  it  be  that  my  eyes  at  last  gaze  unrestrainedly, 
and  only  with  some  slight  obstruction  in  the  guise  of  dust, 
upon  the  domes  and  spires  and  oyster-shops  of  that  political 
metropolis  which,  if  not  the  Cradle  of  Lil)erty,  may  at  least 
be  regarded  as  the  Eock  of  the  Republic — and  one  upon 
which  we  are  very  likely  to  split  ?  A  city  where  it  cannot 
be  said  that  every  man  has  his  price,  insomuch  as  each  is 
ready  to  throw  himself  away  for  the  first  mess  of  pottage 
that  any  one  chooses  to  offer  ?     Can  it  be  ?" 

]jut  at  this  moment  it  occurred  to  me  that  my  business 
with  the  Maccaroni-Maker  to  the  Italian  Em})assy  was  mo- 
mentous, and  setting  a  hcrmetical  seal  upon  my  "  cans  "  as 


346  A  CITY  OF  NUMBERS. 

the  shortest  way  of  penning  up  the  emotions  which  filled 
my  breast,  I  began  looking  at  the  door-plates.  My  Maccaro- 
ni-Maker  lived  at  No.  2,379  F  F  V-st.,  north,  and  I  was 
opposite  'No.  221.  By  a  little  exercise  of  mental  arithmetic 
— at  which  I  was  always  rather  clever — I  figured  out  that  I 
had  seven  or  eight  miles  to  travel,  and  with  a  reckless  ex- 
travao-ance,  begotten  of  an  inflated  atmosphere,  stood  still 
and  called  a  carriage.  The  driver  whipped  up  his  horses,  for 
I  had  explained  that  my  errand  was  an  important  one  and 
haste  was  imperative,  and  drove  just  six  blocks,  depositing 
me  at  the  door  of  No.  2,379. 

In  arranging  numbers  in  Washington,  you  see,  they  count 
houses  where  there  are  none ;  it  is  a  way  they  have  of  "  ex- 
panding "  the  streets,  and  on  the  same  system,  I  suppose,  an 
"increase"  of  the  currency  is  contemplated.  But  it  is  not 
clear  to  my  mind  that,  after  all,  they  really  have  any  more 
houses  than  they  would  if  they  ciphered  them  up  in  the 
ordinary  way. 

If  strange  emotions  swelled  my  soul  on  simply  standing 
in  the  streets  of  the  political  metroj)olis,  what  proud  feeling, 
think  you,  gushed  up  within  me  when  I  sat  in  the  House  of 
Kepresentatives  as  a  spectator,  and  not  a  member  ?  In  view 
of  one  fact  that  immediately  arrested  my  attention — that  so 
many  knaves  and  fools  are  sent  to  AVashington  at  the  expense 
of  the  people — it  seemed  to  me  strange  indeed  that  /  had  to 
pay  my  own  fare  from  Gowanus ;  for,  if  a  man  does  not 
come  under  one  category  or  the  other,  where  does  he  belong, 
and  what  business  has  he  in  Washington  any  way  ?  This  was 
a  problem  which  agitated  my  peaceful  breast  for  no  little 
time,  and  I  was  only  diverted  from  it  when  Gen.  Butler — 
the  Double-headed  Eagle  of  Massachusetts,  as  Grace  Green- 
wood once  termed  him,  I  believe,  in  a  Washington  corres- 
pondence— rose  to  speak. 

It  has  always  been  a  comfort  to  me  this  seeing  Gen.  Butler 
on  the  floor  at  Washington,  for  I  knew  that  while  he  stood 
there  my  spoons  at  home — in  Gowanus — were  safe.  And 
now  that  he  was  struggling  to  give  us  all  one  or  two  hundred 


BUTLER  HAS  TUE  FLOOR.  3-1.7 

thousand  dollars  apiece,  my  heart  went  out  to  him  all  in  one 
gush,  as  it  were. 

On  rising,  the  General  cast  a  quick  glance  at  the  gallery, 
at  once  recognizing  the  gentleman  from  Gowanus,  I  think — 
any  wa}',  he  cocked  his  eye  at  me.  Then  he  began  his  speech, 
and  it  was  beautiful.  "  Who  so  stony-hearted,"  he  said,  "  as 
to  sit  unmoved  on  a  cane-bottomed  chair  or  even  the  stool  of 
office,  while  the  cry  of  distress  goes  up  from  all  parts  of  the 
land,  and  refuse  to  lend  a  helping  hand — aye,  to  give  a  help- 
ing hand — especially  when  it  wouldn't  cost  a  cent.  From 
the  West,  the  East,  the  Korth,  and  the  South,  to  say  nothing 
of  the  constituency  of  Gloucester,  which  he  represented, 
came  the  cry  of  poverty,  the  complaint  that  no  one  had  any 
money.  Why  not  give  them  some,  then  ?  AVhy  permit  the 
Government  presses  to  stand  idle,  when  paper  could  be 
bought  for  ten  cents  a  pound  and  a  million  dollars  could  be 
printed  in  a  minute  by  simply  turning  a  crank.  See  yon  sad 
orphan,"  and  he  pointed  directly  at  me  ;  ''  why  not  send  him 
on  his  M^ay  rejoicing,  with  the  gleam  of  hope  in  his  eye  and 
the  glitter  of  greenbacks  in  his  fist?  Why  not  treat  every 
orphan  thus?  Yea,  why  not  furnish  every  young  man  and 
maiden  who  have  arrived  at  years  of  discretion — or  at  least 
at  a  determination  never  to  marry — with  a  private  press,  and 
let  each  grind  out  paper  for  his  or  her  individual  needs? 
Every  heart  knoweth  its  own  bitterness,  and  no  one  so  well  as 
the  citizen  liimsclf  can  judge  how  much  money  he  wants.  Find 
fault  with  a  country  for  being  liberal  of  promises  to  pay! 
Waa  not  tliis  the  Land  of  Promise,  lie  would  ask;  and  he 
would  ask  it,  too,  in  trumpet  tones,"  and  here  his  voice  rang 
out  witii  the  stirring  blare  of  a  new  tin  tish-horn.  "What, 
tlien,  could  be  more  fitting?  &c.,  tfec,  &c." 

But  one  cannot  stay  and  listen  to  Butler  forever,  so  I 
drifted  around  to  the  Senate  Chamber,  where  the  thirster 
after  common  sense  is  treated  to  pretty  much  the  same  sort 
of  talk.  Morton  and  Carpenter — competent  enough  either  of 
them  to  measure  their  audiences,  if  the  one  began  life  as  a 
tailor  as  I  have  heard — were  bent  on  giving  everybody  $100,- 


348  PROPOSING  TO  FILL  A  HOLE  WITH  WATER. 

000  or  $200,000  just  to  start  with.  The  gist  of  the  argument 
on  all  sides  seemed  to  be  :— Here's  a  big  hole,  let's  till  it  up 
with  water. 

You  have  no  idea  how  rich  I  felt  while  listening  to  all 
these  plans  for  literally  making  money,  nor  how  poor  I  felt 
when  I  went  down  to  the  Patent  Office  and  tried  to  borrow 
a  dollar  on  a  really  new  and  useful  invention  which  1  hap- 
pened to  have  in  my  carpet-bag,  and  they  all  refused  to  lend 
it  to  me.  When  I  offered  to  settle  my  bill  at  the  aristocratic 
boarding-house  by  giving  a  promise  to  pay,  they  objected 
too,  but  would  take  my  gold  watch.  And  it  seems  to  happen, 
somehow,  that  no  matter  how  much  money  they  print,  none 
of  it  gets  into  the  hands  where  it  is  needed — in  which  respect 
it  remarkably  resembles  tracts — and  everybody  is  just  as 
badly  off  in  a  week  or  two  as  before,  notwithstanding  that 
$100,000  or  $200,000  apiece  has  been  struck  off  for  them. 

Some  poets,  philosophers,  Sanscrit  scholars,  and  theologians 
say  that  filling  up  a  hole  with  water  is  no  manner  of  use : 
that  the  more  water  you  put  in  the  larger  the  hole  washes, 
the  further  you  are  getting  all  the  while  from  bottom,  and 
the  more  trouble  you'll  have  when  jou  find  that  you  must 
really  buckle  to  and  fill  the  hole  up  with  solid  stuff!  Tliink- 
ins:  it  over,  it  sometimes  occurs  to  me  that  we  all  have  made 
a  great  mistake  from  the  first  in  endeavoring  to  turn  a 
national  curse  into  a  national  blessing.  A  civil  war  came 
upon  us,  one  section  of  the  country  was  arrayed  against  the 
other  in  the  most  dreadful  strujjgle  that  ever  deluo:ed  God's 
footstool  with  blood,  and  when  it  was  all  over  and  the  earth 
on  every  side  was  trenched  with  graves  and  sown  with  dead 
— plowed  and  seeded  down  as  never  our  farms  were  before 
— instead  of  going  down  upon  our  knees  and  thanking  God 
that  we  had  escaped  annihilation,  that  anything  at  all  remained 
to  us,  confessing  that  we  were  poor  and  endeavoring  by  fru- 
gality and  honest  industry  to  pay  that  which  we  owed — 
behold,  we  turned  round  and,  beckoning  other  nations  around 
us  to  admire,  said  : — "  Lo,  we  are  rich — this  war  has  made  us 
60 !     Look,  the  need  of  the  time  has  stimulated  industry  and 


THE  MISTAKE  WE  MADE.  349 

invention ;  never  were  our  manufactories  so   briskly  busy ; 
have  we  not  builded  millions  of  ingenious  engines  for  the 
reduction  of  works  and  workers  in  all  parts  of  our  land, 
besides  buying  weapons  of  war  and  munitions  of  war  on  credit 
from  every  nation  of  the  earth  ?     One-third  of  our  common 
country  is  laid  waste,  fertile  plantations  and  farms  are  given 
over  again  into  wilderness  ;  one-tenth  of  those  who  tilled  the 
soil,  flung  the  shuttle,  swung  the  sledge,  whose  strong  arms 
in  a  thousand  directions  kept  busy  wheels  whirring,  are  slain. 
The  vultures  everywhere  are  fattened ;  on  no  side  can  you 
turn  without  running  against  the  protruding  belly  of  some  con- 
tractor made  rich.     And  the  usual  legacy  of  a  protracted  war 
is  with  us ;  mark  you  the  exchange.     The  camp  which  took 
sturdy,   honest  men   from   our   midst  has  returned   to   us 
drunkards  and  demagogues.     Were  our  Government  amena- 
ble to  the  laws  which  regulate  debit  and  credit  between  indi- 
viduals, the  shuttersof  its  Treasury  wouldhavebeen  put  uplong 
since.     But  we  have  managed  to  grow  rich  out  of  it :  never  be- 
fore were  we  so  prosperous,  never  were  we  so  happy.  Iloop-la  ! 
"Was  ever  such  a  nation  as  ours  !     Hail  to  the  eagle  !     Hur- 
rah for  such  a  chance  to  make  money.     And  a  tiger,  boys !" 
Forthwith,  instead  of  weaving  our  own  cloth  and  turning 
to  in  homespun  attire  to  repair  by  years  of  frugality  the  rav- 
ages which  each  year  of  war  wrought,  we  stretched  out  our 
greedy,  lustful  hands  to  foreign  looms  for  silks  and  velvets, 
saying,  "  Give  us,  we  will  pay  thee  anon."     We  travel  abroad, 
and  who   so   gorgeous   as   the   American?     Is   not   "Milor 
Anglaise,"  for  whom  "  biftck   godamqueek"  is    ordered  in 
trembling  tones  by  the  quakinggarcon  immediately  his  mutton 
chop  whiskers  show  themselves  over  the  threshold,  beggared 
by  the  comparison  ?  Or  we  will  not  go  abroad  this  year  ;  a  sim- 
ple little  trip  from  the  prairies  to  the  sea  or  from  gulf  to  gulf 
will  content  us.     AVhat  other  nation  has  palace  cars  forsooth, 
and  travels  in  none  other  ?     Has  the  Old  World  big  diamonds, 
costly  ftibrics,  choice  wines,  expensive  clergymen  for  which 
a  market  is  sought  ?     Where  send  they  them — where  but  to 
America?     Name  me,  if  you  can,  another  nation  so  ready  to 
import  superfluities,  so  willing  to  cx]>ort  obligations? 


350  WHERE  WE  NOW  STAND. 

It  is  as  if  a  hive  of  bees,  having  lost  one-third  of  their 
honey,  one-tenth  of  their  workers — not  one  drone — and  five 
years  of  time,  should  replace  their  honey-coinb  with  rags,  all 
the  empty  cells  with  rubbish,  and  then  set  up  a  louder  buzz 
and  hum  than  ever  was  heard  from  the  hive  before,  proclaim- 
ing that  never  were  they  so  rich  as  now,  never  were  they  so 
prosperous. 

The  fact  is,  we  are  paupers  for  the  moment ;  our  Govern- 
ment is  bankrupt  for  the  time,  and  we  only  live  by  the 
for])earance  of  creditors.  Do  you  deny  it  ?  What  mean, 
then,  these  promises  to  paj^,  past  due,  floating  round,  on 
which  nothing  can  be  collected  ?  Translate,  if  3'ou  can,  into 
any  other  meaning  this  proposition  now  to  increase  these  un- 
redeemed and  unredeemable  promises  by  millions,  instead  of 
lessening  thetn  by  one.  That  a  settling  day  for  all  this  must 
come,  sooner  or  later,  and  that  the  sooner  we  prepare  to 
meet  it  and  put  our  houses  in  economical  order,  the  better  it 
will  be  for  us  all — this  I  hold  to  be  a  proposition  too  self- 
evident  to  need  a  blackboard  demonstration. 

Amid  the  very  general  confession  that  we  have  been  and 
are  overtrading,  who  shows  a  sense  of  the  fact  ?  On  what 
side  do  you  see  a  movement  for  retrenchment  ?  The  many 
preach,  but  who  practices  ?  "When  I  say  "  preach,"  I  do  not 
mean  from  the  pulpit,  but  take  that  signal-post  of  Zion,  for 
instance.  Thence  comes  a  note  of  warning  ever  and  anon 
against  extravagance ;  but  look  at  the  example  set  in  the 
carving  and  adornment  of  that  very  structure.  Turn  to  the 
churches  themselves.  Scarcely  can  3'ou  show  me  one  of 
these  brown  stone  houses,  built  on  a  fashionable  street  for  the 
abiding  place  of  Him  who  built  the  world,  and  while  on 
earth  had  His  habitation  among  the  lowly — scarcely  one  of 
these  hints  of  a  brown  stone  compromise,  with  a  severe  but 
architecture-loving  Deity,  built  within  the  past  five  years,  can 
you  show  me  which  is  not  in  debt,  and  bonded  at  that,  for 
more  money  than  it  would  sell  for  if  put  under  the  hammer 
to-day.  The  corner-stone  of  nine  out  of  ten  has  been  laid 
in  debt  and  the  altar  consecrated  with  a  morto-a^-e.     Is  a 


FROG  AND  OX.  351 

clergyman  pale,  not  to  tlie  parks  of  the  Colorado,  the  health- 
giving  breezes  of  our  own  grand  mountains,  do  we  send  him, 
but  straight  for  a  tour  through  the  stinking  streets  of  Europe, 
carrying  several  thousands  of  dollars  in  gold  out  of  the  coun- 
try forever.     As  are  the  people,  so  are  the  teachers. 

Good  friends,  all  of  us  ;  we  have  made  a  grand  mistake, 
we  are  making  a  grand  mistake  all  the  while ;  and  printing 
off  paper  and  calling  it  money,  and  getting  deeper  in  debt 
on  the  strength  of  it,  won't  help  us  out  of  it.  The  frog  of 
the  fable  attempted  inflation,  you  will  remember,  and  burst 
before  attaining  the  "  expansion  "  at  which  he  aimed  ;  but  had 
he  indeed  attained  the  surface  size  of  the  ox  he  emulated, 
without  accident,  I  question  whether  he  would  have  been  very 
good  beef  when  one  got  down  to  the  bone  and  marrow  of 
it.  And  what  shall  it  profit  a  man  if  we  send  him  to 
market  with  a  bushel  basket  full  of  paper,  and  he  can 
carry  home  all  the  vegetables  it  purchaseth  in  his  vest 
pocket  ?  This  changing  about  does  not  help  matters  at 
all.  And  the  sooner  we  look  the  thing  squarely  in  the  face, 
and  conclude  to  take  the  back  track,  or  at  least  sit  down  on  a 
Btump  for  a  while  and  think  about  it,  the  better  it  will  be 
for  all  of  us — including  Gen.  Butler. 

As  for  me  personally,  I  have  returned  to  Gowanns 
there  to  cultivate  the  modest  business  virtues  of  the  turnip, 
and  in  the  retirement  of  my  garden  gather  a  lesson  as  to 
what  constitutes  the  wealth  of  nations,  from  the  steady- 
going  and  growing  potato  rather  than  the  puff-ball. 


CHAPTER  XLYIII. 

THE   TENEMENT  HOUSE,  WITH    A   BRIEF   SKETCH    OF  ITS   BUILDER, 
PUPHAM   POPHAMMEE,    ESQ. 

Popham  at  forty  was  rich, 

As  tlie  yearly  assessments  would  show: 

Lodged  in  an  opulent  niche ; 
Builder  of  Tenement  Row, 

In  youth  he  had  said  to  his  soul: 

It  is  good  to  be  honest  and  true; 
But  rather  than  poverty's  dole, 

We'll  be  rich  and  dispense  with  the  two. 
As  he  walked  through  the  by-ways  aud  streets, 

He  said  to  himself  in  his  greed: 
Gaunt  famine  one  everywhere  meets, 

And  gold  may  be  gathered  from  need. 
So  he  put  out  his  hand,  and  its  touch 

Was  a  rival  to  Midas  of  old, 
For  blood  changed  to  gold  in  his  clutch, 

And  tears  he  transmuted  to  gold. 


D^ 


Thus  it  was  that  old  Popham  got  rich. 

Though  I've  heard  him  impress  on  his  child. 
That  he  reached  this  desirable  niche 

Because  a  kind  Providence  smiled. 
When  he  told  how  he  'scaped  Wall  Street  rocks. 

You'd  have  thought,  by  allusions  he  made, 
That  Providence  dabbled  in  Stocks, 

And  had  been  his  co-partner  in  trade. 

Now  Popham  conversed  with  his  wife ; 

He  said,  we  have  money  in  store. 
Enough  for  a  front  seat  in  life — 

Let  us  knock  at  Fifth  Avenue's  door. 


POPHAM  BUILDS  FOR  THE  LORD.  353 

So  he  built  him  a  mansion  up  town- 
It  fronted  on  iladisou  Square — 

And  he  furnished  it  up  stairs  and  down 
With  all  that  was  dainty  and  rare ; 

And  Fifth  Avenoodledum's  crown 
Was  the  meed  of  the  millionaire. 

Next,  Popham  dove  down  in  his  pelf— 

This  dive  all  the  papers  record— 
And  he  said,  having  built  for  myself, 

I  will  now  build  a  house  for  the  Lord. 
Thus  designing,  he  looked  up  designs, 

And  an  architect,  famed  for  good  taste, 
Drew  a  maze  of  bewildering  lines — 

All  said  the  conception  was  chaste ; 
Then  the  masons  and  carpenters  came, 

And  the  church  like  a  gossip's  tale  grew; 
Its  steeple  put  shot-towers  to  shame. 

And  the  nave— a  wag  said  it  had  two—      • 
Was  blazoned  with  Pophammer's  name, 
And  his  was  the  principal  pew. 
'    This  pew  was  a  marvel ;  they  spread 
Soft  cushions  for  Pophammer's  seat, 
A  pillowed  recess  for  his  head, 
A  velveted  rest  for  his  feet ; 
Rich  Brussels  to  cushion  his  tread — 
And  the  mansion  of  God  was  complete. 

Dedication,  of  course,  followed  next, 

IJy  the  Reverend  Richman  Picjoyce: 
I  do  not  remember  his  text — 

Though  I  mind  me  his  beautiful  voice — 
But  one  of  those  sinners  that  carp 

At  displays  which  they  cannot  afford, 
Said  he  played  on  a  thousand-stringed  harp, 

And  that  this  was  its  principal  chord ; 
When  you  rob  from  the  i)Oor,  if  you're  sharp, 

You  will  give — say  a  tenth — to  the  Lord. 
Yet  two  gourmands,  who  came  rather  late, 

Of  the  sermon  said,  "  Well  done,"  and  "  rare," 
And  the  minister  ended  elate. 

With  a  brief  and  appropriate  prayer, 
For  a  blessing  on  Ciirucii  and  on  Statk, 

And  on  Popham,  the  millionaire. 

Then  Popham  lookcil  over  the  board, 
Devising  a  move  that  was  sure 
23 


354  rOPUAM  BUILDS  FOR  TUE  POOR. 

To  fill  this  last  breach  in  his  hoard, 

While  he  said  to  his  soul,  as  a  lure, 
1  have  built  for  myself  and  the  Lord — 

1  will  now  build  a  house  for  the  Poor: 
And  since  mansions  and  manses  don't  pay, 

But  rather  decrease  one's  "per  cents," 
I  will  build  in  a  very  cheap  way, 

And  I'll  gather  large  quarterly  rents. 

Thus  the  moneyed  man  reaps  what  the  penniless  sow- 
May  the  Harvest  at  last  bring  atoning. 

Tims  two  palaces'  glow  begot  Tenement  Eow, 
And  the  widows'  and  orphans'  late  moaning — 

For  churches  must  grow,  though  bitter  tears  flow, 
And  the  Poor  in  their  need  be  groaning. 

lie  advertised  next  for  designs; 

The  Architect  came  with  his  plan, 
And  they  traced  out  the  meshes  and  lines 

Of  the  net  they  were  spreading  for  man. 

If  the  carpenter  chose  he  could  tell. 

As  he  drove  in  the  finishing  nail. 
How  the  blow,  as  it  echoing  fell. 

Rang  through  the  low  hall  like  a  wail ; 
The  mason  could  tell,  if  he  chose. 

Of  the  blood  accidentally  spilt. 
Which  spattered  the  walls  as  they  rose. 

And  reddened  the  mortar  with  guilt. 
But  they  hurried  the  work  to  its  close. 

And  the  Tenement-house  was  built. 

In  a  narrow  and  dim-lighted  street. 

Where  the  light  of  God's  sun  never  beams, 
Where  the  tenement  lodger  is  blest 

If  haply  he  sees  it  in  dreams  ; 
Where  the  pavements  are  reeking  with  filth. 

And  the  sewers  pour  their  pestilent  breath,  , 
Where  Fever  and  Famine  link  hands. 

And  Disease  holds  a  revel  with  Death; 
In  the  midst  of  this  rottenhig  reek. 

Where  a  prayer  would  have  taint  like  a  curse, 
The  millionaire  built  for  the  Poor, 

That  dollars  might  come  to  his  purse ; 
That  servants  miglit  wait  on  his  chair. 

That  a  preacher  might  purr  in  his  face; 
That  his  wife  might  be  rustling  in  silk. 


A  NIGHT  SCENE. 


THE  HOUSE  FOR  THE  TOOR  CATCHES  FIRE.  355 

And  his  daughters  float  lightly  in  lace. 
Oh,  think  of  tliis,  daughters  and  wives, 

As  your  carriage  through  fair  Broadway  rolls. 
That  your  splendor  is  purchased  by  lives  ; 

That  your  horses'  feet  trample  on  souls 

Shall  I  tell  of  the  tenement-house? 

Of  the  human  forms  packed  in  its  walls, 
"With  scarcely  the  space  for  their  lungs 

Allotted  to  beasts  in  their  stalls  ? 
Shall  I  tell  of  the  rottening  beams. 

Of  the  stairway  which  rocked  with  your  tread. 
Of  the  floor  which  was  crumbling  below, 

And  the  slime-dropping  walls  overhead? 
Shall  I  tell  th;it  the  foulness  without 

Was  pure  to  the  foulness  within. 
Of  the  harvest  that  Death's  sickle  reaps 

When  Poverty  crouches  with  Sin  ? 

But  little  the  millionaire  recked 

Of  the  lives  or  the  souls  that  were  lost, 
For  Rotten-row  paid  like  a  mine, 

And  the  yearly  rcut  douljled  its  cost. 

In  the  hush  of  a  still  Sabbath  night, 

While  thousands  were  kneeling  in  prayer, 
The  Fire-fiend  escaped  from  his  thrall 

And  waved  his  red  torches  in  air ; 
The  churches  and  mansions  up-town 
Were  lit  by  the  horrible  glare. 
The  brazen-lipped  bell  cried  "  alarm," 

Till  it  shook  a  grave,  dignified  spire, 
And  rudely  broke  Pophammer's  nap — 

The  Tknkmk.nt  Hoi:se  was  on  fire. 
Lithe  flames  climbed  the  kindle-wood  stair. 

And  danced  in  their  glee  on  the  roof — 
Pophamnicr  had  furnished  a  loom, 

And  now  Hell  wove  the  warp  and  the  woof! 
There  were  mothers  with  babes  at    the   breast, 

There  were  mothers  with  })al)es  in  their  arms. 
And  their  shrieks  reached  tiie  planets  above — 

What  need  of  all  other  alarms  ? 
The  wife  called  on  husband  to  save. 

And  stretched  out  her  arms  for  his  aid. 
Poor  hearts  !  as  well  call  from  the  grave — 

So  deftly  the  trap  had  been  laid ; 
Yet  their  cries  drowned  the  clanging  bells'  din 


356         THE  POOR  BURN  WITH  THE  HOUSE. 

Till  the  greedy  flames  licked  up  their  fill, 
And  the  smoldering  rafters  fell  in — 

Then  all  of  the  shriekings  were  still. 
Unsightly  remains  of  charred  flesh 

Were  found  in  the  i-ubbish  below, 
Chaotic  in  mass  and  in  name — 

You  would  scarce  their  humanity  know — 
And  the  Coroner  rendered  their  death 

As  "  Tenants  of  Tenement  Row  !" 

,  I  dreamt  on  that  horrible  night 

I  had  seen  a  Druidical  feast  : 
That  I  stood  in  the  burning  pyre's  light, 

And  that  Popham  had  been  the  High  Priest ! 

0  !  Popham,  and  millionaires  all 

Who  dwell  in  your  mansions  up-town, 
Say,  how  will  you  answer  for  this 

When  the  liglitnings  of  God  come  down  ? 
Will  ye  hide  in  your  soft-cushioned  pews 

When  the  flame  through  your  palace  hall  rolls. 
When  the  spires  'neath  whose  shadow  ye  pray 

Shall  fall  like  dead  weights  on  your  souls  ? 
When  the  patience  of  Heaven  shall  tire, 

And  the  Sun  shall  be  loosed  from  his  path 
To  kindle  this  Tenement  World, 

Will  a  just  God  spare  ye  in  His  wrath  ? 


CHAPTEE  XLIX. 

ANOTHER   RUN   OVER   TO   BOSTON,    AND    AN    INTERVIEW    WITH    A 
YOUNG   WOIVLiVN    WHO    HAS   VIEWS. 

WHAT  a  thing  learning  is,  to  be  sure  !  Let  the  yeoman 
sing  of  the  pleasures  fonnd  in  woods  and  fields  and 
having  the  cows  get  in  to  his  corn ;  let  the  voluptuary  get 
up  in  the  afternoon  and  sit  down  with  torj)id  liver  and  a 
head  as  big  as  a  bushel  basket  to  tell  you  of  the  pleasures 
which  gratification  of  the  senses  brings ;  let  the  miser  jingle 
his  greenbacks  and  claim  that  real  happiness  is  to  be  found 
only  in  the  possession  of  solid  wealth;  let  the  female  cru- 
sader paint  in  brilliant  water  colors  the  ecstatic  joy  of  kneel- 
ing down  on  the  soggy  floor  of  a  bar-room  to  address  a  Throne 
which  might  be  reached  quite  as  easily  from  the  comparative 
elevation  of  a  cleanly  closet — /  claim  that  there  is  nothing 
half  so  sweet  in  life  as  holding  social  converse  in  several  dif- 
ferent languages  with  any  Bostonian  wliom  you  may  find  not 
gone  liome  to  dinner  between  the  hours  of  eleven  and  three 
on  any  day  of  tlie  week. 

To  be  gone  home  to  dinner  at  the  exact  time  when  busi- 
ness men  of  other  parts  of  the  world  are  to  be  found  at  their 
]>laces  of  business  seems  a  peculiarity  of  the  New  Englandcr, 
and  one  never  bef(;re  commented  upon,  to  my  knowledge, 
in  any  book  of  natural  history.  Go  to  New  Haven,  llart- 
iord,  Northampton,  Swampscot,  Portland,  Newton,  West 
Newton,  Newton  Center,  Nantucket,  Boston — travel  a  thou- 
sand miles  to  see  a  man  on  business,  and  tlio  chances  are  that 
on  getting  to  his  store  you  find  it  locked  up;  and  a   woman 

357 


358  I  SING  OF  SEVEN-UP. 

across  tlie  way,  feeding  chickens,  with  a  broom  in  her  hand 
and  a  white  handkerchief  tied  round  her  head,  will  inform 
you  that  he  is  "gone  home  to  dinner." 

It  has  always  been  the  fondest  ambition  of  my  heart  to 
meet  Emerson — not  on  the  lecture  j^latform,  where  it  costs  a 
dollar  to  stand  up  on  a  back  seat  and  you  can  only  hear  half 
he  says  and  not  understand  that ;  not  in  the  gilded  halls  of 
fashion  where  his  mind  is  given  to  the  frivolities  of  the  hour, 
the  gay  dissipation  of  tlie  moment,  but  in  the  solitude  of  his 
study,  surrounded  liy  books  of  reference,  files  of  The 
Great  Moral  Organ,  and  new  decks  of  cards,  where  I 
could  ask  him  in  sacred  confidence  if  he  considered  it 
consistent  with  the  duty  -vvhich  one  man  owes  to  his  fel- 
low, irrespective  of  any  selfish  considerations  of  personal 
interest,  for  a  man  engaged  in  a  friendly  game  of  Old 
Sledge — no  matter  what  he  is  playing  for — to  beg  when 
holding  king  for  high,  four  for  low,  and  a  ten-s])ot,  having,  as 
you  see,  an  excellent  show  for  making  game,  to  say  nothing 
of  the  chance  of  catching  the  dealer's  Jacob  at  the  first  swing. 
It  has  been  said,  and  with  some  show  of  authority,  that  Mr. 
Emerson  knows  nothing  of  the  beauties  of  seven-up,  but  it  is 
useless  for  any  one  to  attempt  to  persuade  me  that  he  who 
wrote : — 

"  Not  from  a  scant  or  shallow  pack 
Young  Phidias  turned  his  awful  Jack," 

is  ignorant  of  the  intricacies  of  that  majestic  game. 

Unfortunately  I  did  not  see  the  Philosopher.  In  a 
former  visit  to  Boston  I  attempted  to  get  a  private  inter- 
view Math  him,  as  you  perhaps  remember,  but  only  succeeded  in 
seeing  him  across  a  lunch  table,  and  this  time  I  unfortunately 
did  not  see  him  at  all.  But  I  met  a  young  lady  on  the  Com- 
mon with  whom  I  whiled  away  an  hour  or  two  in  pleasant 
discourse. 

It  was  while  returning  from  the  burnt  district,  and  my  mind 
was  filled  with  what  I  had  seen. 

"  Boston  is  building  up  quite  lively,"  I  remarked. 


NOT  OF  CAMBRIDGE.  359 

*  Yes,  sir,"  she  replied,  "  when  the  Imman  mind  pauses 
for  a  moment  in  its  wild  but  vain  pursuit  of  the  Indefinite 
and  Inscrutable,  and  contemplates  the  abruptness  of  the 
catastrophe  which  befell  the  world,  turning  then  to  the  rapid 
redintegration — " 

"  Pardon,  Madam,  I  don't  speak  French,"  I  explained  right 
here.  I  called  her  Madam,  you  will  observe,  in  compliment 
to  her  learning, 

"  I  thought  you  were  of  Cambridge,"  she  replied,  looking 
at  me  with  a  pitying  eye,  "  but  now  I  see  by  your  boots  that 
you  come  from  Princeton.     And  how  is  Dr.  McCosh?" 

When  1  confessed  that  I  only  graduated  at  Gowanus,  and 
was  then  on  my  way  to  Ilyannis,  having  only  stopped  over 
one  train  in  Boston  to  sip  of  the  honey  of  Ilymettus  and 
improve  my  mind  a  little,  a  glad  gleam  shone  in  her  blue 
spectacles — I  mean  in  her  blue  eyes — and  she  said : — 

"  Oh,  I'm  so  glad.  It  is  nice  to  talk  with  common  people 
once  and  awhile.     How  are  things  down  your  way?  " 

"  Pretty  well,  I  thank  you,"  I  made  answer,  as  politely  as 
possible — for  I  had  rather  die  any  time  than  have  it  sup- 
posed that  I  do  not  know  what  good  manners  are  when 
away  from  home — and  then  the  conversation  became  general. 
In  the  course  of  it,  this  bonnie  Boston  lass  tapped  the  toe  of 
her  number  ten  cocpiettishly  with  the  point  of  her  green 
gingham  umbrella  and  asked  me  what  folks  said  in  my  parts, 
of  the  suit  brought  by  James  II.  Banker,  plaintiff,  agt.  the 
Lake  Shore  and  ^lichigan  Southern  Ilailway  Company, 
George  B.  Grinnell,  George  Bird  (irinnell,  and  Joseph  C. 
Williams,  Augustus  Schell,  and  Mai-ia  L.  Clark  as  executrix, 
and  Augustus  Schell  as  executor  of  Horace  F.  Clark, 
deceased,  defendants. 

To  my  utter  humiliation  I  was  obliged  to  confess  that  I 
had  not  even  heard  of  it. 

"  Oh,"  said  she,  "you  don't  read  the  supplements  of  the 
Great  Moral  Ortjaii  then?  They  print  all  the  best  reading 
of  the  day  in  the  supplements  now.  That's  what  sujtple- 
ments  are  for;  no  one  wants  to  be  bothered  carrying  eight 


360  SUPPLEMENTARY. 

pages  of  news  and  editorials  around,  and  this  gives  them  a 
chance  to  just  throw  away  the  body  of  the  paper  and  then 
sit  down  all  by  themselves  and  have  a  good  time  over  the 
supplement." 

This  was  comforting  to  me,  for  I  have  remarked  that  my 
contributions  to  the  i)eriodical  literature  of  the  day  gener- 
ally occupy  a  prominent  place  in  the  half-sheets.  And,  iind- 
ing  that  this  young  lady  knew  more  about  most  things  than 
I  did,  I  besought  her  to  go  on  and  tell  me  what  she  thought 
of  the  suit  brought  by  James  H.  Banker,  plaintiff,  agt.  the 
Lake  Shore  and  Michigan  Southern  Railway  Company, 
George  B.  Grinnell,  George  Bird  Grinnell,  and  Joseph  C. 
Williams,  Augustus  Scliell,  and  Maria  L.  Clark  as  executrix 
and  Augustus  Schell  as  executor  of  Horace  F.  Clark,  deceased, 
defendants. 

"  I  will  tell  you,"  she  said,  "  in  as  few  words  as  possible, 
what  I  think  of  the  suit  brought  by  James  H.  Banker,  plain- 
tiff, against  the  Lake  Shore  and  Michigan  Southern  Railway 
Company,  George  B.  Grinnell,  George  Bird  Grinnell,  and 
Joseph  C.  Williams,  Augustus  Schell,  and  Maria  L.  Clark  as 
executrix,  and  Augustus  Schell  as  executor,  of  Horace  F. 
Clark,  deceased,  defendants." 

Then  we  both  sat  down  on  a  stone  for  a  moment,  to  take 
breath. 

"I'll  tell  you,"  she  again  began,  "just  what  I  think  about 
the  suit  brought  by  James  H.  Banker,  plaintiff,  against 
the " 

"  Oh,  never  mind  the  rest  of  it,"  I  interrupted ;  "  say  da 
ca])o^  and  go  on." 

"  Yuur  suggestion  is  a  good  one,"  she  remarked,  thought 
fully ;  "  we  young  ladies  of  Boston  are  educated   upon   a 
strictly  utilitarian  plan.     I  remember  at  the  seminary,  when 
singing — 

♦  Douglass,  Douglass,  tender  and  true  I  * 
the  teacher  always  made  us  sing  it — 

'  Douglass  da  capo,  tender  and  true  j ' 


CLARKLY  DUTIES.  3(31 

and  so  with  all  other  refrains  of  the  kind.     It  was  much 
better,  she  said,  than  senseless  reiteration. 

"  "Well,  as  I  was  about  to  observe,  I  notice  that  in  the  out- 
set of  his  complaint  Mr.  Banker  sets  forth  that  the  deceased 
Horace  F.  Clark  '  was  in  his  lifetime  a  lawyer  of  signal  abil- 
ity and  a  man  of  large  weahh,  and  of  remarkable  executive 
capacity  as  a  railroad  manager  and  director,  exhibited  and 
proved  in  many  railroad  enterprises  in  which  he  was  inter- 
ested. For  several  years,  and  up  to  his  death  he  was  a 
director  in,  and  one  of  the  executive  committee  having  man- 
airement  of  the  New  York  Central  and  Hudson  River  Rail- 
road  Company,  and  was  also  president  of  the  Union  Pacific 
Hailroad  Company,  and  president  of  the  Lake  Shore  and 
Michigan  Southern  Railway  Company,  the  defendant  corpor- 
ation, the  three  roads  commanding,  with  a  single  break,  a 
continuous  railroad  route  from  New  York  to  California.' 

"  Now,  it  is  not  my  purpose  to  war  upon  the  dead,  but  if 
the  dead  lie  in  the  way  of  my  duty  to  the  living,  what  am  I 
to  do  about  it  ?  ^Vliy,  treat  them  as  tenderly  as  possible, 
but  tread  along  for  all  that.  I  can't  get  at  the  point  I  wash 
to  reach  if  I  have  to  dodge  the  dead  at  every  turn,  and  there 
are  some  things  one  can't  jump  over. 

"Plainly,  then,  this  representative  railroad  officer,  some 
two  years  since,  Miien  Lake  Shore  Railway  stock  Avas  selling 
at  par  in  the  open  inarket,  sold  fifteen  millions  to  stockhold- 
ers for  $5,000,000 ;  that  is  to  say,  created  an  indebtedness 
against  the  road  to  that  amount,  an  indebtedness  which  did 
not  exist,  and  called  it  a  dividend  of  surplus.  A  few  months 
subsequently  he  l)onded  the  road  for  $6,000,000,  to  raise 
necessary  moneys  say  some,  to  pay  the  regular  dividends 
witli,  say  others.  H  any  man  should  manage  his  private 
business  in  this  fashion,  tlie  law  would  step  in,  on  the  aj^pli- 
cation  of  relatives,  and  appoint  a  guardian  for  liitii.  Yet 
this  lawyer  of  signal  ability  and  man  of  large  wealth  and  of 
remarkable  executive  capacity  as  a  railroad  manager  and 
director, — '  exhiljited  and  ])roved'  in  this  instance — intrusted 
with  millions  of  other  men's  money,  goes  on  with  the  admin- 


362  "  FOR  THE  INTERESTS  OF  A  ROAD." 

istration  of  great  interests,  his  reputation  as  a  financier  bet- 
tered ratlier  than  injured  by  this  remarkable  exhibition  of 
sagacious  enterprise.  As  I  understand  it,  when  the  stock 
dividend  of  fifteen  millions  was  made,  on  which  only  33^ 
per  cent,  was  called  up,  Clark  and  his  friends  were  owning 
nearly  all  the  stock  of  the  Lake  Shore  Eoad.  They  had 
bought  it  all  up,  and  it  was  in  order  to  enable  them  to  get 
out  of  it  at  a  profit  that  the  stock  dividend  was  made.  I 
could  never  see  the  difference  between  Gould's  and  Fisk's 
robbing  Erie  of  money  direct  from  the  Treasury,  and  Clark's 
dividing  up  created  stock  among  himself  and  his  friends,  and 
then  selling  it  for  money.  But  the  Chicago  fire  came,  you 
remember,  and  a  good  deal  of  the  Lake  Shore  stock  went 
out  of  the  hands  it  was  in — in  consequence  of  the  panic  that 
ensued — when  the  dividend  was  made. 

"  So  much  for  one  plain  fact.     Now,  further  we  are  told : — 

'"Mr.  Clark,  with  the  consent  of  the  directors,  had  almost  entire  control  of 
the  management  of  the  road,  consulting  from  time  to  time  upon  questions  of 
doubt  with  Mr.  Schell  and  this  plaintiff,  who,  as  an  executive  committee,  were 
ad  interim  vested  with  all  the  powers  of  the  board  of  directors,  but  in  all  mat- 
ters where  Mr.  Clark  deemed  it  for  the  interests  of  the  road,  he  acted  upon  his 
own  responsibility  in  behalf  of  the  road,  entering  into  contracts  with  other  roads, 
purchasing  whatever  was  required  of  lands,  buildings,  rolling  stock,  etc.,  buying 
stocks  of  other  railroads  and  corporations  whose  control  was  deemed  necessary 
as  aids  or  feeders  to  the  Lake  Shore  Road  (as  the  Lake  Shore  and  Michigan 
Southern  Railway  Company  will  hereinafter  in  this  complaint  be  for  convenience 
called),  and  doing  whatever  else  he  deemed  for  the  largest  interest  of  the  Lake 
Shore  Road,  and  in  this  he  was  sustained  and  indorsed  and  his  acts  approved  by 
the  board  of  directors  of  the  company.' 

"  There  you  have  a  key  to  the  position  of  nearly  every 
railroad  whose  stock  is  on  the  market.  Nominally  controlled 
by  a  board  of  directors,  who  are  supposed  to  represent  the 
interests  of  stockholders  at  large,  it  is  really  run  by  one  man 
alone,  and  the  'directors'  are  dummies,  too  wooden  even  to 
be  sensible  of  the  degradation  of  the  position  which  they 
accept.  For  Mr.  Banker  makes  this  confession  without  a 
blush — so  far  as  the  paper  shows. 

"  Who  owns  these  railroads  ?  The  president  ?  No.  The 
directors?     No.     Not  even  the  ties  whereon  the  rails  are 


SPECULATIVE  ACCOUNTS.  363 

laid !  The  roads  are  owned  by  fools  and  speculators — the 
"words  are  convertible  and  interchangeable — the  country  over. 
And  instead  of  being  run  in  the  interests  of  the  sections 
through  which  they  pass,  or  even  of  the  owners  of  the  stock, 
they  are  run  simply  and  solely  in  the  speculative  interests 
of  president  and  directors,  with  a  view  to  Wall  Street  com- 
binations. 

"  One  speculative  acconnt  has  been  made  public  in  the 
complaint  to  which  I  refer.  It  has  long  been  known  by 
those  behind  the  scenes  that  in  these  Wall  Street  accounts, 
manipulated  by  presidents  and  directors,  when  a  purchase  of 
stock  turns  out  favorably,  it  is  found  to  be  an  individual  ven- 
ture ;  when  the  contrary  is  the  case,  it  is  decided  that  the 
operation  was  undertaken  on  behalf  of  'the  road' — for  its 
'  credit  or  advantage.' 

"Horace  F.  Clark,  as  a  representative  of  the  Yanderbilt 
power,  had  the  reputation  on  all  sides  of  being  at  least  hon- 
est in  his  intentions,  'square'  toward  stockholders  in  his  pol- 
icy. In  the  light  of  these  Lake  Shore  I'evelations,  what  are 
we  to  look  for  when  the  party  walls  come  down  of  Kock 
Island,  Milwaukee  and  St.  Paul,  North-west,  Wabash,  of  a 
dozen  roads,  more  or  less,  which  are  notoriously  run  under 
presidencies  and  directories  made  up  of  men  not  one  of  whom 
but  would  feel  himself  complimented  to  be  called  simply 
tricky — what  are  we  to  look  for,  I  say,  when  these  party 
walls  come  down  and  the  insides  are  made  visible  ? 

"  Chicago,  Burlington  and  Quincj',  Hannibal  and  St.  Jo- 
seph, Michigan  Central,  these  steady  stocks  were  managed 
by  solid  and  respectable  business  men  of  my  own  Boston — 
men  who  wore  white  cravats  and  never  stole  a  cent  in  their 
lives  without  invoking  a  blessing  on  the  investment ;  men  at 
whom  the  finger  of  suspicion  never  pointed — but  they  gutted 
the  cheeses  they  sat  on  and  left  mere  shells  for  the  rats  who 
came  after.  What  tlicn  may  we  expect  to  lind  when  the 
bones  over  which  known  liyenas  have  been  snarling  and  rav- 
ening and  polishing  their  teeth  for  years,  come  to  be  exposed 
to  puljlic  view  ? 


364  THE  BOSTON  GIRL  SWEARS. 

"  For  a  few  instances  in  point : — Rock  Island  stock  is  called 
one  of  the  best  securities  in  market.  There  is  a  tradition, 
built  upon  regularly  recurring  annual  reports,  that  the  lands 
of  the  company  alone  would  pay  off  its  bonded  debt  if  sold  ; 
that  the  cash  on  hand — never  less  than  $-1,000,000 — would 
at  any  time  pay  a  dividend  of  from  25  to  40  per  cent,  if 
divided  among  the  stockholders  ;  for  years  this  great  dividend 
has  been  expected,  and  at  regular  intervals,  when  all  other 
means  fail  to  stimulate  the  market,  this  dividend  is  talked 
about.  Yet  every  now  and  again  more  stock  is  issued  and 
sold  to  meet  the  needs  of  the  road,  little  by  little  (that  is  by 
millions  and  millions)  the  capital  stock  has  been  more  than 
doubled,  and  what  the  actual  position  of  the  road  is,  what 
the  real  value  of  the  stock  may  be,  only  the  President  and 
the  devil  could  at  this  moment  tell — and  I  doubt  not  that  if  you 
called  upon  one  for  information  lie  would  refer  you  to  the 
other." 

Having  an  idea  just  here  that  the  Boston  girl  was  growing 
profane,  and  tliat  the  Great  Moral  Orcjan  would  not  print 
the  exact  language  which  I  was  at  such  pains  to  preserve  in 
order  to  reproduce,  I  said  : — 

"  Easy,  sister,  over  the  asphaltum."  She  took  the  admo- 
nition kindly,  and,  after  wiping  her  blushing  brow  with  a  blue 
bandanna  handkerchief,  went  on: — 

"  Then  there's  the  '  North-west,' — under  the  same  manage- 
ment, and  look  at  its  condition.  Oh,  Jerusalem  ?  But  for  a 
nice  nosegay,  take  a  sniff  at  the  Milwaukee  and  St.  Paul. 
There's  a  savor  of  Sage  and  onions  for  you,  there's — " 

Again  I  checked  the  young  lady,  for  it  was  plain,  even  to 
my  inexperienced  gaze,  that  she  was  becoming  personal. 

"Well,"  she  resumed,  "count  them  all,  anyway  you 
choose,  up  or  doM-n,  backwards  and  forwards,  or  all  around 
the  pot,  and  they  count  just  the  same — a  thief's  dozen  any 
way.  Every  scalawag  of  them  has  had  both  hands  in  the 
treasuries  of  their  respective  companies  for  j'cars,  and  if  you 
turned  round  to  ask  them  what  they  were  doing  they'd  set 
up  a  howl : — '  There's  Erie,  look  at  naughty  Jim  Fisk  and  that 


A  PROPHECY.  365 

Jay  Gould.  They're  running  away  with  something.  Stop 
'em  I'  And  then  while  the  press  and  the  public  went  in 
yelling  pursuit  of  the  fat  man  and  the  little  man  with  '  Stop 
thief ! '  these  virtuous  gentleuien  improved  the  opportunity 
by  resting  their  hands  for  a  spell  and  tilling  their  pockets 
with  a  scoop  shovel, 

"  Look  at  the  presidents  and  directors  of  these  railroads. 
Half  of  them  so  fat  they  can  hardly  waddle,  and  the  rest  of 
them  lean  w^ith  trying  to  lug  off  more  of  other  people's 
money  than  they  can  boost  up  on  their  backs.  How  do  you 
suppose  these  presidents  and  directors  get  to  be  the  million- 
aires of  the  period  ?  Certainly  they  don't  save  a  million 
dollars  a  year  out  of  their  salaries,  and  Congress  doesn't  vote 
thetn  any  more  money  than  it  does  you  or  me.  Yet  they're 
all  so  rich  they  can't  rest  nights  for  thinking  about  it ! 

"Folks  call  that  little  affair  last  fall,  a  panic  !  Look  here, 
my  friend  from  Gowanus,  just  you  run  over  that  stock  list 
at  the  Parker  House  and  you'll  find  about  $400,000,000  of 
stuff  quoted  at  prices  ranging  from  If  to  Tl  that  pays  no 
dividends,  much  that  never  has  paid  one,  and  more  that 
never  will  pay  one ;  stock  that  is  not  worth  the  paper  it  is 
written  on,  for  were  the  roads  it  represents  put  under  the 
liaminer  any  day  they  M'ould  not  begin  to  bring  the  amount 
of  their  bonded  indebtedness.  Yet  some  one  is  carrying 
this  stuff  at  these  fictitious  prices  all  the  while;  it  has  been 
carried  for  years.  And  to  carry  it,  some  one  pays  all  the 
while  from  seven  per  cent,  per  aimum  to  two  per  cent,  j^er  day. 
Some  day  this  will  all  have  an  end ,  the  load  that  has  been 
piling  up  for  tea  years  past  will  get  to  be  too  heavy  and 
a  general  dumping  will  begin.  A  big  hole's  bad  enough, 
but  when  tlic  bottom  falls  clean  out  where  arc  vou  ?  Talk 
of  the  Mow  prices' of  the  last  'panic' — in  the  red  d'lCH  iroi 
that  will  sometime  dawn  they'll  be  recalled  and  referred  to 
as  higli  figures.  You  won't  liavc  a  proper  realizing  sense  of 
what  low  prices  are  till  you  see  a  dozen  or  so  of  these  roads 
go  into  the  liands  of  bondholders,  and  '  Ichabod  '  wiitten 
throughout  Wall  Street,  with  no  '  llesurgam '  traced  above  the 
graves  of  fancies. 


366  SHE  GOES  SUDDENLY. 

"  Oh,  it  does  make  me  so  mad  to  see  these  fools  just  play- 
ing into  the  hands  of  these  railway  robbers,  and  being  ruined 
and  ground  up  and  stamped  down,  with  never  a  word  in  the 
management  of  their  own  properties,  when  they  might  just 
as  well  set  to  work  in  a  quiet  way,  and  mildly  but  firmly, 
and  without  any  show  of  pomp  or  ostentation,  hang — 

"  By  the  great  horned  spoons  ! "  she  interrupted  herself, 
"  there's  a  meeting  of  the  Kadical  Club  to-night,  and  I've  got 
to  demonstrate  the  right  of  a  man  to  marry  against  the 
wishes  of  his  female  relatives !     Ta-ta." 

And  Avith  this  girlish  good-bye,  and  a  wave  of  lier  green 
umbrella,  this  childish  creature  of  thirty-seven  summers  was 
gone  before  I  could  ask  her  what  she  thought  of  vivisection. 
Gone  like  a  dream,  or  a  greenback,  or  anything  else  which  is 
beautiful  but  unreal,  she  was,  before  I  could  even  ask  her 
how  she  cooked  beans.  But  we  can  act  on  her  gentle  sug- 
gestion, and  go  on  and  hang  people  just  the  same. 

And  in  writing  this  for  my  Great  Moral  Organ  I  contrived 
to  date  a  month  ahead,  so  that  it  was  only  a  week  old 
by  the  time  it  gat  into  a  supplement.  And  in  preparing 
this  for  my  book,  I  have  contrived  to  slip  in  a  few  stanzas. 

ON  THE  REOPENING  OF  A  TRUST  COMPANY. 

.    Break,  break,  break, 
On  thy  Old  Lake  Shore  T.  C, 
Then  resume  and  take  down  thy  shutter^ 
But  none,  if  you  please,  for  me. 

Oh  well  for  the  Orphan  Boy 
That  they  shell  out  the  swag  to-day  ! 
Oh  well  for  the  Lady  in  Black, 
That  again  they've  concluded  to  pay ! 

And  the  wise  old  noodles  go  on. 
Discounting  most  any  one's  bill, — 
And  it  may  be  the  touch  of  a  varnislied  liand 
Is  busy  again  at  the  till ! 

Break,  break,  break. 

And  be  tinkered  next  day,  U.  T.  C, 

But  the  bouquet  wliich  clings  to  a  dog  that  was  dead. 

Is  not  aromatic  to  me ! 


CHAPTEK  L. 

FROM   NEW   YORK   TO    SAN   FRANCISCO   VIA   NICARAGUA. 

REGKETS  are  natural  enongli  when  one  leaves  the  land 
of  his  birth,  but  when  the  prow  of  his  ship  is  pointed 
westward  the  traveler  has  few.  It  is  pleasant  to  leave  graves 
behind  us,  and  the  Eastern  shores  are  full  of  them.  On  the 
whole  Atlantic  coast  you  will  scarcely  find  a  square  foot  of 
ground  that  is  not  scarred  and  seamed  with  the  sexton's 
spade.  Leaving  the  coast  and  journeying  back  where  the 
great  prairies  toss  their  billows  of  green  against  the  sky,  the 
atmosphere  is  better;  but  even  there  dead  sachems  have 
filed  preemption  burial  mounds.  In  the  great  metropolises 
and  seaport  towns  of  the  older  States,  graves  are  too  com- 
mon to  be  held  sacred,  and  pious  trustees,  selling  their 
churches,  sell  with  them  the  coffins  wherein  moulders  the 
dust  of  their  fathers. 

The  sailing  of  a  steamship  is  always  an  event  of  interest, 
even  in  that  city  where  such  occurrences  are  diurnal.  None 
iro  forth  so  liumble  as  not  to  leave  some  friends  behind  tlicm 
— tearful  eyes  on  the  wharves  are  strained  to  catch  a  last 
glimpse  of  the  steerage  i)assenger,  as  well  as  of  him  who 
goes  in  the  cabin.  The  sailing  fi-om  New  York  of  the 
steamship  America,  on  Saturday,  the  lith  of  March,  1S03, 
was  an  event  of  double  interest.  It  marked  the  reopening 
of  an  old  route  under  new  auspices,  a  rontc  wliidi  always 
promised  to  become  a  favorite  lino  of  communication 
between  the  shores  of  the  sister  oceans,  hnt  whose  ])romiso 
had  always  been  nipped  in  tlie  bud  either  by  the  incompe- 

3G7 


368  SETTING  SAIL. 

tency  or  knavery  of  those  wlio  held  its  interests  in  charge. 
But  the  organization  of  a  new  company,  bade  ns  hope.  It 
was  an  experiment,  but  the  experiment  promised  success, 
and  all  embarked  their  lives  and  wives  and  baggage  upon  it 
hopefully. 

Our  passenger  list  was  made  up  mainly  of  those  who  are 
not  afraid  to  try  experiments — bold,  hardy  men,  and  stout, 
large-crinolined  women,  not  afraid  of  being  blown  out  of 
water  by  ordinary  gales.  Our  sailing  was  heralded  by  a 
press  and  crush  of  baggage  in  narrow  passages,  a  press  of 
coaches  on  the  wharves  such  as  is  seen  in  Irving  Place  on 
field-nights  of  the  oi)era,  and  a  mass  of  struggling  beings 
wedged  and  blent  into  each  other  as  they  rippled  over  gang- 
ways and  dashed  and  bubbled  and  foamed  up  through  com- 
panion-ways ;  there  were  leave-takings  and  hand-shakings ; 
last  farewells,  which  fond  and  moist  eyes  looked  to  each 
other ;  and  last  words  that  seemed  destined  to  have  no  end- 
ing ;  while  amid  all  this,  hackney  coachmen  stood  swearing, 
by  w^ay  of  assuaging  the  general  friction,  and  stout-shouldered 
porters  rushed  hither  and  thither  through  the  crowd,  in 
anxious  quest  of  those  whose  luggage  they  had  brought  on 
board  for  tacitly  implied  pecuniary  considerations. 

Between  the  moments  when  the  gang-planks  are  drawn  on 
board,  the  last  gong  sounded  and  the  engine  started,  there  is 
always  a  painful  interval.  Eyes  that  have  flung  out  brazen 
signals  of  defiance  to  all  the  tenderer  emotions  before,  now 
brim  with  tears,  and  men  turn  their  faces  seaward  that  their 
friends  on  sliore  may  not  know  that  their  hearts  are  wrung 
at  parting.  "Women  may  weep  unreprovedly,  but  it  is  held 
immanly  in  men.  At  last  the  arms  of  the  engine  are  loosened, 
and  steam  throbs  through  all  its  mighty  pulses  ;  with  a  slow, 
deliberate  motion  the  paddle  wdieels  smite  the  waves, 
and  out  among  the  Jersey  City  ferry-boats,  that  sideways 
dart  from  our  path  like  self-conscious  crabs,  the  America 
glides  with  that  air  of  superiority  invariably  assumed  by  the 
ship  or  man  of  greater  tonnage  or  broader  beam  than  his 
fellows.     No  larger  vessel  was  in  sight  and  our  pride  passed 


FIRST  OUT  AT  SEA.  369 

unchecked — for  the  moment  we  were  monarch  of  the  bay. 
There  was  a  frantic  emotion  of  cambric  on  shore — not  so 
much  cambric  either;  faintly  among  the  crowd  a  few 
white  handkerchiefs  fluttered  like  snowy-winged  doves. 
But  by  far  the  greater  part  of  the  tearful  multitude  waved 
red  bandanna  farewells.  There  is  little  of  romance  where 
there  is  a  scarcity  of  white  linen.  Not  the  least  of  the  evils 
entailed  by  the  closing  of  the  cotton  ports  was  that  friends 
could  not  flourish  you  a  last  God-speed  as  of  old.  Economy 
is  at  variance  with  decency.  The  last  objects  that  caught 
my  eyes  as  our  ship  slowly  glided  down  the  bay,  were  crim- 
son banners  of  questionable  cleanliness  and  texture,  waved 
by  the  unwashed  hands  of  men  whose  faces  were  polished  by 
the  sad  attrition  of  tears. 

The  world  of  a  ship  at  first  sailing  is  all  chaos.  The  steerage 
passenger  is  in  the  cabin  and  the  cabin  passenger  finds  him- 
self in  the  steerage.  But  by-and-by  these  things  right  them- 
selves. There  is  a  sure  and  speedy  sifting  of  the  conflicting 
elements  of  society.  Tickets  are  called  for  and  stations  are 
allotted ;  divisions  of  caste  and  of  mould  are  instituted ;  and 
bars  are  placed  between  the  different  grades  of  humanity, 
which  even  democracy's  self  cannot  overleap.  We  of  the 
first  cabin  are  the  nobles  of  the  deck,  representing,  so  to 
speak,  the  blue  blood  of  the  ship.  We  can  go  forward 
among  the  "  people "  who  play  unambitious  games  of 
seven-up,  with  greasy  packs  of  cards,  for  insignificant  antes, 
but  they  cannot  come  aft  to  us — though  they  were  our  peers 
on  the  pier  and  jostled  us  rudely  there  by  way  of  proving 
it.  It  is  easy,  you  know,  to  descend  into  Avcrnus  or  else- 
where, but  it  is  an  up-grade  or  gradem  for  those  who  wish 
to  ascend  and  are  unprovided  with  the  leverage  of  wealth  or 
the  open  sesame  of  genius.  When  we  wish  to  humauize  tlie 
masses  we  must  go  among  tliein — they  cannot  come  to  us. 
Lazarus  could  not  go  to  Dives,  even,  thougli  the  rich  man  sum- 
moned him — perhaps,  however,  ho  was  loth  to  leave  even  for 
a  moment  Abraham's  comfortable  bosom. 

A  few  passengers  were  found  who  had  neither  tickets  nor 
24       _•  -' 


370  WHY  THIS  BOOK  IS  ALL  IN  MY  I. 

their  equivalent  in  the  currency  of  the  realm.  These  would- 
he  passengers  were  hustled  over  the  ship's  side  into  a  small 
boat,  and  a  waiting  tug  ferried  them  to  the  shore — a  sad  but 
let  us  hope  not  fruitless  example  to  all  who  would  surrepti- 
tiously obtain  passage  to  either  Paradise  or  California.  The 
day  when  one  could  work  his  passage  to  either  place  has 
gone  by — works  alone  do  not  suffice  now  and  something  more 
than  faith  is  requisite. 

By  the  way,  one  word  of  apology  here,  which  should  per- 
haps have  been  spoken  earlier  in  the  book.  The  reader — I 
do  not  pluralize,  for  I  am  rather  uncertain  whether  or  not  I 
shall  secure  more  than  one  victim — must  pardon  me  for 
speaking  in  the  first  person  and  scattering  I's  over  the  head 
and  front  of  the  page  in  a  way  that  out-egos  Argus.  It 
must  be  remembered  that  the  experience  of  one  man  is  that 
of  many,  especially  in  a  voyage  of  this  kind,  and  that  I, 
though  speaking  individually,  am  in  reality  the  mouth-piece 
of  a  multitude.  Furthermore,  I  hold  it  a  popular  fallacy  to 
suppose  that  the  use  of  the  first  personal  pronoun  singular 
necessarily  savors  of  egotism.  No  man  has  a  right  to  speak 
for  others  unless  authorized  by  power  of  attorney.  When 
the  editor  or  the  king  says  "  We,"  he  assumes  to  be  the  peo- 
ple or  the  state — nay  more,  the  voice  of  the  people  is  pro- 
verbially said  to  be  the  voice  of  God.  And,  than  assuming 
to  interpret  the  divine  breath,  can  egotism  further  go  ? 

Some  of  our  passengers  may  have  been  home-sick  at  first 
sailing.  Certain  it  is  that  the  majority  of  them  were  sea-sick. 
Pale  distressed  faces  gazed  over  the  ship's  side,  patiently  and 
intently,  as  though  they  sought  for  shrimps  and  found  them 
not,  and  Ocean  gratefully  received  the  bread  cast  upon  his 
waters  by  those  who  looked  for  no  return.  In  this  trouble 
which  comes  upon  the  outward-bounder  we  may  recognize 
one  of  the  wise  provisions  of  nature — the  stomach  for  the 
moment  asserts  supremacy  over  the  heart,  and  fond  memo- 
ries and  home  associations  are  all  forgotten  in  the  consequent 
physical  discomfort  and  distress.  Wliether  or  not  the  rem- 
edy be  worse  than  the  disease,  I  cannot  pretend  to  determine, 


IN  THE  TROPICS.  371 

kaving  never  been  troubled  with  either,  Tnrnips  are  said 
to  be  a  sovereign  cure  for  these  unpleasant  sea  symptoms, 
and  surely  their  virtue  has  been  tested  to  the  full,  on  this 
voyage.  You  shall  see  a  gentle  girl,  who  looks  inadequate 
to  cope  successfully  with  any  vegetable  other  than  a  small 
Bweet-pea,  nibbling  away  at  a  huge  raw  turnip  as  though  she 
were  a  rabbit,  a  megatherium,  a  mastodon  or  some  other 
constitutional  vegetarian. 

We  make  summer  as  we  sail.  "War  and  winter  are  lost  in 
our  wake ;  ahead  of  us  the  tropics  stretch  out  their  lazy  lati- 
tudinal lines,  and  each  hour  we  seem  to  clasp  nearer  and 
nearer  to  our  arms  the  land  and  waters  of  calm  delights  and 
eternal  peace.  Our  passage  to  the  southward  has  been  like 
that  of  a  Christian  soul  to  Paradise.  Off  Cape  Hatteras  we 
found  our  purgatory,  but  the  probation  there  was  as  short  as 
the  seas,  and  a  few  hours  found  us  creeping  down  Carolinian 
coasts — emeticized  by  water,  if  not  purged  by  fire.  Winds 
came  to  us  as  fair  as  those  which  favored  the  pious  /"Eneas, 
when  he  turned  his  face  from  the  funeral  pyre  where  Dido 
lay  burning  to  follow  the  beck  of  imperial  Fortune ;  dexterous 
tars  loosed  our  scanty  canvas  from  the  yards,  where  it  was 
confined — cheerily  hauled  they  home  the  sheets — and  south- 
ward we  sailed  under  a  full  press  of  funnel  and  foresail. 

Apropos  of  the  funnel — though,  after  all,  it  is  rather  a 
remote  and  disconnected  part  and  parcel  of  the  machinery, 
it  is  a  very  favorite  amusement  of  mine  to  watch  the  machin- 
ery of  a  vessel  in  play,  or  rather  at  work — very  many  lessons 
of  life  may  be  learned  from  it.  The  patient  piston  rod  rep- 
resents the  "greasy  mechanic" — greasy,  but  upright  and 
useful ;  and  the  patience  with  which  it  slides  up  and  down  in 
its  oil-perspiring  grooves,  as  contentedly  as  though  it  were 
drawing  up  brimming  buckets  from  golden  wells;  the  noble 
perseverance  of  the  walking  beam,  toiling  with  the  great 
patience  of  Sisyphus  to  roll  its  eternal  burden  up  sonic  hypo- 
thetical hill,  not  discouraged,  though  its  revolutions  do  some- 
times go  backward — the  whole  machinery  lifting  others  across 
broad  oceans,  yet  never  asking  other  recognition  or  reward 


372  THE  LESSON  OF  THE  MACHINERY. 

for  its  labors  than  sufficient  food  and  attention  to  keep  the 
wheels  of  its  vitality  vigorously  whirring,  never  grumbling 
even  deep  down  in  its  boiler  depths  at  not  being  permitted 
the  privilege  of  taking  an  occasional  turn  or  two  about  deck 
by  way  of  diversion — as  an  example  of  patient  labor,  noble 
perseverance,  and  contented,  uncomplaining  abnegation  of 
self  and  devotion  to  the  interests  and  advancement  of  others, 
what  is  there  in  life  or  death  to  compare  with  the  steamship's 
engine  ? 

No  accident  has  happened  thus  far  on  the  voyage.  I  be- 
lieve we  ran  over  several  fish,  but  they  did  not  throw  us  off 
the  track ;  neither  did  they  cry  out  very  loudly.  Had  a  mer- 
maid been  disturbed,  I  fancy  we  would  have  heard  from  it ; 
for  a  woman,  even  if  half  fish,  could  not  bear  wrongs  in 
silence.  Whether  we  have  a  right  to  run  over  mermen's 
roofs  at  this  reckless  rate  of  speed  is  indeed  a  point  which 
only  the  judges  of  the  marine  court  can  rightly  decide. 
Whales  and  other  Daniel  Lamberts  of  the  deep  can  take  care 
of  themselves  well  enough,  but  a  grave  question  arises  — 
should  not  all  ocean  ships  be  compelled  to  ring  bells  and 
carry  fish-catchers  attached  to  their  prows  for  the  benefit  of 
aqueous  Tom  Thumbfins  and  their  spouses  ?  Extra  precau- 
tions should  be  taken  for  the  safety  of  these  little  creatures 
over  whom  we  ride  rough-keeled,  for  it  must  be  borne  in 
mind  that  in  addition  to  being  dumb,  fish  are  so  deaf  that 
they  cannot  even  hear  their  own  sounds. 

Of  the  calm  and  the  balm  of  these  tropics  the  unfortunate 
man  in  Maine  or  in  the  moon  can  have  no  idea.  The  passen- 
gers are  turnip-eaters  no  longer,  but  lotus-eaters.  They  loll 
about  the  decks  in  easy  postures,  smoking  large  pipes  in  a 
calm  contemplative  way,  and  discussing  the  eternal  fitness  of 
things.  It  is  worthy  of  remark  that  all  of  them  are 
immensely  patriotic,  and  avow  a  determination  never  to  sub- 
mit to  the  South,  but  to  take  the  field  themselves  if  necessary. 
As  might  naturally  be  expected,  this  patriotism  develops 
itself  each  day  with  crescent  ardor  as  we  increase  our  dis- 
tance from  the  seat  of  war  and  the  conscription  bilL 


SPARE  SPARS  AND  SPARE  RIBS.  373 

A  celebrated  traveler  stated  as  the  result  of  his  experience 
that  he  had  found  the  world  inhabited  by  only  two  sorts  of 
people — men  and  women.  So  on  shipboard,  the  men  may 
be  mostly  divided  into  two  great  classes :  those  that  have 
wives,  and  those  that  have  not.  It  is  fortunate  for  these  latter 
wretches  that  California-bound  ships  are  provided  with  other 
spare  objects  of  utility  than  spare  spars  and  ropes.  For 
instance,  besides  carrying  out  any  number  of  spare  old  maids, 
the  California  ship  generally  carries  out  a  varied  assortment  of 
spare  wives.  We  have  several  on  board  who  go  out  to  rejoin 
husbands,  not  lost  but  gone  before.  Perhaps  we  should  not 
blame  them  for  receiving  innocent  little  attentions  from 
fellow-passengers,  nor  the  latter  for  paying  them ;  for  it  is 
not  good  for  man  to  be  alone  on  the  sea.  Neptune  without 
an  Amphitrite  seated  beside  him  in  his  car,  would  be  a  very 
sorry  and  disconsolate  looking  deity  indeed.  The  sea  air  is 
highly  conducive  to  flirtations — perhaps  because  it  is  so  brac- 
ing. The  passenger  of  an  inquisitive  turn  of  mind,  perambu- 
lating the  decks  at  late  hours  of  the  night,  might  very  well  fancy 
himself  in  Acadia  or  the  Cremorne  Gardens.  The  same  man 
in  the  identical  moon  looks  down  on  similar  scenes,  and  flying- 
fish  overhear  the  same  tender  whispers  and  vows  that  are  confid- 
ed to  the  discretion  of  nightingales  on  shore.  The  waves  play 
an  orchestral  accompaniment  that  drowns  these  soft  sounds  to 
less  sympathizing  ears.  Take  a  midnight  stroll  with  the 
elderly  and  slightly  lame  gentleman,  Mr.  Paul,  on  our  marine 
piazza,  any  time  after  six  bells  and  before  eight,  and  you 
shall  see  several  turtle-doves — mock-turtle-doves,  rather — bill- 
ing and  cooing  their  happy  passions  in  mutual  confidence. 

To  our  great  delight  we  raised  the  great  Southern  Cross 
last  night.  May  we  not  envy  the  feelings  of  the  Catholic 
mariner  when  sailing  southward  he  beholds  the  symbol  of 
his  faith  Vjcnt  above  liim  in  the  heavens?  But  though  south- 
ern clouds  and  pillars  of  fire  have  risen  above  the  horizon, 
we  have  not  yet  lost  sight  of  our  northern  ones.  We  carry 
our  constellations  with  us— the  clubs  of  Orion  and  Hercules 
are  yet  turned  up  as  trumps  over  liead,  and  from  the  inverted 


374  UNDER  THE  STARS. 

Great  Dipper  above  us  the  Milky  "Way  still  discourseth 
itself.  These  stars  are  silver  links  in  our  associations  with 
the  past.  To-day  we  are  sailing  beneath  the  same  stars  that 
guided  the  Children  of  Israel  across  the  desert,  the  same 
stars  that  in  their  courses  fought  against  Sisera.  Very  likely 
Noah  steered  by  Sirius ! 

We  carry  the  Sabbath  with  us  as  well  as  the  stars.  Yester- 
day there  was  divine  service  in  the  cabin,  conducted  by  a 
young  clergyman  of  New  York  who  goes  out  to  seek  for 
health  in  the  equable  Calif  ornian  clime.  The  sermon  was  an 
impressive  one.  Floating  in  the  hollow  of  God's  hand  we 
praised  Him.  Outside  the  walls  of  our  improvised  Temple 
dashed  the  waves,  and  through  every  nerve  and  fibre  of  her 
vast  body  our  ship  trembled  as  though  in  an  agony  of  fear. 
But  onward  through  the  Caribbean  we  passed,  dryly  and 
safely  as  the  people  of  Moses  through  the  Red  Sea  when 
swelling  waters  whelmed  the  chariots  of  Pharaoh. 

The  transition  from  the  church  to  an  opera  troupe  may 
seem  abrupt,  but  in  this  case  it  is  both  natural  and  necessary. 
For  if  an  opera  troupe  had  not  been  previously  organized 
among  the  sweet  singers  of  the  ship  a  choir  would  have  been 
wanting.  Certainly  all  on  board  had  reason  to  thank  our 
prima  donna,  hasso,  and  robusti  tenori,  for  their  services  on 
Sundays  and  nightly  performances  during  the  week — admit- 
tance to  which  latter  was  cheaply  purchased  by  abstinence 
from  the  use  of  tobacco  during  the  music.  Our  staterooms 
are  as  comfortable  as  could  well  be  desired,  and  these  snug 
little  cottages  of  the  sea,  especially  those  on  the  deck-heights, 
are  eminently  pleasant  and  charmingly  adapted  for  the  duty 
of  seeing  a  young  lady  home  after  church  or  the  opera. 
Carriages  are  wholly  unnecessary.  They  are  not  so  well  sup- 
plied with  water  as  they  might  be,  the  Croton  not  being  yet 
introduced,  but  this  defect  may  be  easily  remedied.  "Why 
there  should  be  any  scarcity  of  water  on  board  seems  strange 
to  me,  as  it  is  plainly  evident  that  many  of  the  passengers  do 
not  use  any  for  ablutionary  purposes.  But  there  is  no  lack 
of  wine  I 


A  PLAN  FOR  REPRESSING  RUDENESS.  375 

"  Any  Port  in  a  storm,"  says  an  old  nautical  proverb,  but 
give  me  claret,  if  that  storm  should  happen  to  be  in  tlie  trop- 
ics. Claret,  by  the  way,  is  an  excellent  substitute  for  water. 
It  is  quite  as  good  to  wash  in,  and  very  much  better  for 
drinking  purposes.  And,  supplied  with  the  luxuries  of  life, 
he  were  a  grumbling  dog  indeed  who  would  not  willingly 
dispense  with  its  necessities. 

It  has  always  been  a  favorite  scheme  of  mine  to  organize  a 
joint-stock  company,  with  unlimited  capital  and  credit,  all  of 
which  latter  should  be  expended  in  hiring  wonderful  athletes 
and  invincible  pugilists  to  travel  up  and  down  town  in  cars 
and  omnibusses,  stopping  at  all  the  lirst-class  hotels  in  rota- 
tion, for  the  sole  purpose  of  soundly  thrashing  drivers  and 
conductors,  and  punching  the  heads  of  hotel  clerks  whenever 
their  rudeness  made  it  necessary.     Now  I  have  concluded  to 
include  sea-captains  in  the  list  of  rough  ones  that  need  "  polish- 
ing off  "  occasionally;  for  ours  ordered  me  away  from  the 
compass  the  other  evening,  when  I  -was  showing  a  reverend 
friend    its    points,  and  making    marine    matters   generally 
more  complicated  to  him.     The  water  used  on  shipboard  is 
kept  in  iron  tanks,  and  becomes  impregnated  with  rust  and 
ferruginous  particles  to  such  an  extent  that  the  chests  of 
those  drinking  it  are  soon  lined  with  iron,  while  deposits 
of  the  pure  metal  may  be  found  in  their  pockets.    If  inveterate 
water-drinkers  approached  the  compass  they  would  demagnet- 
ize the  needle,  I  suppose,  and  in  this  view  of  it  the  captain 
was  perhaps  justified  in  ordering  us  away  from  the  binnacle. 
He  never  wastes  words,  this  captain.     1  was  amused  at  the 
reply  made  to  a  tall,  gawky  youth  who  stepped  up  to  hini 
the  other  day  as  he  was  "  taking  the  sun,"  and  asked  him 
how  far  he  could  "  see  with  that  glass."     "  Ninety-five  mil- 
lions of  miles,"   answered  he.      "  I  can   see   the   sun,   sir." 
Why  explain  the  difference  between  a  telescope  and  a  quad- 
rant to  one  who  can  never  have  occasion  to  use  either? 

I  have  nearly  done  with  the  America.  This  is  Wednesday 
morning,  March  the  25th,  and  we  are  running  into  (Jrey- 
town  after  a  very  pleasant  and  prosperous  passage.     Under 


376  AN  OPERA  NIGHT. 

ordinary  circumstances  all  would  be  glad  to  see  land ;  but 
now  a  certain  feeling  of  sadness  prevails.  For  it  is  here 
that  we  are  to  lose  the  leading  artists  of  the  opera  troupe. 
Last  night  there  was  a  farewell  appearance.  By  the  kind- 
ness of  the  manager  I  am  permitted  to  copy  the  flaming 
poster  which  announced  the  performance.  Not  being  an 
artist  I  am  obliged  to  omit  the  American  flags  and  shields 
and  eagles  and  brilliant  colors,  that  adorn  the  original  docu- 
ment. 

ROYAL  OPERA. 


The  Managers  of  the  Royal  Opera  House,  who  have  had  the  honor  of 
appearing  in  North  America  and  Central  America,  but  principally  on  the 

are  compelled  regretfully  to  announce  that  in  consequence  of 

THE  DEFECTION  OF  THEIR  PRINCIPAL  ARTISTS, 
They  are  compelled  to  announce  a 

LAST    APPEARANCE 

FOR  THIS   EVENING. 

Universal  preparations  have  been  made  to  make  this  last  night  the  field  night 
of  the  season. 

THE  FIELD  NIGHT  OF  THE  SEASON. 

THE  FIELD  NIGHT  OF  THE  SEASON. 

THE  FIELD  NIGHT  OF  THE  SEASON. 

A  SONG  COMPOSED  EXPRESSLY  FOR  THE  OCCASION, 

(expressly  FOR  THE  OCCASION,) 
will  be  sung  with  the  unrivaled  strength  of  the  company.      It  is  local  in  its 
nature  and  marine  in  its  application. 

LOCAL  IN  ITS  NATURE, 
AND  MARINE  IN  ITS  APPLICATION. 
LOCAL  m  ITS  NATURE, 
AND  MARINE  IN  ITS  APPLICATION. 
It  is  hoped  that  none  will  take  what  may  be  said  or  sung  to  themselves ; 
but  if  the  song  should  offend  any  individual  member  of  the  ship's  company, 
the  Manager  is  ready  and  willing  to  accept  his  sincere  apologies.     We  are 
near  the  Mosquito  Coast,  and  for  particulars,  those  desirous,  can  see 

SMALL  BILLS  ! 
SMALL  BILLS  ! 
SMALL    bills! 


THE  SONG  SUNG.  377 

Full  dress  is  not  required— but  Sweet  Breath, 

SWEET  BREATH, 
SWEET  BREATH, 
SWEET  BREATH, 

And  Oean  Shirts,  Clean  Shirts,  Clean  Shirts, 

CLEAN  SHIRTS, 

CLEAN  SHIRTS, 

CLEAN  SHIRTS, 
(or  AT   LEAST  A  CLEAN   COLLAR,) 
Are  indispensable  to  admission. 

The  performance  will  commence  at  8  o'clock  precisely.  The  audience  are 
requested  to  bring  their  own  chairs  with  them,  and  also  stools  for  the  princi- 
pal artists.  No  carriages  are  required.  Lights  will  be  blown  out  at  10 
o'clock,  by  special  request  of  the  captain.  Donations  for  the  Managers  may 
be  left  wherever  most  convenient. 

Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  the  opera  troupe  had  quite  a  bill. 
They  likewise  had  an  immense  and  orderly  audience  and 
much  applause.  And  here  you  have  the  new  song,  which,  it 
is  only  fair  to  say,  was  several  times  encored  —  deservedly, 
I  think,  for  in  me  you  behold  the  blushing  author. 

THE  NEW  SONG. 

The  ship,  the  ship,  the  good  old  ship! 
She's  bound  to  make  a  jolly  trip; 
Spare  captains  two,  and  clergy  three, 
I'm  sure  the  ship  can't  sink  at  sea. 

The  Golden  Gate!  the  Golden  Gate! 
We're  bound  to  reach  it  soon  or  late; 
We'll  stem  the  San  Juan's  rolling  flood 
If  they  don't  stick  us  in  the  mud. 

The  transit  route  will  not  be  cool — 
Crossing  the  Isthmus  on  a  mule ; 
Go  in  a  coach  you  who  agree. 
But  get  a  pacing  mule  for  me. 

Some  men  have  wives  upon  the  spot — 
Some  seem  to  have  them  who  have  not; 
Deck  promenades  are  very  fine, 
But  don't  walk  off  with  wife  of  mine. 


378  -^T  GREYTOWN. 

It  ia  no  harm,  one  kiss  or  more — 
But  do  it  all  behind  the  door ; 
The  art  of  kissing  seems  to  me 
Is  not  to  let  the  others  see ! 

lights  out  at  ten !  lights  out  at  ten! 

If  that's  the  law,  we  say  amen ; 

The  moon  is  left,  and  so  is  Mars, 

Thank  Heaven  they  can't  blow  out  the  stars. 

Havana  is  a  pretty  place : 
But,  Captain,  in  the  name  of  grace, 
When  all  its  lamps  are  plain  in  sight, 
Why  don't  you  "  tie  up"  for  the  night  ? 

We  stop  to  sound  upon  the  sea, 
But  of  all  sounds,  the  gong  for  me ; 
I  don't  like  iron,  but  after  all 
The  oxide's  better  than  the  balL 

The  time  draws  near  when  we  must  part. 
So  says  the  captain  and  the  chart ; 
The  opera  troupe  must  troop  on  shore — 
Our  Prima  Donna  '11  be  no  MooRi. 

Perhaps  the  warmest  heart  may  cool. 
Crossing  the  Isthmus  on  a  mule ; 
But  when  the  voyage  is  safely  through, 
Remember  those  that  sung  for  you. 

With  the  new  song  closes  the  America) 8  record.  Before 
us  lies  a  new  volume,  fresh  to  the  most  of  us  as  though  it 
were  just  issued  hot  and  smoking  from  the  Press  of  Creation. 
On  its  fly  leaf  is  written  Nicaragua,  and  the  frontispiece  is 
Greytown ;  for  the  letter-press  please  consult  the  next 
chapter. 


CHAPTER  LI. 

feom  new  york  to  san  francisco  via  nicaragua. 

(continued.) 

/^  REYTOWN  is  an  insignificant  little  place — the  houses 
VJ  and  inhabitants  of  which  are  built  chiefly  of  bamboos 
and  bananas,  and  thatched  with  palm  leaves.  It  is  mainly- 
peopled  by  mulattoes  and  monkeys.  The  former,  perhaps, 
have  the  advantage  in  point  of  number  and  size,  though  in 
other  respects,  intelligence  and  honesty,  for  instance,  the  lat- 
ter compare  very  favorably.  The  dress  of  both  classes  is 
decidedly  primitive,  that  of  the  young  especially — these  latter 
wearing  neither  flannel  nor  fig  leaves,  not  even,  adopting 
that  modern  innovation,  the  postage  stamp.  The  natives 
live  principally  on  bananas  and  strangers — travelers  are 
obliged  to  live  on  each  other. 

Greytown  will  probably  be  best  remembered  because  of 
its  having  been  bombarded  and  burned  once  on  a  time.  The 
daring  deed  was  done  by  Ilollins,  subsequently  a  vice-admiral 
in  the  confederate  navy.  Wliy  he  bombarded  the  town  no 
one  ever  very  clearly  understood.  Certain  it  is  he  could 
have  bought  it  for  half  the  value  of  the  shot  and  shell  ex- 
pended thereon. 

So  far  as  Greytown  itself  is  concerned,  a  day  or  two 
might  be  spent  there  very  pleasantly,  but  a  week — no  !  The 
men  are  hospitable  and  the  monkeys  playful,  but  neither  are 
entertaining  in  conversation,  and  one  soon  gets  tired  of  ])oth. 
The  former  possess  some  traits  of  character,  however,  that 
elicit  my  warmest  admiration.     They   live  at  peace  among 


380  UP  THE  RIVER  SAN  JUAN. 

themselves,  and  lawsuits,  lyceums,  and  weekly  newspapers  are 
unknown.  The  greed  of  gain  does  not  at  all  possess  them. 
After  they  have  made  enough  money  to  support  them  for  the 
day  they  leave  work  and  settle  down  upon  their  otium  cum 
dig.  A  number  of  us  wished  to  go  off  to  the  ship  one 
evening,  and  offered  the  natives  almost  any  money  to  ferry 
us  thither  and  back,  but  no,  one  and  all  declared  they  had 
made  money  enough  for  the  day,  and  had  tied  their  hungos 
up  for  the  night.  Argument  was  useless.  I  must  confess 
that  their  patriarchal  style  of  putting  the  thing  stands  out  to 
me  in  delightful  contrast  to  the  action  of  a  thorough-bred 
Yankee  under  similar  circumstances,  who  after  working  all 
day  at  his  trade  would  gladly  start  off  and  work  all  night  at 
anything  else,  if  one  only  offered  him  money  enough. 

But  all  vexatious  detentions  were  forgotten  when  we  found 
ourselves  sailing  up  the  San  Juan  Kiver.  One  does  not 
every  day  have  a  chance  to  steam  through  tropical  forests, 
brushing  monkeys  and  parrots  from  their  leafy  perches  with 
smoke-stack,  and  playing  indescribable  tattoos  and  reveilles 
on  the  ridged  backs  of  alligators  with  paddle-wheels  made 
of  Yankee  timber — so  one  may  be  pardoned  for  sitting  down 
deliberately  to  the  enjoyment  of  the  thing,  and  endeavoring 
to  drink  in  enough  of  it  to  last  a  life-time.  In  my  some- 
what varied  experience  I  have  seen  several  scenes  of  beauty, 
but  never  anything  to  equal  the  San  Juan  River,  as  revealed 
by  the  crescent  moon  the  night  that  we  left  Grey  town.  The 
waters  were  still  as  the  sky,  and  there  was  a  cloud  in  neither. 
Above  our  heads  arched  the  great  dome  of  the  forest,  blend- 
ing into  the  blue  belfry  above  wherein  swung  innumerable 
chimes  of  stars,  seemingly  so  near  that  one  involuntarily 
paused  to  catch  their  silver  tinklings.  Through  the  tops  of 
great  trees  the  moonbeams  sifted  down  upon  the  waters  a 
golden  shower  like  to  that  which  of  old  fell  from  heaven 
into  the  prone  lap  of  Danse.  And  over  and  above  all  a  great 
silence  folded  its  wings  as  a  jealous  bird  above  its  nest ;  not 
a  sound  was  to  be  heard  in  earth  or  heaven,  for  these  eternal 
old   forests   chant   their  grand  hymns  to   themselves,   and 


FIDDLING  IN  THE  FORESTS.  381 

become  mute  when  listeners  are  by.  Not  even  the  whisper 
of  a  wakeful  bird  could  be  heard,  nor  the  bacchanalian  catch 
trolled  by  dissipated  lizards  reeling  home  from  late  revels. 
Of  all  silences  I  fancy  there  are  none  that  can  equal  the 
hush  of  these  tropical  forests ;  tombs  are  loud  in  com- 
parison, and  it  were  deafening  to  step  from  one  of  them  into 
the  catacombs  where  dead  men  only  have  converse.  And 
such  luxuriance  of  verdure  as  they  exhibit  passes  the  power 
of  words  and  even  of  the  painter's  brush  to  describe.  The 
picture  that  attempted  to  reproduce  it  could  be  but  one  dash 
of  green.  Of  themselves  the  trees  grow  so  thickly  that  a 
gray-headed  and  cautious  church  mouse  would  feel  deliber- 
ately with  his  whiskers  before  attempting  to  thread  his  way 
between  their  trunks;  but  as  though  this  alone  were  not 
sufficient,  pliant  vines  weave  branches,  boughs,  and  all,  into 
one  interminable  net  of  basket  work  through  which  nothing 
more  palpable  than  moonbeams  may  crawl. 

At  a  later  hour  the  choral  silence  of  the  forests  was  broken 
by  the  profane  sound  of  a  fiddle  played  on  the  deck  of  the 
steamer.  Picture  it,  think  of  it,  dissolute  man ;  scrape  on  it, 
list  to  it,  then,  if  you  can!  Now  I  have  no  particular 
objection  to  dancing,  though  I  myself  dance  rarely,  and  in 
the  tropics  never.  To  my  thinking  the  Oriental  does  the 
"  poetry  of  motion "  much  better  in  making  his  servants 
dance  for  him.  It  saves  an  incalculable  amount  of  sweat  and 
the  vexation  of  having  to  clasp  around  the  waist  in  some  of 
the  possible  combinations  of  the  dance  an  uncomely  partner. 
Nevertheless,  I  can  see  why  people  should  dance  in  town 
and  country,  and  at  watering  places  and  victualing  places ;  but 
why  any  one  should  come  down  here  beneath  the  tropic  of 
Cancer  to  cut  pigeon-wings  and  other  things,  puzzled  me — 
if  they  wish  to  dance  in  the  tropics  at  all,  let  them  cut  their 
capers  under  Capricorn.  But,  seriously,  when  such  a  volume 
of  beauty  is  opened,  and  the  time  to  enjoy  it  is  so  limited, 
were  it  not  better  to  sit  down  to  its  pages  and  reverently  study 
them,  than  to  wear  out  shoes  in  doing  that  which  could  better  bo 
done  in  a  country  barn,  under  a  Massachusetts  moon  ?    But  is 


382  PAIRS  OF  ALLIGATORS. 

there  any  accounting  for  tastes  ?  All  this  while  a  man  sat  in 
the  cabin  reading  a  ragged-paged  novel  to  a  seedy-looking 
woman  by  the  light  of  a  tallow  candle.  Why  do  people  stuff 
their  pockets  with  magazines,  newspapers  and  gingerbread 
when  they  go  a-traveling  ?  I  expect  when  I  go  to  Egypt  to 
find  some  one  reading  The  Bleeding  Baby  or  a  Meditative 
Mother's  Bevenge,  sailing  down  the  Nile,  and  a  large  party 
playing  "  draw  poker  "  on  the  slant  side  of  the  pyramids. 

The  traveler  through  Central  America  will  hear  much  of 
the  delicious  flavor  of  the  "  alligator  pear."  He  must  not 
confound  that  fruit  with  the  pairs  of  alligators  he  will  see 
sunning  themselves  on  the  banks  of  the  San  Juan  River,  as 
he  sails  up  it.  Shooting  these  monsters  is  a  capital  amuse- 
ment. It  is  fun  to  see  them  scramble  off  the  bank  when  a 
bullet  tickles  them  behind  the  foreshoulder,  and  it  does  not 
at  all  interfere  with  one's  enjoyment  to  know  that  it  is  death 
to  the  alligator,  for  they  are  the  ungainly  Ishmaelites  of  these 
waters.  A  rifled  musket  would  make  things  properly  warm 
for  these  cheerful  reptiles.  I  had  only  a  common  squirrel  rifle, 
throwing  a  ball  the  size  of  a  pea,  and  this  failed  to  turn  up 
the  yellow  of  their  bellies  to  the  sun  as  often  as  would  have 
been  desirable.  For  the  Sharp's  carbine  of  my  cavalry 
experience,  or  a  rifle  throwing  an  ounce-and-a-half  conical 
ball,  I  would  have  given — well,  all  the  alligators  I  killed. 

It  occurs  to  me  that  a  few  facts  may  not  be  uninteresting 
to  those  who  care  more  about  the  route  itself  than  about  the 
moon  that  shines  above  it  and  the  monsters  that  sport  below. 
The  San  Juan  is  a  variable  stream.  For  nine  months  of  the 
year  its  waters  are  sufiiciently  high  to  enable  the  large-sized 
boat  of  the  upper  rapids  to  run  direct  from  the  Toro  Rapids 
to  Greytown.  This  obviates  any  necessity  of  change  of  pas- 
sengers and  baggage  on  the  river.  But  during  the  months 
of  March,  April  and  May,  it  is  often  necessary  to  wait  for  a 
heavy  dew  to  float  the  boat  over  the  dry  bed  of  the  river, 
and  it  was  during  one  of  these  months  that  our  fortune 
fell. 

From  Greytown  to  Castillo  the  distance  is  about  eighty- 


OLD  DEFENSES.  333 

five  miles.  At  Castillo  we  had  to  change  boat  and  bao-gage. 
Here,  by  the  way,  are  located  the  fortifications  which  Nelson 
once  stormed  in  his  early  days.  In  his  first  attack  he  was 
repulsed,  but  a  subsequent  one  proved  successful.  I  am  told 
that  a  Spanish  lady  held  out  to  the  last,  and  incited  the  sol- 
diers defending  the  work  to  resistance  even  after  they  had 
determined  to  surrender.  The  fort  is  located  on  a  crest 
which  completely  commands  the  river  approach  and  the  sur- 
rounding plateaus  and  elevations.  Before  the  day  of  rifled 
cannon  and  ponderous  projectiles,  it  was  undoubtedly  a 
formidable  work,  being  supplied  with  water  by  two  subter- 
ranean passages  to  the  river  below,  and  having  covered  ways 
cut  through  the  rocks  to  adjoining  hills  for  retreat.  But  a 
single  thirty-two-pound  Parrott  of  the  present  epoch,  rightly 
served,  would  make  sad  havoc  among  its  quaint  towers  and 
port-holes,  scattering  astonishing  quantities  of  brick  and  mor- 
tar about  its  garrison's  ears. 

Owing  to  grave  political  or  military  reasons,  a  party  of  us, 
after  climbing  the  hill,  were  denied  permission  to  cross  the 
rusty  old  drawbridge,  though  the  sentinels  kindly  consented 
to  stack  their  antiquated  old  flint-locks  and  trafiic  with  us  for 
oranges.  In  its  present  state,  and  as  now  garrisoned,  it  is 
my  impression  that  the  fort  could  be  taken  with  a  pocket 
pistol  of  very  inferior  whisky  and  a  few  dimes,  and  that  it 
could  be  permanently  held  at  a  cost  not  exceeding  $5.  At 
the  time  of  our  passing  through  Nicaragua,  war  was  going 
on  all  around  us  for  some  state  rights  impossible  to  compre- 
hend ;  but  as  I  can  neither  understand  the  merits  of  tlie 
case,  nor  spell  or  pronounce  the  names  of  the  contending 
generals,  I  shall  make  no  further  reference  to  it. 

To  return  to  the  river.  At  Castillo  we  took  a  boat  of 
larger  size,  which  convoyed  us  to  the  Toro  Rapids,  a  distance 
of  ten  or  twelve  miles,  where  we  took  a  yet  larger  one,  which 
carried  us  over  Lake  Nicaragua  to  Virgin  Bay,  about  one 
hundred  miles  further.  Thinking  it  would  be  well  to  know 
each  of  the  boats  when  one  came  that  way  again,  I  left  a  silk 
bat  on  one,  a  silk  umbrella  on  another,  and  a  young  lady  on 


384  BURNING  MOUNTAINS. 

the  third.  Should  any  future  traveler  pick  up  any  of  the 
above  mentioned  articles  by  mistake  or  otherwise,  I  wish  it 
to  be  distinctly  understood  that  they  belong  to  me. 

On  Lake  Nicaragua  we  experienced  quite  as  rough  weather 
as  on  the  Atlantic  Ocean,  making  nearly  all  the  women  and 
some  of  the  men  too  lake-sick  to  enjoy  the  fine  view  of 
Omatepe,  who  thrusts  his  bald  head  some  five  thousand  feet 
skyward — not  quite  high  enough  to  pierce  all  the  clouds  and 
mists  that  gather  on  his  brow  and  enjoy  eternal  sunbeams. 
Medere  was  formerly  a  loftier  peak  than  Omatepe,  but  it 
foolishly  burnt  itself  down  to  a  lower  level,  and  seemed 
insanely  determined  to  go  on  with  the  work  of  self-consump- 
tion. So  Nature  blew  it  out.  Strange  that  these  great 
mountains  should  burn  themselves  out  like  candles.  Why 
does  not  some  one  thrust  a  wick  down  into  one  of  the  great 
coal  hills  of  Pennsylvania,  that  so  we  may  have  volcanoes  at 
our  own  doors. 

The  Spanish  have  a  singular  way  of  naming  persons  and 
places  from  their  complete  deficiency  in  or  of  what  the  names 
would  signify.  Thus  Buena  Vista  is  so  called  because  it  has 
no  view  at  all,  good  or  bad ;  and  Virgin  Bay  must  be  so 
named  because  there  are  neither  virgins  there  nor  anything 
else — if  we  except  the  ruins  of  the  old  Transit  Company's 
wharf,  built  at  an  expense  of  nearly  $200,000  and  burned  by 
the  natives  at  much  less  cost,  with  a  view  to  bettering  their 
condition  by  shutting  out  all  bettering  influences — a  line 
of  policy  they  seem  determined  to  pursue  at  the  present  day 
in  their  dealings  with  all  foreigners. 

From  Virgin  to  San  Juan  del  Sur — so  called  in  contrast  to 
Greytown  whose  native  name  is  San  Juan  del  Norte — the 
distance  is  some  twelve  miles.  This  is  variously  achieved 
by  coach  or  by  mule  riding.  (The  people  of  this  country 
take  horseback  exercise  on  mules.)  The  mules  are  about  as 
large  and  shaggy  as  an  average-sized  Newfoundland  dog, 
though  the  dogs  would  have  the  advantage  in  easiness  of 
gait  and  also  in  docility  of  disposition.  For  I  fancy  that  the 
dog — that  is  the  well-bred  dog — would  not  attempt  to  kick 


THE  "  ROLLING  MOSES."  335 

his  rider  in  the  back,  nor  to  put  his  hind  feet  in  the  stirrups. 
All  these  things  mules  do.  It  is  entirely  a  mistake  to  sup- 
pose that  the  animal  paces — it  does  not,  it  trots. 

The  mule  of  Central  America  is  not  fast,  but  what  it  lacks 
in  speed  of  trot  it  makes  up  in  roughness.  It  has  the  pro- 
gressive motion  of  the  tortoise  combined  with  the  up-and- 
down  motion  of  a  saw-gate.  By  the  kind  assistance  of  a 
native,  I  succeeded  in  securing  an  eccentric  beast  that  trav- 
eled sideways  like  a  crab  instead  of  endwise  in  the  natural 
order  of  Providence.  A  favorable  opportunity  offering,  I 
traded  him  off  with  a  young  lady  whose  horse  needed  a  firmer 
bridle-hand  than  hers  to  keep  him  in  the  right  path.  The 
trade  resulted  to  the  mutual  satisfaction  of  all  parties  con- 
cerned, beasts  and  riders  included,  and  I  soon  succeeded  in 
distancing  my  ecclesiastical  friend,  who,  when  last  seen,  was 
belaboring  the  sides  of  his  mule,  which  had  come  to  a  dead 
standstill  in  the  road,  with  a  huge  cudgel,  and  probably 
thinking  that  after  all,  Balaam  had  the  right  of  it  in  that 
little  controversy  with  the  ass.  Henceforth  Bayles  and 
Balaam  will  be  inseparably  associated  in  my  mind. 

At  San  Juan  del  Sur  Ave  found  a  steamship  nicknamed 
"  The  Rolling  Moses,"  and  the  balance  of  our  jjassengers 
waiting  for  us.  The  next  evening,  April  3d,  we  sailed. 
Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  ten  days  were  consumed  between 
tlie  two  coasts,  giving  us  ample  time  to  become  acquainted 
with  the  scenery  of  the  country.  That  no  more  graphic 
or  poetical  description  of  it  has  been  given  may  be  accounted 
for  by  the  fact  tliat  I  crossed  it  with  a  mule — not  a  muse. 

"\Ve  sailed,  but  the  end  of  detention  was  not  yet.  By 
some  singular  misconception  or  conflict  of  orders  the  vessel 
that  should  have  been  in  San  Juan  with  a  load  of  coal  for 
our  vessel  had  gone  to  San  Francisco.  Accordingly  we  liad 
nothing  to  do  for  it  but  to  coal  at  Bealejo — a  little  Nicaragua 
])ort  some  hundred  miles  or  so  northward.  The  UKnning  of 
the  4th  saw  us  at  anchor  again,  arid  noon  of  that  day  found 
all  hands  ashore  in  quest  of  fruit  and  experiences.  Both 
abounded.  I  learned  more  of  the  manner  and  customs  of 
25 


386  "POCO  TIEMPOr 

the  country  here  than  in  all  my  previous  observations.  The 
watchword  of  the  climate  is  poco  tiempo — which  means  "  a 
little  while,"  or  "  in  a  little  while."  Its  nearest  English  ren- 
dering can  be  found  perhaps  in  "  Procrastination  is  the  best 
policy,"  or  "  Do  nothing  to-day  that  can  be  put  off  until  to- 
morrow." If  a  man's  mother  were  dying  ten  miles  distant 
and  he  wanted  a  mule  saddled  hastily,  the  muleteer  would 
tell  him  if  he  attempted  to  hurry  the  process,  Poco  tiempo  ! 
It  is  Poco  tiempo  if  you  want  a  dinner  or  a  doctor,  and  I 
believe  a  native  priest  M'ould  send  a  sinner's  soul  unshriven 
before  its  Creator,  muttering  a  Poco  tiempo  instead  of  a 
prayer. 

The  only  instances  in  which  this  poco-tiempo  rule  is  disre- 
garded are  those  where  imbibition  is  implied  or  understood. 
An  invitation  to  drink  is  complied  with  by  the  courteous 
inhabitant  with  remarkable  despatch,  and  he  loses  no  time  in 
emptying  his  glass  and  standing  ready  to  be  asked  to  drink 
or  smoke  again.  I  was  rather  amused,  though  somewhat 
mortified,  to  ascertain  in  what  j)erfect  contempt  our  beloved 
Uncle  Abraham's  greenbacks  are  held  in  Realejo.  Offering 
a  dark-eyed  Senorita  one  of  them  in  payment  for  a  sniall 
package  of  "  puros,"  she  explained  to  me  with  an  indescriba- 
ble gesture  of  contempt  that,  though  very  good  to  light  cigars 
with,  such  paper  would  not  do  to  buy  them  with. 

There  is  another  phrase  that  has  a  w^ide  and  varied  use  and 
application — Costumbre  del  pais.  This  is  an  excuse  for  any- 
thing. If  a  man  should  attempt  to  take  your  purse  and  you 
caught  him  with  his  hand  in  your  pocket,  he  would  politely 
explain  to  you  that  it  was  costutnbre  del pais^  (the  custom  of 
the  country,)  and  you  would  be  in  duty  bound  to  let  him  go. 
If,  after  heartily  dining  on  what  you  fancied  to  be  chicken, 
it  suddenly  turned  out  that  you  had  in  reality  been  eating 
lizard,  the  fact  that  it  was  C(9s<?<7w5re<7eZj9«?5  would  be  alleged 
to  quiet  your  rebellious  stomach.  Some  of  these  costumhres 
delpcis,  however,  are  exceedingly  charming — that  one,  for 
instance,  by  which  you  are  permitted  to  clasp  a  young  lady 
around  the  waist  and  pat  her  on  the  back  three  or  four  times 


(iUKKN  HACKS  Al'  A    DISC  (K    VI. 


'<  OH,  SHE  HAD  A  DARK  AND  ROLLING  EYE."  387 

bv  way  of  salutation.  A  prettier  fashion  of  saying  good 
morning  could  not  well  be  devised. 

Apropos  of  these  native  girls,  some  of  them  are  very  pretty 
indeed,  with  such  eyes,  hair  and  teeth  as  are  to  be  found  in 
only  two  places  in  the  world — Byron's  poems  and  Realejo. 
There  are  certain  pairs  of  black  eyes  that  several  of  us  can- 
not get  rid  of  —  they  haunt  us  yet,  and  I  don't  know  but  that 
we  will  have  to  return  thither  and  bring  them  away,  and 
indeed  the  whole  accompanying  anatomy.  One  never  knows 
when  he  is  to  meet  his  fate.  When  we  went  into  Realejo 
every  one  doubtless  already  had  enough  hair  in  his  valise 
to  stuff  a  good-sized  pillow,  and  certainly  none  expected  to 
add  to  the  collection  sundry  locks  with  a  closer  curl  in  them 
than  any  of  the  others  had. 

All  things  have  an  end^  and  jpoco  tiempo  falls  short  of 
actual  eternity.  Tuesday  evening,  the  7th,  found  the  ship 
coaled  and  ready  for  sea,  and  we  mournful  Americans  had  to 
bid  adieu  to  the  fair  but  too  bewitching  ladies  of  the  palm- 
leaves,  with  promises  to  remember  them  forever  and  return 
by  the  next  steamer — a  style  of  parting  which  is,  I  believe, 
not  only  costuinhre  del  pais,  but  also  the  custom  of  the  uni- 
versal world. 

Running  up  the  coast  of  the  rightly  named  Pacific  there  is 

little  of  incident  to  break  the  m.onotony  of  the  surging  sea 
and  clanging  paddle  wheels.  Some  of  the  passengers  spend 
their  time  in  card  playing,  some  in  talking  scandal — I  think 
the  former  occupation  the  more  christian  and  innocent  of  the 
two.  I  was  rather  amused  at  the  reply  made  by  one  of  the 
poker  players  to  a  clergyman,  wlio — notwithstanding  that  he 
comes  from  the  far  West,  where  the  Oregon  hears  the  sound 
of  its  own  dashings — evidently  disapproved  of  all  games  of 
chance,  and  remarked  that  he  "  considered  card  playing  a 
very  small  business,  indeed." 

"  That  depends  on  the  size  of  the  ante,"  coolly  remarked 
the  player  as  he  showed  his  opponent  three  nines  and  swept 
the  "  pot"  into  liis  pocket. 

So  far  as  scandal  is  concerned,  that  has  grown  and  blossomed 


388  SCANDAL  AT  SEA.     ' 

and  culminated,  and  is  now  in  full  flower.  One  lady  tells 
you  some  scandalous  story  she  has  heard  about  her  neighbor, 
and  has  barely  left  your  side  when  another  comes  up  and 
tells  you  something  she  is  personally  and  positively  sure  of 
concerning  her.  Very  few  reputations  are  intact.  If  com- 
mon report  may  be  believed,  most  of  the  men  are  gamblers 
and  most  of  the  women  worse.  One  learns  "  how  sublime 
a  thing  it  is  to  suffer  and  be  strong"  in  a  small  country  vil- 
lage, but  the  experience  there  is  nothing  to  that  encountered 
on  ship-board. 

The  coast  has  been  in  view  the  most  of  the  way,  and  occa- 
sionally we  have  seen  whales.  I  never  see  these  latter  with- 
out thinking  of  the  old  New  England  hymn,  one  stanza  of 
which  runs  thus : — 

"Ye  mighty  monsters  of  the  sea 

Your  Maker's  praises  spout, 
Up  from  the  deep,  ye  codlings  peep, 

And  wag  your  tails  about." 

Quoting  the  above  the  other  day,  I  was  accused  of  irrev- 
erence and  blasphemy.  Very  few  are  aware  that  it  is  really 
a  part  of  an  actual  attempt  to  versify  that  Psalm  where  the 
fishes  of  the  sea,  and  all  God's  creatures,  are  called  upon  to 
praise  Him.  It  was  sung  by  Nantucket  nurses  and  Matta- 
poissett  mothers,  while  those  of  their  children  whose  children 
are  now  being  rocked  in  the  cradle  of  the  deep,  were  rocked 
in  willow  baskets  to  its  lullaby. 

When  we  near  land,  clouds  of  curious  gulls  come  hovering 
over  us,  with  their  pinky  beaks  and  folded  feet.  I  now 
know  where  Tennyson  got  his  vision  of  the  angels  in  Sir 
Galahad : — 

*'  With  folded  feet  in  stoles  of  white 
On  sleeping  wings  they  sail." 

Why  are  stupid  people  and  credulous  fools  likened  to  this 
glorious  bird,  that  has  wings  like  angels  near  the  Throne,  and 
eyes  like  the  Madonna  ? 

It  is  Sunday  morning,  and  the   California   coast   ranges 


IN  THE  GOLDEN  GATE.  339 

along  on  our  starboard  side.     At  tlie  present  moment  we  are 

leaving   Puint  Conception,   after  rounding  which  a  rough 

time  is  looked  for  by  all  conversant  with  this  stage  of  the 

journey.     Before  reaching  it  we  run  along  under  the  lee  of 

the  land,  in  water  comparatively  smooth,   but  beyond  its 

headlands    the    waves   again   take  possession   of    the  ship, 

and  toss  it  like  seven  or  more  devils.     In  deference  to  the 

charms  of  the  coast,  service  has  been  postponed  until  evening, 

and  only  the   hills  will  lift  up  their  voices,  and  the  floods 

clap  their  hands  in  praise,  during  the  day. 

******* 

"We  are  looking  out  to  catch  a  first  glimpse  of  the  Golden 

Grate,  and  wondering  if  we  shall  like  its  stile. 

******* 

It  is  Monday  morning,  the  20th  of  April,  and  our  ship  is 
safely  moored — after  a  voyage  of-- just  thirty-seven  days.  And 
I  am  already  repenting  of  having  spoken  jestingly  of  the 
Golden  Gate.  Inside  of  its  portals,  standing  within  the 
temple,  I  uncover  my  head  reverently.  AVe  people  of  the 
Eastern  States  are  very  ignorant,  after  all.  To  me  the 
Golden  Gate  stood  as  merely  a  rhetorical  figure.  I  was  not 
prepared  to  find  an  actual  gateway,  cloven  by  the  mailed 
hand  of  some  Cyclopean  force  in  the  solid  rock,  leading  to 
the  finest  harbor  in  the  world — a  water  as  smooth  as  a  thresh- 
ing-floor. Neither  was  I  prepared  to  find  a  great  many 
other  things  wliich  I  found  in  California, — but  the  story  of 
my  sea-voyage  is  done.  As  for  California,  a  curiosity  no 
longer  since  the  close  communion  brought  about  by  the 
Pacific  railroad,  she  stands  as  a  part  of  the  civilized  union, 
and  residents  no  longer  speak  of  "  going  home  to  the  States  " 
when  they  contemplate  a  visit  East. 


CHAPTER  LIT. 

MY  rm'EESSIONS  OF  CALIFOKXIA. 

"T/TIS,  I  will  give  tliem,  boldly.  One  of  tlie  first  questions 
X  asked  of  the  visitor  is,  "  Well  what  do  you  think  of  us  T' 
The  answer  is  generally  of  a  complimentary  nature,  which  is 
not  strange  when  you  take  into  account  the  prevalent  idea 
that  all  Califoruians  argue  with  six  shooters  in  their  boots 
and  bowie  knives  sluno;  down  their  backs.  At  this  distance 
I  can  allbrd  to  speak  my  mind  frankly  and  tell  the  truth. 
California  is  nothing  if  not  extreme.  She  never  does  any- 
tliimr  bv  halves.  The  "  Eureka  "  of  the  state  arms  should 
be  construed  to  road  ''  "Whole  animal  or  nothing.''  She 
grows  the  biggest  trees  and  the  smallest  woodpeckers,  the 
greatest  oxen  and  the  smallest  ovsters,  the  loudest*  women 
and  the  quietest  babies  of  any  country  on  earth.  "When  the 
weather  sets  in  to  be  dry  not  so  much  as  a  drop  of  dew  falls 
for  six  months ;  when  it  takes  a  foncy  to  rain  it  rains  half 
the  year  through  without  a  break.  Fires  are  not  of  frequent 
occurrence,  but  when  they  come  they  burn  up  a  whole  town. 
They  either  have  no  law  at  all  and  miscreants  go  impunished, 
or  the  inhabitants  turn  out  en  7)ia^se  and  hang  everybody. 
Crops  are  either  so  large  as  to  astonish  the  world  or  tail 
entirely.  Mines  either  pay  immensely  or  smash  their  owners 
in  a  corresponding  degree.     "When  the  hat  is  passed   around 


♦Loud,  but  not  rapid.  Mr.  Bowles,  in  Across  the  Coniinenf,  says  tliat  the 
ladies  of  San  Francisco  walk  fast  and  talk  t\\st;  indeed,  intimates  that  they 
ar?fast.  This  only  leads  nie  to  suppose  tliat  friend  Bowles  did  not  happen 
to  come  across  the  continent  in  liis  Pacific  coasting,  not>vitbstanding  the 
title  of  his  book. 

390 


HOW  THEY  DO  TUINUS  OUT  TllEUE.  301 

in  church — they  do  have  churches  there — the  chances  are 
even  wliether  the  ciow  ii  he  stuvcu  hi  l»y  twenty  (hdhir  yokl 
pieces  or  it  goes  hack  empty. 

Traveling;  is  generally  safe,  hut  Mhon  they  hlow  upastoani- 
hoat  it  means  something.  Nothing  more  is  ever  hcMrd  of 
boat  or  passengers.  Small  iswintilcs  ai-e  unknown.  When  a 
man  goes  in  to  steal  he  puts  his  claws  on  a  whole  township 
and  will  not  compromise  on  anything  less  than  a  mct-ling 
house.  So  in  domestic  matters;  husbands  and  Avivcs  are 
eitliL-r  on  tiic,  most  alfectionate  and  intimate  terms  (n-  else 
sleep  in  separate  beds.  Women  are  either  hiincii  iiltdgether 
or  else  throw  triplets  without  a  moment's  warning.  In  short 
it  is  the  contrariest  country^il'  I  nmy  l)e  pardoned  the  use 
of  a  classical  New  England  ]»hr:iHe — that  ever  the  sun  shone 
on.  Everything  e.\lsts  in  extremes,  and  these  extremes 
never  meet. 

])uring  the  war  ev(!rything  was  radical  ami  i-cpiiMican. 
One  could  not  yell  too  lou<l  or  shout  too  long  in  l';i\or  of 
what  was  dillercntly  known  as  "  tlu'  ki/,"  "the  kc/.,"  and 
*'  the  koz."  It  was  not  safe  to  walk  down  the  street  uidess 
yon  cldthcd  yourself  wilh  the  span  dangled  slaiiner  as  with 
a  garment  and  slapp(Ml  its  folds  in  }<'"''  neiuhltor's  eyes. 
I'^Irni  liMt  undemonstrative  Unionism  was  not  ree<tgni/ed. 
The  whole  thing  was  conductcid  on  the  s(tale,  or  rather  aft(>r 
the  patt(!rn  of  one  of  the  big  camp-meetings,  whei'i;  it,  is  not 
"  allowed  "  that  a  man  has  "got  religion  "  unhsss  he  seratclujs 
lip  the  gravel,  throws  sand,  and  bellows  like;  a  lop  horned 
bull.  Democrats  were  desj)isod — and  I  don't  know  hut  that 
tliey  d(!served  to  ix;.  Now  you  see  how  the  wIk.Ic  thing 
has  changed.  l)emocracy  rules,  and  it,  is  iiard  to  liiel  a  radi 
cal. 

The  ])(M)]»Ie  arc  either  extravagantly  generous  or  detestably 
mean,  they  either  lake  a  stranger  to  tlieir  bosoms  on  a  (irsi  in- 
trodiu'tion,  or  els(j  shoot  the  top  of  his  head  ofl".  In  hhoil  their 
civili/.ution  is  still  of  a  comj)aratively  crndc!  order,  ami  they 
need  ag(!  ont  thert;.  'Ihcty  have  an  unpleasant  sort  of  pride, 
born  prohahly  of  their  insulation  or  isolation  :  it  is  commonly 


392  CALIFORNIA  CHANGING. 

supposed  that  no  one  can  jump  so  high  or  dive  so  deep  or 
come  up  so  dry  as  a  Californian.  And  the  Californian  will 
inform  you  with  gravity  that  there  is  no  other  place  on 
earth  where  he  cares  to  live — without  once  stopping  to  ana- 
lyze the  reason — which  is  plain.  In  San  Francisco  he  is  some 
one  and  everybody  knows  him — in  the  older  and  larger  cities 
he  is  lost,  his  individuality  is  merged. 

This  will  all  change  in  time — is  fast  changing.  Eailroad 
communication  with  the  world  has  already  worked  won- 
ders, and  the  good  work  goes  on.  California  will  come  to 
pride  herself  upon  being  cosmopolitan  rather  than  Cali- 
fornian. Her  people  have  some  very  excellent  traits,  and 
the  bad  ones  grow  fewer  every  day.  San  Francisco  im- 
proved a  good  deal  while  I  was  out  there — it  ought  to 
have  improved  a  good  deal  faster  after  I  left,  and  I  hear 
that  it  has.  This  rejoices  me  so  much  that  I  have  no  pres- 
ent intention  of  revisiting  the  state  to  give  it  another  set- 
back. 


CHAPTER  LIII. 

A  FULL  AND  RELIABLE  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  GEEAT  SAN  FRANCISCO 
EARTHQUAKE  OF  OCT.  8tH  1865,  WRITTEN  THERE  AND  THEN. 

YOU  will  observe  that  my  pen  has  a  vibratory  motion 
from  east  to  west,  the  direction  in  which  it  is  generally 
conceded  that  our  earthquake  traveled.  But  my  mind  is 
clear  and  composed  as  a  maiden's,  after  prayer,  and  I  am 
enabled  to  turn  over  with  a  firm  and  critical  hand  the  events 
of  what  ought  to  have  been  the  Shakers'  Sunday — that  most 
tremulous  page  in  San  Francisco's  history.  Standing  aloof 
from  all  party  and  sectional  feeling,  not  intending  to  claim 
for  our  earthquake  any  merit  which  does  not  belong  to  it, 
and  determined  not  to  shear  it  of  one  jot  or  tittle  of  its  ter- 
rible power,  be  mine  the  task  to  chronicle  so  much  of  the 
visitation  as  passed  under  my  immediate  notice,  with  the 
fidelity  of  the  historian  and  the  calm  of  the  philosopher,  com- 
bined, perhaps,  with  the  serenity  of  one  who  is  not  a  tax- 
payer. 

It  is  recorded  of  the  elder  Pliny  that  when  Mount  Yesu- 
vius  began  to  belch  forth  its  flame  and  thunder,  heralding 
the  monstrous  ruin  which  swept  over  Ilerculaneum  and  Pom- 
peii, he  ordered  his  galleys  to  sea  and  steered  directly  for 
the  point  of  danger,  not  to  satisfy  an  idle  curiosity,  but  that 
posterity  might  benefit  by  his  observations.  lie  even  com- 
posed himself  to  sleep,  while  the  stones  and  ashes  fell  around 
liim,  and  was  actually  heard  to  snore.  Such  is  the  demeanor 
of  great  minds  in  the  presence  of  imminent  danger.  In  his 
touching  account  of  the  circumstances  of  his  uncle's  death 

393 


394:  BEFORE  THE  SHAKE. 

the  younger  Pliny  dilates  at  great  length  upon  his  sublime 
coolness,  and  insists  upon  the  snore.  It  has  never  been 
remarked,  to  my  knowledge,  that  I  resemble  in  personal 
appearance  either  of  the  Plinies,  but  in  my  behavior  on  the 
terrible  day  which  laid  any  number  of  bottles  in  ruins  and 
whitened  manly  cheeks  and  heads  with  the  dust  of  falling 
plaster,  I  trust  that  some  analogy  may  be  traced  to  the  phil- 
osophical indifference  which  characterized  the  demeanor  of 
the  above  mentioned  great  lights — the  Roman  candles,  so  to 
speak — of  antiquity,  in  this  time  of  tribulation. 

I  had  arisen  from  that  couch  whereon  it  is  my  custom  to 
sleep  the  sleep  of  the  virtuous  and  just,  and  was  meditatively 
pursuing  my  even  way  down  Montgomery  Street,  with  the 
intention  of  breakfasting  and  getting  shaved.  It  is  quite 
possible  that  a  listener  outside  of  my  door  a  few  minutes  earlier 
might  have  detected  me  in  a  snore,  for  I  am  rather  fat  and 
short  of  breath,  like  the  elder  Pliny,  Canavan,  Ben  "Wade, 
and  Dick  Ogden.  But  I  am  unaware  that  1  detected  any- 
thing peculiar  in  the  atmosphere.  Considerable  effluvia  were 
observable,  as  usual,  but  nothing  more,  and  this  being  the 
result  of  the  chronic  condition  of  the  streets,  no  remark  was 
excited.  The  banks  were  all  closed,  as  very  often  happens 
on  Sundays,  and  the  streets  were  comparatively  deserted, 
but  there  seemed  nothing  strange  in  this,  as  it  was  about  the 
hour  that  the  bulk  of  our  population  are  to  be  found  either 
at  free  lunch  tables  or  at  church.  No  portentous  cloud  over- 
hung the  city,  and  not  a  cobble  stirred  in  the  street.  Per- 
haps I  should  have  previously  mentioned  that  the  action  of 
this  story  is  supposed  to  take  place  at  about  a  quarter  to  one 
o'clock  p.  M. — I  was  going  to  say,  Greenwich  time,  but  Sand- 
wich time  is  better  when  the  hour  is  considered. 

On  the  corner  of  Montgomery  and  California  streets,  I 
met  an  old  friend,  concerned  with  me  in  the  ownership  an-d 
management  of  a  Mexican  mine.  We  stopped  for  a  moment 
and  indulged  in  a  little  conversation ;  I  do  not  remember  all 
its  details,  but  the  gist  of  it  was,  that  the  steamer  was  over- 
due.    The  hypothesis  that  she  was  loaded  down  with  bullion, 


A  LIVELY  SET.  395 

as  an  explanation  of  lier  delay,  was  not  advanced,  but  I  dis- 
tinctly remember  that  the  probability  and  propriety  of  an 
immediate  assessment,  as  the  result  of  her  arrival,  was  dis- 
cussed. We  separated  thereafter,  and  I  proceeded  on  my 
solitary  way,  wondering  how  many  persons  would  be  before 
me  at  the  barber's  and  what  it  would  be  best  to  have  for 
breakfast.  Between  California  and  Sacramento  streets  a 
friend  stopped  me  and  remarked  that  he  experienced  a  slight 
tremulousness,  but  this  I  attributed  to  the  fact  that  he  had 
not  taken  his  customary  cocktail,  and  my  surprise  at  the  dis- 
covery of  his  strange  forgetf ulness  brought  me  nearly  to  the 
corner  of  Sacramento  Street.  Here,  persons  were  swarming 
out  from  the  houses  like  bees  ;  the  street  was  full  before  the 
thirstiest  man  in  the  world  could  have  emptied  a  bowl  of 
buttermilk. 

1  was  a  rapid  and  rather  unwilling  witness  of  the  first  Bull 
Ptun  ;  on  that  eventful  and  ever  memorable  day  I  witnessed 
some  remarkable  feats  of  personal  activity — indeed,  I  am  not 
sure  that  I  did  not  display  some  myself^which  I  never 
thought  to  see  equaled ;  but  truth  compels  me  to  say  that 
such  a  general  getting  up  and  getting  as  there  was  on  this  Sun- 
day, 1  never  before  saw  and  never  expect  to  see  again.  The  rush 
seemed  to  be  up  Sacramento  Street  towards  Kearny.  There 
were  women,  children  and  men,  all  with  protruding  eyeballs 
and  hair  standing  on  end,  running,  and  looking  over  their 
shoulders  wliile  they  ran,  as  though  pursued  by  some  shape 
or  thing  of  horror. 

Seizing  a  Frenchman  by  the  arm,  I  asked  him  what  was 
the  matter.  Looking  mc  in  the  face  an  instant  he  shouted, 
"-iSacre  r  and  sped  on.  At  first  I  thought  he  fancied  that  I 
meant  to  ask  him  the  name  of  the  street,  and  that  starting  in 
to  say  Sacramento  he  had  forgotten  the  other  two  syllables,  but 
I  have  since  discovered  that  he  was  profane.  A  rattling  noise 
was  audible  down  the  street,  much  resembling  an  irregular 
fire  of  musketry,  and  glancing  in  that  direction  I  saw  Mhat 
appeared  to  be  smoke  rising  from  several  positions.  I  had 
heard  of  the  mythical  General  Quattlebum,  and  supposed  it 


396  THINGS  BEGIN  TO  BREAK. 

was  tliat  General  come  again.  It  seemed  not  unlikely  that 
some  great  and  sudden  riot  had  occurred  and  that  the  mili- 
tary were  firing  up  the  street  by  platoons. 

Just  then,  by  good  luck,  for  I  had  become  terribly  nervous 
and  anxious,  I  encountered  an  editor  of  my  acquaintance, 
bare  headed  and  spectacles  a  little  awry,  who  looked  at  me 
in  astonishment  when  I  asked  him  what  the  matter  was,  and 
replied,  "  Earthquake !"  The  noise  then,  that  I  heard  was 
the  falling  of  bricks  and  the  breaking  of  window-panes, 
while  the  smoke  was  the  rising  dust  from  the  falling  mortar 
and  rubbish  !  But  you  should  have  seen  the  surprised,  in- 
credulous faces  of  the  crowd  that  turned  out  of  the  houses 
when  they  learned  that  we  on  the  street  knew  nothing  of 
what  had  occurred  and  were  in  reality  innocent  in  our  ques- 
tions. They  could  not  but  believe  that  the  earth  had  upheaved 
in  great  waves,  and  that  chasms  yawned  on  every  side  appal- 
ling the  sight  of  passers-by  with  visions  of  fiery  and  sul- 
phurous depths.  Yet,  I  assure  you,  there  was  no  percepti- 
ble tremor  to  me,  and  I  am  uncertain  whether  to  set 
down  the  stories  about  pedestrians  being  thrown  flat  upon 
their  faces,  and  the  palpable  rippling  of  the  cobbles,  to  the 
effects  of  over-heated  imaginations  or  the  mysterious  work- 
ings of  the  shudder  which  ran  over  the  earth's  surface. 
Certainly  on  the  line  of  street  where  I  stood  the  shock 
was  most  violent,  throwing  down  parapet  walls  and  shat- 
tering glass  as  though  these  things  did  not  cost  money, 
and  I  ought  to  have  come  in  for  my  share  of  all  the  fun  that 
was  going.  Not  so,  however ;  and  friends  of  mine  who  also 
happened  to  be  standing  on  the  streets  in  various  parts  of  the 
city  assure  me  that  their  first  intimation  of  the  mischief  that 
was  afloat  came  from  seeing  people  rushing  bare  headed  and 
excited  from  their  houses. 

One  gentleman,  who  was  driving  among  the  sand-hills, 
tells  me  that  his  horse  was  nearly  prostrated,  and  that  his 
buggy  rocked  to  capsizing,  while  several  others,  who  were  on 
the  Cliff  House  road  at  the  time,  declare  that  they  knew 
nothing  of  the  earthquake  until  they  got  into  town.     So 


CHINA  IS  DAMAGED.  397 

many  conflicting  stones  are  told,  in  fact,  that  I  sometimes 
incline  to  believe  there  was  no  earthquake  at  all ;  but  the 
wrecks  to  be  met  with  at  odd  intervals  are  direct  proof  to 
the  contrary, 

I  do  know  that  patent  medicines  in  drug  stores  labeled 
"To  be  well  shaken  before  taken,"  were  shaken  to  the  floor; 
those  nuisances  known  as  tire-walls  were  toppled  to  the  ground, 
depositing  the  weightiest  kind  of  bricks  in  the  most  unaccus- 
tomed hats.  In  a  Chinese  alley  what  is  delicately  termed 
"  the  social  question  "  came  near  being  settled  by  the  entomb- 
ment of  all  the  residents.  "  Too  muchee  brickee  "  was  the 
universal  complaint,  one  poor  Celestial  being  crushed  almost 
to  the  consistency  of  bird's  nest  soup,  while  another  of  the 
female  persuasion  had  her  almond  eyes  battered  till  they  had 
the  size  and  look  of  English  walnuts.  Of  course  to  heal  the 
wounds  made  by  bricks,  plasters  were  applied — for  have  not 
bricks  and  plaster  gone  together  since  time  immemorial? 

The  effect  upon  babies  was  strange.  So  far  as  re])ort  may 
be  believed  and  my  observation  goes,  these  little  innocents 
were  turned  upside  down  in  their  mother's  arms  like  tin 
water-pots.  Probably  one  hundred  women  rushed  into  the 
streets  with  infants  clinging  to  their  necks  by  the  legs,  some- 
what as  gymnasts  hang  suspended  in  those  wonderful  feats 
upon  the  trapeze.  A  few  mothers  came  out  holding  the  lit- 
tle dears  up  in  the  air  by  one  leg  like  wet  dish  cloths  or 
skinned  frogs  prepared  for  the  griddle.  From  a  number  of 
bathing-rooms  the  exodus  is  said  to  have  been  curious  and  the 
revelations  astounding.  Susannah  and  the  elders  furnish  but 
a  faint  simile  of  the  dis]-»lay,  only  that  in  this  case  the  elders 
were  quite  as  badly  frightened  as  Susannah,  and  neither  had 
much  the  advantage  as  regarded  clothes.  Fortunately  I  have 
no  curiosity  !  Surely  the  fate  of  Act^eon  would  never  have 
been  mine.  Diana  had  still  been  laving  her  snow-white  limbs 
in  the  B(Eotian  fountain  for  all  the  intrusion  that  my  eyes 
would  have  ventured  upon  her  solitude,  and  for  that  forbear. 
ance,  still  would  my  cheery  call  to  the  hounds  be  heard  upon 
Mount  Cithaeron. 


39S  THE  CHURCHES  ROUSED  UP, 

It  lias  been  remarked  that  it  was  most  providential  that 
the  earthquake  did  not  come  upon  ns  at  night,  as  the  confu- 
sion must  then  have  resulted  in  a  great  loss  of  life.  To  my 
thinking  it  would  have  been  much  more  "  providential  "  had 
no  earthquake  come  upon  us  at  all.  But  the  multitude  do 
not  reason  in  this  way.  If  a  man  falls  from  a  four-story 
window  and  break  his  leg  only,  he  is  reminded  of  his  indebt- 
edness to  Providence  tliat  he  did  not  break  his  neck.  On 
the  other  hand,  if  he  do  not  fall  out  at  all  it  is  not  considered  that 
he  is  the  debtor  of  Providence  in  any  degree,  however  tri- 
flino-.  The  scene  in  the  various  churches  is  said  to  have  been 
appalling,  Grace  and  St.  Mary's  reminding  one  of  Mrs.  Brown- 
ing's lines  : — 

"  St  Peter's  Church  heaves  silently, 
Like  a  miglity  ship  in  pain." 

Only  that  in  this  instance  the  churches  did  not  "heave 
silently,"  their  monstrous  timbers,  on  the  contrary,  creaked 
overhead  like  the  rusty  hinges  of  doom,  while  the  great 
blocks  of  granite  of  which  their  walls  are  built  crushed  and 
ground  together  with  the  noise  of  millstones.  The  hotels 
emptied  themselves  of  their  inmates  at  doors  and  windows 
like  sieves.  It  is  related  of  one  guest  that  he  sprang  from 
the  lunch  table  on  to  an  adjoining  shed,  a  distance  of  forty- 
five  feet,  at  a  single  bound,  carrying  a  pie  in  his  mouth  the 
while  ;  so  if  not  faithful  to  his  trust,  it  may  at  least  be  written 
of  him  that  he  was  true  to  his  crust. 

Modesty  forbids  me  to  boast  of  the  time  I  should  have 
made  had  I  chanced  to  be  within  doors  when  the  crash  came, 
for  on  my  return  to  my  rooms  I  found  evidences  that  a  dis- 
turbance had  occurred  even  within  those  classic  chambers.  I 
have  always  been  an  admirer  of  Plato,  and  a  devout  believer 
in  his  soothing  and  satisfying  philosophy.  I  would  have 
been  content  to  forego  the  meretricious  advantages  and 
pleasures  of  the  present  age — so  that  I  might  have  walked 
with  Plato  in  his  garden  and  communed  with  the  gods.  And 
a  bust  of  Plato — cheap,  it  is  true,  but  stoutly  constructed, 


PLATONICS  IMPERILED.  399 

adorned  a  shelf  in  a  corner  of  my  chamber.  "Will  you 
believe  that  Plato  and  all  his  philosophy  were  overturned  at 
a  single  shock?  got  badly  "cracked."  You  will  perhaps 
remark  that  this  is  not  the  first  instance  in  which  a  single 
moment  has  sufficed  to  overthrow  Platonic  relations.  Then 
there  were  the  Gracchi,  whom  I  worship  as  the  most  consist- 
ent Agrarians  on  record.  A  statue  of  them  occupied  a  place 
upon  my  mantel-shelf  and  in  my  heart,  and  a  wealth  of  in- 
cense did  1  burn,  many  libations  did  I  pour  at  their  shrine, 
heathen  though  the  practice  might  be.  Alas !  they,  too, 
were  overthrown  and  lost  their  heads,  as  of  old.  Again 
there  were  two  porcelain  vases,  the  result  of  dealing  with 
a  man  who  perambulates  the  country  exchanging  Sevres 
china  and  other  objects  of  vertu  for  the  worst  of  old  clothes. 
These  were  wrecked.  1  do  not  so  seriously  regret  this  last 
loss,  for  the  fat  little  cherubim  in  blue  and  gold  upon  the 
exterior  of  the  vases  were  always  most  indecently  clad,  and  it 
gratifies  me  to  know  that  at  last  they  came  to  know  what 
breaches  are.  There  weie  a  number  of  books  jostled  down 
from  tlie  what-not,  but  many  of  these  were  abstruse  meta- 
physical works  and  would  probably  have  fallen  of  their  own 
weight,  even  had  there  been  no  earthquake.  They  tell  me 
that  the  house  settled  about  six  inches.  "Why  did  it  not  set- 
tle a  few  feet  further?  An  easier  way  of  settling  board-bills 
1  cannot  imagine. 

Immediately  after  our  earthquake  the  daily  papers  went 
earnestly  to  work  to  convince  peojjle  that  earthquakes  ai-e  tlie 
most  innocent  things  in  the  world,  that  they  are  to  be  looked 
upon  as  the  (Rverthsemenify  of  life  rather  than  otherwise, 
that  no  lives  have  been  lost  by  them,  and  never  can  be,  and 
that  San  Francisco  has  nothing  to  fear  from  them  in  any 
event.  You  will  pardon  mo  if  I  remark  that  I  don't  sec  it. 
Cities  in  earthquake  countries  may  be  looked  u])i)n  as  ships 
at  sea — they  sink  but  once.  These  milder  yearnings  of  the 
terrestrial  bowels  are  light  squalls  perhaps,  but  they  at  least 
indicate  capacity  for  a  storm,  and  of  that  storm  who  is  to 
])redict  the  result?     In  an  earthquake,  a  city  is  very  mncli 


400  WHAT  THE  FUTURE  MAY  BRING  FORTH. 

like  a  ship  in  a  storm — safety  is  simply  a  question  of  the  vio- 
lence and  duration  of  the  disturbance  of  the  elements,  and 
here  we  have  something  that  cannot  be  measured  or  estima- 
ted until  all  is  over. 

This  earthquake  was  much  more  violent  than  any  that  pre- 
ceded it — there  was  no  reason  that  I  know  of  why  it  should 
have  been  so,  but  it  was.  And  again,  there  is  no  reason  that 
I  know  of  why  some  other  one  should  not  be  just  as  much 
more  violent  than  this,  as  this  was  than  preceding  ones.  And 
whenever  one  does  come  a  little  stronger  and  longer,  you 
may  safely  bet  that  very  few  stones  will  be  left  on  one 
another  of  all  this  city  of  San  Francisco.  A  few  seconds 
more,  or  a  little  more  violence,  of  vibration,  on  the  part  of 
our  Sunday  visitor,  and  it  is  highly  probable  that  Mr.  Macau- 
lay's  Sandwich  Islander  would  now  be  sitting  on  a  broken 
arch  of  Long  Bridge,  wondering  where  Montgomery  Street 
could  be,  while  a  younger  Paul  might  be  writing  the  account 
of  the  remai'kable  convulsion  which  you  now  get  from  the 
pen  of  the  elder  Paul,  direct. 


CHAPTER  Liy. 

THE   SEA-LIONS   OF    SAN  FKANCISCO. 

CHIEF  among  the  lions  of  San  Francisco,  and  always 
shown  to  the  stranger,  are  the  sea-lions.  All  tourists 
mention  them,  and  I  would  be  deficient  in  the  first  and 
finest  instincts  of  a  book  maker  if  I  neglected  this  opportu- 
nity of  pasting  in  a  few  paragraphs,  which  ought  to  be  ready 
to  hand,  as  I  have  been  saving  them  up  against  some  such 
occasion  ever  since  they  were  first  written,  in  the  year  of  the 
great  Sacramento  flood. 

To  see  the  sea-lions  you  drive  out  to  the  Cliff  House,  a 
comfortable  verandahed  little  hotel  at  the  end  of  the  Point 
Lobos  Turnpike,  perclied  up  like  a  lookout-box  on  the  sum- 
mit of  a  cliff,  at  whose  base  breaks  the  ocean,  murmuring 
ever  its  eternal  monotone.  When  the  wind  blows  from  the 
southwest,  the  waves  come  in  with  a  dasli  and  surge  to  which 
thunder  becomes  a  poor  and  pale  sound  in  comparison.  The 
solid  earth  shakes  in  its  bed  for  a  half  mile  round  as  thou(i:h 
all  the  giants  of  the  olden  mythology  were  swinging  tlieir 
great  hammers  and  l)lowing  the  fires  of  their  subterranean 
forges,  and  then  it  is  good  to  be  there — one  obtains,  for  per- 
haps tiie  first  time  in  life,  an  adequate  understanding  of  the 
forces  of  nature  and  the  utter  insignificance,  comparatively, 
of  any  element  which  man  can  control. 

The  view  seaward  from  the  balcony  of  the  Cliff  House,  is 

unbroken.     Far  in  the  distance,  on  clear  days,  you  can  see 

the  Farralone  Islands,  the  intervening  space  dotted  with  the 

white  sails  of  commerce.     A  few  rods  from  the  shore  lie  the 

26  401 


402  SCENES  ON  THE  "SEAL  ROCKS." 

"  seal-rocks ;"  upon  the  seal-rocks  lie  the  sea-lions,  and  they  are 
worth  traveling  miles  to  see.  The  sea-lions,  as  probably  nearly 
every  one  is  aware,  are  a  sort  of  seal  of  exaggerated  size  and 
deep  bass  voices.  They  have  acquired  their  vocal  peculiari- 
ties by  a  long  pitching  of  their  voices  to  the  song  the  sea  sings 
when  it  breaks  at  the  doors  of  their  caves;  of  them  it  may 
be  emphatically  written  that  their  bark  is  on  the  sea.  I  once 
suggested  to  the  proprietor  of  the  Cliif  House,  that  it  would 
be  a  neat  thing  to  erect  over  his  gates  the  sign  L.  S.,  for  it 
was  indeed  locus  sigili — the  Place  of  the  Seal — and  he  at 
once  acted  on  the  hint  by  having  L.  S.  engraved  on  all 
bis  glasses  and  table-ware,  and  taking  all  the  credit  of  the 
idea  to  himself. 

It  may  be  that  the  reader  remembers  the  sea-lion  at  Bar- 
num's  Museum,  many  years  ago,  chiefly  distinguished  for  his 
inordinate  love  of  fish,  a  number  of  domestic  virtues,  and  a 
bad  breath,  who  was  kept  in  a  tank  of  sea  water,  in  and  out 
from  which  he  would  flounder  with  an  air  of  intense  enjoy- 
ment. "Well,  from  the  doors  of  the  hotel,  thousands  of  these 
buge  creatures  may  be  seen  disporting  on  the  "  seal-rocks."  Be- 
tween these  rocks  and  the  Farralones  they  make  regular  trips, 
like  mail  steamers.  Fish  and  bird  eggs  constitute  their  chief 
diet,  but  perhaps  they  would  not  turn  disdainfully  from  a  young 
bird  if  it  fell  in  their  way.  Birds'  nesting  is  a  favorite  sport 
with  them,  and  they  excel  in  it.  No  chamois  hunter  could 
go  up  tlie  crags  of  Switzerland  with  more  ease  than  they 
climb  these  jagged  rocks,  for  all  their  short-leggedness.  But 
the  boobies  and  pelicans  would  out  general  them  if  they  fol- 
lowed the  fashion  of  land  birds  in  nest  building,  for  the  most 
active  seal  would  find  it  rather  difficult,  I  imagine,  to  climb 
a  tree.  It  may  have  been  a  "  wise  man,  which  built  his  house 
upon  a  rock,"  but  wise  birds  now-a-days  build  in  the  inacces- 
sible tops  of  mountain  pines. 

They  cluster  about  on  the  rocks,  these  seals  do,  like  bees 
preparing  to  swarm.  Sometimes  they  lie  three  deep,  floun- 
dering over  each  other,  and  cutting  amphibious  pigeon-wings 
in  the  awkwardest  way  imaginable.     And  they  have  some 


THE  BEN  BUTLER  OF  OCEAN.  403 

of  the  funniest  ceremonies  ever  were  witnessed.  "Whenever 
a  new  comer  lands  on  the  rock  the  youngest  and  fairest  of 
the  occupants  go  down  to  welcome  him.  Owing  to  an  un- 
fortunate shortness  of  reach  but  little  embracino^  or  huirscino: 
is  done,  but  they  make  it  up  in  kissing,  rubbing  their  noses  to- 
gether sometimes  for  half  an  hour  at  a  time.  In  their  prom- 
enades along  the  rock  they  do  not  walk  arm-in-arm  at  all;  in- 
stead tliey  pat  each  other  reciprocally  on  the  back  with  their 
fins,  and  deal  out  such  other  tokens  of  esteem  as  we  can  imag- 
ine that  engaged  sea-lions  would.  So  near  are  they  to  the  house 
that  with  the  aid  of  a  spy-glass  their  features  may  be  recog- 
nized and  the  color  of  their  eyes  told. 

There  is  one  among  them,  an  immense  creature,  spanning 
probably  four  feet  across  the  shoulders,  a  cock-eyed  old 
fellow,  with  a  lower  jaw  twisted  askew,  and  a  voice  like  a 
boatswain's,  Mdio  has  been  christened  Ben  Butler.  He  is  cross- 
eyed and  terribly  cross.  He  never  hurries  of  mornings  to  se- 
cure a  good  place  on  the  rocks  ;  he  is  sure  of  one  in  any  event. 
No  matter  how  thickly  other  fellows  may  lie  in  his  path, 
they  make  way  for  him  as  he  comes  floundering  up  from  his 
morning  bath.  Talk  of  Diana  when  surprised  by  Actaeon 
in  the  stream,  or  of  Yenus  rising  from  her  bath,  the  sight 
could  be  nothing  compared  with  that  of  Ben  Butler,  for  he  is 
bigger  than  Diana  and  all  her  nymphs  together,  or  than 
Venus  Ai)lirodite  and  all  her  lovers  rolled  into  one.  He 
gives  a  roar,  and  the  other  fellows  get  out  of  the  way. 
No  respecter  is  he  of  age  or  persons,  nothing  cares  he  for 
rank  or  the  adventitious  distinctions  of  wealth — he  turns  a 
gray-headed  patriarch  out  of  his  chair  as  coolly  as  he  dis- 
misses a  young  seal  from  his  stool. 

He  is  in  favor  of  severe  measures  on  all  occasions,  and 
confiscates  everything  within  his  reach.  But  he  is  bold  a& 
Lucifer,  and  when  the  heavy  nor'west  blows  come,  and  the 
sea  rolls  in  with  the  roar  of  tlnunlcr,  dashing  the  si)ray  over 
the  top-gallant  rocks  until  it  flies  far  inland  like  snow-flakes, 
and  making  the  house  and  the  cliffs  upon  which  it  is  built 
tremble  to  their  deep  foundations — then  it  is,  when  all  the 


404  SEEKING  THE  SEARING'S  DAUGHTER. 

weak  ones  crawl  to  the  leeward  of  the  rock,  and  lie  pros- 
trate  in  trembling  and  fear,  that  my  Gen.  Butler  takes  the 
weather  side.  Heaving  his  great  head  and  shoulders  out  in 
relief  against  the  stormy  sky,  he  emulates  the  bull  of 
Phalaris  in  his  roarings,  till  the  elements  sometimes  feel  their 
impotence,  and  for  the  moment  become  dumb.  His  harem 
watch  him  with  wondering  and  admiring  eyes,  and  occasion- 
ally one  of  them  struggles  up  to  cheer  him  in  his  loneliness, 
but  no  !  The  hirsute  Mars  repels  the  advances  of  the  equally 
hairy  Yenus,  and  back  she  slinks  shamefaced  and  rebuffed, 
among  the  others  of  the  sea-raglio.  He  is  King  of  the  Kocks 
and  is  said  to  be  immensely  wealthy.  If  common  report 
may  be  believed,  the  Farralone  Islands  belong  to  him — he 
certainly  makes  free  with  the  eggs  there,  and  disregards  the 
vested  rights  of  the  Egg  Company. 

Like  Jeptha,  too,  this  Sea-king  has  a  daughter.  I^o  one 
has  ever  been  near  enough  to  her  to  describe  her  save  one, 
:and  this  was  an  inebriated  mariner  and  his  manuscript  was 
«o  illegible  that  it  has  never  been  very  certainly  known 
whether  he  intended  to  say  "  she  is  fair  "  or  "  she  has  hair," 
so  that  this  point  must  forever  remain  enveloped  in  as  much 
obscurity  as  the  color  of  Helen's  eyes.  The  young  mariner 
referred  to  was  enamored  of  the  sea-lioness  and  desirous  of 
contracting  a  matrimonial  alliance.  He  had  discovered  not 
only  that  she  was  heiress  of  the  Farralones  and  all  the  ocean 
between  them  and  the  Sandwich  Islands,  but  also  that  she 
had  "  feet "  (it  is  by  feet  that  wealth  is  reckoned  on  the 
Pacific  Coast) — he  saw  these  latter  exposed  one  day  when 
she  was  rolling  off  a  rock.  So  he  made  overtures  to  her. 
He  wrote  her  lines,  which  Tennyson,  the  poet  laureate  of 
England,  parodied  into  a  greeting  to  Alexandra — Albert 
Edward's  wife.     These  are  the  lines : — 

A  GREETING  TO   LEONANA. 

Sea-lion's  daughter  from  over  the  sea, 

Leonana. 
Hungry  and  dusty  and  dry  are  we, 
But  bibulous  all  in  our  welcome  to  thee, 

Leonana. 


THE  FATE  OF  THE  SEEKER.  405 

Welcome  her,  Cliff  House — and  Foster,  stand  treat! 
Welcome  her,  turnpike,  and  welcome  her,  street ! 
Welcome  her,  boys — she's  youthful  and  sweet ! 
Crown  her  with  roses — she's  young  and  has  feet! 
Break,  happy  lovers,  a-buying  her  flowers! 
Make  juleps,  0  John,  and  bring  to  us  ours ! 
Warble  her,  Fremont,  and  trumpet  her,  Blair ! 
She's  no  "  wooly  'orse,"  but  an  "  airess  with  air — " 
Farralone  egg-men,  look  from  your  towers ; 
Out  on  the  headlands  carry  a  chair; 
Ask  her  to  stay  with  us  till  she  is  dryer ! 
Don't  hang  her  fur  garments  too  near  to  the  fire ! 
But  welcome  her,  welcome  the  land's  desire, 

Leonana. 
Sea-lion's  daughter,  "  more  happy  as  fair," 
We'll  give  you  a  barber  to  do  up  your  hair! 
Bride  of  the  seal  and  hair  of  the  sea, 
Joy  to  the  beach  whereon  thou  art  thrown, 
Come  to  us,  love  us,  and  make  us  your  own. 
For  hungry  or  thirsty  or  dusty  we, 
Bummer  or  broker,  whatever  we  be, 
We  are  all  dry  enough  to  drink  to  thee, 

Leonana. 

The  tradition  goes  on  to  say  that  the  suit  of  the  young 
mariner  was  rejected.  The  lioness  was  favorable,  but  her 
parents  objected.  In  consequence  the  suitor  threw  himself 
into  tlie  sea.  llis  body  was  washed  ashore  at  Point  Lobos 
and  the  coroner  made  a  small  fortune  by  sitting  on  it  several 
times  over.  This  was  in  the  early  days  of  San  Francisco, 
before  such  things  were  fairly  systematized.  The  Foster 
alluded  to  in  the  verses  was  the  foster-father  of  the  sea- 
lioness,  but  he  has  since  risen,  by  great  economy  and  small 
charges — making  no  charges  at  all,  in  fact,  but  insisting  on 
cash  payment  in  all  cases— to  be  the  proprietor  of  the  Clili 
House  and  the  seals. 


CHAPTEE  LY. 

SHOWING  HOW  IT  FEELS  TO  BRING  OUT   A   NEW   PLAY   AND   HAVE 
YOUK    HEAVY   VILLAIN   AND   LEADING   MAN    BOTH   DKUNK. 

ONCE  in  mj  life — during  my  residence  in  San  Francisco, 
in  fact,  I  wrote  a  play — it  was  not  a  very  ambitious 
attempt,  merely  a  little  comedy  in  three  acts,  local  in  scene, 
and  of  course  dependent  in  a  great  degree  npon  tlie  accom- 
panying dialogue  for  success.  It  was  accepted  and  placed  in 
rehearsal  for  immediate  production.  The  manager  expressed 
himself  as  pleased,  and  refused  to  avail  himself  of  the  liberty 
to  cut  and  prune  at  pleasure  offered  him  by  the  author — all 
was  crisp  and  sparkling,  he  said,  and  not  a  line  could  be 
spared.  As  regarded  the  scenes,  he  did  not  think  worth 
while  to  suggest  any  alterations — their  arrangement  was 
admirable.  Better  than  all,  the  principal  performers  were 
pleased  with  their  parts!  So  far  so  good;  the  piece  was 
cast,  rehearsals  were  had,  and  all  went  merry  as  two  or  three 
marriage  bells. 

A  rehearsal,  by  the  way,  is  not  peculiarly  gratifying  to  a 
young  author.  To  see  his  heroine  eating  cheese  and  his  king 
with  a  cold  sausage  in  his  mouth,  scarcely  seems  in  keeping 
with  the  dramatic  unities.  One  lady  perhaps  is  mumbling 
over  words  of  sentiment  and  passion  in  a  half-inaudible 
voice  to  a  lover  who  stands  picking  his  teeth  and  yawning 
frightfully  while  he  requests  his  dearest  to  fly  to  his  arms  ; 
there  is  neither  scenery  nor  properties  upon  the  stage,  a 
flower-stand  is  represented  by  an  empty  soap-box,  a  harp  by 
a  three-legged  stool.     All  read  or  recite  their  parts  listlessly 

40G 


IN  REHEARSAL.  407 

through,  not  seeming  to  much  care  wliere  they  begin,  or 
where  they  leave  off,  or  what  expression  the  author  intended 
to  convey  by  his  words.  But  still  you  have  an  idea  that  all 
this  will  be  changed  M'hen  the  eventful  night  of  representa- 
tion comes ;  then  the  walls  now  naked  will  be  clothed  with 
damask  and  silken  hangings ;  green  trees  and  brown  rocks 
will  blossom  over  the  present  wilderness  of  pine  floor,  and  a 
corresponding  change  will  be  effected  in  the  appearance  of 
the  ladies  and  gentlemen.  Isabella,  in  her  brocade  gown, 
will  disdain  cheese  and  its  accompaniments,  while  Ferdinand 
will  look  wholly  innocent  of  stale  sausage.  And  when  one 
actor  trips  over  another's  legs,  or  over  your  own  text,  you 
generously  refrain  from  comment,  and  fondly  trust  that  it 
will  all  be  right  when  the  real  occasion  occurs.  You  notice 
with  gratification  that  each  rehearsal  is  an  improvement  on 
its  predecessor,  and  you  blush  with  a  feeling  of  pleasurable 
pride  when  you  see  that  a  dim  idea  of  what  you  mean  is 
dawning  upon  your  actor's  mind,  and  that  he  occasionally 
manages  to  bring  one  of  your  points  out.  The  scenery  is 
dropping  in  huge  slices  from  under  the  hands  of  the  painter, 
and  you  begin  to  chuckle  to  yourself  as  you  say  : — 

"  If  these  things  are  done  in  the  jrrnen  leaf, 
Say  what  shall  he  douu  in  the  dry  ?" 

Still  there  is  a  feeling  of  nervousness  about  you,  and  you 
wish  the  first  night  were  well  and  successfully  over.  For 
you  see  that  the  whole  thing  has  passed  out  of  your  own 
hands  and  lies  entirely  at  the  mercy  of  others.  This  actor  is 
a  stick  at  best — but  it  has  been  necessary  to  trust  him  with  a 
rather  important  part.  He  hasn't  an  ounce  of  brains,  and 
couldn't  supply  a  word  to  save  his  life,  if  he  found  one  sud- 
denly wanting;  but  you  cling  to  the  assurance  that  he  has  a 
parrot-like  talent,  and  will  repeat  the  words  written  for  liim 
with  t^ome  fidelity,  though  without  either  emphasis  or  action. 
Another  <;»ne  is  a  tall,  lank  genius,  accustomed  to  ])C  guyed, 
but  the  worst  that  Ofcurs  to  you  is  thathemay  got  frightened 
and  break  down.  The  idea  of  his  or  anybody's  getting  drunk 
never  enters  your  innocent  head. 


408  THE  FIRST  NIGHT  COMES. 

"Well,  tlie  eventful  night  comes.  The  newspapers  have  spok- 
en favorably  in  their  premonitory  notices,  the  town  has  been 
well  billed,  and  to  your  great  gratification,  you  see  the  house 
gradually  filling,  and  filling,  until  you  regret  that  you  have 
not  a  larger  building  for  the  accommodation  of  the  crowd. 
You  fear  that  they  will  sit  uncomfortably,  and  that  the  heat 
and  jam  will  prevent  them  from  fully  enjoying  the  treat  you 
have  prepared  for  them.  But  it  is  too  late  to  remedy  that 
difficulty  now.  To  put  your  audience  into  good  humor,  you 
have  prepared  a  prologue,  distributing  actors  around  the 
Louse,  personating  different  characters,  so  that  when  the  stage 
manager  appears  with  his  set  speech,  regretting  there  can  be 
no  production  of  the  new  play  that  evening,  owing  to  the 
defection  of  principal  artists,  these  fictitious  characters  arise 
and  protest,  and  remonstrate,  finally  ofiering  to  step  forward 
and  take  the  missing  parts  themselves.  This  is  a  little  sur- 
prise for  the  people,  and  you  are  doubtful  whether  they  will 
take  it  pleasantly  or  not.  The  prologue  begins,  and  goes  on 
60  naturally  that  you  tremble,  for  the  audience  take  part  in 
the  discussion,  and  some  of  them  rise  to  leave  the  house. 

But  by-and-by  a  suspicion  of  the  sell  pervades  the  popular 
mind,  and  the  local  hits  and  allusions  tell,  bringing  boisterous 
applause.  And  the  curtain  rings  up  on  the  first  act  to  a  sat- 
isfied but  excited  and  expectant  audience.  All  progresses 
finely,  and  you  are  congratulating  yourself  upon  your  good 
luck,  when  your  eye  falls  upon  one  of  the  players,  cast  for  a 
prominent  part,  leaning  up  against  one  of  the  wings,  with  a 
flushed  face,  a  most  unsteady  and  thick  tongue,  and  altogether 
suggesting  the  idea  of  a  man  who  would  scarcely  do  justice 
to  your  dialogue.  And  you  remember  that  a  few  minutes 
before  you  saw  him  standing  in  the  door  of  an  adjoining 
Baloon,  and  that  he  hiccupped  out  an  invitation  to  drink, 
which  you  declined  with  a  very  distinct  impression  that  it  was 
about  time  for  him  to  be  getting  upon  the  stage.  And  seeing 
liim  now  in  this  condition  your  heart  indeed  fails  you,  for 
you  had  misgivings  at  the  first  and  protested  against  him, 
tliough  a  suspicion  of  such  a  contretemj)s  as  the  present  was 


A  LIGHT  IDIOT  AND  HEAVY  VILLAIN  ARE  DRUNK.      409 

very  far  from  your  tliought.  Ton  knew  in  the  beginning 
•that  he  was  scarcely  competent  to  play  the  role  of  Yorick's 
skull  in  Hamlet,  when  sober,  and  now  you  ask  yourself  what 
can  he  do  when  drunk.  But  he  goes  on  and  manages  to 
blunder  through  his  first  scene  tolerably  well. 

In  Act  the  Second,  you  suddenly  discover  that  another  char- 
acter, who  then  enters  for  the  first  time,  has  succeeded  in  get- 
ting outrageously  and  stupidly  drunk.  Ungainly,  awkward, 
and  stupid  at  best,  he  is  so  conditioned  a  spectacle  for  men 
and  gods.  And  now  the  horror  begins,  the  slaughter  of  the 
Innocent  commences.  jS^ot  one  line  in  ten  of  your  composi- 
tion do  these  beauties  speak,  not  even  giving  the  other  actors 
their  cues,  and  throwing  the  whole  stage  into  confusion.  In 
a  parlor  scene  the  leading  man,  cast  for  the  part  of  a  gentle- 
man, on  the  principle  probably  of  in  vino  Veritas  comports 
himself  like  a  drunken  blackguard. 

Again,  in  a  descriptive  scene  where  everything  depends 
upon  the  dialogue,  he  sits  in  a  maudlin  state,  driveling  out 
his  own  drunken  nonsense  by  the  yard,  and  not  speaking  a 
word  that  you  wrote  for  him,  until  the  audience,  Avearicd  of 
his  "  m'  dea-(hic)-fel-(hic)-r,"  show  sibilant  symptoms.  But 
bad  as  he  is,  the  other  drunken  fool  is  worse.  He  is  the 
"  Heavy  Villain  "  of  the  piece,  and  a  heavy  villain  he  is  indeed. 
In  putting  an  opiate  into  his  victim's  glass  he  marches  up  to 
him  and  deliberately  pours  it  out  under  his  very  nose,  and 
when  the  drugged  chalice  has  been  commended  to  his  own 
lips  and  he  should  fall  back  in  a  stupor,  he  rolls  from  his 
chair  like  a  porpoise  and  lies  grunting  and  contorting  on  the 
floor.  The  manager  and  the  sober  ones  are  in  despair, 
but  the  |)lay  must  go  on.  So  with  spasms  and  convulsive 
shudders  the  scenes  drag  their  slow  length  along,  the  mana- 
ger whispering  to  the  Heavy  Yillain  to  keep  his  drunken 
tongue  still,  and  he  will  speak  his  lines  for  him,  but  still  the 
II.  V.  goes  on,  skipping  over  the  level  plain  of  the  kings 
English  like  an  intoxicated  kangaroo. 

By-and-by,  while  a  sea-side  scene  is  on,  a  thundering  noise 
and  rumpus  is  heard  at  the  wings.     The  audience  think  that 


410  YOU  RETIRE  FROM  THE  STAGE  IN  SORROW. 

a  storm  at  sea  is  being  represented,  but  it  is  only  your  Heavy 
Villain  getting  "  licked."  lie  has  insulted  one  of  the  ladies, 
and  her  sweetheart  has  knocked  him  down  and  pummeled  him ; 
in  consequence  he  comes  on  in  the  next  act  with  a  black  eye. 
He  had  complained  in  the  early  part  of  the  piece  that  he 
couldn't  get  his  cue.  It  is  some  satisfaction  for  you  to  know 
that  he  has  at  least  gotten  it  well  kicked,  but  two  drunken  men 
on  one  stage  at  the  same  time  pi'ove  too  much  for  your  nerves 
and  you  leave,  muffling  your  face  to  avoid  recognition  as  the 
author.  For  you  discover  that  the  audience  have  not  found 
out  how  disgracefully  drunk  two  of  the  characters  are,  and 
that  they  actually  believe  you  to  be  the  author  of  every 
unconnected,  disjointed  line  that  has  been  spoken.  You 
leave  the  theatre  because  you  do  not  wish  to  have  the  crime 
of  murder  on  your  soul,  though  you  could  cut  a  couple  of 
throats  with  truly  Christian  grace  and  no  immediate  com- 
punctions of  conscience.  It  is  some  satisfaction  to  think  that 
the  Heavy  Yillain  has  been  licked,  but  you  feel  that  the  meas- 
ure fell  far  short  of  his  due.  And  you  think,  as  you  draw 
your  nightcap  over  your  venerable  gray  hairs,  that  you  will 
never  again  place  yourself  at  the  mercy  of  drunken,  disrepu- 
table blackguards.  And,  when  you  read  the  criticisms  in  the 
next  morning's  papers,  in  which  friends  who  read  your  play 
in  manuscript,  with  hearty  approval,  and  ought  to  know  that 
your  lines  were  not  spoken,  remark  upon  the  "  weakness  of 
the  dialogue" — you  quietly  resolve  to  wait  patiently  until  one 
of  them  brings  out  a  play  under  similar  circumstances,  and 
then  do  him  justice,  ^ 


CHAPTER    LYI. 

WHAT   A   LITTLE   BOY   THOUGHT   ABOUT   THINGS. 

SOME  years  ago,  when  employed  as  associate  editor  on  the 
Evangelist,  it  occurred  to  me  that  it  would  be  a  good 
idea  to  invite  children  to  contribute  to  a  column  to  be 
called  "  The  Children's  Corner."  So  I  invited  contributions. 
The  annexed  composition  was  among  the  first  that  came  in, 
but  as  the  senior  editor  objected  to  its  tone,  it  was  not  pub- 
lished in  the  Evangelist.  I  only  print  it  now  to  illustrate  the 
natural  depravity  of  boys  and  show  how  shocking  original 
sin  is,  when  neither  divided  off  into  sentences  or  properly 
punctuated ;  boys  take  to  depravity  as  naturally  as  ducks  do 
to  mud,  let  me  remark,  but  little  girls  are  born  into  good- 
ness, and  have  no  evil  in  them — till  they  grow  up. 

"  I  am  a  little  boy  about  so  many  years  old,  I  don't  know 
whether  I'm  a  good  little  boy,  but  I'm  afraid  not,  for  some- 
times I  do  wicked  things,  and  once  I  cut  sister's  kitten's  tail 
off  with  the  chopping-knife  and  told  her  that  a  big  dog  came 
along  and  bit  it  off  and  swallowed  it  down  before  poor  kitty 
could  say  Jack  Kobinson,  and  sister  said  she  was  sorry  and 
it  must  have  been  a  very  naughty  dog,  but  my  mother  didn't 
believe  me,  and  said  she  was  afraid  I  had  told  a  lie,  and  Tm 
afraid  I  had,  so  then  she  asked  me  if  I  knew  where  liars 
went  to,  and  I  said  yes,  that  they  went  to  Kcw  York  and 
wrote  for  the  newspapers,  and  she  said  no,  that  they  went 
to  the  l)ad  i)lace  where  there  was  nothing  but  a  lake  of  fire 
and  brimstone,  and  she  asked  me  if  I  would  like  to  go  there, 
and  I  said  no,  for  I  did  not  think  tlicrc'd  be  much  skating  and 

411 


412  WOULDN'T  LIKE  TO  BE  A  NANGEL. 

sliding;  on  that  lake,  and  the  boys  couldn't  snowball  each 
other  ashore,  and  she  said  that  it  was  worse  than  that,  just 
as  though  that  wasn't  bad  enough,  for  1  don't  think  they  can 
play  base  ball  either,  and  then  she  asked  me  if  I  wouldn't 
like  to  be  a  nangel  and  have  a  harp,  and  I  said  no,  I  had 
rather  be  a  stage-driver  and  have  a  big  drum,  for  I  could  not 
play  on  the  other  thing,  I  shouldn't  like  to  be  a  nangel,  for 
their  wings  must  be  in  the  way  when  they  go  in  swimming, 
and  play  tag  and  leap-frog,  and  besides,  it  must  be  hard  to 
fly,  when  one  aint  used  to  it,  but  it  would  be  jolly  to  be  a 
stage-driver,  and  have  a  long  whip,  and  touch  up  the  leaders, 
and  say  g'lang  there,  what  are  you  doing  of,  I  should  like 
that  much  better  than  flying,  and  then  mother  said  that 
there  was  a  dreadful  stage  of  sin,  and  brother  Bob  hollered 
out  and  said  he  guessed  I  was  on  it,  and  then  she  whipped 
us  and  sent  us  to  bed  without  any  supper  but  I  didn't  care 
about  supper,  for  they  hadn't  anything  but  bread  and  butter 
for  tea,  and  Bob  and  I  got  up  and  he  lifted  me  in  at  the  buttery 
window,  and  we  got  a  mince-pie  and  a  whole  hat-full  of  dough- 
nuts, and  they  thought  it  was  the  cook  stole  'em,  and  sent 
her  away  next  day,  and  Bob  said  he  was  glad  of  it,  for  she 
didn't  make  good  pies,  and  the  doughnuts  wasn't  fried 
enough,  and  sometimes  I  swear,  for  I  said  by  golly  the 
other  day,  and  sister  heard  me,  and  she  told  mother,  and 
mother  said  I  was  a  bad  boy  and  would  bring  her  gray  hairs 
to  the  grave,  and  she  whipped  me,  but  I  don't  think  that  did 
her  gray  hairs  any  good,  and  it  hurt  me,  and  when  I  got  up 
stairs  I  said  gol  darn  it,  but  I  said  it  so  she  didn't  hear  mc, 
and  when  she  asked  me  if  I  didn't  think  I  was  very  wicked  I 
said  1  was  afraid  I  M^as,  and  I  was  sorry  for  it,  and  wouldn't 
do  so  no  more,  and  then  she  said  I  was  a  good  little  boy, 
and  told  me  about  George  "Washington  who  cut  down  the 
apple  tree,  and  was  caught  at  it,  and  owned  up  and  said  he 
did  it  with  his  little  hatchet,  just  as  though  I  hadn't  heard 
about  it  before,  and  didn't  always  think  that  he  was  a  great 
muggins  for  cutting  wood  when  they  had  a  hired  man  about 
the  house,  and  dulling  his  little  hatchet,  and  besides  it  would 


NO  AMBITION  TO  BE  G.  WASHINGTON,  EITHER.        413 

have  been  a  great  deal  jollier  to  let  the  tree  be,  so  lie  could 
a  stole  apples  off  it  in  the  foil,  and  I  don't  care  if  he  was  the 
Father  of  the  Country,  he  wasn't  smart,  and  I'll  just  bet  you 
that  the  boys  at  our  school  would  cheat  him  out  of  his  eye- 
teeth  swopping  jack-knives,  and   1  could  lick  hiiu  and  not 
morn'n'ttry,  andldon't  think  he   was  healthy  either,  for  I 
never  saw  a  good  little  boy  that  wasn't  sick  and  had  the 
mumps  and  the  measles  and  scarlet  fever  and  wasn't  a  cough- 
ing all  the  while  and  hadn't  to  take  castor  oil,  and  tar-water, 
and  couldn't  eat  cherries,  and  didn't  have  to  have  his  head 
patted  till  all  the  hair  was  rubbed  off  by  everybody  that 
came  to  his  mother's,  and  be  asked  how  old  he  was,  and  who 
died  to   save   sinners,  and  what  he  had   been    studying   at 
school,  and  how  far  he'd  got  and  lots  of  other  conundrums, 
and  have  to  say  his  catechism,  no  I  shouldn't  like  to  be  a 
good  little  boy,  I'd  just  as  lief  be  a  nangel  and  have  done 
with  it,  but  I  don't  think  I  shall  ever  be  a  good  little  boy, 
and  other  people  don't  think  so  too,  for  I  wasn't  never  called 
a  good  little  boy  but  once,  and  that  w-as  when  Uncle  John 
asked  me   where   I    stood    in    my  class,  and  I  told  him  I 
was   next   to    the   head,  and   he   said   that   was   right,  and 
he  gave  me  a  quarter,  and  then  he  asked   me  how  many 
boys   there   was   in    the   class,   and  1  told   him   there  was 
only  two,  myself  and  a  little  girl,  and  then  he  wanted  me  to 
give  him  back  the  quarter,  and  I  wouldn't  and  he  run  after 
me  and  stumbled  over  a  chair,  and  broke  his  cane,  and  hurt 
himself,  and  he's  been  lame  gvcr  since,  and  I'm  glad  of  it, 
for  he   isn't  my  father,  and  hasn't  got  no  right  to  lick  me, 
for  I  get  enough  of  that  at  home,  and  the  quarter  wasn't  a 
good  one  neither,  I  don't  like  Uncle  John,  and  I  guess  he 
knows  it,  for  he  says  that  I  aiut  like  any  of  the  family,  and 
he  expects  I'll  go  to  sea  and  be  a  i)irate  instead  of  a  rcsjjecta- 
ble  member  of  society,  and  I  shouldn't  wonder,  lor  I'd  rather 
be  a  pirate  nt^r  a  soap-ljoilcr  like  him,  and  I  don'l  caic  il  he 
is  rich,  it's  a  nasty  business,  and  I  shan't  have  to  be  a  pirate 
either,  for  one  can  make  lots  of  money  without  that,  they're 
always  talking  to  me  about  being  rich,  and  respectable,  and 


414       BUT  WOULDN'T  OBJECT  TO  BEING  J.  MORRISSEY. 

going  to  congress  and  being  president  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing,  but  1  don't  want  to  be  i:)resident,  there's  Lincohi,  he 
was  jjresident,  and  I  guess  lie's  sorry  for  it  now,  and  there's 
Andy  Johnson,  I  guess  he  didn't  like  it  much  either,  and  a 
fellow  doesn't  have  to  be  respectable  to  be  a  congressman, 
there's  John  Morrissey,  he's  made  money,  and  he's  gone  to 
congress,  and  he  has  nice  cui-ly  hair  and  nice  clothes,  and 
he  doesn't  do  no  work  neither,  I  shouldn't  like  to  be  a 
fighter  like  he  was,  for  I  shouldn't  like  to  have  my  nose 
smashed  as  his  is,  for  it  looks  just  like  mother's  big  squash 
did  after  the  cow  bit  a  chunk  out  of  it,  but  I  should  like  to 
have  nice  curly  hair  nice  clothes  and  lots  of  money  and  a 
cane  and  have  people  look  at  me  when  I  walked  doMm  the 
street  and  say  that's  him,  and  I  don't  care  who  knows  it,  for 
I  don't  want  to  be  a  soap-boiler  like  Uncle  John,  nor  a  tanner 
like  Uncle  Iliram,  and  all  the  good  people  I  know  of  are 
soaj)-boilers  or  tanners,  except  Mr.  Muifkin  and  he's  a  school 
teacher,  and  that's  worse  than  either,  for  he's  got  to  board 
round  amongst  the  neighbors,  and  they  never  put  apple  sass  on 
the  table  when  he's  at  the  house,  I  heard  Miss  Spriggins  tell 
Aunt  Polly  so,  they  wait  till  he's  gone  out  to  spellin'  school 
or  to  see  the  minister's  wife  and  talk  about  rheumatiz  and 
red  flannel  and  hot  poultices  for  sore  chests,  and  after  he's 
gone  they  bring  out  nice  things  and  eat  'em  by  themselves, 
with  lots  of  pickles,  he  don't  get  anything  but  bread  and 
cooking-butter  and  stale  doughnuts  that  are  left  over  from 
the  Saturday  bakins,  oh  I  knows  how  the  thing's  done,  but 
there's  Bob  calling  me,  and  we're  going  a  bird's  nesting,  for 
I  know  where  there's  a  yaller  bird's  nest  chock  full  of  eggs, 
mother  says  it's  cruel  and  the  birds  don't  like  it  and  that  I 
wouldn't  like  to  have  my  eggs  stole  if  I  was  a  bird,  and  1 
don't  think  I  should,  but  I  aint  a  bird  you  know,  and  that 
makes  a  difference,  and  if  you  want  to  j)rint  this  you  can, 
for  next  to  being  a  stage-driver  and  a  pirate  I'd  like 
to  be  an  Editor,  for  you  fellows  don't  have  to  tell  the 
truth,  and  you  can  always  go  to  the  circus  without  paying, 
and  so — " 


SUDDENLY  WHISTLED  FOR.  415 

Here  the  young  contributor's  manuscript  came  suddenly 
to  an  end.  I  expect  that  Bob  whistled  for  him  under  the  win- 
dow and  he  slipped  out  to  join  his  wicked  companion  in 
chasing  an  unoffending  cat  and  playing  it  was  a  tiger.  If 
he  did  not  catch  it  in  the  open  field,  let  us  hope  that  he 
caught  it  when  he  got  home. 


CHAPTER  LYII. 

TWO   STOEIES   FOR   GOOD   LITTLE   BOYS. 

FEW  things  afford  me  greater  pleasure  than  to  sit  on  a 
wharf  and  fish,  of  a  fine  afternoon,  and  hear  people  talk 
of  "  doing  something  in  the  world "  and  of  "  being  some- 
body." It  amuses  them,  does  no  harm  to  you,  and  the  fish 
bite  just  about  as  well.  But  if  called  on  to  give  the  result 
of  my  experience,  an  experience  which  covers  a  number  of 
years,  1  should  say  that  it  is  a  great  deal  easier  to  do  nothing, 
and  to  be  nobody,  and  that  it  generally  amounts  to  pretty 
much  the  same  thing  in  the  end.  Industry  and  punctuality 
and  perseverance  and  all  such  things  may  be  well  enough  in 
their  way,  but  I  have  known  them  to  bring  their  possessors 
to  grief  quite  as  often  as  to  prosperity. 

And  notwithstanding  the  many  stories  which  are  told  for 
little  people,  illustrating  the  advantages  that  accrue  from  the 
exercise  of  what  are  termed  the  virtues  of  life,  I  am  not  at  all 
certain  that  quite  as  much  may  not  be  said  upon  the  other 
side,  and  quite  as  many  and  as  good  stories  told  to  encourage 
children  in  their  total  disregard.  It  never  has  happened  to 
me  to  have  a  class  in  Sunday  School,  though  I  have  had  most 
every  thing  else,  but  with  a  view  to  possibilities  in  that  direc- 
tion I  am  even  now  shaping  a  few  stories  in  my  mind  for  the 
instruction  of  youth.     Listen  to  one  of  them  : — 

Samuel  and  John  were  two  little  boys,  (if  they  had  not 
been  boys  perhaps  they  M'ould  have  been  called  Helen  and 
Maria,)  who  lived  in  the  same  village.  Samuel  was  a  very 
foolish  little  boy  who  always  did  what  his  mother  told  him 
to  so  he  very  often  had  to  be  at  work  while  the  other  boys 

416 


SAMUEL  AND  JOHN.  4]^-^ 

were  at  play,  and  be  onl}'-  got  one  piece  of  pie  at  dinner 
while  they  had  whole  ones  which  they  borrowed  from  the 
buttery.  One  day  a  good  gentleman  wished  to  send  two 
cheeses  to  his  sick  mother,  who  lived  some  distance  from  the 
village,  and  he  called  Samuel  and  John  to  him  and  said  he 
would  give  them  a  bright,  new  ten-cent  piece  apiece  if  they 
would  carry  the  cheeses  for  him  and  not  idle  upon  the  way. 
And  Samuel  took  the  money  and  said  he  would  do  it  faith- 
fully ;  and  John  took  the  money,  too,  and  said  he  would  do  it 
in  a  horn  ;  and  they  both  set  out  on  their  way.  When  they 
got  a  little  way  from  town,  John  said  he  was  tired  and  he 
would  sit  down  upon  a  stone  and  rest ;  and  he  was  hungry, 
and  so  he  would  eat  half  the  cheese,  and  there'd  be  more 
than  the  old  woman  could  manage  left  then  ;  but  Samuel, 
who  was  a  foolish  little  boy,  said  that  would  be  naughty,  and 
that  he  shouldn't  feel  happy  at  night  if  he  did  such  a  wicked 
thing.  So  John,  who  didn't  see  it  in  that  light,  sat  down 
upon  the  stone  and  ate  the  cheese,  and  Samuel  went  on  in 
haste,  like  a  foolish  little  boy  as  he  was. 

It  happened  that  while  John  was  eating,  and  thinking  to 
himself  how  good  the  cheese  was,  and  what  a  good  time  the 
good  gentleman's  mother  would  have  with  the  rest  of  it,  a 
weary  pilgrim  came  along,  and  said  he  was  hungry,  and 
asked  for  a  bit.  John  said  he  would  sell  him  a  bit's  worth, 
but  he  would  not  give  him  a  bit,  because  it  was  the  Great 
Sanitary  Cheese,  and  wouldn't  set  well  on  the  stomach  of 
anybody  who  didn't  pay  for  it ;  and  he  also  said  that  the 
money  was  to  go  for  the  benefit  of  the  sick  soldiers,  and 
would  make  them  well  when  they  got  it — and  he  said  a 
great  many  other  tilings  that  he  had  heard  the  good  Dr.  ]>cl- 
lows  say  on  Sundays.  So  the  weary  pilgrim  gave  John  nil 
tlie  money  he  had  about  him,  and  put  his  hand  upon  his  head 
and  blessed  him,  and  told  him  if  he  kept  on  in  the  path  he 
was  going  he  would  some  day  be  an  ornament  to  soci- 
ety and  perhaps  a  brigadier-general ;  and  John  put  the 
money  in  his  pocket  and  said  it  was  all  in  his  eye,  and 
told  the  weary  pilgrim  if  he  kept  on  inthci)athhc  was  going 
lie  would  get  to  Oakland  directly,  and  then  he  would  with 
27 


418  JOHN  AND  SAMUEL. 

he  had  taken  the  Point  Lobos  turnpike  road  and  gone  out  to 
the  Cliif  House  and  seen  the  seals  and  drowned  hisself . 

While  John  was  talking  to  the  weary  pilgrim  and  chisel- 
ing him  out  of  his  eye  teeth,  as  I  have  already  narrated, 
the  foolish  little  Samuel  was  toiling  along  in  the  hot  sun 
with  the  cheese  upon  his  head  and  wishing  it  were  an  umbrella. 
For  he  said  to  himself : — I  must  be  faithful  and  do  what  the 
good  gentleman  told  me,  and  then  I  shall  become  a  great  and 
a  good  man,  as  rich  as  Samuel  Brannan,  perhaps — who  knows  ? 
And  so  he  kept  on  his  way. 

Now  it  happened  there  was  a  bear  in  the  woods,  and  as 
Samuel  was  going  cheerfully  along  the  bear  came  out  and  nip- 
ped him,  and  didn't  leave  anything  of  him  and  the  cheese 
but  the  bright  tin  ten-cent  piece  which  the  good  gentleman 
had  given  him — because  he  was  a  good  little  boy,  and  didn't 
know  the  difference  between  a  bad  ten-cent  piece  and  a  good 
one.  And  when  John  came  along,  the  bear  had  gone  back 
into  the  woods ;  for  he  had  had  enough  cheese  and  didn't 
want  any  more  little  boy.  So  John  picked  up  the  tin  ten- 
cent  piece  and  carried  it  to  the  good  gentleman's  mother, 
and  told  her  that  her  son  had  sent  it  to  her  to  buy  cheese 
with,  and  she  said  he  was  a  good  little  boy,  and  an  honest 
one,  and  she  gave  him  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  for  bringing  it  to 
her  safely,  and  that  Avas  enough  to  go  to  tlie  circus  with. 
Now  wasn't  John  a  smart  little  boy,  and  wasn't  that  a  great 
deal  better  than  being  eaten  up  by  the  bear  ? 

I  think  that  is  a  tolerably  fine  story,  and  quite  as  eminently 
illustrative  of  the  comparative  advantages  of  honesty  and  dis- 
honesty as  any  that  can  be  found  in  Books  for  the  Young. 
As  to  the  moral  tendency  of  it  modesty  forbids  me  to 
expatiate,  but  to  say  that  it  bears  the  impress  of  its  author, 
is  to  speak  volumes.  Here  is  a  story  to  illustrate  the  advan- 
tages of  not  being  industrious  : — 

Brown  and  Smith  were  poor  men,  and  they  both  came  out 
to  California  in  '49.  Brown  was  an  industrious  man,  who 
had  worked  all  his  life  long,  but  hadn't  made  any  money, 
and  Smith  was  a  lazy  man  who  had  never  done  a  day's  work 
since  he  was  born,  and  hadn't  made  any  money  either.     So 


BROWN  ANi)  SMITH. 


419 


he  was  just  where  Brown  was,  after  all.  Immediately  on 
arriving  in  California  these  two  friends  commenced  work  at 
their  trades.  Brown  at  his,  which  was  that  of  a  carpenter 
and  Smith  of  duing  nothing  at  all.  "Wages  were  hioh  in 
those  days,  and  Brown  would  have  made  money  if  it  had  not 
cost  him  so  much  to  live ;  as  for  Smith,  it  didn't  cost  him 
anything,  because  he  didn't  do  enough  to  get  an  appetite, 
and  free  lunches  served  his  purpose  very  well. 

One  day  while  he  \vas  rolling  on  the  sandhills  and  wonder- 
ing why  people  worked  when  it  M'as  so  easy  to  live  without 
working,  he  felt  something  hard  under  him,  and  looking 
down  found  that  somebody  had  lost  a  purse  and  he  had  found 
one.  Now  Smith  was  an  honest  man,  and  his  first  impulse 
was  to  run  down  the  road  and  halloa  at  a  man  who  had  just 
passed  and  who  probably  had  dropped  the  purse,  but  his 
second  impulse  was  to  keep  it,  and  he  obeyed  that — because 
it  is  always  better  to  follow  second  impulses  than  first.  And 
besides  it  would  have  been  a  great  trouble  to  run  after  the 
man,  and  perhaps  he  wouldn't  have  caught  him  after  all.  So 
lie  put  the  money  into  his  pocket,  and  when  he  returned  to 
town  he  bought  two  or  three  100-vara  lots  with  it,  and  built 
a  shanty  upon  them,  and  begged  herrings  and  whisky  of  the 
emigrants,  which  was  a  very  easy  way  of  getting  a  living. 

Brown  saved  money,  too,  and  he  bought  him  some  lots  and 
built  him  a  house.  But  Brown  couldn't  be  idle,  and  so  ho 
went  into  business,  and  by-and-by  he  couldn't  carry  on  his 
business  without  borrowing  money,  and  he  couldn't  borrow 
money  without  mortgaging  his  lots;  l)nt  he  thought  ho 
wcnildii't  quit,  and  so  he  borrowed  money  and  carried  his 
business  on,  and  then  by-and-by  he  had  to  quit,  and  then  he 
wished  he  hud  quit  before.  But  Smith  wouldn't  go  intO' 
business,  and  he  was  too  lazy  to  sell  his  iOO-vara  lots,  and  so. 
lie  kept  them,  and  did  nothing,  and  he  does  nothing  now  ;  but 
he  is  rich  and  respected,  and  one  of  the  directors  of  the  Daidc 
of  California,  Brown  is  as  industrious  as  ever,  but  ho  worka 
for  day  wages,  and  isn't  worth  a  dollar. 

So  it  will  1)0  Hocn  that  it  is  well  sometimes  to  loaf — and 
that  occasionally  half  a  loaf  is  better  than  none. 


CHAPTEK  LYIII. 

"  TOODLES  " — A   STORY   FOB   KEAL   CHILDREN. 

DEAR  SIR: — It  becomes  my  painful  duty  to  inform  you  of  the  death  of  your, 
pet,  left  in  my  keeping.  A  lady  very  carelessly  left  him  on  the  piano, 
and  in  his  playfulness  he  jumped  down  and  broke  his  neck." 

The  above  is  an  extract  from  a  letter  I  received  durino-  a 
little  visit  to  Washington.  It  came  in  a  black-edged  envel- 
ope, was  written  on  black-edged  paper,  and  was  handed  to 
me  at  the  breakfast-table  ;  so,  taken  all  in  all,  it  might  have 
been  said  to  be  the  mourning  news. 

It  was  an  announcement  of  the  death  of  "  Toodles." 

You  do  not  know  who  "Toodles"  was  perhaps?  Ah, 
well,  "  Toodles  "  was  a  dog,  one  of  the  prettiest  little  dogs 
that  ever  w^as  seen,  with  wliite  curly  hair,  soft  as  silk,  and 
eyes  bright  and  black  as  beads, — black  beads  of  course.  He 
got  his  name  from  a  funny  trick  he  had  of  pawing  at  the  bow 
of  his  ribbon  when  it  slipped  round  to  one  side  of  his  neck, 
just  as  Toodles  does  at  the  ends  of  his  cravat  in  the  play. 
You  have  never  seen  the  play,  of  course,  but  perhaps  your 
papa  has,  and,  if  you  ask  him,  it  may  be  that  he'll  show  you 
wdiat  Toodles  does,  and  then  you  will  understand  how  funny 
it  must  be  when  done  by  a  little  dog. 

To  explain  how  "  Toodles "  came  into  my  possession 
would  be  to  tell  a  long  story,  and  in  this  busy  Avorld  of  ours 
long  stories  are  out  of  place.  But  I  may  say  that  he  was  a 
philopena  from  a  little  girl  with  whom  I  was  eating  almonds 
one  evening.  "  Give  and  take  "  was  agreed  on.  You  will 
readily  imagine  the  various  stratagems  we  practised  on  each 

420 


HOW  I  CAME  TO  OWN  "TOODLES."  421 

other;  how  queer  things,  that  under  other  circumstances 
would  have  been  seized  with  eagerness,  were  offered  for 
examination  and  refused  ;  how  my  curiously  contrived  pencil- 
case,  that  could  be  transformed  at  pleasure  into  a  pen,  a  knife, 
a  pair  of  scissors, — almost  anything,  in  fact,  but  a  rubber-ball, 
— suddenly  lost  its  charms  for  my  little  friend,  while  a  won- 
derful doll,  that  would,  open  its  eyes,  and  cry  "  mamma," 
and  attempt  to  kick  the  clothes  off  on  being  laid  in  its  cradle, 
extended  its  arms  to  me  in  vain,  though  I  had  long  been  anx- 
ious for  a  closer  acquaintance  with  the  flaxen-haired  young 
lady  than  Miss  Carrie,  in  her  jealous  care,  would  allow  me. 
At  last  I  won  the  day  with  a  silkworm's  cocoon.  An  oppor- 
tunity to  see  "  how  silk  aprons  growed  "  was  not  to  be  neg- 
lected, and  Miss  Carrie  fell  a  victim  to  her  curiosity. 

The  next  morning  a  little  basket  came  to  me  half  filled 
with  cotton-wool.  At  first  I  thought  it  contained  nothing 
but  cotton-wool,  and  that  the  whole  thing  was  one  of  Carrie's 
famous  jokes ;  but  closer  examination  revealed  a  black  nose 
and  a  pair  of  pink  ears  peeping  out,  and  I  knew  what  the 
present  was.  "What  to  do  with  it  was  the  next  question.  I 
was  really  afraid  to  take  it  out  of  the  basket  for  fear  of 
breakiuii;  it.  Such  a  little  dog  I  do  believe  was  never  before 
seen  ;  it  might  almost  have  been  sent  to  me  in  an  envelope 
like  a  valentine.  You  could  take  it  up  in  your  thumb  and  fin- 
ger, as  you  may  have  seen  an  old  lady  take  a  pinch  of  snuff. 
I  called  it  a  watch-dog,  because  I  could  carry  it  around  in  my 
watch-pocket.  Indeed, — this  is  scarcely,  an  exaggeration, — 
I  often  took  it  out,  to  make  calls  on  little  ladies  of  my 
acquaintance,  comfortably  tucked  away  in  the  inner  breast- 
pocket of  my  coat. 

"Toodles"  was  very  funny  in  those  infant  days, — thcdaj'S 
when  he  was  an  "it."  His  bark  was  but  a  loud  breath. 
You  could  scarcely  believe  that  it  wasar^«?dog, — he  scorned. 
a  toy-dog,  or  at  least  a  burlesque  on  dogs  generally.  A\  hen 
he  reared  up  on  his  liind  legs,  in  real  or  ])retendcd  anger, 
w^e  almost  rolled  out  of  our  chairs  with  laughter.  ^)ii  llieso 
terrible  occasions  he  would  jro  over  to  the  other  side  of  the 


422  THE  TERRIBLE  "TOODLES"  PUZZLES  ME. 

room,  and  crouch  down  like  a  lion,  to  suddenly  spring  up  and 
rush  at  us,  with  mouth  so  wide  open  that  one  could  almost 
thrust  a  peanut  into  it,  trying  to  utter  a  ferocious  roar  the 
while,  but  only  accomplishing  a  faint  wheeze.  Indeed,  you 
could  not  believe  that  he  was  a  dog, — he  seemed  to  be  some- 
thing else,  only  playing  dog.  Now  Toodles  is  larger.  I 
have  to  carry  him  in  an  overcoat-pocket  when  I  take  him 
out  of  evenings,  and  Katy,  the  chambermaid,  tells  me  that 
yesterday  he  got  out  two  real  barks.  Eolling  around  on 
the  floor,  you  would  formerly  have  mistaken  him  for  a  ball 
of  white  wool ;  now,  in  his  caperings,  he  looks  like  an  ani- 
mated muff,  and  we  warn  visitors  against  teasing  him  or 
making  him  angry,  lest  he  should  tear  them  in  pieces. 

To  return  to  the  beginning  of  my  story,  and  proceed  in 
regular  order.  When  "  Toodles  "  first  arrived  at  my  domi- 
cile, I  wrote  a  note  to  the  donor  (if  my  little  friends  find 
any  words  here  they  do  not  understand,  they  must  look 
them  up  in  the  dictionary,  for  they'll  have  to  read  Carlyle 
and  Miss  Evans  some  day),  thanking  her  for  the  gift,  but 
asking  what  she  expected  me  to  do  with  it,  and  how  and 
where  I  could  keep  it.  She  replied  that  she  expected  me 
to  feed  the  little  baby  regularly,  wash  and  comb  him  every 
day,  and  see  that  he  always  had  a  nice  ribbon  round  his 
neck ;  and  as  for  keeping  him,  if  I  had  no  other  place,  I 
must  do  Avitli  him  what  "Peter,  Peter,  Pumpkin-Eater," 
did  with  his  wife. 

By  diligent  inquiry,  I  learned  that  the  said  Peter  put  his 
wife  "in  a  pumpkin-shell,"  and  the  rhyme  went  on  to  say 
that  "  there  he  kept  her  very  well."  But  unfortunately  I 
had  no  pumpkin-shell ;  and  a  nut-shell  not  seeming  likely  to 
answer  the  purpose,  I  had  to  bargain  for  a  box.  So  "  Toodles  " 
had  his  private  box,  and  enjoyed  himself  in  it  quite  as  much 
as  he  could  have  done  at  the  opera. 

Just  as  things  got  comfortably  settled,  and  working  well 
in  their  grooves,  business  called  me  to  Washington.  The 
period  of  my  absence  was  indefinite ;  it  might  be  ten  days, 
or  ten  weeks,  or  ten  months.     "What  to  do  with  "  Toodles  " 


I  LEAVE  "TOODLES"  WITH  A  "WITCH.  423 

became  a  matter  of  serious  consideration.  I  couldn't  take 
liim  M'itli  me,  fur  lie  could  not  have  known  less  about  recon- 
struction had  he  been  a  member  of  Congress,  and  he  could'nt 
make  noise  enough  to  be  a  successful  politician.  In  the 
midst  of  my  trouble,  a  woman  who  lived  in  the  same  house 
with  us  suddenly  appeared  and  said  she  would  take  care  of 
him  while  I  was  gone. 

1  did  not  then  know  that  the  woman  was  a  witch,  or  I 
should  not  so  readily  have  accepted  what  seemed  a  kind 
offer.  She  said  he  should  be  fed  on  rose-leaves  and  chicken- 
bones, — an  excellent  diet  for  little  dogs,  — that  his  hair  should 
be  combed  and  curled  every  day,  that  he  should  have  his 
ears  pierced  and  gold  rings  put  in  them,  that  he  should  have 
a  velvet  collar,  too,  with  a  gold  buckle,  and  that  she  would 
take  him  out  in  her  carriage  every  day  to  ride  in  Central 
Park. 

Kot  knowing  that  she  was  a  witch,  I  of  course  didn't 
know  that  her  only  carriage  was  a  broomstick,  and  that  she 
only  wanted  "  Toodles  "  to  keep  her  company  and  bark  at 
the  moon  when  she  went  careering  through  the  sky.  So  I 
innocently  accepted  lier  offer,  and  tlianked  her  for  the  kind- 
ncsi?, — and  went  to  "Washington. 

I'm  wiser  now,  and  know  witches  when  1  see  them.  They 
have  black  hair,  and  bold  features,  and  wear  a  good  many 
rings  on  their  fingers,  and  talk  loudly,  and  lind  fault  with 
everything  on  the  table,  and  scold  the  servants,  and  are 
always  finding  out  things  about  others  that  none  but  a  wilcli 
could  find  out,  and  telling  things  about  others  that  none  but 
a  witch  or  a  wicked  woman  would  tell.  "Toodles"  knows 
witches  too,  now,  and  tries  to  bark  and  bite  and  tear  their 
dresses,  when  they  come  into  the  room.  Some  day  he'll  eat 
one  of  them  up,  perhaps,  and  then  she'll  be  rather  sorry,  I 
guess,  that  she  was  a  witch. 

As  I  was  saying,  1  went  to  "Washington.  Some  two  or 
three  days  after  my  arrival  there,  before  I  liad  got  the 
national  difficulties  half  settled,  or  determined  what  it  would 
behest  to  do  with  the  currency,  the  letter  from  which  the 


424  THE  RErORT  OF  "TOODLES"'  SUDDEX  DEATH. 

extract  wliicli  begins  this  story  is  taken  was  brought  to  me 
at  the  breakfast-table.  It  didn't  take  away  my  appetite, 
because  I  was  already  through ;  but  it  made  me  feel  very 
bad,  indeed,  and  a  little  provoked. 

"  Jumped  from  the  piano,"  did  he  ?  How  came  he  to  be 
playing  on  the  piano  ?  ELe  was  not  musically  educated,  he 
had  no  bad  habits  of  that  kind,  he  was  not  a  young  lady  ! 
Nor  could  I  exactly  see  how,  in  jumping  off  a  piano,  he 
could  break  his  neck, — unless  he  jumped  from  an  extraordi- 
narily high  note.  Had  he  even  fallen,  so  much  was  he  like 
a  bag  of  wool,  that  beyond  bounding  two  or  three  times, 
and  bumping  a  little  against  the  ceiling,  no  harm  could  have 
happened  to  him.  Altogether,  the  affair  was  so  mysterious 
that  1  determined  to  investigate  it  on  my  return. 

On  my  return,  I  found  that  the  witch  had  flown.  One 
morning  she  got  on  her  broomstick  and  whisked  away  to 
Boston.  But  before  going  she  told  others  in  the  house  a 
story  similar  to  the  one  she  wrote  to  me.  She  sent  the  little 
dog  down  to  her  daughter's,  she  said,  to  see  something  of 
society,  and  a  lady  left  him  on  the  piano,  and  he  jumped  off 
and  broke  his  neck,  and  was  buried  in  Washington  Park. 
There  was  great  mourning  in  our  house;  and  one  of  the 
young  ladies  wanted  to  put  crape  on  the  door  and  muffle 
the  knocker,  for  "  Toodles  "  was  a  favorite. 

Some  way  my  suspicions  were  excited  ;  the  piano  story 
seemed  scarcely  in  tune, — there  was  a  false  note  somewhere, 
and  it  occurred  to  me  that  the  one  1  received  in  Washington 
was  false.  So  one  day,  in  passing  Washington  Park,  I 
stopped  and  asked  the  keeper  if  there  had  been  any  dog- 
funerals  there  lately.  No.  I  then  discussed  the  subject  in 
all  its  bearings,  and  learned  that  dogs  were  sometimes  buried 
there  in  summer;  for  a  small  consideration  he  dug  green 
little  graves  under  the  trees,  and  planted  poodles  and  other 
pets.  If  1  examined  the  trees  carefully,  he  thought  I  could 
easily  discover  the  ones  imder  which  dogs  had  been  buried, 
— by  their  bark.  But  there  had  been  no  burials  since  last 
August ;  that  was  the  funeral  of  a  fat  old  lady  dog,  a  black 


BUT  "  TOODLES' '"  GRAVE  CANNOT  BE  FOUND.        425 

and  tan,  that  had  been  in  some  family  for  a  long  time,  and 
was  followed  to  the  grave  by  her  mistress  and  several 
descendants.  The  coffin  was  of  oak,  with  a  little  silver  plate 
inscribed  "  Lady  Jane "  ;  and  in  compliment  to  the  great- 
ness of  the  occasion  and  the  race  to  which  the  deceased  dosr 
belonged, — lie  called  it  "  breed,"  I  think, — the  sexton- 
keeper  filled  in  the  grave  with  tan-bark  instead  of  common 
earth.  He  would  have  used  black  and  tan  bark,  he  said, 
but  it  could  not  be  procured.  He  was  sure  that  since  that 
illustrious  interment  none  other  had  taken  place ;  it  was 
impossible,  in  fact,  that  one  could  come  off  without  his 
knowledge,  especially  when  the  ground  was  so  hard  frozen 
that  digging  the  grave  would  be  the  work  not  of  a  moment, 
but  of  hours. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  I  knew  a  great  and  good  magi- 
cian, named  Leonard,  who  dwelt  in  a  castle  on  Mulberry 
Street,  and  was  potent  in  punishing  evil-doers  and  bringing 
offenders  to  justice.  His  myrmidons  (that 's  a  long  word 
for  you,  but  I  couldn't  find  a  shorter  one  that  would  do  me) 
are  out  night  and  day,  walking  up  and  down  the  city,  car- 
rying in  their  hands  wands  of  singular  efficacy  in  persuading 
persons  to  do  as  they  want  them  to.  You  might  think  tliese 
wands  were  base-ball  clubs,  but  they  are  not.  An  "  inning" 
when  they  are  played  is  rather  a  serious  matter.  Well,  to 
this  magician  I  went,  and  told  just  what  the  wicked  witcli 
had  done,  and  how  I  suspected  her  of  having  spirited  away 
"Toodles."  He  sympathized  with  me,  and  promised  to 
assist  me  in  sifting  the  mystery. 

So  next  day,  one  of  the  myrmidons  came  to  my  house 
with  a  note  from  my  magician,  stating  that  the  name  of  the 
bearer  was  McGowan,  that  he  could  transform  liiinself  into 
a  dozen  different  things  at  pleasure,  track  lightning  after  it 
had  vanished,  and  smell  out  thunder  before  it  ])roke ;  that 
lie  was  at  my  Ijidding  niglit  and  day,  and  would  not  leave 
me  until  the  wicked  witch  was  routed,  and  "Toodles" 
restored  to  his  ha])i)y  home.  It  seemed  to  me  tliat  McCiowan 
was  a  funny  name  for  such  a  chap,  and  that  he  might  better 


426  MAGICIAN  McGOWAN. 

have  been  cliristened  Swiftfoot,  or  Sliarpeye,  or  Hammer- 
claw,  or  Catchrogue;  but  that  was  something  which  con- 
cerned his  f airj  godmother  only :  I  was  glad  to  know  bim 
by  any  name. 

He  took  a  seat  on  the  sofa,  and  asked  me  a  great  many 
questions, — how  old  "  Toodles "  was,  and  what  he  looked 
like  ;  where  the  witch  was,  and  what  she  looked  like  ;  where 
her  daughter  lived,  and  what  time  it  was.  After  asking  this 
last  question,  he  said  it  was  time  to  go.  I  looked  to  see  him 
go  whirling  up  the  chimney  in  a  cloud  of  blue  smoke,  scat- 
tering the  ashes  all  over  the  hearth,  and  leaving  a  smell  of 
matches  in  the  room ;  but  instead  of  all  that  he  put  on  his 
hat  and  said  "good  afternoon,"  and  went  down  stairs,  as  though 
he  were  only  a  common  visitor,  instead  of  the  great  McGowan, 
who  could  track  lightning  after  it  had  vanished,  and  hear 
thunder  before  it  broke,  and  at  whose  coming  evil  witches 
bustled  off  on  their  broomsticks. 

The  next  morning,  a  queer-looking  man  called  at  the  house 
where  the  witch's  daughter  lived.  He  had  an  old  shooting- 
jacket  on,  and  a  frowzy  red  handkerchief  was  tied  round 
his  neck,  and  his  boot-legs  were  outside  of  his  pantaloons, 
and  his  hat  was  jammed  in,  and  altogether  he  was  just  the 
kind  of  a  man  you  wouldn't  like  to  see  coming  into  your 
back  yard  when  Dash  was  there  playing  ball  by  himself,  or 
there  were  many  clothes  hanging  on  the  lines  to  dry.  A 
servant  came  to  the  door  when  he  rang,  and  he  asked  if  a 
Mrs.  Thompson  lived  there. 

"  No,"  said  the  servant. 

That  was  very  strange.  He  was  a  dog-doctor,  and  had 
got  a  note  from  a  lady  of  that  name,  asking  him  to  call  there 
and  see  a  sick  dog. 

"  What  kind  of  a  dog  was  it,"  asked  the  servant. 

A  big  black  dog,  with  long  hair, — a  Newfoundland,  he 
thought. 

It  couldn't  be  there,  she  said  ;  there  was  only  one  dog  in 
the  house, — a  little  white  dog,  curly-haked, — and  that  be- 
longed to  a  Mrs.  Johnson. 


"TOODLES"  FOUND.  427 

But  wasn't  that  dog  sick,  or  hadn't  lie  been  ? — Thomp- 
son and  Jf)hnson  were  very  much  alike,  and  he  might  have 
mistaken  the  description  of  the  dog. 

No ;  Mrs.  Johnson  had  only  had  the  dog  a  few  davs  •  it 
was  a  present  from  her  mother  who  had  lately  gone  to 
Boston ;  but  if  he  called  in  the  afternoon  again,  he  could  see 
Mrs.  Johnson  herself,  and  perhaps  she  might  know  some- 
thing about  it. 

So  in  the  afternoon  two  dog-doctors — I  was  along  this 
time — rang  the  bell,  and,  when  the  servant  went  to  see  if 
Mrs.  Johnson  was  in,  followed  her  to  the  door  of  the  room, 
stepping  inside  immediately  it  was  opened.  The  action  was 
scarcely  polite,  but  dog-doctors  are  not  dancing-masters. 
There  on  the  floor  was  "Toodles,"  large  as  life,  rolling  over 
and  over  in  an  ecstasy  of  delight  at  having  succeeded  in 
getting  hold  of  the  piano  cover  and  shaking  a  valuable  vase 
to  the  floor.  For  all  his  famous  fall  he  did  not  seem  to  hold 
pianos  in  mortal  dread.  On  seeing  me,  he  indulged  in  the 
most  extraordinary  demonstrations,  tumbling  end  over  end 
in  his  wild  anxiety  to  get  into  my  overcoat-pocket,  evidently 
thinking  that  he  had  made  a  pretty  long  call  there  alrcad3^ 

The  witch's  daughter  was  in  a  terrible  way,  but  seemed 
to  feel  more  concern  at  losing  the  dog  than  shame  at  having 
her  mother's  wickedness  found  out.  And  at  flrst  she  de- 
clared that  part  with  "Toodles"  she  would  not;  tiiat  her 
mother  had  left  him  in  her  keeping,  and  would  gallop  every- 
body off  on  a  broomstick  if  he  were  not  there  when  she 
returned.  But  Merlin  McGowan  was  neither  to  be  coaxed 
or  frightened;  disj)laying  a  talisman  which  he  wore  on  his 
breast, — a  sign  of  such  awful  power  and  significance  that 
evil-doers  grow  pale  the  moment  they  set  eyes  on  it, — he 
declared  tliat  he  was  commissioned  by  his  chief  to  gallop  all 
parties  off  to  the  station-house,  if  we  were  not  permitted  to 
depart  in  j)eace  with  "Toodles,"  and  thereafter  tlicrc  was  no 
remonstrance.  We  bore  "Toodles"  away  tiiuiiii)han(ly,  his 
white  tail  whip])ing  in  the  wind  like  a  royal  banner,  and  llio 
wicked  witch  was  routed. 


CHAPTER  LIX. 

WHICH    IS    ALL   AUOUT    TKYING    AGAIN. 

YEEILT,  my  name  is  neither  Tiipper  nor  Confucius,  and 
I  do  not  frequently  drape  myself  in  the  mantle  of 
popular  wisdom.  But  having  written  for  the  young  in 
preceding  chaj)ters,  I  wish  now  to  disabuse  the  old  of  one 
mistaken  idea  upon  which  they  are  prone  to  harp,  to  the 
immortal  injury,  perhaps,  of  other  generations. 

There  are  a  good  many  proverbs  which  had  better  not  be 
followed.  Chief  among  others,  to  my  thinking,  is  that  one 
which  inculcates  the  virtue  of  always  trying  again,  if  a  first 
attempt  prove  unsuccessful.  It  has  been  dinned  into  child- 
hood's ears  from  time  immemorial ;  tradition  has  been  in- 
voked, history  ransacked,  and  even  fable  coined  for  its  sup- 
port. The  story  of  Robert  Bruce  and  the  spider,  in  all  its 
variations,  is  familiar  to  most  readers. 

Sometimes  the  thread  is  spun  for  the  Scotsman's  benefit, 
sometimes  in  behalf  of  Tamerlane  ;  but  no  matter  for  whom 
— the  moral  remains  the  same.  Try  again !  No  old  saw  has 
been  more  frequently  used  or  oftener  reset.  The  clumsiest 
hands  are  expert  in  its  application,  and  all  unite  in  its  praise; 
it  has  the  indorsement  of  modern  teachers  as  well  as  the 
sanction  of  antiquity. 

1  beg  leave  to  differ  from  these  respectable  authorities,  to 
dissent  from  the  general  verdict.  I  have  a  minority  report 
to  offer  in  the  proverb's  disfavor.  Trying  again  is  not  the 
first  and  best  thing  to  do  after  a  failure ;  in  very  many  cases 
it  is  better  to  sit  down  with  folded  hands,  and  calmly  and 
patiently  study  the  situation,  waiting  for  events  to  develop 

428 


THE  DIFFICULTY  OF  QUITTING.  429 

themselves.  "When  the  bull  attempted  to  butt  the  locomo- 
tive off  the  track  and  failed,  was  it  worth  while  to  try  ao-ain  ? 
In  my  opinion,  this  same  proverb  has  ruined  millions  of 
men  and  women  who,  but  for  the  baleful  lesson  it  inculcates, 
•  would  have  turned  out  useful  members  of  societv,  and  found 
honorable  tombstones,  at  last,  instead  of  undistin^-uished 
graves. 

Any  fool  can  try  again,  no  matter  how  absurd  the  essay 
may  be  in  the  first  place ;  but  it  is  only  the  wise  and  coura- 
geous man,  a  philosopher,  indeed,  who  can  make  up  his  mind 
to  quit.  If  a  thing  be  beyond  your  reach,  don't  stretch  out 
your  hand  for  it  a  second  time.  As  well  ascertain  the  hope- 
lessness of  the  case  after  one  trial  as  after  a  dozen ;  better, 
for  time  is  saved. 

Persistency,  which  after  all,  is  but  a  polite  periphrasis  for 
obstinacy,  is  a  popular  vice,  and  deserves  discountenance  and 
suppression  rather  than  encouragement.  To  have  attempted 
a  thing  and  failed,  is  nine  times  in  ten,  the  best  evidence  in 
the  world  that  success  had  better  be  sought  in  some  other 
direction.  Yet  there  is  a  fatal  fascination  in  the  very  fail- 
ure ;  a  desire  is  begotten  to  show  that  you  can  do  what  you 
set  out  to  do ;  there  is  a  false  and  foolish  2:)ride  about  con- 
fessing to  a  mistake ;  and  so,  persons  are  goaded  on  in  pur- 
suit of  things  to  them  unattainable,  following  vocations  to 
which  they  are  not  adapted.  The  consequence  is  hopeless 
mediocrity,  if  not  wrecked  fortunes  and  wasted  lives. 

The  advisability  and  wisdom  of  trying  again,  depend 
somewhat  on  the  amount  of  deliberation  and  careful  weiffh- 
ing  of  chances  which  preceded  the  first  endeavor.  Desire 
to  do,  or  to  be,  is  not  the  power ;  ambition  does  not  always 
carry  with  it  ability,  A  lien,  seeing  a  duck  take  to  the 
water,  might  feel  a  longing  herself  to  swim.  If  she  followed 
the  inspiration  and  got  disappointed  only,  instead  of  drown- 
ed, reaching  the  sliore  in  safety,  I  question  whether  it  would 
be  worth  her  while  to  try  again,  however  si:)ectators  on  (he 
bank  might,  by  precept  and  precedent,  apjdaud  licr  to  a 
renewal  of  the  effort.     Doubtless,  after  due  practice  and  dis- 


430  EACH  TO  HIS  OWN. 

comfort,  if  no  fatal  result  attended  the  first  experlmeD.t, 
almost  any  hen  might  succeed  in  becoming  a  bad  swimmer; 
but  would  the  game  be  worth  the  candle?  In  no  event  could 
she  swim  as  well  as  the  duck;  while  in  running  errands  and 
scratching  gravel,  she  would  have  all  the  advantage — no 
duck  could  compete  with  her  en  her  ow^n  ground. 

Because  a  man  is  emulous  of  a  neighbor  who  happens  to 
be  a  judge,  it  by  no  means  follows  that  he  can  attain  emi- 
nence as  a  jurist.  Each  has  his  mission  in  life  ;  but  all  mis- 
sions do  not  lie  in  the  same  direction.  And  if,  after  reading 
law  for  two  or  three  years,  he  makes  a  hopeless  muddle  of  it 
before  a  jury  with  his  first  case,  would  it  not  be  well  to 
pause  and  sift  his  qualifications  for  the  legal  profession,  to 
carefully  weigh  the  probabilities  of  attaining  success  in  it, 
and  inquire  if  there  be  not  some  other  walk  in  life  which  he 
is  more  calculated  to  adorn,  rather  than  to  try  again  and 
again  to  the  end  of  the  chapter,  turning  out  but  a  bad  petti- 
foo-o-er  after  all?  Fortunatelv,  there  are  many  channels; 
those  who  cannot  sw'im  in  one,  may  make  very  excellent 
headway  in  another.  All  the  while  that  our  friend  was  try- 
ing to  be  a  lawyer,  he  might  have  sat  in  a  high  place,  per- 
haps, as  a  superb  shoemaker,  a  remarkable  tailor,  a  great 
and  good  hotel-keeper,  or  a  successful  tiller  of  the  soil. 

Each  to  his  own.  It  is  better  to  be  a  good  compositor 
than  a  poor  editor ;  a  competent  farmer  than  a  disqualified 
judge  ;  a  good  machinist  than  a  poor  preacher.  Let  it  be  dis- 
covered to  each  man  his  sphere,  confine  him  to  it,  and  he  will 
walk  therein  easily  and  successfully ;  but  to  flounder  awk- 
wardly on,  in  an  unnatural  one,  can  result  neither  to  his 
own  advantage  nor  that  of  his  fellows. 

If  a  man  desire  to  reach  a  certain  point,  and  discover  after 
setting  out  that  he  is  in  the  wrong  road,  let  him  turn  back 
and  start  anew.  Perseverance  will  not  help  him  if  he  is  on 
the  wrong  track ;  the  further  he  journeys,  the  further  he  is 
from  the  goal ;  it  is  necessai-y  to  confess  to  a  mistake  and 
jog  back  and  undo  what  he  has  done,  before  success  can 
reasonably  be  hoped  for.     Eminence,  which  is  but  another 


MISTAKEN  AMBITION. 


431 


name  for  fortune,  is  what  all  desire  to  attain.  If  a  man 
start  for  it  by  way  of  the  bar  or  the  pulpit,  in  a  doctor's 
chaise  or  on  an  editor's  stool,  and  stumble  at  the  outset  it  is 
better  to  deliberate  while  down  :  to  go  blundering  on  imme- 
diately he  gets  up,  is  not  the  most  judicious  tliino-  to  do. 
There  are  other  roads  to  the  goal ;  the  one  he  has  taken  may 
be  one  which  his  feet  are  not  adapted  to  tread.  AVhv,  then 
should  he  torture  himself  and  others  ? 

A  man  may  be  ambitions  to  become  a  musician.  If  his 
first  essay  with  a  brass  or  stringed  instrument  prove  that  he 
has  no  ear  for  music,  that  his  tympanum  is  not  sensitive  to 
sweet  sounds,  and  cannot  distinguish  between  one  note  and 
another — is  not  that  enough?  Shall  he  still  goon  beatino- 
the  kettle-drum,  and  deafening  his  neighbors,  until  death 
mercifully  arrest  his  arms  ?  Better  by  far  be  poundiuo-  a 
lapstone  ;  that  were  noise  to  a  purpose. 

Some  men  and  women  are  committing  slow  suicide  from 
the  cradle  to  the  grave.  Mentally  and  morally,  I  mean, 
striving  to  do  that  which  they  cannot,  and  leaving  undone 
that  which  they  can  do.  Talk  of  sins  of  omission  and  com- 
mission;  is  there  anything  worse  than  this  on  the  whole 
black  list  ? 

A  young  woman  whom  I  knew  made  her  dtbut  as  a  public 
singer,  and  failed — miserably,  Avretchedly.  As  a  natural  con- 
sequence, she  was  deeply  mortified,  and  highly  desirous  of 
establisliing  lier  claims  as  a  vocalist.  Iler  friends  advised 
her  to  try  again,  and  she  came  to  ask  me  what  I  tliondit 
about  it.  My  advice  Avas,  no;  decidedly  no.  It  seemed 
cruel,  perhaps  ;  but  kindness  sometimes  comes  in  that  guise. 
She  had  no  voice.  It  was  a  mistake  to  appear,  in  the  first 
place.  The  result  demonstrated  that,  most  coiu;lu.<ivcly. 
"  Try  again  !"  shouted  sonic.  And  so  it  ever  is;  never  was 
a  crowning  act  of  folly  contemplated,  that  some  "friend" 
was  not  ft)und  to  encourage  and  cheer  it  on. 

Why  "try  again"  in  any  instance,  after  one  attempt 
shows  incapacity,  if  not  utter  incompetence?  Does  the  per- 
petration of  a  second  mistake  make  the  first  one  less  i)ainful? 


4,32  THE  FOLLY  OF  PERSISTENCE. 

"  Try  again"  is  what  lures  the  gambler  on  to  his  ruin.  To 
play  once,  and  having  lost,  to  retire  from  the  table,  were  not 
so  bad ;  it  is  perseverance  in  losing,  when  the  chances  are  all 
against  gaining,  that  proves  disastrous. 

A  man  may  try  anything  once;  but,  having  failed,  it  is 
better  to  deliberate  well  before  trying  it  again.  I  do  not 
know  that  I  would  object  to  a  man's  trying  to  make  a  silk 
purse  out  of  a  sow's  ear,  or  a  whistle  out  of  a  pig's  tail ;  but 
after  one  attempt,  I  should  set  him  down  for  a  fool,  indeed, 
if  he  proceeded  to  a  second ;  particularly  when  other  and 
better  material  for  purses  and  whistles  lay  ready  to  his  hands. 
And,  in  all  cases,  it  is  wise  to  weigh  the  probabilities  well 
before  trying  at  all. 

I  should  not  advise  a  woman  to  make  even  one  essay  at 
singing  bass ;  nor  a  lame  man  to  attempt  a  polka,  however 
ambitious  he  might  be  to  dance.  And,  to  make  a  long  story 
short,  saying  in  a  few  words  what  there  was  no  necessity  in 
the  first  place  for  spinning  out  into  a  chapter,  the  simple  fact 
is  this : — there  is  altogether  too  much  trying  again,  in  the 
world.  It  is  time  for  the  virtue  of  leaving  off  and  abandon- 
ing hopeless  attempts,  without  multiplying  them  to  a  sad  and 
dreadful  infinity,  to  be  inculcated  in  schools  and  taught  in 
high  places. 


CHAPTER   LX. 

m   WHICH   WE   DISCUSS   THE   DISCARDED    SUIT. 

MANY  years  ago  the  question  was  agitated  : — "  "Where  do 
all  the  pins  go  to  ?"  "Walking  through  the  streets 
during  the  hoop-skirfc  days,  an  equally  intricate  problem  fre- 
quently occurred  to  me : — "  "Where  do  all  the  hoop-skirts 
come  from  that  skirt  the  streets?" 

I  have  headed  this  cha])ter  as  above,  borrowing  a  phrase 
from  the  technicalities  of  a  M'ell  known  game,  because  it 
occurs  to  me  that  women  discard  these  suits  somewhat  as 
one  clears  his  hand  at  euchre  before  picking  up  the  trump 
card. 

Go  where  you  pleased,  walk  where  you  would,  you  still 
found  the  inevitable  skirt,  lying  in  your  pathway  like  a 
coiled  serpent,  ready  to  spring  ;  and  as  its  springs  were  spiral 
ones,  might  it  not  have  been  diflicult  to  get  out  of  tlie  way, 
if  the  thing  did  indeed  take  a  fancy  to  jump  ? 

In  youth  they  told  me  marvelous  stories  of  the  hoop- 
snake.  Is  tliis  the  reptile  that  my  nurse  used  to  frighten 
me  into  convulsions  about?  It  seems  harmless  cnougli  now, 
and  I  have  j'ct  to  see  one  that  I  am  afraid  to  aj)j)roac]i, 
though  to  tell  the  truth  I  shouldn't  care  to  attempt  to  liaudlo 
it  without  consultation  with  some  exi)crt. 

Is  it  a  peculiarity  of  the  American  female  t])at  at  regular 
intervals  slie  goes  out  into  tlie  street  and  crawls  out  of  her 
skirt  as  an  eel  does  from  its  skin,  or  a  crab  from  its  old  and 
battered  shell  ?  I  intend  to  go  through  the  city  of  nights, 
and  keep  vigils  with  an  eye  to  this  peeling  o])eration,  fur  I'm 
anxious  to  solve  the  mystery. 

28  433 


434  HAIL,  GENTLE  SPRINGS. 

It  is  really  a  strange  fact  that,  go  tlirongh  any  part  of  the 
city  you  choose,  frequented  highway  or  seldom  trodden  by- 
way, and  still  the  same  sight  greets  you.  Lying  in  am- 
bush, as  it  were,  they  suggest  mouse-traps  to  the  contem- 
plative mind — "  springes  to  catch  woodcock  "  as  Hamlet 
hath  it. 

They  assume  fantastic  shapes  upon  the  ground,  reminding 
one  at  times  of  the  apple-paring  that  girls  throw  over  their 
heads  to  tell  the  first  letter  of  their  true-love's  name,  and 
then,  anon,  from  a  different  point  of  view,  they  look  very 
like  a  weasel  or  a  squirrel-cage,  sometimes  being  "  backed 
like  a  camel." 

Horses  occasionally  tangle  their  feet  in  them,  and  wonder 
what  they  are.  I  saw  a  hungry  brute  stick  his  nose  into  one 
the  otlier  day,  with  a  sniff"  and  a  snort  of  intense  delight.  He 
thought  he  had  found  an  oat  bag. 

He  must  have  thought  that  women  have  a  strange  way  of 
Bowing  their  wild  oats ! 

1  wish  to  protest  against  this  growing  habit,  among  our 
representative  women,  of  indiscriminate  skirt-shedding.  It 
may  be  urged  that  women  in  this  thing  are  no  more  culpable 
than  crabs,  that  they  simply  obey  a  similar  natural  law,  and 
have  the  same  right  to  strew  their  quills  around  that  the  por- 
cupine has,  but  I  think  differently.  There  is  a  law  against 
obstructing  the  streets. 

Again,  do  we  not  nightly  pray  to  be  delivered  from  temp- 
tation— to  be  preserved,  so  to  speak,  from  the  snare  of  the 
fowler  as  well  as  from  the  pestilence  that  walketh  at  noon- 
day ?  And  here  we  have  the  temptation  planted  like  a  hand- 
grenade  at  our  very  feet,  the  snare  set  like  a  gill-net  for  sal- 
mon, in  the  channels  we  most  frequent! 

Do  no  sacred  memories  cling  to  these  skirts,  that  they 
should  be  thus  profaned  ?  The  poet-lover,  apostrophizing 
his  mistress'  girdle,  says  : — 

"  Give  me  but  what  this  ribbon  bound — 
Take  all  the  rest  the  sun  goes  round." 

If  locks  of  hair  and  faded  gloves  be  so  prized  that  occa- 


SAVE  THE  HOOP-IEON.  435 

sionally  at  some  old  miser's  death  one  is  found  iu  his  strong 
box,  tied  with  a  knot  of  bhie  ribbon  and  embahned  in  an  ex- 
planation which  tells  that  the  dead  miser  valued  it  above  all 
his  treasures,  what  value  would  not  attach  to  one  of  these 
discarded  skirts  as  a  memento  !  Think  of  it,  women  ;  do  not 
rob  your  tresses  of  a  single  hair  as  a  keepsake  for  him  who 
kneels  and  begs,  but  send  him  some  of  these  hair  springs  in- 
stead, and  then  he  will  indeed  have  something  to  remember 
you  by.  At  any  rate,  do  not  cast  them  out  like  lumps  of 
salt  that  have  lost  their  savor  to  be  trodden  under  the  foot  of 
man.  The  simile  is  not  a  bad  one,  for  a  spring  and  a  sum- 
mersault   are  very  much  the  same  thing. 

Forget  or  ignore  if  you  choose,  the  springs  that  have  pas- 
sed over  your  head,  but  do  not  scatter  them  abroad  in  this 
reckless  way.  For  by  this  practice  your  springs  indeed  go  a 
second  time  to  waist ! 

The  most  sacred  things  come  to  be  regarded  with  irrever- 
ence if  made  common,  and  by  this  practice  of  yours  the  inner 
mysteries  of  the  temple  arc  revealed,  when  we  should  be 
taught  to  approach  even  the  vestibule  with  the  air  of  men 
conscious  that  they  are  treading  on  holy  ground.  The  dif- 
ference between  picking  up  an  empty  skirt  that  is  strewn  in 
our  path  and  walking  away  with  it,  and  doing  the  same  thing 
by  the  first  one  that  comes  along  with  a  woman  in  it,  seems 
very  slight  indeed.  Picking  up  the  empty  shells  that  lie  along 
the  beacii,  honest  and  unshellfish  as  one  could  be  in  the  out- 
set, might  soon  bring  a  man  to  a  point  of  demoralization  at 
which  he  would  not  liesitato  to  gather  one  that  had  a  soft- 
ehell  crab  inside  it,  and  take  it  along  with  him. 

As  the  poet  very  cleverly  puts  it : — 

"  These  hoops  arc  monsters  of  such  hideous  mien, 
That  to  be  hated  need  but  be  seen, 
But  seen  too  oft,  familiar  with  tlicir  place, 
We  first  endure,  then  pity,  then  embrace." 

I  regard  those  lines  of  the  Pope,  above  quoted,  as  constitu- 
ting in  their  entirety  one  of  the  best  encyclical  letters  over 
written. 


436  NOT  ON  OUR  SKIRTS  THE  SIN. 

Hitherto  I  have  taken  high  moral  and  esthetic  ground  in 
my  argument,  when  perhaps  it  were  better  had  I  taken  a 
more  practical,  in  fact  an  economic,  view  of  the  subject. 
Having  asked  if  no  sacred  memories  cling  to  these  skirts, 
allow  me  in  conclusion  to  inquire  : — Is  there  no  value  in  old 
iron  ?  Is  it  not  possible  to  beat  the  steel  of  which  they  are 
composed  into  ploughshares  ? 

Certes  I  should  like  a  share,  even  a  ploughshare,  of 
them  myself.  And  with  one  admonition,  ladies,  I  leave 
you.  Abandon  your  entrenchments  if  you  like,  but  do  not 
voluntarily  throw  them  into  the  hands  of  your  enemy;  if 
you  do,  the  sin  be  upon  your  own  skirts ! 


CHAPTER  LXI. 

A   LECTURE   APROPOS   OF    A   LECTURE. 

ON"  learning  that  a  Mrs.  Cnppy  had  come  upon  the  stage, 
I  got  into  a  horse-car  and  went  to  see  her.  Being 
familiar  with  a  young  man  by  the  name  of  Guppy,  it  was 
natural  enough  to  want  to  know  a  woman  by  the  name  of 
Cuppy,  as  an  offset.  I  found  a  medium — of  medium  size, 
medium  intelh'gence,  and  medium  good  looks.  Her  theme 
was  "  Woman,  her  aim,  her  end."  On  the  whole  I  con- 
sider the  young  woman  by  the  name  of  Cuppy  rather  a 
friend  of  tliat  sex  whereof  I  am  an  ornament,  for  she 
admits  us  to  equality,  social  and  mental,  with  her  own.  Nor 
does  she  seem  to  think  man  is  the  tyrant  he  is  supposed 
to  be  by  that  large  body  of  amiable  spinsters  who  despise 
him  in  the  abstract  because  he  will  not  marry  thein,  and 
hate  him  in  detail  because  he  will  not  allow  them  to  vote. 

The  main  point  of  the  Cuppy  creed  is,  that  what  degrades 
woman  also  degrades  man  ;  and  as  no  one  to  my  knowledge 
has  ever  seriously  disputed  the  general  truth  of  this  proposi- 
tion, it  will  probably  be  acce]itcd  by  all.  "If  there  be  fallen 
women,"  cries  Cuppy,  "  are  there  not  also  fallen  men  ?  Why 
drive  one  party  to  the  sin  from  your  doors,  and  introduce 
the  other  to  your  daughters  V  And  there  is  some  sense  in. 
this.  To  my  own  thinking  the  honors  are  easy,  and  it  is 
not  very  safe  to  prophesy  where  the  odd  trick  will  lie  at  the 
close  of  the  game.  For  society  is  not  unliko  tlic  i>lay  of 
"tctering"  in  wliifli  children  so  mucli  indulge — there's 
a  log  for  a  fulcrum,  and  men  and  women  sit  balancing  on  tlie 
opposite  ends  of  planks.     It  is  a  sea-saw  game  all  round.     If 


438  EASIER  TO  FLY  THAN  TO  LIGHT. 

the  man  teters  the  woman  off  and  she  falls,  by  all  natural 
laws  he  should  fall,  too  ;  there  is  no  particular  reason  why 
he  should  go  up  while  she  goes  down ! 

Admitting  this,  however,  conscious  of  the  unpleasant  con- 
sequences which  must  ensue  to  both,  why  will  women  sit  so 
near  the  edge  of  the  plank  ?  In  that  they  are  wrong.  Not 
custom,  alone,  but  the  eternal  fitness  of  things  as  well,  order 
that  while  man  may  sit  astride,  woman  must  ride  sideways, 
which  gives  her  a  much  less  firm  seat  in  the  saddle.  Under 
such  circumstances  she  ought  to  mind  her  reins  and  not  at- 
tempt to  do  much  fancy  riding.  It  is  from  a  desire  to  show 
off  her  horsemanship,  an  ambition  to  cavort  around,  ride 
with  the  snaffle-rein,  when  she  ought  not  to  drop  the  curb 
for  a  moment,  give  her  nag  his  head  and  then  stop  at  full 
speed,  do  all  manner  of  circus  trichs,  and  show  how  near  she 
can  come  to  falling  off  without  actually  falling,  that  most 
accidents  occur. 

Sam  Patch  entertained  the  opinion  that  some  things  could 
be  done  as  well  as  others — and  jumped  oft' Niagara  Falls  to 
prove  it.  The  result,  as  in  very  many  parallel  cases,  proved 
that  the  jumping  off  could  be  done  easily  enough,  but  that 
getting  back  was  quite  another  matter.  The  man  who 
thought  he  could  fly  as  well  as  a  fowl,  and  started  from 
the  roof  of  his  barn  to  try  the  experiment,  remarked  subse- 
quently that  though  flying  was  easy  enough,  it  was  the 
devil  and  all  when  it  came  to  lighting.  And  that  is 
where  all  the  trouble  comes  in.  Woman  can  flap  her  wings 
and  crow  well  enough  with  something  solid  under  her  feet, 
but  let  her  once  leave  the  old  foundations  and  the  bringing 
up  is  sure  to  be  sudden  and  sharp. 

Admitting,  however,  the  original  proposition  that  some 
things  can  be  done  as  well  as  others,  I  apprehend  that  very 
few  will  dispute  that  man  can  do  some  things  which  woman 
cannot — some  things  which  she  should  not  attempt.  For 
instance,  a  man  can  stand  on  his  head  without  seriously  com- 
promising his  respectability,  but  with  the  present  style  of 
feminine  dress  a  woman  could  not  successfully  perform  the 


WHY  WOMAN  SHOULD  NOT  STAND  ON  HER  HEAD.        439 

feat  in  public  without  bringing  upon  herself  reproach  and 
scandal.  That  the  style  of  dress  which  debars  a  woman 
from  the  glorious  privilege  of  sticking  her  heels  up  on  the 
mantel-piece  and  leaning  back  at  her  ease,  is  a  correct  one,  I 
do  not  argue.  But  until  that  style  of  dress  is  changed,  is 
it  not  the  better  plan,  for  her  to  sit  square  in  her  chair, 
mind  her  knitting,  and  no  matter  what  man  may  do,  content 
herself  with  doing  simply  what  is  right — avoiding  all  ex- 
periments ?  The  presence  of  a  woman  is  generally  necessary 
to  make  up  the  sum  of  any  sin  against  etiquette.  Thus,  if 
no  woman  were  in  the  room,  a  man  might  scrape  his  feet  on 
the  topmost  shelf  of  the  bookcase  while  his  head  lay  level 
with  the  floor,  and  not  be  guilty  of  much  more  than  original 
sin ;  but  were  a  woman  present  he  could  not  indulge  to  that 
extent  without  committing  a  positive  crime.  And  as  with 
manners,  very  much  so  with  morals — to  complete  the  scan- 
dal and  the  sin  of  anything  a  woman  must  be  there. 

"Woman  has  her  sphere — why  can  she  not  be  content  to 
let  man  have  his  ?  He  smokes,  chews,  spits,  drinks,  and 
swears.  All  this  is  wrong  in  him,  but  in  woman  it  is,  or 
at  least  seems,  worse.  Now,  instead  of  starting  out  with 
the  laudable  intention  of  proving  that  the  sin  of  doing 
these  things  is  no  greater  in  woman  than  in  man,  why 
would  it  not  be  better  for  Mrs.  Cuppy  to  advise  her  friends 
to  2'efiain  from  smoking,  chewing,  spitting,  swearing — and 
even  the  worse  vices  to  which  men  arc  said  to  be  prone? 
Certainly  there  is  no  reason,  a])stractly  speaking,  why  what 
degrades  or  compromises  a  woman  should  not  degrade  or 
compromise  a  man  quite  as  much.  Nor  is  there  any  reason, 
perhaps,  why  the  blow  which  would  merely  make  a  man  open 
his  eyes  slightly  wider  than  usual  should  knock  a  woman 
over ;  but  such  is  the  fact,  nevertheless.  And  it  must  be  re- 
membered, that  besides  being  the  stronger  vessel  man  is  gen- 
erally supposed  to  be  the  darker  colored — i.  e.,  psychologi- 
cally speaking.  AVhat  scarcely  stains  him  smutches  her,  in  the 
natural  order  of  things,  to  a  degree  which  attracts  the  atten- 
tion of  all.     To  illustrate  my  idea,  what  would  be  considered 


440  THE  APPLE  BUSINESS. 

cleanly  enough  in  a  spittoon  would  not  be  so  considered  in  a 
saucer ;  and  to  carry  the  comparison  still  further,  the  spit- 
toon would  swim  where  the  saucer  Avould  sink  at  the  first 
shock.  I  do  not  know  why  this  is  so,  but  so  it  is ;  and  why 
does  not  woman,  in  the  very  fact  that  a  higher  standard  of 
purity  is  expected  in  her  than  of  man,  recognize  the  great- 
est compliment  that  could  be  paid  her,  and  not  insist  on 
placing  both  sexes  on  an  equal  footing? 

I  crave  the  pardon  of  my  sex  for  the  simile  of  the 
spittoon,  but  the  saucer  followed  naturally  enough  upon 
Cuppy. 

One  thing  woman  ought  to  be  satisfied  with — though  she 
plucked  the  apple,  it  stuck  in  Adam's  throat  and  still  sticks 
in  the  throats  of  all  his  male  line.  Perhaps  I  may  here 
remark  that  it  is  about  the  first  instance — I  will  not  say  the 
only  one — on  record  of  the  female's  volunteering  to  provide 
food  for  the  family,  the  curse  of  earning  bread  by  the  sweat 
of  the  brow  having  principally  fallen  upon  the  masculine 
persuasion,  as  well  as  the  duty  of  earning  new  bonnets  and 
paying  dressmakers'  bills  by  the  same  sudorous  process — a 
clause,  by  the  way,  which  has  since  been  added  to  the  pen- 
alty, for  I  do  not  find  it  written  in  the  original  curse.  As 
for  the  first  dress,  I  do  not  know.  There  is  no  reason  to 
believe  that  it  was  a  very  expensive  affair,  but  I  incline  to 
think  that  Adam  climbed  the  tree  for  the  leaves,  and  that  he 
was  specially  commanded  to  get  the  biggest  and  brightest 
ones  the  garden  afibrded,  even  if  he  broke  his  neck  in  doing 
it.  The  first  woman  cost  Adam  a  rib,  and  depend  upon  it 
that  all  his  descendants  since  have  paid  pretty  dear  for 
their  whistles.  Courts  are  generally  willing  to  respond  to 
the  complaints  of  injured  innocence,  and  you  have  seldom 
known  suicides  to  follow  wliere  heavy  damages  are  given. 
And  one  cannot  go  over  the  newspapers  very  well,  without 
coming  to  the  conclusion  that  man  suffers  quite  as  much 
from  woman's  falseness  as  does  woman  from  man's  baseness. 

Why  are  not  the  sex  happy  in  the  delightful  bill  of  exemp- 
tions which  they  are  permitted  to  file  ?     True,  honor  in  a 


WOMAN'S  EXEMPTIONS.  441 

man  and  honor  in  a  woman  carry  two  different  significations, 
but  the  man,  after  all,  is  held  to  quite  a  rigorous  standard. 
He  is  expected  to  keep  his  promises  and  fulfill  his  engage- 
ments. What  woman  is  ?  He  is  held  to  strict  account  for 
any  little  assertions  he  may  make  concerning  his  neighbor, 
his  neighbor's  wife,  or  anything  else  that  is  his  neighbor's. 
Women  everywhere  have  charming  imnmnity.  K  a  woman 
squeeze  a  man's  hand,  look  sideways  or  wink  at  him,  and 
then  after  all  refuse  to  marry  him,  he  cannot  shoot  her  and 
receive  the  sympathy  of  all  the  fools  the  round  world  con- 
tains— that  is  to  say,  of  by  far  the  greater  portion  of  its 
population.  Taken  jill  in  all,  it  really  seems  to  me  that 
woman — for  whom  I  have  the  greatest  esteem  and  affection 
— has  comparatively  little  to  complain  of,  as  this  world  goes. 
And  I  am  the  more  established  in  this  faith  because,  with  a 
few  remarkable  exceptions,  they  are  silent.  The  Laura  Fair 
trial  has,  perhaps,  done  more  to  comfort  and  console  the 
dear  creatures  than  anything  else  that  has  occurred  since 
the  flood  ;  and  they  hide  their  woes  and  wrongs  away  with 
their  revolvers  in  their  bosoms  with  a  reticence  that  is  quite 
delightful  under  the  circumstances! 

Ko,  no,  Mrs.  Cuppy  ;  instead  of  discussing  where  the  sin 
lies,  and  whether  or  not  society  is  right  in  exacting  the  pen- 
alty where  it  does,  why  not  accept  the  situation,  and  persuade 
all  the  sisterhood,  in  view  thereof,  to  walk  in  the  path  of 
purity  and  peace.  H  they  do,  all  trouble  is  at  an  end,  for 
it  is  an  indisputable  fact  that  the  solution  of  at  least  that 
social  question  rests  wholly  with  your  own  sex  ! 

And  notwithstanding  what  I  have  written  in  llie  excite- 
ment of  the  moment,  consequent  upon  having  my  first  say 
on  an  all-absorbing  topic,  I  insist  upon  it  that  I  am  not  a 
monster.  To  the  charms  of  woman  in  the  abstract  I  have 
never  been  indifferent,  and  seldom,  if  ever,  have  I  ])ermitted 
an  opportunity  of  turning  off  a  complimentary  verse  to  one 
in  the  concrete,  to  i)ass  unimproved.  Scarce  a  week  ago  I 
was  walking  in  a  garden  with  a  yung  woman  whose  first 
name  was  not  Hose,  when   a  humming-bird  came  buzzing 


442  ALL  DONE  FOR  A  YOUNG  WOMAN. 

among  the  flowers.  "  If  you  were  a  bee-bird  what  would 
you  do  ?"  asked  the  young  woman  whose  first  name  was  not 
Rose.  Without  a  moment's  hesitation,  1  tore  the  lining 
from  my  hat  and  astonished  the  field-mice  with  the  fol- 
lowing : — 

IF  I  WERE  A  BEE-BIRD. 

If  I  were  a  bee-bird 

What  would  I  do? 
I'll  tell  to  no  other, 

Darling,  but  you. 
On  the  breast  of  the  Lily, 

Folding  my  wings — 
Think  it  no  harm,  darling, 

'Tii  a  bee  sings — 

There  I'd  repose  me 

All  of  the  (lay, 
None  of  the  garden 

Should  tempt  me  away : 
The  Tulip,  proud  lady, 

I  would  disdain, 
The  Violet's  blue  eyes  should 

Woo  me  in  vain. 

The  tears  of  the  Blue-bell 

Ever  might  full ; 
The  Rose  and  the  Woodbine 

Cling  to  the  wall, 
The  Cowslip  and  Daisy 

Lie  in  the  sun, 
I  would  not  kiss  them — 

Never  a  one. 

But  alone  with  my  Lily 

Ever  I'd  rest. 
Kissing  the  blossom 

Of  her  white  breast — 
Think  it  no  harm,  darling, 

Not  mine  the  tongue — 
I  but  interpret 

What  the  bee  sung ! 


THE  KNIGHT  ABOUT  TO  CASTLE. 


CHAPTER    LXII. 

IN     WHICH     THE     KEADER     MEETS     A     METKICAI,     TALE     OF    THB 

MIDDLE   AGES. 

SIR  Walter  de  Gray  was  a  gallant  young  knight 
As  ever  was  seen  at  a  feast  or  a  fight — 
Ever  first  at  the  battle  and  first  at  the  board, 
Were  it  blood  to  be  tapped  or  wine  to  be  poured. 
And  little  the  marvel  that  Walter  was  tough, 
For  the  life  of  a  ruffler  in  that  d;iy  was  rough. 
The  most  of  his  time  in  the  saiiille  was  spent, 
Or,  when  arms  tired  his  arms,  he  retired  to  a  tent, 
And  hung  out  a  trumpet  in  reach  of  his  foes, 
A  blow  upon  which  was  precursor  of  blows  ! 
Of  a  sooth  his  armed  heels  he  might  proudly  display, 
For  he  won  them  their  spurs  upon  Ascalon's  day ; 
Though  then  but  a  squire,  he  so  wrought  in  the  fight 
That  Richard  ere  bed-time  said,  "Walter,  good  knight!" 
He  had  charged  on  the  Moslem  alone  without  feres  ; 
And  had  raised  such  a  din  about  Saladin's  ears, 
That  the  foe  to  their  Prophet  cried,  "Shield  us,  we  pray, 
From  the  old  devil  black  and  this  young  devil  gray  !" 

Sir  Walter,  of  course,  was  a  favorite  with  dames — 
The  reason  none  know  and  sure  nobody  blames  ; 
But  certain  it  is  that  bright  plumes  and  bright  swords 
Have  made  bright  eyes  forget  both  the  Lord  and  their  lords, 
And  that  down  to  this  day  there  is  nothing  that  charms 
The  sex  called  divine  like  a  good  "  man  at  arms." 
To  tell  truth  of  my  knight,  our  Good  Lady  above 
Came  in  for  a  very  small  share  of  his  love; 
If  he  knelt  at  her  shrine  it  is  more  than  I  know. 
But  I'll  vouch  that  he  knelt  him  to  many  below  ; 
For  these  saddle-trained  men  -verc  sad  rovers  at  best, 
And  their  love— like  their  lances— but  seldom  knew  rest. 

Sir  Walter  for  squire  had  as  merry  a  knavo 
As  ever  braced  liehnel  or  bucklcil  a  glaive; 
Stout  John  was  the  man  a  young  master  to  aid. 
For,  ready  alike  with  his  tongue  and  his  blade, 

443 


444:  THE  KNIGHT  CASTLES. 

He  would  ride  by  your  side  and  cut  throats  or  a  joke, 

As  the  need  might  demand  or  the  humor  provoke. 

He  could  tell  you  Ion-  stories—  some  sad  and  some  queer — 

Of  a  Barbary  far  and  of  Barbaras  near; 

For  John  had  explored  every  nook  in  the  world 

Where  a  petticoat  fluttered  or  pennon  unfurled; 

He  had  followed  the  steps  of  an  optician  knight 

Who  sought  to  restore  the  old  Sepulchre's  site. 

Yet,  I  grieve  to  record,  did  not  save  it  from  loss- 

They  were  crossed  in  their  efforts  by  foes  of  the  Cross! 

But  I  cannot  recount  every  region  and  spot 

Where  my  good  John  had  been — nor  can  you  where  he'd  not! 

Well  :— 

As  the  knight  and  his  squire  scoured  the  country  one  day, 
In  quest  of  some  straggler  to  succor  or  slay, 
They  espied  a  fair  castle — the  evening  was  nigh, 
And  my  heroes  were  weary,  and  hungry,  and — dry. 
Said  the  squire,  "  What  will  next  be  the  move  of  the  knight?" 
Quoth  Sir  Walter,  "  I'll  castle."     Said  John,  "  That  move's  right !" 
So  they  spurred  on  like  men  of  decision  and  tact, 
On  the  spur  of  the  moment  accustomed  to  act. 
Till  they  came  to  the  gates — not  a  soul  was  exposed. 
The  drawbridge  was  up  and  the  portcullis  closed ; 
But  a  horn  hung  outside — they  had  never  heard  tell 
In  that  quaint  Middle  Age  of  a  door  with  a  bell. 
Quoth  stout  John,  "When  a  traveler  is  wearied  and  worn, 
He  cannot  be  censured  for  taking  a  horn  !" 
So  he  put  to  his  lips,  and  he  wound  such  a  blast 
That  the  churchyard,  next  door,  thought  that  day  was  the  last ; 
And  a  gambler  who  long  had  lain  there  in  a  dump 
Stepped  out  and  demanded  if  that  was  the  trump  ; 
While  the  baron  inside  swore  he  hadn't  a  doubt 
If  that  man  were  a  candle  he'd  blow  himself  out ; 
And  the  old  warder  sprang  to  unfasten  the  chains. 
Lest  the  parties  outside  should  blow  out  their  brains. 
"  You  make,"  said  the  graybeard,  as  John  cantered  through, 
"More  noise  with  one  horn  than  the  Foul  Fiend  with  two!" 

Inside  of  the  castle  was  feasting  and  cheer — 
It  was  wassail  and  wine,  beef,  brandy  and  beer — 
Till  the  evening  had  waned,  when  the  baron  arose  : — 
"Fair  sirs,  if  it  please,  ere  we  go  to  repose, 
A  few  strains  on  the  harp  my  daughter  shall  play." 
"We  attend  the  fiiir  harpist,"  said  Walter  de  Gray. 

Don't  tremble,  good  reader,  T  mean  not  to  tell 
Of  the  beauties  and  charms  of  the  fair  Isabel ; 


THE  KNIGHT  RETIRES  TO  HIS  SQUARE.  445 

For  Sir  Walter  that  night  bored  the  poor  sleepy  John 
With  such  tales  of  these  trifles  that,  when  he  had  done, 
The  squire  spoke  liirn,  briefly : — "  I  see,  though  too  late, 
This  castling  was  wrong — it  will  end  in  a  mate." 

That  night  my  poor  knight  very  little  sleep  knew. 
And  he  woke  up  his  squire  ere  the  cock  fairly  crew ; 
"God save  us,"  cried  John,  "  have  this  young  damsel's  charms 
Turned  thy  brain,  that  thus  early  we  take  us  to  arms  ?" 

Quoth  the  knight,  "  Save  thy  jokes,  for  they  please  me  not  well ; 
We  fell  on  this  castle — you  wot  what  befell  ; 
Unhelmed  and  unhorsed,  on  my  knees  and  in  need, 
I  have  called  on  my  squire — shall  I  see  thee  secede?" 

"  Nay,  nay,"  said  stout  John,  "  and  no  caitiff"  shall  dare 
Say  the  squire  leaves  the  knight  till  the  knight  leaves  his  square; 
You  shall  mount,  and  I'll  make  you  quite  rich  in  a  trice 
With  the  coin  that  rich  men  give  to  poor — good  advice. 
If  you're  saddled  by  love,  and  the  boy's  bridal  rein 
Holds  you  steady  in  check,  it  is  useless  to  strain 
And  fret,  and  grow  restive ;  man,  learn  from  lliy  horse. 
And  take  the  field  fair  like  a  courser,  of  course." 

"Alas  !  my  good  squire,"  said  Sir  Walter  de  Gray, 
"  I  have  heard  horses  whinney  and  fillies  cry  neigh." 

Quoth  John,  "  I  have  ridden  beside  thee  in  fight, 
And  each  dec.l  was  indeed  like  a  gallant  Sir  Knight ; 
Upon  bombards  we've  charged  in  the  far  sunny  South — 
Shall  we  blench  from  the  fire  of  a  fair  lady's  mouth  ?" 

Sir  Walter  was  silent,  but  soon  he  arose, 
And  in  dressing  that  morning  he  donned  his  best  clothes. 
Perhaps  I  am  wrong,  but  I've  noticed  this  much  : — 
When  young  men  to  their  dress  give  artistical  touch, 
The  thing  is  portentous  as  clouds  in  the  sky  ; 
You  may  know  that  a  wedding  or  funeral  is  nigh. 

Well  :— 

Sir  Walter  that  morning  threw  armor  afar 
And  instead  of  his  falchion  he  bore  a  guitar  ; 
In  the  garden  below  soon  a  tinkling  was  heard. 
And  the  baron,  lialf  roused,  damned  an  innocent  bird. 

I  remember  that  once  some  young  ladies  next  door 
Had  a  serenade — time,  in  the  morning,  at  four — 
And  they  opened  their  window,  and  flung  out  bouquetB 
On  the  brazen  young  ass  wlio  woke  me  willi  liis  bray.s, 
I  remarked  to  my  wife,  "  had  he  come  beneath  ours, 
I'd  have  flung  out  some  favor  less  fragrant  than  flowers." 
But  tastes  don't  agree — to  return  to  my  thcmo, 
I'll  tell  you  the  words  that  broke  Isabel's  dream. 


446  A  KNIGHT  SERENADE. 

Oh,  Lady,  leave  thy  slumber  now, 

For  birds  their  matins  tell ; 
The  gems  of  Night  deck  Morning's  brow ; 

Come  down  my  Isabel ! 

The  rose  is  breathing  its  sweet  prayer, 

And  every  lily-bell 
Is  ringing  fragrance  on  the  air ; 

Come  down,  my  Isabel ! 

And  I  have  found  an  angel's  tear — 

This  dew  upon  the  dell — 
To  mirror  back  thy  beauty  clear ; 

Come  down  my  Isabel ! 

I  bent  above  a  blushing  flower. 

And  heard  the  rose  queen  tell 
To  bring  the  brightest  to  her  bower; 

Come  down  my  Isabel ! 

The  stars  swing  silent  in  the  sky ; 

So  soft  the  zephyrs  swell. 
They  scarce  can  drown  a  lover's  sigh ; 

Come  down  my  Isabel ! 

The  lady  came  down,  the  knight  knelt  in  the  dew. 
What  he  said  as  he  knelt  there  is  nothing  to  you  ; 
The  act  was  imprudent,  he  spoiled  his  guitar 
And  returned  to  the  house  with  a  shocking  catarrh. 

When  Sir  Walter  and  John  after  breakfast  had  met — 
John  never  stirred  out  while  the  grass- plat  was  wet — 
"  Tell  me  now,"  said  the  squire,  "  have  we  gleamings  of  light? 
One  would  say  by  thy  face  'twas  a  very  dark  knight." 

It  was  Walter  that  spoke,  and  his  tongue  was  as  slow 
As  the  bell's  that  is  tolled  to  tell  tidings  of  woe  : — 
"  Alas  for  my  love  and  alas  for  my  grief. 
And  alas  for  my  lady,  her  father — the  thief — 
To  the  musty  old  church  his  fair  daughter  has  given, 
And  to-morrow  the  maid  will  be  wedded  to  Heaven  !" 

Loud  laughed  the  stout  squire : — "  By  this  blade  good  and  bright, 
I  will  swear  she  had  rather  be  wed  to  a  knight !" 

"  One  hope,"  said  Sir  Walter,  "  one  only  remains, 
The  hand  that  has  forged  may  unrivet  the  chains." 

So  they  sought  out  the  baron;  they  found  him  at  play    ] 
With  two  kittens — his  felines  were  tender  you'll  say: 
Sir  Walter  spoke  deftly :— "  Thy  daughter  is  fair 
As  the  brow  of  the  morning,  and  pure  as  a  prayer ; 


THE  KNIGHT  AND  BISHOP  BOTH  MOVE.  447 

Through  all  the  wide  land  can  no  lady  be  found — " 
The  baron  called  "  puss,"  and  he  looked  on  the  ground: 
"What's  this,"  whispered  Walter,  "why  calls  he  the  cat?" 
"  I  opine,"  saith  the  squire,  "  that  he  smelleth  a  rat !" 

The  baron  then  spoke  : — "  In  his  young  knightly  days 
He'd  been  given,"  he  said,  "  to  some  weak,  wicked  ways — 
Such  as  sacking  of  churches  and  burning  of  priests. 
And  robbing  poor  boors  of  their  beauties  and  beasts ; 
But  long  since  of  his  sins  he  repented  sincere — 
Now  the  sight  of  his  wine  made  him  think  of  his  bier — 
And  he'd  deeded  away  both  his  castle  and  cliild 
To  atone  for  deeds  done  while  his  young  blood  ran  wild  ; 
And  the  abbot  had  promised  that  church  bells  should  toll, 
And  masses  of  masses  be  said  for  his  soul. 
And  he  hinted  that  now,  since  the  day  was  well  through, 
The  knight  should  crawl  on,  and  'twas  time  for  a  dew." 

"By  my  soul,''  cried  the  squire  "what  a  villainous  sham! 
It  is  meet  that  we  met  this  poor  innocent  lamb ; 
How  next  shall  we  move  to  win  us  the  game?" 

"  Alas,"  said  Sir  Walter,  "  I  fear  to  my  shame 
We  must  call  it  a  draw  !  " 

"  Nay,"  said  John,  "  that  were  green, 
Put  a  check  on  his  bishop  and  capture  the  queen." 

There  was  bustle  next  morning  the  castle  about, 
It  was  bustle  within  and  more  bustle  without. 
For,  in  cowl  and  in  surplice,  on  foot  and  on  horse. 
The  monks  and  the  priests  had  turned  out  in  such  force, 
That  a  varlet  remarked,  as  they  wound  o'er  the  plain  : — 
"  There's  been  theft  of  honey  when  Iutcs  swarm  amain." 

All  was  pomp  and  display  :  Isabel  was  to  go 
As  a  bride  to  a  convent — conventionally  so — 
For  I've  told  you  before  that  her  heart  and  her  hand, 
"With  their  achings  and  aches,  and  some  acres  of  land, 
Had  been  pledged  to  a  groom  of  exceeding  great  worth, 
But  vexatiously  distant  just  then  from  the  earth  ; 
So  the  bishop  himself  had  consented  to  ride, 
And  in  lieu  of  the  groom  to  bridle  the  bride. 

Good  sooth,  tlicre  was  l)ustle  enougli  on  that  mom — 
You'd  have  tliouglit  that  a  babe  or  a  Babel  was  born! 
But  the  noise  and  confusion  were  ddnMcd,  I  wist. 
When  Dame  Margy  cried  that  her  young  miss  she  missed. 

The  bishop  first  spoke: — "  By  the  altar  and  pyx, 
What  spawn  of  the  fiend  has  left  us  in  this  fix  ? 
Steal  a  bride  from  the  altar !  a  curse  on  his  soul, 
As  soon  I'd  have  thought  he  had  stolen  my  stole! 


448  THE  BISHOP  IN  CHECK— THE  KNIGHT  MATED. 

One  wag  of  a  monk  said  that  all  had  gone  right, 
Since  "  the  bridegroom  had  come  like  a  thief  in  the  night." 
But  this  joke  of  the  cloth  on  such  barren  ground  fell, 
That  the  merry  Anselmo  was  sent  to  his  cell. 

The  old  baron  swore  by  his  heels  and  his  head, 
And  his  heart  and  his  hair,  and  by  everything  red ; 
And  he  launched  out  his  oaths  with  such  desperate  force, 
That  he  shocked  a  poor  innocent  priest  from  his  horse  ; 
Even  strangers,  who  knew  not  his  title  and  place, 
Would  have  said  by  his  speech  he  was  barren  of  grace. 

The  abbot  he  cursed — and  the  abbot  cursed  well- 
In  the  orthodox  way,  by  book,  candle,  and  bell ; 
He  uncorked  several  vials  of  desperate  wrath, 
And  poured  the  contents  on  the  fugitives'  path. 

But  the  curses  and  oaths — though  they  traveled  as  fast 
As  bolts  from  the  bow,  or  as  leaves  on  the  blast — 
Could  not  catch  the  three  rideaways — John  on  his  bay, 
Isabel  with  her  roan — and  her  own  was  a  Gray — 
And  cooling  long  since,  they  have  hardened  to  stones, 
Which  yet  block  that  road  to  the  peril  of  bones. 

MORAL. 

Each  tale  has  a  purpose — the  reader  may  use 
This  story  of  mine  for  what  purpose  he  choose — 
Draw  what  point  he  please  from  the  point  of  my  pen, 
But  one  point  I  must  point  at  all  beardless  young  men. 

If  you  fall  into  love  first  try  hard  to  fall  out, 
If  the  pit  be  too  deep  don't  go  dawdling  about, 
Pop  the  question  at  once  like  a  bolt  from  a  beau. 
For  the  maid  may  say  yes  ere  her  father  can  "  no :" 
Or,  should  she  refuse,  don't  write  verses  or  die. 
But  ask  her  again,  and  again  by-and-by. 
If  engaged  to  another,  to  weaken  the  links 
Just  praise  up  your  rival,  but  hint  that  he  drinks; 
If  she's  gone  to  get  married,  put  on  your  best  clothes — 
She  may  alter  her  mind  at  the  altar — who  knows? 
Though  the  knot  has  been  tied,  do  not  give  up  the  prize, 
But  ask  her  to  have  you  when  that  husband  dies : 
For  love  is  like  chess — both  fields  checkered  the  same- 
While  one  move  is  left  you  may  yet  win  the  game ! 


CHAPTER  LXIII. 

tVHICH   BEGINS  WITH   A   SERMON,  CONTINUES  WITH  A   STORY,  AND 

ENDS   WITH    A    HYMN. 

CHRISTMAS  is  over.  Tliere  is  a  slight  smell  of  sage  and 
onions  in  the  air,  a  lingering  savor  of  tnrkey-stufling  on 
the  stairs,  and  a  vacancy  in  the  chicken-coop  ;  but  this  is  all. 
Tlie  decorations  which  I  periled  my  neck  on  a  rickety  step- 
ladder  to  arrange  are  gone. 

What  did  /get  in  my  stocking?  Nothing,  thank  yon. 
This  year  brought  me  surcease  of  pincushions  and  tiie  like  ; 
young  ladies  don't  throw  these  things  away  on  married  men. 
It  doesn't  matter  much,  for  I  some  time  since  came  to  the 
conclusion  that  the  exchange  of  presents  between  the  sexes 
about  this  time  is  little  better — on  one  side,  at  least — than 
a  robbery.  There  is  a  certain  poetry,  perhaps,  in  the  idea  of 
a  young  lady  giving  something  of  her  own  making ;  but  wliat 
would  be  thought  of  Augustus  Aurelius  if  on  the  blessed 
morning  of  gifts  he  sent  Louisa  Lucinda  wooden  hair-pins, 
ear-rings,  knitting-needles,  or  quill  tooth-picks  M-hicli  his 
manly  hands  had  whittled,  or  an  impossible  a])ron  wliich  his 
fond  fingers  had  fashioned !  Yet  this  is  just  wliat  Louisa 
Lucinda  does  to  him.  It  is  written  : — Man  sliall  not  live  by 
pincushions  alone;  yet  she  piles  them  upon  him. 

So  M'ith  book-marks.  Very  much  the  same  with  sll])pcrs. 
"With  some  limitation  the  statement  is  applicable  to  ])('?i- 
wipers.  If  some  young  man  were  to  dress  himself  in  a  full 
Buit  of  pincushions  and  penwipers  and  call  upon  the  ol)jectof 
his  adoration,  it  might  awaken  tlic  feminine  mind  to  a  sense 
of  its  awful  responsibility  in  such  tilings.  As  a  general  thing, 
29  449 


450  EXCHANGE  OF  PRESENTS. 

one  pincushion  will  last  a  young  man  of  regular  habits  a  life- 
time ;  if  put  to  the  push,  he  can  get  along  comfortably  enough 
without  any  at  all.  For  a  pocket-pincushion,  if  1  may  be  al- 
lowed to  speak  on  a  matter  in  which  I  have  had  extended  ex- 
perience, there  is  nothing  better  than  the  lappel  of  one's  coat. 
"  Shiftless,"  is  it  ?  I've  seen  young  ladies  carry  pins  in  their 
mouth,  and  I  point  with  pardonable  pride  to  the  fact  that  no 
young  man  was  ever  known  to  do  iJiat. 

As  to  book-marks,  it  is  my  firm  conviction  that  you  can- 
not improve  on  a  ruler,  a  lead  pencil,  an  ace  of  spades,  a  boot- 
.jack,  or  anything  else  which  happens  to  be  lying  on  the  table. 
Regular  built  penwipers  are  a  manifest  absurdity.  For  many 
years  of  my  life  I  thought  there  could  be  nothing  to  equal 
the  sleeve  of  a  black  coat,  though  I  now  iind  that  cambric  skirt- 
lining  answers  an  excellent  purpose.  Slippers  are  more  sensi- 
ble. But  if  sent  to  you  soled  and  all  they  never  tit  your  feet ; 
in  the  mysterious  and  awfully  inscrutable  ordering  of  Provi- 
dence the}'^  always  happen  to  be  either  too  large  or  too  small. 
And  to  get  them  soled  yourself  involves  an  expenditure  fear- 
ful to  contemplate,  though  I've  an  idea  that  all  the  various 
patterns  in  chenille  and  worsted  which  have  accumulated  on 
my  shelves  will  get  sold  during  the  present  winter. 

On  the  other  hand  the  masculine  element  in  the  matter  of 
presents  is  expected  to  display  an  oriental  disregard  of  ex- 
pense. Rings  and  pins  of  price,  fans  in  ivory  and  pearl, 
watches  and  chains,  mink  muffs  and  capes,  sealskin  jackets, 
Chantilly  veils,  pianos,  bracelets,  houses  and  lots,  big  bronzes — 
there  is  nothing  which  the  young  man  may  not  give  without 
encountering  remonstrance,  unless  it  be  a  steam-engine,  a 
soap  factory,  or  a  cemetery,  and  even  these  would  be  taken 
under  certain  circumstances. 

But  I  promised  to  do  something  for  the  day  which  should 
instruct  and  edify.  So  if  the  children  all  will  gather  about 
my  Icnee,  I  will  on  at  once  with 

MY   CHKISTMAS    STORY. 

Christmas  comes  but  once  a  year.     This  is  much  to  be  re- 


IX  PRAISE  OF  CHILDISH  CHILDREN.  451 

gretted,  for  it  is  a  very  merry  day,  and  in  tliis  work-day 
world  of  ours  merry  days  are  all  too  few.  If  more  holida^^s 
were  kept  it  would  be  better  for  all  of  us,  and  I  see  no  rea- 
son why  Fourths  of  July,  Thanksgivings,  Christmases  and 
New  Years  might  not  be  indefinitely  multiplied,  without 
harm  to  the  constitution  of  man,  woman,  child,  or  that  of  the 
United  States.  Christmases  especially  should  be  encouraged, 
for  they  beget  in  little  folk  an  orderly  habit  of  hanging  up 
their  stockings  at  uiglit,  and  a  thrifty  trick  of  early  rising, 
which  promotes  health  and  wealth,  to  say  nothing  of  wisdom. 

I  say  nothing  of  wisdom,  because  I  do  not  like  to  see  wise 
children.  Wise  men,  who  doubt  everything  and  believe 
nothing,  are  bad  enough,  but  when  you  come  to  placing  old 
heads  on  young  shoulders  the  affliction  is  terrible.  The  child 
that  knows  all  about  the  continents  and  oceans  and  the  differ- 
ent religious  denominations  never  finds  a  place  on  my  knee, 
but  I  welcome  the  chubby  little  rascal  who  thinks  that  the 
world  was  punched  out  by  the  die  of  creation  flat  and  round, 
that  the  sky  fits  down  on  it  like  a  tin  cover  on  a  plate,  and 
that  he  couldn't  get  beyond  the  horizon  without  lifting 
the  edge  a  little,  holding  that  heaven  is  located  on  the  outer 
surface,  and  that  its  delights  consist  in  a  good  place  to  slide 
down  hill  eternally,  witiiout  the  trouble  of  dragging  the  sled 
up  again,  and  no  suffering  from  cold  feet  and  fingers.  The 
wisest  man  knows  so  little,  tliat  it  is  rcfreshin£c  to  sometimes 
meet  a  child  that  knows  nothing  positively,  but  occasionally 
guesses  fit  a  truth. 

The  only  drawback  to  the  comfort  and  cheer  of  Christmases 
is  that  they  are  cold  and  frosty.  Why  this  should  be  I  do 
not  know,  unless  it  be  to  remind  us  how  far  from  pleasant  it 
would  be  to  lie  in  a  manger  on  such  mornings,  and  how 
many  there  are  who  have  not  even  that  shelter  from  the 
storm. 

The  morning  of  which  I  write  was  a  ver}''  cold  one ;  there 
were  little  flakes  of  frost  in  the  air  that  bit  like  gnats,  and 
the  crisp  6nf)W  crackled  under  foot  until  you  thought  you 
were  treading  on  pipe-stems.     And  how  the  steel  shoes  of 


452  JO  BABBIT'S  CHRISTMAS. 

sleigli  and  horses  do  ring  out  on  sucli  mornings,  fairly  ting- 
ling in  tlie  clear  sharp  air  !     What  need  of  bells  ? 

Few  pleasanter  Christniases  ever  had  dawned.  And  so 
thought  Jo  Babbit  when  the  merry  laugh  of  his  children 
waked  him  with  the  first  blush  of  daylight,  he  in  tnrn  waking 
liiswife — not  that  misery  loves  company,  but  that  pleasure 
does,  and  he  did  not  wish  the  partner  of  his  bosom,  a  broad 
and  capacious  bosom  it  was,  quite  large  enough  for  incorpo- 
ration as  a  joint  stock  company — to  lose  one  lisp  of  their 
delight. 

Jo  Babbit,  Jr.,  had  a  rocking  horse,  for  whose  proper  re- 
ception it  would  have  been  necessary  to  hang  up  a  stable 
instead  of  a  stocking;  and  a  whip,  to  the  handle  of  which 
was  attached  a  note  from  Santa  Clans  direct,  intimating  that 
the  lash  was  sometimes  used  on  naughty  children.  Then  he 
had  a  marvelous  trumpet,  of  burnished  tin,  capable  of  exe- 
cuting as  many  flourishes  and  variations  as  the  best  French 
horn  going ;  and,  besides,  he  had  a  pair  of  worsted  mittens, 
with  bright  red  fringes,  and  connected  together  by  a  cord,  so 
that  it  would,  of  course,  be  impossible  to  lose  one  without 
losing  the  other — the  only  advantage  that  ever  I  could  see  in 
having  things  tied  together. 

Little  Mary  had  a  wax  doll,  not  quite  so  large  as  the  horse, 
and  without  rockers,  but  with  pink  cheeks,  which  the  horse 
had  not,  and  with  nice  clothes,  in  which  again  the  horse  was 
deficient — not  being  a  clothes-horse.  She  had  a  set  of  china, 
too,  with  a  real  sugar-bowl,  so  that  you  could  lift  the  cover 
up,  though  it  required  a  very  small  pair  of  tweezers,  by  way 
of  tongs,  to  get  anything  out ;  and  the  tea-pot  was  made  hol- 
low, with  a  real  hole  in  the  spout,  and  held  very  nearly  a 
large  teaspoonful  of  water.  Altogether,  it  was  quite  a  dish 
to  set  before  a  king.  And  she  had  a  tippet  made  of  squirrel 
skins,  with  the  tails  left  on,  and  a  little  muiFof  the  same  ma- 
terial, with  the  tails  left  off,  but  ornamented  with  the  cun- 
ningest  head  and  claws  that  ever  were  seen.  Altogether,  Jo 
Babbit,  Jr.,  and  little  Mary  had  abundant  cause  for  thanking 


TOM  NOLLIN'S  CHRISTMAS.  453 

Santa  Clans,  and  it  is  little  wonder  tluit  tliej  wanted  their 
parents  to  let  tbeni  go  up  on  tlie  roof  and  leave  some  ginger- 
bread on  the  chinmey-top  for  the  refreshment  of  the  steeds 
Dancer  and  Prancer  and  Dunder  and  Blitzen  on  the  return 
trip. 

Jo  Babbit,  Sr.,  thought  he  had  cause  to  be  thankful,  too, 
and  so  did  Mary,  his  wife.  He  was  a  hard  working  mechanic, 
who  had  risen  to  be  foreman  in  a  large  manufacturing  estab- 
lishment, owning  the  house  he  lived  in,  and  possessed  of  the 
respect  of  all  who  knew  him.  lie  was  held  upas  an  example 
to  all  the  young  men  of  the  neighborhood,  and  mothers  en- 
joined it  upon  their  daughters  to  marry  some  industrious, 
steady  fellow  like  Jo,  and  so  make  their  happiness  certain 
through  life. 

But  I  am  not  sure  that  all  young  women  who  marry  honest, 
industrious  young  men,  are  so  sure  of  hai^j^iness ;  for  there 
was  a  house  not  very  far  from  Jo  Babbit's  where  no  sound  of 
merriment  was  heard  on  Christmas  morning,  though  the 
inmates  were  quite  as  contented. 

Tom  Nollins  served  his  apprenticeship  in  the  same  shop 
with  Jo  Babbit,  and  was  quite  as  good  a  workman,  besides 
being  equally  sober  and  industrious.  Yery  few  mechanics 
ever  started  in  married  life  with  fairer  prospects  than  had 
he,  for  Susan  loved  him,  and  he  had  saved  enough  to  furnish 
a  neat  little  house,  in  addition  to  making  a  payment  on  the 
property  itself,  so  it  might  be  said  that  he  had  a  home  of  his 
own,  for  the  terms  were  easy,  and  three  years  at  the  most 
would  see  the  mortgage  ])aid  off,  the  interest  money  in  the 
meanwhile  being  much  less  than  the  rent  he  would  have  had 
to  pay  had  he  leased  the  house. 

But  honest  and  industrious  mechanics  are  subject  to  ail- 
ments— not  quite  so  much  so  perhaj)S  as  drunken  and  un- 
steady ones,  but  still  subject ;  and  the  harder  a  man  works 
the  more  apt  is  he  to  break  down.  B.ad  luck  IhIVII  p<»or 
Tom.  A  piece  of  machiiuTy  broke  or  flew  (Hit  of  gear  one 
day  and  cut  off  two  of  his  fingers,     llad  he  thrust  them  in 


454  A  LONG  ROAD  AND  NO  TURNING. 

among  tlie  wheels  and  knives  himself,  the  fault  would  in 
some  measure  have  been  his  own — and  right  here  I  should 
have  offered  a  few  reflections  upon  the  sin  of  carelessness, 
and  the  duty  of  keeping  one's  fingers  out  of  engine-lathes 
and  punch-presses — but  this  accident  being  one  which  no  one 
could  foresee,  and  with  which  he  had  nothing  to  do  beyond 
standing  faithfully  at  his  post,  I  refrain. 

Well,  Tom  lost  a  little  time,  for  at  his  kind  of  work  two 
hands  are  necessary,  unless  a  man  has  attained  the  pedal 
proficiency  of  those  remarkable  individuals  who  cut  out 
profiles  and  sketch  landscapes  with  their  toes.  As  soon  as 
possible  he  got  to  the  shop  again,  but,  unfortunately,  in  his 
horror  of  idleness  he  stirred  out  a  little  too  soon ;  inflamma- 
tion set  in  and  he  lost  his  arm,  having  a  narrow  squeak  for 
it,  indeed,  with  his  life.  One-armed  mechanics  have  about 
as  hard  a  time  of  it  as  one-armed  soldiers — without  havinof 
the  pensions  of  the  latter — and  thereafter  Tom  didn't  con- 
trive to  put  much  by  towards  paying  oS.  what  he  owed  on  his 
house,  and  the  consequence  was  that  one  day  he  was  sold 
out,  and  had  to  move  into  such  quarters  as  he  could  get ;  for 
there  are  cases  in  which  it  does  not  behoove  even  those  who 
are  a  respectable  remove  from  beggars  to  be  choosers. 

It  is  said  to  be  a  long  road  which  has  no  turning,  and  indeed 
there  are  many  long  roads  in  life.  Tom's  was  one.  From 
bad  it  went  to  worse,  and  when  the  first  baby  came  there  was 
little  of  merriment  about  the  christening.  Why  a  baby  that 
was  evidently  destined  to  a  tough  struggle  of  it  with  the 
world  should  be  thrown  into  it  with  a  weak  back  I  don't 
know,  and  neither  did  Tom  and  his  wife,  and  so  it  is  little 
wonder  that  they  thought  it  pretty  hard  lines  when  it  be- 
came evident  that  their  darling  would  grow  up — if  grow  up 
he  did — humped  like  a  camel — weighted  for  the  race  instead 
of  allowanced,  as  he  should  have  been  by  turf  custom. 

Poor  Tom  sometimes  felt  discouraged,  but  he  had  a  hope- 
ful mind,  and  never  gave  entirely  up,  often  telling  Susan  that 
the  darkest  hour  was  just  before  day,  and  that  light  would 


THE  WIDOW'S  STRUGGLES.  455 

come  to  them  yet.  Unfortunately,  though,  the  proverb 
scarcely  holds  good  when  a  man  is  sinking ;  the  lower  down 
he  gets  in  the  quicksands  the  darker  it  becomes,  and  when  it 
is  at  the  darkest  he  is  the  most  hopelessly  distant  from  the 
blessed  day.  The  only  way  out  is  by  drop])ing  clean  thiHtu'di 
and  coming  up  on  the  other  side.  And  so  after  going  tliroiigh 
a  series  of  disappointments  and  diseases,  Tom  at  last  lay 
down  and  died — not  by  any  means  that  he  thought  it  the 
best  thing  he  could  do  under  the  circumstances,  but  simply 
because  it  was  the  only  thing  he  could  do.  There  was  a 
cheap  funeral  at  the  city's  expense,  and  Susan  with  the  little 
boy  was  left  to  shift  for  both  hei'self  and  him. 

It  is  said  to  be  a  poor  hen  that  cannot  scratch  for  one 
chicken,  but  when  the  corn  is  locked  up  it  must  be  confessed 
tliat  the  poor  creature  has  hard  scratching  of  it  on  a  bare 
floor.  Making  trowsers  at  sixteen  cents  a  pair,  and  shirts  at 
six  cents  apiece,  with  provisions  np,  and  ever3^thing  to  buy, 
is  l)y  no  means  a  royal  road  to  wealth.  And  the  widow's 
checks  grew  thinner  and  thinner  as  she  bent  over  her  work, 
and  her  form  more  wasted,  but  the  shadow  on  her  ])athway 
never  lessened.  All  her  little  articles  of  furniture  had  one  by 
one  been  sacrificed,  and  novt^  the  end  was  reached — there  was 
nothing  further  to  sell,  however  much  there  was  to  buy. 
When  the  winter  came  it  was  hard  working  with  stiif  fin£rers: 
and  her  little  earnings  dwindled  down  sadly,  but  how  was 
coal  to  be  had?  All  warmth  had  gone  out  of  the  sun,  and 
though  the  stars  shone  into  the  room,  they  gave  only  suflicient 
light  to  make  her  misery  visible,  without  bringing  a  j)artic]c 
of  heat. 

There  were  many  in  the  city  who  liked  the  weather,  and 
wished  it  were  always  winter,  but  the  widow  thought  long- 
ingly of  the  tropics,  where  cold  never  comes,  and  brca(! 
grows  on  trees,  asking  only  to  be  gathered.  And  \vc  can 
scarcely  blame  Tommy  for  sometimes  thinking  that  the  Jlad 
Place  could  not  be  so  bad  after  all,  atul  half  wishing  to  go 
there — it  at  least  would  be  warm.     I*oor  little  fellow  ;  ho 


456  ^  COLD  CHRISTMAS  BOX. 

never  had  lain  in  the  roses  of  life,  but  now  he  was  thrown 
among  brambles  indeed.  If  he  ventured  out  into  the  court- 
yard the  other  children  called  him  "  Ilumpty,"  and  the  men 
kicked  him  out  of  the  way.  Ilis  only  offence  was  not  being 
as  spry  and  straight  as  other  children.  "Why  was  he  not  ? 
Sometimes  he  wondered  whether  God  would  punish  him  for 
not  walking  upright  after  flinging  him  into  the  world  with  a 
crooked  spine.  lie  wondered,  too,  whether  he  should  be  a 
hump-backed  angel,  and  hoped,  oh  so  earnestly,  that  if  he 
went  to  heaven  his  wings  would  grow  so  as  to  conceal  the 
deformity.  His  poor  little  face  so  pinched  and  blue,  and  the 
long  elf  locks  hanging  about  it,  he  looked  to  be  a  gnome- 
child,  and  the  day  when  he  would  go  to  rejoin  his  kindred 
seemed  near.  In  the  faces  of  children  destined  to  die  early 
there  is  always  a  prcternaturally  old  look,  as  though  a  life- 
time were  crowded  into  their  few  years,  or  their  vision  was 
already  penetrating  the  secrets  of  the  future. 

The  end  came  soon,  but  none  too  soon.  Cold  and  starv- 
ation at  last  did  their  work.  The  physician  who  was 
called  when  mother  and  child  were  found  in  each  other's 
arms  on  Christmas  morning — dead — felt  their  cold  pulses 
and  said  they  were  carried  ofE  by  a  sudden  attack  of  con 
— con  ; — it  was  a  w'ord  of  several  syllables,  and  I  do  not 
quite  remember  even  its  pronunciation;  but  unless  it  was 
only  another  name  for  cold  and  starvation,  lie  was  wrong, 
and  I  am  right  in  saying  that  they  did  the  work. 

About  the  time  that  the  candles  on  Christmas  trees  were 
lighted,  a  cofRu  was  carried  up  the  narrow  staircase  to  the 
widow's  room.  It  Avas  but  a  plain  pine  box,  but  I  much 
doubt  whether  a  more  acceptable  Christmas-box  could  have 
been  broucrht  to  either  mother  or  child. 


» 


My  story  is  done.  It  may  be  complained  that  it  has  nei- 
ther plot  or  moral,  but  to  my  thinking  it  has  enough  of 
both.  Some  have  merry  Christmases  who  do  not  deserve 
them,  and  some  have  them  who  do,  but  a  great  many 
deserving  ones  have  them  not.     This  is  the  fault  of  no  one 


CHRISTMAS  AT  OUR  HOUSE.  457 

in  particular,  as  I  kno^v,  and  could  scarcely  be  mended 
without  re-modeling  the  plan  of  things  generally ;  but  it 
is  as  well  to  remember  perhaps  on  this  Christmas  dav,  that 
he  whose  birth  it  is  intended  to  commemorate  said,  "  The 
poor  ye  have  always  with  you,"  and  that  a  trifle  to  some 
is  much  to  others.  It  is  indeed  blessed  to  give,  and  for- 
tunate should  those  consider  themselves  who  are  able  to. 
So  a  merry  Christmas  to  all ; — and  if  it  be  as  merry  as  the 
one  in  my  home  last  year,  merry  indeed  will  it  be. 

LAST  CHRISTMAS. 

With  Morning's  first  blusli  our  two  little  ones  woke — 

Like  twin  roses  they  laughed  in  their  bed ; 
For  the  day  and  their  rest  in  tiie  same  whisper  broke, 

And  their  cheeks,  like  the  dawning,  were  red. 

Then  their  feet  on  the  floor  fell  lighter  than  air, 

Or  the  rain  that  jiit-patters  from  eaves — 
Each  tiny  foot,  blushing  because  it  was  bare, 

Seemed  a  rosebud  with  five  lily  leaves. 

Away  to  the  hearth-stone  they  stole  on  tip-toe, 
And  their  laugh  rang  a  glad  Christmas  hymn — 

Tlioir  hearts  like  their  stockings  were  ripe  to  o'crflow, 
For  both  were  filled  full  to  the  brim. 

There  were  pea-guns  and  whistles  and  harlequin-jacks 
That  would  dance  though  a  monk  pulled  the  string, 

Witli  gingerbread  ponies  and  all  the  knickknacks 
That  Kriss  Kringle  is  certain  to  bring. 

Such  blasts  of  tin  trumpets,  such  volleys  of  pca8 — 

You'd  Jiave  thought  the  old  room  a  Redan; 
On  the  jiarapet  sofa  they  hastened  to  seize, 

And  Tabby,  its  garrison,  ran. 

It  chanced,  too,  the  fire-place,  awhile  before  day, 

Had  been  belching  out  smoke  like  a  i)iiie, 
Which  gave  us  a  wonderful  fact  to  portray 

When  their  minds  for  the  wonder  were  ripe. 


458  NO  FAITH  LIKE  CHILDREN'S, 

For  we  told  them  the  steeds  that  St.  Nicholas  drove 
Did  not  like  to  stand  still  in  the  snow, 

And  so  stabled  themselves  in  the  chimney  above, 
While  their  master  filled  stockings  below. 

The  little  ones  firmly  subscribed  to  this  creed — 
As  soon  they'd  have  doubted  their  prayers — 

I  envied  their  faith ;  we  old  Gentiles  have  need 
Of  a  credence  as  ready  as  theirs. 

Thus  when  legends  all  sacred  to  childish  belief 
Fade  away,  and  we  rank  ourselves  men. 

The  world  calls  us  wiser— then  wisdom  is  grief — 
But  indeed,  are  we  wiser  than  then  ? 

For  oft  when  my  soul  trails  her  wings  in  the  dust, 
And  would  rest  from  the  battlings  without, 

I  say  to  my  soul : — Is  it  folly  to  trust  ? 
The  deepest  of  wisdom  to  doubt  ? 


CHAPTER  LXIY. 


NEW   year's. 


THE  Seen  from  the  Unseen 
Is  bounded  by  a  breath, — 
So  very  faint  the  line 
We  scarce  know  which  is  death. 

We  scarce  know  when  to  laugh, 

And  never  when  to  weep ; 
We  smile  when  babes  are  born — 

We  mourn  when  old  men  sleep. 

Blithe  rings  the  natal  chime, 
And  sadly  sobs  the  knell, — 

The  priest  wiio  prays  below 
Is  wiser  than  the  bell. 

Last  night  while  Dian  slept, 
Strange  wonders  filled  the  sky; 

An  infant  softly  crept, 

A  pale  ghost  shuddered  by. 

Twelve  round  and  ripened  moons 
Dropped  from  their  witiiered  stem, 

And  twelve  fair  blossoms  came. 
To  ripe  and  fall  like  them. 

The  clouds  like  pale-faced  nuns 
Hung  weeping  o'er  a  bier; 

Tlic  gray  and  hooded  liours 
Were  bearing  out  the  year. 

pair  speed  the  funeral  train  ! 

Old  Year,  Old  Year,  adieu : 
There's  cypress  for  your  bier, 

Here  roses  for  the  New  I 
459 


4,60  ^  JOLLY  PLACE. 

Let  gladness  crown  the  cup, 

"We  drink  a  courtly  toast, — 
Health  to  the  living  heir, 

Peace  to  the  graybeard's  ghost. 

NARRATING   AN   UNDERTAKESTG   ON   NEW   TEAr's   EVE. 

One  New  Year's  Eve,  during  my  residence  in  San  Fran- 
cisco, I  chanced  to  be  up  very  late,  in  the  vicinity  of 
the  Plaza.  It  has  been  my  custom,  ever  since  reaching 
that  proiiciency  in  mathematics  which  enables  one  to  cipher 
in  unknown  quantities,  to  sit  me  down,  just  before  a  new 
year  dawns,  and  count  up  what  money  and  time  I  have  lost 
and  foolishly  wasted  during  the  old  one.  Considerable  room 
was  required  to  count  it  in,  so  I  generally  chose  the  Plaza  for 
this  purpose. 

Going  down  Sacramento  Street,  on  my  return  to  cheap  but 
inconvenient  apartments,  it  was  necessary  to  pass  the  under- 
taker's. A  bright  light  was  burning  in  the  window,  and  act- 
ing on  the  principle  very  generally  adopted  in  that  country, 
that  what  is  nobody's  business  is  everybody's  business,  I 
looked  in. 

The  interior  of  an  undertaker's  shop  is  seldom  a  very 
cheerful  place  to  look  into.  The  coffins  that  are  ranged 
about  the  room,  bolt  upright,  can  scarcely  be  called  promo- 
tive of  conviviality.  There  is  a/y  suis  look  about  them  that 
I,  for  one,  don't  like. 

But  the  undertaker's  that  New  Year's  night  was  a  jolly 
place  enough.  The  coffins  had  all  stepped  down  from  their 
perches  and  were  going  through  the  Lancers.  A  queer, 
lank  looking  figure,  sitting  on  a  stretcher  in  the  corner,  gave 
the  music  they  danced  by.  He  played  the  "bones"  admir- 
ably well, — the  way  his  loose  finger-joints  rattled  was  a  cau- 
tion to  castinets. 

Away  went  the  gay  and  festive  coffins  in  the  wild  whirl  of 
the  dance ;  now  it  was  forward  two,  and  anon  it  was  balance 
to  partners.  But  the  fun  was  to  see  their  queer,  angular 
figures  when  they  bowed.  Had  their  maker  known  their 
needs  and  necessities,  I  fancy  he'd  have  given  them  flexible 
back-bones. 


A  SHADO^Y  DANCE.  4G1 

One  thing  that  arrested  my  attention  particuhirl}-  was  the 
democracy  of  these  coffins  in  the  dance.  A  line,  portly  rose- 
wood fellow,  covered  all  over  with  silver  nails,  as  a  Grandee 
of  Spain  is  with  order?,  led  out  a  peaked-looking  thing  of 
pine  that  a  pauper  would  kick  in  his  last  gasp  if  he  knew  it 
were  meant  for  him.  Distinctions  of  caste  seemed  wholly 
io-nored.  All  seemed  to  acknowledge  that,  no  matter  what 
wood  they  were  made  of,  they  were  mudsills,  at  host,  and 
that  nothing  more  could  be  made  of  them. 

The  room  was  decorated  with  a  taste  which  would  have 
sui-j3rised  one  not  ready  to  admit  that  there  are  aesthetics  in  all 
things.  The  taller  coffins  had  taken  the  hearse  plumes  down 
from  the  rack,  and  these,  artistically  arranged,  nodded  over 
the  festivities.  Crape  and  bombazine  draped  the  ceiling  and 
walls,  and  two  or  three  palls  snatched  from  the  adjoining 
room  were  looped  up  over  the  door  like  banners,  falling  in 
graceful  festoons  to  the  floor.  The  gas  was  turned  on  with 
a  frightful  extravagance,  and  a  gayer  scene,  take  it  altoge- 
ther, had  not  met  my  eyes  during  the  tweUemonth. 

The  women-coffins  were  readily  distinguished  from  the 
others  of  the  crowd,  though  not  from  any  amplitude  of 
skirts.  They  smirked  and  smiled,  and  had  more  paint  and 
varnish  about  them,  and  their  hoods  were  lined  with  pink  or 
white  satin  scalloped  an<l  ciini])e(l  in  various  fanciful  ways. 
Thoy  made  "curtsies,"  too,  in  llic  dance,  instead  of  bowing 
stiffly,  and  the  undertaker  himself  would  have  laughed  could 
he  liave  seen  one  frolicsome  chit  of  an  allair  attempt  to 
"make  a  cheese." 

Tliink  of  a  coffin  attempting  to  "make  a  choose!" 

While  the  revel  was  going  on  I  learned  one  thing  that  had 
never  before  occurred  to  me.  Each  coflin  in  the  sho])  had 
been  made  for  some  person  who  was  ignorant  that  his  mea- 
sure had  been  taken.  Hut  coflins  themselves  know  who 
they  are  for,  and  look  out  through  tlic  windows  at  their 
future  occupants  wlnn  thoy  pass,  and  talk  about  ihem  to 
each  other.  (I  remembered,  tlien,  that  a  chea])  albiir  winked 
at  me,   one   day.)     In    the  pauses  of  the  dance  that  JScw 


462  WHAT  THE  COFFINS  KNOW. 

Year's  Eve,  the  coffins  steadied  themselves  on  their  feet,  and 
indulged  in  confidences  that  I  will  not  now  betray.  It 
would  scarcely  add  to  the  comfort  of  citizens  to  know  that 
their  coffins  follow  them  around  very  often  during  the  day, 
and  come  and  sit  by  their  bedsides  at  night,  they  thinking 
all  the  while  that  these  inevitable  and  rather  uncomfortable 
boxes  are  miles  and  years  away. 

Every  coffin  is  marked  with  the  name  of  its  tenant  to  be,  as 
soon  as  made.  This  is  not  done  by  the  undertaker — he  is  a 
mere  machine,  doing  the  bid  of  others,  eternally  beating 
dead  marches,  but  not  understanding  the  rat-tat-tat  of  his 
own  hammer.  He  would  shape  out  the  lid,  and  iix  up  the 
uncomfortable  little  pillow  stuffed  with  shavings  inside,  and 
tack  the  satin  lining  carelessly  into  its  place,  whistling  the 
while,  and  never  knowing  that  he  was  filling  an  order  for  his 
own  coffin.  On  every  one  of  the  coffins  that  I  saw  the  other 
evening,  there  was  a  name  written  as  plainly  as  the  figures 
on  a  Dutch  clock.  Of  course  these  inscriptions  are  written 
in  dead  languages;  but  if  inclined  to  break  faith  with  the 
spectacled  schoolmaster's  coffin  that  volunteered  a  translation 
for  me,  I  could  make  some  of  my  friends  sit  very  uneasily 
in  their  chairs,  for  I  know  when  their  lease  commences 
and  they  are  to  be  put  in  peaceable  and  permanent  posses- 
sion. 

So  I  will  merely  state  that  very  many  of  the  coffins  now 
made,  are  for  young  ladies  who  wear  thin  shoes  in  the  damp 
streets,  and  French  corsets  in  ball  rooms — others  arc  for 
young  men  who  drink  bad  liquor  and  sit  up  till  morning, 
making  the  night  hideous  with  their  bowlings,  and  disturb- 
ing the  slumbers  of  respectable  old  gentlemen  like  myself, 
who  go  to  bed  early,  and  know  of  no  larks  but  the  ones  they 
rise  with. 

The  children's  coffins  took  little  part  in  the  merriment,  ly- 
ing quietly  for  the  most  part  upon  the  shelves  as  though  they 
were  in  their  mothers'  arms.  There  were  a  few  representatives 
of  Young  America,  however :  rapid  little  girls  and  boys  that 
capered  round  and  talked  slang  with  such  fluency  that  a  big 


NO  USE  IX  DODGING.  463 

burly  coffin,  intended  for  a  prize-figliter,  was  obliged  to  con- 
fess with  much  humiliation  that  he  couldn't  understand  the 
conversation  at  all.  Xow  I  love  children,  but  it  would 
not  have  pained  me  much  had  the  number  of  those  outrage- 
ous little  coffins  been  multiplied  by  seven. 

The  Cracovienne  was  called  for,  just  as  the  clock  struck 
two,  but  I  didn't  stay  to  see  it.  A  coffin  about  my  own  size 
was  making  towards  me  with  a  familiar  air,  and  not  caring 
to  improve  the  acquaintance,  I  left,  expecting  to  hear  my 
friend  clattering  at  my  heels  on  every  corner. 

Men  spend  a  good  deal  of  time  in  dodging  their  coffins 
that  might  be  much  better  employed.  To  use  a  very  com- 
mon but  expressive  phrase,  "  It  can't  be  did !"  The  chances 
are  that,  in  attempting  to  escape  the  clutch  of  your  coffin, 
you  rush  to  the  very  spot  where  death  has  been  sent  to  find 
you.  So  the  best  way  is  to  go  straight  on  your  patli,  neither 
hurrying  nor  loitering,  ready  to  meet  your  fate,  whenever  and 
wherever  it  comes,  like  a  man,  not  despising,  but  certainly  not 
fearing. 

Before  leaving  the  subject,  I  wish  to  explain  that  the  par- 
agraph about  thin  shoes  and  all  that  and  those,  was  thrown 
in  simply  for  the  moral  effect.  Whether  the  soles  of  the 
rising  generation  of  young  ladies  are  thick  or  thin,  lost  or 
saved,  is  certainly  no  business  of  mine,  though  1  will  not  go 
80  far  as  to  say  that  it  doesn't  matter  much  whether  they  are 
or  not. 


CHAPTER  LXy. 

ABOUT    CHILDREN   AND    THEIR    SAYINGS. 

A  FEELING  of  embarrassment,  almost  of  incompetency, 
comes  over  me;  I  feel  that  I  am  about  to  write  of 
people  who  know  a  deal  more  than  I  do ;  and  that  in  at- 
tempting to  reproduce  their  wise  sayings  I  may  simply 
succeed  in  shearing  them  of  all  point  and  spoiling  the  general 
effect.  Very  much  depends  on  the  way  a  thing  is  said,  and 
it  is  impossible  to  portray  all  the  conditions  of  children's 
utterances  on  paper.  These  philosophers  in  pinafores — are 
they  not  wiser  in  their  generation  than  the  pundits  of  the 
period?  In  the  very  outset  of  my  writing  there  comes  to 
me  a  vision  of  a  little  child,  for  three  days  lost,  and  finally 
found — where?  In  the  temple,  "sitting  in  the  midst  of  the 
doctors,  both  hearing  them  and  ashing  them  Cjuestions  !" 

It  was  but  the  other  day  that  a  lady  with  whom  I  differed 
regarding  the  discipline  of  her  household,  declared  that  I 
could  not  enter  into  her  feelino;s : — "  You  are  not  a  mother ! " 
she  cried,  in  reproachful  accents.  This  was  one  of  those  ex- 
ceedingly plain  and  self-evident  propositions  which  the  most 
argumentative  man  never  thinks  of  disputing.  But  not- 
withstanding my  not  amounting  to  much  as  a  mother  (which 
no  one  more  than  myself  can  sincerely  regret),  I  claim  to  be 
in  sympathy  with  children  suihciently  to  better  understand 
them  than  do  many  who  have  given  an  alphabetical  row  of 
pledges  to  society — with  little  thought  as  to  how  they  should 

redeem  them. 

461 


AS  TO  BEING  SEEN  AND  HEARD.  4(55 

I  find  myself  in  sympathy  with  children  because  of  never 
having  forgotten  that  I  was  once  a  child  myself — one  of  the 
chief  difficulties  which  I  have  to  contend  with  in  life  is  a  dis- 
position to  forget  that  I  am  not  one  now.  1  remember  how  I 
felt  and  how  1  reasoned ;  how  the  wisdom  of  the  elders  not 
infrequently  seemed  foolishness  to  me ;  how  my  little  world 
was  filled  with  strange  puzzles  which  kept  my  brain  on  the 
rack,  and  how  indignant  I  was  at  having  my  demands  for 
light  answered  simply  with — "  Little  boys  should  not  ask 
questions,"  or  some  equally  grating  saw  which  put  my  teeth 
on  edge  with  resentment. 

"  Little  boys  should  be  seen  and  not  heard,"  Does  it  not 
follow  then,  as  a  thing  of  course,  that  big  men  should  be 
heard  and  not  seen  ?  In  many  cases  the  reputations  of  big 
men  would  be  benefited  were  this  converse  of  the  rule  adopted. 
Very  few  parents  realize  how  children — even  at  a  compar- 
atively tender  age — cipher  out  the  shallowness  of  parental 
excuses,  and  laugh  in  their  tiny  sleeves  at  parental  incon- 
sistencies.    Instance  in  point,  my  little  friend  Willie : 

He  had  just  begun  to  go  to  school,  but,  strange  to  say,  did 
not  like  it — for  which  reason  I  fear  he  can  never  become 
president  of  these  United  States.  It  M-as  rather  unfortunate, 
perhaps,  that  liis  first  experience  of  school  and  of  snow  fell 
together.  Temptation  came  to  him  in  tlie  shape  of  a  sled, 
with  red  riumers,  and  he  fell  an  easy  victim  to  it.  So  it  hap- 
pened that  about  school-time  he  became  subject  to  an  accession 
of  headache,  which  made  coniinement  impossible,  but  did  not  at 
all  interfere  with  his  going  out  to  slide  after  an  hour  ur  two 
at  home. 

One  glorious  morning,  in  particular,  he  came  toliis  mother 
witli  a  "drelful"  headache — school  was  not  to  be  thouirht  of 
under  such  circumstances, 

"Very  well,  Willie,"  said  she,  "if  you  liavea  bad  lieadacho 
you  may  stay  at  liome,  but  remember  you  must  nut  come 
afterwards  and  ask  to  go  and  slide." 

Not  a  half-hour  afterwards  up  came  Willie — his  "dreilul" 

headache  all  gone — with  the  usual  petition. 
30 


466  "  CAN'T  YOU  FIX  IT  WITH  GOD,  MAMMA  ?  " 

"  No,  "Willie,  you  know  I  told  you  if  you  stayed  at  home 
I  should  not  let  you  go  out  with  your  sled,  and  you  wouldn't 
have  me  tell  a  lie,  would  you  ? " 

Willie  turned  away  thoughtfully,  but  a  moment  after  his 
face  brightened  up  as  he  saw  a  path  out  of  the  dilemma,  and 
he  sidled  up  to  his  mamma  with  a  confidential  whisper: — 

"  I  don't  want  you  to  tell  a  lie,  mother,  but  couldn't  you 
just  fix  it  with  God,  you  know,  as  you  do  when  you  put  me 
to  bed  and  say  you  are  not  going  out,  and  then  go  ? " 

It  had  never  occurred  to  the  mother  that  the  child  had 
•  become  acquainted  with  her  tergiversations ;  and  judge  of 
her  surprise  when  his  discovery  was  so  unexpectedly  flashed 
upon  her.  There  he  had  carried  a  knowledge  of  the  truth  of 
things  in  his  breast  none  knew  how  long,  and  suffered  him- 
self to  be  put  to  bed  night  after  night  without  betraying  it. 
Believe  me,  children  discover  that  their  parents  have  a  way 
.of  "  fixing  it  with  God  "  of tener  than  the  parents  imagine. 

But  a  terribly  wise  little  fellow  was  that  same  Willie — 
•very  old  for  his  years.  He  was  never  willing  to  admit  that 
he  could  not  understand  all  that  old  folks  could,  and  was  not 
interested  in  all  which  interested  them. 

Thus,  a  literary  society  was  formed  in  the  village,  the 
members  meeting  weekly  for  the  purpose  of  reading  the 
English  classics.  Willie  heard  of  it,  and  was  very  anxious  to 
join.  His  mother  suggested  that  perhaps  ho  had  better  attend 
a  meeting  first  and  see  how  he  liked  it ;  so  when  it  next  came 
off  at  lier  house  he  was  permitted  to  sit  up.  Spenser's  Fmrie 
Queen  was  read.  There  sat  Willie,  perched  up  in  his  chair, 
wide  awake  as  an  owl.  The  queer  old  English  fell  drowsily 
on  the  air,  and  glances  were  ever  and  again  cast  at  the  new 
member  to  see  if  he  were  not  dropping  off.  But  no  ;  without 
winking  once  he  sat  it  all  through,  with  the  gravity  of  a 
judge,  looking  as  though  he  understood  and  critically  weighed 
every  word.  When  all  was  over,  however,  and  his  mamma 
put  him  to  bed,  he  called  her  back  after  the  good-night  kis3 
had  been  given  : — 

"Mamma,"  he  said,  putting  his  arms  round   her  neck, 


WILLIE  AMONG  THE  ELDERS.  457 

"your  meetin'  was  drefful  interestin',  but  I  don't  think  I 
want  to  go  again." 

He  would  not  confess  to  having  made  a  mistake. 

This  same  little  Willie  was  in  the  room  one  evenino-  when 
a  game  was  being  played  by  the  older  people,  a  game  in 
which  a  word  is  given  out  suddenly  to  any  member  of  the 
circle,  the  one  to  whom  it  is  spoken  being  obliged  to  respond 
instantly  with  its  opposite.  Willie  wanted  to  join  in,  and 
saw  no  reason  why  he  could  not  play  it  as  well  as  the  others. 
It  was  explained  to  him  and  he  gravely  took  his  seat. 

"  Friends  !  "  shouted  one  of  the  party  to  the  new  player. 

"  Relatives  !  "  responded  Willie  as  promptly  as  though  he 
had  lived  with  them  all  of  a  long  life. 

How  observant  children  are,  and  how  their  ears  prick  up  at 
an  intimation  that  anything  is  going  on  Avhich  they  arc  not 
particularly  desired  to  see  or  hear ! 

A  little  felloAV — a  "  minister's  son,"  by  the  way — sat  on 
the  floor  one  afternoon,  playing  with  his  blocks,  when  some 
ladies  called  on  his  mamma.  Yery  soon  the  conversation 
turned  (I  am  sorry  to  say)  on  a  bit  of  scandal  that  was  in  the 
village.  Remembering  suddenly  that  the  child  was  in  the 
room,  and  not  knowing  exactly  how  much  he  might  under- 
stand of  what  M'as  being  said,  an  abrupt  pause  was  made  in 
the  conversation. 

There  sat  the  little  fellow,  busy  with  liis  blocks,  and  in 
reality  not  heeding  a  word  of  wliat  was  being  said.  But  no 
sooner  did  the  pause  come  than  he  turned  round,  and  rolling 
on  the  floor,  and  laughing  as  though  his  little  sides  would 
burst,  shouted  : — "  Go  right  on  ;  that's  just  such  as  I  like  to 
hear  every  day  ! " 

Kot  inaptly  has  "the  ftxitli  (jfa  little  child"  been  held  up 
as  an  example  for  the  emulation  of  the  grown.  Harry  liad 
been  told  that  whatever  he  asked  for  in  earnestness  of  heart 
would  be  granted  of  God.  It  was  raining  one  summer  day, 
and  he  wanted  to  go  out  and  ])ad(l]o  with  bare  feet  in  tlio 
])Ool3  that  had  formed.  "Mamma,"  he  said,  "do  you  think 
that  Dod  would  stop  raining  a  little  while  if  I  asked  him  T' 
*  Perhaps  so,"  she  replied. 


468  FAITH  AS  A  MUSTARD  SEED. 

Harry  went  to  the  window  and  put  out  his  head  far  as  he 
could  stretch  it.  "Dod!  Dod!"  he  cried,  "stop  yainin', 
please ;  I  want  to  go  out  and  paddle." 

A  flash  of  lightning  and  a  clap  of  thunder  made  him  dodge 
his  head,  as  you've  seen  a  terrapin  retire  into  its  shell. 
"Mamma,"  said  he,  "I  guess  Dod's  angry  because  I  didn't 
say  mister." 

By  and  by  he  tried  it  again  : — "  I  say  Dod — Mr.  Dod — 
won't  you  please  stop  yainin'  a  little  ?  " 

Coincidently,  the  sun  looked  out  from  the  clouds,  and  the 
shower  resolved  itself  into  a  few  rattling  drops : — "  That'll  do, 
Mr.  Dod,"  he  said,  waving  his  hand  in  a  rather  patronizing 
manner,  "  I  can  put  on  my  old  hat." 

But  not  always  are  children's  supplications  so  speedily  and 
surely  answered.  Very  distinctly  do  I  remember  anxiously 
inquiring  of  my  mother  if  it  were  indeed  true  that  if  one  had 
faith  like  a  grain  of  mustard  seed  his  prayer  would  be  granted 
— that  a  mountain  for  the  asking  would  be  removed  and  cast 
into  the  sea. 

"  Certainly,"  she  replied. 

The  blue  waters  of  Lake  Champlain  rolled  at  our  very  door, 
and  in  the  distance  beyond  the  Green  Mountains  reared  their 
frosted  heads.  I  had  great  curiosity  to  see  what  a  splash 
they  would  make,  and  so,  though  inwardly  trembling  for  the 
result,  prayed  nigh  upon  a  week  that  they  might  be  removed 
and  cast  into  the  lake.  The  faith  of  a  grain  of  mustard  seed 
indeed — mine  was  as  strong  as  a  whole  mustard  pot !  But 
not  a  step  would  the  mountains  budge,  and  there  they  stand 
to  this  day. 

However,  I  determined  to  give  faith  another  trial ;  and  so, 
for  several  nights,  after  going  through  with  the  set  formula 
ending  with  "  Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep,"  etc.,  added  a 
postscript  to  the  effect  that  I  might  find  a  little  brass  cannon 
under  my  trundle-bed  on  waking.  The  postscript,  be  it  un- 
derstood, was  a  mental  one,  for  I  had  got  down  at  the  bottom 
of  the  Santa  Claus  business  by  surreptitious  observation,  and 
had  a  pretty  clear  idea  that  if  my  mother  heard  the  prayer  it 


"  SANTA  CLAUS  IS  BAKING,  I  GUESS."  469 

would  stand  rather  too  good  a  chance  of  being  answered.     I 
wished  to  give  the  thing  a  fair  triah 

Xever,  I  venture  to  say,  was  a  faith  stronger  than  mine  on 
this  occasion.  Morning  after  morning,  first  on  rising,  I  took 
the  broom  and  swept  it  under  the  bed,  whisking  it  around  in 
every  corner,  and  fully  expecting  each  moment  to  poke  out 
the  coveted  cannon.  But  none  came.  Fearful,  then,  that  I 
had  failed  to  reach  its  lurking-place,  I  would  light  a  candle 
and  throw  its  light  under,  illuminating  the  remotest  recesses; 
but,  alas,  no  miniature  artillery  bristled  in  its  beams. 

Oh  the  implicit,  unreasoning,  unquestioning  faith  of  child- 
hood !  Is  there  not  happiness  in  it  ?  Could  I  gain  back  my 
belief  in  Santa  Clans,  even,  I  would  not  barter  it  for  all  the 
wisdom  I  have  since  acquired. 

"  Mamma,  mamma,"  cried  a  little  boy,  when  the  sun  set 
gorgeously  red  one  Christmas  eve,  "  see  how  hot  heaven  is 
over  there.     Santa  Claus  is  baking,  I  guess." 

In  manner  somewhat  like  did  one  of  these  natural  philoso- 
phers account  for  another  phenomenon.  Hearing  a  man 
dump  coal  in  the  bin  one  day,  with  a  terrible  rumbling,  he 
shouted  : — "  Oh,  mother,  now  I  know  what  makes  thunder. 
It  is  God  putting  coal  on." 

Children  are  great  realists,  interpreting  things  in  the  most 
literal  sense.  To  the  infantile  mind  the  beautiful  metaphor 
of  the  Lord  walking  in  the  garden  in  the  cool  of  the  day, 
conveys  the  idea  of  a  tangible  presence.  "I  know,"  said  a 
little  boy  to  whom  the  passage  was  read;  "just  as  papa  does, 
with  his  hands  behind  him,  and  an  old  coat  on." 

"I  don't  want  to  die  and  go  to  heaven,"  remarked  a  little 
girl,  laying  down  her  book;  ''but  if  God  would  let  down  a 
big  basket  and  draw  mc  u]»  with  a  rope  I  think  I  should 
like  it." 

Another  little  girl,  after  having  learned  what  o.  jwst-7nortc7n 
examination  was,  declared  that  she  would  not  consent  to  bo 
so  dealt  with  after  death. 

"  What,  not  if  it  would  be  greatly  to  the  benefit  of  those 
who  lived  ? "  asked  her  mother. 


470  CURIOUS  ABOUT  HEAVEN. 

:     "  No,  how  would  I  look  going  to  heaven  all  cut  to  pieces  ? " 

Children  are  generally  very  much  exercised  as  to  the  ap- 
pearance and  imj)ression  they  will  make  when  they  enter  the 
golden  portals.  Lottie  lying  sick  with  a  fever — a  cousin  of 
corresponding  age  had  died  shortly  before — was  loth  to  take 
her  medicine,  and  a  pair  of  earrings  was  promised  her  if  she 
would.  Soon  after,  while  all  supposed  she  was  asleep,  she 
burst  out  in  a  great  fit  of  laughter.  Asked  what  pleased 
her,  she  rej)lied,  "  Oh,  it  tickles  me  so  to  think  how  cousin 
Hiram  will  laugh  when  he  sees  me  come  walking  into  heaven, 
with  my  new  earrings  ! " 

An  eminent  clergyman  of  Brooklyn  lost  a  beautiful  little 
boy  lately — one  of  twins.  They  were  greatly  petted  by  all 
who  knew  them,  and  attracted  great  attention  wherever  they 
were  seen.  On  his  death-bed,  while  all  around  him  were 
weeping  in  view  of  the  impending  change,  the  little  sufferer 
looked  up : — "  Mamma,  I  wonder  what  Jesus  will  say  when  he 
lets  me  into  heaven." 

A  few  evenings  since  a  little  boy  sat  playing  with  his 
blocks.  He  was  building  a  chair — a  strange-shaped,  druidi- 
cal-looking  seat.     "Does  God  see  everything?"    he  asked. 

"  Certainly,  my  child,"  returned  his  mother. 

"  Then  hovi  he  will  laugh  when  he  sees  this  chair !  " 

"  Do  you  see  the  new  moon  up  in  the  sky  ? "  asked  Hattie's 
mother. 

"  Did  QfO^just  make  it  and  put  it  there  % "  was  the  child's 
quick  question. 

Lottie,  when  a  little  girl,  was  told  that  Harriet  was  her 
half-sister. 

"  Which  half  is  mine  ? "  she  demanded. 

A  friend  of  mine  has  two  bright  little  boys — Freddy,  be- 
tween three  and  four  years  old,  and  "Willie  about  live.  A 
chronicle  of  their  doings  and  sayings  would  fill  a  volume,  but 
two  specimens  must  sufiice. 

Both  were  very  fond  of  milk,  and  a  mug  of  it  always  com- 
pleted their  supper.  But,  while  in  the  country  last  summer, 
it  so  chanced  that  they  one  day  saw  the  girl  milking. 


WHERE  THE  MILK  COMES  FROM.  471 

"  There,  Willie,"  said  Freddy,  "  you  see  that,  do  you  ?  I 
don't  want  any  more  milk  after  the  cow's  had  it,"  and  he 
withdrew  very  much  disgusted. 

That  evening  w^hen  their  mugs  of  milk  were  placed  on  the 
table  both  stood  untouched.  A  reason  of  this  phenomenon 
being  asked,  Freddy  simply  declared  that  he  didn't  want  any 
milk  after  the  cow  had  had  it,  but  further  refused  to  explain. 
Willie,  however,  told  of  the  discovery  of  the  morning. 

The  mother  then  explained  to  them  that  the  milk  did  not 
come  to  them  second-hand — that  the  cow  ate  grass,  which 
was  changed  into  milk  by  a  wonderful  chemical  process,  akin 
to  that  which  produced  everything  in  nature.  In  the  light  of 
this  explanation  Willie  w^as  satisfied,  but  Freddy  still  turned 
up  his  nose  at  milk,  sticking  by  the  original  proposition. 

After  supper,  Willie,  who  on  these  important  occasions 
always  acted  as  expounder,  took  his  brother  aside  into  a 
corner.  "  It's  all  right,  Freddy,"  he  said,  "  and  you  can  just 
go  on  drinking  your  milk  again.  The  cow  eats  grass,  and 
that's  what  makes  it.  JSTow  if  the  cow  didn't  eat  the  grass, 
you'd  have  to,  you  see.     That's  what  the  cow's  for." 

Freddy  resumed  his  evening  draughts.  To  his  mind  the 
only  alternative  was  eating  grass,  and  from  that  he  shrank. 

On  another  occasion  the  mother  was  telling  Freddy  about 
the  proposed  sacrifice  of  Isaac  by  xVbraham,  assisting  his  com- 
prehension of  it  by  the  picture  in  the  old  family  Bible.  There 
lay  the  boy  bound  on  the  altar,  while  the  patriarch  brand- 
ished a  huge  knife,  drawn  back  apj)arently  within  an  inch  of 
the  nose  of  tiie  ram,  wliich  stood  looking  out  from  thebnshcs 
as  unconcernedly  as  though  it  were  not  his  own  funeral.  Tlie 
mother  was  expatiating  on  the  greatness  of  the  sacrifice  and 
the  opportuneness  of  the  suljstitute,  wlien  Freddy,  whose 
feelings  were  now  worked  up  to  fever-pitch,  6urj)ri.sed  her  by 
shouting  out : — 

"  Slieepy,  shcepy,  why  don't  you  grab  the  knife  and  run  ? !' 
His  sympathies  lay  wholly  with  the  shecj),  which  will  recall 
to  the  reader's  mind  the  story  of  the  little  girl  who  was  af- 
fected to  tears  on  being  shown   the  ])icturc  of  Daniel  in  the 


472  CHILDREN  AS  HUMORISTS. 

den  of  lions.  On  being  told  that  she  need  not  cry,  for  the 
prophet  was  not  devoured,  it  turned  out  that  she  was  dis- 
tressed for  fear  that  one  little  lion  in  the  corner  would  not 
get  anything  to  eat,  Daniel  being  evidently  too  small  to  go 

round. 

Children,  by  the  way,  are  generally  great  humorists— un- 
conscious ones,  often.  Practical  jokes,  in  particular,  are  their 
delio-ht.  They  like,  too,  to  provoke  expectation  and  then 
disappoint  it.  And  they  do  not  very  often  commit  the  too 
common  mistake  of  laughing  at  their  own  jokes. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  to-day,  Sherwood?"  asked 
that  sage's  grandfather. 

"  Nothing." 

"  Did  you  ever  see  nothing  ? " 
■'    "Yes." 

"Where?" 

"  Down  a  well." 

"  Isn't  there  something  burning  here?"  asked  his  mother 
coming  into  the  room  one  day  where  he  sat. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Sherwood. 

"  What  is  it  ?  "  (in  alarm.) 
[    "Coal." 

AH  this  as  gravely  as  a  judge,  seemingly  unaware  that  he 
was  perpetrating  "  sells." 

Again,  at  a  soiree,  lately,  a  lady  came  up  to  a  little  fellow 
some  seven  years  old,  whom  she  knew  very  well  by  sight  but 
did  not  remember  by  name.  He  appeared  to  be  rather  back- 
ward, and  when  dancing  commenced  had  no  partner.  Seeing 
a  young  miss  of  her  acquaintance  apparently  disengaged  at 
the  other  end  of  the  room,  she  offered  to  introduce  him 

"  No,"  said  he,  "  I'd  rather  not  be  introduced  to  Tier^^ 
\    "  Why  not?     She  is  a  very  nice  girl." 
"   "No,  notto/i<??'/  I'd  rather  be  introduced  to  some  one 

else." 

The  peculiar  emphasis  he  placed  on  "her"  induced  the 
lady  to  ask  him,  "  Why  not  to  her  f  What  objection  have 
you  ? " 


"  SHE'S  MY  SISTER."  473 

The  little  fello-^  looked  up  with  as  roguish  ca  twinkle  as 
ever  shone  out  of  two  eves  and  said,  "  She's  mj  sister ! " 

Breakfasting  with  a  physician  in  the  suburbs  of  Kew  York 
not  long  since,  during  a  pause  in  the  conversation,  little  Julia 
began  to  talk  very  earnestly.  Her  father,  quite  a  stern  dis- 
ciplinarian, checked  her  in  rather  a  nettled  tone,  by  saying, 
"Why  is  it  you  always  talk  so  much?"  "'Cause  I've  got 
somesin  to  say,"  was  the  quick  reply.  So  witty  was  the  say- 
ing that  the  whole  table  greatly  enjoyed  it,  and  even  the  good 
Doctor  was  forced  to  join  in  the  laugh.  Pity  that  all  talkers 
— public  speakers  at  least — wouldn't  see  to  it  that  they  have 
"Somesin  to  say"  whenever  they  open  their  mouths. 

Children  not  unfrequently  get  things  strangely  mixed. 
"  Do  you  like  Bible  stories  ? "  asked  one  little  fellow  of 
another. 

"  Yes,  Aunt  Susie  tells  them  to  me." 

"  Then  get  her  to  tell  you  about  Solomon's  swallowing  the 
w^hale." 

This  suffsrests  a  recollection  of  how  another  little  fellow 
aired  his  biblical  knowledge  on  a  memorable  occasion.  He 
was  asked  what  animal  s])oke. 

"  The  whale." 

«  To  whom  did  it  speak  ?  " 

"  To  Moses  in  the  bulrushes." 

"  What  did  the  whale  say  ? " 

"Thou  art  the  man." 

Arthur,  however,  had  a  strategetical  point  in  view  when 
he  once  ventured  to  take  liberties  with  the  text.  He  was  be- 
ing exercised  in  the  Commandments,  having  a  short  time 
previously  been  pretty  severely  chastised  for  some  infraction 
of  the  lex  scripta  of  the  household.  Asked  what  was  the  lirst 
Commandment,  he  gave  it  as  follows : — "  Thou  shalt  not  mako 
graven  images  of  anything,  and  thou  shalt  not  wliij)  little 
boys."  The  fun  of  it  was  that  he  actually  thought  to  per- 
suade his  mother  that  there  was  such  a  clause. 

Etta  had  lost  a  pet  dog— he  was  taken  with  some  canino 
fever   and  died,  notwithstanding  the  most  careful  nursing. 


47i  FOUND  A  SQUAIL'S  NEST. 

Soon  after  a  new  minister  was  settled  in  the  villaofe  and 
preaclied  his  first  sermon.  It  was  rather  dogmatical — and 
indeed  he  made  use  of  the  word  "  dogmatics,"  at  which  it  was 
noticed  that  Etta's  ejes  lighted  up  with  sudden  interest. 
Walking  home  the  sermon  was  discussed,  and  the  new 
minister  commented  upon  rather  unfavorably. 

"  I  don't  care,"  put  in  Etta,  *'  I  like  him.  He  said  some- 
thing about  dog-medicine,  and  I  guess  if  he'd  been  here 
when  Carlo  was  sick  he'd  have  given  him  a  dose  and  got  him 
well." 

1  remember  once  permitting  a  little  nephew  to  trot  through 
the  field  with  me  when  I  was  going  out  quail-shooting.  A 
snail-shell  lay  in  his  path  as  he  was  ranging  about. 

"  See,  Uncle  Tarlie  !  "  he  shouted,  rushing  up  to  me  with 
outstretched  hands,  his  eyes  glistening,  "  l"se  found  a  squall's 
nest !  "     He  had  an  idea  that  he  had  put  up  the  first  game. 

And  the  "  squall's  nest "  brings  to  mind  a  freak  of  the  lit- 
tle Sherwood  before  mentioned.  He  has  a  great  fondness 
for  pets,  and  had  scores  of  them  in  the  country,  when  he  was 
summering.  But  returning  to  the  city,  he  had  to  leave  them 
all  behind  him.  Soon  afterwards  the  lady  of  the  house 
where  his  parents  were  stopping  took  him  to  market  with 
her  one  morning.  He  was  delighted  with  everything  he 
saw,  but  mostly  with  some  clams  which  were  frisking  about 
with  their  customary  activity  on  a  dealer's  stand.  He  be- 
sought the  lady  to  buy  him  a  few. 

"  Why,  what  do  you  want  of  them  ? "  she  asked. 
"  For  pets,"  he  replied,  and  refused  to  '"  move  on  "  till  the 
purchase  was  made.  He  has  them  still — quite  still,  in  fact, 
and  in  their  playful  gambols  finds  some  consolation  for  the 
loss  of  his  rabbit.  Going  away  from  home  the  other  day,  he 
besought  his  sister  to  feed  his  clams.  (Salt  water  is  to  them 
meat,  drink,  and  lodging.)  He  did  not  want  to  come  home 
and  find  them  dead. 

"  Why,  how  can  you  tell  whether  they're  dead  or  alive  ?  " 
asked  his  father. 

'•  Oh,  when  they're  alive  they  bites  !  " 


"  BUT  I'VE  GOT  A  GOOD  FOREHEAD."  475 

May  it  not  be  said  that  Master  Sherwood  is  rather  shell- 
fish in  his  affections  ? 

It  very  much  amused  me  to  hear  how  a  little  girl  got  into 
bed.  She  was  dreadfully  afraid  of  rats,  and  insisted  that  it 
was  impossible  for  her  to  climb  into  the  great  high  trundle- 
bed  alone,  in  order  to  secure  a  suitable  and  safe  escort  to  her 
slumbers.  One  evening,  however,  an  experiment  was  deter- 
mined upon,  and  she  was  obliged  to  make  the  perilous  pas- 
sage by  herself. 

*'  Why,  how  did  you  get  ia  ? "  asked  her  mother,  when  she 
came  to  see  how  the  trial  went. 

"  Oh,"  said  she,  "  I  just  put  one  foot  in  and  then  said 
'  raU ! '  "  The  idea  was  that  so  she  frightened  the  other 
foot  in. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  suppose  that  children  are  indifferent  on 
the  subject  of  their  personal  appearance.  They  have  a  very 
natural  ambition  to  be  considered  good-looking,  and  feel  the 
reproach  of  ugliness  quite  as  deeply  as  older  persons  would — 
more  deeply,  indeed.  I  remember  one  child  in  particular, 
whose  vanity  was  very  often  wounded  by  such  remarks,  rush- 
ing to  its  mother's  arms,  in  an  agony  of  tears,  to  ask  why 
God  didn't  cut  its  face  out  pretty. 

ICot  long  since  a  gentleman  with  whom  I  was  walking  on 
the  street  met  a  very  ugly  child — fearfully,  wonderfully  ugly. 
"My  poor  little  fellow,"  said  he,  putting  his  hand  on  the 
child's  head,  unthinking  of  the  pain  he  might  be  inflicting, 
"  You  are  a  very  homely  boy,  aren't  you  ? " 

"Yes,  sir;"  said  the  child — "but  I've  jjot  a  ffood  fore- 
head." 

A  tear  glistened  in  his  eye,  and  I  can  give  you  no  idea  of 
the  plcadingness  of  liis  tone — of  the  earnestness  with  which 
he  urged  his  one  extenuating  feature.  Plainly  enough,  ho 
was  accustomed  to  similar  disparaging  criticisms,  but  some 
one  had  remarked  that  he  had  a  good  forehead,  and  to  that 
straw  of  comfort  he  clung. 

What  do  you  think  of  the  little  boy  who,  soon  after  his 
mother's  second  marriage,  asked  his  step-father  one  evening 


476  "  WE'RE  SORRY  WE  MARRIED  YOU." 

for  a  second  piece  of  sponge-cake,  "which  request  was  per- 
emptorily refused.  Fixing  indignant  eyes  on  the  tyrant  of 
the  tea-table,  he  burst  out  with  : — "  I  don't  care  ;  we're  sorry 
We  married  you,  and  mother  says  so,  too  ! "  He  could 
scarcely  prove  a  well-spring  of  pleasure  in  that  house. 

Vindictiveness  finds  a  resting-place  even  in  hearts  which 
should  be  the  gentlest : — 

"  I  won't  pray  for  you  when  I  say  my  prayers,"  said  a  lit- 
tle girl  to  a  companion  who  had  vexed  her,  "  and  Jesus  won't 
bless  you — and  he  shan't  redeem  you  either ! "  she  added 
after  a  moment's  pause  to  find  a  fitting  culmination  for  her 
displeasure.  There  was  a  slight  touch  of  Calvinism  about  the 
concluding  threat,  I  think. 

Edie  had  been  teased  by  an  older  sister  : — "  I  will  boil  you, 
Addie — and  I  wall  eat  you !  "  she  cried,  her  whole  frame 
trembling  with  passion.  To  appreciate  the  comical  efiect  of 
this  terrible  declaration  you  should  see  the  diminutiveness  of 
the  little  creature,  her  physical  appearance  so  entirely  at  vari- 
ance with  the  direness  of  the  threat. 

All  children,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  are  not  good,  and  I  know 
very  few  that  are  patterns  of  perfection.  One  sometimes 
finds  biographies  of  such  in  Sunday-school  libraries,  but  not 
having  encountered  them  living,  and  meeting  them  only  in 
biographical  reminiscences,  I  incline  to  think  that  they  all 
die  early. 

"  Golly  !  —  Gosh  !  —  Gracious  !"  shouted  a  little  boy  one 
day,  something  having  occurred  to  rouse  his  enthusiasm. 

"  Why,  where  did  you  get  such  a  word  as  that  ?  "  asked  his 
mother. 

"  Oh,  I've  heard  you  say  gracious,  and  the  golly  gosh  I  just 
made  up  myself,"  he  replied. 

One  little  fellow  whom  I  wot  of,  must  have  been  born  full 
of  original  sin,  for  he  used  the  strangest  adjectives  and  exple- 
tives as  soon  as  he  could  lisp.  At  the  time  of  which  I  write 
he  was  only  three  years  old.  His  mother  labored  with  him 
— and  on  him,  occasionally — but  with  no  lasting  benefit, 
though  she  brought  about  spasms  of  repentance  and  promises 
of  reformation.     One  day  she  told  him  that  she  could  bear 


A  BAD  LITTLE  BOY.  477 

him  no  longer ;  she  couldn't  have  a  little  boy  about  her  who 
used  such  language ;  she  would  put  him  away  and  get  another 
little  boy.  In  the  bitterness  and  desolation  of  his  heart,  feel- 
ing himself  discarded,  another  Ishmael,  he  went  out  into  the 
yard  and  sat  down  on  the  grass  to  cry  it  out.  A  little  ban- 
tam rooster,  not  appreciating  the  sadness  of  the  surroundings, 
flew  up  on  the  fence  and  began  a  long,  loud  crow. 

"  Shut  up,  darn  you,"  blubbered  Bobby  through  his  tears; 
"  I  have  trouble  enough  on  my  mind  without  you."  lie  had 
just  resolved  and- promised  to  never  use  that  and  cognate 
words  again. 

But  finally  it  seemed  that  reformation  was  indeed  effected. 
For  two  whole  days  hehad  said  nothing  to  offend  the  most  fas- 
tidious, and  great  was  the  rejoicing  thereat.  The  compres- 
sion, however,  proved  too  great,  the  load  of  forbidden  exple- 
tives— brick-bats  of  the  vocabulary  lay  heavily  on  his  brain 
and  must  be  worked  off*.  So  one  day  he  burst  into  the  house 
in  a  real  or  simulated  state  of  excitement.  "Oh,  mother!" 
he  shouted,  "  what  do  you  think  ?  I  was  over  across  the  way 
just  now  and  a  horse  was  tied  there — the  wickedest  horse 
ever  you  did  see.  He  just  stood  there  and  said  by  golly,  and 
by  gosh,  and  gol  darn  you,  and  everything  else  you  can 
think  of.  If  you'd  been  there  you'd  a  whipped  him  ever  so 
hard,  and  so  would  I  if  I'd  had  a  whip." 

Did  ever  you  hear  of  such  an  expedient  for  relieving  the 
overburdened  mind? 

Occasionally,  however,  though  at  very  long  intervals — one 
does  meet  one  of  the  children  whose  existence  is  generally 
doubted.  I  have  one  in  my  mind's  eye  now,  daughter  of  a 
friend  of  mine,  dear  little  Daisy — transplanted  some  four 
summers  since  to  blossom  in  heaven.  Sweet,  gentle,  and 
with  a  thoughtfulness  and  intelligence  beyond  her  years,  she 
was  the  darling  of  all  who  knew  her,  and  indeed  merited 
the  charming  memorial  written  by  Mrs.  Sigourney. 

One  day  she  came  in  from  the  garden  witli  bolli  a  mse-bud 
and  a  rose  : — "  See  mamma,"  she  said,  laying  the  bud  in  her 
mother's  lap,  "  there's  the  fewer ;  and  here  (holding  uj)  the 
rose)  is  the  fower's  mamma." 


478  LILIES  AND  SPARROWS. 

Visiting  once  in  the  country  she  enjoyed  herself  so  raucli 
that  she  did  not  wish  to  return  to  the  city  when  her  mother 
did.  "  See  here,  mamma,"  said  she,  bringing  in  a  star-faced 
flower  she  had  found  in  the  field,  "  can't  you  take  that  daisy 
with  you  and  let  this  Daisy  stay  ? " 

She  had  a  great  idea  of  neatness  and  order,  always  folding 
her  clothes  nicely  and  putting  them  away  without  a  wrinkle 
in  her  little  bureau.  Any  violation  of  "  heaven's  first  law  " 
occasioned  a  reproof  from  her.  So  it  was  that  visiting  a  rel- 
ative of  her  father  in  New  England  she  had  great  trouble 
with  the  fowls.  She  liked  to  call  them  around  the  door 
and  feed  them,  but  they  made  a  sad  litter  on  the  steps, 
and  this  was  objected  to  by  others  as  well  as  reprehen- 
ded by  herself.  One  morning  she  was  overheard  talking 
to  the  flock :  — "  You  old  rooster,  you,"  said  she,  hold- 
ing up  her  finger  at  the  responsible  member,  "aren't  you 
ashamed*  of  yourself,  dirtying  up  Aunt  Sarah's  nice  door 
steps  ?  The  chickens  aren't  so  much  to  blame,  for  they're 
young  things,  but  you're  old  enough  to  know  better,  you  big 
naughty  rooster." 

Our  own  Paulina  says  things  worthy  of  record  oftener 
than  occasionally.  For  instance,  last  winter  she  took  great 
interest  in  the  poor,  and  organized  a  sewing  society  to  pro- 
vide destitute  children  with  calico  aprons.  First  she  chris- 
tened her  society  "  The  Meek  Lilies  of  the  Valley,"  but  on 
being  told  that  lilies  toiled  not,  neither  did  they  sew,  chang- 
ed the  name  to  "  The  Clinton  Avenue  Sparrows."  And  her 
frequent  prayer  at  night  was  "  If  I  do  meet  a  poor  little 
girl  to-morrow,  God,  please  put  it  into  my  heart  to  give  her 
somethino'." 

But  this  chapter  has  alread}^  reached  a  greater  length  than  I 
intended.  It  was  simply  my  intention  to  narrate  some 
childish  sayings  which  pleased  me,  for  the  amusement  of  a 
larger  circle.  I  might  have  made  the  children  say  wiser 
things  perhaps,  and  might  in  several  instances  have  added 
some  garniture ;  but  I  elected  simply  to  faithfully  transcribe, 
and  the  reader  may  depend  that  I  have  written  nothing 
which  has  not  to  my  own  knowledge  been  said. 


CHAPTER  LXYI. 

WHICH   IS   DEVOTED   TO    A    BIED   BKEAKFAST. 

IT  is  not  of  a  "  bird  breakfast "  in  the  common  acceptation 
of  the  term  that  I  purpose  to  write.  In  this  instance  it 
was  the  birds  that  ate  instead  of  being  eaten,  a  distinction 
which  may  not  suggest  itself  as  material  to  the  reader,  but 
which,  there  is  reason  to  believe,  makes  a  vast  difference  to 
the  birds. 

I  spent  that  summer  at  home.  Were  I  writing  a  romance, 
I  should  say  "  the  home  of  my  ancestors  ; "  but  as  I  am  only 
making  a  plain  book  of  it,  rhetoric  must  be  sacrificed  to 
fact.  My  ancestors  never  lived  at  Border  Ilill  cottage,  if 
the  truth  must  be  known ;  and  as  it  is  a  rather  pretty  and 
comfortable  place,  I  am  sorry  for  them.  They  might  have 
played  base-ball  in  the  meadows  and  croquet  on  the  lawn, 
and  been  all  the  better  for  it — perhaps  alive  at  this  day. 

This  cottage  was  situated  upon  the  brow  of  a  gently  slop- 
ing eminence,  about  a  half  mile  removed  from  tlie  busy 
heart  of  the  village,  and  from  the  busy  bodies  as  well.  It  was 
backed  by  green  woods,  and  relieved  on  either  side  by  smil- 
ing meadows,  across  wiiich  tlic  breath  of  clover-blooms 
was  blown  to  mingle  with  the  musk  of  the  roses  and  the 
scent  of  the  eglantines,  which  grew  nearer  the  house.  In 
the  door-yard  there  were  apphvtrees,  mountain  ashes,  mnples, 
locusts,  beeches,  and  any  niiiiilici-  of  those  seedy-I<i<)l<ing 
trees  among  whose  branches  caterpillars  delight  {<>  cruwl,  to 
say  nothing  of  a  cedar  hedge;.  And  of  that  hedge  ])erhaps 
the  less  said  the  better.  L\kc  the  side-whiskers  of  a  younger 
brother,  it  was  only  an  experiment ;  and  the  cedars  which 

470 


480  A  NEST  BECOMES  NON  EST. 

composed  it  stood  most  imsociablj  and  imbecomingly  apart, 
each  one  looking  scraggy  and  disconnected  from  its  neighbor, 
as  thongh  it  intended  to  advertise  to  passers-by  : — "No  con- 
nection with  the  concern  next  door !  " 

Still,  for  all  its  scragginess  and  iminvitingness,  early  in  the 
season  one  bold  bird  ventured  to  build  in  that  cedar  hedge. 
Fanny,  who  took  all  the  birds  about  the  premises  under  her 
protection,  brooding  over  their  nests  as  though  she  were  the 
bird  that  built  them,  and  had  a  direct  interest  in  the  progress 
of  incubation,  spied  out  this  nest  one  day,  and  brought  us 
all  to  enjoy  the  discovery  with  her.  Columbus  was  scarcely 
content  with  finding  a  continent;  but  to  my  little  niece  a 
fresh  nest  was  a  new  world.  There  were  four  eggs  nicely 
tucked  away  among  the  leaves,  and  the  sight  was  certainly  a 
pleasing  one.     But  an  unlooked-for  misfortune  occurred. 

At  the  time  that  the  summons  came  to  see  the  nest,  a 
monkey,  which  was  the  companion  of  my  travels  from  the 
Isthmus  of  Panama,  was  on  exhibition,  and  the  family  were 
wondering  at  his  tricks.  "We  took  Jocko  along  to  see  it, 
thinking  he  might  take  an  interest  in  such  things. 

The  result  proved  that  he  did.  The  moment  that  his 
quick,  mischievous  eye  caught  sight  of  the  nest,  forth  darted 
a  long  hairy  arm,  like  the  neck  of  that  sea-serpent  which  is 
said  to  hover  over  the  decks  of  vessels,  picking  up  unsus- 
picious sailors ;  and  the  eggs  were  in  his  hand  and  down  his 
throat  before  one  could  say  Jack  Eobinson,  or  raise  a  finger 
in  even  ineffectual  remonstrance.  Not  only  the  eggs  did  he 
swallow,  but  also  the  hair  and  wool  with  wdiich  the  nest  was 
lined ;  and  there  Fanny  found  a  shadow  of  consolation,  for  it 
seemed  a  physical  certainty  that  his  health  must  suffer;  but 
no — his  digestion  was  not  at  all  interfered  Math.  Had  he 
died  he  might  have  been  forgiven,  but  he  lived  and  was 
unrepentant.  So  he  was  known  to  Fanny  as  "  that  hateful 
monkey"  to  the  day  of  his  death. 

After  the  unfortunate  affair  just  chronicled,  Fanny,  per- 
sisting in  considering  me  and  the  whole  party  as  particeps 
criminis  with  Jocko,  refused  to  reveal  the  whereabouts  of 


YET  ANOTHER  NEST  SUFFERS.  481 

any  subsequent  nests.  But  strangely  enougli,  tliis  severe 
reticence  produced  a  result  quite  as  unforeseen  and  disastrous 
as  did  her  former  indiscreet  confidence.  One  day  the 
monkey  was  on  the  veranda,  and  we  all  stood  watching  his 
gyrations  and  performances  upon  a  flying  trapeze  of  a  pattern 
that  no  human  gymnast  has  yet  attempted.  Suddenly,  while 
he  was  seated  at  the  top  of  one  of  the  pillars — taking,  as  we 
supposed,  a  breathing-spell  between  acts — a  cloud  of  dust 
arose,  there  was  a  scattering  of  straw,  and  we  caught  a  gleam 
of  something  speckled.  Down  at  our  feet  lay  the  dtbris  of 
a  ravished  nest,  and  we  knew  that  the  poor  brown  bird's 
speckled  eggs  had  gone  down  Jocko's  insatiate  throat. 
There  was  no  denying  his  guilt ;  the  albumen  yet  dripped 
from  his  cruel  mouth,  and  his  paws  were  swift  witnesses  to 
his  crime ;  he  was  taken  yellow-handed,  and  even  an  alibi 
could  not  have  saved  him. 

Thenceforth  he  was  banished  to  the  back-yard,  where  he 
served  out  a  long  sentence  of  solitary  confinement  with  a 
chain  and  ball  attached  to  his  leg.  And  as  for  myself,  the 
unwitting  and  unwilling  accomplice  in  all  the  mischief,  if 
Fanny  had  her  way,  it  is  probable  that  I  would  have  done 
penance  in  like  manner  with  that  arch-ofiender,  for  she  per- 
sistently asserted  that  "  Uncle  Charlie  knew  the  nest  was 
there,  and  told  the  monkey." 

But  all  this  while  our  bird  breakfast  is  getting  cold. 

For  some  reason  or  other  the  birds  seemed  to  prefer  occu- 
pying the  eaves  of  the  veranda  to  nesting  among  the  trees  ; 
it  was  considered  more  aristocratic  perhaps.  And  as  for  the 
cedar  hedge,  after  the  application  of  a  monkey-wrench  to 
that  unfortunate  nest,  as  lias  already  been  related,  it  came  to 
be  regarded  by  feathered  fiimilies  about  to  set  up  house- 
keeping as  not  a  very  eligil)le  location.  It  seemed  generally 
imderstood  ainong  birds  that  any  nest  built  in  those  deceitful 
cedars  was  certain  to  be  destroyed  and  dcvourcMl  l»y  "a 
monster  in  human  form  ;"  but,  notwithstanding  the  kindred 
incident  which  occurred  on  the  veranda,  it  was  impossible  to 
ehake  their  faith  in  that.  So  the  bluebirds,  immediately 
31 


482  THE  BLUEBIRDS  BUILD. 

after  seeing  their  first  nest  wrecked  nnder  its  shelter, 
proceeded  to  pick  flint  and  try  it  again.  Material  lay  ready 
to  their  shuttling  feet,  and  soon  these  were  at  work  with  a 
click  like  a  weaver's  loom.  Soon,  too,  the  nest  was  built, 
and  soon  it  was  lined  with  eggs,  though,  as  Fanny  said, 
"  neither  of  the  birds  never  cackled  once."  Then  we  had 
visions  of  a  solicitous-looking  little  head  peering  above  the 
straw  walls,  while  a  bird,  too  busy  to  be  a  bachelor,  though 
blue-coated  and  dandified  enough  to  all  seeming  for  a 
D'Orsay,  brought  grasshoppers  and  other  light  summer 
refreshments  to  his  brooding  bride. 

In  due  time  a  cheerful  chirping  was  heard,  and  then  we 
knew  that  Lady  Bluebird's  work  was  ended — that  the  chicks 
were  out  of  the  shell.  The  mouths  of  those  little  birds, 
peeping  over  the  edge  of  the  nest,  awaiting  the  arrival  of 
their  daily  berries  and  worms,  were  indeed  "  curious  to  see." 
Have  you  ever  seen  a  young  bluebird's  mouth?  Why,  it  is 
as  wide  as  a  Christmas  stocking,  and  almost  as  deep  as  one — 
literally  stretching  from  ear  to  ear,  and  going  down  till 
you  can  see  no  further  for  the  darkness.  I  was  sometimes 
afraid  that  the  old  birds,  as  they  leaned  carelessly  over  the 
-edge  of  the  nest,  would  drop  into  one  of  the  dreadful  gulfs, 
and  be  seen  no  more  in  the  air  forever. 

It  was  wonderful  to  me  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bluebird  did 
not  sometimes  despair  of  filling  the  aching  voids  revealed  to 
them ;  and  it  occurred  to  me,  that  were  I  Mr.  Bluebird  I 
should  just  drop  a  brickbat  down  each  throat,  and  so  fill 
each  mouth  permanently  and  at  once.  But  the  papa  seemed 
patient ;  and  if  ever  he  reproached  his  partner  in  business 
for  the  trouble  she  had  brought  him,  it  was  late  at  night, 
and  after  the  young  birds  were  asleep. 

The  particular  breakfast  about  which  this  chapter  is 
written,  must  have  been  a  gala  breakfast,  in  celebration  of 
some  holiday,  or  perhaps  the  wedding  of  the  parents.  Hap- 
pening to  be  up  early,  I  was  present — though  not  an  invited 
guest.  My  first  entrance  uj^on  the  scene  discomposed  all 
parties  except  myself.     However,  drawing  up  my  chair  near 


MR.  AND  MRS.  BLUEBIRD  AT  HOME.  4S3 

to  one  of  the  pillars  of  the  veranda,  so  that  the  honeysuckle 
M-hich  wound  aronnd  them  spilled  its  dews  into  my  ear,  I 
jnade  myself  at  home — the  best  way,  I  have  observed,  of 
putting  everybody  else  thoroughly  at  ease.  But  it  was  some 
time  before  the  proprietors  of  the  nest  would  trust  them- 
selves under  the  same  roof  with  me.  Prctendino-  business 
abroad,  they  both  flew  twittering  away.  Feeling  contident 
of  their  return,  I  waited  and  watelied. 

By-and-by  a  rush  of  wings,  and  there,  on  a  twig  of  an 
apple-tree  opposite,  perched  the  happy  couple.  They  looked 
at  me  sharply  and  reprovingly,  as  though  to  wonder  wdiat  I 
was  doing  there,  and  why  1  did  not  take  the  hint  and  my 
departure,  when  I  saw  so  evidently  that  I  was  not  wanted. 
No  idea  of  going  entered  my  head,  for  I  was  curious  to  in- 
vestigate domestic  economy  as  practiced  in  dwellings  where 
drawing-room,  parlor,  kitchen  and  bed-room  are  all  on  one 
floor,  with  not  even  a  leaf  between  by  way  of  partition. 
Both  the  bluebirds  had  something  in  their  bills — "shad- 
flies,"  I  think.  After  waiting  some  time  for  me  to  get  up 
to  go,  Mrs.  Bluebird,  seemingly  losing  all  patience,  quietly 
swallowed  the  food  she  bore  in  her  bill.  Mr.  Bluebird  east 
a  reproachful  glance  upon  her,  but  said  nothing.  His  heart 
may  not  have  been  too  full  to  speak,  but  certainly  his  mouth 
was. 

What  do  you  think  that  Mrs.  Bhiebird  then  did — perhaps 
by  way  of  showing  her  independence?  She  very  coolly 
picked  the  fly,  grasshop])er,  or  whatever  it  was,  from  her 
liu.sband's  bill,  and  swallowed  that.  For  an  instant  he  looked 
at  her,  more  in  sorrow  than  in  anger,  an  et  tu  Brute  expres- 
sion in  his  eye,  then  with  a  sudden  burst  of  passion  gave  her 
a  sharp  dab  with  liis  beak  which  sent  a  feather  or  two  flutter- 
ing down  the  leafy  lane.  1  rejoice  to  record  that  Mrs.  Blue- 
bird accepted  the  chastisement  meekly,  and  with  the  con- 
scious air  of  one  mIio  knew  that  it  was  deserved. 

After  awhile  the  birds  became  bolder  and  made  tinn'd 
excursions  toward  the  veranda,  trying  to  get  a  flying  peep  at 
their  nest,  to  see  how  things  were  going  on  in  the  inferior. 


484:  LAYING  IN  GRUB. 

Seeing  that  I  made  no  hostile  demonstration,  these  flights 
became  less  hurried,  and  at  last  thej  ventured  inside  for  a 
moment.  Never  stirred  I  from  my  chair,  nor  winked  even 
an  eyelid,  and  gradually  confidence  was  established  between 
XLS,  and  I  became  accepted  as  one  of  the  family.  On  this 
basis  of  mutual  good  faith  they  made  thenceforth  regular 
trips  to  their  distant  larder,  leaving  me  in  charge  of  things 
during  their  absence.  As  they  always  flew  away  in  one 
direction,  I  imagine  they  must  have  had  an  immense  number 
of  worms  on  deposit  in  some  great  national  mud-bank — a 
bank,  if  I  may  use  the  expression,  upon  which  they  were 
authorized  to  draw  sight  bills.  For  the  first  time  in  my  life 
I  understood  how  food  came  to  be  familiarly  called  "  grub." 

How  the  parents  discriminated  among  all  the  mouths 
stretched  up  to  them  for  supplies,  I  do  not  know.  Indeed, 
I  do  not  think  they  pretended  to  discriminate  at  all ;  on  the 
contrary,  they  just  seemed  to  drop  the  "victual"  into  the 
first  mouth  that  came  handy.  It  may  be  that  some  distinc- 
tion was  made  in  favor  of  the  one  widest  opened,  but  there 
are  no  premises  to  build  such  a  supposition  upon.  Some- 
times I  suspected  that  one  mouth  got  it  all,  the  cunning 
little  owner  edging  quickly  around  and  presenting  it  at  all 
sides  of  the  nest  in  rapid  succession.  He  succeeded  in  mak- 
ing a  revolving  mouth  of  it,  but,  unlike  the  patent  fire-arm, 
'twas  one  that  could  never  be  adequately  loaded. 

One  thing  I  was  glad  to  note  for  the  credit  of  my  sex. 
The  papa  bird  was  industrious,  nay,  indefatigable  in  bringing 
food  to  the  house.  I  think  he  must  be  known  among  the 
nestwives  of  Bluebirddom  as  a  good  provider.  With  pro- 
viding, however,  I  fear  his  mission  ended,  for  I  cannot  con- 
scientiously say  that  he  seemed  to  know  much  about  taking 
care  of  babies.  Mrs.  Bluebird  would  tuck  the  little  ones  in 
with  her  bill,  fondle  and  dandle  them  in  their  straw  cradle, 
and  chirp  all  sorts  of  baby-talk  for  their  delectation  ;  but 
Mr.  Bluebird  simply  brought  his  grasshopper,  worm,  or 
berry;  poked  it  into  a  convenient  mouth  as  though  he  were 
posting  a  commercial  letter ;  stood  on  one  leg  for  a  minute 


THE  BIRDS'  BATTLE-CRY.  485 

or  two  with  a  puzzled  and  awkward  loolc,  evidently  impress- 
ed with  a  conviction  that  he  ought  to  do  something,  but  not 
knowing  exactly  what  to  do  or  how  to  do  it ;  and  then  flew 
off  after  another  worm.  Had  he  attempted  to  be  more  useful 
in  the  nurserv,  I  doubt  not  he  would  have  made  a  distressful 
figure  of  it,  perhaps  holding  his  baby  wrong  side  up,  as  I 
have  seen  ambitious  papas  do.  But  in  the  face  of  his  inevi- 
table awkwardness  he  was  such  an  attentive  father  and 
devoted  husband,  that  I  wonder  Mrs,  Bluebird  did  not  get 
up  early  some  morning  and  sew  brass  buttons  on  his  blue 
coat  by  way  of  giving  him  a  pleasant  surprise. 

I  was  not  permitted  to  enjoy  ray  bird  breakfast  alone. 
One  by  one  the  whole  family  put  in  an  appearance,  yawning 
in  the  early  morning  as  though  each  wanted  a  grasshopper. 
All  the  household,  except  the  monkey,  was  represented ;  but 
the  birds  had  now  got  used  to  spectators,  and  the  breakfast 
went  merrily  on.  The  only  interruption  was  occasioned  by 
the  introduction  of  a  bright  green  paroquet,  a  companion 
piece  to  the  monkey — also  a  native  of  Panama — and  my 
compagnon  de  'voyage  thence.  Fanny  hung  his  cage  out  on 
the  veranda,  that  he  miglit  enjoy  the  scene  and  be  refreshed 
with  pleasant  reminiscences,  possibly,  of  the  days  when  he 
too  breakfasted  al  fresco  with  his  family,  under  great  palms 
which  cast  the  surrounding  trees  immeasurably  into  the 
shade. 

Mercy  on  us,  what  a  fuss  there  was !  Both  birds  darted 
at  the  cage  like  furies,  beating  their  wings  against  the  wires, 
and  endeavoring  to  spear  the  poor  little  inmate  with  their 
sharp  beaks.  He,  poor  fellow,  was  terribly  frightened,  be- 
traying in  his  distress  an  agitation  similar  to  that  wiiicli 
King  Phineas  may  have  displayed  when  the  harpies  were 
rushing  around  him,  and  making  free  with  his  tables.  Not 
content  with  being  embroiled  themselves,  the  excited  blue- 
birds sounded  a  bird  battle-cry,  and  in  less  time  than  I  can 
write  it,  the  air  and  trees  around  were  full  of  feathered  war- 
riors. Not  the  birds  in  blue  alone,  but  robins,  sparrows, 
wrens,  ground-birds,  yellow-birds,  linnets,  cat-birds,  flew  to 


•486  WAR  ON  THE  FOREIGNER. 

tlie  fray— for  it  conld  not  be  called  a  rescue.  I  remember 
one  little  tomtit,  literally  "  no  bigger  than  your  thumb," 
that  dashed  into  the  meUe  with  a  spirit  worthy  of  a  larger 
bird.  He  took  little  working  part,  it  is  true,  but  he  sat  on 
the  fence  and  cheered  the  combatants  on,  ruffling  his  feathers 
the  while  and  endeavoring  to  look  as  big  as  a  buzzard. 
Thinking  to  end  it  all  by  showing  that  the  green-doubleted 
stranger  was  a  friend  of  mine,  and  consequently  entitled  to 
the  hospitalities  of  the  mansion,  I  stepped  forward  and  took 
him  from  the  cage. 

At  once  the  confusion  was  doubled  and  redoubled,  and  in 
the  wild  sweep  and  swirl  of  wings  and  snip  of  beaks  that 
followed,  the  Central  American  was  knocked  from  his  perch 
upon  my  finger  and  dashed  to  the  ground  with  a  violence 
which  dislocated  one  of  his  brightest  tail-feathers.  It  was 
indeed  singular  how  the  timid  little  creatures,  before  afraid 
to  venture  within  the  veranda's  length  of  a  human  being, 
became  so  suddenly  brave  when  they  thought  their  birdlings 
in  danger.  Picking  up  my  protege,  1  beat  a  retreat,  pursued 
by  the  flying  artillery  so  suddenly,  but  so  effectively  organ- 
ized—robins, wrens,  cat-birds,  tomtits,  and  all  setting  up  a 
wild  concert  of  triumph  in  honor  of  their  victory. 

I  fancy  that  long  in  bird  history  thereabout  the  story  will 
be  told  of  the  appearance  of  the  green  monster  with  the  ter- 
rible hooked  beak,  and  his  complete  discomfiture,  as  well  as 
that  of  his  Anak  allies,  by  the  brave  volunteers  that  rushed 
and  rallied  to  the  border.*  The  cause  of  all  the  alarm  and 
pother  I  am  yet  unable  to  determine,  but  "Wearin'  the 
Green  "  so  jauntily,  the  stranger  was  perhaps  mistaken  for  a 
Fenian— the  Head  Centre,  peradventure,  of  some  feathered 
order,  and  the  natives  of  the  air  rallied  to  the  support  of 
their  soberer  colors. 

The  next  morning  the  house  was  awakened  at  an  unusually 
early  hour  by  a   distressed   voice.     It   was  that  of   Fanny 

*  Border  Hill  cottage  is  near  the  Canada  line,  and  at  the  time  my  bird 
breakfast  came  off,  there  was  great  excitement  all  round,  over  the  Fenian 
raid. 


NOT  DEAD  BUT  SLEEPING.  4S7 

•weeping  for  her  birdlings  and  refusing  to  be  comforted, 
because  she  tliouglit  them  dead,  Motlier  confirmed  the  sad 
intelligence,  and  further  said  she  had  held  ^^jpost  moHeynexom.- 
ination  over  the  remains.  Deserted  bj  their  parents,  owing  to 
the  fright  of  the  previous  day,  they  had  perished  of  cold  and 
hunger  during  the  night.  So  ran  the  coroner's  verdict, 
but  it  is  never  advisable  to  believe  bad  news  implicitly 
even  when  we  see  it  published  in  the  newspapers.  That 
so  much  beauty  and  such  appetites  could  die  seemed  im- 
possible, to  an  old  campaigner  like  me,  and  issue  was  taken 
with  the  statement  upon  purely  logical  grounds.  But 
mother  had  higher  grounds,  she  asserted,  for  her  belief. 
She  had  climbed  upon  a  chair,  put  her  hand  over  the  nest, 
and  all  was  quiet. 

However,  notwithstanding  all  this  direct  and  circumstan- 
tial evidence  to  the  contrary,  that  the  birds  were  dead  I  could 
not  believe.  That  they  could  have  perished  of  cold  when 
the  night  was  so  warm,  that,  not  satisfied  with  kicking  the 
bedclothes  oif,  I  got  up  and  threw  them  out  of  the  window, 
seemed  impossible ;  and  that  they  could  have  perished  of 
hunger  when  the  day  before  each  and  every  one  had  swal- 
lowed bugs  and  things  enough  to  set  up  an  entomological 
museum,  looked  improbable.  Hurrying  down  to  determine 
the  matter,  I  mounted  a  chair  and  found  the  little  creatures 
all  alive,  and  certainly  showing  no  symptoms  of  collapse  or 
tetanus,  for  each  little  mouth  was  stretched  like  a  pair  of 
tailor's  shears,  and  I  quickly  drew  back  my  nose  from  the 
dangerous  vicinity  lest  it  might  be  mistaken  for  a  cherry. 

An  explanation  of  the  previous  quiet  and  torpidity  M'hich 
alarmed  us  all  may  be  found  in  the  habits  of  these  young 
ogres;  for  1  discover  that  after  one  of  their  late  lunches,  or 
early  breakfasts,  they  lie  as  does  the  boa  constrictor  after 
having  swallowed  a  goat  or  two,  scarcely  stirring  in  their 
nests  and  not  uttering  a  sound  until  the  work  of  digestion  is 
completed.  AVhat  do  you  fancy  they  thought  when  im)thcr's 
liand  folded  over  them?  Tender  as  is  its  touch,  gentle  her 
voice,  and  winning  her  smile,  I  really  do  nut  think  she  sue- 


488  OUR  BIRDLINQS  LEAVE  US. 

ceeded  in  passing  herself  off  as  their  mamma,  or  making 
them  believe  she  was  the  old  bird  !  And  when  they  grow  to 
birdhood,  1  imagine  that  to  their  children  and  their  children's 
children,  along  with  the  story  of  The  Green  Monster,  the 
Battle,  and  the  Escape,  will  also  be  told  the  legend  of  the 
great  white  cloud  which  swept  over  their  nest,  how  it  threat- 
ened to  fold  and  crush  them  in  its  embrace,  how  cunningly 
they  counterfeited  death,  and  how  unharmedly  they  escaj^ed. 
Very  soon  the  birdlings  were  fledged  and  flew  away,  and 
amid  the  multitude  of  blue-coats  around  us  we  failed  to  dis- 
tinguish our  former  pets  and  guests.  The  nest  still  remained, 
but,  dilapidated  and  mouldy,  it  would  scarce  do  for  another 
season's  occupancy  without  many  and  thorough  repairs.  And 
this  story,  which  I  have  written  of  the  early  life  of  its  in- 
mates, may  well  look  tattered,  too,  when  another  summer 
comes.  It  may  be  thought  light  and  trivial,  even  now  in  its 
freshness,  but  is  it  not  a  legend  of  hours  at  home  ? — the 
pleasantest  hours,  to  me,  of  life ;  hours  which  I  always 
cherish  and  remember,  and  turn  back  to  with  longing  and 
regret. 


CHAPTER   LXYII. 

THE    "true    and   veracious"    HISTORY   OF   JOCKO    DE   PANAMA. 

IN  the  previous  cliaptcr  mention  was  made  of  a  monkey 
wliicli  accompanied  me  from  Panama.  Jocko  in  that  in- 
stance was  held  np  before  the  pnblic  in  rather  an  unenvi- 
able and  unpleasant  light,  as  a  ravisher  of  nests,  as  a  disturber  of 
domestic  peace ;  a  wretch,  in  short,  whom  it  were  base  flattery  to 
call  a  coward.  Little  did  I  then  think  that  he  was  so  near  to 
that  undiscovered  country  referred  to  in  a  quotation  with 
which  the  reader  is  perhaps  familiar.  Had  a  suspicion  of  the 
sad  truth  dawned  upon  me,  had  a  shadow  of  the  coming 
event  so  much  as  cast  its  pale  penumbra  upon  the  disk  of  the 
future,  I  should  have  tempered  justice  with  mercy,  and, 
while  chronicling  his  filings,  have  confessed  the  sweet  and 
saving  amenities  of  his  nature,  setting  forth  his  graces  and 
virtues  with  a  tenderness  which  should  have  redeemed  hnn 
from  utter  reprobation  in  the  eyes  of  a  critical  community. 

But  as  with  men,  so  with  monkeys;  justice  is  often  denied 
them  until  they  have  passed  away  from  the  immediate  sphere 
of  action,  and  their  ear-drums  are  numb  and  duml)  to  the  tap 
of  honest  praise.  Let  me  pay  to  Jocko  dead  that  desert 
which  was  denied  him  living.  A  brief  record  of  his  life 
and  services,  public  and  private,  should  not  prove  uninter- 
esting even  to  tlie  reader  who  vociferously  disclaims  a 
common  humanity.  And,  though  it  serve  no  other  end, 
it  will  surely  comfort  and  interest  the  survivors  of  the 
family,  contributing  a  sort  of  beacon-light  for  other  mon- 
keys to  steer  by,  reminding  them  that  they,  too,  dojiarting, 
may  leave  behind  them  tracks  upon  the  sands  of   time  for 

480 


490  I  MEET  JOCKO  DE  PANAMA. 

tlie  encouragement  of  men  and  brothers.  Yery  many 
biographies  are  written  with  no  better  motive,  I  fancy. 

I  first  met  Jocko  de  Panama  on  the  Isthmus.  The  cars 
which  were  to  whirl  us  across  the  narrow  neck  of  land  which 
partitions  the  two  oceans  were  about  starting,  and  I  was 
looking  through  them  to  find  a  seat.  The  passengers  as 
usual  on  railway  trains  looked  wearisomely  alike,  dusty, 
dirty,  and  disagreeable.  But  one  face  and  fonn  broke  the 
monotony.  After  this  prelude  it  is  needless  to  say  that  the 
face  and  form  were  those  of  Jocko. 

He  sat  as  any  other  traveler  might  and  probably  would, 
occupying  one  seat  with  his  body  and  another  w'ith  his  bag- 
gage (having  no  carpet-sack,  nor  shawl,  nor  Saratoga  trunk 
to  file  a  preemption  claim  with,  he  simply  coiled  his  tail  up 
alongside  of  him),  and  altogether  evincing  as  little  regard 
for  the  rights  and  convenience  of  others,  as  he  could  had  he 
been  human.  Notwithstanding  that  the  seat  on  which  he 
sprawled  out  was  plainly  enough  meant  for  two,  he  could  not 
have  shown  less  intention  of  making  room  for  me  had  he 
been  a  city  merchant  riding  out  to  his  suburban  villa  at  Yon- 
kers,  or  a  lady  with  a  plenitude  of  skirts  and  flounces.  By 
way  of  hinting  to  him  that  I  desired  a  seat,  I  planted  the 
box  I  carried  upon  his  tail ;  whereupon  he  drew  it  in  to  him 
with  a  growl,  while  I  took  immediate  possession  of  the  re- 
covered territory. 

His  face  M-as  intelligent  and  decidedly  prepossessing, 
though  not  such  a  one,  perhaps,  as  a  sentimental  girl  would 
fall  in  love  with  at  first  sight.  The  brow  was  neither  very 
lofty  nor  expansive,  but  the  nose,  besides  being  excessively 
characteristic,  w^as  quite  delicately  chiseled.  His  eyes  were 
quick  and  piercing,  but  so  red  and  restless  withal,  that  no 
novelist  would  ever  feel  justified  in  treating  them  as  "  grand 
and  beautiful  orbs."  His  mouth,  though  it  might  not  have 
been  considered  good  for  a  man,  was  excellent  for  a  monkey. 
It  was  not  "  a  rosebud  mouth,"  perhaps,  but  I  make  bold  to 
aver  that  it  was  a  very  good  fruit  and  sugar  mouth,  as  was 
amply  demonstrated  on  our  voyage.  So  much  by  way  of 
personal  description. 


WE  KIDE  SIDE  BY  SIDE.  491 

Deeming  it  one's  bomiden  duty  to  make  some  attempt  at 
sociability  and  agreeability  even  in  a  railway  car,  I  at  once 
made  overtures  to  my  neighbor.  But  a  moment  before  I 
had  succeeded  in  carrying  on  quite  a  pleasant  flirtation 
with  a  most  unpromising-looking  parrot  by  scratching  her 
head.  So,  reasoning  by  analogy  that  what  pleased  Poll 
must  needs  please  Jocko,  I  put  out  my  hand.  His  head  dis- 
appeared from  view  as  completely  as  though  he  had  swal- 
lowed it,  and  nothing  was  to  be  seen  but  mouth — mouth — 
mouth — open,  defiant,  and  expectant.  Declining  to  gratify 
his  whim  by  putting  a  finger  or  even  my  foot  in,  I  drew 
back,  and  after  musing  a  moment  on  the  ingratitude  and 
inconsistency  of  men  and  monkeys,  turned  my  attention  to 
the  scenery  without.  Palms,  palms,  palms — nothing  but 
palms  so  far  as  eye  could  reach  ;  thick,  impenetrable  palms, 
of  every  variety  and  size,  their  trunks  wound  and  bound  to- 
gether by  an  undergrowth  through  which  a  weasel  could 
scarcely  make  way  without  the  constant  and  most  wearing 
use  of  teeth  and  claws. 

It  seemed  strange  to  be  whirling  through  such  a  savage 
solitude  in  a  regular  passenger  train,  quite  as  close  and  un- 
comfortable as  those  with  which  we  arc  familiar  in  the 
highest  civilization.  There  was  a  strange  blending  of  tame 
and  wild  in  the  scene  and  surroundings.  Palm-trees  brushed 
the  top  of  the  smoke-stack  with  their  leaves,  and  parrots 
from  the  branches  peered  down  the  fuliginous  funnel,  clat- 
tering away  on  noisy  wings  with  shrill  shrieks  when  the 
shriller  whistle  was  released  to  notify  tigers  and  terrapins 
along  the  route,  that  the  engine  was  coming  and  the  track 
must  be  cleared  at  tlie  risk  of  their  lives. 

On  one  side  of  me  sat  this  untamed  monkey  ;  on  the 
other,  a  little  dandy,  wearing  patent-leather  boots,  and  his 
hair  parted  in  the  middle.  In  front  of  me  sat  a  New  Eng- 
land girl  eating  bananas  and  remarking  upon  the  "long  ap- 
ples "  of  the  country,  while  behind  mo  lolled  a  returning  Cali- 
fornian,  who  evidently  held  to  the  orthodox  belief  that  a  suc- 
cessful  miner   should  neither  shear  nor   shave,  but  always 


492  JOCKO'S  TEETH  MEET  IN  MY  LEG, 

wear  a  slouched  hat  and  his  boots  outside  his  trowsers.  An 
old  gentleman  a  seat  or  two  distant  was  cracking  fresh  Bra- 
zil nuts  with  false  teeth  !  Everything,  in  fact,  was  anom- 
alous, and  not  the  least  of  the  anomalies  was  the  composure 
with  which  I  turned  from  a  contemplation  of  the  wild  and 
beautiful,  the  strange  and  unaccustomed,  betaking  myself  to 
sleep,  as  though  the  train  was  only  whirling  us  past  farm- 
yards where  pullets  cackled  and  cows  lowed  about  red  barn- 
doors. 

Murder!  what  was  that?  And  I  sprang  from  my  seat 
with  a  yell  which  rose  clear  and  shrill  above  the  rattle  and 
thump  of  the  train.  By  accident  I  had  trod  on  Jocko's 
tail,  which  hung  pendent  to  the  floor,  and  snap  through  some 
of  the  best  and  thickest  cloth  which  ever  loom  wrought  or 
tailor  cut,  went  his  white  and  glittering  teeth.  Never  did 
Durham  cow  closer  cling  to  her  calf  than  clung  that  monkey 
to  mine.  His  owner  came  to  the  rescue,  and,  vicious  and 
snarling,  he  let  go  his  hold.  Punishment,  prompt  and 
weighty,  followed.  So  terrible,  however,  were  his  shrieks, 
and  so  pleading  his  supplications,  that  I  begged  for  his  par- 
don and  procured  it,  I  do  not  know  that  I  deserve  any  spe- 
cial credit  for  magnanimity  on  the  occasion,  since,  after 
having  been  bitten  and  stung  by  the  jiggers,  mosquitoes,  and 
gallinippers  of  those  latitudes,  the  bite  of  a  monkey  was 
rather  a  pleasant  relief.  Jocko  seemed  to  appreciate  my 
interference  in  his  behalf ;  at  least  he  curled  himself  up 
in  my  lap,  and  sobbed  himself  to  sleep  like  a  naughty 
child. 

On  the  passage  up  from  Aspinwall  I  saw  him  frequently. 
He  was  a  study  to  me.  In  some  things  he  was  very  human 
indeed.  All  memory  of  subsequent  kindnesses  seemed  to  have 
passed  away,  and  he  only  remembered  that  I  once  trod  on 
his  tail.  I  tried  to  revive  some  recollection  of  my  gener- 
ous interference  in  his  behalf,  but  this  could  only  be  accom- 
plished by  "tipping"  him  with  a  lump  of  sugar. 

Another  monkey  was  on  board,  and  a  greater  contrast  than 
existed  between  these  two  cannot  well  be  imagined.     The 


JOCKO  IS  MISANTHROPIC.  493 

one  was  lively  and  jolly  as  a  fire-cracker  on  tlie  Fourth  of 
July,  jumping  about  and  swinging  his  tail,  for  want  of  a  hat, 
in  one  perpetual  jollification.  But  the  other — my  Jocko 
that  became — was  sullen  and  morose.  He  seemed  to  look 
upon  every  one  who  approached  him  as  his  natural  enemy, 
and  to  view  the  world  at  large  as  a  great  ball  of  dirt,  against 
which  he  entertained  a  grudge  of  long  standing.  If  one 
attempted  to  do  him  a  kindness,  he  suspected  that  some 
sinister  motive  lay  beneath.  He  must  have  been  betrayed, 
I  think,  in  early  life.  The  object  of  his  young  afi'ections, 
perhaps,  took  up  with  some  other  monkey  that  had  a  higher 
roost  and  knew  where  there  were  more  bananas  and  cocoa- 
nuts,  or  perhaps  he  was  an  aspirant  for  political  preferment 
which  was  denied  him.  The  theory  that  it  was  grief  at  leav- 
ing his  native  woods  which  jangled  the  sweet  bells  of  his 
temper  so  sadly  out  of  tune  1  discredit  and  deny.  But  what- 
ever may  have  been  the  cause  the  efiect  was  indisputable. 
Like  Byron,  he  did  not  love  the  world  or  the  world 
him.  The  treatment  he  received  from  the  sailors,  perhaps, 
had  something  to  do  with  confirming  him  in  his  morose 
views  of  life  and  the  eternal  unfitness  of  things  ;  for  it  cer- 
tainly could  not  conduce  much  to  his  amiability  of  tempera- 
ment to  have  tobacco-juice  squirted  into  his  eyes,  while  his 
neighbor  was  fed  and  feted  with  gingerbread  from  the 
cabin. 

In  some  cases  discipline  hardens  rather  than  softens.  Poor 
Jocko  !  I  think  of  his  trip  from  Aspinwall  hither  with  sor- 
row and  regret,  for  empliatically  his  hand  was  against  every 
man,  and  all  hands  were  against  him.  For  the  time  he  was 
the  Ishmacl  of  the  seas,  and  received  indeed  what  is  prover- 
bially said  to  be  "  monkey's  allowance " — more  kicks 
than  halfpence.  He  could  not  have  been  worse  treated  had 
he  been  a  cabin-bo}'. 

Judge  of  my  surprise  when  on  reaching  New  York  his 
owner  came  up,  and,  putting  the  raw-hide  thong  which 
bound  liim  into  my  hand,  said,  "  Me  presentez  you."  What 
moved   my   Spanish  friend  to  the  generosity  ?      Had  he 


494:  JOCKO  BECOMES  MINE. 

noticed  that  somehow  there  was  a  sympathetic  feeling  be- 
tween lis  ?  That  I,  too,  was  naturally  of  a  rather  unhappy 
turn  of  mind,  viewing  the  world  through  dyspeptic  and  bil- 
ious glasses,  shrinking  from  specie  and  my  species,  and  pre- 
ferring solitude  to  the  busy  hum  of  the  masses,  folding  sor- 
row to  my  breast  and  brooding  over  a  secret  grief?  Yerily, 
I  know  not ;  but  whatever  were  the  motives  which  inspired 
the  don  the  thing  was  done,  and  a  tableau  in  which  I  stood 
as  the  central  figure  was  the  result. 

In  my  astonishment  1  fear  that  I  forgot  to  return  thanks, 
or  even  signify  a  gracious  acceptance  of  the  gift.  And 
the  man  was  gone  and  the  monkey  mine !  There  was  a  po- 
sition for  a  stranger  to  occupy,  landing,  after  an  absence 
of  years,  in  the  metropolis  of  America.  I  thought  of  the 
man  who  drew  the  elephant  in  the  lottery  ;  of  a  book  just 
out  called  What  will  He  do  with  It  f  and  contemplated  a 
small  work  myself,  to  be  entitled  Too  Much  hy  Half.  But 
there  was  no  helj)  for  it ;  and  with  a  resignation  worthy  of 
the  politest  Parisian  I  prepared  to  "  accept  the  situation." 
To  a  certain  extent  Jocko  was  a  foundling  thrust  upon  my 
hands,  and  I  could  not  conscientiously  abandon  him  to  the 
cold  charities  of  the  world. 

There  was  some  slight  trouble  at  landing.  The  reader, 
perhaps,  knows  that  at  the  gang-way  of  all  vessels  arriving 
under  suspicion  of  having  touched  at  foreign  ports  in  their 
wanderings,  a  custom-house  officer  is  stationed,  whose  busi- 
ness it  is  to  overhaul  baggage,  and  ask  passengers  troublesome 
conundrums  before  permitting  them  to  go  ashore.  To 
satisfy  him  that  I  had  nothing  contraband  about  me,  and  at 
the  same  time,  keep  the  frightened  Jocko  quiet,  was  more 
than  one  man  could  do.  It  was  the  monkey's  first  intro- 
duction to  hack-drivers,  and  he  was  endeavoring  to  outchat- 
ter  them.  Some  sympatliizer  approached  him  to  ofi'er  an 
apple,  but  he,  mistaking  the  overture  for  one  of  a  threaten- 
ing character,  sprang  from  my  arms,  and  seized  the  unaccus- 
tomed officer  of  customs  by  the  hair,  at  the  same  that  his  tail 
wound  round  that  astonished  individual's  neck  like  the  folds 
of  a  small  boa-constrictor. 


GOING  ASHORE.  495 

The  startled  man  gave  a  nervons  spring,  wliich  -^oiild  have 
landed  him  over  the  rail  and  in  the  bay  had  not  the  mon- 
key's tail  held  him  in  check  as  firmly  and  securely  as  a  tug- 
boat snubbed  by  a  hawser.  A  wonderful  prehensile  force 
lurked  in  that  tail  of  Jocko,  let  me  here  explain,  and  his  first 
movement  on  effecting  a  change  of  base  was  to  lasso  the 
most  convenient  thing  that  offered.  Lead  him  through  a 
room  and  he  would  switch  chairs  along  with  him  and  over- 
turn tables  like  a  medium  of  extraordinary  power.  The 
only  time  that  I  remember  to  have  seen  him  fairly  baffled  in 
an  attempt  to  garrote  anything  animate  or  inanimate  was 
when  he  curled  his  narrative  round  a  red-hot  stove,  and  at- 
tempted to  drag  that  from  its  firm-set  foundations.  It  was 
too  heavy,  and  he  let  go  in  despair.  But  to  leave  his  tail 
for  a  moment  and  return  to  my  narrative. 

We  finally  got  ashore,  Jocko  clinging  to  me  more  closely 
than  a  brother ;  a  carriage  was  chartered,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  we  were  safely  housed  within  one  of  the  leading 
hotels.  "Entertainment  for  man  and  beast"  did  not  appear 
upon  the  sign  of  the  caravansarj',  but  in  this  case  it  was 
forthcoming.  Jocko  Avas  turned  over  to  the  tender  mercies 
of  the  freedmen  connected  with  that  great  bureau,  and  among 
them  he  seemed  to  feel  i^erfectly  at  home.  Indeed,  he  made 
himself  so  much  at  home  that  he  hesitated  not  at  all  in  insert- 
ing his  teeth  into  a  convenient  leg  or  arm,  and  numerous 
complaints  came  to  me  of  his  conduct.  I  always  made 
answer  tliat  they  must  not  tease  him;  for  it  is  a  pleasant 
fiction  to  suppose  that  no  animal  will  bite  or  scratch  unless 
provoked  to  such  unbecoming  violence  by  unkind  treatment. 
For  all  that,  however,  I  don't  know  tliat  I  sliould  like  to 
caress  one  of  those  Imge  turtles  which  are  found  in  the 
vicinity  of  the  Galapagos  Islands,  or  have  the  care  of  a 
wild-cat. 

On  one  occasion  Jocko  tore  up  an  overcoat  l)clonging 
to  one  of  the  porters.  I  have  no  doubt  but  the  man 
had  poked  sticks  at  the  monkey  a  day  or  two  before,  and 
that  this  was  merely  one  of  those  astonishing  cases  of  in- 


496  JOCKO  AS  A  TRAVELER  BY  RAIL. 

stinct  and  revenge  which  are  occasionally  to  be  met  with  in 
natural  histories  ;  but  notwithstanding,  1  had  to  paj  for  the 
coat.  1  regret  to  record  the  fact,  but  there  seemed  to  be  quite 
a  feeling  of  relief  among  the  freedmen  and  our  fellow-board- 
ers when  m^'self  and  the  monkej^  took  our  departure. 

The  journey  to  the  country  home  which  was  to  be  the 
future  scene  of  Jocko's  life  and  usefulness  was  not  per- 
formed without  many  trials  on  my  part.  He  persisted  in 
viewing  everyone  who  approached  as  an  enemy,  and 
scolded  at  the  audiences  which  congregated  round  us  in  a  way 
that  was  perfectly  deafening.  And  his  disregard  for  the 
rights  of  property  was  perfectly  startling  in  its  propor- 
tions. 

A  clergyman,  I  remember,  who  sat  in  front  of  us,  had 
opened  a  nice  lunch-basket,  and  was  regaling  himself  and 
little  boy  with  the  cakes,  provided  probably  by  a  careful 
wife  and  mother.  Jocko,  without  the  least  warning  of  his 
intention,  reached  over  and  snatched  the  whole  affair  from 
the  old  gentleman's  lap,  instantly  and  almost  simultane- 
ously swinging  himself  to  the  rack  intended  for  the  re- 
ception of  hats  and  umbrellas.  In  that  stronghold  he  in- 
trenched himself,  by  the  aid  of  that  wonderful  tendril  of  a 
tail,  refusing  to  be  dragged  forth,  scolding  and  chattering 
like  one  possessed  when  a  restitution  of  the  plunder  was 
peremptorily  demanded. 

It  was  at  one  of  the  stations  where  we  changed  cars  that 
he  made  his  first  acquaintance  with  the  great  principle  of 
caloric,  as  practically  illustrated  and  set  forth  in  a  hot  stove. 
Down  on  the  Isthmus  stoves  are  not  in  very  general  use, 
especially  in  the  summer  season,  and  at  the  hotel,  owing  to 
that  unfortunate  prejudice  against  color  which  some  land- 
lords entertain,  he  was  put  into  a  room  without  a  fire.  This 
morning  it  was  biting  cold,  and  there  was  a  glowing  fire  in 
the  station-house  stove.  The  warmth  was  grateful  to  Jocko, 
and  ho  cuddled  up  within  its  radiations.  Being  of  an  essential- 
ly investigating  turn  of  mind,  he  was  not  willing  to  accept  a 
good  without  understanding  it ;  and  so  put  forth  his  hand  to 


.luiKo's  ItAII)  ii\    iiii-;  |'a:;v(i\. 


JOCKO  AND  THE  STOVE.  497 

feel  the  stove.  He  gave  a  short,  sharp  cry  of  pain  and  as- 
tonishment, looking  first  at  his  hand,  then  at  me,  and  then 
at  the  stove  for  an  explanation  of  the  phenomenon.  Neither 
myself  nor  the  stove  responded.  Being  but  a  child  of  the 
forest,  the  saying  about  a  burnt  child  and  the  fire  originally 
failed  of  exemplification  in  his  case.  He  put  out  his  hand 
again  and  patted  the  stove,  as  though  he  would  disarm  it 
of  will  to  hurt  by  a  caress.  One  howl  and  there  was  an 
end  of  all  experiments ;  Jocko  was  satisfied.  And  I  thought 
to  myself  how  much  better  it  would  have  been  for  him  had 
he  been  satisfied  before. 

Are  there  not  many  sweet  influences  in  life  which  it  is 
better  to  accept  and  be  thankful  for  than  attempt  to  grasp 
and  analyze  ?  On  leaving,  however,  Jocko  was  reluctant  to 
come  with  me,  and  on  my  attempting  to  drag  him  he  as 
usual  lashed  out  with  his  tail,  and  the  stove  being  handy, 
selected  that  as  his  piece  de  resistance.  You  may  be  sure 
that  he  did  not  hold  to  it  long,  and  this,  as  I  have  already 
remarked,  furnishes  the  only  instance  in  which  I  ever 
knew  him  to  be  thoroughly  beaten  and  baflled  in  his  great 
caudal  trick. 

Finally  our  destination  was  reached.  The  family  rushed 
to  the  door  to  embrace  the  returned  one.  But  Jocko  was 
before  them.  Alarmed  at  the  sudden  demonstration  and  the 
shouts  of  welcome,  he  sprang  upon  my  shoulder,  curled  his 
tail  round  my  neck,  and  set  up  a  series  of  most  discordant 
screams.  It  was  impossible  to  dislodge  him.  Very  few 
embraces  fell  to  my  lot,  with  Jocko  thus  claiming  his  full 
share  of  the  endearments. 

The  paroquets  which  1  brought  home  going  to  Fanny, 
the  monkey,  as  a  matter  of  course,  fell  to  AVillie.  Frankly 
let  me  confess  that  Jocko's  debut  in  Falscfield  created  de- 
cidedly more  sensation  than  did  mine.  Numerous  calls  came 
from  both  old  and  young,  professedly  upon  me,  but  such 
speedy  inquiries  were  made  for  the  monkey  that  1  very  soon 
regretted  having  brought  such  a  rival  in  popularity  to  the 
village.  1  "  had  him  "  (the  phrase  is  almost  a  classic  one) 
32 


498  JOCKO'S  EGG  TRICBL 

on  wealth,  good  clothes,  and  slightly  on  good  looks,  I  flatter 
m^'self,  but  he  had  the  great  advantage  of  novelty.  One 
young  lady  kissed  him  and  called  him  a  "  svs^eet  creature," 
No  such  pleasant  experience  fell  to  my  lot.  Some  ragged 
shreds  of  his  halo,  however,  fell  upon  me,  for  was  1  not 
his  showman  ? 

The  great  card  was  to  show  him  eating  an  egg.  This 
he  took  in  his  hand,  biting  ofi*  one  end  in  his  mouth  and 
smoothing  the  edges  till  he  had  a  perfect  cup.  He  would 
then  put  it  to  his  mouth  and  drink  off  the  yellow  lees  as 
though  it  were  the  wine  of  life,  and  he  were  privileged  by 
letters  patent  to  quaff  the  draught.  Disturb  him  as  you 
would,  chase  him  even  to  the  eaves  of  the  barn,  and  still 
he  carried  that  royal  cup  in  his  hand,  never  spilling  or 
wasting  a  drop.  There  was  a  great  demand  for  this  ex- 
hibition, but  eggs  being  scarce  and  high,  the  head  of  the 
family  put  in  a  mild  inhibition,  and  it  was  not  often 
given,  being  reserved  for  special  and  great  occasions. 
With  the  manner  in  which  Jocko  got  up  a  show-piece  with 
birds'  eggs  the  reader  has  already  been  made  familiar.  His 
fondness  for  eggs  gave  me  a  chance  at  a  hon  mot  which  got 
to  be  a  great  favorite  of  mine  after  a  month  or  two. 

The  question  was  asked,  "What  is  his  diet  ?" 

"Oh  !  various"  I  replied  with  pei-fect  composure,  and  by 
and  by  folks  came  to  understand  the  joke. 

A  pole  some  twenty  feet  high  was  finally  stuck  in  the 
ground,  with  a  sliding  ring  on  it,  to  which  Jocko  was  se- 
cured by  a  chain.  A  rope  or  a  leather  string  proved  use- 
less to  confine  him,  as  he  would  cut  through  either  with 
almost  a  single  snip  of  his  teeth.  At  the  base  of  the  pole 
was  a  neat  little  cottage,  comfortably  bedded  down  with 
straw,  and  at  the  top  was  a  sizable  truck,  made  from  the 
head  of  an  oyster  keg.  Jocko  had  a  choice  of  am.usement^. 
He  could  either  sit  in  his  house  and  indulge  in  reminiscences 
of  the  past,  or  he  could  climb  to  the  top  of  the  pole  and 
busy  himself  with  the  present.  It  was  indeed  a  sight  to  see 
him  seated  on  that  royal  truck,  contemplating  the  surroand- 


JOCKO  AS  DIOGENES.  499 

ing  scenery  and  smoothing  the  kinks  ont  of  his  tail.  He 
had  the  air  of  an  astronomer  looking  out  for  a  meteoric  shower, 
or  endeavoring  to  discover  some  planet  wliich  Herschel  had 
overlooked.  Down  below,  seated  in  the  door  of  his  house, 
60  cynical  was  his  whole  air,  that  he  strongly  reminded  me  of 
Diogenes  in  his  tub.  Like  Diogenes,  too.  Jocko  fairly  re- 
fused to  believe  in  honest  men.  He  was  suspicious  of  all 
about  the  premises,  and  never  tasted  food  without  smelling 
to  see  if  it  were  poisoned.  It  was  strange  to  me  that  with 
all  his  sagacity  he  did  not  press  the  cat  into  his  service  as 
cup-bearer  or  king's  taster.  His  keen,  quick  eye  was  never 
still,  and  his  wrinkled  face  might  be  seen  popping  out  of 
doors  if  a  step  was  heard  advancing  toward  his  dormitory. 
Of  the  horse,  "  Old  Mike,"  he  entertained  a  comical  horror, 
and  if  at  any  time  he  refused  to  climb  for  the  benefit  of 
guests,  it  was  only  necessary  to  open  the  stable  door  and  let 
Mike  put  out  his  head,  to  send  him  hand  over  hand  up  the 
pole,  like  a  sailor  mounting  the  main-top  gallant  mast  of  a 
man-of-war. 

The  Canucks  of  the  village  took  a  special  interest  in  him  ; 
and  one  day  Willie  received  a  note  making  some  inquiries 
about  the  singe.  He  knew  by  internal  evidence  it  referred 
to  the  monkey ;  but  his  lessons  in  French  had  been  few, 
and  the  singe  troubled  and  puzzled  him.  On  finding  out  that 
it  meant  monkey,  he  traced  the  derivation  of  the  word  to 
something  connected  with  a  singed  cat,  and  I  am  not 
sure  but  the  boy  was  correct  in  his  theory,  since  in  many 
respects  Jocko  resembled  the  creature  which  has  become 
a  metaphor. 

Fannie  refused  to  join  the  train  of  Jocko's  admirers.  Be- 
sides destroying  her  birds'  nests  and  eating  the  eggs,  he 
pulled  out  what  little  tails  her  rabbits  had,  and  this  she  did 
not  like  at  all.  One  day,  too,  he  made  a  rush  at  her  kitten, 
and  nearly  tore  the  little  thing's  scalp  off  in  an  attempt 
to  solve  the  mystery  of  its  ears.  The  idea  of  husk- 
ing a  kitten's  ears,  as  one  might  ears  of  corn,  did  not 
strike  Fannie  so  comically  as  it  did   others,  and  her  com- 


500  NOT  A  FAVORITE  WITH  FANNIE. 

plaints  were  loud  and  many.  She  liked  the  bird  I  brought 
her  better ;  but  still  her  sympathy  did  not  much  incline  to 
foreign  pets,  and  to  have  heard  that  the  monkey  had  calmly 
and  peacefully  died  of  a  fit  of  indigestion,  consequent  upon 
having  eaten  the  parrot,  would  have  filled  her  cup  of  happi- 
ness to  overflowing,  I  think. 

I  rejoice  to  say,  that  as  time  wore  on  Jocko  improved  in  tem- 
per and  habits,  and  promised  at  some  day  to  become  quite  an 
ornament  to  society.  He  developed  a  degree  of  intelligence 
which  was  really  surprising.  One  day,  after  I  had  whip- 
ped him  for  some  outrageous  misdemeanor,  and  was  leading 
him  to  serve  out  a  sentence  of  solitary  confinement  in  the 
barn,  he  climbed  to  my  hand  by  his  chain,  seized  the  switch 
which  I  was  carrying,  and  threw  it  far  away.  At  times  so 
human  was  the  expression  of  his  face  that  I  could  scarcely 
believe  but  it  was  a  little  wrinkled  old  man.  If  a  switch 
was  raised  to  punish  him,  down  he  would  lie;  and 
raising  his  hands  in  the  most  supplicating  way,  beg  for 
mercy  as  intelligibly  as  any  human  being  could  have  done. 
Yery  often  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  the  Africans  who 
claim  that  the  monkey  only  refrains  from  speech  through 
fear  that  he  would  be  set  to  work  if  he  betrayed  his 
possession  of  the  gift,  are  not  so  far  out  in  their  theory 
after  all. 

But  cold  weather  came  on  apace,  and  then  what  to  do  with 
Jocko  became  a  serious  question.  The  barn  was  not  warm 
enough  for  him,  and  he  would  scarcely  be  "  a  good  thing  to 
have  in  the  house."  After  much  cogitation,  I  determined 
to  ship  him  down  to  Barnum.  In  the  great  Museum,  with 
all  its  wonders  of  vegetable  and  animal  life,  he  might  fancy 
himself  in  his  own  isthmus  forests.  There  were  the  Giant 
and  the  Dwarf,  types  respectively  of  a  higher  and  a  lower 
life  ;  the  Albino  woman,  looking  not  unlike  a  female  Chim- 
panzee ;  the  Fat  Boy,  pufiing  and  blowing  like  a  river  hip- 
popotamus ;  and  the  Lightning  Calculator,  who  would  an-" 
swer  admirably  for  any  kind  of  a  bore — constrictive  or  other- 
wise.    "Was  there  not,  too,  the  Happy  Family,  and  why 


"  SEND  HIM  TO  GREENWOOD."  501 

should  not  Jocko  join  it  ?  True,  he  was  by  no  means  of  a 
happy  disposition  naturally,  but  so  much  the  more  reason  for 
giving  him  cheerful  domestic  surroundings.  I  bethought 
me  of  the  "  pleasant  family  "  that  every  now  and  then  ad- 
vertises to  board  one  or  two  young  gentlemen,  giving  them 
"  the  comforts  of  a  home  ;"  and  though  I  had  never  availed 
myself  of  any  of  these  opportunities,  there  was  no  reason 
why  Jocko  should  not.     So  to  Barnum  I  wrote. 

He  curtly  replied,  "  Send  him  to  Greenwood."  Surely 
there  is  some  mistake,  said  I ;  they  think  I  come  to  bury 
Jocko,  not  to  praise  him  ;  and  I  wrote  again.  Answer  came 
that  Greenwood  was  the  managing  man  of  the  Museum,  and 
that  the  cemetery  was  not  meant.  Very  soon,  thereafter,  a 
box  was  made,  and  in  it  Jocko  was  shipped,  by  express,  duly 
provisioned  for  the  voyage,  and  legibly  labeled,  "  This  side 
up  with  care." 

"  Send  him  to  Greenwood  !"  Strange  that  my  foreboding 
Boul  had  not  recognized  the  omen ! 

On  coming  down  to  the  city  a  few  weeks  afterwards, 
my  first  visit  was  to  the  Museum.  I  expected  to  hear  that 
the  last  addition  had  strangled  the  happy  cat,  bitten  the 
happy  little  dog's  nose  off,  and  devoured  two  or  three  of  the 
happy  hens.  But  no  :  no  such  report  met  me.  His  behavior 
had  been  good  in  the  main,  though  the  keeper  did  not  think 
he  was  quite  as  fond  of  gayety  and  gynmastics  as  some  mon- 
keys he  had  seen.  I  visited  that  third  floor — easily  trace- 
able by  its  smells — where  the  Happy  Family  had  its  abiding- 
place.  Sure  enough,  there  sat  Jocko,  but  a  more  unhappy- 
looking  fellow  never  saw  I.  He  was  perched  up  most  un- 
socially  by  himself,  holding  no  communion  with  his  kind, 
and  in  no  way  manifesting  any  interest  in  the  abounding 
happiness  which  surrounded  hiui. 

The  beatific  monkeys  of  this  blessed  family  swung  them- 
selves by  their  beatific  tails,  and  rolled  themselves  and  their 
echoes  from  pole  to  pole  of  the  cage  ;  the  beatific  cock 
crowed,  and  the  beatific  owl  winked  its  wise  eyes,  but  no  at- 
tention to  any  of  them  paid  Jocko  dc  Banama.     In  memory 


502  JOCKO  JOINS  THE  HAPPY  FAMILY. 

I  still  see  that  grim  Saul  among  the  prophets,  hanging  silent 
and  solitary  as  Tara's  harp,  upon  those  happy  walls.  I 
spoke  to  him,  but — strange  commentary  on  the  affection  of 
animals — he  evidently  knew  me  not.  His  eye  did  not 
brighten  at  sound  of  either  my  step  or  my  voice.  In  my 
most  winning  way  spoke  I  to  him  again,  but  again  there 
was  no  sign  of  recognition.  He  scratched  himself,  but  made 
no  sign.  The  keeper  said  he  was  sick,  but  would  be  well  in. 
a  day  or  two.  I  asked  what  ailed  him,  and  the  reply  was, 
"  A  little  cough."  Little  cough,  indeed !  it  is  so  that  all 
anxious  friends  of  a  patient  are  cheated.  Once  or  twice 
Jocko  coughed,  and  I  noticed  that  the  sound  was  hollow  as 
though  it  came  from  a  sepulchre.  There  was  a  narrowness 
about  his  shoulders  too,  and  he  sat  in  a  stooping  attitude, 
looking  more  like  a  wrinkled  little  old  man  than  ever.  But 
there  was  no  hectic  flush  upon  his  cheek  to  speak  of  con- 
sumption, nor  did  I  then  know  that  the  disease  is  one  to 
which  his  transplanted  race  is  subject,  though  I  have  since 
been  told  that  it  works  fearful  ravages  among  monkeys  in 
this  northern  climate.  With  an  adjuration  to  the  keeper  to 
be  kind  to  my  old  pet,  and  a  small  gratuity  to  insure  such  a 
result,  I  took  my  leave,  promising  to  look  in  again  in  a 
few  days. 

Alas !  when  I  again  looked  in.  Jocko  had  stepped  out : 
the  Happy  Family  was  destitute  of  its  unhappy  member.  On 
inquiring  for  him  I  was  answered  only  by  the  monosylla- 
ble, "  Dead !"  The  particulars  of  his  death  which  I  was  en- 
abled to  ascertain  were  very  vague  and  meagre  indeed.  Cod- 
liver  oil  was  given  him,  but  I've  an  idea  that  he  did  not  take 
kindly  to  it.  Had  eggs  been  good  for  the  consumption, 
there  would  have  been  no  difficulty  in  persuading  him  to 
take  medicine,  but  oil  was  another  thing.  "  His  decline  was 
very  rapid,  indeed,"  so  said  the  keeper.  And  I  do  not 
doubt  that  he  spoke  the  words  of  truth  ;  for  it  had  been 
whispered  to  me  by  an  attache  of  the  establishment  that  when 
a  bird  or  beast  was  pronounced  incurable,  whether  the  com- 
plaint were  consumption  dropsy,  trichina  or  what  not,  it  was 


JOCKO'S  UNHAPPY   DEMISE.  503 

forthwith   taken   out   from    its    cage    and   knocked  on  the 
head. 

I  do  not  know  that  I  am  so  sorry  for  Jocko's  fate  as  I 
should  liave  been  had  ho  enjoyed  life  more.  But,  like  King 
Felix,  I  fear  he  was  only  destined  to  ring  the  "  happy  bell" 
in  death;  and  I  have  sometimes  thought  that  the  happi- 
ness around  him  had  quite  as  much  to  do  with  doing  him 
to  death  as  any  pulmonary  complaint.  For  poor  Mr.  Bar- 
num,  who  scarcely  had  time  to  get  his  money  back,  I  had 
some  sympathy ;  but,  after  all,  I  do  not  think  he  suffered 
from  this  death  what  might  have  been  called  a  dead  loss,  for 
unless  my  eyes  deceived  me  I  saw  that  same  monkey  stuffed 
and  doing  duty  as  a  very  respectable  mermaid  a  few 
days  after.  Knowing  that  some  use  would  be  made  of  his 
skin,  I  made  no  application  for  the  body  at  the  time.  But 
depend  upon  it,  that  on  the  green  banks  of  Lake  Champlain 
&  cenotaph  shall  be  erected.  And  on  a  palm-leaf,  sculptured 
above  the  monumental  mound,  shall  be  written  : — 

TO    THE    MEMORY 
OF 

JOCKO  DE  PANAMA, 

whose  premature  decease  was  occasioned  by 

the  rigors  of  a  northern  climate, 

and  too  much 

Happiness  in  one  Family. 

"AfUr  life's  fitful  fever  he  sleeps  v>ell." 


CHAPTER  LXVIII. 

THE   LAST   OF   MY   PANAMA   PETS. 

HOW  it  may  be  with  others,  I  know  not,  but  with  me  the 
Dear  Gazelle  principle  runs  all  through  life.  My  friends 
either  fade  or  fail.  With  trees  or  flowers,  I  never  tried  any 
experiments ;  but  it  is  certain  that  I  never  loved  a  pretty 
girl,  and  wrote  sonnets  to  her  soft,  black  eye,  but  when  she 
came  to  know  me  well,  she  was  sure  to  either  move  away,  or 
— worse  still — marry  some  one  else  in  the  immediate  neigh- 
borhood. So  disastrous  do  my  affections  prove  to  their 
objects  that  I  now  feel  a  certain  delicacy  about  fixing  them 
on  goods,  wet  or  dry,  of  a  perishable  character. 

When  I  lived  in  the  land  of  gold  I  never  managed  to 
secure  more  than  a  ton  or  two.  The  most  promising  mine 
petered  out  if  I  invested  in  it.  At  last  things  reached  such 
a  pitch  that  owners  of  quartz-ledges  would  not  sell  me  stock 
on  any  terms — not  even  on  sixty  days.  When  it  rained,  my 
dish  was  by  no  means  upside  down — I  always  attended  to 
that — but  some  way  it  never  would  hold  water. 

Making  up  my  mind  that  there  was  no  use  staying  in  a 
land  of  gold,  I  took  passage  for  home.  Crossing  the  Isth- 
mus of  Panama  I  felt  the  need  of  companionship,  and  it 
occurred  to  me  that  I'd  better  buy  a  bird.  After  casting 
about  for  some  time,  and  cheapening  and  chaffering  like  a 
Chatham  Street  Jew,  I  finally  succeeded  in  purchasing  a 
couple  of  paroquets — at  a  higher  price,  I  flatter  myself,  than 
any  other  pair  were  sold  that  day,  or  will  be  for  many  a  day 
to  come.  For  the  birds,  and  the  cage,  I  paid  five  dollars  in 
gold.  The  cage  was  of  bamboo,  but  I  did  not  fully  realize 
how  thoroughly  I  had  been  bamboozled,  until  I  saw  two 


THE  PASSENGER  BIRDS  EMBARK.  605 

pairs  in  a  magnificent  tin  cage,  sold  to  a  gentleman  on  a 
neighboring  seat  for  one  dollar  and  a  half.  Why  this  differ- 
ence in  price  I  did  not  then  know,  nor  do  I  now  clearly 
nnderstand.  My  birds  may  have  been  better  for  eating,  but, 
so  far  as  looks  and  behavior  are  concerned,  there  is  every 
reason  to  believe  that  my  neighbor's  purchase  was  just  as 
good  as  mine. 

My  paroquets  were  a  sad  trouble  to  me,  crossing  the  Isth- 
mus. They  conducted  themselves  much  like  young  girls  at 
concerts  and  singing-schools,  seeming  to  have  no  idea  at  all  of 
the  proprieties  of  life.  All  things,  however,  have  an  end, 
even  performances  on  the  piano  by  indifferent  players  ;  and, 
in  course  of  time — a  course  nearly  as  long  as  PoUok's,  and 
quite  as  tedious — the  Isthmus  was  crossed. 

Then  we  embarked.  On  the  steamships  they  have  a  rule 
that  no  pets  shall  be  allowed  in  the  cabins  and  state-rooms. 
This  edict  is  promulgated,  I  fancy,  for  the  benefit  of  the 
porters,  who  make  very  handsome  perquisites  from  the  par- 
rots and  monkeys  which  the  passengers  are  thus  compelled 
to  intrust  to  their  care.  However,  I  managed  to  evade  the 
rule,  and  smuggled  my  birds,  cage  and  all,  into  my  state- 
room. 

But  we  had  more  fun  over  a  bird  that  wasn't  brought 
aboard  than  over  any  that  was.  An  Englishman  fresh  from 
the  colonies  bought  a  very  small  bird,  scarcely  the  size  of  a 
tomtit,  at  the  Isthmus.  He  purchased  a  cage  nearly  as  large 
as  a  hen-coop,  and  put  the  bird  in  at  the  door.  I  have  an 
idea  that  originally  the  cage  was  intended  for  a  turkey-buz- 
zard. On  being  put  in  at  the  door  on  one  side,  the  little 
bird  very  sensibly  walked  out  between  the  slats  on  the  other. 
All  unknowing  of  the  escape  that  had  been  made,  the  Eng- 
lishman brought  the  cage  on  board  the  ship.  At  supper- 
time  he  stufled  enough  yams  and  potatoes  in  it  to  feed  an 
ox,  and  set  a  small  bucket  of  water  down  by  the  door.  At 
night  he  took  the  cage  into  his  state-room,  and  liung  a 
blanket  over  it.  In  the  morning  he  brought  it  out  and  aired 
it      Thinking  to  amuse  himself  with  the  captive,  he  chirruped 


506  ^  BIRD  PASSENGER  SICKENS. 

at  the  door  and  thrust  in  his  finger,  but  no  bird  perched 
thereon.  The  look  of  blank  amazement  on  his  face  when, 
after  peering  in  every  corner  of  the  cage — he  was  very  near- 
sighted and  used  eye-glasses — he  found  no  bird  there,  was 
comical  indeed. 

My  birds,  being  the  only  ones  allowed  about  the  after-deck, 
attracted  much  attention.  But  on  all  sides  I  was  warned  of 
the  folly  of  attempting  to  bring  them  North.  The  oldest 
passenger  —  corresponding  to  the  "oldest  inhabitant"  so 
familiar  to  the  shore — stated  that  they  very  rarely  lived 
through  the  voyage  ;  the  cold  winds,  the  change  of  climate 
and  of  food,  the  salt  air,  the  motion  of  the  vessel,  their 
own  tenderness  of  constitution — each  and  all  of  these 
malign  influences  and  natural  drawbacks  were  adduced  as 
reason  for  the  certain  demise  of  my  pets.  But  I  had  deter- 
mined, whatever  their  inborn  habits  and  instincts  might  be, 
to  make  them  "  birds  of  passage,"  and  so  persevered  to  the 
end. 

Part  of  the  oldest  passenger's  prophecy  came  true  enough 
— one  died.  It  was  the  female  bird,  and  would  have  been  the 
mother  of  the  brood — had  there  been  a  brood.  I  noticed 
symptoms  of  sickness  on  her  part  soon  after  leaving  port. 
The  color  of  her  bill  underwent  a  sea-change ;  from  a  beauti- 
ful pink  it  turned  an  unhealthy  yellow,  soon  fading  to  a  spec- 
tral white ;  her  feet  also  paled  and  bleached  out  until  the 
little  claws  looked  like  skeleton  hands,  and  I  have  no  doubt 
the  pulse  was  slow  and  feeble,  though  all  my  efforts  to  find 
it  proved  unavailing.  Her  feathers  became  rough  ;  she  no 
longer  combed  her  back  hair  of  mornings  with  her  claws  and 
dressed  her  side-curls  with  her  beak ;  her  eyes  looked  jaun- 
diced and  dull ;  she  was  drowsy  all  the  day  through,  and  sat 
with  head  perched  on  breast,  indifiierent  to  food  and  inat- 
tentive to  the  performances  of  the  steamer's  brass  band — 
which  latter  might  almost  have  startled  the  dead. 

I  did  all  for  the  sick  bird  that  could  be  done — perhaps 
more  tlian  ought  to  have  been  done — trying  various  reme- 
dies.    The  last  was  olive-oil,  suggested  by  a  gentleman  who 


THE  SICK  BIRD  DIES.  507 

claimed  to  know  all  about  paroquets.  I  believed  he  did 
from  the  fact  that  he  knew  nothing  about  anything  else. 
The  steward  brought  me  a  cruet  of  oil  from  one  of  the  cas- 
ters, and  of  that  gentle  aperient  I  administered  to  my 
patient  one  table-spoonful,  as  directed.  The  consequence 
was  that  she  died  in  one  minute,  as  had  not  been  suggested. 

The  oil  was  slightly  rancid,  I  fear,  and  ill-calculated  for 
medicinal  purposes.  But  it  cannot  be  said  that  she  died 
without  "  extreme  unction."  A  lady  friend  of  mine  and  the 
birds,  sewed  the  little  thing  up  in  a  shroud  made  of  a  tiny 
kid  glove,  a  pistol-bullet  was  tied  to  her  feet,  and  over 
the  side  we  launched  her — a  victim  to  the  climate  and 
empirics. 

I  would  like  to  chronicle  that  the  poor  bird's  mate  pined 
himself  to  death,  but  truth  compels  me,  in  the  very  teeth  of 
romance  and  tender  tradition,  to  declare  that  he  did  quite  as 
well  afterwards  as  could  be  expected — better,  in  fact ;  seem- 
ing decidedly  to  enjoy  having  all  the  cage  to  himself.  He 
hopped  around  livelier  than  ever,  and  paid  more  attention  to 
his  dress  than  formerly.  With  the  water-cup  for  a  mirror, 
he  would  prank  and  prink  himself  up  of  mornings  as  though 
he  intended  making  early  calls.  I  have  seen  widowers  con- 
ducting themselves  similarly  before  the  first  grass  had 
sprouted  above  the  grave  of  the  "late  lamented,"  etc. 

The  idea  that  he  was  hiding  his  grief  by  an  outward  show 
of  jollity,  and  secretly  pining  away  at  heart,  does  not  seem 
reasonable  to  me;  for  affliction  and  appetite  seldom  find 
lodgment  in  the  same  breast.  Indeed,  I  am  somewhat  sus- 
picious that  he  had  something  to  do  with  the  death  of  his 
spouse,  for,  under  the  pretence  of  caressing  her,  he  used  to 
give  her  sharp  dabs  with  his  beak,  and  her  feathers  were  few 
when  she  died.  I  am  too  familiar  with  married  life  under 
certain  phases  and  conditions  to  be  misled  by  caresses  which, 
in  fact,  are  kicks  and  pinches,  and  especially  I'm  not  to  bo 
"fooled"  by  birds. 

"Laurita" — the  old  gentleman  who  claimed  to  know  all 
about  birds,  and    recommended  olive-oil,  so  christened  the 


508  "  LAURITA  "  WITH  THE  RHEUMATISM. 

survivor,  asserting  that  it  was  the  Spanish  name  for  all  paro- 
quets— throve  like  a  green  bay-tree ;  wild  as  a  hawk,  and  full 
of  health  and  strength,  he  would  scream  as  he  swung  on  his 
hoop,  and  chatter  to  himself  all  the  day  and  half  the  night 
through,  till  it  seemed  that  nothing,  not  even  olive-oil,  could 
shatter  so  splendid  a  constitution.  And  he  reached  port  in 
safety. 

It  was  May,  the  middle  of  May,  the  month  when  flowers 
are  supposed  to  be  in  blossom ;  and  in  view  of  the  ethereal 
mildness  attributed  to  the  season  I  put  on  thin  clothes  and 
the  bird  molted.  We  both  caught  rheumatism  in  conse- 
quence, and  lay  on  our  backs  for  a  fortnight.  I  got  up  after 
a  while,  but  there  seemed  no  probability  of  the  bird's  recov- 
ering. His  legs  were  doubled  and  twisted  up  like  grape- 
vine tendrils ;  as  he  was  not  able  to  sit  on  his  perch,  I  had  a 
bed  of  cotton-wool  spread  for  him  at  the  bottom  of  his  cage, 
and  there  the  poor  thing  lay,  incapable  even  of  rolling  him- 
self over.  I  had  to  turn  him  like  a  slap-jack.  But  he  was 
a  fellow  of  exceeding  pluck,  and  seemed  resolved  never  to 
say  die.  Approach  him  with  your  finger,  and  he  would  peck 
it  as  vigorously  as  ever,  rejecting  all  offers  of  sympathy,  and 
evincing  a  determination  to  go  down,  if  go  he  must,  with 
colors  and  claws  defiantly  flying. 

After  trying  various  liniments  without  any  apparent  good 
effect,  I  took  him  in  my  hand  one  day  and  carried  him  to  a 
bird-doctor  to  inquire  what  could  be  done  for  his  restoration. 
The  man  shook  his  head  deprecatingly,  and  said  that  nothing 
could  be  done  beyond  putting  the  poor  thing  out  of  pain. 
It  had  cramps,  he  explained,  and  they  were  invariably  fatal. 
Paroquets  were  too  tender  to  endure  a  northern  climate — 
even  in  spring;  they  were  sure  to  have  such  attacks,  and 
never  recovered  from  them.  And  he  kindly  volunteered  to  kill 
and  stuff  my  pet  for  me,  at  a  less  price  than  I  could  get  as 
good  work  done  at  any  other  establishment  in  the  city. 

I  rejected  the  proposition  with  horror,  for  as  long  as  there 
is  life  there  is  hope,  even  for  a  bird ;  and  that  afternoon  I 
started  for  the  country.     (When  I  can't  think  of  anything 


"  LAURITA  "  BECOMES  A  WATER  FOWL.  509 

else  to  do  I  always  start  for  the  country.)  I  had  noticed  that 
on  putting  the  bird  into  the  cage  again  he  seemed  much 
better,  and  his  legs  and  feet  were  not  quite  so  gnarled  and 
tangled  as  before.  This  good  result  I  attributed  not  so  much 
to  the  beneficial  effects  of  the  walk  as  to  the  warmth  of  my 
hand,  and  gathered  a  hint  from  it  which  I  afterwards  made 
available. 

The  family  at  home  were  very  much  interested  from  the 
first  in  this  sick  stranger — he  looked  so  disconsolate,  lying 
on  his  back,  his  claws  sticking  up  in  the  air  like  cock-robin's 
in  the  picture  representing  the  murder  done  on  that  inno- 
cent by  the  sparrow ;  besides,  he  had  such  a  foreign  air  about 
him,  such  a  savor  of  travel,  that  the  feminine  sympathies 
were  enlisted  in  his  favor  immediately. 

For  some  two  weeks  he  had  not  been  able  to  wash  himself, 
and  Fanny  at  once  suggested  that  he  must  have  a  bath.  A 
bath  is  her  sovereign  remedy  for  all  pains  and  aches  that 
come  to  her  pets,  and  she  had  already  drowned  one  rabbit, 
two  kittens,  and  a  guinea-pig.  I  offered  no  objections  to  the 
proposed  practice,  and  a  bowl  of  tepid  water  was  instantly 
prepared.  But  the  paroquet,  being  a  party  more  immedi- 
ately concerned,  did  not  take  things  so  quietly. 

"It  will  do  you  good,  poor  Birdy,"  said  Fanny ;  but  Birdy 
entertained  a  totally  different  opinion,  and  kicked  and  pecked 
and  screamed,  and  was  only  finally  plunged  head  and  tail 
under,  after  a  most  emphatic  protest. 

After  coming  out  of  his  porcelain  tub,  poor  Laurita  was  a 
sorry-looking  object  indeed,  and  of  this  he  seemed  conscious; 
for  he  dropped  his  tail  and  his  indignant  tone,  and  made  no 
further  demonstrations  of  pride.  After  having  his  feathers 
tenderly  dried,  he  was  hung  over  the  kitchen  stove,  from  a 
string  used  in  the  fall  for  drying  apples,  and  very  soon  no 
traces  of  moisture  were  visible  on  his  body.  lie  seemed  to 
feel  better  immediately  ;  liis  black  eyes  twinkled  as  tlicy  had 
not  done  for  days;  and  lie  opened  and  shut  both  them  and 
his  claws,  as  though  rejoicing  in  a  new  strength. 

That  evening,  Fanny  was  very  busy  with  needle  and  thread 


5J^0  "  LAURITA  "  PUT  INTO  DRAWERS. 

and  red  flannel.  So  many  other  objects  of  interest  were  on 
the  carpet  that  very  little  attention  was  paid  to  what  she  was 
doin<;;  but  the  next  morning  the  secret  was  out.  She  had 
made  a  pair  of  red  flannel  drawers  for  the  paroquet,  and 
they  were  tried  on  him  before  breakfast.  A  more  astonished 
bird  you  never  saw.  One  would  really  have  thought  that  he 
never  before  had  on  drawers — the  heathen !  He  pecked  at 
them,  evidently  under  the  impression  that  they  were  some- 
thing good  to  eat ;  indeed  they  made  his  feet  look  not  unlike 
red  berries.  By-and-by  he  became  used  to  the  integu- 
ments and  seemed  to  view  them  with  considerable  satisfac- 
tion. His  attempts  at  swallowing  them  ceased  as  soon 
he  discovered  that  they  were  saturated  with  somebody's  pain 
killer. 

Thenceforth  Fanny's  attentions  never  ceased  for  a  single 
moment.  For  something  more  than  a  week,  I  do  not  believe 
tliat  bird  had  a  dry  hour.  He  was  bathed  before  meals  and 
after,  early  in  the  morning  and  late  at  night.  No  restric- 
tions, however,  were  placed  on  his  diet;  he  was  allowed  to 
eat  everything ;  cake,  light  and  spongy,  flecked  with  raisins 
and  currents,  was  baked  especially  for  him.  Hickory  nuts 
were  cracked  and  the  delicate  white  meats  thrust  into  his 
bill — making  them  literally  "  forced  meats."  And  at  last  he 
came  to  enjoy  being  fussed  over  and  made  an  invalid  of 
60  much,  that  I  do  believe  he  was  rather  sorry  when  he  got 
well. 

His  convalescence  was  rapid.  After  once  recovering  suflS- 
ciently  to  cling  feebly  to  his  perch,  he  very  soon  got  strong 
and  steady  on  his  pins  as  a  feathered  cathedral ;  and  the  first 
use  of  his  recovered  feet  was  to  kick  and  tear  oflf  his  drawers, 
seeming  to  regard  them  as  a  badge  of  suffering  and  sickness. 
Or,  as  the  summer  was  advancing  M-ith  rapid  strides,  perhaps 
he  found  them  uncomfortably  warm. 

How  he  did  enjoy  that  summer !  Hung  out  on  the  ve- 
randa in  his  cage,  he  would  fairly  shriek  in  his  great  glee 
until  we  were  fain  to  stop  his  mouth  with  sugar.  He  never 
learned  to  talk,  in  spite  of  all  the  lessons  that  were  given 


LAURITA'S  AMUSEMENTS.  611 

him.  I  mean  he  never  learned  to  talk  intelligibly,  for, 
though  he  kept  up  an  incessant  chattering  to  himself,  no  one 
could  tell  what  he  was  saying.  But  he  developed  a  surpris- 
ing faculty  for  imitating  sounds.  It  was  rather  unfortunate, 
perhaps,  that  his  chief  talent  lay  in  the  reproduction  of  the 
most  discordant  noises  ;  the  clang  of  the  pump,  the  creaking 
of  a  cart,  the  stridulous  song  of  the  patent  self-acting  swing 
— all  these  awoke  his  throat  to  emulation,  and  not  one  of 
them  got  the  better  of  him.  Indeed,  he  rather  improved  on 
the  original  discords,  and  gave  us  the  shrillness  with  varia- 
tions. He  had  one  soft  note,  however,  the  most  charmingly 
melodious  whistle  ever  heard.  But,  strangely  enough,  when 
you  wished  him  to  pump  or  creak,  he'd  whistle  ;  and,  when 
you  wished  him  to  whistle,  he'd  clang  and  creak.  That  per- 
verse element  of  human  nature  was  not  wanting  in  his  breast. 
"Whistling  he  reserved  principally  for  his  own  amusement, 
when  no  audience  was  gathered  round ;  then,  swinging  in 
his  hoop,  he'd  whistle  for  hours.  Little  did  I  think  that  in 
his  case  alone  the  old  proverb  would  verify  itself,  and  that 
a  whistling  bird  would  come  to  a  bad  end,  while  many  a 
crowing  girl  lived  and  thrived  the  country  over. 

lie  was  always  crazy  to  be  taken  out  from  his  cage,  and 
put  up  in  the  vines,  and  among  the  apple-blooms.  With  the 
assistance  of  that  beak  of  his,  he  would  perform  the  most 
wonderful  and  funniest  gymnastics,  in  the  gravest  way. 
Kow  he  would  swing  by  it,  or  make  his  way  from  branch  to 
branch  by  its  aid,  somewhat  as  that  beauty  of  the  vermicu- 
lar creation,  the  measuring-worm,  progresses;  then,  again,  he 
would  hang  by  one  claw,  and  take  a  bird's-eye  view  of  things 
and  the  sky  from  that  most  unusual  position.  He  ate  neither 
leaves,  nor  applo-blooms,  nor  branches,  but  he  delighted  in 
pulling  them  to  pieces.  From  the  utter  recklessness  with 
which  he  ignored  his  inability  to  put  the  pieces  together 
again  you  might  have  thought  him  an  out-and-out  recon- 
structionist. 

Altogetlicr,   I  do  believe   he  enjoyed   himself,  and   was 
thoroughly  happy,  never  once  regretting  his  native  forests, 


512  THE  NEWS  OF  LAURITA'S  DEATH. 

nor  his  dead  and  ocean-buried  bride.  In  his  way  he  was  a 
philosopher,  and  the  carjpe  diem  idea  seemed  to  strike  him 
most  favorably.  He  belonged  to  the  nil  admirari  school, 
moreover ;  seeming  to  expect  everything,  and  be  surprised  at 
nothing,  and  accepting  events  as  they  developed  themselves 
with  a  perfect  indifference  to  causes,  remote  or  immediate.  I 
never  remember  to  have  seen  him  surprised  but  once ;  that 
was  when  the  bluebirds,  jealous  of  his  proximity  to  their 
nest,  made  a  raid  on  him.  Then  he  was  astonished,  dumb- 
founded, and  utterly  bewildered.  When  the  ill-tempered 
wings  came  flashing  around  him,  in  their  blueness  like  the 
best  tempered  Damascus  blades,  while  beaks  snipped  at  his 
eyes  like  scissors,  a  look  of  astonishment  did  indeed  wrinkle 
his  brow,  or  rather  his  beak,  and  he  opened  the  latter  in  a 
threatening  way  on  a  general  principle  of  combativeness, 
though  utterly  incapable  of  making  any  effectual  and  organ- 
ized resistance.  On  that  one  occasion,  especially  when  dashed 
from  my  finger  by  their  fierce  onslaught,  he  lost  his  compo- 
sure, as  well  as  his  balance,  but  never  lost  he  it  before,  nor 
afterwards. 

When  I  left  him  in  the  fall,  his  health,  general  and  par- 
ticular, seemed  excellent,  and  any  insurer  of  birds'  lives 
would  have  taken  a  risk  on  him  at  small  rates  against  any- 
thing but  cats.  He  seemed  determined  to  live  forever,  and 
I  had  commissioned  a  medical  friend,  plying  between  this 
port  and  Panama,  to  ship  me  a  wife  for  him,  when  the  warm 
suns  of  July  came  to  endow  the  experiment  with  a  proba- 
bility of  success.  But  as  the  winter  wore  on  one  sad  morn- 
ing's mail  brought  me  a  letter  from  Fanny,  containing  sad 
news.  I  give  it  in  her  own  words,  and  with  her  own  punc- 
tuation, for  I  never  take  liberties  with  authors — as  editors 
do  : — 

"  Poor  Laurita  is  dead,  he  seemed  perfectly  well  one  day,  I  found  him  with 
his  feet  all  curled  up  just  as  he  was  when  you  brought  him  here.  I  put  him  in 
a  warm  bath  and  held  in  my  hands  he  felt  better,  and  all  at  once  he  flew  out  of 
my  hand  to  the  floor  and  died.  We  miss  him  very  much,  he  was  so  happy 
that  he  always  was  whistUng,  I  think  he  died  of  too  much  happiness,  Uke  the 
monkey — good  bye." 


THE  FATE  OF  FAXXT'S  PETS.  513 

I  like  to  get  news  in  that  way ;  the  story  is  told  without 
adornments  or  circumlocution.  First,  we  are  made  to  under- 
stand in  one  short  incisive  sentence,  tliat  the  bird  is  dead  • 
then,  without  any  unnecessary  flourish  of  rhetorical  handker- 
chiefs or  torrents  of  that  twaddle  which  passes  on  paper  for 
tears,  we  have  the  facts  about  his  death,  and  the  particulars 
of  his  last  moments.  Yet  another  dispatch  from  home 
informed  me  that  Fanny  felt  the  loss  most  keenly,  and  came 
down  to  dinner  with  her  eyes  red  and  swollen  as  though  she 
had  been  weeping ;  and  looking  over  the  open  page  of  the 
letter,  in  which  the  calamity  was  so  simply  set  forth,  I  could 
discern  blots  on  the  paper,  all  too  pearly  to  have  been  made 
by  ink. 

Poor  Fanny ;  her  pets  seem  fated  as  well  as  mine.  One 
summer  she  had  a  rose,  a  rabbit,  a  kitten  and  a  great  ]^ew- 
foundland  dog.  The  rabbit  ate  the  rose,  the  kitten  ate  the 
rabbit,  the  dog  devoured  the  kitten,  and  it  only  remained  for 
a  bear  to  come  along  and  carr}^  off  the  dog,  to  make  her 
desolation  and  the  work  of  retribution  complete.  The  paro- 
quet was  a  sort  of  company  property  between  us,  and  finally 
it  went.  Ah,  well,  such  is  life — or  rather  such  is  death. 
Fann}'  must  learn  a  lesson  somewhat  earlier  in  life  than  it 
came  to  me,  and  school  herself  not  to  love  anything  that  is 
made  of  clay,  or  even  of  wood,  iron,  brass  or  german-silver ; 
since  all  such  toys  are  fated  to  go  to  pieces. 

From  the  symptoms  set  forth  in  the  letter,  I  fancy  our  bird 
died  of  cramps.  The  fairest  and  best  of  human  creatures  are 
subject  to  cramps,  and  should  not  be  loved  for  that  reason. 
It  rejoices  me  to  learn  that  a  warm  bath  was  administered 
promptly  to  the  sufferer,  for  j?^rsistency  is  no  less  a  jewel 
than  consistency,  especially  in  the  learned  professions,  and  to 
know  that  Dr.  Fanny  kept  her  practice  to  the  end  {i.  e.  the 
end  of  licr  patient)  convinces  me  of  the  certainty  of  her  suc- 
cess, if  she  pursues  the  course  of  study  I  have  majipcd  out 
for  her  and  finally  graduates  as  an  M.  D. 


33 


CHAPTEE  LXIX. 

CONCERNING    EABLY    RISING   AND    COUNTRY   LIFE. 

EARLY  rising  is  a  practice  based  not  so  miicli  upon  the 
example  of  the  lark  as  upon  the  reprehensible  habit  of 
the  goose.  The  lark  is  warm  and  snug  in  its  nest,  dreaming  of 
speckled  eggs  hidden  where  the  eye  of  no  truant  boy  can 
find  them,  while  the  other  fowl  is  standing  upon  one  leg  in 
the  early  morning  damps,  looking  as  cold  and  uncomfortable 
as  can  be.  The  lark  is  a  sensible  bird,  and  never  runs  the 
risk  of  catching  cold  by  standing  with  its  feet  in  the  wet 
grasses.  Immediately  on  getting  np  it  flies  to  the  most  con- 
venient fence  and  goes  to  sleep  again.  As  to  the  idea  that 
the  early  bird  catches  the  worm,  that  is  one  of  those  popular 
fallacies  which  originated  in  an  ignorant  age,  to  be  perpetua- 
ted under  the  guise  of  a  proverb  even  to  the  present  day  of 
enlightenment.  The  fact  of  the  matter  is,  the  early  bird 
doesn't  catch  anything  but  a  cold.  The  worm  never  wrig- 
gles out  of  his  hole  before  noon,  and  the  smartest  and  earliest 
bird  that  ever  was  known  can't  bring  him  to  the  scratch  before 
that  time.  The  worm  is  a  practical  housekeeper — keeping 
himself  in  his  house  as  long  as  possible — and  he  has  a  deal 
to  do  in  the  way  of  getting  breakfast  before  stirring  out  of 
mornings.  The  bird  that  brings  him  out  of  bed  before  he 
gets  ready  must  have  an  extremely  long  bill — and  even  then 
it  is  better  presented  after  dew. 

When  the  fires  of  youth  warmed  my  blood,  I  have  several 
times  committed  the  mistake  of  getting  up  early  in  the  morn- 
ing to  go  gunning  But  I  never  got  any  game  by  it.  The 
only  birds  that  were  uj)  that  early  were  up  trees.     Experience 

514 


THE  IMPOLICY  OF  EARLY  GETTING  UP.  515 

demonstrated  to  me  that  the  best  way  to  get  squirrels,  was  to 
go  out  in  the  middle  of  the  daj,  sit  down  under  a  tree  and 
pretend  not  to  be  looking  for  them.  They  were  sure  to  come 
and  chirrup  all  around  jou.  Later  in  life  I  found  that  girls 
could  be  caught  in  the  same  way.  Laziness  is  very  often  a 
better  policy  than  honesty.  Sit  under  a  tree,  for  instance, 
and  cherries  will  probably  drop  in  your  mouth — climb  for 
them,  and  the  chances  are  that  you  break  your  neck. 

Poor  Parepa,  who  now  has  another  morn  than  ours,  sang 
"  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning,"  very  sweetly.  And  she  did 
so  win  upon  the  popular  fancy  by  her  marvelous  voice  that 
all  the  country  over,  young  women  and  young  men  were 
getting  into  the  habit  of  turning  out  at  that  unreasonable 
hour,  until  I  wrote  the  following  sweet  and  expressive  verses 
to  show  them 

THE  ABSURDITY  OF  IT. 

It  is  all  very  well,  for  the  poets  to  tell, 

By  way  of  their  song  adorning, 
Of  milkmaids  who  rouse,  to  manipulate  cows, 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
And  of  moony  young  mowers  who  bundle  out  doors— 

The  charms  of  their  straw-beds  scorning — 
Before  break  of  day,  to  make  love  and  hay, 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning ! 

But,  between  me  and  you,  it  is  all  untrue — 

Believe  not  a  word  they  utter; 
To  no  milkmaid  alive  does  the  finger  of  Five 

Bring  beaux — or  even  bring  butter. 
The  poor  sleepy  cows,  if  told  to  arouse, 

Would  do  so,  perhaps,  in  ahorn-ing; 
But  the  sweet  country  girls,  would  they  show  their  curls 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning  ? 

It  may  not  be  wrong  for  the  man  in  the  song — 

Or  the  moon — if  anxious  to  settle. 
To  kneel  in  wet  grass,  and  jjoj),  but,  alas, 

What  if  he  popped  down  on  a  nettle? 
For  how  could  he  see,  what  was  under  his  knee, 

If,  in  spite  of  my  friendly  warning, 
He  went  out  of  bed  and  his  house  and  his  head. 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning  V 


516  A  RURAL  REMINISCENCE. 

It  is  all  very  well,  such  stories  to  tell. 

But  if  I  were  a  maid,  all  forlorn-ing, 
And  a  lover  should  drop,  in  the  clover,  to  pop, 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning ; 
If  I  liked  him,  you  see,  I'd  say,  "Please  call  at  Three;" 

If  not,  I'd  turn  on  him  with  scorning: 
"  Don't  come  here,  you  Flat,  with  conundrums  like  that, 

At  Five  o'clock  in  the  morning !" 

If  early  rising  be  pardonable  nnder  any-  circumstances,  it 
is  only  when  one  is  living  in  the  country,  and  the  fresh 
morning  air  woos  you  from  a  bed  none  of  the  softest.  Ah  ! 
the  dear,  delightful  country ;  it  was  there  I  first  met  the  first 
love,  of  whom  you  have  so  often  heard  me  speak.  Of  all 
times  can  I  ever  forget  that  time  ?  The  month  was  June, 
and  the  trees  were  in  blossom,  and  the  birds  were  in  the 
trees — and  what  with  stones  and  bows  and  arrows,  and  old 
shot  guns,  the  boys  about  the  village  made  the  trees  very 
warm  for  the  birds — and  the  lark  sung  early  in  the  morning, 
and  the  dairy-maid  sung  sweetly  as  she  deftly  made  the  cow 
render  teat  for  tat,  until  the  cow  kicked  over  the  milk-pail, 
and  then  she  sung  out,  "  Drat  the  critter." 

The  little  lambs  gamboled  and  frisked  about  the  meadows, 
and  occasionally  we  had  one  for  dinner.  On  these  rare  and 
festive  occasions  I  was  always  asked — it  was  a  way  they  had 
of  pulling  wool  over  my  eyes.  And  no  objection  was  made 
to  my  staying  as  late  as  I  pleased,  provided  I  assisted  in  shel- 
ling beans  and  peas  and  things,  and  made  myself  generally 
useful. 

Sometimes  I  stayed  rather  late.  The  clock  would  strike 
eleven,  and  then  the  young  Avoman  would  rise  saying  she 
guessed  she'd  have  to  set  out  the  bread  to  rise. 

Whereupon  I  assured  her  that  a  little  after  'leven  she  could 
leaven  the  whole  lump,  and  made  her  sit  down. 

One  night  I  rather  crowded  the  mourners.  The  clock 
struck  one  before  it  occurred  to  me  that  it  was  time  to  go. 
But  the  next  morning  I  made  amends  by  sending  her  some 
original  lines  of  my  own  composition,  beginning : — 


HOW  AN  "  EVENING  "  ENDED.  517 

"Will  you  come  to  the  bower  I  have  shingled  for  you, 
And  your  bed  shall  be  shavings,  all  spangled  with  glue." 

Once  upon  a  time  a  gentleman,  who  dropped  in  by  acci- 
dent to  spend  the  evening,  hinted  that  he  would  willingly 
be  kissed  for  his  mother,  if  his  country's  weKare  demanded 
it. 

"  Go  to,"  she  said,  for  she  was  modest  as  well  as  classical. 

"  Nay,  I  had  rather  come  twice,  love,"  I  made  answer. 

''  Marry,  come  up,"  she  cried. 

"  Not  so,  dearest,"  I  replied,  "  when  people  marry  they  have 
to  come  down." 

And  still  I  besought  her  to  kiss  me,  urged  it  upon  her  as 
a  duty  she  owed  to  society,  a  duty  which  had  too  long  been 
neglected. 

"  What  do  you  take  me  for?"  she  asked. 

"  For  better  or  for  worse,  dear  girl.  Come  to  my  arms," 
1  cried,  and  at  that  moment  her  father,  who  had  been  stand- 
ing conveniently  at  the  keyhole  outside,  entered  with  a  pick- 
axe in  his  hand  and  asked  if  I  was  waiting  for  anything  in 
particular.  He  ought  to  have  laid  his  hand  on  our  heads  and 
said,  "  Bless  you  my  children,"  but  nobody  expected  him  to 
begin  swinging  that  ridiculous  pick-axe  of  his  about  and  go 
to  calling  names.  reoi)le  should  never  be  too  familiar,  even 
with  old  acquaintances  ;  and  by  way  of  showing  a  proper 
contempt  for  the  old  gentleman's  behavior,  I  came  away 
without  saying  good  evening,  and  never  called  ou  him 
again. 


CHAPTEE  LXX. 


A  TALE   OF   THE    TRULY    KTJEAL. 

ii  C^  ^^  made  the  country,  and  man  made  the  town,"  I  had 

VJ  remarked,  settling  myself  back  in  my  chair  with  the 
air  of  a  man  who  advances  a  proposition  which  cannot  be 
disputed. 

"Stuff!"  said  Taximagulas,  with  a  vigorous  pull  at  his 
eigar. 

It  was  a  late  hour  of  an  early  day  in  June,  and  we  were 
dining,  Taximagulas  and  myself.  The  cafe  was  one  of  those 
comfortable  ones  where  women  never  come  and  smoking  is 
allowed.  In  consequence  a  freedom  of  manners  and  a  gen- 
erally negligent  air  obtained,  the  only  drawback  about  it  all 
being  that  your  vis-a-vis,  at  dinner,  stranger  though  he  be, 
was  permitted  to  put  his  feet  up  on  the  table,  and  you  had 
no  right  to  remonstrate  so  long  as  he  actually  did  not  plant 
the  leather  on  your  plate.  Taximagulas  dined  there  because 
he  hates  conventionalities ;  I  because  of  its  cheapness.  On 
this  occasion  the  waiter  had  just  brought  cigars,  and  conver- 
sation flagging  for  the  moment,  I,  by  way  of  instilling  fresh- 
ness and  vigor  into  it,  ventured  the  remark  above  quoted. 
Let  me  premise  that  Taximagulas  hated  the  smell  of  clover. 

"Besides,"  continued  that  philosopher,  blowing  a  great 
cloud  of  smoke  from  out  between  his  beard,  and  giving  a 
vicious  after-puff  which  sent  it  M'hirling  and  spinning  in 
scattered  spirals  to  the  ceiling,  "the  idea  is  not  original. 
I've  heard  the  remark  before.     It's  Cowper." 

I  made  answer  : — "  Its  feet  take  hold  on  the  eternal  fast- 
nesses of  truth  nevertheless  ;  God  made  the  country." 

518 


THE  CHARMS  OF  COUNTRY  LIFE  DISCUSSED.  519 

"If  he  did  he  made  it  for  coimtrjmen,"  growled  Taximag- 
ulas,  biting  the  nether  end  of  his  Reina  Victoria  so  savagely 
that  the  sparks  flew  from  the  lighted  one  in  a  meteoric 
shower.     "  But  what  does  that  prove  after  all  V 

"  It  proves  that  God  made  the  country,"  I  modestly  replied. 
In  our  discussions  I  always  confine  myself  to  the  plainest 
possible  propositions. 

"But  as  an  argument  for  the  superiority  of  the  country  it 
proves  nothing,"  rejoined  Taximagulas.  "  The  same  thing 
may  be  said  of  fish  and  chowder,  but  for  all  that  who  eats  tom- 
cods  uncooked?  God  made  potatoes,  too,  and  man  made 
pots — but  we  eat  the  vegetable  boiled  and  give  God  praise. 
The  raw  material  furnished,  all  else  is  left  to  our  own  inge- 
nuity and  common-sense.  God  made  the  country,  true,  but 
he  made  it  to  make  towns  of — and  made  man  to  make  'em." 

It  was  an  unusually  long  speech  for  Taximagulas,  who  is 
all  unaccustomed  to  sustained  efforts,  and  he  fell  back  in  his 
chair,  breathless  and  exhausted.  "  I  am  dry,"  he  said,  raising 
the  pewter  to  his  lips.     And  the  argument  was  ended. 

I  always  had  a  passion  for  the  truly  rural,  and  for  nearly 
a  week  had  been  trying  to  imbue  Taximagulas  with  a  kindred 
feeling.  As  well  shake  a  bag  of  fresh  oats  or  a  wisp  of  new- 
mown  hay  under  the  nose  of  one  of  those  monumental 
horses  which  adorn  the  public  squares.  "Think  of  the 
pretty  girls,"  I  urged. 

"  Just  as  pretty  in  the  city,  and  more  of  tliem." 

"But  the  innocence  of  the  country  girls,  their  beautiful 
simplicity,  their — " 

"  Oh  yes,  I  have  room  for  it  all  in  the  corner  of  this  eye ;" 
and  he  winked  horribly  with  his  red  left.  "  The  only  difi'er- 
cnce  betM-ecn  country  girls  and  city  girls  is  that  country 
girls  don't  dress  as  well,  and  have  big  feet — the  natural  result 
of  going  barefoot  when  young." 

The  temptation  was  strong  upon  me  to  hurl  a  plate  at  the 
speaker,  for  to  me  early  traditions  arc  sacred ;  I  only  refrained 
because  I  knew  that  it  would  be  put  down  in  the  l)ill,  and 
that  he  would  object  to  dividing  the  cost.     "  But  the  honesty 


520  MY  CIIUM  DISAGREES  WITH  ME. 

of  the  country  people,"  said  I,  mildly,  "  will  be  a  pleasant 
relief  after  the  cheating  and  chicanery  of  the  city." 

"  Try  some  bumpkin  on  a  horse-trade,  or  go  round  the 
country  trying  to  buy  up  eggs  and  butter  on  speculation." 

"  You  have  said  it,"  I  eagerly  cried  ;  "  the  eggs  !  the  but- 
ter! ^he  milk!  the  country  living!  What  do  you  say  to 
that  ?" 

"  Simply  that  it  is  all  of  a  piece  with  your  mermaids  and 
milkmaids,"  was  the  rejoinder.  "If  you  want  good  eggs 
and  butter  while  you're  up  there,  you'd  better  leave  an  order 
at  a  corner  grocery  here ;  the  best  of  everything  is  shipped 
to  the  city.  ^  And  be  sure  to  leave  word  at  one  of  our  mark- 
ets to  have  fresh  vegetables  sent  to  you  regularly ;  they  are 
wholesome  in  the  spring  of  the  year,  and  you'll  miss  them 
sadly  up  there  in  the  country." 

I  sighed.  "  Taximagulas,  you  are  indeed  incorrigible,  but 
I  am  loth  to  leave  you  inhaling  the  poisonous  gases  of  the 
city,  while  I  am  lu-eathing  the  pure  fresh  air  which  has  been 
filtered  through  fragrant  ferns  and  flowers,  drinking  in  the 
ambrosia  which  distils  from  clover-blooms  in  the  early  morn- 
in<r,  bathiuff  in  the  luxurious  dews  which—" 

"  — will  give  you  the  rheumatism,  and  land  you  in  a  pre- 
mature grave  if  you  stir  out  before  the  sun  has  dried  the 
grasses,"  interrupted  the  scoffer.  "  Do  you  know,  my  dear 
boy,  that  I  consider  you  a  very  promising  candidate  for  a 
lunatic  asylum  or  the  poet's  corner  of  some  bucolic  weekly. 
Talk  of  gases  and  smells  !  In  the  country  they  let  carrion  lie 
till  removed  by  the  crows ;  here  we  have  scavengers  and 
chiffonniers.  I  have  counted  nineteen  distinct  and  differently 
bad  smells  while  walking  througli  a  garden  where  honey- 
suckle and  sweet-pea  were  specially  cultivated.  And  as  to 
the  breath  of  the  meadows ;  did  ever  you  walk  across  a 
meadow  without  encountering  on  the  air  the  rather  peculiar 
bouquet  of  the  pole-c — ?" 

"  Touch  not  the  poles ;  avoid  extremes,"  I  cried. 

"  It  is  precisely  an  avoidance  of  extremes  which  I  am  urg- 
ing on  you,"  returned  the  Imperturbable.    "  In  this  matter  of 


OFF  FOR  THE  TRULY  RURAL.  521 

town  and  country  it  is  strange  to  me  that  people  cannot 
occupy  a  middle  ground.  Human  nature  is  the  same  in  both, 
and  both  have  their  conveniences  and  their  inconveniences. 
In  the  city  your  eyes  are  blown  full  of  dust,  and  in  the  coun- 
try you  get  bugs  in  your  ear.  In  the  city  your  Sundays  are 
noisy,  but  in  the  country  you  get  uncomfortable  pews  and 
bad  preaching.  The  sweet  butter  business  does  well  enough 
in  poetry,  but  it  signally  fails  in  practice ;  pastorals  ai-e  pleas- 
ant in  their  place,  but  from  pastures  deliver  me.  I  have  no 
desire  to  browse.  Even  were  I  a  horse,  I'd  quite  as  lief  live 
in  the  city,  for  the  city  horse  is  generally  less  worked  and 
better  taken  care  of  than  the  country  brute.  But  I  am  dry." 
And  again  the  flagon  visited  his  lips. 

I  bowed  my  head  meekly  and  feigned  acquiescence.  For 
what  use  to  argue  with  a  man  who  took  the  floor  in  that  fash- 
ion, talked  till  he  was  thirsty,  and  then  drank  all  the  beer  ? 
Lut  that  night  I  packed  my  traveling  trunk,  nailed  a  card 
upon  the  door,  stating  that  I  had  gone  to  the  country  and 
would  not  be  back  for  months,  and  prepared  to  turn  my  back 
on  the  city. 

Taximagulas  kindly  turned  out  an  hour  before  his  usual 
time  next  morning  to  see  me  ofl",  and  promised  to  forward 
letters  for  me  to  the  North  Pole,  if  I  extended  my  journey 
so  far.  He  even  went  with  me  to  the  de])6t.  "Good-bye, 
old  fellow,"  said  I,  wringing  his  hand  ;  "  may  that  good  God 
who  made  the  good  country  bless  you,  and  give  you  good 
sense  enough  to  appreciate  it!" 

But  the  train  was  starting;  the  last  whistle  was  blown — 
and  so  was  I,  when,  after  elbowing  and  Addling  my  way 
througli  the  mass  of  persons  not  going,  wlio  always  insist 
upon  1  (locking  tlie  path  of  those  M'ho  arc,  I  at  last  managed 
to  gain  the  platform  of  a  car. 

"Good-bye!"  sliouted  Taximagulas  after  me;  "if  I  hear 
of  a  cold  spell  up  your  way  I'll  ship  you  a  wax  nose.  You 
arc  sure  to  get  yours  frozen.     And  about  those  vegetables — " 

J>ut  T  was  whirling  away  from  the  city  at  the  rate  of  thirty 
miles  an  hour. 


522  THE  TRULY  RURAL  FOUND, 

In  due  course  of  time  the  pleasant  little  village  selected  as 
the  scene  of  my  summering  was  reached.  My  friends  had 
written  in  their  note  of  invitation,  "  everything  is  green  up 
here ;"  and  on  stepping  out  of  the  station  I  found  the  state- 
ment confirmed  to  the  letter,  even  in  the  window-blinds  of  the 
cottages.  All  nature  was  wearin'  of  the  green,  and  I  said  in 
my  soul,  Ah,  this  is  delightful;  here  is  the  Truly  Rural  at 
last! 

Around  the  rural  hearth  that  evening  various  plans  of 
amusement  were  laid  out  to  be  carried  into  effect  immedi- 
ately. Boating,  fishing,  picnicing — the  summer  seemed  all 
too  short  for  the  contemplated  round  of  enjoyments. 

"  Are  you  fond  of  croquet  ?"  asked  tlie  most  charming  of 
my  cousins,  glancing  at  me  from  out  the  corners  of  her  great 
gray  eyes. 

Now  if  there  was  one  thine;  in  the  world  which  I  knew 
nothing  at  all  about,  that  thing  certainly  was  croquet.  True, 
I  had  seen  bright-colored  balls  and  big  wooden  hammers  in 
shop-windows,  but  here  my  acquaintance  with  the  game 
ceased — if  a  thing  may  be  said  to  cease  before  it  has  begun. 
For  I  had  always  confounded  croquet  with  crotchet,  imagin- 
ing it  to  be  a  species  of  feminine  amusement,  somewhat  akin 
to  knitting.  However,  divining  that  an  answer  in  the  affirm- 
ative would  elevate  me  in  my  cousin's  estimation,  I  replied 
that  if  I  had  a  special  weakness  it  was  croquet. 

"  Oh,  that  is  bully !"  cried  my  cousin,  clapping  her  little 
hands — girls  with  big  eyes  always  have  little  hands — "  won't 
we  have  fun !" 

A  game  was  arranged  to  come  oflf  the  next  morning,  and  my 
dreams  that  night  were  of  croquet  and  cousins ;  but  I  wished 
even  in  my  sleep,  that  Minnie  had  not  said  "bully!"  One 
would  have  soon  expected  a  bullet  from  a  rose-bud.  "  Jolly  " 
would  have  conveyed  the  same  idea  much  more  pleasantly. 

The  next  morning  it  rained — a  cold,  drizzling,  wretched 
rain.  "  An  excellent  thing  for  the  crops,"  said  my  uncle,  as 
he  sawed  away  at  the  steak  at  breakfast. 

I  bethought  me  of  the  poor  hens,  which  I  had  seen  from 


SHE'S  A  SWIMMIST.  523 

my  window,  their  chignon-feathers  all  bedraggled,  and  the 
reflection  occurred  to  me  that  the  rain  was  a  little  too  much 
for  their  crops.     But  I  said  nothing. 

"  "Who  cares  for  crops  V  cried  Minnie.  "  My  mind  was 
made  up  for  a  good  game  of  croquet,  and  it's  too  bad,  so  it 
is.  Fanners  are  always  complaining  about  their  crops  and 
praying  for  rain.  They'll  bring  another  deluge  on  us  some 
day — and  then,  perhaps,  they'll  be  satisfied." 

My  aunt  looked  reprovingly  at  Minnie,  but  uncle  sawed 
steadil}'  on  at  his  steak  until  all  were  helped.  I  confessed  in 
my  own  mind  that  morning,  that  country  beef  is  scarcely 
equal  to  that  which  we  get  in  the  city.  Remarking  this  fact 
to  my  uncle  subsequently,  he  explained  that  the  bucolic 
butcher  rarely  kills  a  "  beef  crittur  "  until  its  period  of  use- 
fulness is  passed,  and  neither  milk  nor  work  can  be  obtained 
from  it. 

All  tliat  day  througli  it  rained,  and  the  next,  and  the  next, 
and  the  next,  until  ten  days  were  passed.  Pleasant  days  they 
were,  though,  for  I  passed  them  all  with  Minnie.  She  was 
very  pretty  and  very  bright,  and  I  soon  found  myself  on  the 
verge  of  falling  in  love  with  her.  The  only  thing  which 
restrained  me  was  her  perfect  want  of  sentiment.  Really  I 
do  not  think  she  understood  what  the  word  meant;  and  I  am 
certain  that  she  did  not  appreciate  poetry.  One  evening, 
while  reading  to  her  a  little  composition  of  my  own,  I 
paused  at  the  line, 

"  With  eyes  all  in  soft  languor  swimming.' 

and  glanced  over  at  her  for  comment. 

"Do  you  like  swimming?"  she  asked,  turning  suddenly 
from  the  window  through  which  she  had  been  watching  the 
gambols  of  ducks — "you  ought  to  see  me  strike  out  once!" 

1  blushed  sensitively. 

"Why,  mamma,  just  look  at  Cousin  John!"  she  shouted; 
"he's  as  red  as  father's  flannel  night-cap!" 

Indeed  my  face  was  crimson,  and  I  was  painfully  embar- 
rassed.    Ill  addition  to  bein^  verv  little  accustomed  to  the 


524  AND  I'M  A  BULLY  BOY. 

society  of  young  ladies,  I  was  becoming  conscious  of  a  ten- 
derer feeling  toward  Minnie  than  I  cared  to  acknowledge  and 
this  made  me  more  than  commonly  bashful  and  awkward. 

"Never  mind,"  she  added,  coming  up  to  me  and  patting 
my  cheek  patronizingly  with  her  plump  little  hand,  "he 
sha'n't  be  teazed,  so  he  sha'n't,  for,  after  all,  he  is  a  good 
fellow." 

I  shrank  back  nervously ;  what  if  she  should  call  me  a 
"  bully  boy,"  I  thought — a  "  bully  boy,  with  a  glass  eye  ?" 

It  w\as  a  positive  relief  to  me  when  Minnie's  little  brother 
dashed  into  the  room  crying  that  the  cows  had  got  upon  the 
lawn,  and  were  trampling  and  tearing  the  week's  washing 
into  shreds.  Here  was  a  capital  cliance  to  prove  myself  as 
useful  as  1  had  hitherto  been  ornamental,  and  I  rushed  to  the 
rescue,  seizing  my  uncle's  cane  which  stood  by  the  door. 

"Shoo!  Seat!  Get  out  of  this!"  I  yelled,  plunging  in 
amono;  the  cattle  and  flourishino-  the  stick  wildlv.  All 
obeyed  with  the  exception  of  one  old  wretch  possessed  of  a 
malignant  eye  and  a  crooked  and  crumpled  horn.  She 
charged  upon  me  like  a  regiment  of  horse,  and  I  only  escaped 
impalement  by  tlirowing  myself  one  side  into  my  aunt's  gera- 
nium-bed, breaking  my  uncle's  cane,  a  present  from  the  poor 
of  the  village,  in  my  fall. 

It  by  no  means  contributed  to  the  pleasantness  of  the  sit- 
uation to  see  Minnie  at  the  window,  laughing  and  clapping 
her  hands  in  a  perfect  ecstacy  of  mirth  ;  nor  was  I  at  all  sorry, 
subsequently,  to  learn  that  all  her  summer  dresses  that  hap- 
pened to  be  out  bleaching  might  indeed  be  termed  "gored" 
for  the  future,  though  my  best  shirts  happened  to  be  in  the 
same  predicament.  I  returned  to  the  house  in  anything  but 
an  amiable  humor ;  had  I  been  permitted  my  way,  there 
would  certainly  have  been  several  quarters  of  excellent  beef 
thrown  suddenly  on  the  market.  My  uncle  said  nothing  in 
plain  terms  about  the  loss  of  his  cane,  but  he  very  often 
refen-ed  to  it  indirectly,  as  having  been  one  of  the  most 
treasured  of  his  possessions,  and  of  the  value  of  my  aunt's 
ruined  geraniums  I  was  frequently  reminded  by  allusions  to 


WE  CROQUET.  525 

the  rarity  of  certain  specimens,  and  a  lament  tliat  there  were 
none  in  the  village  now. 

Bj-and-by  the  bad  weather  gave  over,  and  we  had  a  deli- 
cious season  of  croquet.  Minnie  and  I  generally  played  on 
the  same  side,  but  when  the  contrary  happened  to  be  the 
case,  we  were  very  tender  of  each  other.  She  rather  sympa- 
thized with  my  mistakes,  and  I  never  croquetted  her  very  far ; 
once,  when  I  "  put  a  foot "  for  her,  and  she  by  accident  struck 
it  instead  of  the  ball,  causing  a  sharp  ejaculation  of  pain  and 
lameness  for  several  daj's,  I  thought  I  detected  a  tear  tremb- 
ling under  her  long,  dark  lashes.  Certainly  there  was  a 
tenderer  liglit  in  her  eyes  than  shone  there  on  my  first  com- 
ing, and  we  "did  spoons"  together  after  the  most  approved 
fashion.  She  was  more  subdued  in  conversation  than  form- 
erl}-,  and  never  called  her  father  an  "old  duffer"  without  an 
apologetic  look  at  my  corner  of  the  room,  and  it  was  gener- 
ally voted  in  the  village  that  the  afi'air  was  as  good  as  settled. 

Strangely  enough,  in  the  same  proportion  that  she  seemed 
to  grow  tender  I  became  hard  and  critical.  Her  manners 
suggested  themselves  as  scarcely  quite  the  thing.  I  began  to 
think  that  her  feet  were  big,  though  in  the  early  part  of  our 
acquaintance  I  thought  them  so  pretty  and  petit  that  I  stole 
Ilerrick's  couplet  and  passed  it  off  as  my  own,  comparing 
thom  to  little  mice — at  which  my  aunt,  who  overheard  the 
whisper,  looked  as  though  she  smelt  a  rat.  Above  all  I  won- 
dered what  Taximaguhis  would  think  of  her,  for  I  dreaded 
the  frown  of  that  cynic.  Her  slang  would  never  do  in  the 
nursery,  I  thought,  in  tlic  final  summing  up — think  of  her 
telling  the  babe  at  her  breast  to  dry  up!  Besides,  she  docs 
not  know  a  word  of  French,  and  Avould  appear  shockingly 
awkward  in  polite  society  abroad.  !No,  no,  she  will  not  do 
as  a  wife  for  me,  and  I  clenched  ray  teeth  on  that  decision. 

Thinking  it  my  duty,  under  the  circumstances,  to  make 
lier  aware  of  tlie  true  state  of  my  feelings,  I  adojitcd  a  kind 
but  distant  manner  toward  her.  Poor  girl,  said  I  to  myself, 
she  shall  not  have  it  to  say  that  I  have  trifled  with  her  affec- 
tions, and  I  thought  in  my  soul  how  base  it  was  for  young 


526  A  SWEET  PASSION  SUSPECTED. 

men  to  lead  girls  on  with  false  hopes  and  by  flattering  atten- 
tions, merely  for  the  pastime  of  the  m^oment,  and  really  with 
no  serious  end  in  view.  Minnie  noticed  my  altered  manner, 
I  think,  and  it  grieved  her,  for  several  times  I  caught  her 
casting  inquiring  glances  at  me.  There  was  pity  in  my 
heart,  and  I  tried  to  convey  it  in  my  return  looks ;  but  below 
all  I  must  confess  to  a  sweet  feeling  of  satisfaction  at  discov- 
ering that  I  was  potent  to  make  an  impression. 

One  evening,  soon  after  the  self-communion  above  men- 
tioned, we  sat  out  on  the  veranda,  and  I  explained  the 
mysteries  of  an  expected  eclipse  to  an  attentive  audience  of 
young  ladies.  "  Don't  you  want  to  smoke  and  drive  away 
the  mosquitoes,  Jack?"  said  Minnie  (she  had  dropped  the 
"cousin"  by  permission,  if  not  by  request,  long  before). 
"  Let  me  get  you  a  cigar  ?"  And  with  her  own  hands  she 
brought  a  cigar,  even  offering  to  light  it  with  her  own  lips, 
but  this  I  would  not  allow.  It  was  plain  to  me  that  in 
igniting  the  Havana  she  hoped  to  kindle  my  heart,  and  why 
encourage  my  poor  cousin  in  hopes  and  aspirations  which 
could  not  be  gratified !  I  detected  in  advance  a  scheme  to 
get  nearer  to  me  under  the  shallow  pretense  of  "liking 
smoke ;"  and  so  the  result  proved,  for  she  came  and  seated 
herself  by  my  side. 

"  Did  you  know  that  I'm  going  to  Sturgeon  Bend  to-mor- 
row to  stay  a  week  ?"  she  at  last  asked ;  for  I,  true  to  my 
purpose,  was  silent. 

"  No,"  I  quietly  replied,  "  are  you  indeed  going  ?" 

"  Yes,  there's  no  help  for  it,  it  is  a  visit  that  must  be  made ; 
these  conventionalities  will  be  the  death  of  me  yet;  I'm 
always  selected  as  the  martyr  to  them.  Are  you  very  sorry 
that  I'm  going?"  for  I  had  made  no  expression  of  regret. 

"  Certainly  I'm  sorry,"  I  said,  "  for  1  like  you  very  much — 
as  a  cousin.  But  life  is  made  up  of  partings  and  regrets ;  we 
cannot  be  always  together,  you  know,  and  in  any  event,  I 
should  soon  return  to  the  city." 

"  Oh  don't  Jack  !  it  will  be  very  lonely  when  you  are  gone. 
Besides,  we  haven't  had  that  drive  round  the  bay  yet.     You'll 


MISS  MIXXIE  IS  MISSED.  527 

not  tliink  of  leaving  us  so  soon,  will  you  ?"  Her  voice  was 
quite  tremulous. 

''I  scarcely  think  I  sliall  leave  before  you  return;  but 
business  may  call  me,"  I  said. 

"Business!  that's  what  you  men  always  say;  what  busi- 
ness have  you  fellows  to  have  so  much  business  ? "  she  asked, 
with  a  laugh  of  simulated  merriment;  however,  I  detected  a 
hollowness  in  its  tone.  Indeed  she  was  right;  I  had  no  busi- 
ness in  town ;  but  it  seemed  to  me  that  duty  pointed  the 
path,  and,  despite  my  passion  for  the  Truly  Rural,  I  did  in- 
deed contemplate  a  speedy  return  to  the  city. 

Minnie  left  on  an  early  train,  and  the  next  morning  her 
seat  at  table  was  vacant.  I  missed  her,  but  said  nothing. 
The  house  seemed  rather  deserted  after  breakfast,  but  1  con- 
soled myself  by  thinking  how  lonely  Minnie  must  feel  with- 
out me.  In  the  afternoon  a  croquet  party  came  off.  But 
somehow  I  took  no  interest  in  the  game ;  it  was  immaterial 
to  me  which  side  lost  or  which  won,  and  I  made  a  wretched 
hand  of  it  with  my  mallet.  I  missed  everything;  really  I 
do  not  believe  that  I  could  have  caromed  on  a  church.  There 
was  a  little  party  in  the  evening.  But  everybody  seemed 
stupid;  there  was  no  spring  in  the  floor  of  the  dancing-room 
nor  the  conversation  of  the  drawing-room,  and  I  left  at  an 
early  hour. 

Kext  day  it  rained.  I  suddenly  discovered  discomforts  and 
de])rivations  which  before  had  passed  unnoticed.  The  season 
had  been  so  backward  that  strawberries  did  not  ripen  and 
peas  did  not  get  green  enough  to  cat ;  they  were  scarcer  and 
dearer  than  pearls,  and  to  swallow  one  was  an  emulation  of 
Cleopatra.  There  was  nothing  stirring  in  society  but  scandal. 
The  only  thing  which  transpired  to  break  the  monotony  of 
things  was  a  quarrel  between  the  congregation  and  their 
]>;istor;  this,  unfortunately,  did  not  get  beyond  words  nor 
assume  proportions  sufficient  to  be  interesting. 

Life,  in  short,  became  dreary;  the  Truly  Ilural  tedious — 
and  I  wrote  to  Taximagulas  that  I  was  having  a  sjjlendid 
time,  and  he  must  come  up  and  join  me.     Ho  replied  tluit  it 


528         TAXIMAGULAS  TELEGRAPHED  FOR. 

made  him  liappj  to  hear  that  I  was  happy ;  it  was  an  assur- 
ance to  him  that  I  was  virtuous,  and  he  hoped  my  happiness 
would  continue  to  the  end.  But  life,  he  said,  was  too  brief 
to  sjDeiid  even  the  summer  months  away  from  the  great  cen- 
tres of  civilization,  and  he  added  a  postscript  about  the  wax 
nose,  asking  whether  mine  still  survived  the  frosts  which  he 
heard  were  setting  in  up  north,  though  it  was  only  the  mid- 
dle of  July. 

About  the  same  time  that  Taximagulas'  letter  arrived 
came  one  from  Minnie  to  her  mother,  saying  that  she  had 
been  persuaded  to  stay  another  week,  and  giving  her  "  love  " 
in  a  postscript  to  "  dear  Cousin  Jack." 

It  rather  vexed  me  that  no  message  of  a  more  tender  and 
private  nature  came  to  me,  for  all  that  I  had  so  sternly  re- . 
solved  to  nij)  my  cousin's  young  affection  in  its  bud ;  and  I 
went  to  bed  that  night  more  out  of  conceit  with  my  country 
life  than  ever.  But  I  abandoned  all  thought  of  going  before 
Minnie  returned. 

As  the  next  best  thing  to  do  I  telegraphed  Taximagulas 
to  johi  me  at  once.  This  time  I  flung  a  brown-hackle 
under  his  nose — availing  myself  of  his  weak  point.  I  told 
him  that  the  streams  were  full  of  fish  (and  certainly  there  was 
every  reason  to  suppose  so,  for  I  never  knew  of  any  being 
taken  out.)  I  told  him  not  to  lose  a  day,  but  to  come  at  once. 
He  replied  by  mail  that  the  fishing  at  M'Comb's  Dam  was 
excellent,  quite  as  good  as  he  cared  for ;  that  he  had  been  out 
there  the  preceding  day  and  caught  ten  excellent  eels,  besides 
getting  a  nibble  which  he  felt  sure  came  from  a  bass.  He 
advised  me  to  huny  back  and  enjoy  the  sport. 

Minnie  still  had  not  returned,  and  to  crown  all  cold  rains 
set  in.  Every  day  brought  the  same  picture  of  dismal  skies, 
mud — and  no  sidewalks.  Rain,  rain,  every  day  until  a  dry 
nurse  could  not  have  been  found  in  the  village,  no  matter 
what  the  emergency  was.  In  despair  I  took  to  fishing.  I 
hied  me  to  the  streams  where  trout  were  said  to  lurk — and 
did  lurk  so  closely  that  I  never  saw  the  nose  of  one.  Per- 
haps they  were  loth  to  come  out  in  the  rain  through  fear  of 


BITES.  529 

wetting  their  spangled  jackets.  But  tliongli  no  fish  rose  at 
the  flies  on  my  hook,  flies  on  their  own  hook  rose  in  swarms 
at  me — black-flies,  sand-flies,  horse-flies,  shad-flies,  gallinip- 
pers.  Had  I  got  as  many  fish  as  bites,  the  market  would 
h-Ave  been  overstocked. 

Eeturning  home  in  disgust,  I  found  Minnie  taking  off  her 
traveling  things.  "  Why  were  you  not  at  the  station  for  me, 
Muo-o-ins  of  the  world,  that  you  are  ? "  was  her  first  salutation. 

I  could  have  kissed  her — I  mean  I  would  have  if  I  could 
have.  As  it  was  I  took  both  her  hands  in  both  of  mine  and 
told  her  how  we'd  missed  her. 

"  That  is  right,"  she  said,  "  that's  the  way  to  treat  a  cousin  ; 
what's  the  use  of  putting  on  as  much  dignity  as  though  you 
were  making  a  treaty  with  a  copper-colored  Indian  chief ! " 

At  this  my  old  reserve  came  back.  I  can  not  marry  the 
girl,  1  said  to  myself,  and  it  is  plain  she  has  not  recovered 
from  her  affection  for  me.     1  must  discourage  it. 

But  Minnie  would  not  be  discouraged  ;  her  spirits  were  exu- 
berant—so boundlessly  so  that  I  became  seriously  alarmed ; 
I  tliouffht  she  was  deluding  herself  still  more  with  false 
hopes,  and  resolved  to  end  the  matter  at  once.  If  she  would 
persist  in  loving  me  I  made  up  my  mind  to  return  to  the  city 
immediately,  though  the  weather  was  now  quite  delightful — 
blackberries  were  coming  into  market,  and  we  occasionally 
liad  a  vegetable. 

In  this  emergency  I  consulted  a  friend — an  old  friend  from 
Boston,  as  to  the  propriety  of  telling  Minnie  the  state  of  my 
feelings,  and  explaining  as  gently  as  possible  that  the  present 
relationsliip  of  friends  and  cousins  was  the  warmest  that  could 
ever  exist  between  us. 

"No,  I  hardly  think  I'd  do  that,"  he  said,  rellectively. 
"You  are  sure  tliat  your  cousin  is  in  love  with  you?" 

I  replied,  sadly,  in  the  aflirmative. 

"And  you  arc  wholly  blameless — you  really  did  not  at- 
tempt to  win  her  affections?" 

"On  the  contrary  I  have  discouraged  them  in  every  way 

34: 


530  FRIENDLY  COUNSEL. 

that  I  could  without  being  actually  rude.  One  must  be  civil 
to  one's  relations,  you  know." 

"Just  my  fix,  old  fellow,"  said  Bob,  seizing  my  hand; 
"  we're  in  the  same  boat,  only  it  isn't  a  case  of  cousin  with 
me.  There's  a  girl  dead  in  love  with  me — real  nice  girl,  too — 
got  a  farm.  Now  I'll  tell  you  what  I'm  going  to  do.  I'm 
going  to  marry  her." 

"  But  do  you  love  her  ? " 

"  No  matter  whether  I  do  or  not  so  long  as  she's  sweet  on 
me.     And  you  just  marry  Minnie.     She's  a  real  nice  girl, 

isn't  she  ? " 

The  idea  of  making  a  question  of  so  plain  a  proposition 
provoked  me.     "  She  is  my  cousin,  sir,"  I  said. 
"  Got  a  farm,  too,  I  believe." 

To  relieve  myself  of  any  suspicion  of  mercenariness  I  ex- 
plained that  nothing  grew  on  it,  and  that  they  even  had  to 
buy  hay  to  feed  the  cows. 

"  That's  because  of  the  bad  season.    Now  I'll  tell  you  what 
to  do.     Marry  Minnie." 
"  But  I  don't  love  her." 

^'  You  have  made  her  think  you  do,  and  that  is  just  the 
.game — a  little  worse  if  anything.  All  the  village  has  been 
talking  about  you  two ;  to  quit  now  wouldn't  be  using  the 
girl  at  all  fairly.  It  doesn't  matter  whether  it  was  your  folly 
or  your  fault;  you  say  she  has  become  so  fond  of  you  as  to 
exhibit  her  feelings  noticeably,  so  there  is  only  one  thing  you 
can  do  in  honor.  At  least  that's  the  way  I  look  at  it,  and  I 
mean  to  practice  just  as  I  preach,  /shall  come  to  the  scratch 
this  afternoon." 

And  before  we  parted  I  had  agreed  to  come  to  the  scratch 
too.  Considering  all  my  previous  reluctance,  it  was  indeed 
strange  how  easily  I  was  persuaded.  But  example  is  all- 
powerful. 

Going  home  I  found  Minnie  in  the  swing,  under  the  apple- 
trees.  "Always  around  when  you're  wanted,  never  when 
you're  not,"  she  cried ;  "  you're  a  jewel  of  a  Jack,  and  oh, 
what  a  husband  you'll  make  !     Come,  swing  me." 


I  POP.  531 

I  svrnno:  her  until  the  shadows  of  the  trees  lenfirthened 
along  the  lawn  and  the  stars  were  swinging  in  the  sky,  all 
regardless  of  the  tea-bell,  but  somehow  I  felt  reluctant  to  ap- 
proach the  subject.  Her  meeting  me  half-way  made  me  half 
resolve  to  go  back. 

I  did  a  little  better  later  in  the  evening,  when  we  sat  under 
the  harvest-moon,  trying  to  count  the  stars.  The  moon  is 
better  for  complexions  than  either  day-light  or  candle-light, 
and  IMinnie  was  so  bright  and  so  pretty  that  I  renewed  my 
resolve  to  sacrifice  myself  to  her  happiness. 

"Minnie,"  1  said,  "I  have  something  to  say  to  you." 

"  "Well,  why  don't  you  say  it  then  ?  Have  you  got  a  new 
conundrum  ? "  she  asked. 

I  did  not  half  like  this  beginning,  and  felt  slightly  angry 
at  her.  She  ought  to  have  divined  what  was  coming,  for  I 
had  led  the  conversation  quite  skillfully  up  to  the  point  it 
was  intended  to  reach.  A  tremor  in  her  voice  would  have 
steadied  me,  but  her  coolness  had  the  contrary  effect.  The 
business  had  become  awkward,  but  determined  to  finish  it  I 
blundered  on,  taking  her  hand,  after  the  style  of  declaration 
set  forth  in  all  novels: — 

"Minnie,  I  never  can  think  as  much  of  you  as  you  do  of 
me — I  mean,  Minnie,  you  can  never  think  as  nnicli  of  me  as 
1  do  of  myself — I  mean — 1  mean — don't  you  want  to  be  my 
little  wifcV' 

"  Why,  Cousin  Jack !  "  she  cried,  springing  from  her  seat 
in  astonishment,  and  oversetting  the  last  of  mj'  aunt's  gerani- 
ums, "  arc  you  crazy,  or  are  you  in  fun,  or  what?  I  see" — 
after  glancing  at  my  crimsoned  face — "yo^i've  been  down  to 
the  village  all  the  afternoon  drinking  co<^ktails  with  that  hor- 
rid Boston  friend  of  yours — I  hate  h'un — and  you're  tight — ■ 
your  nose  is  as  red  as  fire." 

"  Hear  me,  Miimic — "  I  began. 

But  she  cut  me  off  with,"Ko,  I'd  rather  hear  you  sing 
'  Hear  me,  Norma.'  Don't  be  foolish.  Jack ;  you're  only  my 
cousin,  you  know,  besides,  I'm — I'm — " 

"I  see,"  said  I,  a  sudden  pang  of  jealousy  darting  through 


532  OTHERWISE  ENGAGED. 

my  breast,  "  you  love  some  one  else."  "With  that  sharp  pain 
came  a  sudden  revelation ;  I  found  that  I  loved  Minnie,  had 
loved  her  from  the  first,  and  could  never  be  happy  with  an- 
other. Strange  that  the  discovery  of  all  this  should  be  simul- 
taneous with  ascertaining  that  she  was  beyond  my  reach. 

"  Yes,  Jack,"  she  went  on,  pityingly  (it  was  her  turn  then), 
"I  am  engaged.  Indeed  I  didn't  know  any  thing  about  all 
this.  One  time  I  thought  you  were  a  little  spooney  on  me, 
but  you  seemed  to  get  over  it  mighty  soon.  And  when  I 
went  off  to  Sturgeon  Bend  1  thought  you  positively  disliked 
me." 

"May  I  inquire  if  the  happy  man  who  is  to  enjoy  the 
honor  of  becoming  my  cousin  lives  at  Sturgeon  Bend  ? "  I 
asked,  biting  my  lips  in  ill-concealed  vexation. 

"  You  certainly  have  no  right  to  ask  in  that  way.  Jack,  but 
I'll  answer  you  nevertheless.  No,  he  does  not  live  there ;  he 
lives  in  New  York,  but  came  up  on  a  visit  to  his  sister,  who 
is  married — it  was  in  her  family  that  I  visited — his  name  is 
Henry  Sheldon." 

"Old  Taximagulas,  by  all  that  is  holy!"  I  shouted,  for- 
getting my  disappointment  in  my  astonishment.  Minnie 
bounded  into  the  house  like  a  sky-rocket,  imagining  that  I 
had  gone  clean  crazy.  I  was  not  sorry,  for  the  conversation 
just  ended  was  not  of  that  clieerful  character  which  one  cares 
to  prolong  beyond  reasonable  limits. 

All  was  explained  now.  Minnie  was  one  of  the  eels  that 
Taximagulas  wrote  he  had  been  bobbing  for.  Or  was  she  the 
hypothetical  bass  of  the  glorious  nibble  ?  I  who  was  wonder- 
ing how  Taximagulas  would  like  Minnie  for  mj  wife,  had  it 
made  plain  to  me  how  he  would  like  her  for  his.  And  they 
met  and  loved,  and  Minnie  was  wooed  and  won  at  Sturgeon 
Bend  !  Shades  of  Yenus,  what  a  name  for  Cupid's  Bower ! 
The  flying-fish  might  nestle  there  appropriately  enough,  but 
not  the  nightingale  nor  the  turtle.  The  eternal  fitness  of 
things  seemed  strangely  disregarded,  nor  were  the  unities  pre- 
served. I  suddenly  remembered  how  Taximagulas  had  dole- 
fully hinted  that  he  had  a  visit  of  duty  to  pa}^,  and  would 


A  PAIR  OF  MITTENS.  533 

probably  have  to  spend  a  few  days  in  the  conntiy  during  my 
absence.  And  here  was  I,  who  had  pitied  poor  Minnie  for 
being  all  adrift  in  her  love  of  me,  at  sea  myself  in  an  open 
boat,  with  not  even  a  hope  to  steer  by.  The  martyr's  crown  I 
had  so  patronizingly  consented  to  wear  was  suddenly  trans- 
formed to  a  wreath  of  willow.  The  situation  would  have 
been  funny  had  I  not  been  so  immediately  interested,  but 
there  are  very  few  who  feel  like  whistling  at  their  own 
funerals,  I  essayed  to  whistle  "My  bark  is  on  the  sea"  as  I 
took  my  candle  and  groped  my  way  to  bed ;  but  could  any  one 
have  looked  into  my  heart  and  seen  its  bitterness  he  would 
have  thought  that  it  was  a  bitter  bark  indeed. 

Next  morning  I  went  down  to  the  village  and  found  a  let- 
ter which  compelled  my  immediate  return  to  the  city.  De- 
lay, even  of  a  day,  would  be  disastrous  to  all  my  prospects 
in  life,  I  explained  to  my  friend.  And  I  met  Bob.  He  had 
a  surprised  and  bewildered  look  on  his  face,  and  a  small  car- 
pet sack  in  his  hand. 

"  Halloo  !  where  are  you  going  !  "  1  hailed. 

"  Boston  !  "     He  bit  the  word  off  viciously  and  short. 

"  How  did  you  come  out  yesterday  ? "  I  asked. 

"Got  the  mitten,  by  thunder!  Girl  said  I  was  after  that 
potato-patch  of  hers ;  wouldn't  believe  that  I  did  it  all  be- 
cause I  thought  it  was  the  correct  thing,  and  wanted  to  save 
her  fro!n  being  a  blasted  being.     And  you?" 

"  Oh,  my  affair  isn't  quite  arranged,  but  it's  in  a  fair  way 
to  be,"  I  made  answer,  pleasantly,  and  walked  away,  much 
relieved  to  find  that  there  were  tM'o  fools  paddling  in  one 
canoe. 

Tiiat  same  evening  my  trunks  were  packed  and  aboard  the 
train.  "  Don't  go  yet.  Jack,"  urged  my  uncle  and  aunt,  and 
"What  on  earth  is  your  hurry.  Cousin  Jack?  We're  going 
to  have  splendid  weather  for  croquet,"  chimed  in  Minnie. 

"Business,  business!"  1  briskly  said,  "gold  is  going  up." 

"  I  don't  see  as  that  is  any  reason  for  your  going  down,"  re- 
turned Minnie ;  but  entreaties  to  stay  v;ere  lost  upon  me, 
and  the  next  evening  found  me  dining  at  the  accustomed 


53i 


TIRED  OF  THE  COUNTRY. 


cafe,  with  an  unusually  large  cloud  of  smoke  curling  about 

my  head. 

Taximagulas  met  me  with  the  old  heartiness  and  playfully 
inquired  about  my  nose — seemingly  all  unconscious  that  he 
had  put  it  out  of  joint.  He  informed  me,  by-and-by,  in  after- 
dinner  confidence,  that  though  he  did  not  like  the  country  in 
the  summer,  he  thought  he  should  take  a  short  vacation  and 
go  up  in  the  winter,  about  Christmas  time ;  wouldn't  I  go 
with  him ;  he  had  some  rather  important  business ;  in  fact, 
he  was  going  to  be  married  ;  perhaps  I  knew  the  girl ;  she 
came  from  my  neighborhood ;  and  he  told  me  her  name. 

I  replied  that  I  knew  the  girl,  and  mentioned  incidentally 
that  she  was  my  cousin ;  that  it  was  at  her  parents'  residence 
that  I  did  my  summering. 

I  did  go  up  in  the  winter,  and  assisted  at  the  ceremony. 
Taximagulas  and  Minnie  are  now  living  in  a  little  village  in 
3!^ew  Jersey — he  seems  strangely  impressed  with  the  charms 
of  a  country  life — and  I  and  my  wife  have  a  standing  invita- 
tion to  spend  the  summer  months  with  them.  But  I  am  not 
so  fond  of  the  Truly  Eural  as  I  was,  and  the  city  has  devel- 
oped charms  to  me  of  late  which  I  never  discovered  before. 
A  brown-stone  is  quite  comfortable  enough  for  me  at  any 
season  of  the  year,  and  as  for  croquet,  the  only  playing  that 
I  have  seen  done  for  a  year  past  was  by  the  inmates  of  a  pri- 
vate lunatic  asylum  in  the  western  part  of  New  York  State. 


CHAPTEE  LXXI. 

THE  PEOSE  AND  POETRY  OF  CEOQUET. 

PEEHAPS  you  know  something  about  croquet — its 
mallets,  its  hoops  or  arches,  the  stakes — often  reached 
by  a  MISS— the  red  rover,  the  "  splitting  stroke  "—sometimes 
made  by  irate  young  ladies  on  the  skull  of  an  awkward  part- 
ner—and all  the  balance  of  the  nomenclature  and  technicali- 
ties of  the  mysterious  game  ? 

It  is  played  very  little  now  in  comparison  with  the  absorb- 
ing occupation  it  furnished  when  lirst  introduced ;  still,  as 
has  just  been  intimated  in  the  preceding  chapter,  you  may 
occasionally  see  a  party  of  private  lunatics  playing  it  even 
now.  That  I  never  was  proficient  at  the  game  you  will 
readily  understand  by  the  following  lines  addressed  me  by  a 
young  lady  with  whom  1  had  the  honor  of  playing  one 
evening : — 

TO  THE  GREAT  UNSKILFUL. 

Miss!  miss!!  miss  !! ! 

Leaving  never  a  stroke  for  me ; 
And  but  for  politeness  I'd  utter 

The  contempt  I  have  for  thee. 

Oh,  well  for  your  niece  over  there, 

That  she  has  my  uncle  to  play ; 
Oh,  well  for  the  sake  of  us  both, 

That  I'm  a  good  bat  at  croquet. 

And  the  other  players  go  on 

To  tlie  stake,  while  your  ball  stands  still; 

Don't  ask  me  "  Which  arch  you  are  for  " — 
Just  play  wherever  you  will. 
.535 


536  THE  PROSE  OF  CROQUET. 

Miss !  miss ! !  miss  ! ! ! 

Oh,  you  muggins  from  over  the  sea; 
But  the  tender  grace  of  a  good  croquet 

Will  never  be  won  by  thee. 

The  ensuing  stirring  verses  are  supposed  to  have  been  writ- 
ten by  a  young  and  blooming  lady  of  eighteen,  entitled  by 
birth  to  a  portion  of  that  talent  which  it  is  thought  lies 
buried  in  a  napkin  among  my  kin.     They  are  entitled 

THE  MAY   GREEN. 

You  must  wake  and  call  me  early,  call  me  early  mamma,  dear, 
To-niorrow'll  be  the  nicest  time  I've  had  in  many  a  year; 
Of  all  the  good,  good  times,  mamma,  by  far  the  merriest  day, 
For  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma,  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

Pa  snores  so  loud  all  night,  mamma,  I'm  pretty  sure  to  wake, 
But  if  not  down  to  breakfast,  please  save  a  piece  of  steak, 
For  I  must  wait  a  wee,  perhaps,  to  fix  my  back  hair  gay. 
For  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma.  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

There's  many  a  skilful  hand,  they  say,  but  none  so  sure  as  mine. 

There's  Margaret  and  Nellie,  who  think  they  play  it  fine. 

But  none  like  little  Aggie,  in  all  these  parts  they  say, 

So  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma,  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

As  I  came  from  the  village   whom  think  you  I  should  see 
But  Mr.  Buffside  on  the  bridge — he  scarcely  bowed  to  me  ; 
He  thought  of  that  bad  stroke,  perhaps,  that  I  made  yesterday. 
But  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma,  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

They  say  he  swore  a  little  when  my  mallet  hit  his  knee, 

They  say  his  shin  is  aching,  but  what  is  that  to  me  ? 

There's  other  chaps  to  "  put  a  foot,"  if  he  takes  his  away. 

And  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma,  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

There's  Maggie  will  be  with  me — we  play  upon  her  green, 
And  you  may  come  with  sandwiches — please  let  the  ham  be  lean. 
My  stupid  beau  will  come,  perhaps ;  but  if  he  comes  to  stay, 
I'll  give  him  just  a  hint,  mamma — his  big  feet  I'll  croquet. 

The  balls  roll  to  and  fro,  mamma,  upon  the  cool,  clean  grass. 
And  the  hoops  that  you  see  there,  perhaps  seem  easy  things  to  pass, 
But  if  you  tried  them  once,  mamma,  I  rather  think  you'd  say, 
No  hoops  you  wore  did  ever  drag,  like  these  hoops  in  croquet. 


THE  POETRY  OF  CROQUET,  537 

Tes,  wake  and  call  me  early,  call  me  early,  mamma  dear, 
To-morrow'll  be  the  nicest  time  I've  had  since  we've  been  here. 
You  must  loop  my  dress  a  little  high — no  matter  what  they  say, 
For  I'm  going  to  play  croquet,  mamma,  I'm  going  to  play  croquet. 

In  both  the  preceding  pieces  yon  have  had  the  practical  of 
croquet,  the  real^  the  matter  of  fact  of  the  game.  If  you  do 
not  think  it  has  its  romance,  just  listen  to  the  sweep  of  this 
harj),  the  burden  of  the  air  being 

CROQUET. 

Out  on  the  lawn,  in  the  evening  gray. 

Went  Willie  and  Kate.     I  said  "  Which  way  ?  " 

And  they  both  replied,  "  Croquet,  croquet ! " 

The  evening  was  bright  with  the  moon  of  May, 
And  the  lawn  was  light  as  though  lit  by  day — 
From  the  window  I  looked — to  see  croquet. 

Of  mallets  and  balls  the  usual  display  ; 

The  hoops  all  stood  in  arch  array, 

And  I  said,  to  myself,  "  Soon  we'll  see  croquet." 

But  the  mallets  and  balls  unheeded  lay, 

And  the  maid  and  the  youth?     Side  by  side  sat  they,   ] 

And  I  thought  to  myself:     Is  that  croquet? 

I  saw  the  scamp — it  was  light  as  day — 
Put  his  arm  round  her  waist  in  a  loving  way. 
And  he  squeezed  lier  huiid.     Was  that  croquet  ? 

While  the  red  rover  rolled  forgotten  away, 
lie  wliispereii  all  that  a  lover  should  say, 
And  kissed  her  lips — what  a  queer  croquet ! 

Silent  they  sat  'neath  the  moon  of  May ; 
But  I  knew  by  her  blushes  she  said  not  Nay, 
And  I  thought  in  my  heart :  Now  thad  croquet. 


CHAPTER  LXXII. 

IN   WHICH   THE   AUTHOR   RESPECTFULLY  REFUSES   TO   BE   PASSED 
DOWN     TO     POSTERITY    AS     A     CALIFORNIA    HUMORIST     WITH     A 

LARGE    H. 

"\T7"HEN  a  man  dates  from  Boonton,  N.  J.,  on  a  Thanks- 
'  '  gi^'ing  daj,  or  deliberately  sits  down  to  write  about 
himself  from  anywhere,  you  may  know  that  he  is  desperate — 
that  very  few  alternatives  are  open  to  him  on  this  side  of  the 
grave. 

The  cause  of  this  present  anguish  was  found  in  the  pages 
of  the  Atlantic  for  December,  just  arrived  and  displayed  for 
sale  on  the  counters  of  the  only  drug-store  in  town.  Under 
the  head  of  "  Recent  Literature,"  my  frenzied  eye  lit  upon 
the  following  exposition  : — 

"  What  the  native  Californian  is  to  be  in  literature  we  do  not  know  any  critic 
•who  is  able  to  foretell,  and  the  first-born  of  that  state  is  yet  too  young  to  give 
us  any  means  of  rightly  guessing.  The  California  of  the  present  times  is  merely 
a  set  of  circumstances,  and  the  literature  wliich  has  come  from  it  is  the  work  of 
young  writers  who  have  all  felt  the  same  shaping  influences,  but  who  are  of 
widely  various  origin.  Very  likely  the  real  Californian,  son  of  the  red  soil  and 
the  blue  sky,  will  be  altogether  different  from  Mr.  Mark  Twain  Clemens,  formerly 
Missourian,  or  Mr.  Bret  Harte,  formerly  New  Yorker,  or  Mr.  Prentice  Mulford, 
or  Mr.  Charles  Webb,  or  Mr.  Charles  Warren  Stoddard,  who  are  all  conscious  of 
their  California,  and  view  it  objectively.  He  will  probably  be  no  more  aware 
of  his  Californianism  in  this  sense  than  the  Bostonian  or  New  Yorker  is  aware 
of  his  local  qualities.  He  will  have  no  ground  of  former  associations  from 
which  to  regard  it,  and  it  may  never  occur  to  him  as  a  stupendous  joke  of  which 
he  is  an  amusing  part,  and  so  he  may  not  be  a  California  humorist,  as  each  of 
these  writers  is.  It  is  very  possible  that  he  may  take  it  entirely  a«  serieux,  and 
be  a  poet,  say  of  a  high,  earnest,  and  sober  sort. 

The  writers  whom  we  have  named,  and  whom,  without  an  invidious  silence  con- 
cerning other  clever  people,  we  may  consider  as  having  given  California  her 

538 


'THE  MOST  UXKINDEST  CUT."  539 

distinction  in  our  literature,  were  Californians  of  occasion,  and  are  now  Califor- 
nians  no  longer,  Mr.  Clemens  living  in  Hartford,  Messrs.  Harte  and  Webb  in 
New  York,  and  Messrs.  Stoddard  and  Mulford  in  England.  Yet  they  have  each 
deeply  received  the  same  Californian  stamp,  and  tlieir  humor,  broad  or  fine,  has 
the  same  general  character,  as  if  in  each  of  them,  it  came  from  a  sense  of  their 
own  anomaly,  as  men  of  the  literary  temperament  and  ambition  in  a  world  of 
rude  adventure,  rapacious  money-getting,  and  barbarous  profusion.  The  state 
of  things  in  wliich  they  found  themselves  must  have  affected  them  as  immensely 
droll ;  in  it,  but  not  of  it,  they  must  have  felt  themselves  rather  more  comic 
than  anything  about  them ;  and  this  .sense  of  one's  own  grotesqueness  in  the 
midst  of  grotesqueness,  is  Humor,  with  the  large  H,  which  we  have  been  gradu- 
ally coming  at.  All  literary  men,  we  suppose,  feel  their  want  of  relevance  to 
surrounding  conditions  at  times  and  in  some  degree;  and  the  conditions  being 
exaggerated  in  the  case  of  the  Californian  UUeratcnrs,  we  can  readily  account 
for  the  greater  irreverence  and  abandon  of  their  humor,  which  has  now  become 
the  type  of  American  humor,  so  that  no  merry  person  can  hope  to  please  the 
public  unless  he  approaches  it." 

Kow  1  don't  wonder  that  Mr.  Osgood  sold  out  all  his 
magazines,  for  these  gentlemen  who  edit  them  would  have 
got  him  killed  had  they  kept  on  in  this  way  long.  There  are 
some  things  that  cannot  be  passed  over  in  silence.  I  have  been 
called  a  good  many  names  in  my  time,  but  this  is  the  first 
time  that  ever  I  was  grouped  as  a  "  Californian  Humorist" — 
a  "large  II"  clapped  on  top  of  me  at  that!  To  the  para- 
graph which  lately  went  round  stating  that  1  am  Miss  Ida 
Greeley,  I  do  not  object.  For,  were  choice  left  open  to  me, 
1  certainly  would  ratlier  be  an  estimable  young  lady  than 
most  anything  else.  And  the  feminine  delicacy  of  my  style, 
the  airy  grace  of  my  expression,  would  very  naturally  lead 
any  country  editor,  knowing  me  only  through  my  polemic 
essays  and  unacquainted  with  me  personally,  to  mistake 
my  sex  and  put  me  up  for  a  young  lady ;  the  error  is  quite 
pardonable.  Uut  there  is  no  reason  for  Boston's  treating  mo 
as  it  now  does  and  always  has;  and  if  you  M'ill  ])erniit  a 
crushed  worm  to  turn  in  your  c<jlumns,  I'll  kick  back. 

The  idea  of  a  crushed  worm  kicking  back  will  perhaps  be 
rcirarded  in  Boston  as  a  characteristic  touch  of  "California 
Humor,"  but  the  crushed  worm  is  in  dead  earnest  this  time, 
and,  with  your  kind  permission,  will  now  proceed  to  put  his 
fins  up. 


540  WHY  I'M  NOT  A  CALIFORNIAN  AT  ALL. 

In  the  first  place,  I  don't  know  why  I  should  be  called  a 
Californian  at  all — if  we  except  the  fact  that  1  once  owned 
and  edited  a  weekly  newspaper,  of  that  name,  in  San  Fran- 
cisco, which  nearly  bankrupted  me  in  an  inconceivably  short 
space  of  time.  Circumstances  over  which  I  had  no  control — 
to  which  the  Californian  was  something  more  than  kin  and 
considerably  less  than  kind — once  made  me  a  sojourner  in 
San  Francisco,  for  the  comparative  eternity  of  three  years. 
"What  that  remarkable  city  or  I  ever  did  or  left  undid,  to 
deserve  such  a  dispensation,  I  have  never  been  able  to  deter- 
mine, but  I  suppose  we  both  merited  a  severe  lick — and  got 
it.  After  serving  out  my  three  years,  faithfully,  however,  I 
returned  to  New  York,  where  I  have  lived  ever  since,  with 
the  exception  of  a  week  in  Boston,  which  should  not  be 
counted  against  me. 

On  landing  in  San  Francisco  my  arrival  was  chronicled  as 
that  of  a  "  Copperhead,"  and  an  "  Englishman."  During  my 
residence  similar  attentions  were  bestowed  upon  me,  by  the 
press  of  the  Golden  State,  with  few  exceptions.  On  leav- 
ing there  I  can  truthfully  say  that  the  general  editorial 
expression  of  tumultuous  joy  at  my  going  was  only  equaled 
by  that  which  swelled  within  my  own  bosom  at  getting  away. 
This  auspicious  exodus  occurred  nearly  eight  years  since,  yet 
even  now  my  attention  is  not  infrequently  called  by  good- 
natured  friends  to  a  paragraph  in  some  California  paper 
wherein  I  am  pleasantly  followed  and  pointed  out,  if  not  as 
a  fugitive  from  justice,  as  a  fugitive  from  something  still 
more  severe — from  a  wife,  and  advertised  for  by  her.  This 
being  the  way  of  it,  you  perhaps  will  not  wonder  that  I 
object  to  being  called  a  Californian  Humorist,  and  am  more 
than  half  disposed  to  question  the  propriety  of  the  title ! 

Still  a  greater  reason  for  my  dodging  the  nomenclature  is 
an  abiding  conviction  in  my  breast  as  to  what  will  come  of 
it.  1  know  that  even  now  the  Thunderers  of  the  sage  brush 
are  nibbing  their  editorial  quills  anew,  to  go  for  me.  "  There," 
they  will  say  with  that  precision  of  statement  and  elegance 
of  diction  which  my  prophetic  soul  too  well  remembers,^ 


YET  I  TAKE  UP  THE  CUDGEL  FOR  CALIFORNIA.        5^1 

"there  goes  tliat  half-baked  galoot,  dumping  his  hog-wash 
and  slinging  his  pnrp-stnff  around  the  country  and  trying  to 
palm  himself  off  for  a  Caliibrnian."  You  see  I've  heen 
there,  and  if  the  reviewer  in  classing  me  among  those  who 
"  view  California  objectively,"  means  that  I  object  to  return- 
ing to  the  country  and  settling  down  as  a  permanence,  why 
then  he's  right  about  it.  I'm  rather  curious  to  know  what 
they'll  say  about  him  when  the  Atlantic  gets  out  there  and 
they  find  that  he  calls  California  "  a  set  of  circumstances." 

Kotwithstanding,  however,  I  wish  to  take  up  the  cudgel 
for  California  in  one  respect.  The  Atlantic  does  injustice  to 
a  state  that  has  rightfully  enough  a  good  deal  to  answer  for, 
and  wastes  sympathy  that  nn'ght  be  better  expended  nearer 
home,  when  it  attempts  to  shed  any  in  behalf  of  "men  of 
the  literary  temperament  and  ambition  in  a  world  of  rude 
adventure,  rapacious  money -getting  and  barbarous  profusion." 
Emerson,  who  is  a  born  Bostonian,  says  very  much  the  same 
thing,  but  this  is  how  he  says  it : — 

"  I  do  not  think  very  respectfully  of  the  denizens  or  the  doings  of  the  people 
who  went  to  California  in  1849.  It  was  a  rush  and  a  scramble  of  needy  adven- 
turers ;  and  in  the  Western  country,  a  general  jail  delivery  of  all  the  rowdies  of 
the  rivers.  Some  of  them  went  with  honest  purposes,  some  with  very  bad  ones, 
and  all  of  them  with  the  very  common-place  desire  to  find  a  short  road  to  wealth. 
But  Nature  watches  over  all,  and  turns  this  malfeasance  to  good.  California 
gets  peopled  and  subdued—  civilized  in  this  immoral  way,  and  on  this  fiction  a 
real  prosperity  is  rooted  and  grown.  It  is  a  decoy-duck;  tubs  thrown  to  amuse 
a  whale,  but  real  ducks,  and  whales  that  yield  oil,  are  caught." 

The  main  difference  between  the  Atlantic's  idea  and  Emer- 
son's is,  that  the  one  thinks  California  will  in  time  yield 
real  Californians,  while  the  other  looks  for  "real  ducks." 
The  plirases  arc  equivalent,  perhaps.  But  I  imagine  that 
Emerson  would  scarcely  have  written  as  he  did  in  1S55,  had 
he  thouglit  that  the  Atlantic  would  say  so  nearly  the  same 
thing  in  1873.  What  was  tiue  tlien  is  not  true  now,  how- 
ever. The  propliecy  of  the  Sage  of  Concord  is  fullillcd — 
more  than  fulfilled.  California  has  produced  whales,  wliales 
that  yield  oil,  whales  that  are  caught  and  minced  up  and  tried 
out  until  the  smoke  of  their  fatness  fills  the  land,  and  all  but 


542  SHOWING  SAN  FRANCISCO  TO  BE  CIVILIZED. 

the  whales  are  the  better  for  it.  As  for  ducks,  the  "  City  of 
the  Bay  "  had  a  large  sprinkling  of  "  Sydney  Ducks"  among 
her  fixed  population  at  the  first,  but  many  have  since  been 
caught  by  sudden  and  sundry  sweepings  of  the  vigilante  net, 
and  the  number  is  happily  diminishing. 

What  the  San  Francisco  of  '49  (or  the  spring  of  '50)  may 
have  been  I  do  not  know,  but  probably  Mr.  Emerson  is  right 
about  it.  But  so  far  as  the  San  Francisco  of  to-day  is  con- 
cerned, the  head  of  the  Atlantic  is  far  from  horizontal. 
That  West,  however  gorgeous,  does  not  shower  on  her  Bohe- 
mians barbaric  pearls  and  gold  and  mutton  chops.  A  hungry 
man  looking  round  for  dinners  does  not  find  waiting  tables 
miscellaneously  spread  in  "barbarous  profusion."  As  for 
"rude  adventures,"  you  can  walk  several  squares  in  San 
Francisco  after  night-fall  without  getting  knocked  on  the  head, 
and  I  wish  as  much  could  be  said  for  Brooklyn.  And  my 
reo-ard  for  the  undressed  truth  forces  the  admission  that  I 
have  seen  rapacity  for  money-getting  out  of  San  Francisco — 
Bay  in  Broad  Street,  New  York.  San  Francisco,  in  fact,  is 
very  much  like  other  cities  at  present.  It  is  each  for  him- 
eelf,  and  one  member  of  a  profession  goes  for  another  when 
opportunity  offers  with  an  avidity  equaling  anything  I  have 
ever  seen  in  a  New  England  village.  If  called  upon  for  a 
frank  expression  of  opinion,  and  guaranteed  protection  from 
the  bean-nurtured  hands  of  outraged  Puritans,  I  sbould  say 
that  San  Francisco  very  much  resembles  Boston,  the  main 
difference  that  I  can  now  recall  being  that  in  the  one  city 
people  take  their  drinks  up  stairs  in  broad  daylight,  while  in 
the  other,  they  go  down  into  a  dark  cellar  for  them. 

But  I  am  not  prepared  to  deny  that  the  "  real  Californian^ 
Bon  of  the  red  soil  and  the  blue  sky,  will  be  altogether  dif- 
ferent from"  everybody  else,  including  myself;  for  his  own 
sake  I  hope  he  will  be.  But  I  prophesy  that  \i^Q  Atlantic 
writes  about  him,  and  he  takes  things  au  serieux,  as  the  critic 
intimates  that  he  may,  the  first  aspiration  of  his  young  am- 
bition will  be  to  go  immediately  on  to  Boston  and  kill  his 
reviewer — at  least  this  would  be  his  ambition  were  he  a  "  real 


AS  REGARDS  "  CLIMATIC  INFLUENCES."  543 

Californian."     The  late  !Mr.  William  Mulligan  for  instance 
would  never  have  stood  being  called  a  "  Californian  Humor- 
ist "  more  than  once  ! 

The  fact  of  it  is,  there's  a  deal  of  bosh  -written  by  tran- 
scendental critics  about  "  climatic  influences "  on  writers. 
Take  our  own  sweet  thrush — memorialist  of  "marjorie"  but 
not  himself  a  "Daw"  by  any  manner  of  means — he  of  the 
topaz  crest  and  emerald  pinions,  for  instance;  does  he  not 
sing  of  palm  trees,  and  "syrop,"  and  spices,  and  bulbuls? 
Yet  the  while  he  is  sitting  in  Boston  Common,  and  not  on 
the  sliores  of  the  Bosphorus,  And  has  not  Swinburne, 
swaddled  and  soaked  in  the  chilling  fogs  of  England,  evolved 
warmer  verse  than  ever  sprang  into  rank  life  under  the  burn- 
ing sun  of  the  tropics?  Verily,  look  at  what  I  myself  have 
done  under  the  most  opposite  surroundings.  From  the 
embroidered  magnificence  of  this  present  essay  you  may 
fancy  me  sitting  on  a  silken  divan,  with  a  houri  on  my  left 
hand  and  a  fragrant  demijohn  of  applejohn  within  conven- 
ient reaching  distance  on  the  right.  But  the  real  truth  of 
it  is,  that  I  am  straddling  a  stool  in  a  Boonton  drug  store, 
with  nothing  around  me  more  inspiring  than  complicated 
soothing  syrups,  patent  cathartics,  and  last  Atlcmiics — the 
issue  of  last  December  month,  I  mean. 

How  it  may  be  with  the  other  gentlemen  whose  names  are 
mentioned  as  having  "  deeply  received  the  California  stamp  " 
I  am  not  prepared  to  say.  But  so  far  as  I  am  individually 
concerned,  California  contrived  to  take  all  the  stamps  I  origin- 
ally had,  in  behalf  of  several  very  laudalde  mining  enter- 
prises to  wliich  it  was  my  blessed  privilege  to  contribute — 
and  I  never  received  any  from  lier  in  return  worth  speaking 
of. 

I  may  be  over  sensitive,  perhaps,  as  regards  the  classifica- 
tion put  upon  me.  But  turn  the  thing  about  and  take  tlie 
Other  end  of  it  for  a  change.  Suppose  that  I  were  to  sit  me 
down  and  write  an  elaborate  treatise  on  the  Italian  poets — 
Dante,  Boccaccio,  and  all  the  rest,  among  tliem  mentioning 
the  editor  of  the  Atlantic,  putting  him  in,  too,  with  a  large 


544  WHY  NOT  "THE  FEEJEE  FUNNY  MAN?" 

P  over  liim — how  would  he  like  that  ?  I  have  never  called 
him  an  Italian  Poet — never  said  that  he  was  a  Poet  at  all, 
not  even  a  writer  of  macaronic  verses,  if  I  remember  rightly. 
Yet  he  was  a  resident  of  Italy  much  longer  than  I  was  of 
San  Francisco.  Still  I  do  not  see  that  for  a  four  years'  so- 
journ in  Venice  I  should  set  him  up  as  a  Venetian  Blind, 
notwithstanding  that  he  has  never  seemed  to  see  the  value  of 
my  contributions  very  clearly. 

Nordhoff  spent  some  time  in  California  writing  about  agri- 
culture. I  suppose  the  Atlantic,  the  first  opportunity  it  has 
to  say  anything  about  California  Farmers,  will  refer  to 
Charles  Nordhoff  as  a  representative  one,  and  fling  a  large 
F  over  his  familiar  figure  by  way  of  making  him  readily 
recognizable. 

Nearly  four  years  of  my  early  life  were  spent — or  mis- 
spent— on  a  whale-ship,  alternating  between  the  South  Seas 
and  the  Arctic  regions.  Why  not  pass  me  down  to  posterity 
as  the  Feejee  Funny  Man,  or  the  Esquimaux  Prose-writer? 
This  would  be  nearer  the  correct  size  of  it,  I  fancy.  And 
then  something  might  be  written  about  the  "  shaping  influ- 
ences" of  compressing  the  head  by  lashing  a  board  on  the 
top  of  it,  after  the  fashion  practiced  by  some  tribes  of  in- 
genious aborigines ;  something  might  be  said  of  my  having 
"deeply  received  the  Feejee  stamp" — which  would  be  liter- 
ally true,  indeed,  as  I  have  some  very  choice  tattooing  about 
me  to  shoAv  for  it.  Or  the  stimulus  which  a  dissipation  upon 
train-oil  exerts  upon  the  brain  might  be  gracefully  discussed ; 
the  critic  if  facetiously  inclined,  and  feeling  "his  want  of 
relevance  to  surrounding  conditions  "  at  that  particular  time — 
which  I  take  it  is  the  reviewer's  mild  way  of  intimating  that 
some  one  is  drunk — might  remark  that  my  codexes  smelt  of 
the  midnight  oil. 

To  return  now  to  the  Cal'ifornian.  I  was — and  am — 
rather  proud  of  that  paper.  It  represented  considerable  of 
my  money  and  a  good  deal  of  my  time,  for  all  of  wliich  I 
had  nothing  else  to  show.  To  the  Californian,  under  my 
management,  many  who  have   since  obtained  wide-spread 


CONCERNING  "  THE  CALIFORNIAN."  545 

reputations  contributed,  cand  it  was  called  considerable  of  a 
paper — to  be  published  so  far  away  from  Boston.  True,  the 
contributors  never  received  much  pay  for  their  work,  and  no 
flattering  inducement  of  more  was  ever  held  out  to  them, 
but  on  the  other  hand,  they  did  not  have  to  pay  anything 
for  the  privilege  of  expressing  themselves  weekly,  and  this 
was  a  blessed  immunity  which  never  fell  to  my  lot  while 
owning  the  paper.  It  has  sometimes  ocT3urred  to  me  that 
possibly  the  Calif ornian  did  something  toward  bringing  out 
the  latent  genius  of  the  Pacific  coast,  a  genius  which  has 
since  blossomed  to  such  an  extraordinary  degree  that  much 
has  been  transplanted  to  the  nutritious  soil  of  Plymouth 
Kock — a  change  more  beneficial  to  the  Kock  than  to  the 
transplanted — and  there  is  still  some  left.  But  I  do  not  re- 
member to  have  ever  heard  this  opinion  expressed  by  any 
one  else,  and  merely  throw  it  out  for  what  it  is  worth. 

Consequently,  when  it  began  to  be  published  that  Mr.  Bret 
Harte  established  the  Californian,  I  felt  in  my  own  mind 
that  he  didn't ;  but  as  that  very  clever  gentleman  never 
seemed  to  think  it  worth  while  to  defend  himself  against  the 
imputation,  I  let  the  matter  rest.  But  when  the  Every 
Saturday  Gazette,  in  an  official  biography  of  Mr.  Ilarte, 
accompanied  by  a  beautiful  portrait,  after  mentioning  a  num- 
ber ot  heroic  things  which  he  had  done  in  early  youth,  went 
on  to  say: — "Then  followed  an  unsuccessful  newspaper 
enterprise  of  his  own,  unsuccessful  commercially,  though 
the  Californian,  which  he  and  Mr.  Wcl>b  managed,  was  lively 
and  agreeable  literature,  and  merits  remembrance  for  the 
publication  of  IVfr.  llarte's  delightful  parodies,  '  Tlie  Con- 
densed Novelists'" — tlicii  T  must  acknowledge  tluit  a  wave 
of  trouble  rolled  across  my  ])eacef ul  Ijrcast. 

First,  it  wasn't  gratifying  to  be  spoken  of  as  second  fiddle 
in  mention  of  an  extended  performance  where  I  had  vigo- 
rously sawed  away  as  first,  and  was  for  sometime  nearly  the 
entire  orchestra.  Then  it  seemed  to  me  that  the  CaViforniam, 
"  merited  remembrance  "  on  some  other  accounts  tlian  l)ccauso 
of  the  clever  parodies  which  graced  its  declining  days.  My 
35 


546  THE  CALIFORNIAN  S  CONTRIBUTORS. 

cash  contributions  were  for  some  time  a  distinguishing  feature 
of  the  paper,  and  it  seemed  to  me  that  these  merited  remem- 
brance though  the  contributions  of  Mark  Twain,  Charles 
Warren  Stoddard,  Ina  Coolbrith,  Bowman,  Johns,  Eliza  A. 
Pittsinger,  Frank  Pixley,  Emilie  Lawson,  Frank  McCoppin, 
W.  C.  Ralston,  Joseph  A.  Donahue,  Bishop  Kip,  John  Sime, 
"William  Sharon,  Hall  McAllister,  and  a  number  of  other 
rather  clever  persons  and  poets,  should  be  passed  down  to 
oblivion  by  Boston. 

My  remarks  may  seem  somewhat  digressive,  but  I  wish  to 
shadow  forth  the  bare  possibility  that  literary  talent  may 
exist  in  various  quarters  of  the  world,  and  work  its  way  qui- 
etly without  Boston's  ever  suspecting  it;  and  there  seemed 
no  way  of  doing  this  more  convincingly  than  by  the  careless 
mention  of  a  few  sparks  of  genius  which  smoldered  on  and 
worried  along  in  a  smudgy  sort  of  a  fashion  for  a  good  while 
without  Boston's  finding  it  out. 

As  I  was  about  to  explain  I  started  with  an  eager  determina- 
tion to  set  the  matter  right.  Conscious  that  I  was  laying 
myself  open  to  the  imputation  of  nefarious  designs  in  hint- 
ing that  Boston  could  be  wrong  even  in  writing  of  that  about 
which  it  knew  nothing,  1  fortified  myself  with  documentary 
evidence.  "Indorsements"  of  my  claims  could  have  been 
had  from  New  York,  but  I  knew  how  little  they  would  avail 
in  the  latitude  of  Cape  Cod.  But  I  said.  Verily,  though 
they  believe  not  Moses  Taylor,  nor  the  prophets,  yet  will  they 
believe  when  Boston  speaketh,  and  accordingly  from  many 
other  notices  in  Boston  papers,  of  the  Calif orniaii' s  first 
appearance,  selected  and  submitted  the  following  from  the 
Evening  Transcrijpt : — 

"We  have  received  the  first  number  of  the  Californian,  a  weekly  journal  just 
started  in  San  Francisco,  under  the  editorial  charge  of  Mr.  Charles  H.  Webb,  a 
gentleman  well  known  to  New  York  journalism.  Mr.  Webb  was  for  several 
years  attached  to  the  editorial  staff  of  The  New  York  Times,  where  he  occupied 
the  responsible  post  of  literary  editor,  and  where  his  criticisms  were  the  object 
of  special  remark  for  their  freshness  and  piquancy.  His  new  enterprise,  the 
Californian,  bears  the  impress  of  his  editorial  skill  on  every  page.  It  is  a  hand- 
some paper  of  sixteen  pages,  about  the  size  of  The  Round  2'able  before  it  was 


AN  AFFIDAVIT  SUBMITTED.  547 

cut  down,  and  not  unlike  that  journal  in  character  and  scope.  It  is  printed 
upon  a  quality  of  paper  which  in  these  days  seems  almost  prodigally  fine.  If 
such  a  journal  can  be  sustained  in  California  it  is  certainly  a  "-ood  token  for 
the  literary  taste  of  the  land  of  gold.  At  all  events,  judging  from  the  first 
number,  no  man  is  more  capable  of  directing  its  career  in  a  successful  path  than 
its  projector  and  editor." 

Having  sent  this  on,  with  a  "  card  "  to  the  editor  setting 
forth  tlie  facts,  I  said  to  myself,  Now  justice  will  be  done 
me.  These  Boston  affidavits  will  settle  the  business,  and  in 
its  next  number  The  Every  Saturday  Gazette  will  let  itself 
out  as  follows : — 

"  We  regret  to  have  been  betrayed  into  a  misstatement  in  our  last  issue.  The 
Californian  was  not  an  unsuccessful  coiimiercial  enterprise  of  Mr.  Ilarte,  but  of 
Mr.  Webb.  We  congratulate  Mr.  Ilarte  cordially  on  this  fact,  but  do  not  exactly 
Bee  how  its  establishment  advances  Mr.  Webb  in  the  social  scale.  We  may  here 
remark,  en  passant — in  which  remark,  however,  we  are  au  serieuz — that  had  Mr. 
Webb  possessed  the  business  sagacity  indispensable  to  success  in  newspaper 
enterprises,  he  would  have  known  that  no  journal  of  a  literary  character  could 
have  been  established  or  maintained  out  of  Boston.  We  never  make  a  mistake; 
it  will  be  noticed  that  in  the  matter  of  the  statement  which  we  now  correct,  we 
were  simply  misinformed." 

"Well,  nothing  of  the  hind  was  said.  My  little  personal 
"card"  was  publi.shed,  but  newspapers  all  the  country  over 
went  on  giving  Mr.  Ilarte  the  credit  of  establishing  the  Cali- 
fornian, never  once  mentioning  me  as  the  editor  of  the  Over- 
land by  way  of  a  set-off.  If  Boston  had  only  s])okeu 
editorially,  it  would  have  settled  everything;  but  her  silence 
left  the  question  still  oj»en,'  and  none  would  give  me  the 
benelit  of  a  doubt.  By-und-I)y,  however,  I  became  used  to 
the  misstatement,  and  didn't  mind  it  much.  But  happening 
into  an  auction-room  one  day,  1  picked  up  an  English  edition 
of  Ilarte — published  l)y  a  John  Camden,  or  John  Camden 
and  Amboy,  Ilottcn.  Jt  was  ])rcfaced  by  a  biograjJiy  of  the 
author,  written  by  one  Bellew — a  man  who  went  to  arid  fro 
upon  the  earth  giving  readings,  I  ;irii  told.  TIerc  I  found  it 
stated,  among  other  worthy  and  heroic  acts  of  ]\Ir.  Ilarte, 
that  "he  established  a  newspaper  of  his  own  in  San  Fran- 
cisco called  the  CaliforJiiiin,  in  Mhich  he  was  assi&ted  by  a 


548  ALLUDED  TO  AS  "A  MR.  WELBY." 

Mr.  TF^Jy."  This  was  the  crowning  ontrage,  and  I  rushed 
off  to  Boonton  to  beg  of  my  friend  Harte,  who  was  reported 
to  be  residing  in  l^ew  Jersey,  that  if  it  was  his  habit  to 
furnish  biographers  with  data,  he  would  write  my  name  plainly 
in  the  future,  so  that  under  no  circumstances  could  they  shield 
themselves  from  my  just  fury  if  they  printed  it  "  Welby," 
in  consideration  of  which  kindness  I  wouldn't  care  a  cent 
whom  they  set  up  as  founder  or  founderer  of  the  Calif or- 
nian.  Also  to  explain  that,  though  he  might  permit  his 
publishers  and  other  evil-disposed  persons  to  hack  away  at 
his  life  on  their  own  hook,  I  should  defend  mine  to  the  last 
gasp  if  they  attempted  it  in  the  same  connection.  But  on 
getting  to  Boonton,  I  was  confronted  by  the  Atlantic,  and  as 
has  already  been  set  forth,  in  my  new  indignation  I  forgave 
the  foreigner  who  trumpeted  me  forth  as  "  a  Mr.  Welby." 

In  conclusion  1  simply  wish  to  point  the  moral  that  noth- 
ing is  easier  than  not  to  write  about  a  man  or  a  thing  if  you 
don't  know  anything  about  him  or  it.  It  is  always  easy  to 
leave  Welby  enough  alone.  And  not  even  a  born  Bostonian 
can  dive  down  into  the  interior  of  his  Chance  Acquaintance 
and  prophesy  why  they  did  this  or  how  that  came  to  be  done. 
As  for  "surrounding  conditions,"  no  one  can  bet  on  them. 
It  would  be  absurd  for  any  critic,  for  instance,  to  attempt  to 
trace  the  sweet  influences  of  even  a  single  Boston  bean 
in  the  charming  pages  of  "  Their  Wedding  Journey."  When 
I  shake  hands  reverently,  and  with  a  saving  sense  of  my 
own  grotesqueness,  with  the  Coryphaei  of  Cape  Cod,  and 
notice  that  they  are  lame  about  the  arms,  I  imagine  that  it 
comes  of  excessive  literary  labor  and  not  from  patting  each 
other  on  the  back.  It  would  be  unfair  for  me  to  assume  that 
their  shoulder-joints  were  in  a  clironic  state  of  dislocation 
from  reaching  up  to  pat  us  fellows  on  the  head  who  do  not 
live  in  Boston.  All  assumptions  indeed  are  unfair  unless  one 
has  positive  reasons  for  them.  I  also  wish  to  make  it  plain,  if 
1  have  not  already  projected  my  meaning  clearly  on  the  wall, 
that  at  a  bald-headed  period  of  middle  life  one  does  not  care 
to  be  held  up  as  a  "young  writer"  molded  in  style  by  the 


IT  I'LL  DO  IF  THEY  DON'T  LEAVE  ME  ALONE.    549 

barbaric  influences  of  a  civilized  city  in  which  he  spent  three 
unprofitable  years. 

As  a  writer  of  English,  poor  and  undefiled — I  suppose  I 
occupy  the  same  position  that  I  did  thirty  or  forty  years  ao-o 
except  that  of  late  I  have  confined  myself  more  to  finance 
and  theology,  and  coruscate  modestly  over  a  no7n  de  ])lume. 
But  I  warn  Boston,  that  if  she  keeps  up  her  persecution  of 
me,  I'll  be  revenged  on  her  before  I've  done  with  it— even 
if  I  have  to  go  and  live  there.  Rough  on  the  subscriber  as 
that  might  be,  it  would  efiectually  finish  Boston. 


CHAPTER  LXXIII. 

DEACON  BROWN — ^A   DIALETIC    EXCUSE   FOE   A   GOOD   MAN. 

IT'S  Dkacon  Brown  yer  askin'  about? 
He  haint  been  round  fur  a  year ; 
They  planted  him  last  kibbage  time, 

Which  is  why  he  isn't  here. 
Fur  p'raps  ye've  obsarved  as  a  gin'ral  thing 

Thet  this  livin'  under  ground 
Fur  a  year  or  two  don't  make  one  feel 
Pretty  much  like  sloshin'  round. 

His  kerricter,  eh  ?     What,  old  Deac.  Brown  ? 

Well,  I'm  ruther  'shamed  to  say 
Thet  he  wan't  much  the  sort  o'  saint 

Sot  up  by  Harte  and  Hay. 
He  never  cussed  in  his  nat'ral  life — 

I  mention  this  with  consarn — 
He  didn't  know  how,  though  he  might  a  know'd 

Ef  he  hed  a  cared  ter  larn. 

But  it  makes  it  rough  fur  the  chap  thet  gets 

The  writin'  of  his  biog., 
To  hev  ter  confess  he's  a  slingin'  ink 

Over  sich  a  bump  on  a  log. 
Who  didn't  amount  to  shucks  in  a  row, 

Who  never  war  out  on  a  tear, 
And  fur  tacklin'  a  neat  little  game  of  "  draw," 

Couldn't  tell  a  full  from  a  pair. 

Fur  the  Deac.  jest  war  a  common  cuss 

C  the  most   ornariest  kind, 
Who  never  looked  out  o'  the  winder  o'  sin. 

And  dursn't  raise  a  blind. 
Ye've  no  idee  how  parvarse  he  was, 

I've  hearn  him  remark — this  limb ! 
Thet  though  he  war  raised  in  a  Christian  land, 

One  wife  war  enough  fur  him. 

550 


DEACON  BROWN.  551 

His  canal -boat  one' t— it  was  yers  ago, 

When  drivers  both  druv  and  steered — 
Run  agin  the  bank  jest  above  Penn  Yan, 

An'  some  o'  the  help  got  skeer'd. 
The  Pilot  sot  in  the  ingin-room, 

And  helt  his  nozzle  an'  swore. 
But  the  Deac.  spread  hisself  at  the  gang-plank 

A  handin'  the  ladies  ashore. 

P'raps  the  Deac.  ef  he'd  hed  the  rearin'  o'  some, 

Would  a  panned  out  better  that  trip  ; 
But,  considerin'  of  his  broughtens  up, 

He  didn't  quite  lose  his  grip. 
Onfortunit-like  fur  the  Deac.  an'  me. 

He'd  careful  raisin'  to  hum ; 
An'  yer  can't  'spect  much  of  a  chap,  yer  know, 

Onless  he  sprouts  from  a  slum. 

Ef  he'd  been  a  high-toned  gambolier. 

Or  the  rough  of  a  mining  camp, 
With  a  bushel  of  sin  in  his  kerricter. 

An'  a  touch  of  Sairey  Gamp. 
Or  an  injineer  or  an  injin  thar — 

Any  kind  of  a  rum-histin*  lout — 
Per'aps  he'd  a  done  some  pretty  big  thing 

Fur  me  ter  be  splurgin'  about. 

But  he  jest  plugged  on  in  a  no  'count  way, 

A  leadin'  a  good  squar  life, 
Till  the  war  kem  on— then  he  pulled  up  stakes, 

An'  said  good-bye  ter  his  wife. 
I've  heam  tell  a  grittier  man  nor  him 

In  battle  never  trod, 
An'  he  didn't  let  down  in  the  face  of  Death, 

Although  he  b'lieved  in  a  God. 

It's  queer  how  he  font  at  Fredericksburg— 

The  Deac.  jest  went  in  wet, 
A  pray'n  an'  ehoot'n,  an'  every  time 

A  fetchin'  his  man,  you  bet. 
Yet  he  wan't  Hustaincd  by  the  soothin'  thought, 

When  he  fell— October  'leventh— 
That  he'd  knock'd  spots  out  the  commandiments, 

An'  been  special  rough  on  the  seventh. 


552 


DEACON  BROWN. 

Jest  over  beyond  thet  turnip  patch, 

Some  twenty  holes  yer  kin  see, 
Thet  air  filled  by  chaps  who  went  from  here 

To  fight  'gin  Qineral  Lee. 
They  went  from  here  'bout  plantin'  time, 

They  kem  back  when  corn  was  ripe, 
An'  we  buried  'em  by  that  walnut  tree — 

All  chaps  of  the  Deacon's  stripe. 

We'll  cross  over  thar  to  the  old  man's  grave. 

And  I  guess  I'll  be  gittin'  then— 
Yer  pardin,  stranger,  I  allers  unroof 

At  the  grave  o'  that  sort  o'  men — 
I've  been  gassin'  away  promiscus  like, 

But  now  I  make  bold  ter  say, 
It  don't  foller  on  a  man's  a  sneak 

Cause  he  lives  in  a  decent  way. 

I  know  some  folks  reck'n  contrairywise, 

An'  sling  their  ink  quite  free. 
But  they  hain't  got  holt  the  right  end  on  it, 

Accordin'  to  my  idee. 
An'  thet's  why  I've  sort  o'  been  chippin'  in, 

A  pleadiu'  the  Deacon's  excuse, 
Fur  you  know  we  all  can't  be  gamblers  and  thieves. 

An'  all  women  needn't  be  loose. 


CHAPTER  LXXIY. 

THE    GREAT   DISASTER   OF  MILL  RIVER  AND  AN  ANXIOUS  NIGHT  IN 

THE    VALLEY. 

"VTO  need  to  describe  Williamsburg  as  it  was  before  the 
J-l  flood  swept  over  it  to  any  who  have  ever  passed  through 
Massachusetts  or  Connecticut,  for  to  have  seen  one  of  these 
little  manufacturing  villages  is  to  have  seen  all.  Nestling 
down  wherever  there  is  enough  water  to  turn  a  wheel,  they 
dot  the  green  banks  with  their  white  cottages,  measure  the 
pulse-beats  of  time  with  the  swifter  and  equally  regular 
throbs  of  their  ponderous  hammers,  make  the  night  as  well 
as  the  day  alive  with  the  hum  of  their  busy  industries,  and  tangle 
the  tops  of  their  tall  chimneys  in  among  church  spires.  If 
"  to  labor  is  to  pray,"  the  mingling  is  not  incongruous,  for 
the  chimney  of  a  work-shop  must  in  logical  sequence  be  very 
nearly  akin  to  a  steeple,  the  ringing  of  anvils  to  that  of 
church  bells ! 

One  who  visited  these  villages  of  the  valley  after  the 
occurrence  of  the  terrible  deluge,  for  the  first  time,  and  had 
no  former  acquaintance  with  the  locality  to  judge  by,  could 
not "  realize  "  the  change  which  that  brief,  terrible  half  hour, 
witii  the  details  of  which  all  are  familiar,  wrought.  Ho 
found,  for  instance,  naked  ai-eas  of  territory  where  nothing 
seemed  to  have  been  destroyed,  simj)ly  because  there  was  no 
evidence  to  lead  him  to  suppose  that  anything  ever  existed. 
To  mention  one  case  in  point,  a  long  reach  of  plain,  covered 
with  sand  and  boulders,  over  which  a  stream  trickled  in 
irregular  channels — he  did  not  know  that  this  waste  but  one 
day  before  was  a  fertile  meadow,  for  there  was  nothing  to 

553 


554  LITERALLY  "NOTHING  LEFT." 

show  that  it  had  not  been  as  then  was  since  the  first  flood. 
Again  picking  his  way  along  over  broken  ground,  where 
never  a  wheel  seemed  to  have  rolled,  how  was  the  stranger  to 
know  that  he  was  in  reality  threading  a  main  street,  along  the 
line  of  which  once  stood  the  usual  array  of  houses.  Even  I, 
who  should  have  been  somewhat  familiar  with  the  old  local- 
ities, having  visited  Williamsburg  four  times  within  the  year, 
stood  on  a  piece  of  low  ground — just  outside  the  village,  as  I 
supposed — over  which  the  water  had  evidently  swept,  and 
remarked  to  a  bystander  what  a  fortunate  thing  it  was  that 
no  one  had  builded  there.  lie  informed  me  that  I  was 
standing  near  the  junction  of  two  streets,  and  on  ground  once 
covered  with  houses !  Inquiring  what  some  twisted  leaden 
pipes,  which  at  odd  intervals  protruded  from  the  ground 
and  spouted  water  into  the  air  in  an  apparently  aimless  waj', 
were,  I  was  told  that  they  once  led  spring  water  into  the 
kitchens  of  houses  which  had  gone  away  from  over  them, 
and  of  which  no  other  trace  remained. 

The  devastation  has  been  compared  to  that  occasioned  by 
a  great  fire.  There  is  not  the  suggestion  even  of  a  parallel. 
Fire  leaves  vestiges  of  what  it  consumes — ashes  at  least ;  in 
the  path  of  this  fierce  flood  you  cannot  find  even  cellars,  to 
mark  where  once  substantial  dwellings  stood.  Destruction 
is  not  the  word;  annihilation  alone  can  describe  it,  and 
scarcely  adequately  at  that.  Compare  this  fearful  work  with 
that  wrought  by  a  fire,  indeed.  When  fire  comes  you  have 
something  to  fight ;  you  can  stay  and  defend  your  property 
until  the  fiames  die  out  or  the  rafters  fall  in.  When  this 
avalanche  of  water  dashed  down  upon  Williamsburg  there 
was  nothing  to  do  but  run  for  it,  and  fortunate  indeed  was 
the  father  or  mother  with  children  in  arms  that  could  run 
fast  enough  to  find  safety.  Fancy  the  swiftness  of  destruc- 
tion, when  the  bell  which  rang  to  warn  the  inhabitants  came 
near  being  whirled  from  the  belfry  and  carried  along  on  the 
crest  of  the  torrent  with  its  first  stroke  choked  upon  its  iron 
lips,  and  the  bellman  had  to  drop  the  rope  and  take  to  the 
hills!    Even  he  who  on  a  swift  horse  flew  through  the  valley 


THE  SUDDENNESS  OF  THE  CATASTROPHE.  555 

shouting  "  Flj  !  for  your  lives,  fly !"  could  not  stop  to  gather 
a  breath  or  say  to  the  wondering  dwellers  along  the  stream 
why  they  should  fly  or  where  they  should  fly  to,  for  death 
roared  at  his  horse's  heels,  and  to  pause  for  one  instant  was 
to  be  overtaken  and  overwhelmed. 

The  suddenness  and  comjjleteness  of  the  fate  which  came 
upon  Herculaneum  and  Pompeii  is  marked  by  the  bread  and 
roasted  meats  found  in  ovens.  "What  think  you  of  ovena 
with  unbaked  loaves  therein — loaves  that  did  not  even  have 
time  to  brown  before  the  fire  was  extinguished  and  both 
stove  and  kitchen  carried  into  another  village?  ]S'o  slow 
sifting  of  ashes  over  housetops  here,  as  in  the  case  of  the 
buried  cities  of  the  Campanian  Plain.  Five  minutes  did  the 
work  in  this  vallev  ! 

If  I  have  in  any  degree  made  you  understand  the  sudden- 
ness and  completeness  of  the  catastrophe  which  came  upon 
"Williamsburg  and  its  sister  hamlets,  I  have  brought  you  to 
a  point  wliicli  I  myself  scarcely  reached  after  being  person- 
ally upon  the  ground  and  having  explored  it  in  every  direc- 
tion— in  the  light  too,  which  a  visit  barely  a  week  before  the 
accident  afforded. 

Can  you  imagine  or  enter  into  the  feelings  with  which  I 
seated  myself  to  write  what  I  had  seen,  the  sensation  akin 
to  despair  of  its  accomplishment  which  came  upon  me  as  I 
contemplated  the  task  ?  I  had  been  wandering  all  the  day 
through  a  desert  where  but  yesterday,  as  it  were,  I  had  left  a 
garden ;  I  was  dwelling  amid  desolation,  and  yet  this  very 
spot  where  even  the  trees  were  now  uprooted,  when  I  before 
was  here,  blossomed  with  thrift,  was  hung  on  every  side  with 
the  ripened  fruits  of  industry.  Sad  Avomen  on  every  side 
went  al)Out  in  black,  but  of  the  bereaved  the  greater  number 
by  far  had  no  black  to  wear,  for  with  the  bereavement  came 
the  loss  of  all  that  could  enable  them  to  6yml)ulize  it  out- 
wardly. Of  friends  wliom  I  loved,  some  were  utterly  ruined  ; 
others  had  lost  what  it  would  take  them  years  to  regain. 
"Was  it  strange,  then,  that  I  took  up  my  pen  as  one  miglit  who 
dreams  that  he  but  dreams  and  is  going  to  put  upon  paper 


556  THE  WORST  FATE  OF  ALL. 

that  wliicli  he  will  find  blotted  out  on  awakening ;  to  record 
what  he  hopes  and  almost  believes  will  turn  out  to  be  but  a 
distressing  vision  which  came  with  the  night,  and  will  vanish 
with  the  day  ? 

It  was  claimed  for  a  clergyman  once,  as  a  reason  forgiving 
him  a  "  call,"  that  he  was  "  powerful  in  prayer  and  especially 
happy  at  funerals."  Now  funerals  never  were  a  source  of 
much  enjoyment  to  me,  and  the  funeral  of  several  whole  vil- 
lages at  once  I  hope  never  again  to  attend. 

My  attention  was  called  to  a  man  evidently  bearing  an 
overburdening  sorrow  about  with  him.  His  face  had  the 
restless  look  you  have  seen  on  the  faces  of  those  haunted  by 
a  great  grief,  who  go  about  with  wistful  eyes  which  seem  to 
ask  of  strangers  if  they  know  not  some  way  in  which  they 
may  turn  for  escape.  A  wife,  two  children,  and  a  home  he 
had,  and  lost  them  all  at  the  first  swoop  of  the  torrent.  Yet 
another  man,  superintendent  of  one  of  the  mills,  perished  in 
the  flood,  with  his  wife  and  three  children.  I  have  seen  this 
alluded  to  as  "  the  most  dreadful  case  of  all."  There  are 
different  ways  of  viewing  things.  Not  so  dreadful  this  to 
my  thinking,  as  the  instance  mentioned  above,  and  similar 
ones  which  I  could  recite.  Grief  remains  with  those  who 
are  left  behind,  and  when  all  are  taken  there  are  none  to 
mourn.  Anything  but  the  separation  of  families,  husband 
taken  from  wife,  wife  from  husband,  children  from  parents, 
or,  worst  of  all,  children  left  to  the  cold  fatherhood  of  a  pre- 
occupied world. 

1  have  never  been  able  to  understand  how,  in  the  face  of 
the  commonly  expressed  and  professed  belief  that  this  world 
is  one  of  sin,  and  sorrow,  and  suffering — simply  a  sort  of 
probationary  prison-house,  where  it  is  necessary  to  pass  a  few 
transitory  years  before  entering  upon  a  life  of  blissful  immor- 
tality hereafter — people  should  be  so  loth  to  quit  it  or  shrink 
back  from  the  golden  gates  and  jasper  pavements  with  the 
unmistakable  horror  they  exhibit  when  the  thing  looks  likely. 
There  are  worse  things  in  the  world  than  death — and  chief 
among  these  1  may  instance  the  fear  of  it.     Nevertheless,  as 


FREAKS  OF  THE  FLOOD. 


557 


my  personal  acquaintance  below  the  moon  is  considerably 
more  extensive  than  above  it,  1  do  not  know  that  1  am  par- 
ticularly anxious  to  have  a  new  address  put  npon  mv  cards  at 
present. 

One  of  the  freaks  of  the  flood  was  the  lifting  bodily  of 
buildings  and  moving  them  a  considerable  distance,  then  to 
set  them  down  as  squarely  as  they  were  set  on  their  original 
foundations.  In  some  instances  houses  were  protected  by 
single  trees  which  stood  in  front  of  them  ;  in  others,  the  trees 
were  torn  up  and  became  missiles  of  destruction.  In  the 
trees  which  the  flood  strewed  along  its  path  you  saw  evidence 
of  the  violence  of  the  torrent ;  huge  pines  lay  stripped  of 
their  bark  and  branches,  and  with  their  bleached  roots  twisted 
and  torn  into  splints,  might  have  been  mistaken  for  gigantic 
brooms. 

Of  the  amount  of  debris — surface  earth,  sand,  and  brush- 
wood brought  down  and  deposited — you  will  get  some  idea 
by  knowing  that  several  of  the  bodies  recovered  were  found 
buried  twenty  feet  below  these  accretions.  And  it  was  feared 
that  the  mischief  was  not  all  ended  ;  like  the  fabled  monster 
of  old,  a  flood  slays  with  its  breath,  and  malignant  fevers 
almost  invariably  follow  in  the  train  of  a  great  freshet ;  ter- 
rible, is  it  not,  to  think  that  to  sucli  a  testament  of  destruction 
there  can  still  be  a  codicil  of  death  attached ! 

The  scene  for  days  after  the  accident  reminded  one  of 
placer-mining  in  the  early  days  of  California.  In  gravel-beds 
and  in  scarred  and  seamed  gulches,  you  saw  workmen  with 
pick  and  shovel  excavating  the  saml  ;ni(l  sifting  it  carefull}', 
exhuming,  not  nuggets  of  gold,  but  metals  that  glitter  simi- 
larly— ingots  of  co])per,  and  l)rass  and  silver-plated  goods. 
But  the  mining  of  the  huge  jtiles  of  debris  at  which  men  were 
digging,  and  liewing,  and  hauling,  was  of  a  more  terrible 
character.  It  was  for  corpses  they  were  hooking.  Slninge 
that  among  the  many  dead  you  looked  in  vain  for  a  single 
one  of  the  men  who  ought  to  be. 

This  remark  may  seem  strangely  out  of  place ;  let  mc 
explain  what  1  mean   liy   it  right  here.     In    company   with 


558  THE  DAM  BUT  A  DEATH-TRAP. 

a  competent  civil  engineer,  I  visited  tlie  brolven  dam. 
The  defects  of  its  construction  were  apparent  to  the  most 
superficial  observer.  A  mud  foundation  where  there  should 
have  been  one  of  concrete,  sand  for  mortar,  where  there 
should  have  been  cement.  Too  little  money  was  set  apart 
for  its  building  in  the  first  place,  and  not  enough  of  that  went 
into  the  work.  Dams  should  be  built  with  both  money  and 
brains,  and  it  was  attempted  to  build  this  one  without  either. 
It  was  a  death-trap,  in  brief,  and  the  constructors  are  whole- 
sale murderers.  The  "  wall,"  instead  of  being  set  in  a  trench, 
as  it  is  supposed  that  all  such  dam  walls  are,  and  as  they  cer- 
tainly should  be,  was  simply  planted  on  earth  from  which 
the  surface  soil  had  been  skinned  to  a  trifling  depth,  and  on 
which  it  slid  as  a  flat-iron  might  on  a  greased  skid.  Had  as 
many  gone  to  see  it  while  building  as  have  gone  to  see  its 
ruins,  it  would  never  have  been  sufiered  to  be  built ;  it  was 
only  kept  from  falling  over  of  its  own  weight,  while  in  course 
of  erection,  by  the  embankments  of  earth  that  were  piled  up 
against  it.  The  "  masonry  wall " — what  remained  of  it,  at 
least — looked  not  unlike  the  fences  of  loose  cobble-stone 
which  you  see  piled  up  in  sections  of  country  where  decent 
stones  are  scarce,  except  that  the  interstices  were  filled  with 
sand.  I  say  sand,  for  I  dug  a  lot  of  the  stuff  out  of  the  heart 
of  the  "wall"  and  brought  away  a  handkerchief  full  of  it.  As 
for  "  cement  "  there  is  not  a  trace  of  that  nor  of  lime  in  it ; 
such  as  it  is  it  is  just  good  enough  to  stufl"  down  the  throats 
of  the  contractors  who  did  the  work,  and  good  for  nothing 
else;  and  if  any  mild  and  judicial  body  of  men  wish  to  stuff 
these  contractors  in  the  way  that  I  suggest,  I  should  be  proud 
to  lend  a  hand  to  the  work  as  well  as  a  handkerchief  full  of 
material. 

With  a  full  understanding  now  of  how  that  reservoir  was 
constructed,  may  it  not  be  taken  for  granted  that  very  few 
men  would  travel  more  than  a  thousand  miles  for  the  sake  of 
lying  down  to  peaceful  slumbers  under  two  similar  ones  ? 
Assuming  that,  the  reader  will  not  accuse  me  of  more  than 
common  cowardice  when  I  confess  to  having  spent  rather  an 


A  THREAT  STILL  HANGING  OVER  THE  TOWN.  559 

anxious  niglit  in  this  valley  a  few  days  after  the  disaster. 

In  the  first  place,  let  me  explain,  duty  and  not  curiosity 
called  me  to  the  scene  of  ruin,  and  duty  and  not  satisfaction 
at  what  I  saw  kept  me  there.  But  for  the  better  understanding 
of  my  story,  a  little  topographical  prelude  is  perhaps  neces- 
sary. ,  It  may  he  that  the  situation  of  the  streams  which 
worked  all  this  woe  is  generally  understood,  but  as  the  con- 
trary may  be  the  fact,  I  will  apply  the  old  rule  of  whist  in 
cases  of  doubt,  and  make  sure  of  the  trick  by  explaining  the 
lay  of  the  water. 

"  Mill  River,"  which  so  suddenly  leaped  into  terrible  noto- 
riety, begins  in  fact  at  the  foot  of  Williamsburg,  and  is 
formed  by  two  streams  which  there  unite.  In  the  arms  of 
the  fork,  or  "Y"  formed  by  this  junction,  Williamsburg 
lies.  The  reservoir  which  burst  fed  the  stream  that  flows 
down  on  the  left  of  the  village,  and  this  side  and  the  lower 
portion  of  the  village  it  was  that  suffered  so  terribly;  the 
upper  part  and  that  lying  along  the  banks  of  the  stream  on 
the  right  remained  intact.  This  right  wing  of  the  stream, 
on  the  banks  of  which  stand  the  post-office,  stores,  and 
principal  dwellings,  none  of  which  suffered  in  the  flood,  is 
fed  by  two  reservoirs  some  five  or  six  miles  back,  one  of 
which  was  finished  and  filled  only  last  winter.  So  3'ou  see 
there  is  still  considerable  of  a  threat  hanging  over  the 
town. 

The  lower  reservoir  is  thought  to  be  tolerably  safe,  but 
the  upper  one  was  said  to  be  another  "  sham-dam  "  water-gun, 
loaded  to  its  rubble  muzzle  with  the  most  dangerous  of  forces, 
and  its  mud  trigger  set  ever  on  the  "hair,"  modeled  in  all 
respects  after  the  pattern  of  the  one  which  shot  itself  off  so 
disastrously  a  few  days  before.  If  this  upper  piece  of  crock- 
ery cracked,  the  contents  would  of  course  empty  themselves 
upon  the  lower  one  and  carry  tliat  away  also.  Even  in  draw- 
ing the  upper  one  down  in  case  of  its  becoming  too  full,  the 
water  would  necessarily  have  to  flow  into  and  through  the 
lower  basin,  and  it  required  little  engineering  skill  to  demon- 
strate the  danger  of  this  added  volume  straining  the  dam  of 


560  APPREHENSION  EXCITED. 

the  latter  beyond  its  powers  of  resistance.  If  ever  these  two 
reservoirs  do  get  loose,  and  come  down  together,  no  reporter 
need  be  sent  to  learn  the  particulars,  for  there  will  be  no  one 
to  give  them,  and  there  will  be  neither  post-office  nor  any- 
other  general  source  of  information  to  inquire  at ! 

So  you  see  how  artfully  the  ingenious  inventors  of  these 
hydraulic  infernal  machines  planned.  They  made  a  double- 
barreled  water-gun  of  it,  a  breech-loader  at  that,  with  a  sort 
of  supplementary  chamber  back,  and  brought  it  to  bear  point 
blank  on  the  village,  so  that  if  one  barrel  didn't  do  the  work 
clean  enough  to  suit  them,  they  could  let  off  the  other  one 
and  so  i*ake  what  remained. 

As  already  remarked,  I  was  domiciled  in  "Williamsburg. 
Wet  weather  came  amain ;  the  greater  part  of  one  night,  the 
whole  of  the  next  day,  and  all  of  the  night  of  which  I  write, 
the  rain  had  fallen  in  torrents;  swash,  swash,  swash ;  there 
was  no  "  let  up  "  to  it,  and  the  right  wing  of  our  mill  power 
began  to  make  itself  heard.  When  rains  fall  in  that  part  of 
the  country,  a  good  many  mountains  lend  their  sloj^ing  shoul- 
ders to  the  work  of  inundation,  and  streams  rise  pretty  fast. 
The  facts  which  I  have  recited  concerning  the  construction 
of  the  dam  were  familiar  to  the  remaining  residents  of  the 
village,  and  they  knew  by  a  pi-actical  demonstration  what 
water  can  do  when  it  bursts  its  chains ;  so  you  can  readily  see 
that  I  do  not  exceed  the  bounds  of  belief  when  I  say  that 
we  had  rather  an  anxious  night  of  it.  You  will  understand 
how  women,  sick  on  their  backs  from  the  nervous  excitement 
of  the  last  few  days,  and  knowing  that  they  were  unable  to 
make  a  run  for  it  if  running  became  necessary,  tossed  on 
uneasy  pillows  and  moaned  to  equally  alarmed  husbands — 
though  they  dared  not  confess  alarm  for  their  wives'  sakes — 
a  wish  that  the  rain  would  cease.  For  the  swash,  swash, 
swash,  became  monotonous  after  a  while.  And  all  women 
are  not  sufficiently  trusting  to  believe  there  is  no  danger  sim- 
ply because  men  assure  them  there  is  not,  if  they  happen  to 
know  that  a  loaded  blunderbus,  with  more  blunder  about  it 
than  buss,  is  pointed  directly  at  their  heads,  and  cocked  and 
primed  for  quick  work  of  it. 


TH^  PRECAUTIONS  TAKEN".  561 

Teams  were  busy  long  into  the  night  getting  goods  out  of 
the  stores  and  hauling  them  to  places  of  safety  by  lantern- 
light.  A  prudent  man  foreseeth  the  evil  and  gets  out  of  the 
way,  but  the  simple  stay  where  they  are  and  get  swamped! 
I  did  my  part  of  the  good  work,  and  lied  to  the  ladies  with 
the  ease  which  comes  of  long  experience,  telling  them  that 
the  men  across  the  way  were  simply  getting  in  the  supplies 
for  the  destitute  that  had  just  arrived  from  charitable  towns 
by  the  evening  train — which  they  knew  would  not  be  due 
for  an  hour.  This,  of  course,  relieved  their  fears,  and  made 
them  feel  quite  certain  that  any  other  statement  or  assurance 
of  safety  that  I  ventured  to  give  might  be  relied  on  with 
equal  confidence. 

Ko  precaution  was  neglected.  Double  guards  were  put  on 
duty  at  the  water -col  umbiads  above,  to  watch  the  unstable 
cobble-stones  about  the  muzzles  and  give  tim.ely  notice  of  the 
first  wiggle  of  the  treacherous  triggers,  and  men  with  relays 
of  ready-bridled  horses  were  stationed  along  the  road  lead- 
ing down  to  the  village,  at  intervals  of  a  half  mile  or  so, 
that  they  might  mount  at  the  first  alarm  and  pass  the  warn- 
ing signal  on  from  one  to  another.  Torches  and  lanterns 
were  made  ready  and  placed  where  they  could  be  had  and 
lighted  at  a  monient's  notice ;  no  precaution  which  could  be 
thought  of  was  neglected,  and  then  there  was  nothing  else  to 
do  but  to  sit  up  or  lie  down  and  wait  for  the  next  thing  to 
turn  up — at  least  that  was  what  M'e  did  at  the  Hotel  de 
James.  The  people  of  the  two  other  hotels  and  occupants 
of  the  houses  lower  down  eflTected  a  very  general  cliange  of 
base,  leaving  their  own  quarters  and  seeking  shelter  in  houses 
on  the  hills,  some  even  camping  out  in  the  rain.  This  latter 
is  an  innovation  in  housekeeping,  to  which  I  could  not  bring 
myself  under  any  stress  of  circumstances,  and  especially  do 
I  consider  it  the  part  of  prudence,  if  a  flood  is  expected,  to 
avoid  wetting  one's  clothes  before  the  water  comes.  You 
will  ]iardon  me  if  I  remark  in  this  connection,  that  I  never 
did  like  water  anyway,  and  that  my  prejudices  against  it  in 
the  future  will  be  greater  than  ever  before. 
36 


562  RATHER  NERVOUS  THROUGH  THE  NIGHT. 

By  way  of  putting  in  my  time  profitably  and  pleasantly,  I 
sat  down  the  moment  I  determined  to  sit  np,  and  wrote  a 
long  and  interesting  narrative  of  my  observations  and  impres- 
sions during  the  day  and  the  day  before  for  the  Great  Moral 
Organ,  while  my  host  lay  down  on  the  sofa,  with  his  boots 
on,  to  think  over  a  little  business  that  lay  on  his  mind,  and, 
fatigued  by  the  incessant  work  of  the  week,  he  was  soon 
boring  pump  logs  at  an  excellent  rate  of  speed.  It  was  not 
his  wish  to  alarm  anybody  by  seeming  to  sit  up,  premeditatedly, 
but  I  think  his  wife  remarked,  incidentally,  that  she  had 
always  observed  that  men  could  think  about  business  better 
by  lying  down  with  boots  on.  I  did  not  take  off  my  shoes 
for  the  simple  reason  that  I  did  not  happen  to  bring  a  button- 
hook along  with  me,  and  any  one  with  experience  will  bear 
me  out  in  the  assertion  that  it  is  extremely  inconvenient  to 
button  up  one's  gaiters  with  one's  lingers,  or  even  with  a  hair- 
pin. And  who  would  want  to  wade  over  rocky  bottoms 
barefoot  ?  AVhen  I  finally  laid  down  it  was  on  the  outside  of 
the  bed,  and  with  my  clothes  on,  for  I  never  did  like  to  have 
to  dress  in  a  hurry. 

But  when  I  turned  out  at  my  usual  hour  of  five  next  morn- 
ing, for  a  snifi"  of  morning  air  and  to  see  how  things  were 
working,  the  m.orning  had  broken  fair  and  beautiful,  and  the 
dam  hadn't ;  the  swash,  swash,  swash  of  the  rain  had  ceased 
at  last,  and  not  a  drop  was  falling,  though  the  river  was ;  the 
glorious  sun  looked  down  on  the  post-oftice  over  the  way, 
which  in  its  turn  looked  up  fair  and  white  in  its  integrity, 
and  seemed  rather  glad  to  be  around ;  I  certainly  was. 

Asking  a  man,  who  was  going  early  to  market  with  a  bas- 
ket on  his  arm,  if  he  felt  at  all  apprehensive  last  night,  he 
said  he  didn't  know  exactly  what  that  meant,  but  that  he  did 
certainly  feel  a  little  "  skeery."  I  then  asked  him  if  he  took 
ofi'his  boots  before  going  to  bed,  to  which  he  made  prompt 
and  graceful  answer  that  he'd  be  darned  if  he  did,  or  his  hat 
either.  So  I  guess  there  were  others  beside  my  host  and 
myself  who  had  business  to  think  about  and  didn't  bring 
their  button-hooks  along. 


WHY  I  WONT  BURROW  AT  WILLIAMSBURG.  563 

It  did  very  well  to  treat  tliis  thing  liglitly  M-lien  the  morn- 
ing had  come  and  the  rain  had  gone,  when  the  sun  was  up 
and  the  river  down.  But  there  was  certainly  good  enough 
ground  for  apprehension  during  the  niglit,  especially  in  the  light 
of  the  fearful  precedent  so  lately  furnished  ;  and  when  to  this 
you  add  the  anxiety  one  naturally  feels  when  there  are  sev- 
eral eick  women  and  many  little  children  among  his  friends, 
and  he  does  not  know  exactly  how  many  sick  women  and 
little  children  he  can  take  on  his  back  and  swim  gracefully 
and  vigorously  across  stream  with — having  never  counted  the 
number  that  he  had  on  his  back  at  any  one  time — I  think 
none  will  misinterpret  me  when  I  frankly  confess  that  fre- 
quently before  in  my  varied  experience  I  have  sat  up  all 
night,  and  felt  jollier  Nvhilo  doing  it,  but  neverfclt  better  the 
next  morning. 

All  this  occurred  sometime  ago,  and  no  further  calamity 
has  occurred  to  my  knowledge  in  that  immediate  vicinity, 
though  dams  elsewhere  have  been  bursting  in  all  directions. 
This  of  course  proves  that  there  is  no  danger  going  there. 
But  1  am  set  in  my  ways  about  some  things,  and  until  the 
water  is  let  out  from  these  reservoirs — the  charges  drawn 
from  the  guns,  so  to  speak — or  the  dams  are  examined  and 
proved  to  be  safe,  I  for  one  do  not  care  to  sleep  at  Williams- 
burg. Those  fonder  of  water  than  I  may  nightly  pitch  their 
tents  there — and  a  tent  certainly  would  have  to  be  well 
pitched  to  keep  the  inmates  dry  if  a  dam  broke  over  their 
heads — but  I  do  not  care  to  pitch  mine  quite  so  many  days' 
marches  nearer  home  ;  and  so  am  not  to  be  counted  in  as  one 
of  those  "little  pitchers,"  though  I  may  liave  "long  cars." 
And  until  I  know  whether  or  not  that  "  bowl  of  Goshen  " 
up  in  the  hills  is  liable  to  crack,  I  shall  refuse  to  accept  the 
hospitalities  of  friends  in  that  part  of  Hampshire  County.. 
For  in  my  native  Gowanns  the  level  of  the  canal  is  below  my 
cellar  floor,  and  never  was  it  known  to  rage  above  the  roofs 
or  sweep  away  any  householder  of  about  my  size  and  social 
status. 


CHAPTER  LXXy. 

TELLIKG  HOW  THE  AUTHOK  ONCE  AFFORDED  KETTLE  EUN. 

"TJSr  Virginia  all  the  little  rivers  are  called  "runs."  To  be- 
-'-  gin,  there  is  Bull  Run — famous  for  all  time — Broad  Run, 
Ram's-horn  Run,  Oak -bend  Ron :  but,  without  attempting 
to  keep  the  run  of  all  these  Runs,  let 'us  arrive  at  once  at 
Kettle  Run. 

The  spring  of  1862  found  me  a  war  correspondent,  camped 
at  Centreville,  awaiting  the  development  of  events.  The 
■jaew  Department  of  the  Rappahannock  had  just  been  created. 

In  company  with  another  correspondent  I  had  spent  a  very 
pleasant  week  there.  The  main  body  of  the  army  was 
lying  motionless  as  an  anaconda  after  a  full  meal  of  bullocks, 
and  w€  had  nothing  to  do  but  play  seven-up,  skirmish  around 
the  country  for  chickens,  and  minister  to  the  creature  com- 
forts of  the  wretched  raw-boned  horses  which  the  generosity 
of  journals  provided  for  the  convenience  of  correspondents 
in  the  held.  Strange  animals  these  same  horses  were,  and  I 
have  often  wondered  where  the  newspaper  proprietors 
picked  them  up.  On  ordinary  as  well  as  necessary  occa- 
sions, it  was  impossible  to  urge  them  out  of  a  walk ;  if  a 
cavalry  company  chanced  to  be  in  pursuit  of  you  they  would 
stumble  and  blunder  along  with  the  most  provoking  indif- 
ference to  possible  consequences ;  but  let  the  tables  be 
turned,  and  they  evinced  the  most  indecent  haste.  Their 
main  ambition  seemed  to  be  the  carrying  of  correspondents 
into  danger ;  with  that  end  in  view  they  would  sniif  the 
battle  afar  off,  and  rush  madly  forward,  breaking  down  the 
moment  they  got  faii'ly  on  the  ground,  and  leaving  their 

564 


VIRGINIA  WEATHER. 


565 


riders,  whose  pens  were  mnch  mightier  than  their  swords,  to 
bear  the  shock  of  contending  squadrons. 

One  Sunday,  however,  my  companion  and  myself  were 
aroused  from  our  dolce  far  niente — not  by  sweet  tintinnabu- 
lations, for  the  sound  of  the  church-going  bell  was  not  then 
heard  in  Virginia,  the  tradition  being  that  all  the«bells  had 
been  recast  into  cannon — but  by  rumors  of  action  and  ac- 
tions, for  "  the  blood-red  blossom  of  war  with  a  heart  of 
fire,"  which  had  so  long  promised  fruition,  was  about  to 
burst  into  full  flower  on  the  banks  of  the  Eappahaimock, 
and  it  was  necessary  for  us  to  respond  to  the  call.  Follow- 
ing the  kettle-drum  brought  us  to  Kettle  Run, 

Tlie  reputation  of  Virginia  for  prudent  and  pleasant 
weather  had  already  been  seriously  compromised,  but  on  this 
day  Virginia  lost  her  character  forever.  Eain,  hail,  and 
snow  fell  alternately,  producing  a  state  of  things  which  no 
contractor  can  ever  achieve  in  the  streets  of  any  city  Mhich 
he  may  agree  to  clean.  But  uninviting  as  the  jjrospect 
appeared,  correspondejits  need  must  ride  when  duty  drives, 
and  we  set  out  on  our  forlorn  journey. 

However  antagonistic  journals  may  be  in  principles  and 
politics,  hoM'ever  they  may  abuse  each  other  in  public,  tliose 
who  furnish  the  thunder  generally  meet  in  private  on  the 
friendliest  footing,  and  interchange  courtesies  and  confi- 
dences with  a  heartiness  that  would  astonish  the  outside 
world  of  readers.  Breasting  the  sleet  with  ponchos  di-awu 
snugly  round  our  chins,  and  beguiling  the  tedious  hours  with 
conversation  as  cheerful  and  pleasant  as  our  tightly-set  teeth 
would  allow,  my  companion  and  I  rode  over  the  sacred  and 
swimming  soil,  while  our  horses  jdodded  along,  side  by  side, 
voiceless  and  mute — not  that  they  had  any  prejudice  against 
each  otlier  (»n  account  of  ])cing  in  the  employ  of  dilTerent 
newspapers,  1  fancy,  but  simply  for  want  of  a  coniinnn  lan- 
guage. It  is  ratlier  to  be  regretted  that  the  vernacular  of 
horses  consists  sim])ly  of  a  neigh,  neigh,  without  a  mrres- 
ponding  and  alternating  yea,  yea,  since  otherwise  they  could 
directly  express  that  mutual  good  feeling  which   they  now 


566  ARRIVAL  AT  KETTLE  RUN. 

can  only  manifest  by  sharing  each  other's  oats,  clinking  their 
bridle-bits  together,  and  hobnobbing  over  hay. 

Arrived  at  Manassas — everybody  once  knew  where  Man- 
assas was — we  learned  that  the  swollen  streams  had  over- 
flowed their  natural  barriers  and  borne  away  bridges  and 
fences  upon  their  broadened  bosoms  as  triumphal  badges. 
But  there  was  no  resource  other  than  to  I'ide  on.  Aside 
from  the  urgings  of  duty,  the  unfortunate  country  around 
oifered  entertainment  for  neither  man  nor  beast.  Literally 
there  was  no  shelter,  neither  for  the  crown  of  the  head  nor 
the  sole  of  the  foot ;  it  was  emphatically  a  critical  corner, 
and  the  stern  police  of  necessity  admonished  us  in  peremptory 
tones  to  "move  on." 

About  three  miles  from  Manassas — oh  !  how  long  those 
three  miles  were — w^e  encountered  the  stream  known  as  Ket- 
tle Run.  Bivouacking  on  its  borders  were  a  number  of  bat- 
teries and  several  companies  of  cavalry,  which  feared  to 
plunge  in,  accoutred  as  they  M'ere,  and  attempt  a  crossing. 
We  had  several  old  and  intimate  friends  among  the  oflieers, 
but  not  one  offered  us  shelter  for  the  night,  though  several 
kindly  volunteered  to  show  us  the  ford.  Kettle  Bun,  indeed ; 
here  was  a  pretty  kettle  of  fish  !  The  snow  was  fast  falling, 
the  sliades  of  night  had  already  fallen,  the  Mild  Bun  was  run- 
ning riot,  level  with  its  banks — a  wide  and  white  swirl  of 
waters  was  before  us.  This  we  saw,  only  this,  and  nothing 
more.  We  certainly  had  no  desire  to  display  individual 
heroism  by  doing  wliat  so  many  hundred  heroes  had  not  dared 
attempt,  (and  if  unambitious  to  appear  as  a  Hero  I  was  still 
less  anxious  to  figure  as  Leander)  but  the  stream  at  least 
offered  us  a  bed,  wide  enougli  in  all  conscience  for  two,  wfiich 
was  more  hospitality  than  any  of  our  friends  on  shore  seemed 
inclined  to  extend.  In  short,  there  was  no  alternative ;  so  with 
cheerful  chirrups,  assuming  a  hilarity  if  we  had  it  not,  we 
approached  the  brink.  Our  horses  were  singularly  averse  to 
the  enterprise,  hinting  by  gentle  snorts,  expressive  of  distaste 
and  indignation,  that  they  were  not  fishes ;  but,  remorseless 
and  determined  we  urged  them  on,  quieting  their  constitu- 


RIVER  HORSES. 


567 


tional  and  conscientious  scruples  by  spirited  applications  of 
whip  and  spur  and  the  vociferation  of  wild  shouts.  They 
obeyed ;  but  would  to  heaven  they  had  refused  !  Scarce  had 
my  horse  left  the  bank  when,  rushing  with  the  velocity  of  a 
mill-race,  the  stream  lifted  him  bodily  from  his  feet  and  bore 
him  into  a  maelstrom  dark  and  dreadful  as  Charybdis,  where 
like  Ixions  of  the  deep,  we  revolved  for  some  minutes  on  a 
watery  wheel — the  furthest  remove  from  a  "  right  wheel " 
ever  attempted  in  the  face  of  a  friendly  force.  You  would 
have  thought  we  were  members  of  some  fresh-water  circus 
company,  performing  for  the  entertainment  of  a  sub-aqueous 
audience,  and  that  this  was  a  benefit  night.  But  however 
entertaining  the  exhibition  may  have  been  to  lookers-on,  it 
was  anything  but  fun  for  the  performers.  A  better  illustra- 
tion of  how  circumstances  alter  cases  could  not  be  desired. 
Seen  from  a  salmon's  standpoint  it  may  all  have  been  very 
fine,  and  I  have  sometimes  wished  that  I  had  a  sketch  irivinsr 
a  fish's  eye  view  of  the  scene.  At  the  time,  however,  I  am 
free  to  confess  that  any  one  could  have  liad  my  scat  who 
wanted  it. 

On  escaping  from  the  rotatory  clutch  of  the  whirlpool,  my 
horse  developed  a  peculiarity  in  6win:ming  on  the  part  of 
that  noble  animal  which  never  before  obtruded  itself  cpiite 
80  violently  on  my  notice.  Settling  down  by  his  stern  in 
the  water,  as  thougli  he  intended  to  walk  on  his  hind  legs, 
but  sagaciously  elevating  the  tip  of  his  nose  an  inch  or  two 
above  the  surface  of  the  Avater,  he  suddenly  instituted  a  series 
of  startling  and  spasmodic  struggles.  For  the  first  time  I 
learned  that  when  he  comes  down  to  srpiarc  swimming  tliis 
otherwise  unselfish  beast  is  not  at  all  solicitous  as  to  the  comfort 
and  p(jssible  fate  of  his  rider.  I  learned  too,  wliy  tliose 
singular  little  fish  we  see  in  all  well-regulated  a<]uaria,  Avliich 
wriggle  through  the  water  standing  perpendicularly  on  tlieir 
tails,  are  called  "  sea  horses."  Tlieir  attitude  isj^rcciscly  the 
one  which  my  horse  adopted.  It  was  afterwards  stated  by 
those  who  stood  u[)on  the  banks — and  volunteered  no  assist- 
ance— that  for  some  minutes  the  crown  of  a  hat  and  the  tip 


568  WE  BECOME  COLD-WATER  MEN. 

of  an  eqnine  nose  were  the  only  things  visible.  I  had  one 
mane  reliance,  however,  and  to  that  I  clnng  with  a  despera- 
tion worthy  of  a  better  hold.  Had  the  mane  proved  as 
treacherous  as  did  the  tail  of  Tarn  O'Shanter's  mare,  dire 
indeed  would  have  been  the  consequences.  But,  fortunately, 
nothing  broke. 

The  water  was  cold — a  natural  result  perhaps  of  there 
being  snow  and  ice  in  it.  Such  a  baptism  as  we  then  endured 
never  fell  to  the  lot  of  correspondent  or  convert  before,  I 
fancy.  My  teeth  chatter  at  the  very  recollection.  It  is  said 
that  at  such  critical  moments  all  the  bad  deeds  of  one's  life- 
time pass  before  one  in  rapid  review.  How  it  may  be  with 
others  I  do  not  know ;  but  the  most  prominent  impression 
on  my  mind  at  the  time  was,  that  a  leading  morning  journal 
w^as  in  imminent  danger  of  losing  either  a  correspondent  or 
a  horse — possibly  both — and  that  I  was  directly  and  person- 
ally interested  in  the  result. 

How  we  finally  extricated  ourselves  and  escaped  what  is 
sometimes  alluded  to  as  "  a  watery  grave,"  I  do  not  know, 
and  have  never  seen  any  one  else  who  could  give  a  very  clear 
account.  But  probably  the  sweet  little  cherub  that  is  said 
to  sit  up  aloft  and  watch  o'er  the  fate  of  poor  Jack  mistook 
us  for  mariners,  and  interfered  in  our  behalf.  Certain  it  is 
that  I  reached  the  shore  a  half  mile  or  so  below  where  we 
rode  in,  a  wiser  and  a  wetter  man.  Everything  in  pockets 
and  saddlebags  was  saturated — even  some  sardines  which  I 
providently  carried,  had  got  uncomfortably  wet  in  their  snug 
little  tin  boxes.  My  wallet,  which  under  ordinary  circum- 
stances would  never  attract  much  attention,  presented  itself 
then  as  an  object  of  curious  contemplation.  Free  tickets, 
complimentary  notices  of  my  last  contribution  to  periodical 
literature,  coupled  with  personal  abuse  of  the  author ;  various 
appeals  from  tailors,  some  peremptory,  some  pathetic ;  grecn- 
]t)acks — (not  many  for  not  many  had  then  issued)  a  photograph 
and  a  half-dozen  w^ithered  rose-leaves,  were  all  mingled  and 
massed  together  in  a  most  extraordinary  pulp.  Of  a  bright 
golden  tress  which  I  had  promised  to  keep  and  treasure  for- 


WE  RETIRE  FROM  THE  ARMY.  569 

ever  and  ever,  but  a  few  straggling  hairs  remained.  It 
grieved  me  to  think  that  the  hair  of  my  Annie  should  become 
a  gill  net  for  shad,  that  of  her  fair  curls  springes  to  catcli 
minnows  should  be  made  instead  of  threads  of  amber. 

A  change  of  clothing  would  have  been  highly  appreciated 
but  it  was  not  to  be  had  though  an  artillery  company  kindly 
permitted  us  to  dry  what  we  had  on  before  a  few  scattering 
embers.  Certain  am  I  that  the  lire  of  artillery  was  never 
more  graciously  encountered,  either  in  front  or  in  rear.  We 
slept  that  night  on  the  floor,  with  a  wet  blanket  over  us, 
waking  in  the  morning  coldly  moist  and  steaming  like  tea- 
kettles— a  natural  consequence  perhaps  of  having  been  steeped 
in  Kettle  Run. 

It  is  a  peculiarity  of  these  mountain  streams  that  they  fall 
quite  as  soon,  even  sooner,  than  they  rise.  Next  day  we 
forded  the  Hun  with  very  little  difficulty.  To  satisfy  my 
curiosity  more  than  my  thirst  I  scooped  up  a  little  of  the 
water  in  my  hand  while  crossing — a  flavor  of  gray-mare  was 
plainly  perceptible  to  the  taste.  It  is  little  wonder  that  after 
such  experience  with  a  run  we  declined  to  encounter  a  river, 
and  abandoned  all  thought  of  following  in  the  advance  upon 
Hichmond  by  way  of  the  James.  Had  I  concluded  to  con- 
tinue with  the  army,  I  think  I  should  have  provided  myself 
with  a  good,  steady-going,  easy -riding  duck,  a  salmon  that 
did  not  particularly  object  to  the  saddle,  a  hippopotamus 
with  a  groom  from  the  river  Nile,  or  at  least  a  few  carrier- 
fishes  to  bear  dispatches  across  streams.  Had  it  been  neces- 
sary to  cross  Kettle  Run  again  I  would  have  insisted  thattlie 
proprietors  of  the  journal  with  which  I  was  connected,  pro- 
vided me  witli  pontoons.  Death  under  fire,  was  accei)ted  as 
a  possible  chance  by  the  correspondent  who  conpcnts  to  fol- 
low an  army;  but  death  underwater  is  a  dilTerent  thing. 
And  I  never  professed  any  iutoutiou  of  dying  iu  the  "  last 
ditch." 


CHAPTER  LXXYI. 

"  POOR   CHIPS  " — AN  OCCASION  ON  WHICH  I  TOLD  A  LIE. 

KEFERENCE  has  been  made  in  a  former  chapter  to  an 
experience  on  a  whale-sliip,  in  my  early  life.  In  this 
instance  as  in  others,  I  claimed  no  honors  which  were  not 
mine  of  right.  As  a  seaman,  however,  let  it  be  understood 
that  I  was  never  an  "  ordinary  "  one.  On  the  contrary  there 
is  reason  to  suppose  that  I  was  from  the  very  outset  of  my 
career,  the  most  extraordinary  one  ever  on  record.  The 
ancient-mariner  feeling,  a  wild  impulse  to  button-hole  some- 
body and  tell  an  improbable  story  to  him,  comes  over  me 
occasionally — indeed  it  is  strong  upon  me  now.  So  if  no 
fastidious  reader  objects  I'll  hitch  up  my  trowsers  a  bit, 
after  the  manner  of  the  stage  sailor,  and  go  on  with  my 
yarn. 

"  All  hands,  ahoy  !" 
'  It  was  my  middle  watch  below.  For  a  weary  week  and 
more  we  had  been  beating  against  the  baffling  sou'  west 
winds  of  the  Cape ;  but  with  the  morning  of  this  day  came 
a  fair  northerly  wind,  and  we  were  making  the  most  of  it. 
Contrary  to  the  usual  custom  of  compliment  to  these  rough 
latitudes,  we  had  not  sent  down  our  lighter  spars  from  aloft ; 
and  so  with  the  first  breath  of  the  favorable  breeze,  were  fly- 
ing before  it  under  a  cloud  of  royals  and  stun'sails.  But  as 
the  day  grew  the  wind  freshened  ;  one  by  one  the  royals 
were  furled  and  stun'sails  sent  in,  though  our  captain,  whose 
hardihood  in  carrying  sail  had  become  proverbial,  manfully 
held  on  everything  to  the  last,  so  that  when  our  watch  left 

570 


"ALL  HANDS  TO  SHORTEN  SAIL,  AHOY  1 "  571 

the  deck  the  ship  was  staggering  under  top-gallant  sails,  top- 
sails, and  courses. 

Soon  after  going  below  we  heard  the  other  watch  setting 
jibs  and  staj-sails,  by  which  we  inferred  that  the  wind  was 
hauling  on  the  quarter.  But  I  was  drowsy  ;  the  creaking  of 
the  jib-sheet  block  overhead  was  soon  merged  in  the  chirping 
of  robins  round  the  door-way  at  home ;  in  the  rattling  cord- 
age I  heard  but  the  stir  of  autumn  leaves,  and  the  groan  ings 
of  the  strained  masts  were  to  my  retrospective  fancy  but  the 
swaying  of  nut-laden  trees  in  the  merry  woods  which  we  boys 
were  wont  to  rifle.  Thus  wrapped  in  dreams  of  the  past,  I 
lost  all  consciousness  of  the  present  until  recalled  to  a  ship's 
life  and  duty  by  the  hoarse  cry  at  the  forecastle  hatchway, 
"All  hands  to  shorten  sail,  ahoy  !" 

We  were  not  long  in  getting  on  deck,  for  a  sailor's  toilet  is 
soon  made.  He  has  no  collar  to  adjust,  no  cravat  to  tie ;  nor 
is  he  very  particular  as  to  cleansing  his  teeth  or  running  the 
point  of  a  marline-spike  round  the  rims  of  his  finger-nails, 
when  thus  hurriedly  called.  A  growl,  a  shake,  and  he  is 
dressed.  Confusion  cnongh  was  visible  and  audible  on  deck 
when  we  got  there.  It  was  "  clew  up  !"  and  "  clew  down  !" 
"let  go  halliards!"  here,  and  "start  away  sheets!"  there. 
And  well  they  might  be  starting  sheets,  for  the  wind,  fair 
when  our  watch  went  below  at  eight  bells,  had  now  hauled 
to  the  westward  and  was  blowing  a  whole  gale.  The  watch 
on  deck  had  furled  the  top-gallant  sails,  clewed  up  the  courses, 
settled  away  the  top-sails,  and  were  then  furling  the  mizzen. 
Our  watch  took  its  accustomed  station  at  the  fore.  Many 
hands  make  light  work  ;  in  a  few  seconds  the  sail  Mas  lying 
to  the  yard  in  loose  folds,  and  the  word  was  given  to  furl  it. 
After  belaying  my  clew-line,  I  stepped  to  the  halliaids  to  see 
that  they  were  set  well  taut — not  deeming  it  ncrossary  to  go 
aloft,  since  the  yard  was  already  alive  wilh  more  men  than 
could  well  work — when  the  mate,  who,  ni'\vy  his  customary 
fashion,  had  been  stamping  about  deck  and  cursing  the  whole 
crew  for  a  lubberly  set  of  land-crabs,  sung  out  to  know  who 
was  forward,     I  answered. 


5Y2  FURLING  THE  FORE  TOP-SAIL. 

«  Lay  aloft,  then,  you  Sandy,  and  see  wliy  they  don't  pick 
up  that  sail,  and  tell  me  if  you  find  any  skulkers  in  the  top." 

"  Ay,  ay,  sir !  "  and  I  sprang  cheerily  into  the  rigging. 

On  getting  into  the  top  1  found  Chips  shivering  under 
the  lee  of  the  fore-mast  head. 

"  Chips !  Chips ! "  said  I,  "  why  aren't  you  out  in  the  yard 
there  ?  The  mate  is  swearing  a  blue  streak  below,  and  if  he 
learns  of  your  being  stowed  away  here  he'll  make  you  ship 
all  sorts  of  seas ! " 

"  Oh,  Sandy  !  "  said  Chips,  "  I'm  too  weak  ;  the  wind  would 
strip  me  from  the  spar :  "and  the  tremors  that  shook  the  poor 
fellow's  frame  as  he  clung  cowering  to  the  eyes  of  the  rigging 
confinned  his  words.    • 

"Any  skulkers  there  in  the  top,  Sandy!"  shouted  the 
mate  from  below. 

"Not  a  soul,  sir!"  I  sung  out,  cheerily,  and  swinging 
myself  to  the  yard  above,  assisted  as  best  1  could  in  stowing 
the  bunt  of  the  sail ;  for,  as  I  have  before  remarked,  the  yard 
was  already  packed  with  more  men  than  could  well  work. 

It  may  have  been  a  lie  that,  but  if  no  more  aggravated 
charge  of  falsehood  be  brought  against  me  when  this  watch 
below  is  out  and  all  hands  are  summoned  to  the  great  quarter 
deck  above,  my  soul  will  rest  sufficiently  easy  with  itself  on 
the  score  of  truth.  Singular  as  it  may  seem,  I  have  told  the 
truth  very  frequently  in  my  time,  but  looking  back  I  get 
more  comfort  and  satisfaction  out  of  that  one  lie  than  out  of 
all  the  truths  ever  I  told  ! 

A  word  here  to  tell  the  reader  who  Chips  was  all  this 
while.  The  name,  you  know,  is  a  generic  one,  and  applied 
to  all  ship's  carpenters.  Sailors  are  most  sensible  godfathers, 
and  always  christen  with  an  eye  to  the  preservation  of  "  the 
unities  " — thus  the  cooper  is  known  as  Bungs,  and  the  black- 
smith as  Smut.  But  our  Chips  was  of  a  gentler  humanity 
than  the  generality  of  these  hewers  of  wood,  and,  of  course, 
a  favorite  with  the  crew.  Something  more  than  a  pun  was 
meant  when  a  frolicsome  youngster  swore  that  our  Chips  was 
of  finer  grain  than  any  that  ever  before  floated.     It  was  in 


"  AILEEN-A-ROON."  573 

the  hope  of  re-establishing  his  health,  much  impaired  by 
some  pulmonary  disease,  that  he  came  to  sea;  and  for  a  time, 
while  cruising  in  the  balmy  tropical  latitudes,  it  seemed  as 
though  his  object  would  be  attained.  The  soft,  caressing 
breezes  that  linger  in  the  courts  of  the  sun,  with  the  bewitch- 
ing nights  and  refulgent  days,  would  woo  the  weary  soul 
back,  if  any  temptation  on  earth  could,  from  the  very  verge 
of  the  grave ;  for  it  almost  seems  impossible  that  any  brighter 
heaven  can  lie  beyond. 

But  as  we  sailed  southward,  and  the  Southern  Cross  began 
to  bend  above  our  heads,  and  still  southward  until  the  Magel- 
lan Clouds  poised  themselves  over  the  royal-truck,  the  rough 
winds  and  icy  sleet  which  reveal  themselves  with  these 
wonders  proved  too  much  for  his  frail  constitution,  and 
he  failed  rapidly.  It  was  then  that  we  began  to  speak  of 
him  as  "Poor  Chips;"  and  we  spoke  thus  quite  as  much 
in  love  as  in  pity.  It  came  out  afterward  that  he  had  been 
eniraged  to  a  f^-irl  in  the  old  conntrv.  1  remember  that  often 
in  his  sleep  he  would  murmur  the  name  "  Mary  Haley  ;  "  and 
in  our  tropical  cruisings,  through  long  hours  of  the  night- 
watches,  he  would  sit  between  the  knight-heads  or  on  the 
windlass  bitts,  humming  a  song  of  which  I  can  only  remem- 
ber that  the  refrain  was  "Aileen-a-Roon." 

I  have  said  that  his  gentle  manners  and  unobtrusive  dis- 
position endeared  him  to  all  on  sliip-board.  I  should  have 
said  to  all  except  the  mate;  but  then  f(.  have  his  good-will 
was  small  credit  to  the  man  with  wliom  it  rested.  Years 
have  passed  since  I  sailed  witli  the  wretch,  but  looking  back 
through  their  intervening  vista,  I  see  him  bdni-e  me  now, 
as  then,  a  perfect  nightmare  of  meanness  and  ugliness.  His 
quarter-deck  name  was  Maxim,  hut  in  the  forecastle  he  was 
known  as  "Devil-bug."  Tall  and  snaky  in  build,  with  that 
unsightly  curvature  of  spiue  which  makes  a  slii])  what  wo 
call  "hoirired"  a  man  stooi)-shouldered,  the  villainy  of  his 
face  hedged  in  by  a  pair  of  brick-red  whiskers,  suic  no  man 
ever  lived  on  whose  whole  exterior  natnn;  wrote  "tyrant, 
coward,  and  scoundrel "  more  plainly.     11  is  arms,  long,  lean, 


574  "DEVIL-BUG,"  THE  MATE. 

and  bowed,  as  tliej  Imng  loosely  by  his  sidQ,  might  not 
inaptly  be  compared  to  a  parenthesis ;  but  it  was  a  miserable 
incident  of  a  heart  inclosed.  Indeed,  nature  seemed  aware 
that  it  was  not  worthy  of  appearing  in  the  body  of  her  work, 
and  so  inclosed  it  in  brackets — a  sort  of  postscri2:)t  to  an  ill- 
favored  sentence. 

From  the  first  he  took  a  dislike  to  Chips,  and  never 
suffered  an  opportunity  of  venting  his  spite  to  pass  unim- 
proved. He  reveled  in  that  infernal  delight  which  a  mean 
nature  ever  has  in  degrading  a  nobler  one.  Was  a  ringbolt 
to  be  scoured,  a  mast  slushed,  or  any  other  piece  of  drudgery, 
important  or  unimportant,  to  be  done,  to  Chips  it  was 
appointed.  Even  at  the  time  of  which  1  write,  in  that  rough 
weather  of  which  all  who  have  ever  sailed  around  the  Horn 
have  had  experience,  while  tlie  poor  fellow  was  so  weak  that 
in  dressing  he  had  to  steady  himself  by  laying  one  hand  on 
his  bunk,  if  not  on  deck  as  soon  as  the  others  of  the  watch, 
this  ever-to-be-execrated  Devil-bug  would  rush  into  the  fore- 
castle, shake  him  from  his  hold,  and  "freshen  his  way,"  as  he 
termed  it,  up  the  ladder  with  a  rope's  end.  Many  a  hand 
longed  on  these  occasions  to  drop  a  handspike  on  the  rascal's 
head  ;  but  discipline  prevailed,  and  his  punishment  was  not 
then. 

To  return  now  to  my  story. 

"While  on  the  top-sail  yard  I  noticed  that  the  parrel-band 
had  worked  loose,  and  notifying  the  mate,  he  ordered  me  to 
remain  and  make  it  secure.  I  detained  Chips  with  me, 
nominally  to  assist,  really,  to  keep  him  beyond  the  reach 
of  his  tormentor.  Having  finished  the  little  job  we  went 
down.  The  balance  of  the  men  were  furling  the  main- 
sail, and  I  stood  by  to  attend  their  calls  to  the  deck,  while 
Chips  busied  himself  in  coiling  up  the  loose  rigging.  At 
this  moment  the  mate  came  along  with  a  spare  gasket  in  his 
hand. 

"  Here,  you  Chips,  take  this  gasket,  and  lay  out  and  stow 
that  flvino'-iib  snujr." 

Now  this  was  merely  a  "  work-up  job,"  and  none  knew  it 


CHIPS  FALLS  FROM  THE  FLYING  JIB-BOOM.  575 

better  than  myself,  for  I  Lad  furled  the  sail  in  question  the 
eveninc;  previous,  and  at  the  mate's  order  had  taken  special 
pains  to  make  it  secure ;  moreover  it  Avas  a  task  of  no  incon- 
siderable danger  to  a  landsman  like  Chips,  as  the  ship  Avas  rear- 
ing and  plunging  in  that  fierce  head-sea  like  a  crazy  colt — 
her  jib-boom  one  moment  pointing  to  the  zenith,  the  next  to 
the  nadir,  and  describing  in  every  sweep  a  full  semi-circle. 
So  I  ventured  to  say  that  I  myself  had  furled  the  flying  jib 
before  our  watch  went  below,  had  put  extra  stops  about  it, 
and  knew  it  was  as  safe  as  ropes  could  make  it. 

"  Ah  !  "  said  the  mate,  "  since  you  are  so  fond  of  working 
your  jaw-tackle  you  can  lay  out  there  too !" 

Of  course  it  was  not  for  me  to  reply,  but  to  obey.  It  is 
the  very  gospel  of  the  sea  to  go  when  ordered,  and  taking  the 
gasket  in  my  hand  I  started  forward.  I  heard  Chips  beg  to 
be  excused  from  the  work,  alleging  that  his  legs  were  so 
weak  they  could  hardly  support  him  al)out  deck,  and  he 
feared  he  should  fall  overboard.  I  also  heard  the  rude  curse 
and  the  still  more  brutal  kick  given  him  in  reply  ;  and  the  poor 
fellow  came  crawling  out  after  me  on  the  long  spar  which 
stretched  like  a  gibbet-arm  far  over  the  water.  We  gained 
the  flying  jib-boom,  and  made  rapid  work  of  it— for  really 
there  was  nothing  of  furling  to  do  but  to  go  through  the 
form  commanded  by  tlie  mate— and  I  was  passing  the  last 
turn  of  the  gasket,  when  the  foot-rope  suddenly  slackened 
beneath  my  feet,  a  wild  cry  of  despair  rang  out  on  the  mid- 
night air,  and  I  was  alone  on  the  spar.  Looking  downward 
1  saw  Chii)8  clinging  to  a  piece  of  rigging  that  dangled  under 
the  bows.  My  God  !  I  sliall  never  forget  the  freezing  horror 
of  that  face  as,  lit  by  the  phosphorescent  glare  of  the  parted 
waters,  it  looked  upward  for  a  help  that  my  arm  was  power- 
less to  give.  Even  now  it  haunts  me  of  nights,  and  I  often 
start  from  sleep  with  the  cry  on  my  lips  which  I  then,  more 
from  instinct  than  volition,  sent  shrilling  through  the  bhip  :- 
"  Man  overboard  !  " 

A  terrible  cry  that,  to  mingle  with  the  whistling  of  tho 
gale.     For  a  moment  only  he  thus  hung.     The  Hlii])  i»lunged 


5Y6 


"AILEEN-A-ROON"  AGAIN. 


her  head  quivering  under  water,  and  when  she  again  rose, 
shaking  the  spray  from  her  hempen  mane  hke  a  drenched 
lioness,  Chips  was  gone.  One  piercing  cry  for  help  came 
from  far  to  leeward,  but  none  could  be  given.  It  would 
have  been  impossible  to  lower  a  boat  in  such  a  sea ;  and 
though  the  life-buoy  was  detached  from  the  taffrail,  it  is  not 
probable  that  any  hand  ever  rose  to  clutch  it. 

"With  us  sailors  the  name  of  Chips  became  a  "  household 
word;"  and  not  infrequently  rough  hands  would  wipe  away 
a  tear  when  the  empty  "  bunk  "  was  mentioned.  And  what 
said  the  mate  ? — that  "  the  skulking  scoundrel  had  gone  where 
he  could  '  soldier  '  forever  if  he  pleased." 

Well,  we  doubled  the  Cape  at  last,  and  gliding  along  in 
the  smooth  waters  of  the  rightly-named  Pacific,  soon  forgot 
the  hardships  through  which  we  had  so  lately  passed.  In  the 
nights  of  brimming  beauty  which  crown  the  cup  of  the  low 
latitudes,  we  drank  oblivion  to  the  manifold  horrors  of  the 
Horn.  One  night — it  was  our  larboard  watch's  middle- 
watch  on  deck — while  bowling  along  at  perhaps  seven  knots 
the  hour,  most  of  us  lounging  about  deck  in  drowsy  attitudes, 
Aileen-a-Roon  came  swelling  on  the  air  as  distinctly  as  any 
human  voice  could  give  it  utterance.  It  seemed  to  come 
from  a  little  in  advance  of  the  ship,  now  dying  away  in  plain- 
tive melody,  and  anon  rising  in  a  wild  swelling  cadence,  as 
Chips  was  wont  to  hum  it.  There  could  be  no  mistake  about 
the  tune ;  and  the  loungers,  as  by  one  accord,  sprang  to  their 
feet  to  assure  themselves  that  they  were  indeed  awake. 

"  It  comes  from  the  flying  jib-boom  end,"  said  Old  George 
Nestor,  of  the  forecastle.  "  I  knew  he  would  come  again, 
and  I  know  what  he  wants," 

"  What's  all  this  nonsense  about !  "  cried  the  mate,  angrily, 
coming  forward,  as  was  his  wont  whenever  conversation  drew 
a  group  together  on  the  forecastle :  he  was  ever  fearful  that 
the  crew  were  hatching  some  conspiracy  against  him.  He 
knew  that  he  deserved  to  be  killed,  and  was  correspondingly 
suspicious  that  some  plot  might  be  laid  to  that  end.  Perhaps, 
too,  he  saw  the  shadow  of  his  doom  beckoning  him  on. 


THE  MATi;  IS  iMISSIXa.  577 

"Chips  has  come  back  to  finish  passing  his  gasket,  sir," 
said  Old  George.  "  Listen !  Do  you  not  hear  him  out 
there  hamming  his  Aileen-a-Roon?" 

"  Ailee-a-Roon  be  d — d !  "  said  the  mate ;  "  it's  the  flying- 
jib  sheet-block  chafing  on  the  top-mast  stay.  You  didn't 
seize  that  Scotchman  on  as  I  told  you  to,  you  old  rascal. 
Look  out  for  your  watch  below  to-morrow.  I'll  soon  clap  a 
stop  on  this  ghost's  jaw  of  yours."  And,  taking  a  marline- 
spike  in  his  hand,  he  started  out  on  the  bowsprit. 

Now  let  no  reader  at  this  moment  exult  in  that  he  has 
detected  in  the  author  a  statement  that  passes  the  bounds  of 
probability.  None  better  than  myself  know  that  it  is  not 
customary  for  the  mate  of  a  ship  to  amuse  himself  by  doing 
odd  jobs  in  the  rigging  at  night ;  I  should  never  have  ven- 
tured to  invent  such  a  story.  To  have  maintained  the  usual 
custom  of  all  officers  of  his  sort,  this  mate  should  have  sent 
three  men  out  on  the  jib-boom  to  do  one  man's  work,  and 
distributed  the  rest  of  the  watch  at  the  different  mast-heads 
to  keep  a  sharp  lookout  for  land  in  the  middle  of  the  Pacific 
Ocean.  But  again  I  say,  gentlemen,  that  the  finger  of  Fate 
was  in  it ;  he  was  beckoned  on  by  his  doom,  and  followed. 
Well,  we  watched  the  mate  out,  and,  sure  enough,  when  he 
seated  himself  crosswise  on  the  spar,  the  melody  ceased. 

"  Old  Devil-bug's  right  about  the  ghost,"  said  a  merry 
younker ;  "  no  man  once  well  clear  of  this  old  hulk  would 
come  back  again  dead  or  alive !" 

No  one  gainsayed  him  ;  and,  half-ashamed  of  our  ready 
snperstition,  we  resumed  our  lounging  postures  about  the 
deck.  Time  passed  on,  and  eight  bells  was  struck.  The 
relief  watch  turned  out,  but  where  was  tlie  mate  to  ])iiss  the 
orders  of  the  night  to  his  second  ?  We  all  saw  him  go  out 
on  the  jib-1)Oom,  but  none  remembered  to  have  seen  him 
come  in.  The  second  nuxte  called  "  Mr.  Maxim  !"  so  loudly 
that  he  woke  the  captain,  but  no  Mr.  Maxim  marie  answer. 
All  hands  were  turned  ii[),  tlic  .ship  hove  to,  ami  tho  boats 
lowered  and  sent  in  all  directions,  groping  through  the  night, 
but  without  avail.  And  though  we  shortened  sail  and  cruised 
37 


578  FIGURE  IT  OUT  FOR  YOURSELVES, 

vigilantly  in  that  vicinity  for  a  week  no  tidings  came  of  the 
missing  mate. 

Old  George  shook  his  head  and  said,  "  I  told  you  so." 
The  young  sailor  never  again  laughed  at  the  credulity  of  his 
elders. 

My  story  is  done.  In  all  essential  particulars  it  is  true. 
If  you  doubt  the  assertion  of  the  author,  seek  any  one  of  the 
men  that  sailed  in  the  whale-ship  Waverly  on  her  cruise  in  '51, 
and  see  if  the  whole  yarn  does  not  have  his  corroboration.  Or, 
granting  the  main  facts,  you  may  laugh  and  say  that  I  have 
tortured  a  mere  coincidence  into  a  miracle  ;  that  the  flying- 
jib-sheet  hummed  "  Aileen-a-Roon  ;"  that  the  mate  fell  over- 
board unheeded,  and  that  the  rushing  waters  stifled  his  cry 
for  assistance.  Yery  possibly  you  are  right.  Sailors  reason 
by  feeling,  landsmen  by  induction.  But  as  none  will  dispute 
that  retribution  came  where  it  was  richly  deserved,  the  pre- 
cise manner  in  which  the  bolt  fell  is  scarcely  worthy  of  argu- 
ment. We  undoubtedly  agree  as  to  the  hand  by  which  it 
was  launched. 

I  have  told  you  of  Chips'  death,  and  what  came  of  it.  You 
can  draw  your  own  conclusions.  Certain  it  is  that  two 
women  in  New  England  wear  black — the  one  mourns  a  hus- 
band that  went  down  to  sea  and  never  returned  ;  the  other, 
a  lover. 


CHAPTER  LXXYII. 

ALL   ABOUT   THE    KING    OF   ASIIANTEE. 

MY  sympathies  seldom  go  very  far  from  Lome.  I'm  not 
given  to  w^eeping  over  the  heathen  ;  but  I  am  sorry  for 
the  King  of  Ashantee.  He  lias  three  thousand  three  hun- 
dred and  thirty-one  wives.  Now  I'd  about  as  lief  be  king  of 
a  shanty  as  of  anything  else,  but  I  don't  know  that  I'd  care 
to  undertake  to  "boss"  one  with  quite  that  number  of 
women  around  me ;  I'd  not  run  it  on  any  terms.  Not  that  I 
don't  like  woman,  for,  on  the  contrary,  I  admire  her;  from 
infancy  up  I  have  considered  her  an  institution  eminently 
worthy  of  encouragement ;  my  mother  was  a  woman  ;  all  my 
female  relatives  are  women.  In  the  pride  of  my  heart  I 
have  said,  that  the  sex  had  no  stronger  suj)])orter  than  myself; 
but  this  boast  is  not  quite  true.  The  King  of  Asbantee 
supports  three  thousand  three  hundred  and  thirty  more  than 
I  do, — he  is  probably  fonder  of  conversation  than  I  am. 

But  I  don't  envy  him  his  lot, — certainly  not  his  lot  of 
women.  It  may  all  be  well  enough  in  Ashantee,  for  they 
don't  dress  much  there;  a  feather  in  tlio  bail-,  a  cowrie  slicll 
in  the  nose,  a  modest  string  of  glass  beads,  ])erhaps,  nnd  \]\r. 
thing  is  done.  Fashion  demands  nothing  more  <»f  lur 
votaries.  Here,  however,  the  women  want  more  than  tliat — 
unreasonable  creatures.  I  question  whether  one  of  them,  in 
her  ])ampered  pride,  would  bo  satisfied  with  ^vo  feathers  in 
her  hair,  or  be  happv  with  even  hro  cowrie  shells  in  her 
nose;  and  as  for  the  necklace,  a  bead  would  probably  be 
drawn  on  the  wretch  who  should  offer  glass  ones. 

The  rent  of  a  shanty  in  Ashantee,  too,  I  take  it,  is  much 

579 


580  CHEAP  BOAKDlJSICi. 

less  than  here.  "Landlords  are  coming  down,"  write  the 
correspondents  of  country  papers.  I  believe  it.  One  conies 
down  on  me  as  often  as  the  month  rolls  round,  and  I  fancy 
it  grieves  him  to  the  quick  to  think  he  can  come  down  no 
often  er.  Rent,  rent,  rent!  it  meets  one  at  every  turn  in 
this  life;  nor  do  I  look  for  an  escape  from  it  beyond,  inso- 
much as  we  are  assured  that  when  the  solid  earth  has  crum- 
bled and  houses  all  are  damaged  to  an  extent  which  no  land- 
lords could  reasonably  be  expected  to  repair,  then  shall  the 
skies  be  rent. 

When  the  cost  of  living  is  taken  into  consideration,  I 
sometimes  think  'tis  a  pity  that  the  practice  of  some  foreign 
tribes — our  aforesaid  friends,  the  Ashantees,  for  instance — ■ 
for  appeasing  hunger  could  not  be  adopted  in  this  country. 
They  bind  a  board  to  the  belly,  producing  a  compression 
which  is  said  to  be  about  as  satisfactory  as  a  full  meal.  Now 
it  wouldn't  cost  much  to  board  one's  family  in  that  fashion. 
The  children  might  come  to  have  a  slab-sided  sort  of 
look,  but  one  could  spruce  them  up  for  extra  occasions. 
And  if  a  member  of  the  family  pined  on  his  board,  a  pine- 
knot  might  be  pressed  upon  him  with  excellent  effect.  I 
see  no  reason  why  the  stomach  might  not  be  "  stayed  "  after 
the  manner  adopted  by  these  ingenious  natives;  many  of 
our  ladies  use  whalebone  for  a  stay,  somewhat  similarly,  and 
seldom  have  any  appetite  to  speak  of;  is  there  any  solid 
reason  why  they  might  not  switch  off  upon  wood  to  equally 
good  purpose  ? 

Another  thing  which  I  should  think  would  trouble  the 
King  of  Ashantee  mightily  is  the  matter  of  servants.  Of 
course  he  has  to  have  six  thousand  six  hundred  and  sixty-two 
— two  for  each  of  his  wives.  Where  he  gets  them  I  can't 
imagine,  unless  he  makes  raids  on  Ireland,  or  carries  the  war 
very  far  into  Germany.  The  number  of  Bridgets  and 
Katrinas  that  we  have  had  in  our  housekeeping  experience 
is  incalculable, — the  kitchen  has  vibrated  like  a  pendulum 
between  the  two.  (That  domestics  should  be  foreign  involves 
a  contradiction  of  terms,  but  the  fact  remains.     Why  it  is, 


BRIDGET  AND  KATRIXA.  581 

perhaps  some  of  our  political  economists  can  explain.)  "W"e 
find  some  minor  points  of  difference  between  the  nationalties, 
but  the  general  result  is  about  the  same.  Bridget  is  ready 
and  willing, — her  readiness  to  take  offence  and  her  willing- 
ness to  undertake  the  performance  of  culinary'  operations 
of  which  she  is  totally  ignorant,  pass  comprehension.  If 
you  asked  her  could  she  cook  an  elephant  properly,  her 
reply  Avould  be : — 

"Shure  yis,  it's  many  of  thim    I    cooked    in    the  ould 
counthry." 

I'd  try  her  with  an  elephant  some  day  were  it  not  morally 
certain  that  we'd  have  to  eat  it  without  remonstrance  or  be 
discharged  on  the  spot.  Katrina,  on  the  other  hand,  is 
slow  and  sure, — we  find  her  slow  to  comprehend  what  we 
want  done,  and  sure  to  do  the  very  thing  she  has  been 
carefully  enjoined  against  doing.  We  are  looking  with 
hopeful  eyes  to  the  speedy  introduction  of  Chinese  labor. 
As  a  cook  we  imagine  that  Ah  Sin  can  mind  his  pease,  and 
at  the  same  time  be  not  inattentive  to  his  own  queue.  We 
specially  bid  our  maid  servants  to  bind  their  hair,  but  they 
are  careless  with  it,  and  "free-floating  hair"  loses  its  charm 
to  the  eye  when  found  floating  in  the  soup.  What  M-ages  the 
Mono-olian  will  demand  on  this  coast  I  do  not  know,  but  on 
the  Paciflc  lie  is  moderate  enough.  If  all  accounts  are  to  be 
credited,  in  California  the  wages  of  Ah  Sin  is  death  ! 

'I  should  like  to  have  the  opinion  of  the  King  of  Ashantee 
on  Art;  I  have  a  couple  of  pictures  which  I  sliould  like  to 
dispose  of  to  him;  they  would  please  liis  wives.  I  seldom 
appear  as  a  patron  of  Art,  but  tlie  t-Cle  has  lately  fallen  to 
me.  It  happened  in  this  wise— if  the  transaction  can  be 
called  wise.  I  chanced  to  be  in  a  down-town  oflice  when  a 
dealer  in  pictures  came  in  ;  he  had  a  large  one  wliich  he 
wislicd  to  dispose  of,  but  the  boys  chaffed  him,  and  he  left 
with  the  sarcastic  remark  that  'twa:^  evident  there  were  no 
"connyseers  "  there.  This  touched  my  jiride,  it  wounded 
me.  Soon  after  another  itinerant  came  in,  with  two  pictures 
which  he  himself  painted.     He  was  in  need  of  money,  and 


582  A  PURCHASE  OF  PICTURES. 

would  sell  them  for  little  more  than  the  frames  cost  him.  A 
gentleman  inquired  what  this  might  be,  and  he  replied  twenty 
dollars  each  ;  he  would  sell  the  pictures  for  one  hundred,  and 
he  proceeded  to  place  them  in  what  he  considered  a  good 
lio-ht.  The  same  gentleman  who  had  spoken  before  remarked 
that,  incredible  as  the  statement  might  seem,  such  was  the 
tightness  of  the  times,  he  would  not  give  twenty  dollars  for 
the  two.  There  was  a  look  of  injured  feeling  in  the  artist's 
eye,  and  I,  simply  with  an  idea  of  restoring  his  self-respect, 
remarked  that /would  do  better  than  that,— I  would  give 
twenty-five. 

The  artist's  face  lighted  up  at  once  with  an  expression 
of  malignant  triumph.  "  They  are  yours,  sir,"  he  said.  There 
was  no  dickering  about  it,  and  no  back-door,  unfortunately,  to 
the  office;  he  held  out  his  hand  for  the  money.  Nothing 
remained  for  it  but  to  pay  the  money.  Hiring  a  small  boy 
to  carry  them  up  town,  and  hoping  he  couldn't  find  the  way 
to  the  house,  I  attached  a  cai-d  to  them,  on  which  1  wrote  a 
line,  informing  Mrs.  Paul  that  after  long  pondering  as  to 
what  I  should  give  her  for  a  Christmas  present,  I  had  come 
to  the  conclusion  there  was  tiothingso  appropriate  as  pictures, 
&c.,  and  would  she,  &c.  When  I  returned  liome  that  eve- 
ning, I  found  them  set  out  in  the  wood-shed— Mrs.  Paul 
thought  they  wouldn't  do  much  harm  there,  and  they'd  be 
out  of  the  way.  Then  I  sent  them  to  a  friend  out  in 
Michigan  as  a  New  Year's  present.  They  came  back  in  less 
than  a  M'eek  with  a  note  from  that  yeoman,  saying  that  he 
had  no  place  on  his  walls  to  hang  them,  but  he  had  a  tree  in 
the  front  yard  which  he  thought  would  do  very  well  for  the 
artist. 

At  the  present  writing  these  works  of  art  repose  in  the 
garret,  awaiting  a  purchaser.  I  don't  want  a  profit  on 
them,  but  I  should  like  to  get  cost.  They  are  "quiet,  cool 
bits,"  landscapes,  I  believe.  One  represents  a  scene  on  the 
Hudson,  the  other  on  the  Mohawk.  Which  is  the  scene  on 
the  Hudson  and  which  is  the  one  on  the  Mohawk  I  have  not 
yet  been  able  to  decide,  nor  was  the  artist  able  to  inform  me, 


"QUIET,  COOL  BITS."  583' 

but  this  doesn't  matter  much.  Indeed,  it  rather  enhances 
their  vahie,  if  anything.  They  will  be  a  perpetual  conun- 
drum to  the  purchaser,  a  sort  of  illustrated  rebus,  which  he 
can  guess  at  his  leisure  ;  no  restrictions  are  put  upon  him ; 
having  paid  his  money  he  can  take  his  choice.  Hereafter, 
I  am  not  to  be  considered  as  a  patron  of  art,  and  it 
would  be  impossible  for  an  itinerant  to  get  a  bid  for  a  picture 
out  of  me  at  any  price.  "  Quiet,  cool  bits"  are  not  in  my 
way  since  this  bite.  I  invariably  step  out  of  the  wa}-  when 
a  dealer  comes  into  the  office,  fearful  that  the  indignant  kind- 
ling in  my  eye  may  be  mistaken  for  appreciation,  and  that 
the  wrathful  quivering  of  my  lip  may  be  construed  into  a 
bid. 


CHAPTER  LXXVIIL 

CONCERNING   THE    CEUSADE   AGAINST    DOGS,  AND   THE  DANGER  OF 

HYDROPHOBIA. 

IIIAYE  been  staying  quietly  at  home  for  a  month  or  two 
back,  letting  mad  dogs  bite  me. 

None  of  the  blame  can  be  laid  at  my  door.  I  warned 
them  faithfully,  argued  Mith  them,  told  them  it  M'as  no  man- 
ner of  use  ;  but  they  wouldn't  be  persuaded  ;  they  said  every 
one  else  had  been  taking  a  hack  at  me  for  nigh  upon  a  year 
now,  and  they  might  as  well  have  a  mouthful  as  not.  So,  as 
they  seemed  set  upon  it,  and  thought  they'd  enjoy  it,  and 
the  difference  to  me  was  trifling,  1  quietly  gave  in. 

Nineteen  dogs  bit  me  in  one  morning  before  breakfast. 

Prompt  precautions  were  taken,  no  exertions  were  spared 
on  any  side,  and  I  did  my  duty  like  a  Christian.  Night  and 
day  1  sat  up  with  those  unfortunate  dogs ;  a  mother  could 
not  have  ministered  to  her  own  step-children  more  tenderly 
than  1  did  to  them :  I  would  have  called  a  Cono'reo'ational 
Council  had  the  season  not  been  so  far  advanced ;  but  'twas 
of  no  avail.     Every  one  of  them  died  ! 

Let  me  own  right  here  that  I  respect  animals ;  yes,  that  I 
like  animals.  Perhaps,  while  about  it,  1  may  as  well  make 
a  clean  breast  and  confess  that  I  love  animals — all  animals — 
even  the  human  animal,  when  he  is  not  irredeemably  vicious ! 

When  1  remark  that  I  have  a  particular  affection  for  the 
horse,  I  expect  to  find  the  great  multitude  countenancing 
and  bearing  me  company,  for  the  horse  is  a  "useful 
animal."  None  will  gainsay  me  here.  But  perhaps  I  incline 
to  push  my  conclusions  in  this  case  further  than  most  lovers 

584 


THE  HORSE  AS  SILENT  COMPANION.  685 

even  of  the  horse  will  care  to  follow  me.  For,  weiohino-  the 
matter  well,  1  do  not  know  why  a  good  horse  sliould  rank 
lower  in  the  social  scale  than  a  good  man.  Certainly,  he 
preaches  less  and  does  more.  The  horse  cannot  talk,  it  is 
true,  but  then  I  can  instance  some  good  men  who  would  be 
much  better,  pleasanter  as  companions,  and  every  way  more 
agreeable  if  they  could  not. 

And  who  knows  but  the  horse  would  talk  were  it  made 
worth  his  while  ?  Unfortunately,  the  only  precedent  on 
record  in  which  he  made  an  effort  and  developed  talent  as 
a  controversialist,  was  scarcely  calculated  to  encourage  him 
in  that  direction.  You  perhaps  remember  that  Balaam's 
horse  opened  his  mouth  once  to  admonish  his  master,  warn- 
ing him  that  danger  and  destruction  lay  dead  ahead,  and  the 
i:>rophet  raised  his  evangelical  staff  and  beat  him  cruelly  for 
putting  an  oar  in.  Come  to  think  about  it,  I  don't  think 
Balaam's  horse  would  have  spoken  on  that  one  occasion  if  he 
had  not  been  an  ass.  Certainly  if  he  had  had  even  average 
horse-sense  lie  would  never  have  attempted  to  argue  with  a 
clergyman  who,  in  addition  to  believing  that  he  had  a  mis- 
sion, carried  a  big  club. 

Let  me  make  another  confession :  I  do  not  belong  to  that 
large  class  of  animal-lovers  who,  loving  animals,  "  hate  cats." 
That  the  cat  is  treacherous,  I  know ;  all  my  observation  of 
her  goes  to  prove  it.  She  makes  no  professions,  indulges  in 
few  demonstrations.  And  if  you  travel  far  out  of  your  way, 
to  tread  on  her  tail,  she  is  very  apt  to  set  her  back  up  contu- 
maciously and  scratch,  instead  of  innnediatel}'  going  out  to 
the  barn  and  bringing  in  one  of  licr  kittens  for  you  to  play 
with.  Punch  a  dog  in  the  eye,  on  the  other  hand,  and  the 
chances  are  that  lic'll  wag  his  tail  mimI  look  ]il(a,-((l.  All  this 
proves  that  the  cat  is  a  treacherous  animal,  and  also  establishes 
her  as  a  nearer  ajjproach  to  the  human  animal  than  the  dog 
is.  And  in  this  fact  you  have  one  reason  why  1  like  dogs 
better  than  I  do  cats. 

For,  liking  cats,  I  love  dogs — even  little  yellow  dogs. 
They  are  "  useless,"  but  what  of  that  ?     The  same  can  bo 


586        WHY  WE  SHOULD  LOVE  LITTLE  YELLOW  DOGS. 

said  of  nine  men  in  ten.  "  Usefulness  "  and  "  convenience  " 
should  never  be  mentioned  as  elements  to  be  considered  when 
love  of  animals  is  professed.  The  great  multitude  of  men 
love  their  wives  mainly  because  they  are  useful,  handy  in 
many  ways,  convenient  to  have  around;  I  do  not  say  that 
there  is  anything  wrong  in  this — the  rule  may  be  well 
enough  in  weighing  wives — but  my  affection  for  animals 
builds  itself  upon  quite  anotlier  ground ;  not  a  matter  of 
volition  at  all,  there  belongs  to  me  neither  praise  nor  blame 
for  it. 

I  love  the  little  yellow  dog  of  incidental  mention  simply 
because  he  is  one  of  the  weak  and  helpless  creatures  which 
the  Creator  of  us  all  has  committed  to  the  care  of  the 
stronger  and  more  intelligent.  And  I  never  see  a  little  yel- 
low dog  running  round  the  streets  without  feeling  deep 
down  in  my  heart  that,  but  for  circumstances  over  which 
neither  of  us  had  control,  our  respective  places  niight  be 
changed,  our  conditions  might  be  reversed  ;  and  had  they 
been,  it  is  not  clear  to  me  that  the  other  creature  would  not 
have  made  a  better  man  than  I — nor  do  I  know  that  I  would 
have  been  half  so  good  a  little  yellow  dog  as  he  is. 

As  for  this  absurd  hue  and  cry  of  "  mad  dog,"  it  is  the 
people  who  are  mad — idiotic !  In  the  cities  of  New  York 
and  Brooklyn,  with  a  million  and  a  half  of  population  (not 
counting  dogs),  how  many  deaths  can  you  lay  to  the  charge 
of  dogs  ?  If  a  man  contemplated  suicide,  how  soon  could  he 
effect  his  object  by  going  around  and  waiting  for  a  mad  dog 
to  bite  him  ?  About  as  soon  as  by  standing  in  the  street 
durino;  a  thunder  shower  and  waiting  for  lightnino-  to  strike 
him.  More  men  are  killed  in  one  day  by  bricks  falling  on 
their  heads,  than  by  dogs  in  ten  years. 

t  Afraid  of  unmuzzled  dogs !  Look  at  your  gm-mills,  loose 
all  over  town,  seizing  men  by  the  throat  on  every  corner, 
ambushed  in  every  other  cellar,  grinding  out  death  and 
damnation  from  the  rising  of  the  sun  till  its  going  down,  and 
from  its  going  down  again  until  its  rising.  Muzzle  the  gin- 
bottles,  and  sweep  the  bloated  brutes  who  launch  this  liquid 


BETTER  MUZZLE  GIN-BOTTLES  THAN  DOGS.  5S7 

death  away  from  behind  their  accursed  counters  into  some 
proper  tank  where  they  may  be  tenderly  drowned  or 
humanely  asphyxiated,  and  you  will  have  taken  a  step  in 
the  right  direction  !  Hydrophobia  is  undoubtedly  a  dreadful 
death  to  die ;  but  what  of  delirium  tremens? 

A  life  insurance  office  will  exact  no  additional  premium  of 
you  because  you  keep  a  dog-  or  a  dozen  dogs,  but  if  habitually 
given  to  drink,  it  will  refuse  you  a  j)olicy  at  all.  This 
shows  where  they  think  the  danger  lies ! 

I  merely  introduce  this  parallel  to  illustrate  the  absurdity 
of  this  sudden  access  of  popular  terror.  Thousands  die  every 
day  of  alcoholic  poison,  the  most  terrible  of  deaths,  and  not 
one  of  the  shops  which  supply  it  is  shut  up.  No  proposition 
is  heard  to  hang  a  barkeeper  ;  but  let  one  man  in  a  century 
die  of  a  dog-bite,  and  the  cry  is.  Death  to  all  dogs ! 

For  the  allaying  of  the  popular  apprehension,  I  purpose 
starting  a  Company  for  Insuring  Against  Death  l)y  Dogs. 
The  premiums  will  be  ridiculously  small ;  no  questions  Mill 
be  asked  of  the  applicant,  and  the  dividends  will  be  larger, 
if  the  public  will  but  patronize  it,  than  ever  any  insurance 
company  paid  before. 

Two  years  ago  I  was  the  unhappy  possessor  of  a  grey- 
hound. Long  and  sharp  of  nose,  like  all  long  and  sharp- 
nosed  people  he  was  cross  and  uncertain  in  temper.  One 
morning  he  didn't  feel  very  well  and  went  off  and  lay  down 
in  his  corner.  Not  having  then  learned  that  a  dog  by  any 
possibility  could  object  to  being  ])layed  with,  even  M'hen 
sleepy  and  indisposed,  I  followed  him  up  and  nibbed  noses 
with  him,  notwithstanding  that  he  gave  several  warning 
growls.  lie  grabbed  me  by  the  ear,  and  left  it  looking  like 
a  bad-conditioned  cullender.  No  excitement  about  mad  dogs 
existed  at  that  time,  but  there  was  an  immediate  commotion 
in  the  family.  As  the  first  step,  it  was  insisted  that  1  kill 
the  dog.  This  I  did  not  do,  because  if  he  were  mad  1  wanted 
to  know  it.  I  did  not  even  whi[)  him.  lor  I  llioiight  then, 
and  think  now,  that  the  dog  did  ])crfcctly  right.  If  this 
court  has  a  proper  understanding  of  it,  I'd  have  done  pretty 


588  NO  LEATHER  EAR  FOR  ME. 

much  the  same  thing  had  I  been  in  his  place.  Dogs  and 
wives  do  not  pass  the  bounds  of  reasonable  requirement  when 
they  ask  to  be  let  alone  occasionally ;  and  if  they  bit  their 
masters  oftener  and  more  savagely,  they  would  be  respected 
more,  and  their  wishes  would  be  considered  worthy  of  con- 
sultation once  in  a  while. 

On  this  occasion  I  was  cruel  to  Mrs.  Paul,  and  for  the  first 
time  in  life  refused  to  do  as  she  wished  me.  She  beijfjed 
that  I  would  send  for  the  doctor  at  once  and  have  mv  ear 
cut  off,  declaring  that  if  I  did  not  she  should  not  have  a 
moment's  peace :  a  temporary  ear  could  be  cut  out  of  calf- 
skin, she  thought,  and  sewed  on  so  nicely  that  no  one  but 
myself  would  ever  know  the  difference.  Arbitrarily,  perhaps 
brutully,  I  declined  to  gratify  her.  In  consequence  1  have 
not  yet  had  the  bliss  of  knowing  what  unspeakable  bliss  it  is 
to  bound  gayly  through  life  with  a  leather  ear.  It  may  be 
that  the  experience  is  still  destined  to  be  mine,  however,  for 
since  this  mad  dog  excitement  reached  its  present  height, 
Mrs.  Paul  frequently  asks  me  if  I  feel  no  symptoms  ;  I  cannot 
scratch  the  back  of  my  head  without  her  placing  a  bucket 
of  water  before  me  to  see  if  I  show  signs  of  bolting,  and  she 
often  advances  a  skirmish  line  of  questions,  the  drift  of 
wdiich  is  to  know  if  I  do  not  think  that  I  could  hear  all  the 
good  that  is  said  of  me  and  as  much  of  sermons  as  1  care  to, 
with  one  ear.  It  may  be  that  I'll  have  to  lay  both  ears  down 
on  the  altar  of  domestic  peace  before  the  summer  is  over. 

As  for  the  killing  of  animals,  I  have  no  sentimental  objec- 
tions on  that  score.  Indeed,  I  never  see  a  horse  staggering 
under  twice  the  burden  that  should  be  put  upon  him  that  I 
would  not  like  to  step  mercifully  up,  and,  while  patting  him 
gently  with  one  hand,  put  a  swift  and  kind  bullet  through 
his  head  with  the  other.  This  would  relieve  the  poor  animal 
from  all  injustice  and  misery,  and  perhaps  his  owner,  ascer- 
taining how  inconvenient  it  was  to  drag  his  own  dray  around, 
might  use  his  next  horse  decently,  if  ever  he  owned  one 
again.  The  poor  dogs  that  roam  the  streets,  hungrj'^  and 
homeless,  I  would  kill  in  the  most  painless  way  possible; 


WHY  NOT  KILL  ALL  USELESS  CREATURES  ?  589 

get  tlicin  all  together,  give  tliem  as  full  a  meal  as  they  could 
eat,  and  then  dismiss  them  beyond  the  reach  of  pain.  More, 
any  dog  ill  treated  by  his  master  I  would  provide  for  in  the 
same  merciful  fashion.  And  so  with  cats  and  all  other 
animals,  for  I  see  no  other  way  out  of  the  difficulty — no 
other  means  of  getting  rid  of  the  shocking  scenes  of  cruelty 
we  every  day  witness,  and,  what  is  equally  bad,  know  are 
going  on  every  day  around  ns,  whether  we  see  them  or  not. 

Interference  for  the  moment  does  no  good.  Tieprimand 
the  brute  who  is  beating  an  overloaded  horse  or  abusing  a 
dog  in  the  street,  and  you  know  that  when  he  gets  the  poor 
horse  into  his  stable  or  the  dog  into  a  cellar,  he  will  revenge 
himself  upon  you  through  them.  The  mission  of  the  Society 
for  the  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals  should  be  extended 
I  think ;  at  present  it  stops  short  of  a  proper  result.  It. 
should  be  empowered  to  seize  and  tenderly  and  kindly  kill 
all  homeless  and  ill-used  animals  of  all  kinds — even  cats. 
Yes,  I  will  not  even  exclude  human  animals  from  the  bless- 
ing of  dying  when  they  can  do  nothing  better ! 

For  if  surplus  and  useless  dogs  are  to  be  killed — which  I 
do  not  dispute  is  the  best  disposition  that  can  be  made  of 
them — why  not  dispose  of  all  surplus  and  useless  populations 
similarly?  Why  maintain  so  many  useless  human  lives  at 
such  enormous  expense  ?  The  argument  holds  as  good  in 
the  one  case  as  in  the  other.  If  dogs  are  dangerous,  what  of 
the  imemployed  criminal  classes?  You  cannot  take  up  a 
newspaper  without  finding  record  of  some  horrible  outrage 
committed  by  these  dangerous  human  animals.  Murder, 
robbery,  rapine!  How  many  men  of  all  classes  have  died  in 
Brooklyn  of  dog  bites  within  five  years  past  I  do  not  know; 
but  I  can  speak  to  a  pretty  formidable  list  of  inoH'cnsive  cit- 
izens who  have  been  knocked  on  the  head  while  quietly 
going  to  their  homes,  and  not  in  the  night  time  either. 

Are  there  no  other  "social"  or  "necessary  evils"  that 
carry  disease  and  death  in  their  train  to  tilt  against,  that 
every  lance  is  put  in  rest  and  this  sudden  slogan  goes  up 
against  the  best  friend  that  man  has  ? 


CHAPTER  LXXIX. 

WHICH    IS    OWED   TO   THE   COGGIA       COMET. 

ECCENTRIC  orb,  shot  madly  from  thy  sphere, 
Planet  without  a  plan,  dost  travel  on  thine  ear 
A  courier  out  of  place. 
Through  wide  expanse  of  space. 
Bent  on  a  bender  ? 
Known  to  be  nebulous,  indefinite,  fluctuating. 
Of  volume  vast,  but  thin ;  wide-circulating ; 

Thou  holy,  high,  translated  Legal  Tender, 
Approach,  come  nigher  ;  obliging  acquiesce, 
For  lo,  the  waiting  swell-mob  of  the  Press 
Would  fain  go  through  thee, 
And  I,  a  youth,  bald,  honest,  simple,  gushing, 

Of  poor  but  honest  parents  born — not  flush  though  born  in  Flushing- 
Am  here  to  interview  thee. 

Tell  us  thy  lineage  as  Pve  told  thee  mine — 
We  have  one  end  already  of  thy  aqueous  Line  ; 
Thy  sire, 
Coggia, 
(Thou  canst  not  read  that  rhyme  withouten  ire) 

But  tell  us  of  thy  dam  ! 

O  most  transparent,  permeable  sham, 
A  cheat  that  won't  hold  water. 
In  all  tradition  linked  with  woe  and  slaughter, 
Thou  well  mightst  be  a  son,  a  scion,  a  sliver, 
An  offspring  of  that  vile  dam  at  Mill  Kiver, 

But  no, 

That  was  not  thy  reflow, 
Yet  tell  us.  Comet,  apropos 
Of  water — thou'rt  considered  cross  and  crabbed — 
Ere  thou  com'st  nearer,  tell  us,  art  thou  rabid  ? 

Has  Sirius  bit  thee  ? 
(Sure  'tis  enough  to  puzzle  one, 
They  let  that  star  ramp  round  without  a  muzzle  on.) 


TO  THE  COMET.  591 


But  whether  mad  or  not 
Don't  dare  to  wag  thy  tail  or  thou'lt  be  shot ; 
For  our  sweet  "  stars  " — cops,  peelers,  worthy  Celts, — 
Muss  round  with  rusty  pistols  in  their  belts ; 
And,  thinking  the  more  dogs  they  kill  the  merrier, 
They  might  declare  that  thou'rt  a  mad  sky-terrier, 
And  blaze  away  and  hit  thee. 
If  so,  take  thou  a  crack. 
And  just  blaze  fiercely  back 
Until  thou  melt'st  the  lying,  mangy  pack — 

Confound  'em — 
Like  tallow  candles  down  into  their  shoes, 
Or  if  thou  burn'st  with  more  vindictive  views 
Expound  *em  ! 
This  "mad-dog"  cry — 
I  hate  the  hack  word, 
But  turn  it  round  and  spell  it  backward. 
And  it  describes  the  lie. 

If  naught's  the  matter 
With  thy  medulla  oblongata, 
Tell  us  the  chance  of  fancy  stocks  up  there ; 
What  are  the  movements  now  of  bull  and  bear? 

Do  things  all  round  look  blue? 

Is  thy  name  Daniel  Drew  ? 
That  milky  way,  where  all  the  small  stars  meet, 

Is't  there,  0  Comet,  that  thou  niilk'st  the  street? 
Aquarius  with  his  pot. 

Who  waters,  waters,  with  one  ceaseless  drip. 

And  only  rests  at  times  to  dry  his  scrip. 
Is  that  man  Saffe  or  not  ? 

Are  earnings  of  thy  railroads  ever  "  pooled?  " 

The  little  fishes,  are  they  ever  fooled  ? 

And  the  Great  Bear,  is  his  true  name  Jay  Gould  ? 
Thou  canst  not  tell  !  yes,  yes,  one  ought  to  know, 
Thou'rt  up  above — the  Board  meets  down  below  ! 

As  for  myself,  now  sitting  here  in  clover, 
And  thinking  all  tliy  oblong  niattcr  over. 
It  seems  to  me  as  well  as  rhyme  there's  reason 
To  charge  thy  coming  to  commencement  season. 
A  graduate  of  some  superior  college, 
Art  thou  not  starring  'round  to  show  thy  knowledge? 
Thou  cam'st  of  Cambridge,  one  would  surely  say, 
To  see  thee  so  look  down  nn  New  York  Bay : 

But  more  like  one  of  Yale 

Thy  strut  and  spread  of  tail. 


592  TO  THE  COMET. 

Thou  scarce  canst  be  of  Princeton  ?     No,  by  gosh! 
Such  a  rake-hell  came  not  of  good  McCosh. 
Whence  thou  com'st,  Comet,  tell  us;  tell  us  true; 
Just  name  thy  alma  mater,  meteor,  do. 
As  for  diplomas,  spare  us  if  thee  please — 
We'll  take  for  granted  all  of  thy  degrees. 

Of  this  sweet  oil  poured  o'er  thy  hoary  beard 
In  unctuous  rhyme  be  not  at  all  afeared — 
'Tis  like  that  poured  o'er  Aaron's,  rich  with  spice, 
"Which  flowed  all  down  his  garments  in  a  trice, 
And  must  have  made  him  feel  and  look  quite  nice 
What  papers  have  they  there  above  the  moon? 
In  thee  I  seem  to  see  a  glorified  Tribune, 
Shedding  a  radiance  rich  and  pure  and  sweet — 
Thy  tail,  what  is  it  but  the  triple  sheet ! 

That  tail,  0  Comet,  gives  another  text 
*        For  questions ;  ends  it  here,  complete,  convexed, 
Or  is't  "  to  be  continued  in  the  next  ?  " — 
In  the  next  world,  like  Braddon's,  Wilkie  Collins', 
And  that  curst  "Ancient  History  "  of  Rollin's, 
Which,  when  I  thought  I'd  beaten  its  last  column. 
Always  outflanked  me  with  another  volume  ? 

Say  wilt  thou  meet  us  with  no  spiteful  thrust, 
Or  eke  wilt  "  bounce"  us,  "  bu'st  our  ancient  crust  ?  " 
Erect  a  mansard  on  this  planet's  brow. 
Raise  Cain,  turn  Jack — in  brief  wilt  have  a  row  ? 
If  that's  thy  game,  put  up  thy  fins ;  why,  dumb  it, 
Earth's  full  of  grit;  thou  canst  not  come  it,  Comet? 
But  if  thy  tail  swept  by  and  failed  to  twist  me, 
'Twould  be  just  the  first  thing  in  life  that  ever  missed  me! 


CHAPTER  LXXX. 

m  FAVOR  OF  SUPPEESSING   THE  FOURTH. 

"TTT"IIAT  luck  did  we  have  in  Brooklyn  this  last  Fourth 
^  ^      of  July  ?      Pretty  good,  thank  you.     We  contrived 
to  kill  two  children,  and  to  seriously  mutilate  about  twenty 
more ;  it  wasn't  a  very  good  day  for  children,  either. 

Among  the  casualties  I  do  not  count  the  wounding  of  two 
men  by  policemen  in  a  mad  endeavor  to  shoot  "mad  dogs;" 
for  I  do  not  know  that  this  was  done  by  way  of  celebrating 
the  day.  In  this  you  have  nothing  more  than  is  liable  to 
happen  any  day  of  the  week,  when  imported  "  cops,"  who 
couldn't  hit  the  broadside  of  a  barn  with  a  shot-gun,  are 
provided  with  revolvers  and  empowered  to  take  snap  shots 
up  and  down  the  street  at  any  dog  that  has  sense  enough  to 
run  for  dear  life  the  moment  he  sees  one  of  their  ugly  mugs 
coming  round  a  corner.  After  the  police  force  have  per- 
forated a  few  more  citizens  in  the  exercise  of  this  new  duty 
of  sliooting  dogs,  perhaps  they  will  be  relegated  to  first 
principles,  and  ordered  to  confine  tlioir  achievements  to  the 
regular  and  original  routine  of  clubbing  drunken  men  and 
arresting  small  boys  on  the  edges  of  large  crowds. 

But  it  is  not  the  suppression  of  the  policeman  tliat  I  call 
for,  thongli  the  danger  of  allowing  him  to  run  at  large  has 
been  several  times  demonstrated  of  late.  Kor  do  I  advocate 
handcuffing  hirn,  nor  even  obliging  him  to  carry  his  club  less 
jauntily  and  in  a  position  which  would  make  it  less  handy  to 
use  than  it  is  when  swinging  gayly  from  his  wrist,  thu8 
forcing  upon  him  time  for  a  moment's  thought  before  drop- 
ping it  on  the  first  head  tliat  comes  in  his  way.  No,  I 
38  693 


594:  WHY  NOT  MUZZLE  THE  FOURTH? 

would  not  suppress  the  policeman,  nor  shackle  his  free  limbs, 
for  a  wail  would  then  go  up  from  the  cook  in  the  area,  down 
trodden  Bridget. 

But  I  would  muzzle  the  Fourth  of  July  ;  shear  it  of  all 
the  elements  of  fatality  which  now  make  it  a  terror  to  the 
land ;  confine  it  within  safe  and  decent  bounds. 

Every  year  we  have  a  recurrence  of  the  same  accidents — 
deaths,  maimings,  destruction  of  property  by  lire,  drunken- 
ness, disorder  generally.  Beyond  a  doubt  this  absurd  manner 
of  celebrating  Independence  Day  will  come  to  an  end  in 
time.  But  why  not  now?  Why  wait  for  a  culmination  in 
some  terrible  fatality  or  conflagration  which  shall  arouse  the 
common  sense  of  the  people  and  make  the  suppression  of 
this  intolerable  nuisance  imperative?  A  movement  in  the 
rio;ht  direction  micfht  be  inauo-urated  at  once;  the  time  is 
ripe  for  it,  and  there  is  no  reason  why  the  next  Fourth  of 
July  should  not  dawn  upon  us  peacefully,  and  wear  on  and 
go  out  like  other  Christian  days,  with  no  smell  nor  smoke, 
;and  w'ith  no  bad  record,  instead  of  flashing  upon  us  in  flame, 
searing  our  eyeballs  with  its  lurid  glare  as  it  passes,  and 
leaving  behind  it  a  trail  of  death  and  lire,  like  a  baleful  star! 

Our  forefathers  won  independence  for  us.  It  remains  for 
lis  to  emancipate  ourselves  from  Independence  Day.  The 
evil  is  apparent,  gigantic — not  a  word  can  be  said  in  its 
defense;  why  should  it  be  tolerated  longer?  All  that  is 
necessary  is  the  united  action  of  a  few  right-thinking  women 
and  men.  With  but  slight  effort  proper  municipal  action 
might  be  secured  in  every  town,  fitting  restraint  in  every 
village,  and  this  fearful  nuisance  would  glide  like  a  dismissed 
ghost  gracefully  into  the  past. 

Saratoga  is  the  only  town  I  know  of  that  has  yet  taken 
sensible  action  in  the  matter.  After  having  been  burned 
down  several  years  in  succession  by  fire-crackers  on  the 
Fourth,  the  villagers  concluded  that  they  had  paid  quite 
dearly  enough  for  this  most  silly  whistle,  and  prohibited 
even  the  sale  of  fireworks  of  any  description  in  the  village, 
while  the  letting  of  them  oS  was  made  an  offense  punishable 


THE  SLAVES  OF  PRECEDENT.  595 

■with  a  penalty  so  terrible  that  no  one  has  yet  been  able  to 
ascertain  for  a  certainty  ■svhat  it  is ;  dark  whispers  of  its 
nature  are  about,  but  nothing  definite  is  known,  and  none  so 
far  have  cared  to  inform  their  ignorance  by  a  violation  of 
the  ordinance.  In  consequence  you  can  pass  a  Fourth  in 
Saratoga  as  comfortably  and  safely  as  though  you  were  in 
the  bosom  of  the  Methodist  Church,  with  not  a  fire-cracker 
to  molest  nor  a  torpedo  to  make  you  afraid.  The  eminent 
need  of  such  an  ordinance  was  brought  home  to  Saratoga  by 
a  series  of  terrible  lessons.  Why  will  not  villages  generally, 
the  countiy  through,  learn  from  this  sister  of  theirs,  instead 
of  insisting  that  the  same  experience  shall  come  upon  them 
before  they  take  warning  or  action. 

Think  of  the  millions  which  are  annually  fizzed  aAvay  in 
gunpowder  and  fireworks,  setting  the  attendant  fatalities 
and  expenses  one  side  !  The  display  is  for  the  delectation  of 
the  poor,  it  is  urged.  AVere  the  poor  allowed  a  vote  in  the 
matter,  do  you  not  think  they  Avould  prefer  flour  to  fireworks, 
elect  roasts  instead  of  rockets?  We  are  but  the  slaves  of 
precedent  and  a  foolish  rivalry  in  this  thing.  We  do  it  one 
year  because  it  has  been  done  in  all  years  before.  Brooklyn 
and  Boston  have  fireworks  because  it  is  supposed  that  New 
York  is  going  to,  and  the  example  spreads  like  a  small-pox, 
till  towns  as  small  as  Philadelphia  become  inoculated,  and 
the  eruption  finally  breaks  out  in  burghs  where  you  would 
scarcely  suppose  there  was  room  for  a  single  pimple  of 
powder. 

With  individuals  it  is  a  matter  of  precedent  and  emulation 
as  well  as  with  towns.  When  my  little  girl  asked  if  I  would 
lay  in  some  fireworks  for  her  and  exhibit  them  in  the 
evening,  the  idea  seeiried  so  absurd  that  1  laughed  at  it, 
broadly  and  long.  But  wlien  she  informed  me  that  Mr. 
Smith  in  the  next  house  on  one  side  of  us  had  his  cellar  h:ilf 
full  of  Roman  candles  and  such  things,  I  said  I'd  think 
about  it ;  and  when  we  actually  saw  Mr.  Brown,  in  the  lioiise 
on  the  other  side  of  us,  carrying  in  fagots  of  fire-crackers, 
stacks  of  torpedoes,  and  poles  of  "punk,"  I  thought  about  it 


596  -A-  PURCHASE  OF  PIN  WHEELS  AND  THINGS. 

no  longer;  but,  taking  Paulina  by  the  hand,  started  for  the 
toy  store  round  the  corner,  without  waiting  to  put  on  my 
hat ;  for  it  would  never  do  that  our  children  should  be  be- 
hind our  neighbors'  in  anything.  If  blowing  up  was  to  be 
the  pastime  of  the  hour,  tliey  must  be  blown  up  as  high  and 
come  down  in  as  small  pieces  as  anybody  else's  children. 
And  I  returned  home  with  an  armful  of  "  nigger-chasers," 
"  pin-wheels,"  "rockets,"  "bombs,"  "  flower  vases,"  "Roman 
candles  " — every  diabolical  device  that  the  perverse  ingenuity 
of  the  pyrotechnist  has  been  able  to  evolve. 

It  looked  like  rain  along  toward  evening,  and  I  hoped  for 
rain,  prayed  for  rain,  for  I  never  prided  myself  on  my  skill 
as  a  pyrotechnist,  and  the  smallest  excuse  would  have  been 
gratefully  received.  The  rain  came,  but  so  long  had  I  waited 
in  hope  of  deliverance  from  the  trouble  that  the  neighbors 
and  the  neighbors'  children,  having  exhausted  their  own 
fireworks,  came  over  to  see  ours.  This  M^as  pleasant,  for  I 
always  did  like  to  make  a  spectacle  of  myself  before 
strangers. 

The  simple  part  of  the  exhibition  went  oflF  very  well.  I 
got  a  number  of  little  boys  Avho  had  gathered  on  the  side- 
walk in  front  of  the  house  to  take  the  fire-crackers  out  into 
the  street  and  let  tliem  off,  whole  packs  at  a  time.  But  as  for 
the  complex  pieces  my  soul  misgave  me.  The  rockets  did 
tolerably,  except  that  only  one  of  the  dozen  got  away  from 
the  ground.  The  other  eleven,  perhaps  because  of  having 
their  radish-like  roots  too  firmly  planted  in  the  virgin  soil, 
just  stood  still  and  slung  sparks  around  without  making  an 
effort,  seemingly,  to  rise.  But  this  didn't  look  particularly 
bad,  nor  did  it  hurt  anybody  on  the  stoop. 

And  the  pin-wheels  did  rather  prettily  till  I  came  to  the 
largest,  which  I  had  intended  to  reserve  for  the  last  but  was 
persuaded  to  introduce  into  the  middle  of  the  performance 
for  fear  that  it  might  rain.  When  I  applied  the  match  to 
vtliis  iiiteresting  firework,  it  went  off  at  once,  and  with  it  went 
one  entire  side  of  my  mustache  ;  altogether  in  a  bunch  as 
'twere,  the  abominable  thing  exploded,  with  a  noise  like  a 


MR.  PAUL  AS  A  PYROTECHNIST.  597 

cannon  and  without  a  preliminary  fiz-z,  blistering  mj  hand  a 
yard  above  the  elbow,  and  setting  both  my  eyebrows  on  fire. 
In  the  regular  order  of  nature  it  should  have  ignited  easily 
and  gently,  gathering  rotary  force  as  it  burned,  changino-  into 
brilliant  combinations  of  beauty,  and  throwing  off  colored 
stars  and  crosses  as  it  rapidly  revolved.  The  bound  that  I 
made  carried  me  well  into  the  back  yard,  but  for  all  the  hurry 
of  the  occasion  1  noticed  that  everybody  on  the  front  stoop 
seemed  pleased  and  laughed  heartily  ;  and  I  question  whether 
they  would  have  enjoyed  the  pin-wheel  much  more  had  it 
gone  off  as  it  was  intended  to ;  but  the  exhibition  came  to  an 
end  then  and  there,  and  there  will  be  none  on  the  same 
premises  next  year. 

And  next  morning  while  I  was  poulticing  up  my  hand  and 
pasting  a  few  false  eyebrows  on,  an  irate  Dutchman  came 
roaring  in  from  ten  blocks  away,  with  a  rocket-stick  in  his 
hand.  It  seems  that  the  only  rocket  that  fulfilled  its  destiny 
and  mounted  above  the  base  earth,  drove  in  at  his  windows, 
and  after  nearly  impaling  the  Teutonic  babe  in  its  mother's 
arms,  dashed  on  and  broke  the  mirror  besides,  overturninn^  a 
pot  of  glue  in  its  mad  career,  and  entailing  in  all  a  bill  of 
damages  to  the  amount  of  nearly  my  whole  week's  salary  as 
pew-opener  in  Dr.  Budington's  church. 

That  any  others  have  suflered  similarly  I  am  not  unchris- 
tian enough  to  wish.  But  1  record  my  experience  in  the 
firm  belief  that  it  must  have  been  the  experience  of  many 
others.  And  in  calm  and  sober  seriousness  I  wish  to  ask, 
Who  will  join  me  in  signing  a  pledge  not  only  to  abstain 
from  fireworks  ourselves,  and  to  jirohibit  them  in  our  fainiliea 
in  future,  but  also  to  endeavor  to  procure  tlieir  j)rohilti(iou 
in  any  city,  town,  or  village  in  which  we  are  resident? 

I  would  quite  as  soon  be  bit  in  the  leg  l)y  a  mad  dog  as  to 
have  a  rochet  bolt  through  my  abdomen  or  a  pin-wheel 
explode  in  my  ear. 


CHAPTEE  LXXXI. 

IN  WHICH  IS  DUMPED  AN  ACCUMULATION  OF  PARAGRAPHS  WHICH 
COULD   NOT  BE   OTHERWISE   DISPOSED   OF. 

THIXGS. 

"  Tell  me  not  in  mournful  numbers 

Life  is  but  an  empty  dream  ; 
For  the  soul  is  dead  that  slumbers,^ 

And  Things  are  not  what  they  seem !" 

IN  saying  that  he  does  not  want  to  be  told  about  Life  in 
"  mournful  numbers,"  the  poet  expresses,  rythmically,  as 
a  poet  should,  but  positively,  the  popular  preference  for  get- 
ting the  news  of  the  day  from  a  lively  periodical, — one  whose 
every  number  is  made  as  cheerful  as  is  consistent  with  the 
best  interests  of  society,  like  my  Great  Moral  Organ^  for 
instance.  However,  I  do  not  concur  with  him  in  thinking 
that  the  sole  is  dead  which  slumbers, — nor  will  any  one  else 
who  has  had,  as  I  have,  both  feet  asleep  at  once  without  a 
thought  of  burying  either  of  them.  It  stands  to  reason  that 
a  sole  may  slumber  without  being  dead, — that  is  to  say,  as 
dead  as  a  herring.  Instance  in  point :  you  may  have  noticed 
the  story  of  "  A  Sleeping  Girl  "  now  occupying  daily  news- 
papers, to  the  exclusion  of  much  other  amusing  and  instruc- 
tive information  :  here  we  have  a  feme-sole  who  has  serenely 
slumbered  on  for  the  last  ten  years  of  her  life,  but  she  is  not 
dead  yet.  She  may  not  be  actively  alive  to  the  rights  of  her 
sex,  perhaps,  but  she  is  in  many  respects  an  admirable  young 
woman,  and  that  may  be  said  of  her  w'hicli  can  truthfully  be 
said  of  very  few  ladies  under  thiily, — she  is  no  flirt !  In  any 
event  she  must  be  just  about  alive  enough  to  be  Secretary  of 

598 


A  BAD  HABIT  OF  HOUSES.  599 

the  Navy,  Postmaster  General,  or  something  else  of  that  sort, 
and  I  am  surprised  that  she  has  so  long  escaped  the  notice 
of  successive  administrations.  Eeturning  to  the  sole  subject 
under  discussion,  may  we  not  suppose  that  the  poet  means, 
— in  short,  is  it  not  fair  to  conclude  that  he  intends  to  con- 
vey,— but  right  here  let  me  make  an  honest  confession. 
Setting  out  with  a  remarkably  indistinct  idea  of  what  ought 
to  be  said  by  way  of  introduction,  if  I  have  not  succeeded  in 
making  what  I  mean  to  do  equally  clear  to  the  i-eader,  it  is 
certainly  no  fault  of  mine.  The  Poet  has  done  a  kindly 
oiRce  in  advance,  by  assuring  you  that  these  "  Things"  are  not 
what  they  seem.  Bear  this  in  mind,  and,  though  they  seem 
foolish  to  you  at  times,  believe  sturdily  that  they  are  not, 
peruiitting  me  without  further  prelude  or  apology  to  plunge 
i/n  medias  res. 

Houses,  of  late,  not  content  with  falling  themselves,  are 
getting  a  strange  and  sad  habit  of  also  knocking  down  the 
buildings  which  happen  to  stand  next  them.  This  seems  to 
me  specially  unfair  and  particularly  to  be  protested  against. 
It  is  bad  enough  in  all  conscience  to  have  your  own  house 
fall  down  on  you,  but  to  liave  your  neighbor's  topple  over 
on  yours,  bringing  that  down,  and  burying  you  beneath  the 
bricks  of  both,  is  provoking  to  that  extent  that  you  have  a 
right  to  seriously  remonstrate.  It  is  adding  insult  to  injury, 
60  to  speak,  and  not  infrequently  crowding  the  mourners,  as 
it  were.  Even  if  no  serious  consequences  ensue,  the  incon- 
venience in  many  cases  is  not  inconsiderable.  You  have  a 
party  at  your  house,  f<jr  instance,  and  a  neighbor's  walls 
come  bursting  into  the  parlor, — they  are  not  ]»:irty  walls 
either!  Every  man's  house  is  supposed  to  be  his  castle;  but 
living  constantly  with  yoni-  moat  in  one  eye,  you  don't  want 
a  neighbor's  l)eain  in  the  other.  Under  this  reign  of  tliingfi, 
— or  perlia])S  I  shoiild  specifically  say  rain  of  bricks  and  mor- 
tar,— the  old  ])rover]>  niay  be  changed  to  read,  "  Fools  build 
houses,  and  wise  men  build  others  to  tumldcj  down  on  them  !' 
It  may  come  to  such  a  pass  that  it  will  be  ])ettcr  to  have  no 
neighbors  at  all,  and  no  friends,  but  just  to  live  life  through 


600  MY  PATENT  MAN-SHEDDING  UMBRELLA. 

surrounded  by  one's  relatives.  Yery  many  persons  have 
wondered  that  I  permit  my  city  property  to  stand  unim- 
proved,— now  you  all  know  why  I  don't  build. 

There's  another  thing  which  must  be  rather  trying  to  one's 
patience.  You  are  walking  quietly  along  the  street,  whist- 
ling an  inoffensive  tune  maybe,  and  thinking  how  little  you 
can  consistently  put  in  the  contribution-box  on  the  coming 
Sunday,  when  some  fellow  whom  you've  perhaps  never  been 
introduced  to,  comes  tumbling  on  top  of  you  from  a  fourth- 
story  window.  Now  what  right  has  he  to  do  this  ?  It  may 
be  he  contemplated  suicide,  but  this  does  not  mend  matters; 
on  the  contrary  it  rather  perplexes  them.  Providence  inter- 
feres to  spare  him,  and  instead  he  only  kills  you, — accident- 
ally !  This  is  gratifying  in  the  extreme,  the  more  so  if  you 
do  not  pride  yourself  on  being  professionally  a  philanthro- 
pist. The  change  of  programme  is  pleasant  enough  to  the 
fellow  and  his  family,  but  how  about  you  and  yours  ?  Had 
things  gone  as  originally  planned  he  would  be  a  felo  de  se  / 
as  they  go  you  are  the  fellow  deceased  !  Is  he  not  indictable  ? 
Should  he  not  be  hanged  ?  No  man  has  a  moral  right  to  go 
round  the  world,  spilling  himself  from  fourth-story  windows 
on  other  men  who  are  walking  quietly  along  the  street, 
whistling  an  inoffensive  tune  maybe,  and  thinking  how  little 
they  can  consistently  put  in  the  contribution-box  on  coming 
Sundays !  Unfortunately,  hanging  him  would  do  you  no 
good,  and  even  were  the  contrary  the  case,  an  ounce  of  pre- 
vention is  equivalent  to  twenty  shillings'  worth  of  cure. 

And  this  brings  me  squarely  to  the  mention  1  have  been  art- 
fully leading  up  to,— my  new  patent.  Idealizing  the  danger 
to  which  every  man  in  the  community  is  exposed  while 
walking  quietly  along  the  street,  whistling  an  inoffensive 
tune  maybe,  and  thinking  how  little  he  can  consistently  put 
in  the  contribution-box  on  the  coming  Sunday,  by  the  incon- 
siderate action  of  some  other  man  having  no  regard  for  the 
rights  of  his  fellows,  who  may  tumble  on  him  from  a  fourth- 
story  window,  I  have  invented,  and  now  offer  to  the  public, 
my   patent   recuperative  man-repelling  and   brick-resisting 


INSURANCE  ITEMS.  601 

umbrella,  warranted  to  keep  in  all  climates,  if  tlie  directions 
on  the  box  as  to  keeping  it  locked  np  when  not  in  nse  are 
strictly  followed,  before  taking  it — among  brokers.  Pro- 
vided with  one  of  these,  you  can  give  public  notice  that  any 
fellow  falling  on  you  does  it  at  his  own  peril.  I  look  for  an 
extended  sale  of  my  invention  among  that  sex  with  which  I 
have  ever  been  a  favorite,  none  of  whom  ought  to  be  a\  ith- 
out  a  patent  man-repeller,  etc.  For  the  dear  creatures  who, 
owing  to  circumstances  over  which  they  have  no  control, 
have  no  need  for  a  man-repeller,  I  have  contrived  a  love  of 
a  parasol,  which  I  call  the  patent  double-acting  and  never- 
failing  man-compeller.  For  persons  who  do  not  like  to  carry 
umbrellas  1  design  establishing  a  sort  of  insurance  office, 
guaranteeing  that  any  one  who  falls  upon  you  from  a  fourth- 
sto'-y  window  shall  strike  you  favorably.  My  office  is  to  be 
a  different  one  from  most  other  insurance  concerns,  as  hon- 
esty will  be  the  best  policy.  So  far  I  have  only  constructed 
umbrellas  capable  of  shedding  men  and  brick-bats,  but  hope 
soon  to  turn  out  some  that  can  take  fire-proof  safes  and  such- 
like without  winking.  The  principle  is  susceptible  of  indefi- 
nite application,  and  umbrellas  may  l)e  built  of  enough  power 
to  keep  your  neighbor's  house  from  falling  upon  yours, 
though  where  this  danger  exists,  it  would  perhaps  be  better 
to  build  yourself  two  houses  at  once,  one  over  the  other.  If 
you  live  in  a  locality  where  the  nurses  are  careless  and  in  the 
habit  of  letting  babies  fall  out  of  windows,  the  advantage  of 
my  umbrellas  cannot  be  overrated  ;  one  of  them  would  p;iy 
for  itself  in  a  short  time. 

Last  year  I  made  ap])lication  to  a  prominent  insurance 
company  for  insurance,  writing  respectfully  as  follows  : — 

"■1  am  a  corner  house;  three,  four,  or  five  hundred  feet 
from  any  other  man.  The  stable  is  about  thirty-three  and 
one-third  or  possibly  fifty-two  and  three-eighths  feet  distant 
from  the  house.  There  is  nr)thing  inflainniablc  about  the 
place  except  the  cistern,  for  the  gas  is  so  jxxtr  that  it  won't 
burn,  and  coal  is  so  high  that  we  are  using  brickbats  instead. 
The  house  has  a  heater  in  it,  which  we  use  as  a  refrigerator 


602  INVITED  OUT  AMONG  THE  INDIANS. 

in  the  winter,  and  we  have  no  other  fire  or  fireworks  on  the 
premises  but  a  range  and  a  red-headed  cook.  No  lamps  are 
used ;  we  believe  not  in  things  seen  or  kerosene." 

And  they  wrote  back  refusing  my  application  and  reprov- 
ing my  levity.  As  my  house  did  not  burn  up  (or  down),  I'm 
glad  they  didn't  jump  at  me. 

Emerson  says  of  gifts  : — "  The  only  gift  is  a  portion  of  thy- 
self. Thou  must  bleed  for  me."  This  is  what  the  Indian 
thinks  when  he  requests  a  lock  of  your  hair  on  the  plains. 
But  I  for  one  don't  like  such  Indian  giving. 

"  You  should  have  remained  a  week  longer  and  joined  our 
bufialo  hunt,"  my  brother  writes  me  from  the  West.  "  We 
had  capital  fun,  got  thirteen  butfaloes,  and  the  next  day  two 
men  were  killed  by  Indians  on  the  very  place  where  we 
camped.     Come  out  next  month." 

Yes,  I  tliink  I  shall ;  the  prospect  is  inviting  ;  I  was  always 
fond  of  being  scalped.     Bufiido  robes  are  so  intimately  con- 
nected with  sleighing  that  no  one  could  object  to  being  slain 
in  looking  for  them.     Getting  acquainted  with  strangers,  too, 
is  a  special  hobby  of  mine.     I  should  particularly  like  to  meet 
Mr.  Ilole-in-the-day,  or  The-man-who-walks-under-the-ground 
in  some  out-of-the-way  place,  like  a  Kansas  prairie,  for  instance ; 
it  would  be  pleasant  for  all  parties.     Mr.   Ilole-in-the-day 
might  share  his  wigwam  with  me  ;  or  possibly  he  might  make 
a  wig  warm  forme,  alone.     There's  no  telling  what  the  noble 
red  men  wont  do  for  you  when  they  feel  sociable  and  friendly 
like.      The  noble  red  women   are    of    companionable    dis- 
positions too.     A  bevy   of   sympathetic    squaws,  not   long 
since,  scalped  a  friend  of  mine  one  bright,  beautiful  Sunday 
morning.     He  had  some  doubts  about  the  propriety  of  the 
thing  at  first,  fears  that  he  was  an  accessory  to  Sabbath 
breaking  worried  him  sadly,  but  they  soon  relieved  him  of 
these  ;  it  wasn't  much  trouble,  after  they  got  their  hands  in, 
the^^said;  they'd  just  as  lief  keep  right  on.     I've  seen  the 
man   frequeVitly  since  then  and  talked  with  him  about  it ; 
he's  a  veteran  soldier  now,  but   on  that  particular  morning 
he  was  a  raw  recruit.     A  good  church-goer  in  the  main,  he 


DON'T  THINK  I'LL  GO.  603 

yet  does  not  like  the  peeling  of  Indian  belles  on  Sunday 
mornings;  he  objects  to  such  Dorcas  societies.  I've  written 
to  my  brother  to  say  to  The-man-who-walks-under-the-ground 
that,  much  as  I  admire  his  walk  and  conversation,  1  don't 
think  I'll  visit  him  this  fall;  there  ts  such  a  thing  as  run- 
ning friendship  into  the  ground.  As  for  his  being  a  legiti- 
mate heir  of  the  soil,  I'll  take  his  word  for  it ;  deeds 
are  not  necessary ;  anyway  I  don't  want  to  go  down  to 
investio;ate  his  title.  It  would  be  comfortinc;  to  talk  about 
the  Great  Father  with  him,  and  probably  I'd  know  more 
about  such  things  when  he  got  through  with  me  than  I  do 
now,  but  as  my  time  is  limited,  both  he  and  Hole-in-the-day 
must  excuse  their  AVhite  Brother  for  the  present ;  when  I 
want  to  be  scalped  I'll  let  them  know.  As  to  the  buffalo 
herd — I've  heai'd  a  good  deal  about  it,  and  can  hear  all  else 
that  I  want  to  know  from  a  safe  distance.  Much  as  I've 
heard  about  their  wild  charges,  I'm  not  prepared  to  dispute 
them  ;  they  may  put  the  whole  thing  down  to  me ;  I'm  not 
going  out  there  to  examine  items  or  make  any  deep  scrutiny 
into  totems.  No,  my  brother,  of  the  sw^ift  and  vitreous  eye, 
and  the  slow  but  sure  tongue,  live  you  in  the  wild  West  and 
chase  the  bounding  bison  ;  be  it  my  more  modest  lot  to  track 
the  prowling  partridge  to  his  lair,  or  seek  the  Jersey  snipe  in 
his  marsh-meadow  den — the  more  amljitious  role  of  the  great 
plains  is  not  for  me ;  I  am  not  a  prairie  swell. 

A  correspondent  writes  from  Maine  to  know  if  I  can  tell 
him  where  to  go  to  find  buffalo,  and  post  him  up  about  the 
business  generally.  Certainly  I  can,  for  I've  made  it  my 
special  study  ever  since  I  determined  not  to  go  myself.  First, 
you  must  get  a  first-class  ticket  fur  the  West, — no  matter  what 
railroad  you  go  by,  the  chances  of  getting  to  your  destination 
alive  are  too  ])roblematical  to  Iniild  u])(>n  to  any  extent.  If 
stylish,  and  fond  of  show  at  funerals,  take  a  rosewood  coffin 
along  with  you,  for  they  give  you  nothing  but  jiine  in  St. 
Louis,  and  further  along  on  the  prairies  you'll  lind  only  bark, 
principally  furnished  by  the  prairie-dog.  r>y  all  means  take 
the  rosewood  convenience  with  you,  even  if  you  bhould  not 


604:  WHERE  TO  GO  FOR  BUFFALO. 

use  it ;  there's  nothing  like  making  a  handsome  appearance 
when  you're  traveling.  Tell  them  to  let  you  off  at  Hays 
City,  on  the  Kansas  Pacific  road, — ask  them  to  let  you  off  as 
easy  as  they  can.  I  know  all  about  this  flourishing  metropo- 
lis ;  it  was  laid  out  by  this  brother  of  mine  before  mentioned, 
who  tried  to  trade  me  an  interest  in  it  soon  after,  for  a  double- 
barrelled  shot  gun  and  a  pointer  dog.  If  you  ask  me  how 
it  is  laid  out  I  can  only  reply  that  to  the  best  of  my  recollec- 
tion it  is  laid  out  flat.  The  population  of  Hays  is  active 
and  enterprising ;  no  stranger  ever  got  away  from  among 
them  with  any  money.  If  you  haven't  money  they'll  take 
your  clothes  and  saddle-bags,  for  they're  large-hearted  and 
hospitable  and  don't  mean  to  be  mean  about  small  things. 

Arrived  at  Hays,  you  are  in  the  heart  of  the  buffalo 
country.  Buffalo  used  to  come  into  the  streets  of  the  town 
occasionally,  but  the  local  paper  printed  editorials  about  them, 
and  this  finally  drove  them  off.  One  old  bull  lingered  on, 
but  after  they  had  alhided  to  him  as  the  monarch  of  the  plains 
something  over  ten  thousand  times,  he  too  lay  down  and  died. 
To  get  a  buffalo  now  you  have  to  go  about  five  miles  from 
town,  but  you  can  get  tolerably  well  killed  by  an  Indian  with- 
out going  half  so  far  for  it.  Spotted  Tail  will  call  on  you 
himself,  if  you  send  him  your  address.  It's  a  great  place  to 
go  for  health,  especially  if  your  physicians  have  recommended 
arrow-root  to  you.  You  can  get  a  dozen  arrows  rooted  in 
you  without  strolling  much  beyond  the  city  limits.  The  sav- 
age comes  upon  you  with  a  spring, — a  hair-spring,  so  to  speak. 
If  you  have  no  hair  it  doesn't  matter  much, — he  just  takes 
the  bald  place  along  with  him.  Yes,  my  friend.  Hays  City 
is  the  place  you  want  to  steer  for,  if  desirous  to  find  Buflalo  or 
that  other  buffer,Lo,  the  poor  Indian. 

It  may  be  that  my  washerwoman  will  get  to  heaven  when 
she  slips  away  from  her  suds  here  below,  but  I've  an  idea 
that  she'll  find  better  hot  water  facilities  elsewhere.  The 
sight  that  she  makes  of  my  linen  fronts  never  was  seen  before 
if  the  plain  truth  may  be  spoken.  Needlework  of  delicate 
fineness  is  made  to  look  like  needle-gun  work ;  you  would 


A  RUB  FOR  MY  WASHERWOMAN.  tju5 

think  there  had  been  a  surprise  of  the  posts,  and  firino-  all 
along  the  clothes-line.  The  mangling  is  that  which  niio-ht 
have  been  done  by  mitrailleuses.  She  does  not  wash  by  the 
dozen,  this  washerwoman  of  mine  ;  she  takes  her  work  "  by 
the  piece," — and  returns  it  so.  But  she  is  not  one  of  the 
piece  makers  whom  we  call  blessed.  Could  you  see  the 
condition  in  which  things  are  brought  home  tome  ;  mv  shirts 
all  seem  to  be  on  a  sort  of  strike,  but  the  bodies  don't  hold 
together ;  there  is  division  among  the  members ;  my  collars 
have  a  limp,  dissipated  look,  as  though  they  had  been  out  all 
night  and  were  determined  not  to  get  up  in  the  mornino-. 
The  handkerchiefs  might  have  been  given  to  my  mother  by 
an  Egyptian,  who  was  glad  to  get  rid  of  them ;  they  look  as 
though  they  had  been  used  by  mummies.  Those  portions  of 
my  attire  on  which  there  are  ruffles,  esthetic  garments,  epics 
in  cambric,  tales  flowing  in  heroic  measure,  are  resolved  into 
ragged  prose.  Professing  to  "  flute,"  this  laundress  plays 
upon  my  feelings,  practices  upon  my  patience,  and  does  base 
violence  to  my  vesture.  But  how  wise  are  the  provisions  of 
Providence,  how  admirably  all  things  are  fitted  in  the  great 
order  of  Nature  !  AVashes  the  whole  world  over  are  brou<dit 
home  on  Saturday  night.  This  gives  you  the  next  blessed 
day  in  which  to  repent  of  the  \vicked  words  spoken  when 
you  gazed  upon  the  scattered  folds  and  realized  how  the  flat- 
iron  had  entered  your  bosom.  Laved  in  the  suds  of  contri- 
tion, you  come  out  on  the  following  Monday  as  fresh  and 
unsoiled  in  soul  as  a  piece  of  linen — which  has  never  been 
given  to  a  waslierwoman  ! 

Spontaneous  combustion  seems  to  be  the  order  of  the  da3\ 
We  have  had  only  one  instance  as  yet.  The  unfoi-tiniate 
man  was  a  friend  of  mine,  and  he  had  only  two  fawUs — 
drinking  and  borrowing  money.  I  never  had  any  to  loan, 
and  consequently  there  was  no  unjileasant  feeh'ng  between 
us.  J*oor  fellow  !  1  thought  for  some  time  pi'evions  to  the 
sad  allair  that  something  would  lia|)j)en  to  him.  l"'or  his 
nose  day  by  day  got  redder  and  redder  until  at  last  it  resem- 
bled a  Drummond  light,  and  certainly  would  have  shone  as 


606  C^SE  OF  SPONTANEOUS  COMBUSTION. 

far  in  a  fog.  His  favorite  lounging  place  was  on  the  corner 
of  Irving  Place;  and  standing  there  of  evenings  he  has  often 
misled  persons  going  to  the  opera,  they  mistaking  him  for 
the  large  red  lamp  that  stands  in  front  of  the  drinking  saloon 
next  door.  It  seems  hut  yesterday  that  I  saw  him  in  the 
enjoyment  of  his  usnal  health ;  liis  breath  had  a  mellow 
flavor  of  Bourbon,  which  he  explained  by  saying  that  he  had 
lately  used  a  little  in  removing  spots  from  his  clothing. 
Poor  Lippard  !  never  again  will  he  attempt  to  change  his 
spots.  lie  went  off  yesterday  like  a  firework,  burning  him- 
self out,  for  all  the  world,  like  a  parafiine  candle.  There  was 
no  unpleasant  smell  apparent,  and  he  himself  did  not  seem 
aware  of  how  fast  he  was  wasting  away — burning  down  in 
his  socks,  or  socket,  so  to  speak.  A  slight  wreath  of  smoke 
curled  up  from  his  mouth,  but  no  more  than  would  have 
resulted  from  a  cheap  cigar,  and  a  calm  smile  was  on  his  face 
all  the  while.  Several  attempts  to  blow  him  out  were  all  in 
vain,  and  as  for  snufiing  him,  that  could  not  be  done.  He 
left  no  will,  and  no  ashes.  In  convivial  moments  he  had 
been  wont  to  boast  that  he  never  made  a  cent,  and  no  man 
ever  made  a  cent  out  of  him.  Strangely  enough  he  carried 
out  that  boast  to  the  last — he  didn't  make  a  cent  while  burn- 
ing, and  he  left  no  body  for  the  coroner  to  sit  upon,  no 
chance  for  an  undertaker  to  run  up  a  bill.  His  last  end  was 
a  wax  end,  if  a  flower  of  speech  is  permissible,  and  it  cannot 
be  denied  that  he  was  light,  if  not  positively  cheerful,  to  the 
last.  Profiting  by  the  sad  lesson  thus  inculcated,  a  number 
of  his  boon  companions  have  signed  the  pledge  and  others 
have  got  married. 

There  was  a  deal  of  beauty  and  some  fine  painting  at  the 
last  Academy  opening,  but  it  was  moving  about  the  rooms 
rather  than  exhibited  on  the  walls.  This  was  as  it  should 
be,  for  beauty  does  not  hang  well.  It  will  be  remembered 
that  most  of  the  condemned  good-looking  women  of  M'hom 
we  have  record  were  beheaded.  Perhaps  this  was  so  that 
they  could  not  hojDe  to  wear  pretty  bonnets  in  the  resurrec- 
tion— which  would  be  about  the  most  terrible  anguish  that 


PICTURES  AT  THE  ACADEMY  OPENING.  607 

could  be  inflicted  on  the  female  soul.     Among  the  pictures 
that  attracted  iny  attention,  I  may  mention : — 

"  A  Study  from  Still  Life," — the  seizure  of  a  whiskey  manufactory. 

"  The  Ilappy  Planter," — a  man  burying  his  mother-in-law. 

"Redemption," — a  scene  in  a  pawnbroker's  shop. 

"  Resignation," — cabinet  officers  handing  in  their  commissions. 

"  The  Last  Roes  of  Summer," — the  final  shad  of  the  season. 

"IIow  Happy  could  I  be  with  Ether," — scene  in  a  dentist's  rooms. 

"True  to  the  Core," — Eve  eating  the  apple. 

"  Enjoying  the  first  Weed," — a  widow  in  her  new  black. 

"Aiming  at  the  End," — parent  chastising  a  child. 

En  ])assant—ys\\\^\  is  French  for  in  the  passage — I  noticed 
a  picture  of  game,  which  seemed  to  be  well  drawn.  There 
was  also  a  fish  piece,  which  carried  its  own  tale.  One  painter 
was  well  and  favorably  known  by  his  fruits.  lie  contributed 
the  piece  representing  Eve  and  the  apple — an  admirable 
thing,  by  the  way,  for  a  Fall  opening. 

Last  summer  I  seized  old  Father  Time  by  four  or  five  of 
his  locks,  and  went  fishing.  Business  was  at  a  stand  still, 
and  the  boys  of  the  village  showed  me  how  they  beguiled 
time  by  rowing  up  and  down  the  little  river  endeavoring  to 
persuade  the  lung-headed  pike  below  that  the  combination  of 
tin,  tinsel  and  feathers  towing  i)ehind  the  boat  was  a  good 
thing  to  take  hold  of.  This  they  called  "  trolling,"  and  the 
other  thing  a  "  spoon." 

After  trolling  up  and  down  the  river  for  two  or  three  days, 
I  concluded  that  there  was  a  "  spoon  "  too  many  in  the  boat, 
and  so  pitched  one  overboard  aixl  rowed  the  other  to  the 
shore.  Then  I  tried  trouting  with  better  success.  There 
was  a  brook  some  few  miles  (Hit  on  the  line  of  roatl,  where 
the  speckled  beauties  abounded  but  you  don't  want  to  go 
there  with  long  lines,  flies,  or  any  such  nonsense.  By 
"  whi])j)ing"  the  stream,  you  only  ]»unish  yourself.  Bring 
a  few  feet  of  line,  a  half-do/en  .spare  hooks,  cut  a  switch  in 
the  woods,  dig  some  worms  for  bait,  and  you're  rigged.  It 
is  necessary  that  you  have  your  bait  convenient,  and  some 
fishermen  hold  it  in  their  mouths.  A  double;  object  is  thus 
eflected.     JN'ot  only  do  you  have  the  bait  handy,  but  also  the 


608  1  GO  A  FISHING. 

fisli  seeing  it  in  your  own  mouth,  conclude  that  it  must  pos- 
sess a  superior  flavor,  and  covet  accordingly.  "  If  any  preju- 
dice exists  on  this  score,  however,  you  can  compromise  and 
carry  the  worms  in  your  pocket.  The  brook  abounds  in 
charming  little  waterfalls,  and  below  these,  in  the  curling 
eddies  as  well  as  under  the  shelter  of  the  cool  rocks,  the  trout 
lurk. 

But  they  are  much  like  school  girls,  and  dodge  out  of 
eight  immediately  a  stranger  becomes  visible.  You  have  to 
stand  back  from  the  bank,  drop  your  bait  gently  down  stream, 
wait  with  all  senses  alive,  prepared  to  jerk  at  the  slightest 
nibble,  and  very  soon  a  trout  is  yours.  Each  trout  makes  a 
mouthful — unless  you  have  a  larger  mouth  than  common — 
and  thus  you  can  measure  your  game  nicely,  and  know  pre- 
cisely when  you've  caught  enough  for  supper.  But  there 
are  many  vexations  attendant  on  fronting.  To  steal  along 
carefully  in  order  to  drop  your  line  into  a  temj)ting  "  hole," 
and  then  blunder  over  a  prostrate  tree  and  drop  yourself 
into  it,  frightening  all  the  fish  in  the  vicinity,  is  not  pleasant ; 
neither  is  it  pleasant  to  land  a  trout  in  a  tree,  and  have  to 
climb  for  your  lish  as  though  you  were  bird-nesting.  Nor 
is  it  conducive  to  serenity  of  spirit  in  throwing  your  hook 
upon  the  waters,  to  have  it  first  take  effect  in  the  lower  corner 
of  your  own  eyelid  ;  and  it  can  scarcely  be  called  encour- 
aging to  have  an  immense  mosquito  and  a  large  trout  bite 
at  the  same  time.  They  divide  your  attention,  and  the  chances 
are  that  both  get  away.  Those  who  go  into  the  woods 
before  the  first  frost,  will  find  it  an  excellent  plan  to  arrange 
a  mosquito  net  around  the  rim  of  their  hats,  allowing  the  ends 
to  fall  over  the  shoulders,  and  gathering  it  slightly  about 
the  neck.  "With  the  aid  of  this  and  India  rubber  gloves  you 
can  trout  quite  comfortably  even  in  June. 

Perhaps  you've  never  heard  the  story  of  the  Georgia  col- 
onels ?  If  not,  I'll  tell  it  you,  for  it  will  at  least  tit  in  "  between 
the  cheese  and  the  pear." 

In  the  Mexican  war,  Georgia  thought  she'd  raise  a  regi- 
ment, and  did — but  every  man  in  it  was  a  colonel.     They 


A  REGIMENT  OF  GEORGIA  COLONELS.  G09 

tossed  np  coppers  all  round  to  decide  who  should  have  com- 
mand, and  started  off  to  reinforce  Scott.  Previous  to  march- 
ing, they  consulted  Hardee  s  Tactics  and  found  that  the 
soldier  was  directed  to  march  with  his  "left  foot  foremost." 
So  what  did  my  precious  regiment  of  colonels  do,  hut  go 
skating  in  that  fashion  all  the  way  from  Georgia  to  Mexico, 
shoving  the  left  foot  forward  and  dragging  the  right  one 
after  it ! 

For  a  hand,  they  had  sixty  of  the  best  fiddlers  that  the 
plantations  of  the  state  afforded. 

Scott  was  drilling  his  men  by  brigades,  when  he  saw  a 
tremendous  cloud  of  dust  in  the  distance,  which  seemed  to 
herald  the  coming  of  an  army  terrible  with  bummei-s.  Order- 
ing his  batteries  into  position  and  his  brigades  into  line,  he 
galloped  off  with  his  staff  to  see  what  the  matter  was. 

"  What  the  devil  are  you,  where  do  you  come  from,  and 
wliere  are  you  going  to  ? "  he  shouted,  as  soon  as  within  hail- 
ing distance. 

"  Georgia  regiment  of  Georgia  colonels,  General,"  the 
commander  made  answer — while  the  fiddlers  struck  up  a 
tune  that  set  all  the  war-horses  dancing — "and  we're  going 
to  reinforce  Scott !  " 

"But  what  are  you  marching  in  that  fashion  and  kicking 
np  such  a  devil  of  a  dust  for  \  "  shouted  Scott,  in  thundering 
and  wondering  tones. 

"  Hardee's  tactics.  General,"  returned  the  commander 
gaily,  flourishing  the  open  pages  of  the  book  in  the  air, 
"Hardee's  tactics,  left  foot  foremost,  General  !" 

"And  I'll  be  blessed,  gentlemen,"  said  the  old  r.cneral 
in  telling  the  story  to  me,  "  if  that  wlutlo  regiment  of 
Georgia  colonels  hadn't  marched  all  the  way  fri>m  (Icdrgia 
to  Vera  Cruz  with  their  left  feet  foremost,  kicking  up  I  he 
raggedest  dust  you  ever  did  sec." 

"With  the  rage  for  dramatizing  everything  it  surprises  me 

that    no   one   has    taken  in   hand    tin;    first  ten  chapters  of 

Tujppers  Proverbial  I'ldlowj)!!;/.      The  action  is  not  quite 

as  lively  as  could  be  wished,  perhaps,  but  considerable  fire 

39 


610  MY  LUCE  AS  A  DRAMATIST. 

could  be  thrown  into  it  by  a  small  expenditure  for  resin,  and 
there  is  nothing  like  hirid  effect.  Gunpowder  is  good,  too. 
Use  enough  of  it,  and  one  cannot  fail  to  bring  down  the 
house.  My  experience  as  a  dramatist  has  not  been  sufficiently 
encouraging  to  tempt  me  to  further  effort,  or  I  would  attempt 
this  work  myself,  "When  I  brought  out  a  little  comedy  in 
San  Francisco,  two  of  the  principal  actor&  were  drunk,  and 
w^hen  I  changed  the  same  play  to  suit  New  York  and  got 
it  in  rehearsal  at  the  Winter  Garden^  the  theatre  burned 
down.  And  of  a  burlesque  of  Arrah-na-JF*ogue — "AiTah-na- 
Poke" — which  1  wrote^  and  which  was  played  in  San  Fran- 
cisco, there  were  only  three  copies  in  existence.  One  went 
with  Dan  Setchell — alas,  j^oor  Dan — to  Australia,  and  was 
lost  in  the  wild  waste  of  waters  at  the  same  time  that  that 
rare  good  fellow  and  excellent  comedian  found  a  grave. 
Another  was  sold  to  Mr,  Peasley,  manager  of  a  theatre  in 
Virginia  City,  He  was  shot  and  killed  the  day  that  he 
arrived  home  with  it — the  bullet  borinsr  the  MS.  and  satura- 
ting  it  with  his  blood.  The  third  copy  M^as  submitted  to 
Mr.  Stuart,  who  already  had  a  piece  of  mine  in  rehearsal  and 
expressed  an  amiable  desire  to  read  this.  On  Friday  night 
it  was  placed  in  his  hands — on  Saturday  morning  the  good  old 
Winter  Garden  Avas  burned  and  the  MS.  of  my  burlesque 
with  it.  How  Mr.  Stuart  escaped  with  his  life,  after  having 
anj^thing  to  do  with  me,  I  don't  know — it  certainly  was  a 
violation  of  precedent.  There  is  not  another  copy  of  the 
ill-starred  production  in  this  wide,  wide  world.  I  am  very 
sorry,  for  I  have  had  a  quarrel  with  a  householder,  and  would 
like  to  send  him  a  copy,  for  beyond  a  doubt  it  would  fetch 
liini.  I  know  of  no  other  way  that  a  man  could  commit 
arson  or  murder,  and  escape  the  unpleasant  consequences ! 

Having  had  such  bad  luck  with  original  pieces,  it  occurred 
to  me  that  I  might  perhaps  borrow  something  from  the 
French  ant}  adapt.  So  I  wrote  asking  a  bright  young  friend 
in  Paris  to  let  me  know  what  they  had  on  the  boards  there 
that  would  "  suit "  me.  Answer  came  back,  "  I'm  afraid 
nothing  here  would  suit  you,  for  there's  not  enough  on  the 


A  PLEA  FOR  CLOTHES  OX  THE  STAGE.       611 

etage  now  to  make  a  decent  suit  for  anybody.  At  the  Gaities 
they  are  phiying  Paradis  Perdu.  Eve  wears  tights  and  tulle 
before  the  fall,  and  fig-leaves  and  back  hair  afterward ;  while 
Adam  picks  up  chips  for  a  living,  and  the  Devil  enjoys  the 
burning  pit,  surrounded  by  a  splendid  ballet.  The  Chatelet 
is  getting  up  The  Dehige,  regardless  of  expense — a  nice  piece 
for  the  summer  time;  umbrellas  for  the  occupants  of  front 
seats  provided  by  the  management,  and  none  but  good  swim- 
mers allowed  in  the  pit.  At  the  BoufFey  they  are  playing 
Le  Bouef  Apis,  in  which  Pharaoh  and  Potiphar  figure 
largely,  Potiphar  getting  in  a  towering  rage  at  everything 
sounding  like  Juseph." 

I  concluded  to  import  none  of  these  pieces.  With  woman's 
rights  and  tights  I  care  not  to  meddle,  and  to  tell  the  truth 
I'm  tired  of  seeing  women  cavorting  about  the  stage  with 
little  on  but  tight  boots  and  a  breast-pin.  Snap  and 
spangles  don't  please  me  so  well  as  skirts.  Dry  goods  and 
drapery  answer  a  very  good  purpose,  and  Adam  and  Eve 
certainly  paid  dearly  enough  for  the  privilege  of  dressing,  to 
have  their  descendants  glad  to  avail  themselves  of  it  when- 
ever occasion  offers.  Pm  not  a  prude,  but  for  regular  wear 
give  me  something  7nore  than  one's  birthday  suit,  if  it  be 
only  a  coat  of  paint.  Aware  that  there  are  better  agricul- 
turists abroad  than  myself,  I  shall  not  discourse  at  length 
upon  the  virtue  and  value  of  even  a  light-top  dressing,  and 
so  far  as  morality  is  concerned  1  see  no  sulKcient  cause  to 
mount  the  pulpit.  That  any  sane  man  can  be  demoralized 
by  a  vast  vision  of  fat  fairies  and  slender  sylphs  dodging  bad 
actors,  in  the  guise  of  obese  devils,  about  the  stage,  or  stand- 
ing on  one  leg  among  the  flies, — lucky  for  them  that  the 
Black  Crook  hasn't  Black  Flies, — I  caimot  imagine.  And 
this,  I  am  told,  is  about  what  it  all  amounts  to. 

It  is  always  well  to  know  who  you're  dealing  witli.  So, 
for  the  reader's  eidightenment,  I  rei)roduce  my  "mental 
]»hotogra])h,"  taken  some  years  ago.  I  was  a  bachelor  then, 
but  the  likeness  holds  pretty  good,  now.  You  understand 
what  "  mental  photographs  "  are,  of  course.     A  young  woiuau 


612  MY  MENTAL  PHOTOGRAPHS. 

assaults  you  witli  a  book,  in  which  a  lot  of  conundrums  are 
printed  down,  and  you  write  answers  to  them  : — 

Your  Favorite  Color  ? — Red — when  it  wins. 

Flowev? — Flower  of  the  family. 

Tree? — My  own  roof  tree. 

Object  in  Nature? — Two  bowers. 

Hour  in  the  Day  ? — Bed-time. 

Season  of  the  Year  ? — First  of  May. 

Perfume  ? — An  odor  of  sanctity. 

Gem  ? — Jemima. 

Style  of  Beauty  ? — A  round  figure. 

Painters? — Old  masters  and  young  misses. 

Musicians? — Girls  who  play  on  my  feelings. 

Piece  of  Sculpture? — God's  image  cut  in  ebony. 

Poefe ?— Tupper  (M.  F.)and  Milton  (J.) 

Poetesses? — Mother  Gary's  chickens. 

Prose  Authors? — Sanballat  and  Tobias. 

Character  in  Romance  ? — Joseph. 

In  History  ? — King  Cole. 

Hook  to  take  up  for  an  hour? — Tlcrvcy's  Meditations  among  the  Tombs. 

What  Book  {not  religious')  would  you  part  with  last? — My  pocket-book. 

What  Epoch  would  you  choose  to  have  lived  in  ? — When  Eve  span  and  every- 
thing was  span  new. 

Where  would  yon  like  to  live  ? — In  clover. 

What  is  your  favorite  amusement? — Riding  down  Broadway  in  an  omnibus. 

What  is  your  favorite  oceupafio7i? — Shopping — with  a  sister. 

What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  admire  in  Man  ? — Persistency. 

What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  admire  in  Woman? — Consistency. 

What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  detest  in  each  ? — Pure  "  cussedness." 

If  not  yourself,  who  would  you  rather  be  ? — Susan  B.  Anthony. 

What  is  your  idea  of  happiness  ? — Clamming. 

What  is  your  idea  of  misery  ? — Feehng  that  you  are  one  too  many. 

What  ?'s  your  bete  noir  ? — Being  introduced  to  people  I  don't  know. 

What  is  your  dream  ? — Starting  in  new. 

What  do  you  most  dread? — Going  to  Brooklyn. 

What  do  you  believe  to  be  your  distinguishing  characteristics? — Constancy, 
industry,  and  economy. 

What  is  the  subliniest  passion  of  which  human  nature  is  capable? — Com- 
passion. 

What  are  the  sweetest  words  in  the  world? — "  You  are  my  aflSnity." 

What  are  the  saddest  vtordi? — "  I  don't  see  it." 

What  is  your  aim  in  life  ? — -Amiability. 

What  is  your  motto? — When  you  must  you'd  better. 

Mr.  Herbert  Spencer  has  long  been  one  of  the  chiefs 
among  my  many  admirations.     I  can't  always  tell  exactly 


/. 


TWO  LITTLE  PARAGRAPHS.  6I3 

what  lie's  driving  at,  but  I  read  along  with  a  persuasion  that 
he  knows  himself,  and  that  it  is  all  right  anyway, — when  I 
don't  understand  him  at  all  I  know  that  he's  very  profound 
and  so  feel  about  as  well  satisfied  as  if  I  did.  It  grieved  me 
however,  to  find  in  one  of  his  most  abstruse  works  that  he 
was  not  thoroughly  up  in  contemporaneous  literature,  quot- 
ing the  lines : — 

"  Wasliiiir;  his  hands  with  invisible  soap 
In  imperceptible  water," 

and  giving  the  credit  to  Dickens,  when  they  happen  to  have 
been  written  by  Hood,  But  the  lines  illustrated  his  point 
just  as  well  as  they  could  have  done  had  they  been  credited 
correctly. 

Strange  what  little  things  will  sever  the  silken  tie.  I 
know  of  one  happy  marriage  in  prospective  that  slipped  up 
last  winter, — and  what  do  you  think  it  M'as  on  ?  Nothing 
but  a  pair  of  skates !  A  young  woman  permitted  an  old 
admirer  to  present  her  with  a  pair,  and  the  husband  to  be 
couldn't  and  wouldn't  stand  it.  If  she'd  take  skates  from 
another  man,  he  determined  to  let  her  slide;  and  he  did. 
They  are  separated  now,  and  h  iven't  spoken  to  each  other  for 
months.  Unless  some  one  steps  in  and  breaks  the  ice,  the 
coolness  will  ultimately  end  to  the  disadvantage  of  orange- 
blossoms. 

My  neighbor  across  the  way  has  been  out  celebrating  the 
occurrence  of  his  forty-fifth  birthday,  and  in  consequence 
several  friends  are  assisting  him  to  ascend  what  seem  to  bo 
the  most  aggravating  doorsteps  in  the  world.  Surely  the 
man  ought  to  have  arrived  at  years  (;f  discretion  long  ere 
this,  but  seemingly  he  has  not.  The  sight  saddens  me. 
Whence  came,  I  wonder,  the  foolisli  custom  which  ])ersist8 
in  linking  flruidcenncss  and  gladness  together,  making  IVicnd- 
ehip  and  the  imbibition  of  hiii'tful  li<)uorsgo  haml  in  h.iii'l  i 
Why  do  not  men  fraternize  and  holnioh  over  a  ham  .^-ami- 
wich,  or  soujc  harmless  thing  of  that  kind?  A  wcll-spiccd 
eausage  suggests  itself  in  the  absence  of  anything  better,  as 


Q14,  TEE  FOLLY  OF  IXTOXICATION. 

a  link  in  friendship's  chain,  a  sensible  stimulant  which  cheers, 
but  does  not  inebriate.  Sitting  opposite  to  a  friend  at  table, 
might  not  a  man  raise  a  rubicund  piece  of  beef  to  his  mouth 
and  eat  his  neighbor's  health  quite  as  well  as  to  drink  it  ?  I 
could  be  content  that  we  might  chew  the  cud  together  like 
ruminating  animals,  with  no  conjunction  of  glasses  at  all,  or 
that  there  were  any  yvaj  to  perpetuate  and  prove  friendships 
without  this  trivial  and  vulgar  way  of  drinking;  as  for 
drunkenness,  it  is  the  foolishest  act  a  wise  man  commits  in 
all  his  life  ;  nor  is  there  anything  that  will  more  deject  his 
cooled  imagination  when  he  shall  consider  what  an  odd  and 
unworthy  piece  of  folly  he  hath  committed.  I  shall  indeed 
be  glad  when  even  the  last  grape  is  grown,  for,  much  as  I 
love  raisins,  sooner  will  I  forego  them,  my  favorite  dessert, 
than  see,  without  some  protestation,  the  juice  of  a  delicious 
fruit  pressed  into  the  service  of  the  Devil. 

When  cremation  really  comes  to  be  the  accepted  way  of 
disposing  of  our  dead,  how  the  standard  poetry  of  the  lan- 
guage will  have  to  be  remodeled.  For  the  grave  and  all  its 
impressive  paraphernalia  have  long  been  held  in  great  esteem 
by  the  poets.  At  the  tomb  they  found  some  of  their  choicest 
imagery  and  inspiration,  and  with  it  all  funeral  hymns,  to 
say  nothing  of  other  slow  music,  is  inseparably  linked. 
Think  how  the  old  forms  of  expression  will  have  to  be 
changed.  Impressed  with  the  belief  that  one  might  as  well 
accustom  his  harp  to  the  new  order  of  mortuary  things,  I 
have  been  trying  my  hand  on  a  bit  of  pathetic  verse,  antici- 
patory of  the  future.     You  may  call  it 

THE  MAIDEN'S  LAST  FAREWELL,  IX  THE  DAY  OF  CREMATION. 


T 


HEN  the  night  wore  on,  and  we  knew  the  worst, 

That  the  end  of  it  all  was  nigh : 
Three  doctors  they  had  from  the  very  first — 
So  what  could  she  do  but  die  ? 


"  Oh,  William  !"  she  cried,  "  strew  no  blossoms  of  spring. 
For  the  new  '  apparatus '  might  rust ; 
But  sav  that  a  handful  of  shavings  you'll  bring, 


And  linger  to  see  me  combust. 


lilt  i.Asi  ■-  \|)  i;iTi;i. 


A  POEM  OF  THE  FUTURE.  (515 

"Oh,  promise  me,  love,  by  the  fire-hole  you'll  watch, 

Ami  when  mourners  antl  stokers  convene, 
You  will  see  that  they  li-zht  me  some  solemn,  slow  match, 

And  warn  them  against  kerosene. 

"  It  would  cheer  me  to  know,  ere  these  rude  breezes  waft 

My  essences  far  to  the  pole, 
That  one  «hom  I  love  will  look  to  the  draught, 
And  have  a  fond  eye  on  the  conl. 

"Th'.'n  promise  me,  love  " — and  her  voice  fainter  grew^ 

"  While  this  body  of  mine  calcifies, 
You  will  stand  just  as  near  as  you  can  to  the  flue, 

And  gaze  while  my  gases  arise. 

"For  Thompson — Sir  Henry — has  found  out  a  way — 

Of  his  '  process  '  you've  surely  heard  tell. 
How  you  burn  like  a  parlor-match  gently  away, 

Nor  even  offend  by  a  smell. 

"  So  none  of  the  dainty  need  sniff  in  disdain 

When  my  carbon  floats  up  to  the  sky ; 
And  I'm  sure,  love,  that  t/ou  will  never  complain, 

Though  an  ash  should  blow  into  your  eye. 

"Xow  promise  me,  love" — and  .«he  murmured  low — 

"  When  the  calcification  is  o'er. 
You  will  sit  by  my  grave  in  the  twilight  glow — 
I  mean  by  my  furnace  door. 

"  Yes,  promise  me,  love,  while  the  seasons  revolve 

On  thi'ir  noiseless  axles,  the  years, 
Yo\i  will  visit  the  kiln  wliere  you  saw  me  'resolve,' 

And  leach  my  pale  ashes  with  tears." 


CHAPTER  LXXXII. 

SHOWING     HOW   WHEAT    IS    RESPONSIBLE    FOE    ALt,    THIS     CHAFF 
A    "  FIKST   PIECE  "  CONSEQUENT    UPON    GOING   TO   PIECES. 

"VTOT  wishing  to  seem  wiser  than  what  is  written,  I  put 
IM  the  first  thing  I  ever  wrote  at  the  last  of  my  book.  The 
experience  is  a  veritable  one,  slightl}^  exaggerated  perhaps, 
but  near  enough  true  to  call  it  so.     Published  at  the  West 

in  the  Chicago  Evening  Journal — the   article  was   very 

extensively  copied  at  the  East,  and  so  I  was  encouraged  on 
in  sin.  In  the  fourteen  years  since  then,  I  have  done  little 
else  but  write — more's  the  pity.  For  I'm  persuaded  that  had 
I  persevered  as  a  wheat  operator  in  Chicago,  I  might  long 
since  have  been  comfortably  employed  in  the  service  of  the 
state  of  Illinois,  not  far  from  Joliet. 

Generally  speaking,  wheat  is  a  good  grain.  It  shows  well  in 
the  field  and  in  statistical  reports ;  it  looks  well  in  stacks  and 
in  granaries ;  and  when  well  ground,  methodically  kneaded, 
judiciously  baked,  and  properly  browned  and  buttered 
into  toast,  there  is  none  who  will  speak  more  respect- 
fully, not  to  say  enthusiastically,  of  the  vegetable  than  I. 
For  I  am,  in  the  main,  a  man  too  well  bred  to  do  otherwise. 
But,  as  an  article  of  commerce,  affording  speculative  oppor- 
tunities, I  am  emphatically  down  on  the  whole  institution — 
both  "  winter  "  and  "  spring."  For  the  one  has  proven  "  the 
winter  of  my  discontent,"  while  the  other  sprung  a  trap  on 
me  like  that  projected  over  unwary  birds  which  nibble  at  the 
same  bait.  These  remarks  may  seem  severe,  but  they  drop 
as  naturally  from  me  as  kernels  from  a  head  of  wheat  that 

has  been  well  thrashed. 

616 


MY  WHEAT  SPECULATION.  (517 

I  started  in  life  with  one  talisnianic  maxim  for  money 
making : — Buy  when  every  one  is  selling  ;  sell  when  ever}' 
one  is  buying.  It  seemed  to  me  that  in  those  few  words  all 
of  human  wisdom  was  embodied,  and  in  several  small  deals 
I  acted  on  my  apothegm  with  eminent  success.  The  rule 
worked  very  well  'till  I  struck  Chicago,  and  there  it  seems  all 
rules  fail  as  well  as  half  the  dealers.  Coincident  with  my 
coming  to  Chicago — as  a  sort  of  compliment,  perhaps — • 
wheat,  which  had  been  very  buoyant,  suddenly  fell.  Every 
one  seemed  to  be  selling.  I  had  a  little  money,  and  confid- 
ing in  my  golden  rule,  pitched  in  and  bought  at  eighty-five. 
Very  soon  the  staple  commodity  dropped  to  sixty-eight. 
Now,  thought  I,  is  the  time  to  "  average ;"  so  spouting  my 
first  lot — paid  for  as  well  as  bought — as  "  margin,"  I  bought 
more.  And  I'll  venture  to  say  that  no  old  lady  ever  prayed 
so  devoutly  for  her  bread  to  rise,  as  I  did  for  that  wheat. 
But  still  it  dropped  ! 

When  I  went  round  asking  for  the  Why,  they  said  'twas 
in  the  East — piling  a  bad  pnn  upon  my  other  sufi'erings. 
In  hope  that  my  temporary  absence  from  Chicago  might 
help  the  market,  I  went  otl'  in  the  country  for  a  while,  but 
as  wheat  still  kept  dropping  I  now  felt  it  my  duty  to  return 
to  the  city  and  put  a  stop  to  it.  The  first  greeting  that  met 
me  as  I  stepped  into  the  Tremont  was  a  telegram  ou  the 
bulletin  board — "Wheat  is  flat."  Wheat  prol^ably  was  flat 
enough,  but  this  announcement  struck  n)e  as  being  rather  a 
sharp  fact.  At  11|^  o'clock  I  went  down  on  "  'Change."  It 
is  perhaps  needless  to  say  that  I  found  things  materially 
changed  since  I  had  bouglit.  Buyers  were  bidding  iifty- 
five ;  most  everybody  appeared  to  be  buying;  so  following 
out  my  aphorism,  I  sold. 

If  a  temporary  digression  may  be  pardoned,  I  will  further 
remark  that  I  was  invited  to  sell — the  gentleman  who  i-cpre- 
sented  mo  at  the  Board  in  the  matter  informed  me  distinctly 
that  my  margin  was  gone  an<l  I  must  sell.  Things  had  been 
warm  with  me  for  some  time,  and  now  he  said  my  wheat  was 
heating — it  had  resolved  itself  into  "stumptail." 


618  WHERE  THE  SPECULATION  LEFT  ME. 

The  result  may  be  summed  up  thus : — 

Two  months  since  I  had  money  and  no  wheat;  subse- 
quently 1  had  wheat  and  no  money.  I^ow,  I  have  neither ! 
The  second  lot  was  a  poor  lot — as  poor,  in  fact,  as  the  second 
edition  of  Pharaoh's  kine,  since  it  swallowed  the  first.  But 
I  bought  it  to  make  an  average — and  made  it.  For  I  got 
just  my  average  luck  ! 

1  think  most  operators  will  concur  with  me  in  the  follow- 
ing conclusion  : — 

That  to  buy  at  eighty-five,  and  sell  at  fifty-five,  will  not 
pay,  unless  a  man  does  a  very  large  business.  That  wlieat, 
■when  it  begins  to  fall  is  a  long  while  reaching  the  bottom. 
That  when  it  once  begins  to  heat,  it  very  soon  becomes  too 
hot  to  hold.  That,  after  all,  the  surest  way  to  make  money 
in  wheat  is  to  plant  it  in  good  soil.  And  lastly,  tliat  a  man 
going  into  the  wheat  market,  with  even  a  very  small  capital, 
if  he  is  industrious,  and  perseveres,  may  very  soon  succeed 
in  owing  more  than  it  is  probable  he  will  ever  be  worth. 


CHAPTER  LXXXIII. 

WHICH  IS  WHAT  THE  SHOEMAKER  BEAT  HIS  WIFE  WITH,  AND  THE 

BEST  IN  THE  BOOK. 

THE  world  may  not  believe  it,  for  an   indisposition  to 
receive  great  truths  seems  born  into  man, — but  my  book 

is  done ! 

And  none  can  be  gladder  than  I,  for  it  began  to  wear  on 
me.  I  was  not  easy  in  my  mind  for  weeks  along  tov.ards 
the  last.  Book-making  is  like  murder,  I  suppose ;  you  get 
used  to  it  after  a  while,  and  go  on  without  remorse.  But 
with  the  lirst  crime  a  guilty  feeling  comes,  and  you  aie 
anxious  to  get  the  body  well  buried  and  out  of  sight. 

In  my  prophetic  ear  there  is  already  a  rumble  of  adverse 
comment ;  1  imagine  I  hear  it  whispered  that  I  have  put  in 
a  great  deal  that  might  just  as  well  have  been  left  out.  This 
may  be,  good  friends,  Init  have  1  not  left  out  a  great  deal 
that  might  just  as  well  have  been  put  in  ?  An  ap})endix  can 
be  added  even  now  if  necessary — and  will  be  added  if  much 
fault  is  found  with  me.  'Tis  still  in  my  power  to  threaten. 
A  score  or  so  of  poems  yet  remain  in  my  scrnp  book,  and 
these  I  would  publish  on  very  slight  ])rovocation. 

As  was  frankly  avowed  as  my  intention  in  tlie  very  outset, 
I  have  drawn  for  my  book  upon  nil  that  I  have  ever  done, 
only  writing  in  what  was  absolutely  necessary  in  order  fo 
link  the  past  with  the  present.  "With  the  excejition  ot  the 
letters  to  the  Great  Moral  Organ,  which  arc  <>f  (•(iinj)ani- 
tively  recent  date  (and  even  into  these  I  have  contrived  to 
inject  portions  of  letters  written  from  similar  summer  resorts 
to  another  great  moral  organ  thirteen  years  ago)  nothing  has 

619 


620 


A  PERENNIAL  PUN. 


been  admitted  which  had  not  the  savor  of  antiquity  and  was 
at  least  five  years  old.  This  should  suffice  to  defend  me 
from  the  suspicion  of  beinoj  either  a  new-blossomed  American 
Humorist  or  a  wearer  of  other  men's  literary  raiment. 
Indeed,  some  of  the  summer  wear  (and  tear,)  of  my  soul 
here  collected  have  done  so  well  in  the  service  of  others,  that 
ft  feeling  of  pleasure,  nearly  akin  to  pride,  steals  over  me  as 
I  step  forward  and  claim  them  at  last  as  my  own.  It  is 
encouraging  to  find, even  the  lesser  flights  of  one's  fancy 
winning  willing  fathers  on  all  sides.  Thus,  in  '67  or  there- 
about, when  there  was  talk  of  nominating  rare  Ben  Butler 
for  the  presidency,  I  struck  into  a  Whittier  line  than  I  had 
ever  before  attempted,  and  wrote — 

Oh,  of  all  sad  words  of  tongue  or  pen, 
The  saddest  are  these,  we  might  have  Ben  J 

The  pun— if  pun  it  be — ^became  perennial.  Eegularly  as 
the  years  rolled  round  you  saw  its  modest  head  sprouting 
with  new  surroundings  of  flower  and  leaf.  Not  infrequently, 
some  man  of  infinite  jest  and  humor  approaches  me  even 
now  with : — 

"  By  the  way,  did  you  see  that  neat  thing  I  said  in  the 
Massachusetts s  Ifutterkin'i  Butler  is  going  for  the  gov- 
ernorship, you  know,  and  I  just  made  a  little  paragraph. 
'  Oh,  of  all,' "  etc. 

Farther  than  what  has  already  been  said,  it  was  not  my 
intention  to  appear  as  an  apologist.  Insomuch,  however,  as 
several  have  asked  why  I  call  this  "  John  Paul's  Book,"  I 
will  explain  :  First  (and  last,)  because  it  is.  A  book  of  Wit 
and  Humor  it  does  not  pretend  to  be ;  neither  is  it  strictly 
speaking  a  theological  book — nor  yet  a  book  M^ritten  with 
any  intention  of  ameliorating  the  condition  of  the  upper 
classes.  It  contains  much  that  I  have  written,  represents  in 
one  way  and  another  a  good  deal  of  my  life.  And  as  now 
printed  on  good  clean  paper,  in  fresh,  clear  type,  it  is  my 
opinion — and  has  been  my  opinion  from  the  first — that  I  for 
one  shall  enjoy  reading  it — notwithstanding  the  illustrations. 


A  LIBERAL  OFFER.  (521 

Notwithstanding  the  illustrations,  I  say,  for  it  has  been 
rather  painful  for  me  to  see  myself  in  these  wild  exubera- 
tions  of  artistic  fancy,  standing  round  with  a  cigar  in  my 
mouth  on  all  possible  occasions ;  and  I  have  regretted  that 
the  artist  did  not  visit  me  in  the  bosom  of  my  family  before 
attempting  to  portray  my  habits  or  catch  the  expression  of 
my  face.  But  these  little  inaccuracies  of  detail  will  matter 
very  little  to  those  who  do  not  know  me,  and  those  who  do 
will  prefer  perhaps  to  have  me  as  I  am  not,  rather  than  as 
I  am ! 

Expecting  only  that  My  Book  will  be  bought  by  my 
friends,  1  shall  count  each  man  (or  woman)  "who  buys  it  my 
friend.  'Tis  a  "  subscription  book,"  remember,  and  though 
I  have  no  chromes  or  dog  collars  to  give  away  with  it  as 
premiums,  I  shall  be  happy  to  send  anj'one  subscribing  a 
valuable  receipt — for  the  money  ! 

Looking  over  the  foregoing  pages  with  the  calm,  critical, 
and  unprejudiced  eye  of  one  who,  having  got  out  of  a  scrape 
intends  never  again  to  be  caught  in  another  one,  tlie  only 
ol)jection  which  1  can  imagine  as  likely  to  be  urged  agaiii.^t 
this  book  is,  that  there  is  not  quite  enough  of  it!  The 
moment  a  man  begins  to  get  interested  in  the  thing,  it  stops. 
Including  the  illustrations  1  can  count  up  only  six  hundred 
and  eighty -five  pages;  and  when  the  brevity  of  human  life 
is  considered,  the  little  time  that  man  here  below  has  for  the 
acquisition  of  useful  knowledge  is  taken  into  account,  a 
feelinjr  of  rcirret  comes  over  me  that  I  had  not  \\  ritten  at 
greater  lengtli.  But  life  is  mostly  made  up  of  regrets,  and 
after  doing  the  best  we  know  how,  the  best  of  us  has  to 
throw  himself  at  last  on  the  forgiveness  of  friends. 


Til©  Coliizn'bian  Book  Ooznpany^ 

OF 

Hi^i^TiT'OR.iD,  co:isr]sr., 

A.re  'Publishers  of  First- Class,  Standard,  Illustrated  Works, 
which  are  sold  2iy  Subscription  Only. 

They  will  bring  out  only  works  of  higli  moral  tone,  rare 
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In  mechanical  execution  their  publications  will  always  be  first- 
class — well  ])rinted  on  good  paper,  and  tastefully  and  substan- 
tially bound.  Publishing  but  a  limited  number  of  books,  yearly, 
they  are  enabled  to  give  particular  attention  to  their  manufac- 
ture, and  to  expend  money  freely  in  illustrating  them.  Sub- 
scribers for  their  works  can  always  depend  on  receiving  what 
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to  sell  these  Books  in  every  town  in  the  United  States. 

Agents  for  good  books  are  a  lasting  benefit  in  any  com- 
munity, and  their  calling  is  a  noble  one.  To  men  and  women 
wishing  honorable,  pleasant  and  lucrative  employment  we  ofter 
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will  gain  a  knowledge  of  the  country,  and  of  men  and  things 
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ern sections  of  the  country,  will  be  supplied  with  books  from 
our  offices  at  the  West        and  South. 

Ch'culars  with  full  information  are  sent  promptly  to  any  one 
wishing  an  agency.     Address, 

COLUMBIAN  BOOK  COMPANY, 

Hartford,  Conn.,  and  Chicago,  III. 


"  The  Frozen  Zone  and  Its  Explorers." 

(Large  Octavo,  800  P^ges,  175  Engkayings,  Colored  Maps,  etc.) 

An  elegant  and  substantial  octavo  volume,  giving  an  account  of 
all  the  explorers  who  have  visited  the  Arctic  Regions,  and  their 
achievements  and  adventures  in  the  wide  realm  of  frost  and  ice,  has 
just  been  issued  by  the  Columbian  Book  Company  of  IIaktfokd. — 
Ilariford  Daily  Times. 

Typographically  the  volume  is  irreproachable,  and,  altogether, 
it  forms  one  of  the  best  of  recent  subscription  books. — Hartford 
Evenincj  Post. 

It  is,  taken  altogether,  a  wonderful  stoiy ;  and  the  abundant 
illustrations  and  maps  make  the  reader  familiar  with  this  region  of 
danger  and  adventure.  lie  will  find  the  narrative  well  done 
throughout. — Hartford  Daily  Courant. 

The  book  is  intensely  interesting,  and  its  tales  are  too  strange 
not  to  be  true.  As  attractive  as  a  fresh  novel,  as  instructive  as  a  his- 
tory, it  cannot  fail  of  a  wide  circulation. —  Bingham/pton  liejnibli- 
can. 

Its  sale  by  subscription  is  peculiarly  appropriate,  inasmuch  as  this 
is  precisely  the  sort  of  book  which  is  likely  to  prove  at  once  a 
delight  and  a  benefit  to  the  tiiousands  of  people  all  over  the  coun- 
try who  have  no  opportunity  to  buy  books  in  any  other  wa}',  and 
many  of  whom  would  never  hear  of  the  volume  at  all  but  for  the 
coming  of  a  canvasser.  W^e  can  think  of  hardly  any  other  work  of 
the  same  size  Avhich  is  likely  to  prove  so  generally  accei)tal)le  to 
people  whose  purchases  of  books  are  of  necessity  limited. — Hearth 
and  Home,  JVeio  York  City. 

The  work  is  illustrated  with  elegant  steel  and  wood  engravings 
and  maps,  the  latter  embracing  all  the  geographical  discoveries  up 
to  the  present  time. — /Syracuse  Joui^nal. 

Lovers  of  the  scientific  and  romantic  may  alike  be  expected  to 
welcome  such  a  compendious  compilation. — Boston  Transcr'ii>t. 

These  pages  vie  in  entertainment  with  those  of  a  high-strung 
novel,  and  certainly  their  perusal  will  be  attended  witli  jieallhier 
effects.  The  voyage  of  the  Polaris  is  well  described.  I'lie  ninnber 
of  pictures  is  unusually  large  for  a  work  of  this  chai-actcr,  fin<i 
many  of  them  are  excellently  engraved.  Kvery  exjx'dition,  and  the 
stranixe  scenes  of  that  romantic  and  shadowy  region  is  illustrated. 
— Norwich  {Conn.)  Bulletin. 

All  the  explorations  which  have  aroused  the  sympathies  and 
enthusiasm  of  the  civili/ed  worhl,  are  given  in  a  wealth  of  detail 
and  illustration  which  astonish  us.  It  is  true  the  hook  is  massive, 
but  it  is  well  lille<l— ]>acked  like  an  "ice-pack  ". — Providence  Press. 

Agents  Vanted.     Address, 

COLUMBIAN  BOOK  CO., 

Iltn^ford,  Conn.,  and  Cfntngo,  Til. 


LiytieSTOK'S  LIFE  WORK. 


OR 


A  NAKRATIVK  OF   THE 


Life,  Travels,  Adyenlnres,  Experiences,  aiil  AcMeyeienls 


OF 


Er.  David  Livingstone, 

INCLUDING  HIS   DISCOVERY   BT 

HENRY    M.    STANLEY 

AND  THE  SUBSEQUENT 

WANDERINGS  AND  DEATH  OF  THE  RENOWNED  TRAVELER. 


TOGETHER  WITH   A   COMPREHENSIVE 


HISTORY  OF  AFRICAN  EXPLORATIONS,  THE  LIVINGSTONE  RELIEF 
EXPEDITIONS,  AND  RECENT  EVENTS : 


THE  WHOLE  ABOUNDING  IN 


PICTURESQUE    DESCRIPTIONS    OF    THE  COUNTRY    AND    PEOPLE, 
THEIR  TRAITS,  CUSTOMS,  AND  SUPERSTITIONS. 


Illustrated  with  over  One  Hundred  Engravings,  Fac-similes  and  Maps. 


WRITTEN     AND    COMPILED     FROM     AUTHENTIC    SOURCES;     WITH   INTKODUCTIOK 

AND   CHAPTER   ON  NATAL  BT   REV.    JOSIAH   TYLER, 

[MiaSIONARY  OF  THE  A.    B.    C.   F.   M.,   IN  AFRICA  FOR  TWENTY-TWO  YEARS. 


PUBLISHED  BY  SUBSCRIPTION  ONLY. 


HARTFORD,  CONN.  : 

COLUMBIAN  BOOK  COMPANY. 


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